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A flock of seagulls were gathered in a parking lot, picking at some left over food items, when suddenly the sound of squeeling tires and honking split the air. The birds squawked at this interruption and took off flying, just in time to avoid a bus that came tearing into the lot.
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWW!" Colleen V. shrieked as she careened around the corner, sending the passengers slamming against the sides of the bus or their seat partners.
DARCY DARLINGS was proudly displayed on the side of the bus, along with pictures of Colin Firth taped in the windows. It could hardly be doubted where this bus was heading, unless of course you were unfamiliar with Pride and Prejudice, and the infamous Deathmatch that was scheduled for that day. If that happened to be the case, you had the severest sympathy of the entire occupants of the vehicle.
Slamming on the brakes, everyone flew forward in their seats. Some even went sprawling on the floor of the bus, since they had disobeyed the rules prominantly posted at the front of the bus, which specifically stated, No Standing While Bus Is In Motion. Snickers were heard throughout the bus, but no one could understand what they were saying because nobody knew the Snickersh language. The Dwiggies piled out and stood in the empty parking lot, wearing green shirts with a picture of Colin Firth on the front, and the phrase "DARCY RULES, KNIGHTLEY DROOLS" was printed across the back.
Various signs had been made in support of their hero, Fitzwilliam Darcy. All that remained was for the others to arrive. The ladies gazed around looking for the competing hero's supporters, but there was no sign of the Knightley Knaves.
Meghan, Kimmie, Andrea, Tiki, Colleen, Tanisha, and Chris all stood in the parking lot with triumphant smiles.
"HAHA! Figures those cowardly Knightley supporters wouldn't show up! They know who the REAL man is!" stated Meghan. The others cackled at this until they noticed another bus pulling in. Of all the strangest things they had seen, this topped it all. The front of the bus had a bad airbrushing job of Knightley's face which made him look like a Picasso, KNIGHTLEY KNAVES was printed in bold orange letters on the side of a purple bus.
Chris leaned towards Andrea and said, "Isn't that the ugliest thing you have ever seen?" Everyone had overheard this and all nodded in agreement.
They waited as the other bus came to a stop and everyone decended the steps. The Knightley Knaves also had T-shirts with their hero's picture on it, along with KNIGHTLEY OR BUST! printed across the back. The opposing devotees walked toward each other, with arrogant but slow steps. They circled each other warily, like two rabid dogs in the wild.
Then another car came roaring into the parking lot. Everyone watched with wide eys as it came closer and closer before swerving violently, spinning into a fish tail, tires squeeling, with the sound of bass blaring from the vehicle.
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," screamed TabbiW. as her car came to a stop within a foot of the group. "I HAVE FINALLY ARRIVED! YOU MAY ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! MUAAAAHAAHAAAAAAA!"
Colleen snorted, "HA! Yeah right, whatever, woman. It's about time you got here! We thought you weren't going to make it. I don't know why you didn't just take the bus along with us?"
Tabbi slammed her car door and stomped over to the waiting groups. "Well, I figured your driving is as bad as mine, so if I die, I want it to be my own doing!" she grinned. "Now then........ya know that's an oxymoron! Anywho, everyone ready to go in?"
Cheers of agreement rose up through the crowd and they started off towards the gates of the Deathmatch Arena.
inside the locker room...
Darcy and Knightley entered the room, feeling nervous and edgy. Noticing two piles of clothing laying on a bench, they advanced into the room, and stopped dead in their tracks. Both piles had a piece of paper with their names on it, obviously indicating who was to wear which outfit. Darcy's clothes consisted of Daisy Duke shorts in a bright pink along with an orange belly shirt and black feathered boa. Knightley's outfit was a white netted shirt, orange spandex shorts, and a spiked collar. Looking at each other with raised eyebrows. They had planned on wearing their regular clothing, but somebody obviously had different ideas about that.
"Ooooooooooh NO! I am not wearing this...this...." Darcy gestured helplessly at the gaudy material.
Knightley stared in horror, then said, "Dear Lord! Who is the fashion director here?"
Darcy snorted and mumbled. "Probably Caroline Bingley." He pulled out his cell phone and dialed Lady Catherine. There were screeching sounds at the other end of the line as he flat out refused to wear the crazy get up. Holding the phone away from his ears, he rolled his eyes, as Knightley chuckled.
"But Aunt Catherine! This is just rediculous! Have you seen what we are suppose to wear? Yes....I understand we.....uh huh........but...b..buutttt. AAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHH!" Darcy yelled as he threw the phone down. "She says we have to wear it because it will drive the ladies wild...and we must indulge our fans. Without our fans, we disappear. And she said if I back out, then she will announce an engagement between Anne and I, knowing that I am marrying Elizabeth in another month!"
Knightley shook his head, "I say, this is just stupid, Darcy! I mean, really, we have no qualms with each other. But, because the Dwiggies ladies favor one of us over another, we get dragged into this. How undignified."
Darcy snorted. "Yeah I know what you mean Knightley, but then again...." he trailed off in thought.
"Then again....what?" Knightley questioned.
Smiling evily he said, "We can always get even for all the torment we have been put through by the ladies."
"Oh? Do tell!" Knightley grinned.
Smirking, Darcy motioned him closer, and started whispering a plan.
In the arena...
Everyone entered the arena and took opposite sides of the ring. They picked their seats(someone should tell them that isn't polite in public) and set up their signs, waiting for the match to begin. In the very front row, Mr. Collins was seated between Sir Walter Elliot and Lady Susan, both looking very decidedly green. This was their punishments for losing their own Deathmatch, and every time another one came about, they were tortured by the presence of the odious toad. They had tried to escape once, so they now had shackles which bound them to their seats. Mr. Collins was happy to oblige his new friends with sermons and ravings about the Right Honorable Lady Catherine DeBourgh. He had a special affinity for one of the fire places at Rosings Parks and could spend the entire time waxing eloquently on the subject without tire.
I'm sure we all feel extreme sympathy for their predicament....NOT
There were men walking around the seat area selling tortillas. One gentleman dressed in hippy clothes had tye-dyed tortillas which sold rather quickly. Another man went through selling cabbage, mangos, peaches, and tomatoes which were sold out to the Darcy team before the Knightley team ever had a chance. However the Knightleyites bought out a vendor who was selling mashed potatos and celery. Insults were thrown across the room, which almost caused Chris to lose an eye. One of them hit Kimmie and she fell out of her seat. Getting up, she hurled the insult back to the opposite side, where it then bounced off Bridge and smacked Leah upside the head, knocking her out of the seat. This would have gone on all night if not for the announcements by Dan and Stan.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!!!!!! WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO AUSTEN CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH. I'm Stan and this is Dan. Tonight's Deathmatch is between Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy and Mr. George Knightley."
"Yes, indeedy do! It all started with a simple vote on the Austen.com Tea Room. In the end, a challenge was issued...and so here we are to resolve which Jane Austen hero is sexier, and who is an all around better man."
"Well, Dan, more than the challenge however, is the publicity angle. The recent release of Mansfield Park has diminished the popular appeal of Jane Austen's heroes. So the publicists for Darcy and Knightley have dragged the two reluctant sex symbols once again into the ring."
"Ah, yes, the Right Honourable Lady Catherine "The Shrew" DeBourgh, and Mrs."Chatterbox" Bates are two quite obnoxious and determined ladies. They have hassled the gentlemen here tonight and the crowds are blood thirsty! Let's go down to the ring and see what's happening Stan!"
