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Part 1
September 4, 1812
The most appalling thing has happened! Bingley has decided to take possession of that house we saw in the country...Netherfield, I believe is what it is called. I have no objection to the house itself. It is reasonably sized with good hunting grounds and an excellent view. But the society...I shudder to even think of what he is getting into. The owner of the house, named Mr. Morris lacked proper breeding and was most comical. I dare say the rest of Meryton, the small town in the vicinity, is not much better. I tried to dissuade Bingley from this venture, but he was firm. That is not like him at all, so I must conclude that he really wishes to settle in that house.
Bingley invited me to stay with him at Netherfield and after much deliberation, I accepted. I dare not leave Bingley in a society where he might be tempted and do something rash and precipitate as usual. Especially, after that incident with Lady Ashley. No, I think it would be for the best if I accompanied him and kept him out of trouble. I am sick of London as it is. This change will be welcome, I suppose. Returning to Pemberley is out of question at this point of time. Who will I go to when Georgiana is with Mrs. Annesley?
Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you see it, Bingley has also invited his sisters Ms. Bingley and Mrs. Hurst and the latter's husband, Mr. Hurst. While their company will provide relief and comfort to our party, I cannot say that they are the most agreeable companions in my entire circle of acquaintances. To be sure, Ms. Bingley and Mrs. Hurst are very elegant. But they lack the strength of character and intelligence to be interesting companions. And of course, Ms. Bingley is most insistent in continuing her marked attentions to myself after all my subtle hints. Upon my honor, if she weren't Bingley's sister, I would say something directly! But that is out of question. I must bear her "attacks" with equanimity. At any rate, she will shield me from all the young ladies of Meryton who will undoubtedly seek me out.
As for Hurst, he is, without doubt, the dullest man I've ever known. He eats, drinks, hunts and sleeps. There is no more to his life than that. I wonder how his wife bears him, but I suppose the lure of a comfortable income was too much for her to resist. It is a sad situation, but she got herself into it with open eyes. Well, I suppose they will be my companions for the next few weeks, at least.
Bingley wishes to settle in Netherfield before Michaelmas. We are to conclude all our businesses in town before we leave for Hertfordshire. He is in very good spirits, but then when is he not? I just smile and agree with him when he says with certainty that his stay there will be pleasant. I know Bingley too well. He will get bored of the place in a few weeks and I'm certain that we will all find ourselves bound for town ere long. But I hesitate to point that out just now since he will staunchly defend himself and will try to prove me wrong. I suppose I take care of Bingley, always have.
I am determined, therefore, to say nothing of the matter and just watch how it all progresses. I will not inconvenience myself by trying to be pleasant to the locals. That would only encourage all the fortune-hunting ladies and I do not wish for any more attention than I already receive. I will be impatient to return to town, I am sure. After all, what can Hertfordshire possibly have to offer that might interest me in any way?
Yours, Fitz
Part 2
September 11, 1812
I have now spent an entire week at Hertfordshire and can say with conviction that this place holds no interest for me whatsoever. The chief of our time here was spent in getting acquainted with the neighbors and that was an ordeal in itself. I suppose that being the simpleton that he is, Bingley does not realize that we both are an object of prey for every matchmaking mother within a ten-mile radius. Every visitor looked at us and our surrounds with greedy eyes asking all sorts of questions about our fortune. It is so obvious that we are to have no peace here, but of course, Bingley does not see that. He insists that the neighbors are all delightful people and only take joy at being able to welcome us into their society. Oh I'm sure they take joy!! At gaining two gentlemen with large fortunes for their daughters!!
Bingley returned many visits but I did not accompany him. I told him that I could not be bothered by such civilities to people whom I despised and who would as soon dislike me. I see that once I make it clear that I am not an available catch for young ladies, I become an object of intense dislike in the neighborhood. I am far from taking offense at that. At least, being unpopular leaves me at peace and I need not protect myself from possible artful ladies and their conniving mothers. I am far more worried about Bingley since he is taken in quite easily. A few pretty words, a smile and he is gone! Goodness knows when he'll learn his lesson and discover how to guard his heart as well as I have.
