Jump to new as of November 14, 1999
Author's Note: This is the first time I am writing a story and the first time I write in English any fiction. Please have patience with some clumsiness. I may even write a corrected version to the archives later...I also apologise if I handle the Catholic Church too wildly and roughly in this story and use language and images from religious world with freedom. This Maria von Trapp is far from the real person there once was, and no other people carry a resemblance to any known person or circumstance.
Chapter 1
What will this day be like....I wonder....
What will my future be...I wonder....
Lizzy was walking with impatient activity and at the same time, dreading to see the house she was now assigned to as a governess.
The Mother Superior had given her money for the bus ride, but she had dropped the money into the convent box "For The Poor And Disabled" and decided to walk to her destination...ohh...what it is again, this address...?
"D´you know where is Captain von Darcy´s house?" she asked a passer-by on this mountain road she had chosen because it was her favourite lane.
"Pemberley? Over there..." the man said waving his hand...and just when Lizzy reached the turn in the road, she saw the house. "Holy Smoke!" she exclaimed (one of the expressions not tolerated at the abbey, but now she was outside...) and had to sit down astonished, wiping sweat from her tanned brow.
Elizabeth was delighted. A large handsome building in a place where nature was in perfect unison with man´s artifice. She turned to the opposite direction and saw the abbey there, that too, on the hill....the dear old home church etc. Her mind went further back to this morning....
The meeting with the Mother Superior.
Oh yes, I know I was the black sheep in the abbey. I had been brought up as the boy in the family of 5 sisters, and although my coming to the sisterhood was the dream of my childhood, I was a complicated novice. I still yearned to go walkabouts in my beloved mountains, and I enjoyed music a little bit too much ( my hallelujas at the services were too loud...).
But Mother Superior had more shocking news than complaining about Lizzy´s last show: jumping on the abbey roof. She had decided to send her away...for a while. She was to serve as a governess for Captain von Darcy´s children. It is sad business in this world Lizzy figured: as hard as it was to follow the rules in the abbey, it was still alarming to leave the dear sisters and familiar life at the abbey for a year.
"But I will come back", she thought stringently.
"I shall conquer this...they put me to a test, but at least I know I am a strong candidate for a nun and they may let me take my wows after this exile..."
I had once heard....quite accidentally, of course, I was cleaning the floor and they didn´t notice me...how Sister Phillips, Sister Gardiner and Mother Superior had a conversation about us new novices.
"Sister Lydia, there is no doubt of that, is unsuitable for the abbey...too frivolous."
"And so is Sister Mary...too righteous" said Sister Gardiner grimly.
"Oh, you mean self-righteous, of course" said The Reverend Mother, and all laughed.
"But I must throw in a good word for Sister Elizabeth..." but then I heard no more, since they were walking away...
So, there must be something good in me, if the Reverend Mother says so....
The Reverend Mother hadn´t said it explicitly, but Lizzy had understood that Captain von Darcy, a retired marine officer and a widower with several children, was a benefactor of the Abbey and so his request for help was considered an order. And so she had understood the message: trust in God, be yourself, but please...don´t embarrass our community. Lizzy had now reached the house, tightened the strings of her hat under her chin, and resolutely pressed the doorbell. A tall, elegant man came to open and ....
Oh, gee...(sorry Jesus, your name is so dear to me I use it all the time), rules for a young nun entering into society: please, never shake hands with butlers...common friendliness seems to be out of place in these circles....
Lizzy felt she had waited for ages in that lofty and handsome hall where butler Hans had left her, but it must have been only a few minutes. At last the Captain arrived. If his handshake hadn´t been so warm and firm, she would have been intimidated by his tall and self-assured figure.
"Nice to meet you, fraulein...."
"Elizabeth"
Oh, he is a fine figure of a man. Handsome, too. But sad-looking. No easy and pleasing countenance here.
Only, the Captain looked her from head to the toes, and his look reached the hem of her skirt, 6 inches in mud....He frowned and asked:
"You didn´t walk all 5 miles from Salzburg here?"
" Oh, yes I did, what is 5 miles of a good road...an easy distance".
He gave her another look, more inquisitive, straight into her eyes that had been considerably brightened by exercise.
"Ehmmmm...I´d like you to see the children now."
Me and my big mouth and the reputation of monastery...
He took a whistle from his pocket and blew some funny noises on it. Lizzy was all question marks. He explained apologetically how he has whistles for his children as there are so many of them and the house is big and...
A man of some contradictions, this guy. First he is so welcoming, then scares me into speaking my mind and now he seems ...ehmmmm---clumsy and endearing.
"How many of them are there?" Lizzy realized she hadn´t been told this bit of irrelevant info before.
"Seven"
"SEVEN!"
"What is the problem with that?" he asked raising his eyebrows.
"Ehh... I was just wondering...are they ALL my pupils?"
"No, just the eldest, Georgiana".
Lizzy half expected to hear shouting and running, but after some sounds of stamping, giggling and hush-hushing a solemn little parade of kids all ages came down the stairs like a Holy Procession. And they stared at her. And Lizzy stared back.
A nice bunch, prettily dressed...the same thing cannot be said about my dress...
A little bit reserved, of course...but some sly looks, also.
The Captain introduced me to the kids and told their names and ages. Then he said abruptly:
"All right, I´ll leave you to get to know each other," and left the room.
Chapter 2 ~ How do we solve a problem like Captain Von Darcy?
I am so sorry I have to disappoint many of you...I really have to leave the Darcy kids as cameo characters mostly. It gets too complicated with 15 main characters....
Lizzy was walking in the beautiful grounds of Pemberley.
It was three weeks since she had arrived in this house. She had learned the names of 7 children, 12 maids, 3 cooks, 3 butlers etc. She had already learned to like her new pupil Georgiana, who seemed to be a shy, yet eager child. She had had meningitis earlier this year and was still frail and so far behind with her studies that she couldn't go to school like her brothers and sisters.
She had got used to the grand style at the dinner table, and she loved to visit the lovely summer chapel in the park. The kids were of good, solid kind ....and she was sure she was going to manage all right. But what about the master of the house, the good Captain von Darcy?
Now he had gone off to Vienna. But his presence was felt everywhere in his household. It was not a malevolent presence, more like a silk-glove silent management style.
And yet...
Captain von Darcy had so many rules in his house. Some she understood, some she did not. He seemed to be overprotective of his children. Hardly any games in this park were allowed in the park. Only volley-ball in nice weather. No rowing on the beautiful lake. Georgiana seemed to be quite a musical kid and with difficulties she had got permission from by the Captain to include some music lessons into her studies.
"I hope you don't force some folk dances into the curriculum next" was Captain's dry answer with dubious smile.
At the same time he seemed an indulgent father in many ways. The best private tutoring for the boys, toys and lovely outfits for the girls.
But they are kids, for heaven's sake, ( sorry, my vocabulary remains hopelessly sacral...), not some expensive show dolls.
Sometimes in the evenings he came into the kids´ living room during their "recreation hour" (oh yes, that was also defined in the children's daily program). He played pool there with the boys but seemed always to eavesdrop on the chatting of the girls and Lizzy or on the fairytales she read to the little kids or on Georgiana and Lizzy practicing songs. Although, music made him somewhat...uneasy. Why, Lizzy wondered?
It was not always easy to be in the presence of such an acute observer. Once, when all the kids were occupied by Monopoly or chess, Lizzy looked up from her needlework and saw him sitting nearby the fire-place, staring at her . As if were there was something sinister in patching up a lace. Lizzy´s courage rose as if he tried to intimidate her.
"Are you interested in monastery handicraft , Captain? Let me explain this lace to you - sir" she said.
After some silence he said tentatively: "I was just wondering, what do you do in the monastery during recreation hour?"
"Oh, the same as here. Some handicraft. A little talk...or little talk" she deviously added.
"Do you read any books?"
"Hardly any, only such that are considered sound, that should elevate the soul and deepen our vocation."
"Like Postillas and St Thomas..."
