Posted on: 2008-11-07
November 26th
The Ball was gawd awful. We had to listen to what passed as music from Mary Bennet, which made Caroline squawk in my ear.
Then Mrs Bennet decided to tell all and sundry that Bingley was to marry her daughter.
I know he hasn't proposed yet because he hasn't asked my permission yet.
November 27
Bingley went back to London. He told his sisters it was Business. I know better. He got his summons from the Alien Office.
It is most unfair. I am at least 5 years older. Why do I not have a summons from the Alien Office?
November 28
I don' t have a summons because they need someone with boyish charm and good looks.
...
I have good looks! I could do boyish charms.
In revenge, I told Bingley Jane Bennet hated him.
November 29
Bingley sulking and refusing to go undercover. They called on me. Of course they called on me.
However the minister ruined it by telling me that I was the last person they would ever have chosen. Only chose me because everyone else refused the mission that they felt was suicidal.
Hah. I am the most brave.
December 1st
Or the stupidest.
It is cold...
and Wet.
Everyone speaks French.
December 3rd
But I have found some books that just have pictures.
Diagram 12 seems to be most improbable.
Am, for some strange reason, now imagining Elizabeth Bennet.
December 5th
My noble mein is attracting attention.
December 6th
Too much attention. I thought the women chasing me through the town wanted to demonstrate Diagram 45.
But no, they wanted to haul me in front of the guillotine.
I said my mein was noble.
December 10th
I showed them all Diagram 78 and they let me go. After thanking me profusely.
You would think the French would not need such education.
December 12th
Bingley still sulking. It is most unpleasant. It is like someone kicked a puppy.
December 13th.
Made my report to the Alien Office.
They questioned my priorities to see Bingley before I reported to them. They say we are too attached to one another.
I explained that this was because Bingley was not fit to be let loose on the world on his own without me.
December 14th
Alien Office still not happy. They did not see the cross cultural goldmine that was my books.
Said I was a purveyor of filth.
December 15th.
Twelve Alien Office men wrote today asking for copies.
Georgiana could copy the pictures. She is an excellent artist.
December 16th.
Realised sister copying artistic images would be plagiarism.
And teach her things beyond her years.
December 18th.
Georgiana thought books Christmas present for herself so peeked-
Unfazed by Diagram 17.
Now have more reason to shoot Wickham and self.
December 24th
Bingley still sulking.
I attempted to cheer him up, acting out tales of France.
December 27th
Bingley avoiding me for some odd reason.
December 28th
Bingley asked to go to France. Was refused as mission too difficult for one person.
Said I would offer to come with him.
Bingley said that is what he was afraid of and why he wanted to go to France.
December 30th.
Suddenly realised what Bingley meant.
Will have to challenge him to a duel.
January 3rd.
Cannot challenge best friend to duel.
Would shoot him and I love Bingley.
Bingley also no good to King and Country dead.
January 7th.
Jane Bennet in town.
Shooting Bingley might distract him from seeing her.
January 8th.
No, no, really cannot shoot Bingley.
Must explain properly that my acting out Diagram 45 was essential to story and in no way indicates that I wish to marry Bingley.
Cannot marry Bingley anyway. Bingley in trade.
January 10th.
Have summons from Rosings.
Asked Alien Office for urgent business on the Continent.
January 11th.
Apparently Aunt Catherine wrote to Alien Office.
Is most infantalising having one's aunt write a letter excusing you ‘from attending the nasty war.'
January 13th.
Alien Office wants Bingley.
Still do not understand it.
At least, he cannot see Jane Bennet in France.
Asked him to pick up some more books.
Bingley thinks I have a problem.
January 15th.
London is most boring; have decided, a la the Scarlet Pimpernel, to sneak secretly to France.
I will dress as a fop and say ‘pon rep' all the time.
I am sure I have a scarlet cravat somewhere and tight pantaloons.
January 16th.
I have even made up a little poem
They seek him in London.
They seek him in France.
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
Is he at Pemberley?
Or is he in Hertfordshire?
That damned, illusive, Fitzwilliam Darcy.
January 18th
In gaol.
Again.
Poem not a success.
January 19th
Guardsmen have already seen diagrams 1 to 100.
January 24th.
Bingley, my hero, has rescued me!
Not quite sure why it was necessary for us all to dress as seamstresses and hunt for a needle but we are free.
Freeeeeeeeeeee!
January 30th
Alien Office has struck me off as a disgrace to the name Alien Office.
February 3rd.
Why has all the rum gone?
February 4th
As Bingley rightly points out, rum is not a drink of my socio-economic status.
Bingley also took away my gin for similar reasons.
February 8th.
Ratafia does not work so well.
Neither does orgeat.
February 9th.
Desperation has set in. Have ordered six cases of best burgundy from French contacts.
February 16th
Burgundy here at last! Little Crystal Decanter, how I love thee!
February 17th.
Bingley v. upset with me.
Until he saw that I had not drunk all the Burgundy.
February 18th.
Bingles and I in total agreement that that ladies women are complete {ink blot}
February 19th.
Feel slightly guilty that Bingley's uncharitable thoughts about women are because I told him Jane Bennet hated him.
February 20th.
I am sure she does hate him.
She would if she knew he looked better in a dress than she did.
Women find that sort of thing off putting.
** Pages inexplicably missing and replaced with a note from the Alien Office**
Parts of this diary have been requisitioned for the safety and continued respectability of the crown.
**Diary Resumes**
March 23rd
Have arrived at Rosings.
Aunt Catherine seems to have taken patriotic fervour to an extreme degree. She has dressed her parson up as Napoleon and herself as the Duke...and I feel unable to continue. Diagram 24 may have been involved.
March 24th
Oooh... Elizabeth Bennet.