Tomorrow we leave for town to conclude our business. We will also meet Miss Bingley and Mr. And Mrs. Hurst there. Bingley tells me that they are all too happy to stay with us at Netherfield, but I suspect there is more to it than brotherly love. Miss Bingley will be glad to preside her brother's house and table. And as for the Hursts, any chance to live in luxury at Bingley's expense must be welcome. I did not share my views with Bingley because I know that he would be hurt. As far as he is concerned, they just want to spend time with him and so I'll let him continue to think in that manner...if it makes him happy.
September 15, 1812
It is strange and I never thought I'd admit it, but I rather miss the country now that I am in town. I miss the open country space and the gentle breeze. I miss riding out for hours without seeing another soul. I miss Pemberley. I find that this summer's ordeal has made me more vulnerable. I worry about Georgiana more than ever before. I find myself questioning my adeptness as a guardian. After all, Georgiana has being scarred for life due to my negligence and I can never forgive myself for that. It was my fault, solely and I must live with that guilt forever.
I called on her today for the last time before I left for Hertfordshire. She seems happy enough, but I could detect a hint of unhappiness in her eyes. Even as she talked of her favorite new piece she was playing on her piano, I could sense that she was still not over HIM. I have vowed not to mention his name ever. That foul fiend! God knows where he is or who he's harming now! He probably has no guilt whatsoever at destroying the happiness and confidence of a young girl who trusted him. His escapades continue to astonish me! I cannot believe I ever had any faith in him. And if he ever dares to interfere in my life...so help me god!
But I must try to forget all that happened. That is why it is good that I'm going away. I dare say I'll never see him again and Hertfordshire is a perfect medicine. Although it is not the most interesting place in the world, it will keep all the memories away. It pains me to see Georgiana like this...so shy and distant even to her brother. It is amazing what one traumatic incident can do to the human spirit...but I can do nothing but sigh and hold my peace. That is what's most frustrating.
September 16, 1812
It has been a tiring day and I cannot believe Bingley! He has accepted an invitation to a country dance!!! And it is to be held tomorrow. At first I staunchly refused to go. I will have nothing to do with an event so repulsive. But then Bingley was really adamant. He persisted and persisted and then I gave in. It will do no good to leave Bingley to his own devices in a place where fortune-hunting ladies abound. Oh! I know that I will have the most horrible time but I am resolved to hold my own and withstand all attacks. In our party, only Bingley is looking forward to the ball since the rest of us are well aware of the horror that will surely ensue.
September 17, 1812
How can I even begin to relate all that I had to endure tonight?! Let me start at the beginning. We arrived at the ball at a fashionably late hour, meaning all but our own party was assembled there. As soon as I entered, I felt conspicuous. Every eye was on us and the music had stopped. I was very uncomfortable. Then a comically ridiculous man by the name of Sir Lucas came forward to welcome us. Thankfully, the attention was diverted from us as the music commenced. The next 3 hours were pure agony!
We were introduced to more people than I care to count and not one of them was decent by any account. They all were unfashionable and lacked gentility. As I had predicted, ladies flocked around us, but they were sure to be disappointed...by me, anyway. I refused to dance with any of the locals. I danced twice...once with Miss Bingley and once with Mrs. Hurst. And that was all. I do not care what everyone thinks of me. If I came across as disagreeable, so much the better. I was forced to attend a tasteless event and hopefully I laid all the concerned mamas to rest. There will be no match here!
As for Bingley...well that's an entirely different story. He enjoyed himself immensely, I dare say. He danced every dance and charmed the locals. He danced a lot with one girl in particular...a Miss Jane Bennet. She is a very pretty girl, I acknowledge, but she smiles too much. I admit that she seems very artless and a good sort of girl. There is nothing to fear from her as long as Bingley doesn't fall in love again. She is the eldest of 5 daughters, I believe. The mother was quick to inform us of that herself. She is quite insufferable! Even Bingley agrees though he does not say so directly. She was loud, obnoxious and made no secret of the fact that she was trying to marry off her girls. I did not expect much from the company, but Mrs. Bennet's open attacks even shocked me! She even tried to make ME dance with her second daughter! Heaven save us from that woman!
