Jump to new as of February 19, 2000
Posted on Friday, 11 February 2000
John has a few words to say about the decision to write this story: "I declare I do not know a more awful object than Leia, on particular occasions, and in particular places; at her own house especially, and of a Friday evening when she has nothing to do."Well after that, I am not sure whether to be offended or laugh *clobbers John with keyboard*......... think of it, me being like Darcy (my younger brother sure has guts....I'll give him that!)....... it is all too funny. Anyway this was a short story that we got the idea for this afternoon, when I was complaining bitterly of having nothing to do. We thought that the idea was quite funny, but our due skill at writing (or lack there of) will probably render it either totally unreadable, or horrendously boring, anyway it was written with the best of intentions,
Leia
Chapter The One And Only..... Or That Is What We Intend!
- Charles Schultz
"Are you ready sir?"
"Yes" was the forthcoming answer, but it was not emitted until the end of a rather lengthy nervous pause.
With that the president, trying to look in control, tottered up the stairs to the podium.
"This is the President speaking. As you all know the year 2000 is approaching. In fact it was meant to happen in the 11th time zone 2 minutes ago. *lengthy pause* Unfortunately the second of the change-over we lost all contact with everything in the time zone. North and South. The satellites are showing what looks to be a wall of fire taking up the whole time zone. We have 15 hours. There is nothing at all to panic about. The military, under the command of Field Marshall G. Wickham are on a full alert, ready to deal with any crisis. I will update you when there is a change."
With that President Charles Bingley nearly fell down the stairs on his hurried exit from the podium. Mopping sweat from his brow, he picked up his mobile that had started to ring furiously. "What?"
"Charles, what on earth possessed you to put all our lives in HIS greasy mitt. I thought that you wanted to live to see tomorrow!"
"Darcy, what on earth are you going on about..."
"I have said it before and I will say it again, but chances are this WILL be the last. The army cannot protect us from this....and they most certainly would not be able to think of a solution. There is not enough brain cells amongst the whole army put together to make a brain dead child."
"But Darcy..."
"Yes I know what you are going to say.... I am to harsh on them.... but it is not true. What you need is to forget about your beloved army... They have gone steadily down hill since you left..."
"But..."
"No it will not be unpatriotic to get a capable person on the job."
"Well," said a resigned Bingley "I will get my men onto finding a team.... Fast! I am sure that I can count on you to be one of them, can't I?"
"You sure can! Because I really DO want to see tomorrow."
With that Darcy cut the connection. He was hoping that the team that Bingley's men put together would be some good, but he felt that most of the work would probably fall to himself. Being the leading physicist in the world at the moment. Well he guessed that he had better head for his Gulfstream V. He had to get to D.C. post haste.
Falling into the arms of the first lady, Charles moaned "Jane how do I get hold of your sister?"
"Which sister?"
"Liz..... who else could help me?"
"Well Lydia may be able to help too. She does not have the reputation that Liz has....... Her skill is... shall we say... less reputable."
"Well, what IS it?" Bingley was getting frustrated that everyone, even his beloved wife, seemed to be talking in circles.
"She is a computer programmer, otherwise known as a hacker. She is rather proud of herself, though, because she taught herself all that she knows!"
"Well I guess that she may be of help, but I am not sure how! Anyway how do I get hold of them?"
"Lydia, that is easy, go to yahoo chat, and try and find someone looking for a hot night. Chances are that will be her. Now for Liz, that is much more difficult. I could give you her home number and her office number and her lab number and her mobile number, but chances are she is neither at her lab, nor her office, nor her home, and her mobile is invariably switched off..... saves power so she says! I could give you her email, but chances are she wont check it within the next decade, I could give you her street address but chances are the debt collectors are outside trying to get her to make her pay her bills. You could send her a letter, which she would never read.... but of course that would be too late anyway. For the second plan, I would publicize some disaster.... she is inquisitive by nature..."
"What could be worse than what we already have......"
"THAT! is it.............. where is the next time zone to go?....12? That would make her in Australia won't it?...... She will be there, that is for certain!! That means that the only way to get her will be to call the payphone outside the Sydney Opera House."
"?W??H??A??T??, That seems rather bizarre, but you ARE her sister aren't you, so I guess that you must know. I will get onto it. Firstly I will get my secretary to get hold of everyone else for the team, and make sure that they are in D.C."
*phone rings*
"Hello"
"Liz, is that you?"
"Yes, is that you Charles? Nice to hear from you. How is Jane.... Tell her that I will be back to visit her sometime......Probably at about 11pm, that will give me an hour with her...."
"LIZ!!!! That is what I was calling up about. We NEED you here and really soon. I need you on a military plane and heading the long way within 10 min. You are to have a constant phone/internet conference connection, but that will be set up for you. The state will pay for the power, so you don't have to conserve it......There will be two Australian army officers coming to get you in 5 minutes. I suggest that you are waiting for them."
