Posted on Friday, 28-Aug-98

ake up, silly!" Anne Thorpe yelled as she shook her sister, Isabella, out of her deep slumber. "You must help me prepare my costume for the masquerade tonight!"

"Anne, I told you to wear the princess costume. Now let me go back to sleep." Isabella mumbled. Anne picked up the mattress that was on Isabella's bed and tipped it upward enough so that Isabella was caught unawares and fell out of bed. "Anne, I certainly won't help you now, you hooligan!"

"Fine, don't! But if you don't, I'm going to tell mother where you really were last night! And I know you were out visiting Catherine Morland!"

"Don't you dare! If you tell mother, I'll cut off all your hair while you're sleeping!" Isabella screeched.

"Well, are you going to help me or not?" Isabella slowly picked herself up off the floor, inspecting for injuries and surrendered to the wrath of her sister. They spent the day picking out a lovely shade of pale yellow silk for Anne's costume and a beautiful, but fake, diamond tiara. Anne would not rest until she had found the biggest, shiniest, most real looking tiara.

Two hours before the masquerade ball Millie, Anne's lady in waiting, was just returning with her mistress's dress.

"What took you so long?" Anne demanded.

"Sorry mum. The dress wasn't quite finished when I arrived and I had to wait while the tailor sewed on the last of the lace. You will look beautiful tonight mum. I'll be surprised if you don't turn quite a few heads in that pretty gown."

"Very well, you are forgiven Millie. But if this ever happens again, be sure to send a note informing me of the tailors stupidity and tardiness, or I will turn you out on your ear, do you hear?"

"Yes, mum. Would you like me to begin your hair?"

"Yes, yes, yes!" Anne cried impatiently. "I must hurry! I have but two hours to be ready in!"

Meanwhile.................

Sir Walter Elliot looked himself up and down in the mirror, inspecting his cape and feathered hat, and attaching his sword to his belt. He straightened his mask as he thought to himself...Well, not so bad looking after all these years, are we Elliot? I think not! May turn out to be a pleasant evening after all.....Maybe Wentworth's idea wasn't too bad after all.....Not too bad.....

Two hours later he was dropped off at his daughter Anne Wentworth and her husband, Captain Wentworth's home. As he entered the ball room he saw many unfamiliar, masked faces, but one lady's, in particular, captured his fancy, and so he approached the Princess and asked her to dance. As they began dancing about the room she started the conversation off.

"And who are you this evening Sir?" she asked, giggling.

Sir Walter Elliot could smell the punch on her breath, but replied, "I am one of the four great Musketeers. And may I inquire whom you are masquerading as this evening?"

"I am Lady Anne of Devonshire, though you may call me Lady Ann, if it pleases you."

"It does exceedingly madam. Are you aquatinted with any royalty?" A connection with Lady Ann may not be a horrid idea.

"Oh yes! I know of many royalty! There's Duke Henry of Yarma and Princess Celestia and Prince William and Lady Marion! Oh yes, I know quite a bit of royalty. Though I do believe my favorite is dear, dear Queenie! Yes, my oldest, dearest friend Queenie, I believe since I was but four years!" Anne was fondly thinking of dear Queenie. Her soft, big brown eyes. Her big floppy ears that she used to trip on when she was little, and her cute, soft, tiny feet!

Sir Walter was astonished. A very good connection to have indeed! "May I have the next two dances?" he asked of her as their first dance ended. Anne Thorpe had never had anyone ask for more than two dances with her ever! It was a great astonishment to her, and when her mother saw her being led out onto the floor, yet again, by the same, handsome Musketeer, she nearly fainted! Seeing her Anne so admired was a rarity indeed!

The set began and Sir Walter Elliot tried to determine more about the girl, and what the downside to a match with her would be. He had very much exceeded his income almost every year, and had long been debating remarrying someone with a large fortune, if he should so happen to come across the one. They continued dancing the night away, and Anne, very much inebriated, answered them while playing her part as a Lady.

"Does your father have a business?"

"No, of course not! He is a gentleman by all accounts."

"Where is your estate?"

"Derbyshire. Woodland High is about five and twenty miles from the home of the Darcys. Do you know them?"

