Posted on Tuesday, 23 June 1998

Elinor Ferrars sat in her parlour inelegantly honking and sniffing, great tears rolling down her pretty rosy cheeks, nose unbecomingly reddened. Edward Ferrars stood in his customary hunched up posture, watching her and wondering what to do. Her mother and sisters had called earlier for a visit but did an about face when they perceived Elinor's distress. Better to leave Edward to it, they thought as they shuffled off like a herd of sheep, beating a mass retreat.....

"Dearest Elinor...." ventured Edward, "can you not calm down a little , only a little dear, that I might learn what vexes you so?" Elinor continued to weep, not even noticing her husband's speech as he was being too soft spoken. Finally, he tried another tack. "My heart has been and always will be yours...." This, his most and only romantic speech to her could always make her smile.

Elinor beamed at Edward for a moment and then her face crumpled again, but she was sufficiently calmed to be able to control herself and speak. "Oh Edward, I have done the most unladylike thing!"

Poor Edward, we can only imagine what he must have been thinking at this juncture, thankfully Elinor continued and alleviated his ponderings. "Edward, I visited a place where people say nasty things to people they are angry with. Dearest.....I have challenged your sister to a Deathmatch! "

Now, Edward Ferrars was no stranger to the strange new phenomenon that seemed to be overtaking the Republic of Pemberley, and had himself recently been trounced by Fwood, dear friend or no. He was shocked and dismayed to think of his WIFE participating in such a display. "Elinor, you cannot fight Fanny...." Elinor was taken aback by Edward's firm statement. She was on the verge of honking again when he explained himself more clearly, "She's bigger than you, and nasty, very nasty. I would be devastated to see you hurt."

Elinor was thrilled with her husband's concerns for her welfare, but did not feel she could back down... The match was set for the next evening.

Fanny Dashwood fixed her husband with a withering glare until he backed down from his position. He had been about to insist that she make things up with Elinor!!!! "Only consider dear," she rasped through tightly pressed lips, "Elinor called me a Cow! A Cow! Of all the barnyard animals to choose from she had to pick the lowliest! It is not to be borne! She wormed her way into my brother's heart, schemed to marry well and then has the effrontery to insult ME? I think not...."

The Match was about to begin and the house was PACKED! Tortilla sales were brisk. Well over three quarters of the house wore 'Elinor' sweatshirts, only John Dashwood wore an 'I'm all for Fanny' shirt. The remainder of the audience were in red. Colonel Brandon himself led this contingent, soldiers and gentlemen of honour all, ready to jump in the fray and pick off Fanny should it prove necessary.

Fanny Dashwood stood imperiously in her corner, glaring at the audience, looking about disdainfully, and directing her husband with discreet waves of her hand, to pick up stray tortillas that had fallen on the floor. She appeared nonplussed that her supporters were non-existent. "That Lucy Steele!" she hissed, "I should have broken that pointy nose right off!"

Elinor stood proudly and elegantly in her corner, flanked by Marianne and Margaret who were whispering words of encouragement. "Elinor I am so very proud of you," exclaimed Marianne, "to die for love, is that not the very greatest thing? I did not think you had such passion in your nature!" Elinor looked slightly askance at this comment and so Margaret interjected "It is a very fine day is it not?"

A massive gentleman, who had at last been convinced to don appropriate clothing appeared in the centre of the ring. His voice had lost much of its customary ring and had risen an octave. "Ladies," he squeaked, "let's have a clean fight, no low blows, no outside interference..." he paused to look pointedly in the direction of the fighting troops who avoided meeting his eyes and began to aimlessly whistle a little tune in the attempt to appear nonchalant. "Right then. Let's get ready to rrrumblle....."

The crowd did not respond, did not appear indeed to have noticed his last statement. With a growl of impatience he snatched at his cravat, and taking a deep breath, flexed his muscles. A great rending sound echoed through the hall followed by the flapping of many tortillas being held in front of gaping ladies eyes by their devoted gentleman. Released at last from his constrictive clothing the man, grinning like a Cheshire boomed, "LET'S GET READY TO RRRRUUUMMMMMBLEEEEE!!!!!!"

The crowd went wild! Roars of approval accompanied the throwing of tortillas in the air, closely followed by several cravats.....

Elinor and Fanny eyed each other warily and disdainfully. "Cow! You stole my home! You stole my dowry! You persuaded your weenie of a husband to ignore the promise given to my father on his deathbed!" The crowd roared! Elinor was in fine form tonight.... Her mother dabbed at her eyes in remembrance of dear Norland.

Fanny retaliated immediately " Usurper! You would have my son denied his rightful heritage! What can four women want with servants, a large home and most of all a dowry! Penniless and unworthy women have no right to aspire to a good marriage!"

"Stupid Cow! You conspired to take Edward from Norland just as we were forming an attachment! You have defiled the grounds of Norland! You are a money grubbing, status seeking leech!"

Mrs. Jennings and her daughter Charlotte began lofting tortillas at Fanny..... "You vile creature!" Mrs. Jennings shouted, "you have used all my friends remarkably ill, especially dear Mrs. Robert Ferrars!" At this, her son in law peeked out from behind the newspaper he had been absorbed in and stuffed a tortilla in her large mouth. "Ha Ha," he crowed, " I always wanted to shut you up!"

At this point the fight began to grow more physical. Elinor had snatched at Fanny's hair and was poking her mercilessly with the feathers she had purloined from her coif. Fanny in her turn was trying to strangle Elinor with her dirty gardening apron.

Mr. John Dashwood watched with some dismay, some humour and some absence of mind, nibbling on the tortillas he had gathered earlier. Edward Ferrars was standing on his seat shouting encouragement to his beloved.

The Bingleys and the Darcys decided the fight was rather dull, the ladies were evenly matched and there was not a light sabres in sight. To alleviate their boredom they amused themselves by starting a wave.

Marianne Brandon fought the undulating crowd to get a better view of her sister's progress. Fanny was indeed the bigger of the two, but Elinor had years of suppressed emotion to fuel her, and was making significant inroads.

Suddenly a tall, handsome and not undistinguished figure stood by Marianne's side. He stared at her for endless moments and then began to beg her forgiveness even as he tried to drag her away. At a sideways glance from the Colonel the man was summarily shot. "We should get Wickham too, and Henry Crawford, and Frank Churchill, and that odious Thorpe fellow, and .....any requests?" Names were shouted out with alacrity, and the spectators, each imagining they had heard their own, started to leave the hall with great haste...

Fanny and Elinor continued to grapple long after the place had emptied out. Elinor summoning up one more burst of anger and annoyance, heaved herself up and pinned Fanny to the mat. The hollow thud reverberated endlessly amid the empty seats and woke the enormous, no longer properly clad gentleman. "Yaaaawwwn, the winner is Elinor Ferrars, by a single thump! " he declared.

The ladies picked themselves up, dusted themselves off, and shooting one last glance of hate at each other went home to live their lives anew.

Epilogue

"Hellooooo, Hello? Can I come out now?," whispered a voice from nowhere. Suddenly the front bench appeared to pick itself up and dust itself off. "The lengths I have to go to, to avoid those women! " exclaimed Colonel Fitzwilliam. "Come on Knightley, I think they are gone" he prodded the second bench with his foot. "We cannot stay in one place or they'll find us for sure!"

The End