Author's Note: This is a piece of surpassing silliness, not taken seriously even by its author. Thanks to Nora, Julia and Kathy F. for first making me think about PAI [people against inbreeding] and little inbred Bertrams.

Fanny Price had been married for six years. She lived on a grand estate, was surrounded by her husband's family. She had a good-looking husband...and she had three horrible inbred children.

Yes! Genetics, though not known at the time, was taking its terrible toll on Edmund and Fanny's progeny. Not that they had three eyes, God forbid, or missed a limb. All these Fanny could have borne, taking care of the afflictions. Instead, Edmund Jr., little Fanny, and little Tom were pale anemic little creatures. Their hair had no color. Their face had no color. Their eyes had no color. Not that they were albinos, mind you. They were just pale. And wishy-washy as their personalities. All they did the whole day was argue about philosophy or quote sermons at each other, until Fanny thought she couldn't stand it. She liked philosophy and respected sermons, but to hear her three children pedantically and whinily discourse on the topic in squeaky monotones drove her insane. She tried to curb that tendency, but the children paid her no attention, and Edmund refused to help, saying that he liked that his children showed wisdom and restraint older than their years. Sometimes (well, more often than that) Fanny wished she married Henry Crawford.

"Really, this is enough to drive anyone insane" thought she this fine morning. Even though she did not know it, she was dangerously near breaking point. "Oh, God! As long as they don't come here" she sighed, as soon as she heard three colorless little voices. But sure enough, the children walked in the room and sedately began discussing Fordyce's sermons. They did not notice that their mother was looking out of spirits. Indeed, there was a good possibility they would have paid no attention if Fanny was convulsing on the floor.

Fanny tried to reign in her feelings, but she couldn't. Not any more. Suddenly she yelled "Leave this room!" The children barely glanced at her, before continuing their discussion. Fanny screamed again, and the children sedately walked outside with complete sangfroid. She could hear them impassively continue their discussion in the hall. Suddenly the truth hit Fanny. She was almost blinded by it.

"Ahhhh!" she screamed "PAI PAI PAI! They are INBRED!!!" "INBRED!!"............

And woke up in Henry Crawford's arms.

"Darling, shhh, you were having a nightmare" said he as he held her close.

A great wave of relief swept through her. "Thank God" whispered she. "Sorry I woke you up"

"It's all right, Mrs. Crawford" replied he, smiling into her eyes.

THE END