"No , more like St Teresa, St Juliana and some Goethe, Schiller and Shakespeare." Lizzy snipped back.
"Grau ist alle theorie.." he mumbled quietly, like a dreamer.
"... und grün des Lebens goldner Baum.*" completed Lizzy, somewhat astonished. "And I read a lot when I was still at the teachers´ seminary."
"So how did Romeo & Juliet...ehhhh..elevate your soul and deepen your vocation?" he asked uncertainly, even a little bit disapprovingly.
" Romeo & Juliet and Abelard & Heloise taught me the most important thing there is...
He watched her queryingly...
"....to know God´s will and fulfil it with all my heart and without questions" she triumphed. "And now despise me if you dare."
"Indeed I do not dare."
The gallant words and the sincere sound of his voice made Lizzy look up from the lace confused...but he had already risen swiftly and had said "Good night" to kids and left the room.
But Lizzy had now no chance to think of enigmatic captains. As she reached the summer chapel, a young man nearly jumped from the bushes into her way. She almost jumped out of her skin.
"Oh, I am most exceedingly sorry, madam" the man exclaimed. "I had no intention of scaring you, I was just on my way home from the chapel."
This fair lad seemed to have nice manners since he continued amiably:
"Ma'am , may I introduce myself more appropriately. I am Rolf Wickham from the neighbouring farm. The von Darcys are my distant relatives." His eyes caught the novice-ring Lizzy had on her finger..." and you must be.."
"I am the new governess, Fräulein Elizabeth."
"Yes, I recognize your Nonnberg-ring. Nice to meet you. You see, I have myself been a student in a seminary of St Joseph.."
"---and that is a fellow-brotherhood of the Nonnberg -sisters! "
"Yes, exactly! That makes us like old friends already."
His smile was pleasing and he seemed not to have the taciturn habits of von Darcy's, so...
" What is you relation to the Darcys?" Lizzy asked somewhat puzzled.
" My parents were cousins of the late Baroness von Trapp. We used to come here quite often when she was still living. Even now many of us visit at least the chapel often. Me too, now that I am back here to take care of our farm."
"You don´t continue your studies at St. Joseph?"
"No. I decided to return here, to my homestead. Sometimes you have to search God´s will really hard..."
This was familiar language and ideas to Lizzy.
" Did you have trouble with seminary discipline? she asked him like a fellow-criminal.
Wickham gave her an inquiring look, then his face broke into dashing smile.
" No, I didn´t, as a matter of fact. I think our rules are not so strict as in Nonnberg! They´re Jesuits, you know. No, I have had troubles with discipline, but that was when I was in the military."
Then he drew breath as if going to change a topic, but stopped when Georgiana was seen
coming towards them in the alley.
"Rolf! " Georgiana exclaimed as she approached them.
"Hi Georgie! I was just on my way home from the chapel. Well, I must be going.
He turned around and looked the park longingly. "How nice it was to play here
when we were kids, wasn´t it, Georgie! I hope you won´t give your new governess too hard a time. Goodbye, Fräulein Elizabeth. Cheerio, Miss Georgiana. My, how you have grown since the last time I saw you.."
And soon he was gone. His walking style pleased Elizabeth, it was loose and gangly.
Rather like her own style would have been if she hadn´t been trained in nun-walking at the abbey.
"Georgiana, it seems as if you haven´t seen Rolf for a long time. How old is he?"
"Ehh...he is 21."
"Do you have any idea why you don´t see your neighbours and relatives?"
"Well, mother died. Dad stopped seeing many relatives at that time....He hardly ever
talks of them now. Or of her." Georgiana stopped falteringly.
I swallowed the words that were on my lips. After all, Georgiana was sweet 16 going on 17 and she was naive for her age. Her dad was neither wise nor fair in preventing the connections between the relatives of his wife and his kids, not to say that he should have let them (and himself) talk about her. But I couldn´t say that to her.
Georgiana took a deep, anxious breath and squeezed my hand.
"You won´t tell papa, please?"
"Tell him what? Lizzy asked astonishedly.
"That I met Rolf?"
Oh that. Beginning to see light. Puppy love. Not a good thing, I think, but...
"Ohh...well, no. But you must promise me you meet openly at the house. There can be no danger if you chat with your late mom´s relatives when I am present."
" Oh, Fräulein Elizabeth. It is so lovely to have you here and get your advice! You are so much older and wiser than me!"
"I am not yet one and twenty, please don´t make me feel like a relic." Lizzy chuckled. "But when you´re 16 going on 17, you´d better be wary, canny and careful or however the old song goes...".
The next day Rolf came back. He met Lizzy and her student on the porch , and when Georgiana had to leave for her piano lesson, he came quickly closer to Lizzy and said:
"Look, I appreciate your kind invitation to visit here, but I think I really can´t do it."
"Why?"
"Well, it was Captain von Darcy who was behind my getting sacked from the military.
I was in the marines. I was told nothing explicit about the REAL reasons of my expulsion, but..."
"And you were sacked because of..."Lizzy tightened her lips.
"...of disciplinary misconduct."
"I could have guessed."
"Well, I didn´t mind leaving the military at that time.You see, the church was my real vocation...."
"How would you have liked priestly duties? Lizzy interjected because she really wanted to know.
" Oh, I would have greatly liked celebrating mass. Some sense of drama there." For a second there was an odd flash in his eyes indicating...what? "But it was not to be... My expulsion from a military was reported to the seminary, too. So I decided to leave myself...rather than create embarrassing situations for our dear archbishop De Bourgh, who happens to be Captain von Darcy's god-father."
Lizzy was stunned.
"But please, don´t mention my visits here to anybody. I mean , if it is not directly required of you", he corrected.
"Well, I can´t see any reason why someone should ask that."
"Neither can I . Well, I must be going."
And he gave Lizzy one of his endearing smiles.
A good guy, he must be. But such an awful testimony of the judgment of Captain von Darcy. Oh dear!
Lizzy changed her evening prayers ending. Instead of : "..and let the Captain find a new wife who makes his and kids´ life happy again" she prayed " and let the children live happily ever after."
* Grey is every theory, and green is the golden tree of life.(Goethe: Faust)
Alternate Chapter 2 ~ Kids in Line and Order
(some fun before reaching the culmination point)
I had to leave out the Von Darcy children (Georgiana, Charles, Louisa, Fitzwilliam, Charlotte, Anne and little Catherine) from my story to make the plot smoother. But I have now a small comic bit as a diversion from the serious story. This is how the Darcy kids might have introduced themselves to Fräulein Lizzy...
This chapter is not examined by my excellent editor Hanne, so all language mistakes are mine.... No archive yet, please.
The Captain had left the room. Lizzy sighed inwardly. Seven children....
"So, now, could you tell me your names and ages again...."
"My name is Georgiana , I am sixteen and I don´t need any governess. I have had enough of Mrs Younges and Mrs Annesleys...(suddenly changing into soft Emelia Fox-style...). But I would like to have a sister...ehhhh...a mother. "
"I am Charles, I am fifteen, and I am a boy. A boy of amiable temper...." he smiles .
"So, how amiable are you..?" asked Lizzy, amused.
"I always exceed my weekly allowance and I get cheated by my sisters and brothers..." he acknowledged.
What a great openness of character, Lizzy thought.
"And I am Charlotte ..."
Lizzy intervened: "You didn´t say how old you are, LOUISA...?"
The next girl in line stepped forward.
"She is Louisa and I am Charlotte. She is 14 and I am 12. They say I was never romantic, but in this story, I have to be a sharp observer and romantic, too, like my little-cousin Brigitta. I think you´re smart...but ...(giggling to Louisa) her hair, Louisa, do you see her hair!..."
Fitzwilliam didn´t approve. "Charlotte, you´re not allowed to say such things."
"Don´t you think her hair is untidy, blowsy?"
"Yes, of course I do, but I wouldn´t perform to strangers my thoughts.....My name is Fitzwilliam, I am 13, and my temper would be perhaps called resentful."
