itzwilliam Darcy glanced about the room with a mixture of surprise, anxiety, and consternation. There seemed to be thousands of people assembled in the arena, most of these settled into hard, uncomfortable chairs, talking, eating, drinking, and laughing without decorum. There were still more filing up and down the cement pathways between the rows of seats. In the center of the massive auditorium, lit brightly and garishly, stood the largest sporting ring Darcy had ever seen.

In the last two years, Darcy had created, suffered, and triumphed over many a hardship. He had never encountered a spectacle like this. And he was beginning to feel intimidated.

He looked toward the petite figure of his wife as they waded to the front rows. "My dear, I though you said we were to see your parents?"

Elizabeth threw a dazzling grin over her shoulder, giddy with excitement. "We are, darling. Oh look! There are Jane and Charles!"

Darcy was only slightly mollified as they joined the other couple. Charles looked moderately terrified and for some reason that made Darcy feel better. He sat down with apparent confidence only to jerk back to his feet as something rustled underneath him. He reached down and retrieved a strange, transparent package.

"What is this?" He asked his wife.

"A package of tortillas, dear. We all have them."

"What is a tortilla? What am I supposed to do with it?"

"Throw it."

"THROW IT? At whom?"

"Whomever you wish, now shhhhhh…it's starting."

"What's starting? I don't understand, where are your parents?" But Elizabeth was no longer listening.

At the other end of the arena, two announcers sat raised above the audience, affording them a more complete vantage point for the action in the center ring. Dan was irritated with his co-host. Stan had been talking non-stop since they had been seated. All Dan could think about was finding a restroom, but with showtime only minutes away, Dan knew he'd never make it back. For all his chummy chatter, Dan knew Stan was a real spotlight hog. It had taken him a lifetime to get this gig - and Dan was determined to shine.

"So I told her," Stan was saying. " 'Just back off lady! It's not my fault my dog thinks you're his mama!'"

What a moron, Dan thought as Stan wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. The camera lights blinked on and Dan immediately shifted to high gear, throwing a smile on his face and modulating his voice just the right amount. "Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the latest installment of Austen's Celebrity Deathmatch, the world's only rendition of grudge fights by literary personas."

"That's right Dan! These fights have become literary highlights though the jury is still out if the occasional rumbling is another author rolling in his or her grave."

"Thank you for that morbid thought, Stan" Dan interrupted, drawing the camera back to himself. "Tonight's match is truly unique, for we have never before witnessed a match between a husband and his wife. Now this is a clause that SHOULD have been in the premarital agreement!"

"Even better, Dan, is the fact that our competitors are pretty evenly matched. They have raised five daughters, two of whom I believe are actually intelligent, and how better to know your opponent's weaknesses than to marry them!"

"Well said! This has the potential for a lot of dirty fighting. After all, our competitors have had 25 years to gather ammunition and grudges. We are in for a real treat!"

Darcy listened to the oddly accented banter with dawning horror. He met Charles Bingley's astonished gaze before the eyes of both men fell to their wives. Elizabeth and Jane were strangely unconcerned, whispering and giggling excitedly.

There was no time to question how much they knew at the lights flared brighter in the center ring and a man stepped up. There was nothing physically impressive about the man. He was completely bald and not very tall. He wore a badly pressed white shirt and was perspiring profusely. Still, as he raised his hands in the air, every occupant of the arena fell into a respectful and anticipatory hush.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! The time has come to meet our contenders. Presenting in the blue corner, weighing 170 pounds and commanding a rapier wit and large vocabulary, Mr. Tiberius Bennet!"

Lizzy and Jane stood up and cheered loudly for their father. Mr. Bennet ducked under the stretchable cords and entered the ring. He jogged energetically around the ring with fists raised. The audience roared its approval.

"And in the red corner, weighing in at 210 pounds, with an alarming ability to remember nothing and a screech that can etch glass, Mrs. Fanny Bennet!"

