Posted on Friday, 13-Nov-98

Mr. Elliot walked into the Elliot's building (not his building the other Elliot's) feeling rather eliotish, which is to say his thoughts were along the lines of BARONETAGE BARONETAGE BARONETAGE BARONETAGE anne BARONETAGE BARONETAGE. Suddenly he was struck by a strange sensation. It was as if he had just been stuck in a badly written and unclear sentence written by someone of inferior birth. He shrugged it off and got on with the story.

Lady Russell met him at the door and invited him in quite warmly. She informed him that Anne was the only member of the family around, so he could "b***** off". Mr. Elliot was rather taken aback but he remembered her title and instead he thought what a lovely woman, very direct and concise, the salt of the earth.

Lady Russell then said "I suppose you've come to propose to Anne. Well a word of warning, Charles Musgrove proposed to the poor girl and it traumatized her. If she hears the words 'marriage' or 'engagement' she sticks a bucket on her head and you have to lead her over to a basin, splash her hand about in the water, and sing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' until she comes out. I'd advise you to say you'd like a crumpet."

Mr. Elliot nodded, rather confused, because Lady Russell used words that had multiple syllables in them. He walked into the parlour and saw Anne sitting on a sofa reading Udolpho and laughing hysterically. They greeted one and other civilly, and Mr. Elliot decided to get down to business. Then he remembered that was a different story so he had to propose instead.

"Miss Anne, Cousin Anne," he began, "I think I should very much like a CRUMPET."

"Well, you'll have to wait until tea time. You'll spoil your appetite if you eat it now."

"No, I want a CRUMPET. You know, like with rings and music and things."

"A Tolkein story? I think I've got a few around somewhere."

"No, you know dum dum de dum, white lace, cake. 'til death do us part."

"You mean a wedding?"

"Yes."

"Well why didn't you just say I want to marry you. This crumpet nonsense is quite confusing."

"Lady Russell said that if I said marriage to you, you'd put a bucket on your head."

Anne quietly put a bucket on her head.

Mr. Elliot called for Lady Russell's help.

"You stupid sot, I warned you not to say it."

"Yes but..."

"Oh, shut up. Now I'm taking her to the basin and when she comes out I don't want any more of this nonsense."

Distant strains of a rather bad rendition of Twinkle Twinkle assailed Mr. Elliots ears. After a few minutes Anne walked out again, looking a bit moist.

"Hello," she said, "where were we before that came up?"

"You were going to give me an answer."

"An answer? What was the question?"

"Will you share a CRUMPET with me?"

"Eat it yourself, but you're not getting one until tea time."

"No, I thought we'd established that when I say crumpet I mean an engagement. Oh D***!"

Anne quietly put a bucket on her head again, and Mr. Elliot called for Lady Russell. Lady Russell bustled Anne off, with a few choice words to Mr. Elliot on the side. There were splashing noises and off tune singing, and Anne emerged once again.

"Hello, Mr. Elliot," she said.

Mr. Elliot reached over and took her bucket. "Now," he said, "will you marry me?"

Anne pulled another bucket out from behind the sofa and stuck it on her head. Lady Russell lead Anne off, and brought Anne back. Anne still had the bucket on her head.

"Here," said Lady Russell, "now you can ask her without her sticking a bucket on her head."

"Will you marry me?" asked a rather annoyed Mr. Elliot.

A muffled affirmative came from the still bucket-headed Anne. Mr. Elliot stuck a ring on her finger, and Anne took off her bucket. Mr. Elliot was surprised that Anne looked exactly like Mrs. Clay. Lady Russell assured Mr. Elliot that Anne had just gotten a haircut, and that it would changed Anne's appearance a good deal. So Mr. Elliot married a Mrs. Clayish Anne and felt very clever when Anne's family tried to tell him that he had married Mrs. Clay.