He looked puzzled. Then he asked: "What is a resentful temper?"
Lizzy wickedly said: "It may mean you will grow up as a brooding and a handsome man who seems to play hard to get....a dream of ladies."
"Ouuchhhh! I never want to be like that!"
"You can´t help it. It is in your name..."
The next girl in line wouldn´t say anything...She looked sickly and cross. The other kids begged her: "Come on, Anne. Please say a word....Sorry, Fräulein. She hardly ever says anything. She is 7."
The last in line, a little girl, stamped her foot.
"Oh yes, you are..."
"My name is Catherine, I am five , and I give my opinion very decidedly for so young a person. When I am grown up, I will be a great lady and I won´t be contradicted."
So, am I now forgiven for leaving the kids in shadows....;-)?
Chapter 3 ~ He's a darling, He's a demon, He's a lamb Posted on Saturday, 25 September 1999, at 2 : 24 p.m.
The summer proved to be a hot one and Lizzy decided not to be inactive in matters concerning the children´s well-being. The captain was still in Vienna. The kids got postcards telling about high society life and meetings with the De Bourgh family, the Baroness Bingley whom the kids called Aunt Caroline. Lizzy had learned that in the "old days", as the eldest kids Georgiana and Charles used to reminisce, they had had numerous holidays at the seaside and still yearned for sea bathing and other water sports. Why not continue the same innocent occupation here at Lake Pemberley, thought Lizzy and boldly sent a request to the captain for permission to get swimming suits for the kids.
A reply came quickly. "Please, don´t make any purchases. I shall be coming home next week." Frustrated, Lizzy turned to the housekeeper Mrs. Reynolds, who was a friendly soul. She was distantly related to the von Trapps and had just returned from a leave, taking care of her sick sister. Lizzy had taken quite a liking to her and therefore she did not hesitate to vent her frustration.
"Does this mean the children have no hope of swimming ever ?"
"No, dear, I don't think so. It seems to me that he has now too much in his mind to take your suggestion into consideration. You see, he wrote to me, too. He is bringing some people here for a visit, Baroness Bingley and her Father Confessor, Father Collins. Even the de Bourghs may visit later. The children will be quite occupied with so many guests."
Lizzy was vaguely interested in the guests, too, but she felt she had yet to ask from the kind Mrs. Reynolds some enlightenment when they met later in the evening. The dear lady was happily treating her to pastries, candy and wine.
"There is one thing I do not understand. The captain has precious children, this wonderful home of his and everything money can buy. Why then does he seem unable to enjoy any of it?"
The smile vanished from Mrs. Reynolds´ face. " Everything that money can buy - That is so very little. Oh, the poor man has lost so much!"
She seemed lost in thoughts and Lizzy became embarrassed. Then Mrs. Reynolds turned to her again and said: "Perhaps you should hear more of it, my dear. The Captain is not always easy to understand, and you might find a key in his life's story to understand him and his kids better."
Then Lizzy heard an odd story, which puzzled her as much as it informed her of many things she hadn't known.
The Captain had had career, wife, family and many interests and pursuits. Now, all this was in the past and he was restless with an aching heart.
The love-story with his wife was a fairy-tale combination of beauty, character and wealth. Music was their shared delight. His wife was a singer and an accomplished musician. Then she died in a boat accident.
I am beginning to get a clue...
The Captain had a distinguished career in the military. Then Austria lost all her naval ports in World War I. His life in the navy was over and even the new career in politics came into end .This country didn't seem very promising for men like him.
Lizzy had always been a bit inattentive to politics so this didn't move her as much as Mrs. Reynolds apparently thought it should.
"But...what about the children?" Lizzy ventured to ask.
"It is so sad. He loves them so much. But he finds it difficult now to feel himself at ease with them and is certainly not a man of public display of affection. `Never a one to
perform to strangers` as the old saying goes.
And he became overprotective after the boat accident. Without their mother, he is a bit lost as to what would be right for them."
"I have known him since he was 4 years old and never have I seen such a generous-hearted boy...and I have always observed that those who are good-hearted as children are goodhearted as adults. Even now he was so helpful and attentive when my sister fell ill."
Can this be Captain von Darcy? Lizzy wondered....
"Some people call him proud, but I suspect it is only because he doesn't give frivolous parties, flirt with the ladies or rattle away with the country gentry. There was an incidence concerning some relatives living nearby here..."
This remark caught Lizzy's attention. The Wickhams, for sure.
"...which made him even more careful when associating with people. Nowadays you never know whom you can trust, " Mrs. Reynolds sighed.
Lizzy was perplexed. Surely you can trust a seminary student and cousins-in-law you have known for years?
"Well, anyway, there is still hope he may marry again and at least some happiness may return to this house. It is generally understood that the engagement announcement to this certain Baroness Caroline Bingley is only a matter of time. "
Lizzy was quite curious about this news. Mrs. Reynolds seemed rather non-committal about the topic, so all there was to be done was to wait for the arrival of the guests. .
Chapter 4
"Father has arrived! And the guests, too!"
Lizzy was awakened with a jolt by kids´ enthusiastic and shrill voices. She had gathered that they were more curious about Aunt Caroline than truly taken in by her, and still less did they seem to think of Father Collins. Yet, there was clearly a buzz in the house.
When Elizabeth came downstairs, she was greeted by Father Collins. He was a bulky man with condescending smirk on his face.
I thought I had seen all Our Lord's Oddities in the clergy, but this one... can he really be a special emissary of archbishop De Bourgh?
But he was already expressing himself in many words about how delightful it was to meet a young nun here in SUCH an important position , teaching the kids of SUCH an illustrious person and how LUCKY she must feel to be in this grand mansion.
Oh yes, and you are the the BIGGEST prig in cloth I have ever seen.
"I am now in solitary possession of this beautiful breakfast room, as you can see. Such a lovely morning! The Captain and The Baroness went for a walk. It is so delightful to watch the understanding they´re reaching" he contemplated with eggs and bacon. "Oh, but not another word on that subject! We will all have to use our utmost discretion...." he concluded self-satisfied.
"Oh, there you are, my friends." he exclaimed when the aforementioned couple came in.
"I was just getting to know your new governess better, Georg . Did you have a nice walk, eh..?" . Father Collins was clearly on the line of utmost indiscretion and the Captain and even the Baroness seemed to be bothered by his curiousity.
The Captain looked well. Lizzy thought he was not so strained as before, but yet there was something peculiar in his manners when he introduced her to Baroness Bingley.
"Caroline, here is Fräulein Elizabeth from Nonnberg - Abbey."
"Oh, so you´re the wonder girl of whom I have heard so much", she said.
Wonder girl? Her manners were charmingly polite, but distinctly insincere, so this choice of words sounded odd. She was gorgeous with fair hair and distinguished features.
She looks blasé and cross. She would do very well for him. If there weren´t any children to think about...
But the Captain seemed now preoccupied with something else than this fair lady.
"Fräulein Elizabeth, could you bring all the kids to drawing room in the afternoon. We are having tea together. But first, where is Georgiana? I´d like to have a word with her."
He went upstairs looking for her, and Lizzy was called away by the smallest children.
Secretly, the whole bunch of kids had been preparing a surprise for the Baroness. Lizzy had been teaching some Austrian folksongs to all the children these summer days, and now the kids wanted to welcome their guests with a song. Lizzy had to admit that she was a little bit nervous about this enterprise. Only Georgiana was her pupil, and now she had managed to influence the other kids to practise music, too. They were amazingly musical...like their mother had been, Lizzy guessed.
The kids rehearsed their song in the park under Lizzy´s guidance and just when they were returning to the house they saw Georgiana running down the porch in tears and disappearing in the garden. Her father followed her but stopped at the rail of the porch, his head bowed as if he was seeing or hearing nothing.
"Dad, what is the matter?" exclaimed Charlotte, always a quick one to notice moods in people.
"Nothing special, my dear. Please, would you now go inside and change for tea and dinner. I´d like to talk to Fräulein Elizabeth."