There were a few screams of delight amid the booing! Darcy craned his neck to see Lydia and Kitty sitting with Mrs. Phillips. His blood boiled as Wickham spotted him at the same moment and tipped his hat with a smirk. Several items began to be pelted at Mrs. Bennet, most of them from Jane Bingley. She had ripped open her package and begun flinging tortillas at her mother.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet ignored the general ruckus of the arena as they faced each other. The bald man was also the referee and began speaking in a rapid nasal voice. "All right! I want a clean fight! Madam, no hitting below the belt! Sir, no hitting in the chest area. I want you both to follow the rules as they were read back stage. I want a cheeseburger and some curly fries. I want my Prozac. And I want someone to put gas in my car! LET'S GET IT ON!"

The crowd roared again as the Bennets circled each other with legs bent, eyes alert, and arms twitching slightly in anticipation.

"How could you do this to me?" Mrs. Bennet whined. "All these years of blissful marriage…"

"If they had been blissful, madam, we would be otherwise employed!" Mr. Bennet gave a blood-curdling yell and rushed at his wife. She screamed in fear and began running around the ring.

"My nerves! My nerve! You are ruining them!" Suddenly she stopped and bent in half. Mr. Bennet, who was in an uncontrolled run, had not anticipated the move and tumbled over her to land face down on the mat. Immediately, Mrs. Bennet threw her body on him, twisting one arm painfully behind his back.

The force of 200 pound of nerves knocked the air out of Mr. Bennet. When his eyes refocused, he found himself staring at the anxious face of his favorite son in law. "Darcy! Are you taking care of my girl?"

"Yes sir…"

"Good, good. Lizzy, Jane, dears, do either of you have some smelling salts?"

Jane, who always packed smelling salts when her mother was expected to be in a room, handed the item over. Mr. Bennet winked as best he could with one cheek pressed against the mat, uncorked the vial with his teeth and shoved the vial up.

"Ugh!" Mrs. Bennet said and released her grip as her nose was assailed by a burning sensation.

Suddenly freed, Mr. Bennet rolled over and tossed her over. Getting up, he scaled the ropes, positioned himself well, and jumped over his wife.

Mrs. Bennet was good and pinned down. "Oh the horrible obligations of marriage!" She moaned. "Girls! Girls!" She began to call. "Kitty! Lydia! Mary!"

In the red corner, Mary buried herself in her book and tried to look insignificant. Kitty began to cough in her anxiety and Lydia was pressing her husband to act. Wickham did not intend to get in harm's way, but had learned long ago to acquiesce to his wife's demands or listen to her wail all evening. With resignation, he climbed into the ring.

"Mr. Bennet, my favorite father in law…"

"I'm your only father in law, you twit!" Mr. Bennet growled. "Get out of the ring!"

"I'm afraid I must intervene!"

"I'll give you intervention!" Mr. Darcy yelled as he climbed in himself. Wickham screamed a scream worthy of Lydia and began to chase around the ring. Darcy was in hot pursuit and they circled several times, both men jumping over the inert forms of the Bennets.

Mrs. Bennet watched her son in laws gallivant around the ring in surprise. "What on earth are they doing? Mr. Bennet, I lay the blame on your door! It is because of you that such good friends are fighting!"

"Good friends?" Mr. Bennet replied with a laugh, restraining his wife's attempts to wriggle free with admirable ease. "In which planet do you reside, my dear? Those two have never been friends since we made their acquaintance!"

"Stop talking to me like I am a moron!"

"Stop saying moronic things!"

This was the last straw for Mrs. Bennet. She gave a great heave and pushed Mr. Bennet off. Wickham was still running and screaming and Darcy was still giving chase. Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were standing across each other like sumo wrestlers. Tortillas were flying into the ring from all sides; most of them aimed at Wickham. Lydia climbed up and clung to the ropes from the outside.

"Get him Wickie! Show him what you're made of!"

Incensed, Elizabeth got up on her side and began to berate Lydia. "Poor, stupid girl! Can't you see your husband for the coward that he is?"