The entire audience consisted not only of Dwiggies, but other characters from Jane Austen's six novels as well. The villians all sat together wearing black trench coats, white make-up on their faces, and their hair dyed varying shades of red and orange. Wickham was wearing a vinyl mini-skirt with fishnet pantyhose. He seemed to be flirting with Mr. Elton.
All other characters, excluding Darcy and Knightley, were sitting inside a fenced area. There were signs strung across the fence which read, WARNING: HIGH VOLTAGE! This had been put up to protect them from rabid Dwiggie attacks. Captian Tabbi W. and Gen. Colleen V. spotted Col. Fitzwilliam sitting in the very middle of them all, wearing Groucho Marx glasses, trying to be inconspicuous to the members of Chasing Fitzwilliam. Tabbi and Colleen started whispering excitedly and gesturing about, nodded decisively, then went to take their seats. They grinned at each other evilly and waggled their eyebrows in the Colonel's direction. He gulped nervously....and with good reason, because the ladies now had a plan.
Another author's note: As for Darcy's plan in this post, anyone is welcome to expand on this later on in the story. It was just a way to get this story going, since I was having major writer's block for a while. As for Coleen's and my plan for Col. Studmuffin....well, Colleen will be glad to add onto that when her turn comes around LOL! Have fun everyone!
Flashback to the Knightley bus...
The members of the 'Knightley Navy' stood in the parking lot, taking attendance. (The Darcy Darlings tried to nickname them the 'Knightley Knaves', but as no one on the Knightley team could be a villain, blackguard, or any synonym of 'knave', the captain adopted 'Navy' as the team name. It has been rumored that it really only showed Bridget's inhibited attachment to Wentworth, but those are malicious lies fabricated by the Darcy team in a feeble attempt to undermine their confidence.)
"Okay, we have Constanza..." Cinthia called.
"Right here."
"Elli?" Cinthia looked at Elli's self-designed commando outfit and shrugged.
"Present and reporting to duty," said Elli, saluting.
"And Jen R.."
"Ready, willing, and able."
"Leah?"
"Ready and rarin' to go!" shouted Leah, throwing punches in the air.
"Uh, Tina, what's all that?"
"Sponges. To sop up the water thrown on Darcy and make the Darcy Darlings cry."
"Okay, whatever," Cinthia muttered, rolling her eyes.
"I think there's a drought," said Elli gleefully.
The Knightley Navy laughed evilly.
"Okay... one, two, three, four, five, plus me... whose missing? We should have seven," said Cinthia, frowning.
Constanza looked around. "Bridget Elinor."
The members of the Knightley navy groaned and rolled their eyes.
"She's the captain. Shouldn't she be here on time, if not first?" complained Jen.
"You know," whispered Leah conspiratorially, "I've heard she overdosed on Persuasion and now she's fixated on Wentworth."
Further groaning and eye-rolling ensued.
"How could she do this to Knightley!?!" Tina whined.
"By the way, Leah, aren't you fixated on Edward Ferrars?" Cinthia asked.
Leah blushed. "Yeah, well that's different... I mean, it was understood at the outset. Bridget didn't give us any kind of warning or anything."
"Now the Darcy Darlings are going to be mean about this!" Constanza wailed.
"The Darcy Darlings are always mean..." Elli muttered.
"How did Chris get on their bus?" Jen demanded. "That's not impartial!"
Just then, both the bus and Bridget arrived.
The Knightley Navy was so absorbed in being horrified at the bus they didn't notice Bridget wander towards them, staring at the sky with an abstracted, daydreamy expression on her face.
They noticed when she walked into a wall that was situated in the parking lot. Her dark blue British Naval officer hat fell off her head, and she dove to pick it up before it landed in the seagull droppings.
"Oh, so there you are," said Cinthia sarcastically.
"Yeah..." murmured Bridget, entirely innocent of the vexations she had generated. She gazed up at the bus. "Oh dear... we're going to have to do something about this..." she said vaguely.
"No kidding!" exploded Tina. "This is TERRIBLE!"
"Tabbi did it, I bet," said Leah darkly.
The next few minutes were spent in vindictive muttering about Tabbi.
"Well, we're just going to have to do something about this, aren't we?" said Tina.
The Knightley Navy cheered.
"Hip Hip Hurrah! Hip Hip Hurrah!" shouted Bridget.
Elli look at Bridget with concern. "Remember: Knightley is so heart-stoppingly sweet and any man who can utter 'men of sense do not want silly wives' must be running on more than testosterone."
"Okay," murmured Bridget vaguely. "Knightley's better than Darcy."
"Excellent observation," said Tina sarcastically.
"Frederick writes really nice letters..." said Bridget dreamily. "And he's in the navy..."
Cinthia groaned and shoved Bridget on the bus. She, Jen, Leah, and Constanza followed, then Elli and Tina boarded with a bit more difficulty due to their commando equipment and sponges, respectively.
The members of the Knightley Navy spent the trip to the Deathmatch site as follows:
Jen drove. Less recklessly than Colleen.
Cinthia called the bus company and demanded they send someone to the Deathmatch site to fix the bus problem. This conversation was accentuated by much shouting and intimidation on Cinthia's part.
Constanza walked up and down the aisle, trying to get everyone to cut back on the caffeine and sugar, and kept a particular eye on Leah and Bridget.
Leah tried her best to get Edward Ferrars' attention, who was in the car next to the bus. He tried his best to politely ignore her smiles, waves, air kisses, whistles, and cat-calls.
Bridget stared dreamily out the window with a faint smile, occasionally reciting various parts of The Letter, and murmuring other Wentworth-related things such as "I hardly know" and "Now poor Frederick will have to begin all over again with someone else." and "A man does not recover from such an attachment to such a woman. He ought not -- He does not.".
Elli was neatly organizing her commando equipment into piles, making a checklist of things that had to be done, and studying a circuit map of the electric fence. She generously decided to allow the Darcy Darlings in her commando unit, as they were all united in one common goal: derail the electric security fence surrounding the Deathmatch ring -- thus allowing Dwiggies free and unrestricted access to Knightley and Darcy. Elli's eyes lit up and she contemplated sharing the equipment with Colleen and Tabbi to assist them in their Colonel StudMuffin capturing mission.
Tina was drawing up a plan for how to best use her sponges in case there was no drought, or the Darcy Darlings had brought water. She also vented to her sponges about the bus problem and Tabbi. She found the sponges very sympathetic.
Meanwhile...
"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Meghan screeched.
As they stood in the Deathmatch parking lot, waiting for the arrival of the Knightley Navy, coleen had gently broken the news to Meghan that there was a drought inside the Deathmatch. How and why there would be a drought indoors in unclear; however, just go with it, please.
"Aw, will you shut up?" shouted Kimmie. "You sound like Mrs. Bennett."
The Darcy Darlings gasped loudly.
Kimmie shrugged. "Well slap mah 'fro," she said, but no one understood her. As a matter of fact, the author does not understand her, either.
Meghan was heartbroken. Although she had brought two dozen Supersoakers and eight large watercoolers, she did not think that would be sufficient water to drench Darcy in. However, she remembered Elli's commando equipment and brightened. Maybe Elli would let her use it to unlock the sprinkler heads, or search for hidden water.
Kimmie felt sorry for comparing Meghan to Mrs. Bennett and told her that if those attempts were unsuccessful, she would try to chemically create water using... something.
Soon the Knightley 'bus' pulled up, and seven deeply angry Knightleyites deboarded, glaring at Tabbi in particular.