"But Charles, don't you realise that I am here for a reason. I want to see this phenomenon. I only will have this one chance, so if I miss it then I will be really disappointed. Did Jane neglect to tell you that I was particularly inquisitive?"
"NO, but that has nothing to do with it.... America's future lies in your hands, and those of the other team members, you only have 14 and a half hours in which to find a way to stop this..."
"Well then, I am sure that you could have let me have another half hour, that is all that I would need in Sydney, then I would be on to the next destination, South Australia would be my next port I think....."
"NO LIZ!!! YOU ARE COMING HOME!!!! IN 5 MINUTES!! AND THAT IS FINAL, do you understand?"
"Yes, I will be ready. Although I guess that you could never try me if I didn't come? could you!" was Elizabeth's saucy reply.
"We would find some way Liz..... Don't even think about it!"
With that all Charles was left with was a dial tone in his ear. That and fear in his heart. He was worried that Liz would not come. There was sometimes a very stubborn stripe in Liz and that seemed to be obvious at the moment. But he knew that if she did leave as asked then she would be dedicated to their cause. She was very patriotic in her own way. Just a little eccentric that was all.
Darcy was the first to their lab. He wasn't sure where to start. So he started with the list of names of the other people in the team.
With that, because there was still no one else there, he decided to call Bingley and take it up with him, maybe it wasn't too late to get it changed yet. Noticing the conference phone and computer he wondered if that wasn't for Bingley to see how things were going, so he made sure that they were on, then he got out his mobile and called Bingley.
Elizabeth was starting to feel differently about this assignment. Firstly if they managed to save America then she would be famous. Even more so than she was in the right circles now, and if they didn't manage, then at least she would be able to see what was happening once, and that after all was the same number of times as everyone else.
She guessed that she had better get on the conference machine, to make sure that the group was getting together, seeing as she didn't know who was in charge, or even anyone in the group at all. Charles had been not particularly forthcoming. She listened in on the phone while the computer was booting. Then hearing what sounded like Dr. Darcy's voice, she was interested. Not only was Dr. Darcy a well known physicist, he was also a friend of Charles', he was also rich. These were all major problems, firstly, he was a physicist and she was an engineer. That was the worst start possible. Well maybe if she had been a Chemist it would have been worse but even that was touch and go. Secondly, he was opposed to Jane marrying Charles. She didn't come from a wealthy enough family was the major reason that he said at the wedding. That was 5 years ago now, and she hadn't seen him since. He was never officially introduced then either, and she didn't think that he knew who she was, standing at the back in jeans. It had not been her fault that she wasn't dressed up. She had been out on a research trip and only just got back. No one had bothered to inform her that her sister was getting married........ not even her sister.
Then what she heard over the phone made her stop reminiscing and start paying attention....
"Charles are you out of your mind? What on earth were you thinking when you included Bennet in the team........No I will not.... I don't want my team laden down with incompetent people. Bennet will only get in the way.......... what do you mean? That can't be... Just listen, Bennet belongs in the army with the other half wit's who are there............. Bennet is more likely to blow us up faster, rather than help save our skins. Not that there are any other qualified people on the team apart from Rick........ Well it seems as though nothing can be done...........Well I will just have to make do with what I have and ignore them as much as possible..........yes bye!"
Elizabeth was fuming. What right had that guy anyway...... He was soooooooo stuck up. To say that he would be ignoring the rest of them as much as possible..... Totally insufferable.
"Anyone there?" Elizabeth jerked up as the telephone came live.
"Charlotte?"
"Yes, who is that?"
"Liz. How's life for you?"
"Living, you in on this too.....where are you Liz?"
"Somewhere between Sydney and D.C."
"Just a sec, Dr. Darcy here seems in some bewilderment as to who is actually on the other end, is your video on?"
"Yes, I just got logged on"
With that there was a flicker on the screen in front of her, and then she saw the inside of a lab, it seemed very well decked out which was good. Then she saw two people, with a third coming through the door. The two in the room were Charlotte, and Dr. Darcy. Charlotte looked much the same, but Dr. Darcy seemed to have got more handsome, if that was at all possible.... Too bad his attitude hadn't changed, if it had, then maybe it was worse. Darcy, seeing a strange woman on the screen frowned. There was only one female in the team who he didn't know, so he said with a question "Miss Lydia Bennet?"
"Nahh, 'at's me"
With that, everyone's attention was drawn to the voice coming in the door. With bright pink hair and a sequined red miniskirt, she was not what one would call fashionable, and Darcy nearly lost his breakfast.
