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~ By Leareth

Posted on Sunday, 16 January 2000

Having a leather whip cracked centimeters away from your face was not very pleasant. Leareth wished that she could get out her lightsaber and decapitate Mama Cat like her temperamental computer. Unfortunately graphic violence was frowned upon by all Dwiggies and so Leareth restrained her homicidal tendencies.

The Sachertorte Bake-off had degenerated into a free-for-all. Skram had skrammed off with Lady Cat and Marks was nowhere to be seen. Everyone was beginning to look decidedly ill from all the rich food the Pudding Meisters Teg and Marks had created and the Jane Austen manuscripts were scattered to the winds.

"I have a bad feeling about this . . ." muttered Leareth, quoting from her favourite movie as she watched MariaV take a packet from the duffel bag.

"Yeah, so do I," replied someone from beside her.

Leareth looked to her right and into the smiling freckled face of Miss Vel'ithya, a newbie whom Leareth herself had introduced to the Dwiggies with the promise of fun, stories and excitement.

"Does this happen a lot?" asked Vel'ithya, nodding her head towards the fracas.

"Sometimes, but I've never seen it so bad as this," replied Leareth.

Suddenly, the all-to-familiar sound of 'PUD-DING!' was heard again. Leareth ducked under a table, dragging Vel'ithya with her as MariaV hurled yet another dreaded pudding bomb. Bits of profiteroles flew everywhere but mainly onto the not-so-loved Willoughby. Leareth expanded an AT field which protected her and Vel from the profiterole storm.

"Oh, this is terrible!" said a half-remembered voice in Leareth's ear.

Leareth and Vel turned around - Vel still in her green school uniform which was now looking less green and more covered with various food stains. "What?!" exclaimed Leareth. "I don't believe this! How on earth did you get here, Mr. Toddles?"

The reluctant protagonist of the crazy Toddles saga moaned pitifully. "I do not know! I had no future after you crazy Dwiggies ended my story! I toddled around and around and around and around until I somehow ended up here! I don't even know what here is! It looks like Bedlam!"

"Excuse me, Mr. Toddles!" pouted Vel indignantly. Of course, all Dwiggies were most protective of the 'club', even more so since the DWG had been honoured with a mention in the New York Times. "It won't do for you to be saying that we're a loony bin, especially when we are now a public figure!" yelled Vel.

"Now now Vel, shut up!" said Leareth. She popped her head out from under the table. "EVA!!!" yelled Leareth. "Look who I've found!"

The elder Perthite Dwiggie somehow heard the yell over the engine roar, and came running over to the table.

"That's smart," remarked Eva as she crawled under the table. "It's getting like a war-zone out there, though Ann is trying her best to keep order. What have you - oh my goodness! Mr. Toddles!"

"What's this?" came another voice from outside the table. A second later Bodecia looked in. "Oh!" she exclaimed.

"What? What? What's everyone looking at?" JenR crawled under the now crowded table. "Oh, it's Toddles," said JenR, getting up. "I thought it was a troll."

"If it was a troll, I'd kill it with my lightsaber," said Leareth, hefting the lightsaber for emphasis.

"Just like your computer," remarked Vel.

"Ah well, I want to get back to the Bake-off! We've lost Marks and Teg!" said JenR.

"Oh no . . ." moaned Eva.

"Hey, what are you going to do with me?!" screeched Toddles. "You've ruined my life! You took away my dearest Caroline!"

The group of Dwiggies visibly cringed at the thought of 'dearest Caroline'.

"We gave you a life," said Leareth.

"You did?" asked Vel.

The veteran Dwiggies turned to Vel'ithya. "It was before you came," said Eva, sitting down like a teacher about to tell a story. "You see, once upon a time, the craziest Dwiggies came together and decided to write the craziest story of all time."

"I think we succeeded admirably," added Bodecia.

