Chapter 1

Posted on Thursday, 23-Jul-98

This is an amusing story based very loosely on the characters featured in P&P.

ne fine morning, Mr. Collins woke up and found his face plastered to the pillow with his saliva. "Damn! I hate it when that happens. I must have been dreaming of the Lady of Worstershire again!" So dismembering himself from his pillow, he glanced on the day to come. G-d knows how he managed to glance on the day to come, but hey, he's Mr. Collins.

Out on the fields of Pemberley, he saw Mr. Darcy walking back from one of his mid-winter masochistic oh-so-kinky-but-not-really swims.

Mr. Darcy's face was lit up with a lewd grin as he saw Mr. Collins peering out the window. "Ho there! Collins! Come out for a swim. It really is quite bracing! Look at me! Don't I look braced?!"

Mr. Collins looked at the young master's sodden riding breeches and agreed that yes, he really did look braced. So, grabbing his tabernacle of terror and plasticine crucifix, he jumped out the window. "I'm coming, Darcy! Just let me grab my nightcap!"

Darcy looked at his Rolex. "Damn, old fellow. It seems I have a meeting with the Archbishop of Canterbury for an early garlic prawn of the holy covenant. Care to join us, funbags??"

Chapter 2 --Darcy Goes (Even) Deeper

Posted on Sunday, 26-Jul-98

"Come in, dear boy!"

"Ah, I see you have prepared for my coming. Garlic prawns, salted porridge and hash browns."

Sunday morning was a very important time for the Archbishop who looked forward to his short time with the beautiful and sodden Darcy. Every time he saw cheesecloth, a shiver ran up his spine and caused spasms in his eyeballs. "Yes, all preparations have been duly made. And look here on the mantelpiece, a shrine to the consecrated garlic prawn! And have you noticed my new crucifix patterned pyjama top?" Darcy made a throat-gurgling-mucus-producing sound and reached for a very hot cup of tea to wash it all down.

"Yes, the pattern is very becoming on you," said Darcy with a cheeky grin, "but if I were on you I'd be coming too."

The Archbishop gave the haughty young boy a good spank on the back. "Oh the wit, Darcy. Oh the wit!"

Chapter 2 Continued...

Posted on Sunday, 16-Aug-98

"My, what lovely bedsocks you have!"

"I like the gold motif, especially the interwoven fluro yellow lace."

The Archbishop of the garlic prawn tensed his muscles to keep from retching. Rich as he was, Darcy was truly camp in his choice of undergarments. The Archbishop himself much preferred hessian sack-long johns. Just like they used to give him in the "old days" at the school of Theology.

sorry, can't be bothered writing any more!