Writing begun by Cecily (panache) Thursday, November 28, 1996:

"My dear Charlotte, we shall be late to Rosings for the holiday supper!" cried Mr Collins as he tore his sleeve on the hat rack peg while reaching for his black frisbee/clergyman's hat. If I can just keep this wrist out of sight so one will see the awful gash in my sleeve he thought to himself as they hurried into the lane. To his dismay they were late: Lady Catherine glared like Medusa as they entered but merely sniffed, since her attention was more taken up with the horror of Mr/Mrs Wickham's noisy arrival, uninvited. "Lord, I'm so hungry!" shrieked Lydia, bouncing towards the banquet room and piling ham, pork, and everything good on her plate. The Bennet family had arrived some time earlier, so that Mrs Bennet could have a good look at all the silver, paintings, and rooms of prodigious size so often acclaimed by Mr Collins.

Mr Bennet had found his way to the library, where he was quaffing a litre of ale and chuckling to himself over the latest TATLER featuring a very strange article indeed written by his new Pemberley son-in-law, about the hazards of overfishing one's pond by inviting too many Gardiners, Ians, and other rowdy male anglers for a spot of fishing.

Mary and Kitty, meanwhile, had located the piano in Mrs Jenkins room where they were engaged in rehearsing a really rousing rendition of "Will you no come back again?", an old Scottish air, in memory of the Meryton regiment. Mrs Bennet passed them on her way down from the attic, where she had counted no less than eleven trunks filled with Lady Catherine's old ballroom finery and a few childish sketches by Anne, and she reminded the girls to go to the banquet room before Lydia demolished everything in sight.

In the hallway she encountered Lizzie and Darcy, Jane and Bingley, Bingley's sisters and Mr. Hurst, all smiling tightly at Lady Catherine's tense greeting. Charlotte rescued Lizzie and Darcy with a tactful request that they follow her into the garden to see the new Christmas tree farm her husband had planted. Mr Collins also took Jane and Bingley under his wing (he was now hiding his torn sleeve by walking about like Napoleon with his hand in his vest) and led them towards the banquet room. A sorry sight greeted them: Lydia and Wickham were seated by the fire, stuffing each other with creampuffs, and their places at the table looked like a Scout troop had just left Macdonalds. As Jane and Bingley hurriedly cleared the mess, Mr Collins sermonized the guilty pair on the dangers of gluttony.

The dinner gong rang for everyone to go to the banquet room. Darcy rolled his eyes in irritation as Caroline surged forward to claim one arm and his aunt the other arm. Lizzie merely smirked at the two ladies as they all swept in.

Continued by Jake (fen) Thursday, November 28, 1996:

"A blessing, please, Mr. Collins," said Lady Catherine imperiously. Forgetting his sleeve, Mr. Collins folded his hands in full view and began. Charlotte, who always had her sewing kit in her pocket, quietly stitched as he prayed, eyes closed. "The goose looks very well," said Mrs. Bennet heartily with her mouth full of bread. "I don't suppose he looks as well as he used to," murmured Lizzie to Jane, who giggled behind her napkin. Darcy, sighing over his wife's continued teasing habit, stared manfully ahead as Caroline played footsie with him under the table. (God, when will she ever give up? he thought) Bingley tried to affect a diversion by talking about the baby he and Jane were expecting in 6 months. It worked partly since all the Bennet women began cooing about baby clothes and nannies. Mary, however, added her two cents about quality daycare versus Fordyce's sermon #32 about biblical motherhood models. It was enough to drive Mrs. Hurst to another speedy rendition on the grand piano as Lydia began drunkenly to announce that she'd rather be fat than pregnant any day. As Lizzie walked with her father towards the dessert table, Caroline seized the moment to ask Darcy how his own marriage was going. "Swimmingly," he replied shortly, deliberately trodding on her foot as he stood up and abruptly left.

A scream from the hallway sent them all running, only to find that...

Continued by France (alfresco) Friday, November 29, 1996:

This thread is like a picnic chapter in Little Women where all the picnickers tell the next part of the ongoing story. Sharp detours are permitted in the plot and style there, and I hope here.

...a lion escaped from a traveling circus was entering the front door and snarling at the housekeeper. The women turned pale and ran back into the banquet room; the men began shouting orders and encouragement to one another. Bingley grabbed a cane from the stand, as did Wickham, and gingerly walked toward the lion, yelling nonsense to scare it out again. Mr. Bennet, coffee cup in hand, quietly quipped, "You'll get a good scalding if you come too close" to the beast. Mr. Collins, perched on the stair bannister, quoted Daniel in the Lions Den as a supportive measure to the other men.

Of course it was Mr. Darcy who saved the day. Having taken the ham shank from the table, he strode by the lion to the door, fixed its eyes in a Crocodile Dundee staredown, then threw the ham onto the lawn with a firm "Go!" The lion naturally obeyed, knowing a superior being when he saw one. Closing the door, Darcy next swiftly got Wickham to ride the backway to get the circus owners with their net. (If he doesn't get himself killed, it will be the one noble thing he's ever done, thought Darcy.) He then loped back to the admiring gaze of every female in the room (those thighs, thought Caroline; that's my DD- Darcy Delight- thought Lizzie).

c'mon it's your turn now; don't be shy...start a new one if you like...;-)

Continued by Katy (kendall) Friday, November 29, 1996:

Bingley smiled broadly at Darcy. "Excellent, excellent" he said warmly.

"Do I have your blessing then?" asked Darcy.

"Do you feel you need it?" asked Bingley.

"Yes, my dear Charles. well, maybe I actually need a glass of wine instead." said Darcy. He collapsed into a chair.

"This is most vexing, indeed." said Lady C. "You know I do not allow wild animals at Rosings, Darcy. I told you what would happen if you married so far beneath your station. Now dinner is ruined and the carpets are in shreds."

"My dear aunt, surely you do not blame Elizabeth for this fiasco."

"I most certainly do. Elizabeth is always out-of-doors. Lions are always out-of-doors. And she was born in August. I told you you were thinking with your loins instead of your head."

"Loins" repeated Elizabeth and Darcy together with their eyes locked. They left the room together.

Lady Catherine fainted.

Mr. Bennett ROTFLOL'd.

The End.