"We're not gonna let you get away with this!!!!!!!!!!" Tina shouted.
Tabbi waggled her eyebrows and gave a signature cackle. The rest of the Darcyites followed suit by cackling as well.
Eventually, however, the Dwiggies split up and went their respective ways.
Tina stayed in the parking lot so she could scare the ^%%$ out of the bus company employee. She succeeded in not only getting a full cash reimbursement, but also punitive damages, a new, NICE Knightley bus, and a new, decidedly NOT nice Darcy bus...
Elli discussed her plans with her commando unit to derail the electric fence, and retrieved the parachutes they would have to use to get inside the ring.
Willoughby chased Leah, Bridget, Kimmie, Meghan, Tiki, Alethea, Shemmelle, Grania, Janey Mac, and all other Dwiggies eighteen and under, until a Golden Giantess (well, 5'10") in high heels named Arleen Leah picked him up and threw him across the room, where he landed in Lucy Steele Ferrars' lap, and provoked much angry screeching from Sophia Willoughby.
In the locker room...
"Oh, by the way Darcy, you won't believe what I heard," said Knightley.
"Was in from your little friend Miss Chatterbox?" asked Darcy with a smirk.
"Yes, but it could have easily been from your bossy, nosy, interfering, gossiping aunt," retorted Knightley. (He doesn't like hearing his neighbors and friends insulted.)
"Anyway," continued Knightley, "Wouldn't you like to hear how this whole business got started?"
"YES!" said Darcy enthusiastically.
"Meghan and Bridget were having an argument in chat one afternoon and it escalated into this."
Darcy spent the next five minutes scowling and cursing Meghan and Bridget for getting him into this ridiculous predicament.
"Something must be done!" he declared.
"We need an auxiliary plan," said Knightley. "Something to teach these ladies a lesson."
"Ladies?" Darcy snorted. "Don't kid yourself, Knightley. None of these late-night chat Dwiggies are ladies." He snickered. "By the way, Knightley, I hear Bridget has jumped ship."
Knightley gasped. "She may not be particularly ladylike, but Bridget would never do that to me. She isn't very fond of you. Why would she desert me for you?"
"Not ME, you idiot! WENTWORTH!"
"Really?" Knightley whispered.
"Well, she still likes you best," said Darcy grudgingly. "But I think you're about tied with captain Wentworth now. she may even like him better."
Knightley glared at his friend. "Darcy, did you know that Meghan has plans for you?"
"Meghan?! What is she going to do to me?" asked Darcy suspiciously.
"Nothing much... just involving a little water..."
Darcy yelped. "But I thought I told them to turn off all the water here!" he whimpered, turning pale.
"Really, Darcy, they may not be ladylike, but they are intelligent and resourceful."
Darcy groaned and sank to the floor.
He did not have long to recover from the shock, however, because within moments the 'handlers' arrived to escort Knightley and Darcy into the ring...
In the arena...
The tortilla sellers were out in full force, the Austen villians/cads/other undesirable men were looking ridiculous, and Caroline Bingley was looking distinctly self-satisfied. As if she had A Plan.
"Uh, Leah?" asked Tiki as they walked to their seats. "Really. Edward Ferrars?"
"Why not?" she demanded defensively, blowing another kiss at Edward, who blushed.
Margaret D. walked by. "Why not indeed? Edward Ferrars is a really nice guy. He deserves to have at least a few stalkers, if not an entire fan club."
"Go Knightley!" shouted Crysty, jumping up and down. "You're beautiful! And even the name... You're KNIGHTLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Lizzy was flirting with Colonel Fitzwilliam/StudMuffin/Hotpants/Yummy/Fitziepie/etc. Colleen and Tabbi were sitting jealously nearby. However, Chris had tied them to their seats, so they were unable to do anything about the situation. Although it was rather frustrating to watch while tied to a chair, Tabbi and Colleen didn't really care... because they had A Plan...
Thanks to everyone who gave me ideas in the Tea Room, and to Tabbi, who sat with me in chat and brainstormed. Anyone is free to continue my various plots, should you wish to do so. Well Meghan, you're up now...
BEEP...BEEP...BEEP.
Everyone cleared the way as Meghan guided a very large truck back into the parking lot so that she could unload.
"What is in that truck Meghan?" Tiki asked as she walked over to give a hand.
"It is a portable swimming pool, 25 supersoakers, a hose, some buckets, and numerous water coolers. Somebody was mean enough to cause a drought, so I took the problem into my own hands. Set the pool up over there boys." Grinning wickedly, Meghan looked at the men and their strong bodies. Darcy immediately came to mind....Why couldn't they all be like Darcy?
"Meghan....Meghan...MEGHAN!!!!" Tiki screamed. Kimmie, Andrea, and Tanisha came over to see what was going on.
"What??"
"Come on, I heard that Coleen and Tabbi were in trouble. Let's go help them out while these guys finish setting up." Kimmie said as she motioned to the arena. The group of Darcy Darlings went inside to find Colleen and Tabbi tied up and Chris was watching them to make sure that they didn't escape. Kimmie went over to get some distraction. When she came back, she had brought Anne Elliot. Chris immediately started drooling over Anne and tried to stutter a greeting. While Anne kept Chris busy, Tanisha and Andrea sneaked over to untie Tabbi and Colleen.
"Okay guys, I have a plan. Meet me on the bus in five minutes. We are going to take role and then go over some strategies." Meghan said once Tabbi and Colleen were untied. Everyone agreed and they all headed towards the bus.
On the bus the Darcy Darlings planned out the entire fight and planned out how to get a certain key Knave out of the way. Once everything was set, they head off toward the arena. They were met by a bunch of mad Knaves who were still upset over their bus. Tabbi stepped to the front to handle the situation. "It serves you right. You Didn't bother to check out the bus company did you? I guess Bridget was too worried about Wentworth to see that my cousin owns the company and is definitely in Darcy's favor." Tabbi cackled evilly and the Knaves went off sulking and to make up some plans.
"Poor, stupid Knaves. They think that their weak Knightley will win." Kimmie snorted derisively before she went off to find Wentworth. The first part of the plan was about to take action.
Colleen went over to Meghan and whispered. "I have the rope in that room over there. Wentworth agreed to go along with our plan. He and Kimmie met each other and are getting along very well and he agreed to lure Bridget into that room. Come with me so that you can help me tie her up."
Once they were in the room, Wentworth walked over to the Bridget. When she saw him she began stuttering and feeling light headed. She just let him lead her right into the trap. The door slammed shut as soon as she stepped into the room. She had no time to scream for help before a gag was placed in her mouth and she was tied to a chair.
Meghan clapped her hands gleefully, "So, now that we have Bridget out of the way, it is on to war. Thank you Capt. Wentworth for all your help with Bridget, enjoy your stay." Wentworth gave each of the Darcy Darlings a kiss on the cheek, setting many hearts aflutter, and then he went to rejoin Anne who was talking to Chris.
Meghan talked in low tones, so as not to be overheard by the snooping Knaves. "All right ladies the Knightley Knaves are down to six at the moment and I got Tiki and Andrea to guard Bridget. She should be out of the way for now. The water guys have set everything up. Tabbi and Colleen, I believe that your Colonel is down with our Darcy. I want you two to try and find a way to get into their room. Here is a camera in case you get a glimpse of them without their shirts on."
