That Perfume...

By Jimmy

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

Blame the folks in CHAT. But we came up with an idea to write really horrible opening lines for P&P. No violence or nudity, just really, really bad writing. So to start off...

arcy suddenly caught the scent in the foyer as he entered, it was not unlike the local cow fields during a hot August, then the source of the scent came rushing to him; it was Lydia his wife nee Bennet, "Darling do you like my new perfume?"

Wedding Night Blues...

By Bill

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

Collins spit on his hand to slick back his unkempt hair, wiped his moist philtrum with his ragged sleeve, then called out cheerily in the warm spring flatulant air to his new bride, "Come out of hiding, Charlotte. 'Tis our wedding night after all".

A Turn For The Wurst

By Bill

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

Turning into a sealed off pantry, Lizzy felt hopelessly trapped like a paralyzed orphan chipmunk in an abandoned monastery, but she inhaled her breath very deeply and screwed up her flagging courage with great force and fairly spat dripping sarcasm in Mr. Collins's general direction. "What, marry you, you old moldy sausage? Why I would rather entail a flea bitten dog to turn Anglican and have it fall in love with one of my alabastard shins."

By Rachel, then Lise

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

The Netherfield Strippers have come again--at last!"--this statement could nothing but raise general excitement at the Longbourne Retirement Home. The inmates, who had a circus act with poodles under the name of The Bennets, were looking forward to a possible alliance with the Strippers, because it is a truth universally acknowledged that two acts raise more money than one, no matter how cute their star performer, the perky little Billy, could shake his little tail on the catwalk.

Especially Mrs. Bennet was enamoured of the idea--she foresaw a great success, for all the grown-ups would come for the strippers and the elderly and children would come for the poodles. It would be the perfect family outing, and her children would be assured of an income.

By Spring

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

Author's Note: OK, Darn it!!! I missed Chat today and now there's a Chat Challenge. Figures. I can't think of a first line right now but I do have a last line....

Darcy squared his shoulders and pulled himself up to his full height as he exasperatedly glared down at Bingley. "My good fellow, if I had a pontoon boat I wouldn't have to walk like this."

(Ba dump ching!)

Miss Mary Bennet: A Side Of Her We Never Knew...

By Maddie

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

Author's Note: Okay, so, the guys at chat were really disgusted by this, and soon began assailling me with their foolish assumptions. (As if!) So of course, I knew I must post this.

Mary Bennet closed her book, and cleared her throath: "It has often been said, that the most useful companion for a woman in times of distress in one of her own sex." She licked her lips and glanced seductively over her spectacles, "...and therefore, my dear Miss Maria Lucas, let us indulge in some... friendliness..."

By Pyro and Morganna

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

Darcy gently picked the green sleep out of his left eye, rolled it into a ball and flicked it at Bingly.

Opening Statements

By Rachel

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

Here are a few from my own pen--well, sometimes there are breaks to make it flow better, but they are opening statements and that's all I claim they to be and I really won't turn you into a newt . . .

Darcy smiled and blew a kiss at his reflection in the mirror as he smoothed the soft velvet of his beautiful new green dress, while Bingley tucked some ivory-colored Brussles lace into the front of his apple-green muslin and the Colonel carefully put on his new gold sash over the front of his stunning red scoop-neck. After a little more time passed in further efforts in getting the bows on their bonnets to stay charmingly tucked behind their ears, and more time in waiting for Hurst to finish his toilette with his bright pink dress and that horrid turban of his with the orange feathers and green tassles, they were finally all ready to go clubbing.

and (But partial credit to Bill on this! He finished it off with such finesse that I had to include it!)

Mr. Collins simpered as he replied with, "I am convinced that an indulgence in bacchanalia, in such a nudist colony as this, can have no evil tenancy! especially when applied in a conscientious program of oral hygiene and regular professional care!"

and (for a Crossover)

Mrs. Jennings sighed, not knowing how to put the matter delicately—so, she went ahead and said it in her usual giggly way. "Well, Colonel Fitzwilliam, as much as I am flattered by your kind offer of matrimony, I am sad to say that I cannot marry you, as I will admit to you that I consider myself married already, as I am in a secret betrothal with Captain Tilney . . . I fear his father's disapproval so dreadfully!"

and lastly . . .

"You know you want me."

Elizabeth could not help but be infuriated at this sentence, and she finally shouted, "You're wrong! You're wrong, Mr. Darcy! for I love Captain Denny! those regimentals make my heart pound! . . . or maybe it's Mr. Collins, his hair is always so stylish . . . of course, I could be thinking of Chamberlayne, even though he crossdresses, but in any case, you're the last man in the world I could ever marry!"

More

By Lise

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

He was tough, he was cute, he was wanted. He was The Colonel, and he is not going to appear in this story until well past the middle of the book.

It was a beautiful day: the sun was shining like the buttons on Captain Denny's regimentals, the sky was as blue as Miss Rachel's eyes that stared into the Captains' adoringly, and Netherfield was let at last.

By Aja

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

Mr. Collins rolled his eyes, overwhelmed at the passionate kisses of Lady Catherine. "It is so condescending of you, my darling, to shower me with such marked attentions--but may I ask if you think our clandestine affair at all suitable for a clergyman and his patroness?"

"Nonsense," was the reply, murmured seductively as Lady Catherine bent to undo her leather girdle. "Since Darcy married that tramp my disgrace must be universally acknowledged--at last, without shame, I can disclose my true affection for you, my lambkin."

"Ah, my lady!" cried the gallant hero, reaching to remove his spandex undershirt before enfolding her in a breathtaking embrace.