One incident stands out in my memory of the horrid evening. As I was standing, observing the dance, Bingley excused himself from his partner and came to me to persuade me to dance. Of course, I refused. But Bingley did not stop at that. He pointed out the second Miss Bennet, who was sitting by herself and said that I should dance with her!! I wish Bingley did not do things like that since he knows me too well. I told him firmly that Miss Bennet was not handsome enough to tempt me and I did not wish to give consequence to young ladies that were slighted by other men. He went away promptly.
I stole a glance at Miss Bennet. She seemed to have overheard me because she walked purposely close to me to her friend. The next moment they were both giggling and I cannot help thinking that they were laughing at me. It is very puzzling. No one has ever laughed at me and I don't think I did anything funny either! I would have expected her to be hurt, but not amused. It is very strange. I found myself thinking about that incident on my way home. I found out that her name is Elizabeth...hmmm....Miss Elizabeth Bennet...how very strange! This visit might prove interesting after all.
Part 3
September 20, 1812
Life in the country is very serene. Some people might call it dull, but I have always preferred quiet country retirement to the bustle of town. Even as a little boy, I always loved being at Pemberley whenever I could. Eton was fun, of course, but there's nothing like home. It saddens me to see Pemberley now. It's so lonely and desolate...it lacks life and warmth. Ever since mother died, it doesn't feel like home anymore. It is simply a house with a lifelong worth of memories.
Hertfordshire is not all bad, I suppose. Bingley is a very thoughtful host, always attentive to my comforts. But if there was any way to deflect Miss Bingley's attention from myself, my comfort would be, indeed, complete. She follows me around the house whenever any opportunity presents itself. When I go t walk in the shrubbery, she finds me "accidentally". How, I ask myself, does she know where I am at all times? I try to be as inconspicuous as possible, yet she never fails to happen upon me. Maybe she has bribed one of the servants to keep tabs on me? Dawkins? I shall have to look into the matter.
Even as I try and run from Miss Bingley, I cannot help wondering how long I will have to keep running and hiding. Is there no possibility that I shall ever find a woman who I can truly love and respect? I do not suppose there is. I have yet to meet a woman who excites my interest in any way. They are all truly insipid and only want me for my money. There are no exceptions. That much I have learnt. Why can I not have what my parents had? Is that too much to ask?
Enough of self-pity. I have to write to Georgiana and Fitzwilliam. They are probably anxious to hear of my impressions of Hertfordshire. Well, they shall hear it. The country is rather nice, but the society is intolerable.
September 24, 1812
Tonight we attended an assembly at Sir Lucas'. It was....entertaining, I suppose. The Bennet family was there. I mention that because it seems that Bingley is becoming rather attached to the eldest Miss Bennet. He was by her side practically the entire evening; talking, laughing, dancing. She is a lovely lady, no doubt, but she lacks something...I do not know what. She accepts his attentions as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She does not show any feelings for him at all. Just distant politeness. I shall have to watch out for Bingley.
Miss Elizabeth Bennet was there as well. I mention it because she sang for us on the request of her friend, Miss Lucas. Her performance is not the best, nothing like Georgiana's really. But her manner and overall air is such that one has no choice but to be pleased. In fact, she is a very proficient musician. That is more than I can say for Miss Mary Bennet, who insisted on playing for the party and with her feeble voice and inconsiderable talents, listening to the entire song was a trial in itself. I would rather listen to Miss Elizabeth any day. Not that I prefer her in any way, but it is a refreshing change to hear her play.
The evening ended with dancing. Miss Mary played for the younger Bennet sisters and some officers and Bingley joined in soon with Miss Bennet. I was determined not to join in such a display for I wanted to stay away from Miss Bingley and there was no other suitable lady in the room. Except...well... anyway, I was standing in the corner when Sir Lucas joined me, quite uninvited, and started talking on the merits of dancing. I replied as shortly as politeness would permit. And as he was insisting that I dance, Miss Elizabeth Bennet walked in our direction.