The bald referee tried cajoling the ladies off the ropes. Without much decorum, Lydia threw a right hook that sent him sprawling. Elizabeth scoffed at her sister's lack of manners and gracefully hopped off the ringside. Lydia, never one to miss and opportunity, entered the ring and tried to lift the referee and toss him at Darcy. But the referee had played this game longer than Lydia. He went completely limp, much too heavy for Lydia to lift, and when she gave up, took her by the waist and tossed her back to her seat.

"Brute!" came a shrill voice from behind him. The referee turned to see Mrs. Bennet bearing down on him. "How dare you treat my daughter that way?" And she began to beat him mercilessly.

"Indeed!" agreed Mr. Bennet. "Never would I allow such a disgrace to be visited upon my own child!" And he joined his wife in the punishment of the official.

Wickham himself had been taken aback by the tossing of his wife. He had a moment of free jubilation until he saw her land safely on Colonel Fitzwilliam's lap. Still his hesitation had allowed Darcy to catch up and wrap his hands around Wickham's neck.

"This is for Georgiana! And my darling Elizabeth! And my father, and your father" Darcy chanted as he squeezed his hands and shook his captive. Wickham's head bobbed about haphazardly. He had only enough attention to see Lydia cozying up to an amused Colonel Fitzwilliam.

In the meantime, Mrs. Bennet was surprised at her sudden alliance with her husband. "You are actually defending Lydia?"

"She is my daughter! What did you expect?"

"Well, dear, you aren't always…" A new thought occurred and she looked at him coquettishly. "Would you defend me?"

"Certainly!" Mr. Bennet said. "You are my beloved wife!"

"Am I? Am I really?" She shrieked with delight. Throwing her arms about her husband, she began to kiss him passionately.

Mr. Bennet, though surprised, was still delighted to be so entertained. As their activities dawned on the other combatants, Darcy and Wickham stopped their activities to gape at the amorous couple. The crowd booed and hissed and even more tortillas began flying in the air.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were led away by an usher and a bloody referee got to his feet to announce a draw.

Darcy let go his captive in disgust and climbed out of ring to sit next to his wife. "I must admit there is some merit to legally strangling George Wickham."

"I was hoping you'd think that," Elizabeth said softly.

Darcy wiped his brow and turned to look at his wife, noticing for the first time her nervous smile. "Is there something you have to tell me?"

Elizabeth opened her mouth to reply but Announcer Dan's voice overrode any word she may have spoken.

"Well, no one could have predicted a THAT outcome! Do not despair, Ladies and Gentlemen! Our next combatants are guaranteed NOT to reconcile! Coming up! The grudge match of the 19th Century! Caroline Bingley and Elizabeth Bennet Darcy!

"WHAT?!" Darcy bellowed as Elizabeth began to prepare for her match.

Caroline Bingley vs Elizabeth Darcy

f there was anything guaranteed to put the fear of God into Fitzwilliam Darcy, it was the idea of his wife entering a wrestling ring to purposefully mangle his best friend's sister. He had argued. He had demanded. He had gotten down on his knees and pleaded with Elizabeth to reconsider. Nevertheless, she remained cheerfully firm.

"I do not want you getting in that ring! It will be humiliating!"

"Only if I lose," Elizabeth replied blithely. "And I have no intention of doing so. Miss Bingley has needed a lesson for many years now. And there is no one more capable than giving her one than I. unless, of course, YOU are volunteering?"

"Certainly NOT!"

"Well, there you have it. I am committed to this Fitzwilliam." With a flounce of her skirts, Elizabeth exited their row and went backstage.

Darcy scowled darkly and crossed his arms. He was not a happy man.

Up at the announcer's table, Dan was seriously considering banging his forehead on the table. If it didn't startle his co-host, it might at least drive him into a blissful concussion. Stan had renewed his dog story during the commercial break, preventing Dan from finding a much needed bathroom. Dan was convinced that this was the hell his grandma had consigned him to as a boy.

