Posted on Sunday, 19 December 1999

And then Mr. Darcy got engaged to Elizabeth Bennet, Fanny and Edmund got hitched, and Anne and Frederick got married. There was a whole big crowd around the end at first. And then, when the narration stopped, all the other characters just looked around at each other. And they shuffled their feet. And after a minute or they felt really awkward, and so they wandered off.

Except for three characters. They just stood there looking at the big sign that said "The End". Finally, Mrs. Bennet said, "Um... what do we do now?"

"I'm a baronet I am," said the man, who was sure that this fact had mattered a lot, only a moment ago.

"Really? What's that then?" asked Mrs. Bennet.

"I... I knew a moment ago," said Sir Walter.

"Do you have any property?" asked Mrs. Norris, the one with the bony face.

"No, actually, I just got out of debt."

"Well, it don't mean nuttin then."

"Say, sista, didn't we used to toik all proper liok?" said Mrs. Bennet, in a new found New York accent.

"Oh, a wise guy, ay," said Mrs. Norris, and she poked the other woman in the eyes.

"Leave her alone," said Sir Walter.

"You keep out a this," said Mrs. Norris as she shoved her fingers in Sir Walter's eyes.

Sir Walter and Mrs. Bennet made two fists and they said "Hit this".

Mrs. Norris hit both fists, and recieved two blows on the head.

"Hey, that's pretty good, you two." Mrs. Norris said, "whadda they call ya?"

"I'm Wally Elliot," said Sir Walter.

"And I'm Mrs. Bennet," said Mrs. Bennet.

"What's ya foist name?" asked Mrs. Norris.

"Haven't got one," said Mrs. Bennet. "The oither nevah boithered to make one up."

"Come to think of it, I hadn't got one neither." said Mrs. Norris, "I knows what we'll do, we'll make up nick names for ourselves."

"Nicknames, we ain't got real names. What we want wid nicknames?" asked Mrs. Bennet.

"Whadda ya mean, we gotta have real names to get nick names?" said Mrs. Norris, hitting Mrs. Bennet on the head. "Theys pleanty a guys that got nicknames what don't have nuttin to do with their real names."

"Yeah, we'll call you Schmo," said Wally.

"Schmo, why I audda... Wait a minute... Schmo... I like it."

"It suits ya, Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk." said Mrs. Bennet.

"What you laughin at Curly," said Schmo as she grabbed at Mrs. Bennets hair. Mrs. Norris yanked the curled mass, and to her great surprise, it came off.

"Ere ya bald as a cassaba melon," said Schmo.

"A cassaba melon, that's good," laughed Wally.

"Shuddup," said Schmo, slapping Wally in the face.

"Oi'm not boild, Oi'm just fallicly challenged." Said Mrs. Bennet.

"Well, come on Curly, we ain't got nuttin' to do here. Let's go find us some other joint ta wreck." said Schmo.

"Woop Wo Wo Wo Wooop." said Curly, flapping her head up and down on her bald scalp.

And so it began. The three stupids would travel everywhere together, made inseperable by there love of physical violence, their inability to speak proper English, and the fact that no one else could stand to be around them. They would come to be feared throughout fiction, and grown men in very fetching red coats would quake at the mention of Wally, Curly, and Schmo.