Sir Lucas, bless the man, addressed Miss Bennet, asking her to dance with me. I could not be rude, so I politely asked for her hand expecting, of course that she would accept. But she did not. She drew back her hand and refused! She said something about not intending to dance, smiled and walked away. I was stunned. No one ever refuses me! I should have been offended, I suppose, but strangely enough, I found myself smiling. I followed her with my eyes for the remainder of the evening. She did not dance with anyone, only talked with ease and friendliness. I felt glad of that for some reason. I would not have wanted her to dance with anyone else if she refused me.
I do not know if I have mentioned this before, but she has the most beautiful, dark eyes I have ever come upon. They sparkle with warmth and spirit, especially when she teases. They laugh when she laughs and smile when she smiles. It is truly amazing. I could look at her eyes forever. They attract me and capture my attention. How could I have overlooked them before, I do not know. In retrospect, Miss Elizabeth is not so bad looking after all. There is something so pleasing and inviting about her countenance and smile that one cannot help but be delighted. She is so unassuming and artless, at least, she appears to be thus. All the fashionable society ladies can learn a thing or two from her.
The highest point of the evening was when Miss Bingley came up to me and asked what I was looking at. I answered with perfect aplomb: Miss Elizabeth Bennet. And for the first time in my entire acquaintance with her, Miss Bingley was shocked; dumbfounded! She smiled falsely and wished me joy and then, she was off. I was amazed! If this is the effect Miss Bennet has on Miss Bingley, I would not mind having Miss Bennet near me more often...not because I want her near me....just because of the effect she has.
September 27, 1812
Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst have invited Miss Jane Bennet for dinner tomorrow. Poor Bingley...he really wants to stay, but we have other dinner engagements. It seems like he's falling in love with Miss Bennet. But he is safe at the moment, I hope. It does not seem that bad. I dare say he will get over it soon enough, especially with the way she treats him. I wonder if Miss Elizabeth will accompany her sister. Hmmm...it's just normal curiosity. I do not want her to come. Even if she does, I probably won't see her as I'll be away for dinner. It's not like I want to see her. She just destroys my peace of mind. Yes, I'd much rather not see her. But, then, why do I feel so disappointed?
September 28, 1812
The most amazing thing has occurred. On her way to Netherfield, Miss Jane Bennet was caught in the rain and now has a horrible cold. It is suspicious really...how did she just happen to be riding on a horse when the sky was particularly overcast? I could not shake the feeling that she did this on purpose. But when I saw her, all that went away. Miss Bennet may be quiet and aloof, but she is not a liar. Seeing how miserable she was, I was really ashamed of my feelings. I do not know why I am becoming so cynical...it is the influence of town on me.
The apothecary was called in and he pronounced Miss Bennet very ill indeed. The last of my suspicions faded away. I was quite anxious about her. But he said that she would be fine if the proper attention was given to her. She cannot be moved at the present. Bingley was beside himself with worry. He has ordered the best room and service for her. He is so concerned that I almost feel like this could be 'it', the true love we all crave. But the tragedy is that I am sure she does not regard him in the same manner. Poor Bingley. He has never been lucky in the matters of the heart, but then, neither have I.
Miss Bingley has offered to write to Miss Bennet's family tomorrow. She is being a good host, which surprises me a great deal. But perhaps, she is capable of more genuine emotion than I was aware of. At any rate, Miss Bennet will stay here for the next few days. I wonder if any of her family will visit her...some of her sisters, maybe? Of course, it does not matter to me either way.
September 29, 1812
The sky had cleared up after yesterday's storm and I ventured outside for a walk. My thoughts turned upon the sick Miss Bennet, and from there to her sister, Miss Elizabeth, as I notice it often does these days. I was just thinking about her as I walked, when who should almost bump into me but the lady in question! Imagine my astonishment! I dare say I blushed since I almost felt like she knew that I was thinking about her. She was surprised to see me as well. I cannot say whether she was pleased, though. It seems like she walked 3 miles to get here! All by herself! She asked me stiffly to show her in to her sister and walked resolutely in front of me.
