Posted on Wednesday, 18 August 1999

(Court Reporter outside courtroom) "Today in the court of Judge Mills Lane is a touchy issue between a couple recently divorced. He wants his military uniforms and she just wants him back. He's suing for his clothes and mental distress. Let's listen, the judge is hearing the case."

(Inside the courtroom.)

JML: This is a case of some clothes and mental distress. Mr. Wickham you are the plaintiff, let's get this case on and get it decided."

G. Wickham: Thank you, judge. I would like to say first that my ex-wife is not playing with a full deck of cards.

(Laughter by judge and audience.)

(continuing) At the time that my ex and I were married we moved to London and I was still in the army. We had a fight about six months later over her family and going to visit them. She said since I had no living family, that we would spend the holidays with her family. I objected and left. I returned a week later, having spend my time in the army barracks, and asked that she leave my apartment.

JML: Ok, a reasonable thing to do. Ms. Lydia Bennet the defendant, let's hear your side of it, please.

L. Bennet: Thank you. Um, (shuffles papers) what my husband --

G. Wickham: Ex! Would you get that straight! Not still married, but EX!

JML: Hey! Let her finish.

L. Bennet: FORGOT to tell you about was the lease shows I am also on it therefore I don't have to leave. Here, (hands papers to bailiff who hands them to the judge) is a copy.

(Judge looks it over and offers a few 'hum's and hands it back)JML: Okay. How do you explain this, Mr. Wickham?

G. Wickham: Judge I never allowed her to co-sign on this lease. Would you like to see the original provided by the landlord and compare it to the one she's given you?

JML(after seeing document): Ms. Bennet, these are two different leases.

L. Bennet: Well, um, ok, I may have changed it a pinch, but the spirit of the lease is still there!

JML: Well, I have to go by the real lease and not the spirit of the lease. Now Ms. Bennet, you also are counter-suing for two-thousand dollars, what was that for?

L. Bennet: Well, two months after we were married, I planned a trip to England with my money. We were supposed to go, but he cancelled, and the tickets were non-refundable you see.

G. Wickham: I was unavoidably detained! You know that.

L. Bennet: He was in jail your honor.

(Ohs from the audience)

(Turning back)G. Wickham: Oh, shut up!

JML: You, sir, shut up and let her finish.

(Wickham grumbles)

(Judge points gavel at Wickham with a scowl on his face)

L. Bennet(overcome with emotion): I wanted to go to Brighton!

G. Wickham: Judge! Either give me my clothes and my money, or throw this case out, because frankly, I can't stand this woman another minute!

JML: Well, frankly, I can't stand either of you, so I am dismissing this case and am going to tell you this; I better not see you two here ever again, or I'll throw the case out without so much as a 'good day' to either of you.

(Outside courtroom with reporter 'Well, he didn't get his clothes back, and she got no money. Sounded like the judge was pretty annoyed with both of them. And now on the next Judge Mills Lane show......)

The End