Elizabeth, was not so shocked, this was the good old Lydia that she knew....... Too bad she had to be part of the team too. Trying to save their whole family from embarrassment, which was inevitable if Lydia had any more attention. As Dr. Darcy obviously didn't know who she was, she thought that it was time to introduce herself.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Elizabeth Bennet. Resident incompetent and explosive expert."
Darcy was the only one in the room who knew what she meant, and at least he had the good grace to blush. He now knew where she was from and what she was. Too bad she wasn't a physicist because she was particularly pretty. She was an engineer, but maybe he could put that out of his mind for a bit. She had made quite a name for herself, but it was also said that she was quite eccentric. She certainly didn't look it at first glance. Strange that he didn't remember her from the wedding. Surely he would remember someone that pretty. Well this at least was not as bad as he had thought. Dr. Elias Bennet was a pathetic specimen, certainly not to be confused with Dr. Elizabeth Bennet. But how was he meant to guess that this was her, for one, last he heard of her she was in New Zealand, and why would they need an electrical engineer on the team anyway. Oh well he guessed that there was nothing that he could do.
"Dr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. How do you do?" Darcy didn't really care but he had to say something.
"Well how many are we still waiting for. I think that we should get down to business." Elizabeth curtly replied ignoring Darcy entirely.
Charlotte sensing some tension between the two, although she couldn't understand why considering what she had just heard..... Sure Liz didn't like Lydia, but she wouldn't have expected her to react so badly to being called Lydia, said "the list seems to suggest that there are 3 more to come. Col. Fitzwilliam, Prof Collins and Dr. Bingley. But I do think that it is time to get started. Time is ticking away as they say."
With that Col. Fitzwilliam walked in the door, "Sorry that I am late Darcy."
Darcy greeted his cousin and introduced him around and they decided to start. Dr. C. Bingley was going to be late.... she always was, and Prof Collins probably couldn't stop groveling long enough to get there at all.
Fitzwilliam, seeing a great opportunity to start asked Elizabeth "Have you been able to see what we are up against yet?"
"No, curse Charles, he pulled me less than half an hour early. I tried to persuade him but to no avail."
"Oh well, I guess that we will have to take another attack. Lydia, what do you think that you can pull. See if you can find any other country who has a solution."
"Sure thing...... That sounds like fun!" Lydia was already on her way to the bank of computers. It was unlikely that they would know what she was doing, so it didn't matter if she had a little fun as well on the side. Charles' personal email was always interesting. That and there was the military pages. She was a little disappointed that they had no part in the team. But there was nothing to do unless she decided to invite them herself.
Author's note: Well it looks like this is going to make another post........at least.........the next update is when Leia is next bored.......Chances are that will be SOON!!!!!
Chapter the Finale
"To every complex problem there is a simple solution and it is always wrong."- H L Mencken
Lydia guessed that all she had to search for was if there was any other country who had found a fix for this problem....... It seemed to her that millennium "bug" was not quite an appropriate word for it......... Millennium self-destruct fitted the sequence of events much more aptly.
While Lydia was gleefully working away at the computers, there seemed to be a stand off between Darcy and Elizabeth. Fitzwilliam could see this, and desperately thought of a way to break through, when that is just what happened. Caroline came flying through the doors, in an excited manner, saying.
"Sorry that I am sooooo late. I was working on a new perfume in my laboratory when I got the call that Dr. Darcy needed help. So here I am. By the way do you all like my new perfume....... I am calling it 'omnipotent orange', the name comes from the colour, for orange, and the smell for omnipotent."
Under her breath Elizabeth said "If it is anything like her other perfumes, then just potent would be a good name." 'Potent orange' That is what she would nickname it, if she was ever so unlucky to actually smell some. Lucky she was still some hours off getting anywhere near the U.S. Maybe the smell would wear off by the time she got there. That was another thing about Caroline's perfumes though. They could be guaranteed for life. There need be no reapplication for the rest of your life!
Darcy heard Elizabeth's comment, and was hard pressed to not laugh out loud. It was so true. Then he got an idea and spoke up "Too bad Dr. Bennet isn't here to give us her opinion on it. I am sure that she would have something to add, maybe even a way to improve it!"
Elizabeth glared but didn't say anything. She hardly had time to anyway as Caroline, slightly incensed by her darling Dr. Darcy's comment replied "No I don't think so..... I think Eliza is in the best place at the moment." Elizabeth couldn't agree more!
Finally they settled down to work. Darcy was trying to work out what the effect of the destruction of the earth was having on the orbit and what likelihood there was of the earth spinning out of orbit and hitting another planet before it had time to fully destruct.
Caroline was sitting down near Darcy trying to get him to explain every step that he was writing down. Frustrating Darcy very much and pressing home the reminder of why physicists never like chemists. You can become a chemist whether you need a brain or not. Becoming a physicist requires immense brainpower.