"Marks and Teg were also in it," continued Eva, "and we created Mr. Toddles here. The story had no plot and no direction - just a round-the-robin fic for the hell of it. Then we got tired of it and Leareth finished it up."

"But you left me floating around with no meaning in my life!" wailed Toddles.

"We don't know the meaning of life, so why are you complaining?" asked Leareth in her usual cynical way.

"But you can't just leave him like this!" exclaimed Vel'ithya. "It's mean!"

"You know I'm a mean person, Vel," said Leareth, glancing at Vel's sketch pad. "It looks like a duck," she commented meanly.

"It's supposed to be a penguin!"

Eva came to look. "Drinking beer?"

Suddenly Leareth's eyes flashed in that way that told people that she had another crazy idea. "Why don't we give Toddles another chance at life?"

The Dwiggies huddled under the table looked at her. "Huh?"

Leareth grinned mischievously. "Let's write another Toddles story!"

The Toddles authors looked at each other. Vel looked out of place. Toddles looked around the group, a maniacal hope beginning to appear in his eyes.

"But we don't have Marks and Teg," said Bodecia.

"We can start without them - Marks was last in the order anyway. They can jump in whenever they want!" said JenR, catching onto the idea.

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!" begged Toddles. Suddenly the toad-like man began to flicker.

"What's happening?" asked Vel, moving instinctively away.

"I flicker a lot," admitted Toddles. "It's because I don't have a life. And each time it happens, it gets worse!"

As if to punctuate his message, his arm disappeared.

"ACK!" yelped JenR, grabbing onto Eva.

"Poor character, we have to do something!" said Vel. "We have to give him a life!"

"Fine!" snapped Leareth, snatching Vel'ithya's pencil and sketch pad.

"What are you doing?" yelled the other Dwiggies under the table as Leareth began to scribble.

"Writing another Toddles story!"

A light flashed and a whirlwind appeared and swept the entire group and the table off into the great beyond.

They woke up, sore and exhausted in a garden. A very large garden, and well-decorated in good taste. The group stood slowly, Toddles looking very out of place among the five ladies.

"Ugh, where are we, Leareth?" asked Eva, staring at their surroundings.

"Why are we here?" asked JenR. "I thought we were continuing Toddles's story!"

"I am," admitted Leareth. "But since we were all in the story at some point, then we're all here too."

"But what about me?" wailed Vel'ithya.

Leareth grinned evilly. "I think you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. But don't worry, since you're as crazy as us, you can become a Toddles author too!"

"Crazy? ME?! Look who's talking!" yelled Vel hotly.

"You are just like me, Vel!" shouted Leareth. "You and I both like Star Wars, Japanese Anime, Jane Austen, writing stories, music - need I go on? Come on, join us!"

Toddles turned a full three-sixty and scratched his head.

"But where are we?" he asked.

Leareth's evil grin got bigger. But before she could say anything, they heard footsteps on the path.

"Hide!" ordered Bodecia, and the entire group ducked behind a hedge, leaving the table in the middle of the path.

"Wait, not you!" hissed Leareth, seeing Toddles had joined them. "This is your story! Get out there!"

And the pixie-like girl pushed Toddles out back into the path - and into the lady who was on the path.

The Dwiggies sat down, and watched.

"Now what?" asked Eva.

Leareth began to scribble again.

Toddles crashed into the lady on the path, knocking her over and out.

"Oh dear me! I am terribly sorry my dear - "

Any words he had left to say were cut off as he looked down on the face of the loveliest lady he had ever seen.

The young lady was tall and as beautiful as a Botticelli angel. She was dressed in a dress of the finest muslin. Her golden hair cascaded down like waves of gold, having come out of their bindings and playfully framed a heart-breaking face.

Toddles's heart was broken. He forgot all about Caroline Bingley and fell in love again.

Unfortunately his lecher tendencies had not been left behind and he immediately moved his hand to the hem of the lady's dress.

This action was immediately halted as the table crashed into him, moving on it's own accord.