The children left confused and the Captain turned to Lizzy. She saw some even darker shade in his dark brown eyes.
Odd, even in this tense moment, I find myself contemplating how his eyes make all the difference in his face. They are so...alive.
"Fräulein, is it possible that my eldest daughter has been seeing a young man called Wickham here, ....in this house?"
"Yes, it is possible and it has happened. Why do you ask?" Lizzy said boldly.
"Because of this!" he exclaimed and showed a bunch of letters in his hand. "These were all written to Georgiana by him, and they are not at all a pretty thing to read!"
"Georgiana seemed to know him well..." Lizzy started, but she was beginning to be alarmed, too.
"You didn´t try to stop them to see each other? "
"No..."
"She is but sixteen, for God´s sake! Why didn´t you do something?!"
The Captain was in deep distress but he was also plainly, stubbornly angry and that made Lizzy snip back quickly:
"If I didn´t know about it, how could I do something? You´re the girl´s father and you should have been the first to know. How can I get the confidence of a child that can´t even trust her own father?"
The blow had reached its goal. Captain was shaken but still continued:
"She has shown these letters to me now when I asked her. There is to be no communication between them anymore, nothing what-so-ever. Do I make myself clear?"
"Perfectly clear. You mean to prevent her seeing people whom she has known all her life. There maybe a reason for preventing it in this case, but your children will not gain much from a model of totally self-sufficient and self-centered father."
"You´re calling me a selfish father?"
"Yes, you´re so absorbed in your own misery that you don´t notice the 7 young lives desperately needing you."
Once and for all, it is now said. Lizzy felt exhausted and yet felt for Captain...he seemed now quiet, forlorn. Then he pulled himself together.
"You have said quite enough, madam. I consider you now released from your duties in this house and ask you to return to Nonnberg. "
At the same time he was saying this, children´s voices were heard from the tea room.
It was "Edelweiss", the most popular Austrian song there ever was.
"What is that ?" the Captain stumbled.
"It is singing, sir."
"Yes, I quite realize that but who is singing?"
"Your children. They wanted to surprise the Baroness and you with a song. They are quite amazingly talented kids, you know. Kind, too." Lizzy felt bad with this "you know". She had said enough and knew it. She had this quite a new ache in her when she was thinking of having to leave this house...
The Captain turned abruptly and went into the house. Lizzy sat down with head in her hands and sat there for a while. Then she slowly returned to house and decided to sneak into her room. In the stairs she heard something...quite shattering. A male voice singing. A beautiful baritone. It can´t be Father Collins, so it must be...Then she heard Georgiana saying (she had recovered her senses so quickly and come back to the house?)
"Please, Dad, let´s sing this one once more...I could accompany you all."
She must have stood there unmoved, like charmed for a long time, because the captain had come close to her unnoticed. He was still looking grave, but his voice was sincere and vivid then he said straight out:
"I apologise most heartily, Fraulein. I shouldn´t have put the blame on you so violently.
I want you to...ehmmmm....I am asking you to stay here. If possible. Please."
His voice was pleading but his eyes puzzled, like searching something he wasn´t sure he wanted to find.
"I am sorry, too, Captain. I always speak my mind too freely. I didn´t mean...I mean...I meant but...." . There was a new frailty in Lizzy´s attitude.
"Please, let´t put it behind us. There is only one thing I want you to know. Especially since you are staying as Georgiana´s governess...."
"Yes?"
"Rolf Wickham is a member of Nazi party and only today I got a telegram from Vienna confirming my worst suspicions...He was making attentions to Georgiana, a child he has known all his age, only to get a footing in this house. His design seems to have been to get some means to blackmail me into the navy of the....of The Third Reich....(the idea seemed to put him on the edge)...not to say he is interested in pretty girls with a fortune, too."
Lizzy was stunned. And this time, she really got the feeling of herself being silly and prejudiced and ...
and what´s more:
"How awful for Georgiana!"
"Yes, I didn´t tell her the truth. I just asked her to stop the connection completely." There was a pain in Captain´s eyes. " And I ask you to keep this information from her, too. It is less pain she suffers this way than knowing the ugly scheme...".
"Of course, Captain.."
Then he left, abruptly again, as was his style. But what was the song he was humming?...
Oh yes. "Dein blaues Augen" by Brahms.
"Dein blaues Augen hält so still,
Ich blicke bis zum Grund.
Du fragst mich,
Was ich sehen will?
Ich sehe mich gesund.
Es brannte mich ein glühend Paar,
Noch schmerzt, noch schmerzt das
Nachgefühl:
Das deine ist wie See so klar
Und wie ein See so kühl. "
"Your blue eyes keep so still,
That I can gaze upon their very depths.
You ask me,
What do I want to see?
I see my own well-being.
A glowing pair burned me once;
The scar still hurts, still hurts.
Yet your eyes are like the sea so clear,
And like the sea, so cool and detached. "
Chapter 5 ~ Climb Every Mountain, Ford Every Stream Posted on Thursday, 30 September 1999, at 2 : 15 p.m.
A warning: There are some observations on art and religion and Lizzy´s thoughts here that are perfectly normal to a person like me who has worked with art and religion all her life, but some may find them too controversial.
Next morning Lizzy heard sounds of constructing from the park. As if they were building...what? Then Charlotte and little Catherine ran to her joyfully and showed their new swimming suits.
"Look, Dad brought these for us from Vienna! And there is going to be a new swimming hut on the pier by the lake. They have started to build that early in the morning, and in the afternoon it will already be finished! Can we go swimming then, Fräulein? Please..."
This cannot be! But yet it must.... A humiliating discovery. My judgement of human beings proves to be in error on all counts.. There seems to be a variety of feelings and actions in men I know nothing about ...I am perhaps not allowed to know...At least in this case.
"Fräulein, don´t you think pink is a gorgeous colour? I am glad Father remembered it is my favourite" said Charlotte, a 12-year old romantic.
"Yes, Charlotte, your new suit is lovely."
"Wasn´t Aunt Caroline magnificent in that pink two-piece dress yesterday?!"
"Yes, dear..."
"Nuns don´t wear colours, do they, Fräulein...?"
"No, dear."
"It is odd how Father has been behaving lately. He is more thoughtful, and yet forgets things. He was going to give these presents for us yesterday evening, but he forgot, can you imagine! He said to me he was so preoccupied with something that bothers him....Does that ever happen to you, Fräulein?"
Lizzy wasn´t sure if it had ever happened to her ....before.
"In the past he spent less time with us during recreation hours. Now he has definitely been more together with us than ever. He seems happier, but yet he talks less. Sometimes I laugh at his stupidity..."
"Do you think he might be in love, Fräulein?" Charlotte hopefully ventured.
"I really can´t say, Charlotte. But I am glad that you children are so kind and polite to Aunt Caroline..."
"Oh, Aunt Caroline..." snorted Charlotte dismissively. "But she is beautiful, isn´t she?!"she eagerly continued.
The kids were swimming during the afternoon break. Lizzy was sitting on the pier, taking care that the smallest kids stayed in the shallow water. The happy noise they created was also her concern....But they had their father´s permission, so....
Captain walked leisurely on the bank.
" A fine day, Fräulein Elizabeth, isn´t it."
"Good afternoon, Captain."
He sat down. He leant back and let his elbows hang on the rail of the bench and he good-humouredly commented on Catherine´s efforts to learn to swim with Charles' help.
"How do you like our new swimming cabin, Fräulein?"
"Oh it is a fine thing! Really, good for the kids... " she stopped embarrassed.
"Good. Your good opinion is harder to get so I appreciate it."
Elizabeth felt all the awkwardness of her situation. She felt sorry for every saucy word and ungracious thought she had directed towards the Captain.
"Captain, I am still so sorry...I shouldn´t have...I always jump to conclusions."
"Never mind, you had no way of knowing. Detection was not in your power, suspicion not your inclination. " He was clearly thinking of Wickham, but her mind was more painfully occupied with her other reprimand - his behaviour towards his children.