"The Fitzwilliam Darcys? Slightly. I have met with Mr. and Mrs. Darcy on some very few occasions."

"Ah, I see," she said archly. "And where do you and Mrs. Musketeer reside?"

"My wife passed away some years ago. My estate is Kellynch Hall, in Somersetshire." he responded quickly.

"Oh..."

They continued talking about this and that and Anne invited Elliot to meet her family when the set ended, and he escorted her across the floor to her mother where the introduction was made.

"I am very glad to make your acquaintance Mrs. Thorpe. It's a pleasure, I assure you."

"The pleasure is all mine, I assure you. It's always nice to meet another one of Anne's friends. Have you been long in Bath?"

"Yes, madam. My stay here is almost concluded, though I find I may be forced to stay a some little days longer with some business."

"I hope the rest of your stay may be very enjoyable sir, and I implore you to take tea with us on the 'morrow, if you are not otherwise engaged."

"Oh, yes! Then you could meet Queenie!" Anne piped up. Sir Elliot was all astonishment. Meet the Queen? The Queen was staying with the Thorpes?

"Silly girl, why would he want to meet Queenie? No, Queenie had much better stay outside while the kind Sir visits with us."

Keep the Queen of England outside? In the winter? During tea? How unusual! No, that wouldn't do.

"I beg of you madam. I would very much like to meet...'Queenie'" he said 'Queenie' with some hesitance, not sure what he should refer to the Queen of England as.

"Very well then, Sir. We shall allow Queenie inside during tea. Would you be able to come at, perhaps, four?"

"That shall do very well madam. But I must take my leave now. Until tomorrow!" he kissed their hands and took his leave, excited to get home and write of the evenings events to his sister-in-law. She would be very much astonished to hear that he had attached himself to such a wealthy, respectable family.

He received an answer from his sister-in-law sooner than expected. In fact it came just as he was about to leave for the Thorpe's. She congratulated him on his find and informed him that they were a very good, very wealthy family. This was just the "Go ahead" Elliot needed and so he continued to the Thorpe's. Promptly at four, Sir Walter Elliot arrived at the Thorpe's home in Bath. He had been preparing what he would say to the Queen the whole carriage ride and was very nervous. Therefore, he was much surprised to see just Miss Anne, her mother, and another very pretty young woman, whom he later learned was Miss Isabella Thorpe, engaged to Mr. James Morland. No where did he see the Queen.

"I hope you are all well? I thought we would have one more in our party this afternoon."

"Sadly, yes. Queenie is ill, and therefore has gone to sleep. We would not wake her for the world, poor thing, she got absolutely no sleep last night. And you know, we could not allow her in the parlor today if we did wake her, for she would make an utter mess of the carpet!"

"I see.....I would you should tell her that I wish her very well and up and about soon."

"Oh, do not trouble yourself about such a silly little thing. She will be well enough soon, or my son, John, who is not present today, we be absolutely furious. They love to go hunting together in our woods at home."

"Really?! They hunt together? I had no idea!"

"Oh yes! If John doesn't get to use her at least twice a week, he is quite aggravated!"

"Truly!" thinking it most polite of him to change the subject he had been dwelling on for so long, quite to the confusion of his hostess', so that they would not catch on that he simply wanted their money and connections, he decided to talk about their stay in Bath. "How long have you and your family been in Bath, madam?"

"Oh, perhaps, five weeks almost, I believe. And how long have you been?"

"Tomorrow shall be the start of my sixth and final week in this city. I shall then be moving on towards London to take care of some business and then heading to check up on my estate, Kellynch Hall, in Sommersetshire. Have you been to any theatricals or concerts?"

"We have been to but three plays and five concerts," Anne supplied, finding her mother's incessant talking aggravating, and anxious for her turn to talk with her suitor. He was, perhaps, a bit elderly, but sometimes the old and the young made the best suited couples.

"And what have you blessed the theater by seeing?"

"We mostly love Shakespeare, sir. Last we saw "Much Ado About Nothing." Have you seen it?" Isabella inquired.

"And did you see it in the Bath Opera House? On Tuesday last?"

"Yes, sir. But how do you know?" Anne was intrigued.

"I was there myself! A smart theatrical if I ever saw one! Quite good, though the version they played in Drury Lane in London last season was most exceptional, yet only slightly better than this production."