Toddles was knocked out.

"Hey, what you do that for?" asked JenR.

"We can't have him going *that* to her!" replied Leareth.

"What story are we in??" asked Eva.

*scribble scribble scribble*

Toddles was only knocked out for a few moments. He stared at the angel lying before him, and decided to take advantage of her situation to kiss her.

Toddles bent over . . . sloooooooooowly . . . cloooooooooser . . . neeeeeeeeeeeeeeearly there . . .

THWACK!!!

Toddles toppled backwards and rubbed his aching skull.

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

He looked up and squinted at the gentleman standing above him.

"Who are you, and what do you think you are doing?" asked the young man, twirling his walking stick with which he had whacked Toddles.

"My name is Toddles, sir," said Toddles, trying to get up. Unfortunately this was prevented by having the stick shoved in his throat.

"What have you done to Emma, you toad!" shouted the young man.

"Emma? Who's Emma?" asked Toddles flustered.

The young man turned his attention from Toddles and ran over to the young lady sprawled on the path.

"Emma? Emma!" called the young man urgently. "Are you all right?"

Toddles's heart melted as Emma's eyes fluttered open.

"Mr. Knightley? Whatever am I doing on the ground?" asked Emma in a musical voice.

Toddles swooned. He fell over with a THUMP.

Mr. Knightley had his arms full for the next half hour, first carrying Emma in his arms back to the house, and then dragging Toddles in a most undignified manner the same way.

"Emma?" said JenR.

"Yup," replied Leareth.

"This ought to be interesting," mused Eva.

"But if all the Toddles characters are here in Emma land, then where's Teg and marks?" asked Bodecia.

The Hartfield cook was shocked into a coma when two Pudding Masters, armed to the teeth with pudding bombs suddenly dropped out of the ceiling on top of her.

Marks and Teg rubbed their heads painfully and looked at the luxurious kitchen.

"Where are we?"

Toddles and the Strawberry Patch ~ By Bodecia

Posted on Saturday, 22 January 2000

Toddles had been in Highbury for nearly a fortnight. In that time he had made quite a nuisance of himself, following Emma around panting after her. One fine morning he headed out in search of his new amore, when he noticed a party of carriages headed toward Mr. Knightley's estate at Donwell. No longer looking like an Adonis, Toddles was shunned by the society of Highbury. (Well that was his explanation for his exclusion in their outing.) Deciding to join the group uninvited, he jumped on to the back of the nearest buggy, making sure not to be seen. The ride was not the most comfortable one, indeed Toddles found himself bounced about until he was black and blue. "I'll follow my Emmy no matter what the discomfort," he thought smugly.

Reaching the grounds of Donwell, Toddles fell from the buggy landing in a briar patch, then rolling into a small brook. Scratched and dripping, Toddles limped along hiding as he followed the carriage's progress down the lane. By now Toddles was feeling pangs of hunger. Spying a strawberry patch just ahead, he drooled over the luscious berries. "Umm strawberries," he said smacking his lips. Of all fruits, Toddles loved strawberries the best. Moving toward the patch, which by now was crowded with the berry picking party he had followed, he moved low to the ground so as not to be detected.

Crawling among the brambles of the berry patch, Toddles began plucking berries and popping them into his mouth greedily. Lying low on the ground, he settled himself amongst the plants the better to get at the fruit. The particular patch he had stationed himself in was not the best tended of the patch, for weeds and briars crowded the plants and made it difficult to reach the best fruit. Not paying attention to the weeds he lay in, Toddles rolled around to get at berries dangling above him, as his shirt pulled up exposing the skin on his back to the weeds.

While Toddles was thus employed, the rest of the group had spread out amongst the plants gathering fruit as they enjoyed the day. Mrs. Elton had dressed with much care on this day in a summer dress decorated with embroidered berries on it. Many in the group had commented on her dress and the lovely embroidered berries. Indeed it was thought of as a very appropriate dress for the occasion, in that the berries looked so real. Mrs. Elton had moved from plant to plant plucking the luscious fruit leaning into the plants closely.