Tabbi and Colleen went off to work on finding a way to Darcy and their dear Colonel. The match was going to begin soon and the Knightley Knaves looked worried. There was no sign of Bridget, and the sponges had mysteriously disappeared.
"Where are my sponges?" Tina whined. "I bet the Darcy Darlings had something to do with it. I wonder what they have planned." The Knaves all looked at each other worriedly, then went to find their seats. They hoped that Bridget would find her way back to them before the match started. They found Wentworth, so she wasn't with him. They were beginning to wonder whether something happened to her. After all, she and Meghan seemed to always be getting in fights and Meghan looked extremely happy with herself. Almost too happy. Something was up and they were going to get to the bottom of this.
Little did they know, Elli had accidentally left their plan book by her seat and Kimmie being ever so watchful grabbed it, looked over their plans, and told everyone to meet in the parking lot.
Out in the parking lot, those that were not already preoccupied with tasks inside quickly looked over the book. When they saw what the Knaves were planning to do they all laughed. "This is going to be easy." Kimmie said with a malicious laugh. Just then another truck pulled into the parking lot.
"Oh good, right on time." Meghan said as she ran over to tell the guys where to unload. In the truck were hundreds of heads of cabbage and twenty fish tanks that each held numerous fish.
"Where in the world did you get those?" Kimmie asked when she saw the contents.
"A friend of mine donated them when he heard about this match. She loves Darcy just as much and wanted to help our worthy cause." Meghan explained. Just then Kimmie motioned to the door of the arena. Coming towards them were Colleen and Tabbi with Colonel Studmuffin. They had him handcuffed to themselves and he seemed to be missing a shirt.
"Well, I guess you found the Colonel." Meghan smirked at the much harassed Colonel.
The Colonel looked for sympathy among all of the ladies but when he saw that they were all happy that Tabbi and Colleen had captured him and he gave a sigh of despair. Tabbi and Colleen handcuffed him inside the Darcy bus and then left to go help with unloading the cabbage and the fish. While they were doing this, Colleen went to get the wire clippers and the dynamite from the bus.
They made sure that everyone was away from the north wall of the arena then blew it up. Everybody inside looked up to what had happened and once the dust had cleared the Darcy Darlings got to work setting up their fort. Tabbi and Kimmie were excellent builders, so they had everything ready in five minutes. The fish were set to be thrown and the buckets were filled. The wires were cut also so that there would be no fire when the water was thrown. Tabbi sneaked back down to switch the clothes that Darcy and Knightley had to wear.
Meanwhile, Darcy and Knightley came back to change for the match. They were surprised to find different clothes. Knightley was forced to wear a white netted shirt, orange spandex shorts, and a spiked collar. Darcy also had an odd outfit, made up of Daisy Duke shorts in a bright pink along with an orange belly shirt and black feathered boa. After a call to his Aunt, with no success, both men began dressing. But A PLAN had been formulated, and the Dwiggie ladies were in for a surprise.
Tabbi meanwhile got a bunch of pictures of the two men changing and the after product. She rushed back to the group of Darcyites, waving the camera victoriously. "I GOT 'EM I GOT 'EM! I'll take these to the hour photo place and have them processed right away."
An hour later, the arena was now packed with Dwiggies and Austen characters alike. There were even some curious town folk that decided to stop in. After spotting the odd busses, screaming ladies, pools, fish tanks, and then a wall blow up, they weren't going to pass this up.
Tabbi screeched into the parking lot an hour later with photos in hand and ran into the building. She looked around the arena, and spotting her group, skidded to a stop in front of them and waggled her eyebrows. "WHO WANTS TO SEE OUR HEROES DRESSING?"
Screams, shrieks, and gasps filled the air, and Tabbi passed them out, keeping a separate set for herself and Colleen. It had cost her a fortune to have so many prints made up but it was well worth it.
Dan and Stan were beginning to make their introductions, the audience quieted down some, and everyone waited with baited breath for Darcy and Knightley to make their way into the ring. Kathy was prepared with her matches to make the sprinklers go off at any moment. It was going to be an interesting match which onlookers could tell by the restlessness of the crowd. "Well Slap Mah Fro." Kimmie screamed when she saw all the people. It was going to b e an interesting night. Everything was set, so all they had to do was wait for Darcy and Knightley. Tina was passing out programs to everyone in the arena. The program read:
The Knightley Knaves and the Darcy Darlings are here tonight to witness the battle between their heroes Mr. Knightley and Mr. Darcy respectively. Coaching Mr. Knightley is Mr. Elton and his wife Augusta. Coaching Mr. Darcy is Colon Hot...err...Fitzwilliam.
Everybody read the program and when they came to the part where Colon was written, there were shrieks of horror from everyone. They all looked at Tabbi and Colleen who had angry faces. They glared at Tina who smirked at them. On the back of the program was a nice picture that looked like this:
Colleen and Tabbi jumped up and charged Tina. They chased her around and ended up in the parking lot where Colleen and Tabbi managed to pin her down and tie her up. They decided that she would make a nice companion for Bridget, so they gagged her and put her in a bag so that nobody would see her. They carried her to the door and opened the door just enough to throw her in the room before they re-locked it. Tabbi wanted to make sure that the locks were secure, so she got her cell phone out and called a locksmith. The lock smith arrived ten minutes later and fastened five different locks on the door. The next man to arrive was a black smith who brought a metal gate. He set it up and then left. The final person to arrive was a brick layer who built a brick wall up with a door that was padlocked. Tabbi grabbed all the keys to the several locks and put them on a chain and hung it around her neck. She and Colleen then went off to make new programs. They read,
The Darcy Darlings and the Knightley Knaves would like to welcome everyone to their love fest. We would first like to acknowledge that the programs previously printed were wrong and that this were the official programs. The fighters tonight are the illustrious Mr. Darcy of Pemberley and Mr. Knightley of Donwell Abbey. These two gentlemen will battle to the end and the stronger will be victorious. Coaching for Mr. Darcy is COLONEL Fitzwilliam and coaching for Mr. Knightley is Mr. and Mrs. Elton. The best of luck to both gentlemen. Let the games begin!!!
Guys!" panted Chris, running up to the bleachers where the Knightley Knaves were all assembled. "They...she...I...Wentworth...dynamite...fish...water..."
"WHAT?"
Chris swallowed and tried again, "Tabbi and Coleen have gotten loose!"
Elli's eyes bulged with fury, "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THEM!!!"
"I know! I know! But then she..." a dreamy look came over Chris's face, "She came over and talked to me. ME! Oh Anne...you pierce my soul. I'm half agony, half hope."
"Snap out of it man!" said Leah, furiously shaking Chris by his shoulders. "We have better things to think about. Like how we are going to get rid of Tabbi and Coleen again."
"Uh, actually... There's a bigger problem than that."
The Knightley Knaves all turned in unison to glare at Chris who shrank back with fear. "What now?"
"I think you all know by now that Bridget and Tina have gone missing," began Chris with an air of superiority, which quickly changed when he met the murderous stares of the Knightley Knaves. "Well, the Darcy Darlings kidnapped them and locked them in this room that currently has five locks on it, with an iron gate, all behind a brick wall that is padlocked." This news caused sounds of despair to be emitted from all of Knightley's supporters. "That's not all. I think the Darcy gang has something planned. They blew up the North wall just a moment ago to build a fort and Meghan has imported some fish and a whole lot of water into the arena."
"Maybe I should call the Animal Rights Activists?" suggested Leah.