Fitzwilliam was trying to work out if this phenomenon was a reaction and if so if there was anyway to reverse it. If there was some way to catalyst a reaction which would reverse the process, then it was possible that they could stop the destruction. It was unlikely though, he thought, that they could possibly recover the land that had been lost, so there was still the wonder at what the effect of the loss of mass would be.
Charlotte was working on the assumption that the world could be saved, and that the lost land could somehow be regained. She was looking at the biological impact of what the recovered land would be. She was also looking at what may happen to the rest of the world. There was the chance that there would be smoke, dust, ash or some other toxic or nontoxic blanket surrounding the earth. The result would be the same, suffocation. This worried her less though, because surely if that was to happen, then there would already be signs of that blanket forming.
Collins, was perambulating around the room looking at whatever everyone was doing. He didn't really have a clue at what they were doing. But he kept spouting his philosophies. "Never give up!" "If you try hard enough you will understand!" "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!" Until Darcy got so fed up with him that he yelled so loudly that Collins headed for the closest corner to hide. He wasn't even going to try and grovel for a couple of hours yet.
Elizabeth had been the only one looking at an active way of stopping the destruction. With Fitzwilliam and Darcy looking at theory, she thought that it was best if she looked at the physical. That was, after all, what she was trained to do.
The phone rang. Darcy answered it because he was the closest. Not having a clue who it could possibly be, "Hello?"
"Hello?, is that you Fitz?"
Darcy shuddered, it was his Aunt Catherine. He would personally skin whoever it was who gave her the number..... That was if he lived long enough to find out. "Yes, Aunt it is me! What do you want..... we are very busy at the moment"
"I was calling to report to you that you only have 25200 seconds left in which to propose to Anne. I am sure that you would not like to disappoint your mother. Would you?"
"You obviously have no faith in our ability to stop disaster Aunt. Anyway I have said and I will say again that I will NOT marry Anne." Darcy was starting to get extremely irritated. This was so like his aunt, and he hated her, as well as her Downs Syndrome afflicted daughter Anne. More to the point he felt sorry for Anne to have to live with a mother like that.
"But you have to darling Fitz, It would be the match of the millennium. We can arrange the ceremony fairly fast, so that gives you a little time to make it romantic....."
With that Darcy slammed down the telephone. He could not understand how his mother, of all people could have been cursed with such a sister. As for him proposing to his cousin. No way on earth........ or off if they didn't manage to stay on very long.
The hours were passing...... Much too fast for comfort. Elizabeth was now only an hour and a half from landing, but she had come up with no feasible plan. She guessed that what had to happen was that they had to somehow stop time so that 2000 never ticked over. She had considered trying to barricade and other ideas like that, but didn't see how they could possibly work, watching as she was how the destruction was running.
Elizabeth was pondering, Collins was considering it about time to start groveling to Darcy, Caroline was watching Darcy, Darcy was watching Elizabeth, Charlotte was watching Fitzwilliam, and Fitzwilliam was looking frustrated when Lydia finally called out "I have it!"
"Have what?" was the chorus response. Forgetting everything that they were previously thinking.
"The answer to how to stop the millennium ticking over. I found that Spain had already discovered it, so hacked my way in and stole it...... All I need to do now is decode it, and we have the fix!"
Seeing an end in sight everyone ran over to Lydia to try and help out. Darcy, seeing that it wasn't actually written in code, but only in Spanish, found it easy to translate, he had spent time in Spain studying under a famous Physicist, so he had to learn the language. They had the whole theory translated within the hour...... well within it, but when they looked at it on the table, it looked like a very unlikely plan. The gist of it was to run in an anticlockwise direction, from west to east of the country....... Everyone that was, in an effort to get the earth spinning the other direction and therefore stop the year 2000 from ever happening.
At that moment, Elizabeth had news to break, not good at all "Well it looks as though that theory did not stand the test of time....... no pun intended.......... but Spain just went up in a cloud of smoke, along with the rest of the time zone. I am glad that I am nearly home!"
With Elizabeth on the ground and in the lab, the atmosphere inside had become tense. Needless to say, Darcy and Elizabeth were not actually the best of friends. With the failure of the found way of saving the country, the air was rather depressed. Leaving Lydia on the computer, doing what ever she was doing...... which could not really be of much help because America was about all that was left. She was actually surfing the military sites, seeing what she could pull up. Fitzwilliam decided that it would be best to work in pairs. which would work nicely because Lydia was with her computers, so she didn't need someone to work with.