"Do you read Shakespeare, sir?" asked Mrs. Thorpe.

"On occasion. In my early youth I was quite enamored and, I think, read all of Shakespeare's plays."

"Which did you find best to your liking, sir?"

"'Romeo and Juliet' is a bit to tragic for me, 'Hamlet' too serious, 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' was one of my favorites, but I believe that my very favorite is 'Much Ado About Nothing.' It has romance, comedy, and drama. Three of the best qualities of a well written play. I am always sure to travel out of my way, wherever I might hear of it playing, if I am remotely near the theater." And so the conversation continued. They covered many topics and learned quite a good deal about one another. At six Sir Elliot was implored to stay to dinner, but declined saying he had previous engagements with his daughter and Son-in-law, and so he bid Adieu.

The next day they met by chance in the Upper Rooms and after their appearances were put in, chatted for the better part of an hour. The next day Sir Elliot found the Thorpe's card awaiting him at his lodgings whence he returned from Anne and Wentworth's Bath house, and was planning to return the visit after visiting the Lower Rooms the day after that, when yet again, they met by chance. This time he and Anne had a chance to talk alone and he asked for a private audience with her the next day at her home at two. This was agreed to, and Elliot took his leave while Anne ran to tell her mother the delicious news. It was a subject the Sir had been thinking on for some small amount of time, and though he found Anne incredibly silly, and with more than a slight mean streak, which he had seen displayed when she thought no one was looking, towards her elder sister, she could be very polite in public and would make a fair hostess. She had wonderful connections, and considering the connection, must have a rather large dowry. She must have at least 30,000 pounds. He had noticed that her family was not one of the most fashionable, and that they did not lodge in the very best part of town, but there was that estate near the Darcy property, and the connection with the Queen! To be on such familiar terms with the Queen! It was, indeed a favorable match on both sides, for though she had a large dowry, she was not likely to receive a respectable proposal of marriage, for whoever wanted her dowry would have to put up with a great deal to get it. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And Sir Walter Elliot was a desperate man.

The Next Day At 1:30 PM In The Lodgings Of Sir Walter Elliot.

Elliot straightened his jacket and tightened his cravat as he inspected his apparel. Looking nice on this occasion was perhaps, not a bad thing, though he normally did not pay much attention to his attire. He called for his man, and set off to the Thorpe's residence to ask for Miss Anne's hand in marriage.

He entered the parlor and Anne stood up to receive him. She was the only person in the room and they talked for some minutes on common topics of conversation, him feeling his feet turn cold, and Anne with growing agitation at his slow progress. She had her answer all planned out. She might make him suffer some little time, and pretend to have to think on her answer for some minutes, for she was sure he wouldn't mind waiting, since he really, truly, loved her. Finally, Sir Elliot forced himself to come about, and asked the major question whilst Anne was in the middle of a sentence. She was so flustered that she could do nothing but blush and accept. He went to her mother approximately ten minutes later, and the engagement was official.

He, unfortunately, had to leave Bath in two days time, but would meet with her again in three months in London, where they would spend a month in each other's company and then be married. The three months passed quickly by and the same with the first half of the month after. He was calling on her one day when she happened to mention her old friend "Queenie" again.

"Have you seen the Queen of late?"

"Not since we left Bath. She went with John back to the estate so they could hunt together. They have been there these four months time."

"Truly?! There are so many particulars of the Queen, which her subjects have no idea about. I am glad to be one of the few who know much of her."

To this statement Anne looked confused, but continued on, "She is expecting and will soon be able to hunt no longer, you know."

"She's expecting?!" Elliot was shocked. "Who is the father?!"

"We're not sure. We're never sure when it comes to Queenie. She's had so many, you know. This time we're almost sure that it's the Duke of Yarma, but it may turn out to be Prince William's, or some other stray scalawag."

"This is most shocking! Does no one know of her expectancy?"

"No, indeed. Why should they?" And so the conversation continued. Late that night, Sir Elliot was at a local pub with one of his old friends, whom he had recently met up with. He had had a few too many to drink, and the entire story about the Queen hunting with John Thorpe, and her expectancy was brought out and told in detail to his friend, the very shocked journalist.