Fitzwilliam and Charlotte started to beg the Captain to join their fun.
"Dad, jump in!"
Lizzy thought this was a little bit too much.
"Kids, don´t bother your father. "
"Charlotte, I would come but I have no swimsuit."
"Oh yes, you have.... there are some swimming trunks in the cabin. "
"Okey, I´ll go and fetch some."
"You´ll need none, remember how we used to swim in The Adriatic Sea...!"
"Fitz, take care..." he warned as he rose.
Too late for warnings...he was caught by the ankle by Fitzwilliam and fell into the lake.
For a moment everybody was frozen in horror at the presumed reaction. But soon everybody was in hysterics.
Captain also laughed. But he also decidedly wanted to get out of the water.
Elizabeth took his hand and pulled him to the pier. A strong grip and he nearly swung towards her on his last step. Water was dripping from his white shirt and he was still laughing.
Elizabeth´s face was suddenly flushed as she noticed his splendid form and muscular build. She lowered her eyes not daring to meet his.
"Sorry, I am making you wet, too, Fräulein" he said wiping his face and forehead.
Oh, he looks like a god of the sea in this less formal attire. I remember some early Grecian sculpture I sneaked in to see in the Vienna museums after getting bored with endless Pietas. Dying Jesus in the lap of Mary... no dying Jesus, this man...Oh help Mary!
"What is the matter? Didn´t you know I was in the submarines during the war?" he tried to ease the situation, which was after all, not one a master should expose himself to in front of his paid servants. Lizzy was a horrified and...pleased at the same time. He seemed to prove himself a not-so-rigid head of the family. But he was proving it at a speed that amazed even himself, it seemed.
"Oh Georg! You´re all right? What has happened?"
Baroness Bingley had arrived. How long had she been standing there? Mildly curious...and clearly disapproving?
"Nothing much, Caroline. I was just exercising my old profession...being under the water...with the generous help of my children."
Caroline looked from the one to the another dismissively. Then she decided to take charge of the situation. She giggled.
"Fräulein Elizabeth, could you give me a towel. Georg, let me dry your hair...now there...a little bit of your back too...good.." Captain was beginning to be a bit embarrassed.
"Now, Caroline, ehmm...shall we go inside. Give me the towel. "
He turned anxiously to Elizabeth who wore her most nun-like see-nothing-hear-nothing expression.
"Would you please take this towel, Fräulein? Thank you. Caroline, shall we go...."
They strolled towards the house, but Lizzy heard the last remarks...
"...before I get cold. Those blasted children!"
"Oh yes, it is the children who caused this...you had no initiative. And I thought it was rather warm there."
"The water? No, it was cold...."
How could I ever think she would make him a proper wife?
Chapter 6 ~ Follow Every Rainbow
Some info about music: All arias are from Mozart. Susanna is a lady's maid with a Count harassing her, Despina a maid, too and Zerlina is one of Don Giovanni´s country girls.
The music evening was a success. Lizzy and Georgiana sang and accompanied alternately. The kids had been allowed to stay up a little longer than usual, in honour of the guests.
After they had performed Susanna and Despina and even some Zerlina they got a warm response. The Captain´s face showed general complaisance while watching the musicians and he rose from his seat and begged for more music. Father Collins clapped his hands and exclaimed: "Capital! Capital!".
Even the Baroness was benign and wanted to have her share in the conversation :
"Yes, thank you so much! The music is delightful, even if the plots of the operas seem to happen in a very confined and unvarying society. Always an officer or a gentleman chasing innocent country girls - a young farmer or even a wayward seminary student as a hero would be so much more modern and post-revolutionary. Don´t you think so, Georg? All the ranks should be presented, shouldn´t they?"
There was a hint of maliciousness in this innocent remark. The Captain turned on his heels and looked at the Baroness. Georgiana´s hands started to tremble and she even dropped some sheets of music on the floor. Lizzy was glad to be able to kneel down and pick it up for her. She, too, needed time to regain her composure. When the Captain´s eyes met hers, she could return the gaze with perfect evenness. His alarm was seemingly calmed by this. Then Lizzy bent down to Georgiana and continued the choice of the next song, and the other kids joined this conclave with eager whispers.
The Captain gave a short laugh.
"I congratulate you, Caroline, on your perceptiveness and liberal egalitarian ideas. "
"Why, thank you, Georg! You really know how to flatter a woman!" Her smile was inviting and she had the womanly way of talking to him las if there wasn't anybody else in the room...."Of course, my biting wit is one of my many inducements, isn´t it?"
"Certainly, Caroline."
"Captain, there is no doubt who is going to sing next." said Elizabeth.
"Yes?"
"You. The children´s vote is unanimous. "
"Oh no..."
The kids started to plead "please, Father" and Georgiana told him how well she remembered him singing that particular song they had in mind.
"But that was a very, very long time ago....! Well. All right."
Lizzy retreated to the remotest corner in the room. Fortunately it was dark there so she could sit unnoticed, her face in shade.
"I do not know what haunts me,
What saddened my mind all day;
An age-old tale confounds me,
A spell I cannot allay.
The air is cool and in twilight
The Rhine's dark waters flow;
The peak of the mountain in highlight
Reflects the evening glow.
There sits a lovely maiden
Above so wondrous fair,
With shining jewels laden,
She combs her golden hair.
It falls through her comb in a shower,
And over the valley rings
A song of mysterious power
That lovely maiden sings.
The boatman in his small skiff is
Seized by a turbulent love,
No longer he marks where the cliff is,
He looks to the mountain above.
I think the waves must fling him
Against the reefs nearby,
And that did with her singing
The lovely Loreley."*
The song seemed to caress her ears and she felt a new tumult of emotions run through her. Joy, fear, the sadness of lost love, hope.....
In the end of the song the Captain stood still, looking at Elizabeth. She felt like running away from the room.
"Oh Georg, what a lovely song!" The Baroness was never one to give time for unwanted silences.
"You should have told me, and I could have brought my recorder!" her snide remark suddenly turned into a soft kittenish tone of voice....
"I have an idea! Now that I am here, let´s fill the whole house with music. You should give a party for me. It is time I met some of your friends at last." She cleverly ingratiated herself.
"Please, Father, let´s have a party!" the children joined the chorus.
"My dear Georg, how wonderful to hear you sing. As I have always said to your uncle, the honourable Archbishop de Bourgh, there is no family in Austria that has so much natural taste or better enjoyment in music than his....." was Father Collins´s eloquent praise. " And let me assure you as your...temporary house chaplain... heehee...that a ball given by a man of character, such as yourself, to respectable people, can have no evil tendency."
The Captain consented. A party and a ball it was to be.
Elizabeth slept restlessly, dreaming of sea wawes taking her far away from Pemberley, shipwrecks, Zerlina giving her hand to Don Giovanni, a wicked fair-headed witch´s angry remarks to her and the children at the candy-house, which suddenly changed into Nonnberg church where the Captain was waiting for her near the altar with sad countenance and telling her to run, run, run before Archbishop de Bourgh would find out where they were .....
*Ich weiss nicht was soll es bedeuten
Dass ich so traurig bin
Ein Märchen aus alten Zeiten
Das kommt mir nicht aus dem Sinn
Die Luft is kühl und es dunkelt
Und ruhigt fliesst der Rhein
Der Gipfel des Berges funkelt
Im Abendsonnenschein
Die schönste Jungfrau sitzet
Dort oben wunderbar
Ihr goldnes Geschmeide belitzet
Sie Kämmt ihr goldnes Haar
Sie kämmt es mit goldenem Kamme
Und singt ein Lied dabei
Das hat eine wundersame
Gewaltige Melodei
Der Schiffer im kleinen Schiffe
Er greift es mit wildem Weh
Er schaut nicht die Felsenriffe
Er schaut nur hinauf in die Höh'
Ich glaube die Wellen verschlingen
Am Ende Schiffer und Kahn
Und das hat mit ihrem Singen
Die Lorelei getan
Heine: Loreley
Chapter 7 ~ 'Til You Find Your Dream
The Strauss waltzes filled the Pemberley house. The Darcy kids were watching the joyous, dancing adults from the garden door adjoining to the ball room.