"No, we don't want to get the too many organizations involved. The abductions we have going on, and our treatment of the contestants are not going to go over too well with government if they get wind of this." Elli said decidedly. "We need to take matters into our own hands. I have a plan. Come closer everybody."
Hollow thumps were being emitted from the vents. Occasionally an "Ouch" followed by a chain of colorful words could be heard after a louder thump.Aww... come on people, he is a sailor you know.
The light fixture over Bridget and Tina shook as the noise grew closer. The two attempted to shuffle away, but they had been bound most cruelly rendering escape, even for protection, impossible. Gee, I wonder which foul fiend did that?
The vent opened, and to Bridget, heaven opened with it. It was Captain Frederick Wentworth himself, who had come to rescue them.
However, the claustrophobic vents seemed to have confused the Captain. He jumped down from the vent with his hand positioned like Superman, and began to sing "Here I Come to Save the Day!" the theme to Mighty Mouse. While he sang, he dashed around the room attempting to launch himself into the air. When he finished, he looked down at the girls with his hands on his hips in a heroic pose.
"Well, aren't you going to cheer for my arrival?"
"Hmft?"
Captain Wentworth collected himself, "Oh yes, you are still gagged. Don't worry girls I'll save you." He then proceeded to dart around freeing the girls with lightening like speed. Okay, not exactly lightening like, but there were moments when he left a blur behind.
The ladies expressed more joy than was necessary at their release. Although, it must be said right now that Bridget was the more... how shall I put this... emotional of the two? These reactions however, pleased Captain Wentworth for much time had elapsed since he last a saved damsel in distress. Recently, he's been busy in adventures involving wet teddy bears, and a wimpy baby named Edmund who had no legs.
When the Captain was finally able to dislodge Bridget from himself, he begged to be forgiven for having helped the wrongful capture of Bridget. He originally agreed to lure Bridget into the trap because the people who had called themselves the Darcy Darlings told him Bridget was a French Spy. Somebody named Chris (Ah good ol' Chris) had approached him later on telling him the actual story which made him feel so bad that he decided to help them escape.
After this briefing, Captain Wentworth hoisted himself into the vent again, beckoning for the girls to follow. It was fortunate that he was not around to see the Bridget and Tina fight over who should follow immediately behind him. Bridget won the privilege several scratch wounds and shin bruises later.
"YOU LOST THE PLAN BOOK???" screamed the Knightleyites in unison.
"It was a mistake," defended Elli. "I don't know who took it but I think we can safely guess who."
All heads turned toward the Darcy bench and many hisses and growls were exchanged. A common bystander rubbed his hands in glee. Oh goody, cat fight. But he spoke too soon for the Knightleyites soon turned back to face the problem at hand.
"What do we do now?" asked Elli.
Jen frowned, "What can we do? Without our plan book we lose."
Surprisingly, Elli agreed. With her back very straight she walked over to the Darcy side and announced, "Due to the recent thievery and kidnappings, we, the Knightley Navy forfeit."
A resounding cheer came from the Darcy gang while the Knightleyites sulked away.
"MUUUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" mocked Tabbi's deep belly laugh. She then proceeded to make several barnyard noises.
Meghan lifted up her arms in victory, "Didn't I tell you we would win? The Knaves caved faster than I thought."
The Darcy Darlings all danced around thumping each other on the back celebrating their easy victory, completely unaware of the Knightley group sneaking around them positioning themselves strategically.
Out in the parking lot
Colonel Hot-, correction, Colonel Fitzwillam sat in the bus waiting for his fate. He had long since given up trying to escape. Tabbi and Coleen always seemed to be able to catch him no matter how fast he ran.
"Hey! Need some help?"
The Colonel brightened up "Yes, please. Could you undo these handcuffs?" After several exposures to such devices he had learned their proper names.
"No problem." And she produced the key. Besides from freeing the Colonel, this Good Samaritan decided to go a little further, and taught him the basics of driving. Turn the key, push this pedal to speed up, push this pedal to slow down, turn the round thingy and presto!
The Colonel was a smart man and learned quickly. Before long, he was speeding to Nunavut kicking up dust behind him.
Crysty smiled to herself. It felt good being a Good Samaritan, especially when you can turn that good deed to your advantage. Looking at her watch she quickened her steps. The match was going to start soon.
Back in the Arena
"I think it's time we introduce our competitors," announced Dan.
"Yes," agreed Stan, "But I just heard that programs discussing our competitors have been distributed courtesy of the fans, so with out further ado let us call out our contestants!"
A cheer ripped through the crowd as they stood up, stamping their feet, scattering confetti, and in some cases letting off shots from their shotgun. Author's note: Those were confiscated by NEUTRAL security people who, might I add, said as they left, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye." Who said anything about fun and games? We mean war!!!
Mr. Knightley and Darcy entered the arena very much like heroes, with the exception of the hideous garb they were wearing.
Darcy grinned and waved, blowing kisses to the crowd.
"Darcy!" scolded Mr. Knightley, "What are you doing? You don't want to encourage them. We're here to teach them a lesson."
"I know, I know." Darcy answered still blowing kisses. "But the higher they go the harder they'll fall. Come on! Throw decorum out the window and join me."
Mr. Knightley understood Darcy's intention and turned on his charm. Please excuse the amateur authoress as she faints.
Tabbi, Meghan, and Kimmie looked around the room in wonder. Earlier, after Elli had admitted defeat, Leah had approached them offering them the use of the luxury box the Knightleyites were going to use to watch the match. Leah had told them that since they had all disbanded there would be no point in them using the luxury box.
There was a sound a toilet flushing and a dark greasy object slithered out of the bathroom and gave each lady a slimy smile.
"My dear ladies. I cannot tell you how delighted I am to have the honour of speaking to so many elegant females."
"ACK!!! It's the creature from the Black Lagoon!" screamed Tabbi. "Get it out! GET IT OUT!!!" For those of you who haven't figured it out by now, it was Mr. Collins.
They all dashed to the door only to hear their sole exit being boarded up by Elli's hubby Dave, who had arrived earlier with a very large shipment of mangoes and Cheeze Whiz, which Jen, Cinthia, and Constanza had stashed away in a very safe place.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Meghan shaking the doorknob and beating on the door.
Kimmie huddled in a corner shaking and repeating over and over, " This is not happening. This is not happening."
But it clearly was happening. Mr. Collins slicked back his oily hair and raising his hand, called for the ladies' attention. They turned to look at him and simultaneously turned back retching. His hand glistened under the hot lamps, which was making him sweat even more. Wet spots were beginning were beginning to appear around his collar and under his arms. All together now: EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...
Not caring whether the ladies were listening or not, Mr. Collins began his sermon. "I had been told by a young lady this morning that you, and I flatter myself, you are all interested in listening to me speak about the right conduct of young ladies. I feel, that my position as a clergyman and the under the service of my patroness, the Right Honorable Lady Catherine De Bourgh of Rosing Park, whose chimney piece costs all of 800 pounds!" He paused to catch his breath and immediately forgot what it was he had been talking about. In an attempt to avoid embarrassment he started all over again, "I had been approached this morning by a young lady, who I declare, must have come from heaven itself for..."
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
The Darcy Darlings all turned and looked out the window at three forms falling out of the ceiling above the arena.
"It's Bridget and Tina!"
"How did they..."
"Wentworth is with them!"
The three landed not too gracefully at the feet of the two competitors in the fighting ring.
Tina looked up, and much to her delight, Mr. Knightley was looking down at her with an expression of concern.