Elliot awoke to the blinding sun as a maid pulled open the draperies, instantly triggering his headache.

"I'm sorry to wake you sir," apologized the maid, "but you said you wanted to get an early start today so that you could arrange your travel plans and bid good-bye to you acquaintances."

"Quite all right...." Elliot mumbled as he rubbed his eyes and staggered out of bed, unable to walk in a straight line. "Is breakfast ready?"

"Yes sir, it's ready in the dining room."

With that he tugged on his robe and slippers and made his way down stairs. His coffee, scone, eggs, sausage, and newspaper were awaiting him as usual. He took a sip of his coffee and picked up the newspaper. The cup only made it half way to his mouth on the second trip and halted in mid air as he caught sight of the first, bold, headline on the front page.

The article went on to say that their head reporter had learned of late, from a very reliable source who was intimately connected with a young lady who was intimately connected to the Queen, that the Queen regularly went on unaccompanied hunting trips with a commoner from Derbyshire, was recently ill, though much better now, and was expecting a child which, it is supposed, triggered the recent illness. They went on to say that who the father was, was not certain, they would have to wait until the baby was born to be sure, but the Queen was almost certain it was the Duke of Yarma, though it could have been any number of "scalawag's."

While reading, Sir Elliot had been slowly putting down his still suspended arm, and had completely forgotten about his full to the brim, extremely hot coffee. The contents of the cup spilled all over his lap as he read the last line, and he jumped up, yelling at the top of his lungs. It wasn't so much the coffee that had him yelling as the article. The coffee hadn't completely soaked through his clothing yet, and he had taken little notice of it. Last night suddenly flashed before him. He suddenly remembered what had taken place at the bar. He wasn't sure how to react. Yes, the article was true, to his knowledge, but if the Queen found out he was the one who had divulged the information, he might be sent to the guillotine! There was only one way to prevent that from happening. He must marry Anne at once! But what if she would no longer take him after reading the article? It clearly stated that the Queen went on scandalous hunting trips with John Thorpe. Anne would have to know it was he who had told all. Only the biggest imbecile would not realize that. They were to be married in eleven days. Was it enough?

A servant entered the room and noticed the rather large coffee stain on the lap of his night robe. He took the robe to be washed and sent Sir Elliot upstairs to get dressed without finishing his breakfast. While in the bath Elliot did some thinking. He would have to escape. He had family in Scotland, was eleven days a long enough visit? It would take at least three days journey there and three days journey back. He could stay with his cousin for a mere five days and then set off back to Kellynch Hall where Anne and her relatives would meet him for the wedding. Everything was settled and he quickly wrote to his cousin informing him of his visiting in three days. His last responsibility before leaving for Scotland was to tell Anne he would be leaving and would not be back until the night before the wedding was to take place.

Anne ran up to him as he entered the room as she clasped his hands in hers and exclaimed, "My dear sir! Have you heard the news? The Queen is expecting! And the Duke of Yarma is suspected to be the father! Is it not notorious? And did you read that the Queen often goes hunting with a Mr. John Thorpe? Is it not strange?" Anne stopped as she noticed that Sir Elliot was not responding. "My love, is it not strange?" she repeated.

"Ah, yes.....Very strange indeed," this answer satisfied Anne's mind and she continued.

"To think that there is another, unknown, John Thorpe! Another! For I know 'tis not my dear brother, and so that must be the only logical explanation, can it not?"

"Yes....Quite right my dear. But that is not why I have come."

Anne looked confused and worried.

"I....I must away....."

Anne did not know how to answer to this news. So close to their wedding! "Away? To where?"

"To Scotland. To see my cousin, Phillips. He is having some very pressing matters with his estate and wishes me to help him," Elliot stated, looking at his hands.

"To Scotland! Such a great distance!? For how long?"

"I shall be back the night before the wedding at the very latest, I promise you," he felt horrible for doing this, but he must escape the country. He may not have loved her, but he felt a certain obligation of duty to be sorry for leaving. He soon after took his leave and returned to his lodgings. Two hours later he was on his way to Scotland, fleeing for his life.

