Author's Note: I realized that I have angsted all of FanFic and not a smile was cracked even by Bingley really. Darcy was dour, Brandon was an Eeyore, a very lovable, humble and kind Eeyore mind you and I won't even begin to dwell on Knightley. He's my sensitive spot...so here are the recipes from yours truly regarding Jane Austen's main novels. Please use them sparingly...too rich for one's system you know and can bring on varying degrees of physical responses that we are all too familiar with!

The Pride and Prejudice Stir-Fry

Need the following ingredients. Please make sure you have the correct ingredients and weight.

1. Need a very handsome, arrogant and landed gentleman with an imperial last name who hides a good heart underneath 16 feet crust of pride (note, this ingredient is imperative for this stir-fry to work)
2. An intelligent young lady who has inherited most of her sister's common sense along with their intelligence. Must be more stubborn than an army mule. (note, she must have tolerable teeth and beautiful eyes)
3. A young gent who needs to learn lessons in life.
4. A sister who is incredibly kind, intelligent and soft-spoken.
5. A sister who isn't.
6. Another sister who married a lout.
7. The lout must be a born poster-child for AA.
8. A sister who reads too much.
9. A sister who doesn't know that civilization actually has a written form of communication.
10. A sister who has less common sense the US Men's Ice Hockey Team in Nagano.
11. An aunt who really can take your teeth to its edge.
12. An aunt who is a real blessing and is the only one in this whole mess that can actually see what's happening.
13. An uncle that tries hard to please.
14. A father that does not.
15. A mother that would make Frank Black in Millennium scream for cover.
16. A rake (note, this ingredient is repeated throughout the other recipes)
17. A gorgeous, lovely and dazzling estate situated happily named Pemberley.
18. Another sister (yes there are many in this recipe) who is too shy to greet the sun.
19. A Mr. Collins (I don't know where you can get this one)
20. A lady who marries the above gentleman (she's even more scarce)
21. A pianoforte (note, this thing weighs 2 tons so be careful.)
22. Half dozen dances and gatherings.

Stir the ingredients all together at once on high heat. No oil is necessary to warm the wok. Mr. Collins will provide amply. And you must stir it constantly for the first two ingredients are extremely hard to mix and will not compliment each other until almost serving time. However once done this dish is very good for the spirit and heart. If you want this dish spicier, please add a lake, a swimming scene and a wet shirt...for Darcy.

The Sense and Sensibility Chicken Soup

Again exact ingredients are necessary to bring life into this old recipe.

1. A young gent who should have had an occupation to busy himself in his youth.
2. A lady who does have an occupation keeping her family together. (note, she must be very pretty and have a great figure and wit)
3. A sister (yet again) who is even prettier, livelier but lacks perspective and control though not suffering for lack of charm and sweetness.
4. Another sister who is still a child but has the instinct to know who to trust.
5. A mother who still grieves for her husband and downfall of her family's social status.
6. An older gentleman who has too much time on his hands and way too many dogs.
7. His wife who should have stayed in London.
8. Her mother who mastered the art of speaking and breathing simultaneously.
9. A callous brother.
10. His wife who is even more vicious in nature (must be hard enough to rouse the greatest cynic to sympathize with her victims.)
11. An army gent, must be a Colonel rank! Age of 35 and wealthy enough to afford many things but heartbroken enough to want none until ingredient #3 comes running along.
12. A rake (note, must be talented in music, poetry and prose - and be able to recite anything with a drop of a lady's nod).
13. An heiress of 50,000 with a cruel and jealous heart.
14. A baby.
15. Mrs. Palmer (note, she is a jovial though flighty creature)
16. An infection.
17. Mr. Palmer, connected to ingredient #15 (note, he is curt,cynical but is at the core, a gentleman.)
18. A money-seeking young lady whose last name is aptly titled Steele.
19. A brother who delights in tormenting other people.
20. Yet another pianoforte (note, find a reliable source for this ingredient b/c with Jane Austen you're gonna need it.)

Stir the ingredients slowly and simmer. Leave it alone for an hour and the ingredients will explode on their own bringing life and flavor to the soup, especially the Colonel. Then take out ingredient #18 and 19 half-hour before serving. This concoction is guaranteed to cure any cold.

The Emma Lemon Cake

The regular drill about the ingredients.

1. A young and gifted lady whose misbegotten beliefs tell hershe must match-make every mammal within 50 miles of her.
2. A gentleman who is clearly in love with #1 but will go throughhell before admitting it to anyone, especially himself.
3. A father that should be on medication of some sort.
4. A governess that did such a good and poor job on her charge.
5. Her husband who is the father of the rake in this recipe.
6. The rake (note, he really isn't b/c he does love the ladyhe is engaged to. Just decides to torment her for 200 pages.)
7. Mr. Elton who is the lemon in this recipe.
8. His wife (note look at ingredient #10 in S&S Chicken Soup)
9. One dotty lady.
10. Her equally dotty daughter (note, she must be kind and deserving much care and good words!)
11. A picnic on a hill unattractively named "Box Hill".
12. Yes, another pianoforte though this instrument gets neglected in this recipe (have a constant supplier yet?) does bring a great mystery into the cake.
13. A mysterious and beautiful young lady who becomes againsther wishes the main focus of ingredient #8.
14. A young girl who becomes the prime victim of ingredient #1.
15. A farmer who does not understand what the hell is happening around him.
16. A gaggle of gypsies.
17. A dance.
18. A portrait (fairly well-done) of ingredient #14. (note, the frame of this portrait must be from London)

Mix the ingredients slowly and the rake will immediately take over to make the cake rise. However please see to it that #2 takes over for the last half-hour of baking. And we must have enough of #1 to see this cake to its perfection for she is the prime reason that this recipe works. Don't worry about the lemon flavor, one Elton is enough for the whole recipe.

Anyway, after all the baking, cooking and praying there should be enough for all of us Pemberlians and I haven't touched the other half of Jane Austen's works yet!

Enjoy!