Posted on Friday, 21 January 2000

I'm not quite sure how I came up with this idea. I was trying to think of an activity that I just could not see JA characters getting involved in. Then it was a matter of picking the two candidates least likely to do it. So, this story should be read with a willing suspension of disbelief, because I can't see these ladies doing this sort of thing. If they did, they'd wind up in jail!

To say that Fitzwilliam Darcy was annoyed would be an understatement. He'd progressed well beyond annoyed in the 45 minutes that had elapsed since the phone had rung yet again in the middle of the night. "This has got to stop!" he mumbled, as he pulled the car to a halt in front of his cousin Mike Fitzwilliam's apartment building. These middle of the night phone calls had become a regular occurrence over the last three months. This was what? The eighth call asking that he come down to the police station and collect Anne? Or was it the ninth? It had happened so often that he'd lost track.

Darcy stifled a yawn as the passenger door opened and a bleary eyed Mike slid into the car. As Darcy put the car in gear and pulled away from the curb, the two men talked about the change in their cousin that had occurred since she had been reunited with her old friend Anne Elliot. The Anne de Bourgh of only four months ago had been a quiet thing, but ever since Anne Elliot had come back to town, she'd been a terror, getting into fights in pubs, beating up sailors. How many sailors had the two young ladies roughed up the last time? Five? Or was it six?

Before Darcy could think about his cousin's sudden interest in brawling with sailors, they arrived at the station. They found a space near the door and were soon inside speaking with Sergeant Troy, the desk sergeant. The two cousins had made the sergeant's acquaintance on one of their previous trips to the station and he promised to get them on their way as soon as possible. Darcy and Mike sat down on a nearby bench and picked up a newspaper that some previous occupant had left behind.

Mike was asking Darcy for another section when the door opened. Both men looked up to see who it was and were not entirely surprised to see a familiar face. Charles Musgrove saw them as he scanned the room and nodded his greetings. When he had completed his business with Sergeant Troy, he made his way over to them and sat down on an adjacent bench. The three men were soon engaged in conversation, trying to determine what had brought on the unusual behavior in their female relatives. But just as important as the erratic behavior of their relatives was the strain these all too frequent trips to the police station were putting on the three men. Not only was it a strain on their marriages, but on their finances and their influence as well. It had taken a great deal of Darcy and Musgrove money and much of Mike Fitzwilliam's influence as a solicitor to keep the two women out of serious trouble.

While the three men had discussed the problem itself in great detail, they had not been able to come up with a solution. Just as they were about to begin broaching possible solutions, Musgrove whispered quite loudly "Oh my God! What is she doing here?" Darcy and Mike turned to see two women making their way towards Sergeant Troy. Both were quite attractive, despite the fact that their clothes had obviously been hurriedly thrown on. One was in the early years of middle age. The other was younger and bore a striking resemblance to Charles Musgrove. Darcy and Mike turned to Charles, but he must have anticipated their question, because he answered it before they even asked it. "It's my sister Louisa and a friend of hers. I wonder who or what they are here for?" Although he did not voice the thought, Musgrove was frantically praying, Don't let them see me! Unfortunately for him, his prayers were not answered because Louisa saw him as soon as she turned away from Troy's desk.

The two women made their way over to the benches where the three men were sitting. Charles made the necessary introductions, but just as Louisa and her friend Sophy began to inquire as to what he was doing there, the group was distracted as two prisoners were escorted into the room. Anne de Bourgh and James Benwick were not badly hurt, but they colored with embarrassment at the sight of their relatives.

Darcy and Mike quickly pulled their cousin Anne aside and Darcy snapped, "What the devil happened this time?" Anne began to tell her story, reminding her cousins that she really did not want to go out drinking with Anne Elliot so often, but that she feared that if Ms. Elliot went out alone, some sort of harm would come to her. Her cousins grimaced, but understood. Both men had performed a similar task when the other had been in the depths of broken-hearted despair.

Anne de Bourgh had told the story of what happened so many times, she wondered why her cousins did not have it memorized. She and Anne Elliot would go out and find a pub. Anne Elliot would become increasingly belligerent the more she drank, while Anne de Bourgh was quite willing to nurse the same pint of cider all evening. By about the third gin and tonic, Anne Elliot would be mumbling about someone named Frederick and how she hated all sailors. She would then look around the bar and see if there were any seamen in the room. If there were, she would tell Anne de Bourgh that she wanted to go over and talk with the sailors. After quickly downing another drink Anne Elliot would wander over to the sailors and introduce one to her fist.

Now both Anne de Bourgh and Anne Elliot were small women, but Anne Elliot had rather foolishly been given some martial arts lessons by Lady Russell. As long as there were only one or two sailors in the group, she was capable of taking them all on. Unfortunately, she'd chosen much larger groups lately and Anne de Bourgh had been forced to come to her friend's aid. They'd been lucky the last time. The six sailors had been pretty drunk before Anne Elliot had even seen them. This time, however they'd gotten into a fix. The two women had knocked out three of the five men in the group but had been pinned up against the wall by the others. The police had shown up just in time.

The three cousins did not notice the two constables that walked past them as they conversed. The constables continued on past the second group, which consisted of Sophy Croft, Charles Musgrove and James and Louisa Benwick. They were surprised at the similarity of the stories being told by the recently released prisoners. In fact, Constable Morse told his partner, Constable Alleyn, they were almost exactly alike except for the details. But the two constables soon forgot about the conversations they had overheard, and moved on to a much more enjoyable topic, the pool that was collecting bets on whether Sergeant Wimsey would get married before Inspector Holmes.

Just as Anne de Bourgh and James Benwick were finishing their stories to their respective groups, a third prisoner was escorted up to the room. Anne Elliot was a mess. Her hair was undone, her clothes rumpled and one sleeve was torn. A cigarette clung to her lower lip and the splints on her two broken fingers made it difficult to operate the lighter she had borrowed. Charles Musgrove saw her and began to make his way over to where she had stopped to try and light her cigarette.

Before he got to her, she heard something and turned to look at the tall dark haired prisoner who was being helped by two police officers. The lighter hit the floor with a clatter and the cigarette fell from her mouth. "Frederick?" she asked. The prisoner and the inspector supporting him on his right looked up. "Frederick!" she called and she hurried towards him.

When Anne had called out the second time, the three men making their way up the hallway stopped. The expression on the prisoner's face could only be described as astonished. The faces of Inspector Barnaby and Sergeant Dalziel bore similar looks. When she got to the prisoner, she flung her arms about him and embraced him as tightly as their semi-intoxicated situation allowed. "Anne?" he asked quietly.

Barnaby stood a few feet away and watched the couple. He turned to glance at the crowd of relatives and friends that had gathered in the hallway. Well, not everyone was there. Anne de Bourgh seemed to have taken a sudden interest in Sergeant Troy. Barnaby looked back at the couple and said, "So you two have been pining over each other all these weeks? I wish you'd kiss and make up! We need a quiet night around here and so do the pub owners! Not to mention all the sailors here in town."

Frederick and Anne stopped kissing long enough to look sheepish. They then went back to following the inspector's excellent suggestion.