"Please do be careful Mrs. Elton that you don't tear your gown," Emma warned.

Mrs. Elton smiled smirkely replying, "No fear I am capable of picking fruit without warnings, Miss Woodhouse."

Emma then noticing Miss Fairfax moving toward the house left saying, "Very well, I only wished to express my concern for your lovely gown." Mrs. Elton smiled a very insincere smile and returned to her task of filling her basket, and her mouth with berries.

Toddles had nearly stuffed himself when glancing out the corner of his eye; he spotted one particularly beautiful berry through the brambles. Reaching out he grasped the berry noticing it's plumpness, he tried his best to pluck it.

Meanwhile on the opposite side of the bush, Mrs. Elton was leaning forward into the patch in an attempt to gather berries just out of her reach. "Mmmm," she groaned as she popped a luscious berry into her mouth as its juice flowed down upon her bosom.

Toddles had not been able to get a firm grasp on the berry, but he felt it's juices flow and pulling back his hand licked off the juice. Smacking his lips at the tastiness of the berry that was alluding him, Toddles became even more determined to have it for himself for it was the sweetest he had yet tasted.

Leaning further into the patch, Mrs. Elton felt something grab at her bosom. Looking around for Mr. E. she spotted him talking to Miss Bates, but Mr. Knightly was nowhere to be found. "Oh!" she thought blushing, "Mr. Knightly." "Ohhhh," she sighed as she felt the caress of a hand upon her bosom. Indecent thoughts drifted through her mind as she moved closer into the bush, "Yes, yes" she moaned. On hearing the voice on the other side of the bush, Toddles thought someone else had spotted the berry he was after. Greedily he pushed his arm closer in order to gain a better grasp. Taking a firm hold on his target he pulled firmly until he felt it pull free. "OH!" cried Mrs. Elton as her bodice ripped.

Hearing a cry of distress, Mr. Elton and Mr. Knightly ran to her aide. "Dearest," cried Mr. Elton as he advanced upon her location, with Mr. Knightly close on his heels, "are you injured?" Seeing the two gentlemen arriving from the same direction, Mrs. Elton promptly fainted. Toddles who had tumbled back rather hard, when the bodice ripped, lay scratched and bleeding clutching his prize, which to his dismay was not a berry at all but a torn piece of fabric with a lovely embroidered berry upon it.

Mr. Elton sat stunned looking at his wife's torn bodice, patting her hand. Mr. Knightly noticing movement in the patch moved towards the spot where undiscovered Toddles lay concealed. Reaching toward the brambles, Mr. Knightly was startled when a small woodland animal darted out of the brambles and across the fields. Sweat poured down Toddles brow as he lay prone in the bushes. By now a crowd had formed around the trio.

"Mrs. Elton," Emma said, "I told you to be careful, the poor little creature must have taken your false berry for a real one," stifling a giggle.

Gouging the Adversary ~ By Jen R

Posted on Monday, 31 January 2000

"Well, now what?" said Eva. "Bodecia didn't exactly leave off in the most suitable spot. Now we're stuck without an ending to a scene."

"No problem," grinned JenR. "I don't like where we are anyway, I think it's too late in the plot. I think we should have jumped right in the middle like we did in the first installment. So let's back up a bit!" She began scribbling madly in an elegant script.

"Hmm," said Bodecia, "I wouldn't have pegged you as a leftie."

"Hey, can we do that?" asked a confused Vel'ithya.

"Of course I can write with my left hand," fumed JenR, "this is the 21st Century (I think) after all."

"I meant changing the plot," replied Vel'ithya.

"Oh."

"We can do whatever we please," said Leareth. "Actually, we can do whatever we please with the plot, regardless of what we're writing, but doubly so in this story." Vel'ithya looked shocked. "Oh, no, we don't take those kinds of liberties," Leareth assured her, "we restrict ourselves to no more than a little hanky-pantry here and there."