Really Bad Opening Line for P&P

By Scarlet

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

This is a story of five sisters, whose fates are undecided as their father's estate is entailed away to a distant cousin upon his death (who, when he inherits, may turn them out before their father is cold in his grave), whose mother is wild with joy as she hears that a young, rich gentleman has taken Netherfield Park and therefore must marry one of her daughters for it is a truth, universally acknowledged that a single man of fortune must be in want of a wife!

By Mary S.

Posted on Wednesday, 19-Aug-98

Sir William Lucas rolled over on the bed to look at his companion. Letting out a contented sigh he stated,

"Well, Miss Elizabeth, this only confirms my opnion that you are the jewel of all Hertfordshire"

The Mexican Honeymoon

By NicoletheGreat

Posted on Thursday, 20-Aug-98

Author's Note: I don't consider this a "bad opening liner"... because when I started to write, the words flooded through my typing... and so it is longer than a liner... it's a mini story but oh well! I hope you enjoy it... I would dedicate it my he wishes to remain unknown...

The new Mrs. Darcy placed her body sideways on the bed, creating a spoon shaped pose. Her skin was draped with a silk navy lingerie slip. (PG-13-- I tell you!). She quickly ruffled her hair and shook loose the tight, curly tendrils as she heard Mr. Darcy coming out of the bathroom. The door swung open as she heard a loud *flush*.

"Ah, Eliza--beth," he burped out 'beth' with a large, wet, revolting burp. Darcy patted his chest and used his fist to bring up another belch. "*bbrrrppp*. That Mexican food was not a good idea."

Elizabeth's startled face grew aghast. Her chocolate brown eyes widened with horror while Darcy sauntered his way to his bride. As Darcy strutted torwards the bed, a loud putrid fart cut into the air. The smell of rotten eggs knocked Elizabeth back and gagged her from fresh air. Her face crunched into a frantic and repulsed expression. Darcy widened his eager smile as he hopped on the bed. The springs bounced up and down making Elizabeth ill with near sea-sickness. The retched fart still hung in the air and smothered her like hot steam in a shower. She could stand it no longer. What did she marry?

Suddenly as Darcy began to wrap his arm around Elizabeth, she flung herself to the empty side of the bed. She grabbed her pillow and pressed it against her face to filter the stench.

"What's wrong, Elizabeth?"

She came out from behind her pillow and began to speak, "Oh Wil--"

"*Brrrpp*." His brown eyes continued to look at her as he rose his hand to bury his burp. Quickly his eyes flickered. Elizabeth witnessed his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. "One moment, Dear."

Darcy turned his head to the wastebasket near the bed and began to cough. He snorted up mucus from his nose. "*Ssnnnuuggtt*." And gathered it in his mouth and spit out the slimy snot directly in the wastebasket five feet away. "Score!!!!" He smiled as he turned back to Elizabeth and then regained his countenance.

She raised her eyes and stared at a long string dripping off his lips. As he spoke, the spit dangled and swung near his chin. He grinned. "So you wanna kiss?"

This One With Political Overtones

By Mary S

Posted on Thursday, 20-Aug-98

He looked down at the young woman taking her in from top to bottom.

"What was yer name agan?" he said in a southern drawl, "Lewinski?"

"No, sir, it's Liddie.., Liddie Bennet."

"Ah, I see, well, Liddie, would ya mind steppin inta my office?"

Posted on Saturday, 22-Aug-98

By Ellen M

I did my best to do my worst, hope you like (or don't, rather). Hmm, this is confusing! ;-)

In the general scheme and on-going tribulations of life, several truths might be universally acknowledged, if one is given to ackowledging such things, although we do advise that if one were to do so, one should refrain from voicing an opinion aloud, in the street, for example, as several of the Bennet sisters, indeed, their mother as well, have been known to do, Miss Lydia in particular exhibiting most unseemly behavior which sadly diminished the esteem in which they might have been held by more circumspect citizens, such as the lovely Mr. Collins, (indeed, I myself never saw the attraction that some had for Mr. Collins, he always seemed a bit over-moist to me), who many felt would be the perfect life companion for poor Mary, as she was not the most attractive of the Bennet sisters, and had what could generously be described as an unfortunate singing voice, which she excersized at the most inopportune times, but that is neither here nor there, and I fear I digress from what was to be my point, although now I seem to have misplaced it, oh dear, well, never mind.

By Ewa and Joanna

For Lise

It is a truth universally acknowledged that men tend to form all sorts of relations with each other, especially if the chosen ladies do not fancy them.

Amsterdam seems to be the place to come, especially in the beginning of August. The regimentals are all in favours, and even the shy ones get some cream or ice cream. Dutch railways are reported to be best for it.

Posted on Saturday, 22-Aug-98

By Ewa and Joanna

"Get thee to the nunnery!" exclaimed Rich Fitzwilliam to his girlfriend when she decided to swap him for her girlfirend.

or

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what Colonel, you gonna get." thought Lidia Bennet counting the trouser buttons she collected over the years.

or

"Lady Catherine, I have some distressing news!"

"What is it Collins?"

"Well, these are this Friday's confessions from your tenants. It seems that Taylor has an affair with apothecary's wife, and the apothecary has an affair with your steward's wife. And the steward has affair with the parson's wife, and the parson..." Collins bit his tongue.

Posted on Sunday, 23-Aug-98

By Ewa and Joanna

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that young women in possesion of healthy body, are in need of a man." said Elizabeth Bennet to her sister, Jane, who was lying in bed next to her, while having the usual evening chat.