Posted on Tuesday, 01-Dec-98
Author's Note: It's Ann's birthday so here is a story dedicated to the lady. This isn't her fault, so if you need to shoot someone aim for me. I'm the short dark hair woman in the East.
"I don't want to die." Edward whispered as he looked over the roof. The bloody buildings nowadays are so much taller than those he was used to!
"Have no fear Edward, it's very simple." Soothed Knightley as he rechecked his bungee rope and the harness; have to check the harness or he'd be flatter than that idiot in Samson's Gorge somewhere in the Penal Colony.
Wentworth threw another one of his angry sidelong glances as the quacking youth. Why did Bingley invite this doddering fool? At least Tilney could deal with the height while this gentleman looked positively green.
"Besides it is impossible for us to go through the front entrance. The door can only be opened from the inside AND if you care to remember we are supposed to be a surprise!" Hissed Darcy with very little patience.
"But Tilney here is an able fellow. I am sure he could...compromise the locks and let us in through the front door!" Added Brandon who still did not know why he was to go first. Just because he was a military man, they believed he could do all the physical contortions necessary to accomplish their mission.
"Excuse me, you must mean my brother Captain Tilney. I am a gentleman and I do not know how to, as you say, 'compromise' locks." Henry's voice was icy enough to chill Cameron Diaz, so everyone immediately silenced himself.
After fifteen minutes Brandon was surreptitiously scaling down the side of the building until he reached the appropriate floor. He peeked in, gadgets, implements of unknown origin...and yes a birthday cake! Had to be Mademoiselle Ann's apartment. He took the dagger from his sleeve and began to jam the window open. Suddenly a rush of air on his right captured his attention. It was Bingley; the fool leaned over too far and was now currently proving to the world that gravity's velocity was indeed 9.8m/s*2. Right above the first floor he came to a screaming halt. It took both Willoughby and Wentworth to grab the quickly disappearing rope and haul Bingley's friendly derriere back to safety. Why is Willoughby here? Ask Ann.
Brandon and Bingley both climbed into the apartment. "Hello! I say is anyone in here?" Bingley cheerfully cried out. Brandon stared at him aghast. "Bingley! What are you doing? Have you gone mad? Secrecy is the utmost..."
"Oh pipe it Brandon. If Lady Ann is here, we are discovered, and if she is not, then nobody will answer us." The colonel mused over that and had to agree with the smiling gentleman. A loud crash made both whirl around. It was Darcy sprawled on the floor rather unceremoniously.
"Miscalculated the distance of the floor from the window. And I'm too tall for this kind of nonsense. Come! We must let the others in!" They opened the windows and one by one the rest of the merry bandits joined the three men. It was indeed a motley group that invited themselves into the hallowed rooms of Ann.
"I just thought of something." Edward said out loud. A rude snicker was heard from the rest.
"No, seriously, how is Wentworth going to come down? Since he's the only one left up there?"
The men paused. They looked at each other. Then one by one they moaned into their hands. Suddenly a knock on the windowpane attracted the men. It was Wentworth and he was lowering himself to the apartment!
"Trust the Royal Navy they say! And I must agree!" Knightley announced with undisguised admiration. The dark sailor climbed into the apartment with agility and smiled in amusement at the men's astonishment.
"I don't know whether I should be worried or frightened of the Navy." Henry mused out loud.
"Neither dear fellow! Come, let us do our duty!" Wentworth prodded and the men gathered around what is called a computer.
"Now, M says the on button should be a prominent protrusion in front of an object that looks like a box made of plastic." Knightley whispered looking at the twenty some odd pages of directions.
"What is plastic?" Asked Willoughby in confusion.
"And who is M?" Added Frank Churchill. Why is Churchill here? Ask Ann.
"I don't know but M is supposedly a key figure in the espionage quarters of the Parliament. Thus his name is just...M. You know hush hush and otherwise." Informed Knightley.
"Ooohhhh" Sighed the men, none of them had a clue what he was talking about, but they decided to look knowing anyway.
"I think I found the button." Edward said with some excitement. He did indeed push a small protrusion but all it did was pop out some bizarre looking...pie pan from the computer. The men all stared at it utterly confused. "Do we have to feed it?" Asked Bingley with trepidation.
"Maybe it is this one." Uttered Henry and there was suddenly great clamor. Actually it sounded like Rush Limbaugh through a breadbox and the men were petrified at the noise. Then without warning the small but very thick mirror on the desk became bright with lights.
"Ooohhhh" This communal sighing was even louder than the last.
Blink, blink, furious rush of words that none could catch. "What are we going to do?" Asked Darcy with some panic in his voice. "M said we must insert this disk into a slot of similar size. And then it will function independently and we are done." Knightley stated paraphrasing the directions. "That's not a disc, that's a square thing." Wentworth noted with some distrust.
"I know but that is what the directions say!" Knightley retorted with some edge.
This word blinked on the screen.
"Password? What password?" Asked Bingley with undisguised worry.
Knightley flipped through the pages, he studied these papers with great concentration for fortnight and he knew there was nothing written about passwords! The rest noted his frantic movements and felt despair seep into their midst. "I'm going to get a drink. I think I'll need it." Uttered Churchill as he trotted off to the kitchen to get a glass of whiskey.
"Do not abandon all hope yet! Come, we must be able to do this." Brandon rallied as he bravely pulled up a chair in order to study the mysterious mirror. "Password. Why it must be a simple one. Anyone care to guess?" He asked with unbending optimism.
"Tea?" Offered Edward.
Knightley stared at the small board that had the English alphabet imprinted on top and slowly with great care typed out "T-E-A".
blinked ruining any moment of happiness amongst the men. Churchill came back and took another seat close to the computer setting his drink down.
"Has to be something she sees everyday. Perhaps her birthday?" He wondered with some admirable logic.
"What are you doing here?" The voice gave everyone tremendous fright as the men whirled around to face the unknown foe. It was a young man in total state of undress and who held bed sheet around himself for some decency. He had dark hair and looked like he had just woken!
"I ask again what are you doing here?" He repeated and withdrew a beast of a sword from behind him.
"I might ask the same of you sir. We know no one is supposed to be in here." Whipped Darcy back with great show of force.
"Oh that's true. But I asked the question first and I have this sword. So proud lord again who the hell are you? And what is your business?"
"We are here to ummm...what is the word? Yes, 'install' a birthday present for Lady Ann in her computer. After that we are to throw a celebration of sorts. And you are..." Knightley inquired with his usual politeness.
"I AM her birthday present." Quipped the fellow. He was rewarded with furious blushes from the rest. "My name is Methos, and I just flew in from Paris. I am to surprise her when she gets back from shopping. How did you get in here?"
"We came through the windows from the roof and you?" Inquired Wentworth with curiosity.
"I just buzzed downstairs and told the lady that I was delivering a package for someone else. She let me in without much fuss." Methos replied grinning broadly. "You mean you dangled from the roof to get in here? Oh man, I would have paid to see that!"
"I certainly will not continue any conversation with this…this…tramp!" Hissed Darcy as he stared at the tousled-hair youth. The 'tramp' just stood there grinning through his sleepy eyes then turned to make his way back to the bedroom. But before he left the shocked men he threw them a bit of advice. "Um, well if you gents are determined to go through with this I wish you the best of luck. And when or if you ever finish just let yourself out through the door. A friendly word before I leave; take the whiskey glass out of the CD drive. It's a fragile thing."
Happy Birthday Lady Ann.With love and admiration,
Jimmy