Fitzwilliam made the pairs. Knowing that Darcy did not like Caroline, he put Caroline and Collins together, Himself and Charlotte, and Darcy and Elizabeth. As they broke of into their groups, Elizabeth groaned. There was no way that they were going to find an answer now. There was nothing left for Lydia to do, Caroline and Collins had no hope, she had seen the way that Fitzwilliam and Charlotte had been watching each other, that was also unlikely to provide any ground smashing solutions. And what was there to say about her partner, except that he had an ego that had to be bigger than what was left of the world. It was funny that it hadn't started effecting the gravitational fields.
In their own corners, Lydia drooled over the hunks in the military, Fitzwilliam and Charlotte decided that seeing's there was not much time left and no solution in sight, that they had better get to know each other better, Caroline and Collins decided without a word being said that they couldn't stand the other, so they sat facing opposite directions, trying their hardest to ignore the fact that they had a finite amount of time to live and had to spend that time in a room with a person they couldn't stand. Caroline was trying to imagine Darcy, and Collins was imagining any female, and then times that by 10, he always did want to be the center of a harem.
Darcy decided to start their partnership with the declaration that he had a fix for the problem at hand, except for the fact that, as Fitzwilliam put it, he had another phone call. And with that Fitzwilliam and Charlotte announced that they were taking a short break. Seizing on the opportunity, Collins, Caroline and Lydia also announced their intention on taking a break. Elizabeth didn't because she knew that they would never live to see another dawn if she took a break, there was no way she was leaving her life in the hands of this egotistical maniac!
Dreading that the caller may be his aunt, Darcy took the receiver answered "Hello?"
"Darcy, is that you?"
"Yes Aunt, it is me, why are you disrupting our work again?"
"Surely you don't need an answer to that question Fitz. Your cousin is still waiting, there are now only 10800 seconds, 10799, 10798 ...." Darcy slammed down the receiver yet again. Looked once at Elizabeth, then decided that he had to ask now to save his mind and his soul. Also he may lose his nerve.
"Elizabeth, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"
Elizabeth was stunned. This guy had an ego she knew..... she had seen it, but now she saw that he had an inordinent amount of nerve, and told him so in no uncertain terms, finishing with "You are the last person that I would ever think of marrying!"
"Please, Elizabeth, you must let me explain myself. That was my aunt. She wants me to marry her daughter who has Downs Syndrome. If I get married to you, then I can't marry her. Also think of what it would do to your reputation.....marrying the world's best physicist. I am doing you a great honour by asking, with my money and name you would be able to go around looking for disasters without having to worry about the financial side of things at all, but of course you would have to stay at home a bit at least...."
"I think, Dr. Darcy, that you have said quite enough. You are only able to class yourself as the worlds best physicist because there is very little left of the world to compare to. And as for any great honour. I think that I can live without any honour like that. You obviously know very little about me, or you would have known that I have my own fortune as well, so I don't have to worry about "the financial side of it" as you so aptly put it. And being incompetent, I would probably only get in the way. So if you will excuse me I will just wend my way back to the army where I belong, with the other half-wits and finish blowing this place up ahead of time." Elizabeth, thinking that was a fairly good exit line, decided to use it and went out slamming the door behind her.
Darcy watched after her retreating figure, he realised that she must have heard his conversation with Bingley. She used everything that he said about her. But he didn't really say it about her. Because he didn't know it was her. He thought she was someone else. Anyway she had now left. This depressed him somewhat. He tried to tell himself that she was below himself and he had been saved, he tried to tell himself that all he was feeling was lust, because she was so good looking, that it was way too early to be in love with her. But as much as he said it too himself, he still felt that something important had just walked out of his life.
Elizabeth, stormed out of the lab, and then through the glass doors and on out of the building. Noticing subconsciously the clock on the wall. It was hard not to notice, when she got out onto the streets, that there was pandemonium. Everyone was out trying to find fun in their last few hours alive. Desperately trying to find an open coffee shop, she found one, but seeing it so full of people, she decided to get a coffee and head back to the safety of the building. Only hoping that she could find it, as she had not noticed the name of the building.
She did make it back safely though, and sat in the relative peace of the foyer. The building was an interesting one. It had been totally cleared out for their use, in a matter of half an hour. They were the only ones to have keys so as a result the only noise and bustle to disturb her peace was that which was going on outside. That and Darcy, who had just come into the foyer.
Darcy was shocked to find her so easily. He had expected her to be hard to find, and said so. "I didn't realise that it was going to be so frantic outside" Elizabeth replied. Wondering why Dr. Darcy was talking to her at all.
Darcy, taking a deep breath, decided that he had better get it over and done with said "I am sorry about what you overheard earlier. It was a mistake and I can explain."
Elizabeth, on the verge of telling Darcy to leave and never speak to her again, decided that it may be amusing to hear his excuse, so she didn't yell at him, but rather, looked towards him with an interested expression. "go on, you intrigue me!"