"Get ready, girls!" called JenR. "We're going back in time, and even if it's fictional time, it'll be a bumpy ride!" The girls all made a mad dash for a copse of birch trees. The girls, all budding botanists (hardy har har), knew strawberry bushes do not make suitable anchor points. "Ready?" asked JenR. "Hold on!" Wrapping her arm around a tree, she awkwardly scribbled a few more words.

A flash of white engulfed the scene, then suddenly, the world was coloured with bright lights in a checked pattern.

"Oh no," wailed Leareth in a whirl of red and blue, "you accelerated to hyperactive mode, didn't you?"

"Just hold on," called JenR, "I know what I'm doing!"

The plaid pattern suddenly mapped itself onto a world of shapes. Vel'ithya saw a plaid bird take flight, and Eva noticed a winding plaid road. Leareth wailed in despair at her dress, an empire-waisted number in Black Watch Dress tartan. Bodecia pointed to the ground: the plaid surface rippled.

"Git mee oota heere!" cried Vel'ithya. "I didna ask to be drrragged into sooch a mad place!" She yelped as she heard her accent, and said, "Noo wha? Wha in tha world iz happenin?"

"I dinna ken!" said JenR, "bot I'll rrrrreckon the plaid has summat to do wi'it!"

As the world regained normal colour, the girls found themselves standing on a log spanning a stream.

As the log wobbled, JenR said, "Here's the plan. We all sit down, ain by ain. I mean, one by one. Then one at a time, we crawl off the log!" Carefully, they sat down. Eva was just about to crawl to the edge when Leareth motioned her to stop. "Nobody move," she whispered, "or we'll get caught." As the others heard the rattle of the carriage wheels which had alerted Leareth, they fell silent and still.

Emma came into sight driving a gig, driving down the road which had so recently born the MacDonald Hunting tartan. The stream most unfortunately seemed at odds with the restraints society had placed on it, and had invaded this same road. Upon seeing this, Emma reined in her horse, but to no avail. He dashed forward into the stream, and proceeded until a wheel caught and Emma could proceed no further. She looked over the edge of the gig in despair, knowing she would be unable to repair the damage. Then, as a dark blob approached underwater, she forgot her predicament in her curiosity.

"What is she looking at?" whispered Eva urgently. "She's looking on the opposite side! I can't see!"

"None of us can!" hissed Vel'ithya. "Quit shoving!"

The dark blob grew as it approached her. "Odd," thought Emma," I don't remember a gully here. That thing is coming from very deep water. What can it be?"

The blob, by this time was discernibly human. The person reached the surface, swam towards a shallow bar, and stood up.

Emma gaped. The young man (for a young man it was) wore loose brown and tan robes, with the oddest footwear Emma had ever seen. His hair was clipped short in a peculiar manner, and the long tail of a narrow braid hung over one shoulder. He took a strange device from his mouth and hid it amongst his robes.

Emma continued to gape as he said, "Is your horse just washing his feet, or are the darker forces at work here?"*

"JenR, how could you?" hissed Leareth. "That was such a perfect line, and you didn't let me use it!"

"You're not the only Star Wars fan here. At least I wrote him in," smiled JenR. "It'll be a match made in heaven... his dimples, your skill with a light saber... Jane isn't good enough for him anyway."

"In that case," murmured Leareth dreamily, "you have my leave to continue."

The young man circled her carriage, wading with little difficulty, considering his long robes. Emma still gaped. "No, that won't do," chuckled the young man. "Why do I get the feeling I'm about to pick up another pathetic life form? I shall have to rescue you, Miss..."

"Miss Woodhouse," squeaked Emma.

"The famous Miss Woodhouse? Why, then, not so pathetic after all! I've heard much of you. I am Mr. Weston's son, Frank Obi-Wan Churchill."

