Posted on Thursday, 26-Nov-98

Mr. Darcy seemed slightly agitated. He walked back and forth and back and forth until Elizabeth became a little afraid for the Collins's rug. He tried to make small talk and failed more miserably than usual.

"Are you feeling all right?" Elizabeth finally asked.

"Yes. No. Oh d*mn it! I love you!"

"Um."

"I don't like it. I don't want it. It just happened. I know it's stupid, we come from totally different social classes. You're all wrong for me. But I'm past caring. So I have no idea what I'm trying to say. Um...marry me?"

"What??? Is this a joke?"

"No."

"Well then, in such a case as this, I believe, the established mode is to express a sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed... Did I just say that?"

"Yes."

"Wait a sec will you. I think I know what's going on."

"I thought it was a marriage proposal."

"Aha, here it is. By any chance Mr. Darcy, did some Wickham fellow try to run off with your sister?"

"Yes."

"Someone's playing silly b*gg*rs with us."

"What?"

"Take a look at this."

Elizabeth passed him a pamphlet. The cover read THE ELIZABETH BENNET SUPPORT GROUP: helping each other cope with the trauma of fan fiction. Intrigued, he opened the pamphlet up, and began reading:

Signs of Austen Heroism:

• Large wit

• The second of five daughters

• Angelic older sister named Jane

• Three exceedingly stupid sisters

• A hysterical social climbing mother

• Darcy

• Tendency to say things like "In such cases as this, I believe, the established mode is to express a sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed."

If these describe you, you are probably a victim of random Pride and Prejudice fan fiction. We are trying to find ways to stop it. We use net lag and viruses, but they only help reduce this problem. The best course of action is to remain calm and contact us when Darcy proposes. We're working to free you from this endless plot repetition.

"So how come Elizabeths have their own support groups and Darcys don't?"

"Got me."