"It was simple" started Darcy, "a mistake. I saw Dr. E. Bennet on my list and, not thinking of you, for some unknown reason, I thought of Dr. Elias Bennet. What I was saying was about him."
"Let me get this straight, you thought that I was my mother, and if that wasn't insult enough, you think that my mother is a man. But then I guess that you must never have met her. She would most certainly be beneath your gaze!" Said Elizabeth, in a mixed tone.
"Your mother?!?!?" exclaimed Darcy. "I had only heard of Elias as a male name, so I assumed that she was a he. I am most horrendously sorry. It seems that what I had intended to be a simple apology due to my earlier arrogance, is now turning into a very embarrassing interview. I don't know much about your mother, mostly because I don't agree with what she publishes. Nothing personal really. I had never heard of her having any family at all....."
"There is a reason for that" Elizabeth butted in, "we didn't agree with a lot of what she was saying either, so after my mother and father divorced, the courts proclaimed her mentally imbalanced and let my father have custody over us. It is as I would have preferred it, but it was still not the best way it could have happened. We severed all ties with her, and she was no longer our mother, our mother was proclaimed to be dead, which was hard on Lydia especially, who was still very young but had certainly started taking very strongly to her mother."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. Anyway I wish that I could turn the clock back and unsay what I had said earlier. I am most..."
"What did you say?" cried an excited Elizabeth.
"I said that I wished that I could turn the clocks back...."
"That is it!!!! The answer to how to save our skins!!!"
Bewildered, Darcy asked "Why?"
"Well it isn't quite as easy as that, but nearly. What we need to do is reverse engineer all the clocks so that they go anticlockwise. therefore, making time go backwards. The year 2000 would never come that way!"
Darcy, not much of a person to show emotion, grabbed Elizabeth, and gave her a great big hug, followed up by a kiss, then "That is wonderful. We will have to tell Bingley. Let's go upstairs. Do you have his phone number.... I have it for you if you don't have it."
Elizabeth was stunned. She had worked out the way to save them all. This should return all the other countries to their normal state. There should be no ecological damage or anything like that. Dr. Darcy was even going to let her tell Charles. He obviously wasn't as bad as she had thought. He wasn't trying to take the credit, despite the fact that he was the catalyst for the whole revelation anyway. He also explained the misunderstanding of earlier, much to her satisfaction. There was no denying that his description of her mother was extremely accurate. But he still had the grace to be embarrassed about what he had said. Then there was the hug and kiss, but she wasn't ready to go there yet. She was most certainly unsure of her real feelings. But there was one thing that she recognised in the jumble of thoughts that was flying through her mind. That was that she had somewhat softer feelings to that personage upstairs. Then with a jolt, she realised that she should also be upstairs to make the call. So she hurried off.
Yet another telephone rang, and Bingley was certain that it would soon drive him insane. He picked up the receiver and barked "Not now" in, then hung it up with excess force. It rang again. Bingley was too frustrated to realise that it was the same phone. It had been the trend that there was usually a couple of minutes before the same phone would ring again. He picked up the receiver again and like a machine, barked "Not now!" and hung up. This had been going on all night, and had steadily been getting worse. The same telephone rang another time. Bingley at nearly the height of his frustration picked up the receiver and barked "No! I don't have an answer to save the world!" and slammed the receiver down again. He wondered why he hadn't just taken all the receiver's off the hook ages ago, that would stop them ringing, then he realised that he was hoping for that all important call from Darcy. Why the duce did he not have an answer yet?!?! The same phone was ringing yet again. Bingley picked it up again and Barked "No! I Don't...." He was then cut off with an "I do" coming down the other end of the receiver. He hung onto the receiver even after a vicious click and the start of a dial tone.
Elizabeth felt much better after slamming down the receiver. Her brother-in-law could sometimes be such a pain. If it wasn't so important, then she would not have tried so long.
Bingley was rather disappointed. The line was now busy. He would have to try again, but he certainly wasn't going let many seconds pass!
The phone rang. Elizabeth picked it up and barked "I do" into the receiver and slammed it down again.
Catherine de Bourgh was flabbergasted. Who or more to the point, WHAT was that, that answered the phone, and what was it meant to mean. Fitz was the one who had to ask. It was up to Anne to say I do, not Fitz, it was terribly confusing. So she decided that she must try again.
Darcy decided that if the message was ever going to get across, he would have to intervene, so he suggested to Elizabeth that maybe she had better talk to Bingley this time. Just as the telephone started ringing again.
"Yes, If you didn't get the message, I have the answer!" Barked Elizabeth. Fighting the urge to slam the phone down again.
"Is my nephew anywhere near your vacinity, you may recognise him......"
"Yes, yes, I know,....... by his over sized ego..... but actually I have taken care of that, it is now back down to a more normal size. Anyway He won't marry your daughter, I suggest that he would probably say that because she is a half-wit, she belongs in the army.... Do send her there and get off the line as I am waiting for an important call."