"You look even better in person!" she screeched, immediately bounding to her feet. "But what are you wearing?
"Are you all right?" asked Mr. Knightley adjusting his spiked collar.
"Oh, no! I'm afraid I feel rather weak from the fall." And she 'swooned' into Mr. Knightley's arms.
Bridget ran over and pulled Tina off Mr. Knightley. "Stop it! Come on, Elli is signaling for us to blow this popsicle stand and leave. They've cut the wires to the fence. It's time to wage war."
Much to Mr. Knightley's amazement Tina instantly recovered and dashed out of the arena with Bridget, dragging Captain Wentworth with them.
"We apologize for this interruption ladies and gentlemen!" announced Stan after he had watched the intruders leave. He was one of the seasoned Deathmatch announcers, who had long since been desensitized to the bizarre fanaticism of the crowd that has recently become more dominating than the match itself!
"Now because of the seriousness of the game, coaches of both competitors must be present. Mr. Elton and Mrs. Elton, if you please. Is Colonel Fitzwilliam present?"
A gasp rippled through the Darcy bench as they realized that Colonel Fitzwilliam was outside handcuffed to the bus.
Dan looked concerned, "Darcy, where is your coach?" The question was directed more towards the Darcy bench than towards Darcy himself.
"Wait!" came Coleen's voice. "I think I saw him in the bathroom. I'll go and get him." And she dashed off before either Stan of Dan could answer.
"Coleen! If you're looking for the Colonel he's gone." Chris casually informed as Coleen sprinted by him in the hall.
"Where'd he go?!" demanded Coleen grabbing Chris by the neck.
"Don't kill the messenger! Don't kill the messenger!" Chris said fighting through breaths. Coleen released him. "I think he went to this place called Nunavut. I don't know where it is, but it's somewhere in the Northern Hemisphere."
"ARGH!!! I have no time to chase him right now. We're a little short on hands since Tabbi, Meghan, and Kimmie have gone missing." She took hold of Chris by the ear, "You were at the wrong place at the wrong time Chris. Come on! You're going to do me a little favor."
Five minutes later, Coleen ran back into the arena with a very reluctant Chris dressed in an army Colonel's uniform.
"I found him!"
The crowd went silent.
"Uh..." began Stan.
Coleen raised her fist to Stan's nose, "That's Colonel Fitzwilliam so shhhuuuurrrrrrup!"
Stan backed down, "Okay. I'm sure that is the Colonel. Now would the coaches please take a seat and.... LET'S GET READY TO RUUUMMMBLE!!!"
Chris sat down relieved that no one asked him to prove he had hotpants or to show them the loincloth Coleen made him wear to prove that he had hotloins too. Being neutral didn't sound like such a good idea after all.
"REMEMBER THERE'S ONLY ONE RULE: THERE ARE NO RULES!!!" Dan shouted and left the ring with his hands over his head to protect him from the ammunition the Dwiggies had been collecting before the match began.
Before Darcy and Mr. Knightley had an opportunity to ask about their weapons, water poured out of Meghan's tanks and fish began to flop around on the arena floor, squishy mangoes were launched, tortillas were thrown like frisbees, and cheeze whiz flew in the spray and spoon glob form.
"What are we supposed to fight with?" shouted Darcy above the unholy din.
The Dwiggies shouted back, "We're tossing you your weapons! Pick some up and get fighting!"
Without another word Darcy, who was standing in a mound of assorted fruits and vegetables, picked up a mango and chucked it at Mr. Knightley. It hit him square in the face.
Angered and shocked at the attack, Mr. Knightley reached down to his mound of dinner side dishes, pick up some mash potatoes and aimed them at Darcy's smirking face. It got him right in the kisser!
Squish! Splat! Splut! Schput! Plop! Went the ammunition.
"Use the cheeze whiz!" reminded the Knightleyites when they saw that he was beginning to falter. Like a man possessed Mr. Knightley scooped up some cheeze whiz and charged towards Darcy.
"The tortillas! You still have the tortillas!" screamed the Darcy Darlings. Quickly Darcy grabbed a tortilla and ran towards the charging Mr. Knightley.
They met in the middle of the arena with a great deal of squishy and smushing sounds. Our heroes sank to the ground and the crowd gasped.
"We've killed them!" screamed the Dwiggies.
"Oh the humanity!" announced Dan. "Ladies and Gentlemen! I cannot describe to you what... WAIT!!! They are rising."
Indeed our heroes recovered from the impact and shakily stood up. A resounding cheer rose from the crowd. Mr. Darcy besides from being wet was now covered in cheeze whiz, a single drop of the liquid cheeze dripped from his renowned adorable curl and slithered down his face. Mr. Knightley had a tortilla latched in his mouth.
Darcy looked over at Mr. Knightley and mouthed an apology. "I think we need to call a time out," proposed Darcy. Mr. Knightley nodded and spat out the tortilla. Darcy reached up and gave the timeout signal.
"Dan, apparently they are calling for a time out."
"Yes. Indeedy do! And I say it is about time. Our two contestants have been hard at work battling away!" agreed Dan.
And so a break was called, and Darcy and Mr. Knightley trudged away into their locker rooms.
"We should have just used the plan and be done with it" growled Mr. Knightley.
"Don't worry I have everything under control" assured Darcy.
"You don't look like you have things under control."
It was bad. Tabbi, Meghan, and Kimmie were stuck in a confined area with the greasy, toady, ugly Mr. Collins. The three couldn't understand how they got caught in this predicament. Then they remembered. The Knightley Knaves.
"Ha. Ha. Ha," Kimmie suddenly sarcastically blurted out. "That's the last time I listen to anybody telling me to trust anyone who likes Knightley above Darcy," she continued glaring at Meghan and Tabbi.
"Hey! I didn't tell you anything! We all trusted them!" Tabbi defended.
"I want my Mommy!" Meghan cried.
The creature was soon forgotten as the three ladies...er...yeah...ladies started bickering with each other over whose fault it was that they were stuck with Collins. The bickering suddenly stopped with Collins collapsing on the floor and what sounded like a ringing phone coming from Tabbi's pocket.
"What's that?" Kimmie asked, eyes narrowing.
"Umm. A cell phone," Tabbi hesitantly answered in fear of Kimmie's wrath that comes with her quick and bad temper.
"A cell phone?" Meghan's eyes narrowed, too. "You had a cell phone, AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US?"
"Hey! I forgot about it! Give me a break," Tabbi defended herself as she answered the phone. "Hello?...What do you mean he's gone?...Chris is taking his place?...And Colonel Hotpants is in NUNAVUT? GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Meghan rolled her eyes and took the phone away from Tabbi. "Hi...Meghan here...Oh hi, Coleen...Listen, we have a problem. Kimmie, Tabbi, and I are stuck in a small room with Mr. Collins...Yeah, I know...We're surviving. We just waited it out, arguing, and he finally collapsed out of the exertion of talking too much. His heart couldn't take it. Anyways, can you call somebody to help us out?...I don't know! The police! Fire Department! Wait! Fire department is probably the best bet. They have axes!...Okay. See you then. Bye."
Meanwhile, Kimmie was trying to calm Tabbi down who was having an anxiety attack because of the missing Colonel Fitzwilliam. "Nunavut? Where is that? Oh my gods! My poor Colonel! Could be attacked! Happens if he's in danger?" Tabbi went on and on about her poor colonel, but Kimmie finally interrupted,
"Hey! Maybe Nunavut is in a place near a fellow dwiggie. Let me check." Kimmie pointed her finger at air and suddenly a lap top appeared.