Stan was laughing so hard he couldn't even finish his sentences. "And the lady…the lady…HA HA HA HA! She came up to me… and said, 'Keep your dog away…I'm pregnant!' So, I said…HEE HEE HEE! I told her…HA HA HA HA HA! I said, 'You shoulda thought about that before the dog came to visit!'"

Dan raised his head and looked at Stan, "I hope that lady has a very large husband with hundreds of muscles capable of beating your brain into cornmeal."

Stan paled at the suggestion and Dan had a split second to realize how close he probably came to the truth before the camera light clicked on. Commercials over, it was Showtime!

"Welcome back Ladies and Gentlemen! My name is Dan. This is my partner, Stan And you are watching Austen's Celebrity Deathmatch where we take fictional characters and show them how to solve their problems without therapy. We are only minutes away from what is undoubtedly the most exciting match of the evening. Stan, what do you think about our competitors?"

Stan surreptitiously kicked Dan under the table. It hurt like the devil, but Dan was a professional. Every wince or twitch was picked up on camera, so all he could do was smile and control the urge to rub his aching shin.

"Well Dan, this is one of those matches that cannot be forecasted. Elizabeth Bennet Darcy is quite an able fighter. We saw both her parents earlier this evening and they are ample proof of the kind of skill and cunning we might be seeing in the ring.

However, before you start placing your bets, let's talk about Caroline Bingley, also known as The Barracuda."

"And she has earned that name, indeed," Dan interrupted, thinking Stan had monopolized the camera long enough. "Caroline Bingley is one of the dirtiest players in the game. Elizabeth Darcy would be smart to expect biting, cursing, and the occasional kick. Caroline Bingley is the kind of fighter who will do just about anything to win. However, my money is on Darcy. There's just no substitute for smarts."

Darcy was hardly mollified by the open discussion of his wife's merit on the airwaves. His discomfort only increased when Lady Catherine De Bourgh barreled down the aisle toward him.

"Darcy! Darcy! Now you see the error of your ways in marrying that low born hussy!" She cried shrilly, causing many heads to turn curiously in their direction. "You should have done your duty and married Anne!"

Darcy was well aware of his cousin's happy marriage to a Captain Tilney and the events immediately preceding them. "Aunt Catherine, surely you cannot find fault with this activity, having participated in it yourself not too long ago." He phrased his inquiry with honey dipped sweetness.

"Obstinate, headstrong boy! I was defending the honor of my daughter. That hardly bears comparison with the shenanigans of your free spirited wife."

"You speak as if Elizabeth insisted on the match. My understanding is Caroline Bingley, herself, made the challenge."

"Irrelevant! I certainly hope Miss Bingley teaches that social climber a lesson or two. She had my full support!" Lady Catherine huffed as she snatched the package of tortillas from Darcy's hands and strutted toward a seat in the front row.

"I sat on those!" Darcy called out gleefully. Jane and Charles, who had been eavesdropping, grinned unrepentantly. Darcy smiled ruefully at them and picked up Elizabeth's unused package of tortillas and wondered what Charles thought of all this.

The lights over the ring flared again, bringing every eye toward the center of the arena. The bald referee stepped gingerly into the spotlight. He had a large white bandage wrapped around most of his head. One eye was swollen shut and he had about five minutes worth of speaking time before his upper lip doubled its size. Several women in the front row fainted. Darcy first thought they were frightened at the poor mangled man's appearance until he recognized the ladies as the same women who were defeated by a pen nib earlier that evening. The fainting was merely because his cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam trying to sneak back to his seat without Lydia Bennet following him.

"Wadies and lentilmen," the referee slurred as his lips swelled. The respectful hush he had commanded earlier was gone, replaced by stifled laughter from the audience. He glared around him until the giggling abated. "Wits time to meet out contestemants! In the wed cowna, weighing 120 pounds and wearing an owange feathered hat and matching boa, Cawowine Bingwee!"

There were a surprising number of cheers from the audience as Caroline stepped regally onto the platform and waved. Several plastic and stuffed barracudas began flying into the ring. Caroline bent and retrieved one. With pomp and circumstance enough for a royal entourage, she kissed it and sent it streaming back into the enthusiastic audience. Darcy could only surmise he was surrounded by people who loved dirty fighting.

