Posted on Wednesday, 24 November 1999
After watching the musical Chicago the other night, I have had this song running through my head. Today I had the brainwave that I could turn it into a song about what we would all like to do- the murder of some of Jane's less appealing characters. I know I got a lot of the words wrong, and I hope no one minds a couple of the people I killed off.
Six nasty murderesses on death row are dancing around. Ladies and gentlemen... the Cell Block Tango!
FOP
SEX
GREASE
UH-OH
NEWCASTLE
SIXPENCE
a big bass drum BOOM
ALL-
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have been there
I bet that you would've done the same
Lucy Ferrars
You see, when I married my husband, I was glad that he took pride in his appearance, know what I'm saying? I thought it was great that he took the time to tie his cravat properly and trim his moustache nicely. But after a year of marriage, when on the morning of our baby's christening, I couldn't peel him away from the mirror, well something just... POPPED. Such a pity how his hand slipped while plucking his nose hair and he accidentally stabbed himself in the jugular...seven times!
ALL-
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you had seen it
I bet that you would've done the same
Sophia Willoughby
My husband was very anxious to marry me. He paid such attentions to me that season in London! I thought it was love, not just the money like it was with every other man in town. He swept me off my feet...such a handsome, respectful man! Imagine my surprise that, after our wedding, I discovered that he not only had a secret love child, but was still in love with that minx Marianne Dashwood! The night I found out I made him his bedtime cocoa as usual...I wonder how that arsenic got mixed up with the sugar?
ALL-
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have been there
I bet that you would've done the same
Charlotte Collins
My...late... husband had this very annoying habit of bowing and kissing up to anybody at all higher than he was. But that was nothing compared to his fondness for dripping hair oil and grease all over the place! I came home from Hunsford village one afternoon to find him sitting in the drawing room, applying his hair treatment. One more drop, I said, one more drop, and I'm warning you...So what do you think he did? He lathered another handful on! So I got out my gun and...well, the rest is history.
ALL-
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have been there
It was a murder, but not a crime.
Jane Churchill
The way Frank treated me during our engagement really should have pointed me in the direction of his true character. It was the biggest mistake of my life not to break it off. When I found myself married to a man who continued to flirt with every human in a dress, I tried to forget it, because I loved him. I heard him insinuate to other women that our marriage was a failure- and so it was, but not because of me. I honestly didn't mean to kill him. I don't remember doing it. But somebody must have left that heavy paperweight on top of that treacherous ledge.
ALL-
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you had heard it
I bet that you would've done the same
Lydia Wickham
My husband I were forced to travel to Newcastle with his job. He was a soldier, you know, and looked so well in his red coat! Well, one night he and I were drinking some wine in our chamber to celebrate a promotion he was going to get. Captain George Wickham...how well that would have sounded! I left the room to slip into something a little more comfortable...and on my return found him, kissing the parlour-maid...very intimately! Well, what would you have done? I suddenly blanked, and the next thing I knew I was washing blood off my hands and his sword.
ALL-
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you had seen it
It was a murder, but not a crime
Harriet Forster
I really did love my husband once, I believe. The day he cut off my pin money to a mere sixpence a month was the day I lost my temper. After all, a man who truly loved wouldn't deprive me of a new hat twice a week, would he? Of course not! I didn't mean to hurt him...but I couldn't help that fell over on his own sword?
ALL-
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had himself to blame
If you'd have been there
If you'd have been there
I bet that you would've doooooooooooooone the same