"You impudent girl. I hope that you are not aiming to marry my nephew. Because if you are, then you are going to be sadly disappointed. He is engaged to my daughter!"
"That is not what he says! In fact he says the opposite!"
"I will not have anyone talk to me like that, But anyway I will leave you in no doubt that if you marry my nephew that the whole family will slight you. You are not fit to associate with the class of our family."
"But the wife of your nephew would be so intensely happy, that she would have no cause to repine that a sour puss like you is set against her!"
"So you are determined to have him are you? well fine, just pass the phone over to him so that I can talk some sense into him!"
Totally frustrated. She wanted the stupid lady to get off the phone so Charles could get through, but she wouldn't. Elizabeth threw the phone at Darcy saying "Your Aunt!"
Then she went and sat down in the corner to try and sort out her feelings. Darcy on the other hand, was quite intrigued with what he had heard. Albeit only half, and as demonstrated earlier, that could lead to major misunderstandings, but anyway he was sure that he was just about to find out. "Yes Aunt?"
"You now have 5400 seconds in which to propose to Anne. I have her right close by, so that after I have finished....."
"I have said it more than once, and obviously have to say it again. I will NOT marry Anne!"
"So you are as determined to have the wench as she is to have you are you...... I though better of you!....." Darcy hung up with enthusiasm. So it was as he thought. That was good. Seeing Elizabeth over in the corner he decided it was time to try again.
The phone rang, but Elizabeth didn't get up. So Darcy took it as a sign and kept walking towards her. "Can I really believe my ears?!?" Darcy half questioned. Seeing that Elizabeth wasn't going to be all that forthcoming he added. "Is what I heard really to be believed?!?!"
Elizabeth looked at Darcy with a wry smile. "It all depends on what you heard! I am sure that your aunt called me a wench or a whore or something equally as bad. If that is what you are asking about, then I rather that you didn't believe it!"
"Elizabeth, why are you so frustrating...... You know quite well that is not what I was talking about. My aunt has nothing to say that I am interested in hearing. I try to listen to her as little as possible, and if you were my wife, I would suggest that you do the same!" There Darcy thought, it was up to her to say something. He had hinted. That was as much as he could manage at the moment.
Now it was Elizabeth's turn to wonder if she was hearing right. Was he really asking again, or was he just making a comment for the sake of making a comment. Sometimes she disliked her rather too forward mouth, but there was nothing that she could do about it, she said "Were you really asking me again, or were you just making a comment for the sake of making a comment?"
Darcy starting to let himself hope, replied "Well I guess that all depends on whether you would answer yes if I asked again!"
"Yes" said Elizabeth simply.
"Oh well if that is the case I did ask!!!....... But I will ask once more to make it formal" He took Elizabeth's hand "Dearest Elizabeth. Would you please do ME the honour of marrying me?"
"Yes Dr. Darcy"
"Ugggh, Pulleeeeeze don't call me that...... call me anything but that!"
"Very well anything but that, are we going to get married before or after they turn the clocks back."
"Before" said Darcy huskily and then drew her in for a passionate kiss.
:qb; P.S. Blame john for the french kiss!!!! btw that is Liz winking.
And after that intermission, we return to the saga ------
They finally broke for air, when they realised that the telephone was still ringing and Charles still didn't know........... know anything for that matter!!!!!
Elizabeth walked over and said. "I do, now I am engaged...." and hung up.
Darcy said "I thought that we had decided to tell him, and to stop this game. We are running out of time you know!"
"Sorry, I forgot! I proooooooomise!" as the phone rang again.
"Hello?"
"I wish to...." Elizabeth hung up. Darcy looked at her in a disapproving fashion.
"Your aunt, anything but that!"
"Puleeeeze, call me Fitz, call me Fitzwilliam, call me William, but not that! I thought that you understood"
"Well what would you prefer?"
"Well as my Aunt calls me Fitz I would not really enjoy that as much....."
"Okay, I will call you Will, but William if I am mad!"
"Fine with me Elizabeth, or Liz..... I will never be mad!!! well at least not at you! But please do answer the phone."
"Hello?"
"I......." Elizabeth hung up again. Waiting for it to ring again. It certainly didn't disappoint her.
"Hello?"
"Um, are you going to hang up on me?"
"No, I think that we are over that game..... It is time for you to hear....... I am engaged......"
"What??!? well that is good news, but I thought that you had better news for me..."
"Oh no that is the best news that I can muster at the moment...." said Elizabeth with a cheeky grin.
"Wh..at, you mean that you don't have a solution...?"
"Well yes I do, but first you have to promise that you will come to the wedding."
"Well yes but who is the man? surely not Collins, I knew that it was bad to have him on the team..."