The referee waved for silence. "In the bwue cowna, weighing 118 pounds, demurely dressed but carrying a lot of fire and stwength, Elizabeth Bennet Darcy!"

Caroline looked angry as the audience simply roared its approval as Elizabeth glided into the ring, stepped into the center and dipped a deep curtsey. Darcy was on his feet, screaming his approval along with Jane, Charles, all the Bennets and the rest of the audience.

The contenders faced off at the center with the bruised referee between them.

"Cow!" Sneered Caroline.

"Hatrack!" Shot Elizabeth in reply.

"Aw wight wadies! I want a cwean fight! No biting. No kicking. No acceptance of underwear from audience members of either sex. I want a sedative and a laxative. I want my wips back to nowlmal so I can kiss my sweetie. LET'S GET IT ON!"

Immediately, Caroline flung herself on Lizzy. Lizzy, having expected such tactics, dodged the lunge. Instead, Caroline fell in an ignoble heap on the referee, who hadn't enough time to slink to the sideline. Her body knocked him down face first, causing him to scream in pain as he landed on his lips. With elbows and knees digging into the limp body beneath her, Caroline stood up, incensed to find Lizzy laughing at her.

"Come now Caroline," Lizzy taunted softly. "You can do better than that!"

"And I will you conniving hussy!" Caroline took her boa off with a snap, stunning the tortilla vendor who had snuck on stage to drag the referee off the ring. The boa snapped again, this time in Lizzy's direction, stinging her arm. Caroline flung her arm back viciously and Lizzy dropped to the floor and rolled, knocking Caroline off her feet.

Startled, Caroline lost her grip on the boa and Lizzy took the item in her hands and hog-tied Caroline. "This will teach you to come into my house and flirt with my husband!"

"Pemberley should have been mine! I would have made it a proper mistress! If you hadn't come along with your squinty, squirmy eyes…"

"Fitzwilliam would have chewed his own foot before marrying you, you pathetic fool!" Lizzy replied with a grunt as she struggled to restrain the other woman.

In a fit of fury, Caroline broke out of the boa's confines and crab crawled to her corner of the ring. With a devilish smile, she withdrew the feathers from her hair and began to throw them like darts. Lizzy felt the first one whiz by her ear. She quickly ducked behind the referee, who had regained consciousness and was struggling to get on his feet.

"AAAAAgggghhhhh!" He cried brokenly as the second dart hit his tender backside before he crumbled back into unconsciousness.

"You've killed him!" Cried Lizzy.

"He'll wake up in a few hours," sniffed Caroline. "I may be many things, but I am not a murderer."

Suddenly exposed again, Lizzy narrowed her eyes at her opponent and promptly flashed her dizzying hypnotic stare. "Caroline, you are getting sleepy," she intoned solemnly. Caroline's eyes widened as she fell into her spell and she began to waver and sway where she stood.

"Unacceptable!" Hollered Lady Catherine. She took her walking stick and entered the ring. With a furious cry, she swung the wooden object too close to Lizzy's head. Lizzy was forced to break her stare and shield her head, running away lest the lunatic woman crack open her skull. Caroline swayed dizzily as the spell wore off.

Darcy watched in horror as his aunt bore down on his beloved. Lizzy's entire attitude was of confidence and disdain for the challenge posed by Lady Catherine. Several heated words were exchanged but Darcy knew his aunt would not wait long to use the weapon in her hand. He grabbed the cane of a passing elderly gentleman and once again entered the ring. He chased down his aunt and engaged her head on.

"En garde!" He cried, his body positioned in a perfect fencing stance.

"Ah hah!" Said Lady Catherine, mimicking his stance and soon the clacking of canes resounded in the arena.

Tortilla began littering the ring as one fight became two. One particularly well aimed tomato tortilla knocked the sense into Caroline. She smiled evilly as she realized Lizzy's attention was fixed on her husband's tussle with Lady Catherine. She roared her delight and threw herself on Lizzy.