"Uhh. Kimmie. Where did that come from?" Meghan asked.
"Oh! I'm a witch! I can make anything appear as long as it's not for evil doings," Kimmie replied nonchalantly.
"You're. A. Witch," Tabbi said slowly. "THEN WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS ROOM?"
"Oh. Because Collins is really a goblin in disguise, and his powers deflect mine since I'm still a novice," Kimmie explained. "Even when he's down, he still has more power than me. Hey! Look! Nunavut is near where Arleen Leah lives. Give her a call and tell her to get him back down here."
Soon, that was done, and Arleen was on her way to find Colonel Studmuffin. And the three girls waited in the room with the comatose slime-ball. And waited. And waited. Finally, a sound of axes hitting wood and concrete were heard. And soon after that, the girls finally saw the gleam of axes breaking through the room.
Two minutes later, three firemen were in the room. Three good-looking firemen. As in men in uniform.
"Are you all right ladies?" One of them asked.
"We are now," Kimmie answered, eyelashes batting.
"What about him?" Another fireman asked, pointing to the big blob of lard lying on the floor.
"Oh! Don't worry about him! He's too stupid to notice we're gone, and he'll probably go running back to his patroness after he wakes up," Tabbi said. "Ooh. I think you would do nice for a replacement until my Hotpants is back," Tabbi raised her eyebrows.
"Mmm. Do you mind accompanying us back to where we're supposed to be?" Meghan included.
"Sure. We don't mind," the third fireman smiled.
"Good," Kimmie grinned as she took the offered arm of one of the fireman.
"What do you mean Colonel Fitzwilliam is in a city that nobody's heard of and Tabbi, Meghan, and Kimmie are stuck in a room with Slime Bucket?" Tiki shrieked when Colleen came to the Darcy Darlings' fort.
Colleen shrugged, "Somebody let the colonel away, and somebody locked those three in with Mr. Collins. But Tabbi had her cell phone so Meghan was able to tell me to call the fire department. They should be out soon."
"I bet it was those Knightley lovers. Wait until I get my hands on them," Tanisha said, punching her fist into the palm of her hand.
"Look! There's a bomber plane!" Tiki suddenly exclaimed.
All eyes in the fort turned upwards outside to see a bomber flying noisily past them. A collective "Ooooooooh" was heard throughout the site.
(Author here: I don't know why I included the bomber plane thingamabob. Must be that a bomber keeps flying over my little subdivision place thingy. Or maybe that I'm obsessed with planes. And bombs. Heh. Not really bombs. But planes are cool. Hmmm. *shrugs* Oh well. The bomber's cool to look at. Now back to the story.)
"You should have seen those suckers!" Leah told Elli, Bridget, and Crysty excitedly. "They walked right into the trap with Mr. Collins!"
The four laughed evilly (MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) but suddenly stopped when they observed the three they were laughing at walking, escorted by three firemen. As they walked by the four knaves, Tabbi, Kimmie, and Meghan all smiled triumphantly towards the four, but didn't say anything.
The four knaves' mouths dropped open in surprise before Elli said sarcastically, "Oh yeah. Some group of suckers they are."
The three escapees and fireman finally arrived at the entrance to the Darcy Darlings' fort. Meghan, Tabbi, and Kimmie excused the firemen and entered the fort to the cheers of the other people in the fort.
"Kimmie! I have the weather report!" Andrea cried as she came in.
"Ooh! Goodie!" Kimmie laughed.
"Err. Kimmie? Why do we need the weather report?" Meghan asked, confused.
"Cuz! We need to know what the weather is so we can pick the right uniform."
"Uniform?" Tiki asked.
"Duuuuuuuuh. Uniform! Darcy's all cold and wet so we need to make him more comfortable with dry clothes. And what better outfit is there than a uniform?"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Everybody nodded.
"Actually, I lied," Kimmie admitted after it quieted down. "The weather report isn't for the uniform; I'm putting whatever uniform looks best on him, no matter what color or material it is. I'm just fascinated with weather."
"Huh?" Everybody questioned.
Kimmie shrugged, "Well, slap mah fro! Why else did I want a whole weather center in this fort?"
Everybody shrugged. And was quiet. Nobody knew what to do now.
The silence was finally stopped when Andrea heard a commotion outside and stepped back in with three rather good-looking men with accents. (Different accents, but that doesn't matter.)
"Kimmie. These men claim to know you."
"Oh yeah! Those are my husbands." Ewan McGregor, Ricky Martin, and Heath Ledger stood beside each other, looking at Kimmie with unrestrained admiration. (A.N. : *cough cough*)
"Umm. Kim, darling, the fight is in a time-out, so I, um, we, decided we wanted to come see you," Ewan said in his Scottish accent.
"Oh, how sweet," Kimmie replied, talking as if she were talking to children. Turning to Heath, who was standing with a cigarette in his mouth (but still looking incredibly hot), she scolded, "Heath! How many times have I told you to stop smoking?!"
Immediately, Heath took the cigarette out of his mouth and put it out with his foot. "I'm sorry. Will you ever forgive me?" Heath asked (with his Australian accent) with his puppy dog eyes.
"Of course, Heath! I'll always forgive you," Kimmie smiled. Heath's face immediately went into his beautiful smile.
"I don't smoke!" Ricky said proudly, craving attention from his wife.
"Of course you don't! You're voice would go bad!" Kimmie grinned proudly at her husband.
"Umm. Kimmie? Hate to interrupt this lovely family moment," Tabbi spoke up, "but I thought polygamy was illegal."
"Yeah. Well, I created my own religion and told the government to not interfere with the rules. Which include that women are allowed to have more than one husband, but men can only have one wife."
The women's eyes in the room brightened up at this. "If you want to join," Kimmie continued, "give me your home addresses, and I'll send some propagan...er...information for you."
After a few moments of contemplation, Tanisha cleared her throat and said, "Shouldn't we start getting Darcy in his uniform and everything? They'll probably continue fighting soon."
"You're right," Kimmie agreed. "We need to split up. Some people need to do something to some knaves for what they did to Meghan, Tabbi, and I. Some people have to hold down the fort, and others have to come with me to get Darcy ready."
"Hey! I'll stay here," Tabbi offered. "My Colonel Hotpants should be coming soon."
"Ooooh," Colleen drooled. "I'll stay here if I can see Colonel Hotpants."
"Great," Kimmie smiled. "Ewan, you can stay here and guard the entrance to the fort. Only allow any one of us back in. And Colonel Fitzwilliam."
Ewan nodded in his own Ewanish way (causing all the women to sigh) and then asked, "Can I use my light saber to ward off any evil doers?"
"Err...sure," Kimmie allowed. "Who wants to trap some knaves?"
Andrea and Tanisha spoke up. Tanisha smiled evilly, "We should do something really bad. Like trap them in a room with Collins and Miss Bates."
"Oooh. That's good!" Andrea agreed.
"Great. That leaves Meghan and me to help Kimmie change Darcy," Tiki smiled suggestively.
"Hey! I don't like this idea of you going into a man's locker room, Kimberly," Heath complained. (But it was with his gorgeous accent, so it wasn't annoying complaining.)
"Then you can come with us," his wife offered.
"What about me?" Ricky asked.
"You can give a concert!" Meghan exclaimed. "Keep the audience entertained!"
Ricky flashed his smile, "Okay!" He then rushed out of the fort to get a concert set up.