And she looked...well...I cannot find words for it. Her face was flushed with the warmth of the exercise. Her hair bounced as a few errant curls escaped, unruly. Her dark eyes danced as she flashed me an inscrutable look. I followed her without a word, inhaling her fragrance. I was aware of her every movement, every step. It was intoxicating and I was anxious to be away from her. She affects me in an unimaginable way and I am not sure if I like it. The conversation between us was almost non-existent, for which I was thankful. My mind had too many things on it without adding the inconvenience of polite conversation.
Once inside, she went in straight to see her sister. Miss Bennet was very sick indeed and it appears she did not want her sister to leave. The result...Miss Elizabeth Bennet is to stay at Netherfield. My feelings were mixed. Although I enjoy her company, I do not know if I can survive being close to her for so long.... But it is not for me to make that decision. Miss Bingley was very abusive of Miss Bennet, especially criticizing her solitary 3-mile walk across the country. Always the sweet gentleman, Bingley defended her amicably. I made no comment as I knew that my true opinion, if discovered, would not be well received.
Later that evening, she came back down to join us. Somehow or the other we ended up having a debate on the accomplishments of ladies and I found, much to my surprise, that she can be very witty and hold her own in an argument. Very impressive! Miss Bingley kept trying to attract my attention and I found that it annoyed me more than usual. Was it because I wanted to pay all my attention to another?
The evening ended all too soon and we left for our separate chambers. She is a puzzle...why am I so attracted to her? I cannot answer that question. Oh, I wish she just left. Of all the places in the world, she has to live within 3 miles of Bingley's new house! Just my luck. This is so discomfiting. I do not think I am enjoying it at all... but, oh she's so......oh! I think I should go to bed now... this is doing me no good. Maybe tomorrow, she will not seem so...tempting?
Part 4
September 30, 1812
Miss Elizabeth Bennet shall plague me no more. I am certain of it. There is no reason why she should. I am a grown man and can take charge of my emotions. And I do not feel anything for her! A passing fancy, that's what it was. The day began with Mrs. Bennet visiting Miss Bennet. I have yet to meet a more effusive, silly woman! She would not stop about how good Bingley is to her "dear Jane." Poor Miss Elizabeth, though. I could see how ashamed and humiliated she was. It must be terrible living in such a home, such a family. It's a great pity, indeed.
But I must say, Bingley is getting quite enamored with Miss Bennet. He never ceases to talk about her. I must admit, I have not seen him so much in love before. He visits her room at least twice a day and is miserable when he can't. He personally supervises her meals and I know the servants are gossiping about the prospect of having a new mistress in the house. I dare say Miss Bingley feels threatened by that! If he asks her, Miss Bennet will say yes, of that I'm sure. But will she make him happy? I think not. Let us just hope it doesn't come to that.
This evening, I got into another debate with Miss Elizabeth Bennet. I cannot even remember what it was about, but I do remember that she was charming. She is so witty, have I mentioned that before? Well...it astonishes me because I have seldom met women who have upheld their own opinion in defiance of me. And that is what intrigues me. It is as if she does not even acknowledge who I am. It does not matter to her that I have 10,000 pounds a year or that my estate is grand. She judges me for who I am. If only...
Well, I asked her to dance a reel with me tonight...in a jest. She looked at me in her usual arch manner and refused! That is TWO times I have been refused by that woman and every time, I feel like I simply must dance with her. I should have been affronted but her manner was too sweet, too teasing for me to do that. But why does she keep refusing me? I wonder. If it weren't for the inferiority of her connections, I would be in some danger. I'll say!
October 1, 1812
It was quite an interesting day. It seems like every day spent with Miss Elizabeth in the house proves more interesting than the last. How does she do it? Anyway, this morning, I was walking with Miss Bingley in the shrubbery and she insisted on teasing me about my imminent marriage to Miss Elizabeth! She can at least try to be a little less obvious. Upon my word, one of these days, I might just lose my patience and tell Miss Bingley what I really think of her!