"Oh, how many uncommonly pretty women I can see! I already feel so well acquainted with people here!" Charles sighed. He had been helping to receive the arriving guests.
"For my part, I see here no lady here, whom it would not be a punishment for me to dance with", commented Fitzwilliam crisply.
"You say that only because you´re afraid of them!" Charlotte teased him.
"Fool, only grown-up men are afraid of the ladies!" was Fitz´s decided answer.
"Oh, do you mean Father Collins!" Charlotte giggled.
"What are you children saying of Father Collins?" Lizzy asked, joining the kids.
She had been in the upper balcony, seeing the flow of important, well-dressed people arriving and meeting "Dear Georg, my old friend" and "the charming hostess Caroline, this is a pleasure indeed..." Somehow this had made her feel shabby and sad in her blue dress, second hand, leftover garment from the abbey.
"Have you not heard, Fräulein Elizabeth? Father Collins is going to join in this evening´s amusement, dancing. In fact, there he is,....perhaps he is looking for you, Fräulein!" Charlotte answered with some mingled mirth and hysterics which she tried hard to conceal.
"Oh there you are, dear sister Elizabeth," Father Collins was in full speed..."May I have the liberty of calling you "Sister"? After all, we are both of the spiritual rank...."
He had deprecating smirk on his greasy face. "I take this opportunity to ask you to dance this Ländler with me...."
"Are you sure archbishop DeBourgh would approve of it?" Lizzy desperately asked.
"Oh yes, he is of such generous Christian spirit that he wouldn´t object!"
The dance was not to be avoided, then. Lizzy just made sure that they were out of sight in the garden. Charlotte whispered to her: "I dare say you will find him agreeable" and retreated giggling.
"Do you know how to dance Ländler, Father?" Lizzy asked. "Oh, a little, you could teach me more...."
But it soon came clear that it was little indeed he could dance. "The other way, Father Collins!" she had to exclaim to him at least twice. Lizzy had all the mortification of an apologising and awkward partner.
"Allow me to have this dance, will you?" a deep voice broke the humiliating situation. Someone was tapping on Father Collins´s shoulder. Lizzy would have been in ecstasy by any release of her clumsy partner, but the helpful angel was...
"Bye all means, Georg, I won´t mind, you are the host of this evening, " Father Collins meekly obliged and retreated into the shadows of the garden. Lizzy received her new partner´s bow with a curtsy.
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men.*
"I didn´t know you knew Austrian folk dances, Captain", was Lizzy´s feeble comment, the last effort of trying to find her old self-confidence.
"Being an Austrian, I cherish them. I used to dance Ländler when I was a child."
"So did I..."
After that they remained...silent.
He danced with....determination? No...like a man who has singleness of purpose, like there wasn´t anything more important to do. Yet there was a gentleness in a way he led her and Lizzy found it extremely easy to make their steps and movements fit together. A hand met hand easily, their bodily movements mirrored each other perfectly, his hold on her waist was firm. The lightness and joy of life, which weren't characteristic to either of them, was now their realm, a happy kingdom. All the old grey ideas of duty and prudence were swept away...Lizzy found a butterfly, nay, a Cinderella inside her she had never known. The Prince Charming also seemed to be astonished with himself...and his Fair Lady.
The dance form allowed them to pull away and to come together many times. The lady's evasion was followed by the gentleman's rounds. There was keen delight in the Captains´s eyes when Lizzy´s head turned to him and turned away...In every coming together there seemed to be a homecoming happiness, that intensified into electricity as the dance went on....
Lizzy remembered dancing scenes in literature that had moved her, Emma with Knightley, Natasha with Duke Andrei....the flutter of her spirits was so intense she could not determine whether it was pleasure or pain.
If only you were to me like a brother, who was nursed at my mother´s breasts!
Then, if I found you outside,
I would kiss you,
And no-one would despise me.*
The turn now allowed Captain´s face stay near hers and their hands met in a dreamlike certainty.
His left arm is under my head
And his right arm embraces me.*
Lizzy became aware of the open yearning in his countenance, his lips betraying him with a little tremble. He slowed down and kept her close to him long after the music had invited to the next turn.
Place me like a seal over your heart,
Like a seal on your arm;
For love is strong as death,
Its jealousy unyielding as the grave
It burns like blazing fire,
Like a mighty flame.*
Lizzy freed herself from the almost-embrace. " I don´t... don´t remember any more," she said breathlessly and it wasn't from dancing.
The Captain didn´t say a word. He seemed to be in another world.
"What a charming couple you make!"
The spell was broken by the Baroness´s sarcastic remark. How long had she been standing there ? The children kept quiet, but Father Collins ventured hesitatingly: "Oh yes, such superior dancing is not often to be seen..."
"Fräulein, you are all red!" informed Charlotte.
"Am I?...I am not used to dancing."
The Captain recovered himself, at last.
"Ehmmm....isn´t it past the children´s bedtime?" he asked..
Lizzy gathered her flock and the Captain was directed inside from the garden by the Baroness.
Charlotte whispered, not inaudibly: "I dare say you did find THE OTHER ONE agreeable..."
* Song Of Songs
Chapter 8 ~ The not-so-good-natured gossiping Lucases
Author´s note:I put in here a little tribute to Julie Andrews who should have got the role of Eliza in My Fair Lady. That was her greatest musical-role on stage. My hint is quite easy to find...a cookie for the first to notice....
Lizzy returned from the nursery and she decided to take some fresh air before going back to the still bubbling party...Well, to be honest, her hot cheeks and restless mind would need much more than fresh air to calm down.... The discomposure of her spirits which that extraordinary dance had thrown Elizabeth into, could not be easily overcome.
Oh, I could have danced all night...no certainly not, I really shouldn´t have danced even the while I did...even he wanted to stop it...I am so scared...what are his affections and wishes? ...how I loved the way he led me....my vocation...the wows...the Baroness...how I feared the way he led me....the children...the Reverend Mother...His hand on the small of my back...I still feel it...
Lizzy sat on a little bench in the garden, and she suddenly woke from her thoughts when she heard her name mentioned. The window to the small hall was open, and nobody saw her sitting there behind the palm tree. The Gauleiter Lucas, Mrs. Lucas, Mrs. Hurst and the Baroness were having a conversation....
"So, dear Caroline, how is the arrangement with you and Georg progressing, ehhh? Quite a sweet lady, that governess Elizabeth. If I were you I would hurry...."
"Oh no, have no fear, Mr. Lucas. She is a novice and will return to Nonnberg soon" . Caroline had in fact noticed Lizzy outside, so there was a new gleam in her eyes when she continued deliberately, "There have always been some maids and governesses in Georg´s life, I suspect. But we are above that in our circles. It doesn´t affect our relationship at all, I assure you..."
"Not at all...?What a wise woman you are. There is even this rumour of her being in the Pudding Club, not very flattering for a Nonnberg novice..."
"Oh, the tell-tale news travels fast indeed. I would sooner blame the unsuitable connection with an ex-seminary student, Wickham, for that....She seems to have run quite wild here. Quite wild indeed...With Wickham, they'd make a nice couple...ex-priest and an ex-nun...." they were all laughing at the idea.." or soon-to-be-ex-nun".
"That is capital", interjected Mrs. Hurst.
"Well, sad business for Nonnberg, to be sure", Mrs. Lucas said.
"You wouldn't imagine Georg , a sensible, proud man of his social rank to pick up the left-overs slighted by other men..."
"So, Caroline, when DOES the certain desirable event take place? Do I hear wedding bells ringing?", said Mr. Lucas with a smirk on his face.
"All in good time, dear Mr. Lucas, in good time....In six months´ time, I expect."
"Can´t imagine you as a mother of seven children, my dear."