"Please excuse me while I am sick in the corner...... How could you think sooooooo badly of me. I will be marrying the love of your sister's life.....break it to her gently........ his name is Dr. Darcy."
There was a stunned silence "Capital, that is just fabulous...... that was certainly fast work!!!!"
"Blame him not me!!! anyway now that I have the promise, I will tell you the solution. What you have to do is re-engineer their clocks. They should do it now, but leave the power off, as it would throw the timing of the day out if they turned them around now."
"That it?? ok, well we can arrange that I think..."
"Don't think, do it...... If you don't then we all go up in smoke!!! But don't tell Caroline or Collins. This is the way to rid the world of parasites..... sorry that she is your sister, but I really think that it would make the world a better place."
"well I guess that I could manage that. So when is the wedding?"
Elizabeth looked enquiringly at Darcy, and then answered into the phone "10 min...... here!"
With that Elizabeth hung up and rang the priest. Luckily he could be there, so it was all set, as Darcy once more embraced Elizabeth........"I could get used to this" replied Elizabeth as the phone rang again." Damn the phone..... why didn't you leave it off the hook?? I think that it must be your turn now" Elizabeth smiled evilly.
Darcy picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"1800 seconds Fitz..." Darcy slammed the receiver down, and felt Elizabeth's slim arms around his waist. He could get used to this as well. Very used to it, as she kissed the back of his neck.
"Your aunt I presume?"
"Yes!"
"Well then why did you not leave the receiver off the hook?"
"Oh rats....... well just let me fix that darling........ what a great idea!!!!!" then he rewarded her with a kiss, and it wasn't until Elizabeth managed to clear her head a little, from the giddy school girl feeling, that she remembered that there was no way for the priest to get into the building. Breaking away, she said this to the disappointed Darcy, and they took off downstairs. To find the priest standing waiting at the door. Very patient that priest. They let him in, just to see Bingley climb out of the car with Jane and a backpack. They decided that because of the glass doors, it would be better for them to go upstairs.
Before the ceremony started, Darcy had to ask......."So why does your mother have a male name?"
"Well that is quite easy to explain......... her parents were very disappointed that she wasn't a boy so they gave her a male name in the hopes that she would become a boy....... very sad!"
"I d........" Darcy started to say when he was interrupted by the most horrendous earsplitting bang.
"Whaa..a.aa...a.aaa..aaaa.t" stammered Darcy "this is not fair. Not at all. Just when I am about to be married, it fails. How could it, it was foolproof. Not even Collins could wreck it......."
Elizabeth seeing that her soon to be husband, was really taking this badly, silenced him with a kiss, and then turned him around to see the blackened mess behind him.
And a guilty looking Charles holding a book of matches "it was only a firecracker" said Charles demurely "I thought that it was in the spirit of celebration....... I take it no??? Anyway the clocks are safely turned around, and we are heading back towards the year of our lord 1000...."
Cheekily Elizabeth looked up "So that is what they mean by the 'Second coming'!?!?!"
With that they completed the ceremony, and waved the happily wed couple off, downstairs, and out into the street. It was soon to be Christmas again, so the shops would be selling Christmas things, but there was most certainly a hotel room available for the amount of money they were offering.
That newly wed couple had a few priorities to getting into bed......... hard to believe but they decided to watch the satellite picture of the annihilation of Collins and Caroline several times. They were lucky, the fact that they turned the clocks back one second early, meant that the time that Collins and Caroline departed this earth, was not repassed in reverse time, so they could not be saved................. How sad!
;dp; P.S. This one is due to leia........... this time though they are both crying crocodile tears for the departure of the two C's catty Caroline and corpulent Collins.
Yet again another distraction but we will proceed with the story again......... we are persistent!
Then, just before they were ready to get into the realm that is off this board, Elizabeth had a great idea.
Grinning cheesily at Darcy she said "Does that mean that we are not married anymore?"
Authors Note: To those crettins who want a really happy ending ......here it is. :)
Now are you all sitting comfortably?
(Romantic music which carries all through.)
*Door Opens*
"Elizabeth ....... Elizabeth darling it's.........it's me, Will."
"Oh Will darling........... you are back."
"Yes, yes I brought it with me..........I've been a fool about you."
"Oh don't say that darling."
"This parcel........it's for you."
"Is it? What is it Will?"
*Paper Rustles*
"This thing is bigger than both of us."
"Oh Will, it's................ it's an Elephant."
"I'm not waiting any longer, We're getting married tonight."
And so that night Fitzwilliam Darcy married an Elephant.
Goodnight.
- adapted from "Tales of men's shirts" Goonshow.
Well that is the grand finale.......... if that ending isn't happy enough for you, I suggest that you go back to the first one ;- )