"Okay! Let's get to our jobs!" Tabbi commanded enthusiastically.
"Oh no!" Tanisha cried, running up to Leah, Tina, and Crysty. "Have you seen him?" she asked desperately.
"Seen who?" Tina asked.
"Knightley! He disappeared! We think he ran away because he didn't want to fight!"
"Tanisha!" Andrea cried from the next hallway. "I just saw him running this way!"
Leah, Tina, and Crysty automatically ran to see where Andrea was pointing. Without hesitating, they ran right into a room.
"Hey! I don't see him!" Crysty exclaimed. The three turned around to see Tanisha and Andrea closing a door behind them. Then they heard two people's endless chatter.
"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Leah cried. "Not Collins and Miss Bates!"
Scared, the three huddled next to each other in a corner and cried.
Outside, Andrea and Tanisha were trying to figure out how to secure the door better. They didn't want to leave in fear that the trapped knaves would get out. Just then, they saw Kimmie, Meghan, Tiki, and Heath coming around the corner carrying the boxes of uniforms.
"Wut up?" Kimmie asked.
"We don't know how to secure this door," Tanisha explained. "We have Crysty, Leah, and Tina trapped in there, though."
"Excellent!" Tiki declared.
"Hmm. Well, there's no problem securing it," Kimmie said thoughtfully. "Stand back." When Andrea and Tanisha were away from the door, Kimmie pointed her finger and there was suddenly a blockade of a metal door, brick wall, barbed wire, and prickly rose bushes.
"Whoa. Thanks!" Andrea said.
"No problem," Kimmie replied as the four started walking again.
"I thought you said you weren't allowed to use your magic for anything evil," Meghan commented.
"Yeah. During times of peace. This is war. Everything's fair in war," Kimmie said with a wicked smile.
"Do you need any special schooling to become a witch?" Tiki asked.
"Yeah. I have my W.D."
"W.D.?" Tiki and Meghan asked together.
"Witches degree."
"Ahhhhhh."
Finally they made it to the locker room. "Heath, you go in there and make sure they're decent," Kimmie told her husband.
"Okay," Heath smiled and entered the room (while the three girls melted at his smile).
A moment later, Heath poked his head out. "Safe to come in."
The three girls entered with the boxes and turned to Darcy and Knightley who were looking at them in confusion.
"Hello boys," Meghan smiled.
"We need to see Darcy for a minute," Tiki added.
"Why?" Darcy asked. "Anything you say to me has to be heard by Knightley," Darcy folded his arms definitely.
"Fine. Whatever," Kimmie sighed. "We need to dress you in a uniform."
"Why?" Darcy questioned.
"Cuz men look hot in uniforms," Tiki grinned.
"Hey! I'm not wearing a uniform unless Knightley does."
"Why?" Meghan asked.
"Because it wouldn't be fair."
"Fine. Whatever," Kimmie rolled her eyes. "But we're choosing the uniform that looks best on you and if it doesn't look good on Knightley... TOO BAD!"
Darcy's and Knightley's eyes got bigger at Kimmie's sudden temper, while Heath still stood by looking at his wife admiringly. (A.N. : *cough cough cough*)
The girls got to work. They made Darcy try on every uniform (while their eyes were turned the other way...and if you believe there was no peeking, then you're in a dream world) from U.P.S. to the British Navy. Finally, the girls decided on the U.S. white naval uniform (cuz the authoress pretty much thinks that any man in that uniform is to die for), and Darcy and Knightley changed from their ridiculous outfits to the uniforms.
"Good. That went well," Meghan smiled. "See you out in the ring."
Tiki, Meghan, Kimmie, and Heath then left the locker room. Outside, they found Andrea and Tanisha and they all made their way back to the fort. When they got there, they found Ewan practicing sword fighting with his light saber, dressed in Regency uniform (from his part as Frank Churchill). When he saw them, he suddenly stopped and stepped aside to let them in.
What they found when they entered left them in shock. Colonel Hotpants had arrived while they were gone, and was huddled (dressed only in leather pants) in a corner muttering something. Colleen and Tabbi were across the room, discussing something, each eyeing the colonel while Arleen Leah (who brought the Colonel from Nunavut) was sitting quietly (in her usual sensible manner) reading a book.
"Err. Whassup?" Meghan asked the quiet room.
Tabbi and Colleen looked up and Tabbi answered, "Colonel won't let us kiss him! He ran away and is now just sitting there, muttering."
"Heehee. I can fix that!" Kimmie exclaimed. Once again, she pointed her finger, but this time at the Colonel. All of a sudden, Colonel Hotpants stood up and walked towards Tabbi and Colleen, and kissed them both. (Not at the same time! They took turns!)
Arleen looked up at this, shook her head, greeted the newcomers, and went back to her book.
The silence was broken again by the sound of a song coming in.
La vida es
Pura pasion
Hay que llenar
Copa de amor
Para vivir
Hay que luchar
Un corazon
Para ganar
"Hmm. We should get back to the arena," Kimmie said. "That's always his last song at concerts. That means the fighting's going to start soon."
Everybody agreed and walked out of the fort, leaving Ewan to guard it still. (But thankfully, he was in Obi Wan Kenobi...or however you spell it...form, so nobody could get through.)
Como Cain y Abel
es un partido cruel
Tienes que pelear por una estrella
Consigue con honor
La copa del amor
Para sobrevivir y Lucha por ella
Luchar por ella (si!)
Luchar por ella (si!)
As the group went past the locked room with the three knaves in it, they heard a dull sound of nonstop chattering and another sound that appeared to be crying. Ignoring it, the group walked past it.
Tu y Yo!! Ale, ale, ale
Go, go, go!! Ale, ale, ale
Arriba va!! El mundo esta de pie
Go, Go, Go!! Ale, ale, ale
When they reached the arena, they saw the crowd standing up and singing with Ricky. Everybody's adrenaline was running, waiting for the continuation of the fight, thanks to Ricky Martin.
La vida es
competicion
Hay que soñar
Ser campeon
La copa es
La bendicion
La ganaras
Go, Go, Go!
The Darcy Darlings (and Heath) took their places in their section and smiled. They were anticipating the crowd's reaction to Knightley and Darcy in their uniforms.
Tu instinto natural
Vencer a tu rival
Tienes que pelear por una estrella
Consigue con honorLa copa del amor
Para sobrevivir y luchar por ella
Luchar por ella (si!)
Luchar por ella (si!)
The Darcy crowd turned to where the Knightley Knaves were sitting (minus the three locked in the room), giving each other confused faces at where those three were. The Darcy Darlings smirked before turning their attention back to Ricky.
Tu y Yo!! Ale, ale, ale
Go, go, go!! Ale, ale, ale
Arriba va!! El mundo esta de pie
Go, Go, Go!! Ale, ale, ale*
At the conclusion of the song, Darcy and Knightley appeared, dressed in their uniforms and the crowd (well, the women of the crowd) went wild. Chris was still acting like Colonel Fitzwilliam as Darcy's coach (since the real one was sitting with Tabbi and Colleen).
Suddenly, Stan's voice boomed out of the speakers, "Thank you, Ricky. And here are the fighters now. Dressed in...umm...what looks to be Navy Uniforms!" (Here the crowd went wild again.) "Okay! Let's get ready to RUUUUUUMMMMMMMMBLE! Again!"
* "La Copa de la Vida" by Robi Rosa, Desmond Child, Luis Gómez Escolar