"Well, neither can I. Haven´t you ever heard of a nice institution called a "boarding school"?"
"Oh my dear Baroness Macchiavelli!! I would like to have your advice next time I am in Berlin. I need some enlightenment in politics, the St James Palace experience isn´t enough for my new duties anymore..."
The company walked away....Lizzy sat shaken, her cheeks now hot with shame and desperation...
Such vile people! Never have I been blamed so cruelly, never have I heard such slander!
But the most poisonous sting was the calm attitude and arrangement the Baroness and the Captain seemed to enjoy...It cannot be! And yet it must...Lizzy found no reason for it to be otherwise. She was shocked, grieved. And the rumours about her, so totally wrong and false.
The Captain...some of these allegations must reach his ears...if they haven´t done that already...oh, mortification! Oh I can´t stand it! I must get away from this house...
I don't belong into these ´circles´ and never want to....And the children! So sad..."
Lizzy went packing and left the house that evening. She walked to Nonnberg and arrived there in the middle of the night. She burst into tears when she saw Sister Gardiner.
She was nervous of how she would be welcomed at the abbey, but the sisters received her without questions.
Oh, never to have left this dear place! Never to have known this ache in my heart....
Never to have the memory of his strong arms and dark, vivid eyes....
Seit ich ihn gesehen,
Glaub ich blind zu sein;
Wo ich hin nur blicke,
Seh ich ihn allein;
Wie im wachen Traume
Schwebt sein Bild mir vor,
Taucht aus tiefstem Dunkel,
Heller nur empor.Since I first saw him,
I think I must be blind
Wherever I now look,
I see only him.
As in a trance
His image hovers before me,
Emerging from the deepest gloom
ever brighter.
Chapter 9
Sonst ist licht - und farblos
Alles um mich her,
Nach der Schwestern Spiele
Nicht begehr ich mehr,
Möchte lieber weinen,
Still im Kämmerlein;
Seit ich ihn gesehen,
Glaub ich blind zu sein.*All else is dark and colourless
In my surroundings.
My sisters´ games interest me no longer;
Ï would rather weep
Quietly in my room.
Since I first saw him,
I think I must be blind
After being in seclusion Lizzy was invited to see the Reverend Mother.
"Dear sister Elizabeth, how are you?" the shrewd old lady asked pensively. "I have been told that you are ...happy to return."
Lizzy nodded eagerly.
"And I have been told that...you are unhappy, too."
Lizzy let her head drop.
"Why did they send you away from Pemberley?"
"Oh, no he didn´t...they didn´t send me away. I left myself. I was scared."
"Scared? Were they unkind to you?"
"Oh no, he...nobody was unkind...well, yes she was unkind....no, I don´t know. I was confused. "
Lizzy sighed. It was so hard to explain.
"Sister Elizabeth, there is no reason to hide from you that I have received two letters concerning you. A report of most alarming nature reached me yesterday and today I got another letter. I will read today´s letter to you. It is from the younger Darcy kids...."
Lizzy was alarmed and interested....
"´Dear Sisters, could you tell sister Elizabeth to come back. Give her our love, please. We need her. Charlotte, Anne and Catherine von Darcy. P.S. Tell her Father looks so sad now.´" The Reverend Mother looked at her. And she was a woman of some looks....
Lizzy was in quite a flutter. She couldn´t comment....
"And the alarming report is from.....Archbishop de Bourgh. "
Lizzy swallowed hard. "What does he have to say...?"
"Well, to make a long story short, he warns me never to allow you to get near Pemberley anymore. `The reputation of a good Catholic family can´t be thus polluted ...` `you must use utmost discretion, the death of a young nun would be a blessing in comparison to this` .....´I am always excessively attentive to all things of this kind´.
AND he advises me not to let you take your wows and suggests that you should be expelled from the abbey. Yours cordially ..mmmm...the usual rubbish...Well, Lizzy, what can this all mean? Archbishop seems to be heavily influenced by an old busybody called Father Collins, whom I don´t trust a bit..."
Lizzy was silent for a while. Then tearfully she bit the bullet and told the whole, incoherent story.
"So, you see, Reverend Mother, I was right to come back, wasn´t I? I was there on God´s errand and couldn´t fulfill my duty wholeheartedly anymore. And the gossip..." Lizzy shuddered. As she told her story, she became aware how messy her own thoughts and actions had been. But...
" You understand, I can´t see him anymore, can I ?"
Hearing the rumours, the Captain could be expected nothing else than shrink from any connection with me. But... I am jealous of his esteem, then I can no longer hope to be benefited by it. I want to hear of him, when there seems to be the least chance of gaining the intelligence. I am convinced that I would have been happy with him; when it is no longer likely we should meet.
The Reverend Mother made it clear that she fully believed the rumours were blatantly untrue. After that, she sat silent for a long time. Then she gently asked:
"Elizabeth, are you in love with Captain von Darcy?"
Lizzy jerked as if she was touched with hot iron. "No.Yes...Nooooo! Ohh, I don´t know!"she whined desperately.
If I am not in love with him, why do I right now remember his deep voice? His ..mmmm...arms around me? But I feel at loss with everything....the Baroness....
"Elizabeth, the love between a man and and a woman is also a holy bond. Therefore...I must send you back to Pemberley. ..the abbey is not meant to use as a hiding place."
"Oh, please, let me stay here, I will be good, I will take my wows..."
"Sister Elizabeth, you don´t take your wows with muddled mind and wavering will. And not as a prize for good conduct. Surely you have learned that during your time as a novice?"
"Yes, Mother".
"Now, go and serve your God by fulfilling your duty in Pemberley."
* Schumann (Chamisso, lyrics): Frauenliebe und -leben.
Chapter 10 ~ "God's Will Knows No Why"
Author´s note: The name of the chapter is directly from the Trapp book
"Fräulein Elizabeth is back, she is back!"
The Darcy children beamed with joy and bubbled questions to Elizabeth, who had recently arrived from the abbey.
"Fräulein Elizabeth, we have practised songs, do you want to hear?"
"I can swim 2 meters, do you hear me, Fräulein?" insisted little Catherine.
"Fitzwilliam has been learning how to dance, can you imagine?"
"But I have danced only with my sisters so far. That is not REAL dancing, "Fitwilliam defended himself.
"What would you call real dancing, Fitz? The Father-Collins-version with Fräulein Elizabeth?" Charlotte teased.
Everybody laughed.
"So, is Father Collins still here?" Elizabeth inquired carefully. The children didn´t respond at once and seemed sort of self-conscious...
"Oh, welcome back, Fräulein Elizabeth!" Mrs. Reynolds came to greet Lizzy. "No, Father Collins and Baroness Bingley have left for Vienna. And Captain von Trapp, too. We are expecting him back tomorrow."
So, that´s that.
"Father said that he had some business he wanted to discuss with Archbishop de Bourgh..." Charlotte hinted, looking at Elizabeth.
"Now, children, you supper is ready. Give Fräulein Elizabeth time to unpack and let her rest from the trip," Mrs. Reynolds commanded.
The kids left the room and the good housekeeper took Lizzy´s bags and whispered to her, "Let´s see if we are going to have a wedding...or not."
I feel all the more the usual awkwardness in this situation. Oh the futility of coming back to this house! Well, anyway, he knows I am coming back. It would be easy for him to make an excuse for not returning now. After all, I am due back to Nonnberg in a month's time. So, I shall judge him by his conduct... If he had been wavering before, as to what he should do, which often seemed likely, the advice of near relation, Archbishop, might settle the doubt...oh merciful God, help!
Lizzy went to bed miserable and not even the teddy bear Catherine had left in her room as a welcome gift could make her laugh. "Perhaps I should get better spiritual counselors than Charlotte and the Reverend Mother," she thought bitterly.
The next day the Captain arrived. There was a new relaxed easiness in his way of welcoming his children, who were noisy and affectionate as usual. After giving a congratulatory pinch upon Fitz´s nose when hearing of his newly acquired dancing skills he came to greet Elizabeth with Catherine in his arms...and that is where the composure stopped.