Miss Bennet came down tonight with Miss Elizabeth. It seems like she is much better. I am glad about that for her sake as well as mine. Because, now that she is better, she will not be staying in Netherfield much longer. Which means, she will take her sister along with her. It will be most welcome to me. I cannot help but pay attention to Miss Elizabeth when she is here. She is such a distraction! And that makes Miss Bingley even more unbearable. If only both of them were to leave allowing me to restore my peace of mind.
Somehow or the other, I ended up in another minor argument with Miss Elizabeth. She thinks that I have a propensity to hate every body!! What a preposterous notion! Where does she derive these wild ideas from? I do not HATE every body. I cannot help it if they are all so below me, so unworthy of my time and attention. I am quite surprised that she would pass her judgement after knowing me for so little a time. Hmmm...
I find that I am spending too much time on thinking what she says or does. I got a letter from Georgiana asking me who is this Miss Elizabeth Bennet, I mention 4 times in the letter. To be sure, her tone was almost teasing...amazing! I have yet to reply to her, but what can I say? There is nothing in her gentle allegations. I have a high regard for Miss Elizabeth Bennet as a person and that is all.
October 2, 1812
Good news... The Bennet sisters are leaving! That is the best news I have heard in days. We can finally settle down to our normal routine. And although life may get a little dull, I can only sigh with relief at this news. Miss Bennet is recovered and need not stay here. If she is gone, maybe Bingley will also recover from his infatuation with her, I am sure. It was such proximity that played with his emotions. As for Miss Elizabeth...well, I hope that the last few days has not made her expect anything more than common civility from me. I may find her a very engaging, interesting young lady, but I do not intend to go beyond friendliness. If she stays, I will pay attention to her, in spite of myself and then she will expect something from me and I would not know how to handle it. So, it's best if she leaves.
And I am determined not to miss her.
October 4, 1812
Oh lord, I miss her! I had thought I wouldn't, but I do. I went to the library to read today and couldn't help but think of her love of books. It is admirable how she improves her mind with extensive reading. Indeed, I could not concentrate as my mind was filled with thoughts of her, wondering what she was doing. Maybe she was reading in her own library...
Oh, I do not know what's wrong with me. I know I should rejoice in her absence but I cannot. I try to find solace in my usual activities, but I cannot. Even Miss Bingley's constant chatters cannot put my mind at ease. I think Bingley is beginning to notice as I oftentimes drift away in the middle of a conversation. He must find it quite odd indeed. Maybe he suspects? Oh, I have to rid myself of her memory...easier said than done!
October 8, 1812
I cannot take this much longer. I have not laid eyes on her for 5 days now and am restless. What is the matter with me? I have met more accomplished, more beautiful, more elegant women, but none has had the effect that she has had on me. There is something about Miss Elizabeth Bennet and I cannot say I know what it is. Bingley proposed that we pay a visit to the Bennets tomorrow to see how Miss Bennet is doing. I suspect he is as impatient to see Miss Bennet as I am her sister. What have those sisters done to us? I shudder even to think of it.
October 9, 1812
I cannot believe this! It is hard to write as I am shaking with anger. Wickham, that blackguard is here! Yes, here, in Hertfordshire. The audacity of the man astonishes me! He has some nerve to show up here! That scoundrel! If I never lay my eyes on him again, I will die a happy man. But I doubt my luck is so good. I should face him directly in a duel, that's what I should do. But prudence does not permit it.
And he was there, talking, flirting with my Elizabeth Miss Elizabeth Bennet. She was actually talking to that snake! How could she? Can't she see through his suave ways? Oh, don't be so blind. How does he manage to show up every time and ruin my life? But there is nothing he can do to me now. If he wants to spread his lies about me, let him. If the insipid people here want to believe him, let them. I could care less.
But what if Elizabeth believes him...? Well, I don't care. What is she to me, anyway?