Lizzy was knocked face down. She arched her back but Caroline's long frame kept her effectively pinned to the ground. With extreme satisfaction, Caroline opened her mouth wide, ready to deliver her signature move, "The Bite of the Barracuda."

"Oh no you don't!"

Caroline turned, still open mouthed, to see her brother Charles standing over her with hands on hips. "I beg your pardon?" She said stiffly.

Charles hauled his sister over his shoulder and ignored her pummeling fists on his back. "I've had enough of your spoiled brat activities, Caroline. You are a disgrace to the family and all decent society!"

"Don't you lecture me you even tempered sap!" Caroline screamed. She looked toward a familiar ally in the audience. "Louisa! Louisa!" She called, extending an imploring hand. "Help me!"

Louisa Hurst always answered her sister's call. She came to stand in Charles' path with hands in hips, demanding he release Caroline.

"Get out of my way, Louisa, or you will get Caroline's share of disciplining as well!" Louisa stayed firm, not believing her gentle brother's threats for a moment. She had cause to reconsider when he summarily dumped Caroline on the floor and advanced toward her. In a split second, Charles had thrown Louisa over his knee and proceeded to spank her as he would a child.

"Caroline!" Louisa wailed, but Caroline had crawled away to renew her attack on Lizzy. "Darling husband!" She called out, for she could not recall his Christian name. Mr. Hurst was well into his dream state however as he sat slumped over his chair, a large beer stain on his shirt and vest.

In the meantime, Caroline crawled past the battling Darcy and Lady Catherine, wincing when Lady Catherine's foot trampled on her hand. She rolled the unconscious referee out of the way and looked about for Lizzy. Caroline frowned in confusion when she could not locate her mortal enemy. Caroline stood and took a headcount. Darcy was beating Lady Russell in their fencing match. Louisa was still being spanked vigorously by Charles. That obnoxious referee was still lying spread eagled on the floor in unawareness. But no Elizabeth!

"Up here you overgrown hotdog on a stick!"

Caroline looked above in horror to see Lizzy perfectly balanced on the corner ropes. She was sparkling and beaming, arms thrown wide in a gesture that encompassed the entire audience and all the various combatant in the ring. The audience got on its feet with applause and screams of delight filled the air.

"This is the end of your career, Caroline," Lizzy said softly, dangerously. "You will never pollute the shades of Pemberley with your presence again!" With that statement, Lizzy's arms lifted higher, her head thrown back. She inhaled deeply and flexed once…twice…and the buttons on her dress began to spin and fling out into the air. The bones and pins of her corset, which connected with Lady Catherine's forehead and knocked her senseless, followed them. Darcy, Charles, and Louisa froze in surprise as Lizzy's dress fell away to reveal a cast iron bra and armored skirt. Caroline began to quake in terror as Lizzy gave a strong battle cry, "RRRRRRRLALALALALA!" and flung herself onto Caroline.

The crowd went wild. In the announcer's table, Dan was standing up and screaming into the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen we have a decisive victory for Elizabeth Bennet Darcy! I have never seen so bold a move in my career folks! She saved it all to the very end and used her strength to pull off the Warrior Princess maneuver! This shall enter the annals of wrestling history. Let me repeat! There is no contesting this outcome. Elizabeth Bennet Darcy, with a single move, has won the match!"

Elizabeth did not wait for the unconscious referee to accept her victory. Taking Darcy and Charles' arms and lifting them into the air, Lizzy gracefully accepted the cheering and accolades that were her due. Caroline was still flat on the ground, sobbing and calling to her sister. Louisa, upset to have been abandoned, ignored Caroline as she crawled out of the ring.

Darcy swept his wife up in his arms, laughing along with her.

"You will have to put me down so I can change back into more respectable clothing, sir," Lizzy whispered in his ear.

Darcy looked appreciatively at his wife, "Perhaps later." He replied. "I find I have a preference for cast iron attire!"

The End! :-)