"Good afternoon, Fräulein Elizabeth. I am happy to that you have returned."
Is he? He certainly doesn't look like it. He is serious and careful.
The conversation continued with the help of Mrs. Reynolds and the children. He hardly said a word to Elizabeth and she dared not to look at him except for a glance or two. The colour that had been driven from her face from the intense anticipation of this meeting was back with intense blush, and she concentrated on her needlework with an eagerness which it did not often command.
He looks....good. *Sigh*. As ever. He certainly doesn't look like a happily engaged man. But that is not the point of that marriage, is it?...Oh, teasing, teasing man! Why, if he came back to be silent, grave and indifferent, did he come back at all!
In the evening Lizzy went to the summer chapel to pray and meditate. The standard method of Nonnberg of how to deal with distress and sense of being forlorn. When she rose from the bench, she heard a hesitant voice from the door...
"Sorry, I sort of figured you might be here...I hope I didn't interrupt you..." The Captain was standing there , leaning on the frame of the chapel door.
"No, I was just going back to the house," was Lizzy´s non-committal answer. "Did you want something?"
He had sat on the bench on the chapel porch. He seemed irresolute. "Want? Yes, I wanted to talk with you about something. You see, I went to Vienna to see Archbishop De Bourgh..."
Oh God, now it is coming...
"I thought I should...well...tell you personally...." He had on his mind something, yes, that was clear...
"I wanted to make sure that our Archbishop really knows how greatly we have appreciated your work here at Pemberley. And that there is no truth in...some unfavourable gossip that has been going around. It is partly my fault. I should have been more open when dealing with Wickham and... If I had not thought myself and my reputation to be above such necessary precautions, many of us would have been spared feeling ill used and unhappy. Georgiana, Archbishop, myself...and you."
Lizzy was perplexed. But her relief was immense, when she finally got the meaning of this brave little speech. "Captain, I don't think you have so much to blame yourself about..."
"Yes, I think I have! But the political situation makes us all cowardly and dishonest... That is the worst effect of this war-mongering and spying and..." He seemed agitated and Lizzy realized, not for the first time, that here was a man of integrity and that is why he seems to be so strained.
"Oh you don't know the shallowness of the Vienna society...!" he continued intensely. But then he seemed to realize whom he was talking to and became collected once more. "Well, what would you know about that."
How I adore that smile on his face...
"You are an innocent novice. I won't burden you with my ugly world. But I wanted to make it certain that you are free to return to the abbey clean-hearted and with no blemish on your reputation." The Captain had the air of the man who has performed his duty and found little joy in it. There seemed to be some heaviness on his mind, like saying this demanded his whole determination. But that escaped Lizzy´s attention at this moment...
"I am very grateful. Oh, and I am glad to return to the abbey!" she cried.
"Are you..??" He seemed suddenly hurt.
"No. Yes. Only...I will miss the children."
"Only the children?"
"No. Yesss!! Isn´t it right I would miss the children?" she demanded breathlessly.
"Yes, yes, of course...only...I thought...you might have...perhaps..."
He lingered nervously like a schoolboy. There was a vulnerability about him that Lizzy found quite endearing.
"Yes..?"she asked hopefully.
The Captain seemed now to have reached some unpleasant decision. He rose.
"Well I wish you the best of luck in your vocation." There was sadness and weariness in his manner, when he offered a handshake. But his voice was suddenly very gentle when he added: "God bless you, Fräulein!"
Lizzy couldn't take this in. She ventured: "And I will pray for your happiness...and the children's...and the Baroness's."
"Elizabeth..."he was watching her inquiringly..."There isn't going to be any baroness." He wouldn't let her hand go. She was only too aware of the warmth of his hand enclosing hers.
"No baroness?"
Yes, we never had any arrangement, if that is what you have heard. There is to be no marriage. Our ways of life differ very much...she is an old family friend, but..." There was an apologetic distance in his manner as if he found it hard right now even to think of the subject. His eyes were searching hers hungrily...
"Oh, I am sorry..."
"Are you?!" Now he was demanding. His grip on her hand hardened.
"Yes. No. No arrangement?!
The Captain took a deep breath and became resolute. "Oh to heck with the Baroness! Elizabeth, you are too generous to trifle with me..." he was lost in her inviting eyes and his hand was caressing her chin..."I can think only of you...you alone...I CAN´T marry anyone else...when I am in love with you? Can I?"
"No, you cannot..."
Then he expressed his feelings as ardently as a man violently in love can do. All the smouldering fire of the last months was in their first kiss.
Somehow his passionate embrace and hungry mouth made it clear to Lizzy that without doubt she was the number one object of his desire...and had been for a long time. All her jealousy and uncertainty melted away. Her hands slid up and down his back, feeling his taut muscles move beneath her hands. His shoulders, neck, ears, dark hair...how good he feels! she exulted.
Recovering from the bliss of the moment Lizzy found the strength to mumble to his shoulder: "I never knew it could be like this."
"I am glad I may be in a position to teach you something you never knew...", whispered mischievously, gently brushing her hair back from her brow, enjoying the soft feel of her curls..."after all things you have taught me...or brought back to life for me again."
"Like dancing Austrian folk dances?"
"You want to teach me some more..? I thought I was rather good at that."
"Yes, you were. And right now I have this inclination to dance Scottish reel and yodel at the same time! "
He roared with pleasure. "Please, don't! But we are good in music, too...together.."
"Ich kann´s nicht fassen, nicht glauben..."
"Es hat ein Traum mich berückt," he continued in low voice...
"Wie hätt er doch unter allen"
"mich Arme erhöht und begluckt...." *
The rest was lost in the tender kiss and increasingly ardent embrace they shared
"When I came to this house from the abbey, I felt like I was sent into exile..."
"And do the dark waters of the bitterness of exile threaten to engulf you now? he inquired in his velvety voice, which seemed to hold a new-found peace in it, despite the mocking words.
"I wouldn´t call this bitter..."
"Oh, you wouldn´t, would you!" he chuckled...."That is a comfort!"
"I feel more like Ruth. ´Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay´."
If Lizzy had been able to see his face , she would have been amazed to see how heartfelt delight became him. Then he turned grave and sad again.
"I am afraid the exile is in fact the only option for us", he sighed.
"Yet, there is one thing we are good at..." the Captain confided with inward laugh.
"Raising the children?"
"Yes. Mine...ours. Our children that are yet to come."
Lizzy was glad his shoulder hid her blushing face, while he caressed her fingers. And kissed her Nonnberg -ring...
"Elizabeth..."
"Mmmmm..."
"Is there any possibility I could...be your vocation? I would gladly elevate your soul into heavenly proportions...Will you marry me?"
"Yes...Let it be...if it is God´s will."
"Charlotte said you might consent...I 'm glad she was right!"
"You didn´t consult Charlotte about me?!" she cried in disbelief.
"Didn´t you consult the Reverend Mother?"
"Touché. Kiss me once more...".she murmured and raised her face to him once more.
"With pleasure, Madam".
THE END.
Mir war's, er habe gesprochen:
O laß im Traume mich sterben,
I can't grasp it, nor believe it,
It seemed to me, as if he spoke,
O let me die in this dream,*Ich kann's nicht fassen, nicht glauben
Es hat ein Traum mich berückt;
Wie hätt er doch unter allen
Mich Arme erhöht und beglückt?
"Ich bin auf ewig dein,"
Mir war's - ich träume noch immer,
Es kann ja nimmer so sein.
Gewieget an seiner Brust,
Den seligsten Tod mich schlürfen
In Tränen unendlicher Lust.
a dream has bewitched me,
how should he, among all the others,
lift up and make happy poor me?
"I am thine eternally",
It seemed - I dream on and on,
It could never be so.
cradled on his breast,
let the most blessed death drink me up
in tears of infinite bliss.
(Shumann -Chamisso: Fraueliebe und -leben)