"Ah!" said Emma faintly. Clearing her throat, she continued, "and the London fashions have changed a great deal, it seems from your attire!"

"What, these?" laughed Mr. Churchill. "My traveling clothes... more suitable for underwater voyages than a greatcoat. Shall we chatter out here forever, do you think, or may I escort you to drier circumstances?"

Emma's gracious smile turned to a shocked stare as Mr. Churchill took a device from his belt, activated a strange beam constructed of light, and proceeded to cut through the horse's rigging as though it were soft cheese. He mounted the horse with a leap that seemed almost too fast, and picked Emma from her gig, settling her behind him.

"I don't suppose you have ridden bareback, so if you will keep still and allow me to get us ashore..." and with that, they were off, the confused horse more than glad to be moving again.

"I wish that were me," sighed Leareth.

"You and me both, sister," mumbled JenR. "Now let's get off this log before we need to be rescued as well." One by one, the girls eased off the log. Leareth stubbornly refused to move.

"Come on, Leareth!" said Eva, "I want to see what happens next! And Toddles is strangely absent. That can bode no good!"

"I'm not budging," said Leareth. "If I play my cards right, I could get rescued by Liam Neeson!"

"Suit yourself," said Eva. "Let's go."

Teg and Marks looked at each other.

"What are we doing here? We didn't ask to be brought here. And where's my apron?" said Teg.

"Maybe MariaV still has it. Besides, I don't think you're going to need it here," said Marks. "Don't you know where we are?"

Teg glanced at the recipe book. It was open to a gruel recipe. "I would say Hartfield," she mused.

"Hmmm. No villains in this story. The worst we'll get here are some vaguely annoying gentlemen, and a very bored matchmaker."

"And a demanding master with a very unimaginative palate," grumbled Marks. "Come now, gruel? We'll never make pudding again until we get out of this mess!"

"Oh," smiled Teg innocently, "surely if he likes gruel and lightly boiled eggs, a little blancmange wouldn't do him any harm!"

"You are truly evil," said Marks admiringly.

A horse with one damp and unusual passenger, and one dry and confused passenger, approached Hartfield. A toady little man espied it and ran after it, huffing and puffing.

"You there! Ruffian!" cried a desperate Toddles. "Unhand my angel at once before I am forced to demand satisfaction!"

"Your angel, is she?" murmured Mr. Churchill, glancing at Emma. Her greenish tinge told him all he needed to know. "I am afraid I cannot allow that, Mr...."

"Toddles," he replied firmly. "Eustacius Toddles."

"Well, then, Mr. Toddles, said an unperturbed Mr. Churchill, "I will not relinquish the lady, since she does not appear to wish to be relinquished."

"How dare you, sir?" yelped Mr. Toddles. "I challenge you to a duel."

"Oh, very well," sighed Mr. Churchill, but I must warn you that you are wasting your time as well as mine." He leapt from his steed with the same strange grace.

Teg and Marks appeared at the door of Hartfield.

"Oh, no," said Teg, "I knew this wasn't about a Bakeoff. However did we end up here? And who brought Toddles back?"

"Let's not spread blame! Maybe he brought himself back," said Marks. "I take back what I said about villains. However, it may turn out well. Let's just sit back and watch this refugee from a bad sci-fi novel kick his butt."

"Mr. Toddles," said Mr. Churchill, "I wish you would seek something other than a violent resolution."

"Out of the question!" said Toddles, clumsily drawing his sword. "Have at you!"

"Were it not for the passiveness that comes with the Force," muttered Mr. Churchill, "I would greatly enjoy gouging this adversary." He drew the same rod of light he had used to cut the horse free and prepared to fight.

Meanwhile, Emma, who did not much like being discussed as though she were a sack of potatoes, grasped the reins of the horse, and spurred him on toward Donwell Abbey. Neither combatant noticed.

*actual line from the Gwyneth Paltrow Emma, starring Ewan MacGregor