Anne, on the other hand, was also very much vexed. What had she done to make him leave? Surely his cousin's business affairs were not quite so important as their wedding! But what was done was done. Her mother was furious at her daughter, sure that Sir Elliot would never come back. Her anger soon subsided the next day when Anne received a letter from him, telling her of his love and how he despaired to be away from her. Unbeknownst to her it was one of a series of letters he had told his servants to deliver whilst he was away. They were completely false, for he was actually glad to be away from the silly, mean, girl and her mother. But duties were duties, and there are no escaping them. So, Sir Walter Elliot did his, and played the good lover.

Sir Elliot's trip was uneventful and though he was glad to see his distant cousins, even if for just a short time, their children were almost like having Anne by his side, day and night. They tended to be rude, were constantly loud, bad tempered, silly, and stupid. He had at first thought differently. For approximately thirty seconds he thought differently. It was his first minute there, arriving in his carriage, when he saw the children running up to greet him. This touched his heart, and he greeted them with open arms. The children had looked at him oddly and finally, the fourth out of the seven, about seven years old, had the nerve to ask him, "Didn't you bring us any presents from London?" Walter had furrowed his brow and answered in the negative. To this the children looked disgusted and tramped back into the house without saying another word to him. And now he was on his way home at last. Even this could not be comfort to him. Every passing carriage he thought to be the Queen, hunting him down, about to chop his head off. No, he would not rest until Anne and he were married - and even then, who knew if even his marriage would be enough to insure the keeping of his head. He was quite anxious.

When he did arrive, about nine p.m. the night before the wedding, he found the place decorated in lavender and white flowers, green leaves, and gold trimmings. It was all very pretty, but the flowers had him sneezing and sneezing well into the night, causing him no rest and a horrid headache. It seemed that he had finally drifted off to sleep when he was awoken by the same maid, drawing his drapes. He sleepily pulled himself out of bed while he accepted the congratulations of his maid, and about five minutes later, the congratulations of his manservant as he was helped into the bath. He received many hearty congratulations, though he didn't think himself the most fortunate of men, but received them all politely while holding his tongue.

The hour of the wedding arrived. Elliot took his place next to the minister, coincidentally, one Reverend Edward Ferrars, and continuously kept glancing nervously from side to side, still watching for any sign of the Queen or her carriage through the windows of the church, or any threat to life at all. He had hardly noticed when the music began and Anne made her way down the isle until she was right in front of him. He immediately remembered to take her arm and the rest of the ceremony proceeded smoothly, except for the incessant sobs coming from Mrs. Thorpe. They were just walking out of the church as husband and wife when a messenger ran up to Sir Elliot with a letter.

"The lady said this letter was an emergency sir. That you were to read it as soon as it entered your hands."

"Thank you, boy," said Sir Elliot, looking curiously at the letter. He tore it open while standing outside the carriage that would take Sir and Lady Elliot home and read the following:

My dearest brother,

I write this with some urgency and a hope that you will receive this note before it is too late! It has all been a horrible mistake! The Thorpe family, of whom you questioned me about so long ago, I have discovered in fact, is not wealthy! They are poorer than church mice! They are also in no way intimately connected with the Queen! I urge you to call of the wedding before all is lost and maintain your good name! God speed this letter to you, finding you well and single.

Your loving Sister,

Margaret Elliot & co.

As Elliot read his face turned a ghastly shade of white. His attention was called back to the present by Anne, who was calling his name.

"Elliot! Elliot! See what I have brought you?" Anne shouted from the carriage. Elliot snapped to attention as he looked in the direction of the carriage. A small dog was yelping and panting at him, standing in Anne's lap with his front paws on the side of the open carriage. Once Anne had gained his attention she continued, "My dear, you see? It is Queenie! Queenie is going to live with us!" Sir Walter walked closer to Anne and the mutt.

"This....This is Queenie?" he asked as he hysterically started laughing and crying at the same time. He crawled into the carriage and continued in that manner for quite some time. The next day there was an announcement in the paper retracting the scandalous article it had printed about the Queen. But the damage was done. From that day forth it was said that perhaps Sir Elliot's marble's were not all there, maybe a few screws were missing as well, and that he a few of his eggs in his basket were cracked. Therefore, Anne and Elliot lived semi-happily for the rest of their silly lives while Sir Elliot's children supported him.

THE END!