* Nice Hat! Colonel Fitzwilliam *drool* and Darcy *well, drool for him too* switch top hats while at Rosings, we are positively certain.I swear it is the SAME hat. They look SO similar. It's like they have met up and had this conversation. "Darcy-old bean, I like your hat" "Yes *insert first name, even if it is Colonel* it is a rather fine hat, it is all the crack!" "Here let me have a go!". And then somewhere between Tape one and Tape two, they swap back again. Perhaps the Colonel can't afford such a charming hat, which Erin liked to call Nice. But I really think putting Darcy/Colonels hat in the same basket as Brandy's dippy monstrosity as cruel. And so it is! Which is why they're not. But they're both deserving of the 'nice hat' , even if one of them is being sarcastic.
End of Prologue (excerpt from Bargo Weekend Extravaganza by Erin H. with comments in brown from Shemmelle. )
Noble *Riducklus Gudgeon* Authoress Erin H and gentle Saga-Forming Authoress Shemmelle PRESENT for your viewing pleasure...our version of Pride and Prejudice.
This contains gratuitous references to incidents that both the authoresses Discovered, with help and without, in Pride and Prejudice and has we believe has the distinction of being quite a ....new...sort of Perspective to Jane Austen's fine work.
Erin H...embarked on this mission owing to...well I'll let her words be our guide:
"This is a piece of silliness by us that is a direct result of our Weekend Extravaganza. I Blame It, Not Jane - but IT. Because without it we would have never discovered the hat situation."
Shemmelle had a different sort of motive, stuck as she is in her bomb shelter, she needed something to do...After inviting Tabbi in to stay, she found herself deprived of all the men. Also she felt that she needed to do something to atone herself with her audience of her long running soap opera.
Both the Authoresses discovered how a Certain item of clothing just slowly takes over the entire story of Pride and Prejudice...So without further ado, here is the story of......*trumpet fanfare*
It wasn't that Darcy disliked shopping, but he was not a patient man, and after going into more than one or two clothing shops in a day he was frankly sick of them. Weston was a different matter, but hey, he made coats that needed assistance to get into. He was worth waiting around for and it would not do for a man of £10 000 per annum to go about dressed like a cottager in rags, so he had to shop.
The purpose of this shopping expedition was to help his dear friend Bingley, just out of mourning for his father, to buy some less gloomy clothes. This type of excursion many years later would be dubbed by one of the author's friends as Man-Shopping. Man-Shopping is something completely different from any other form of shopping and sometimes takes a life of it's own.
Darcy looked at the examples of coats he might wear in trepidation. Darcy, you see, liked his colours dark, but he did not wish to appear too dark.....it might make his complexion look sallow so he preferred coats that were a touch off black.
But he liked this shade of green.
He quite liked that shade of green in fact. Green was such a good colour. It made colours like Orange look positively woeful, and invested a sort of powerful independence in the wearer. He wasn't mourning, he was in CONTROL.
Bingley however was looking at hats. The one that had taken his fancy was a tall black hat with somewhat of a curved brim. Bingley was flourishing it about and bowing and attempting all sorts of actions with this particular hat. Darcy frowned, the hat was a very fine hat, no doubt about that but it stirred some recollections in Darcy...some very painful recollections....
Flashback Mode......If I needed someone to love, your the one that I'd be thinking of.
It was a Thursday. Only one more day until Darcy left Cambridge for a break at Pemberley. Having little else to do he went for a walk. Not a long walk, mind, just one around the corner. Life was not too bad. He had done fairly well in his exams, and was really looking forward to a dip in the pond at Pemberley..... his mind was not exactly focused on where he was going .... and he slammed into something. It rather hurt. But he was okay. The worst he would come off with would be a bump on his forehead.
"Sorry 'bout that, Darce old chap. Mustn't have seen where I was going" George Wickham smiled his plastered-on-smile (the one that fooled everyone real good, and made them all like him - yeahhhhh right Wicky)
Darcy felt his head, and Gasped. His absolutely dapper, top-of-the-class top hat was perched precariously on his head, and was battered in the middle, into a sort of hourglass figure if hats are allowed to have the appearance of such. The hat now looked like Marilyn Monroe had Marilyn Monroe been alive then. But she was not so that is of little significance. But the Hat - the hat which he had spent such a fortune on and had taken ages to be made, with the perfect, precise dimensions for his head - was ruined.
So he would have to go through the agony of purchasing another.
How frustrating.
And it was ALL George Wickham's fault.
That .... that .... that .... "George... " Darcy growled, "You'll pay for this (not literally, because Wickham didn't have enough money to buy such a Fine Specimen of the Hat Species)." That was because Nobody Wrecks Fitzwilliam Darcy's Favourite Top Hat and Gets Away With It.
That hat had been a masterpiece. If you could love a hat, Darcy loved this one. And he had never been able to get another hat like it. But then today, in that shop with Bingley, Darcy had sighted another hat. A Replacement.
Darcy snapped out of his vision and launched himself across the room. If there had been a camera filming the action, it would have been in slow motion with the terrible sounding long drawn out NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Sound attached).
"My hat!"
"Your Hat??" cried Bingley with an astonished look, as Darcy yanked the hat out of his hand.
"Yes, I had one just like this! Until..... Wickham destroyed it! I have finally found another! I must have it! I must have it! Must!"
Found out what I dreamt of, and I looked it up. At this very moment what I want is what I've got. Found out what was missing, and I looked it up, and at this very moment, What I've got is what I want..
Bingley looked a bit confused, especially when he saw Darcy simultaneously shoving his fist in his mouth and lovingly stroking the hat. A rather tricky combination - you ought to try it some time.
"Well old chap, if you are that attached to it, I suppose you could have it. " Bingley looked down at his feet.
Darcy suddenly felt ashamed. He shrugged his shoulders and held the hat out to Bingley.
"I have already had a hat like this, I should not be trying to deny you the pleasure of owning this veritable English Treasure. It is more precious than even England's Crown Jewels!"
Bingley held the hat once more and felt torn. It was a Nice Hat. He was Besotted with it. But Darcy was his friend... and Darcy seemed pretty Besotted too.....
Suddenly a miracle occurred. The proprietor of the shop coughed. Both men wheeled around. There was the exact same hat. They could both have one!
Darcy took his hat (he wore it even more frequently than he wore some er.. other pieces of clothing... ) with him when Bingley was looking at a house to take for the season. His horse would have thought the hat a splendid piece of apparel had he not seen it ten zillion times before (which is neither here nor there). So instead of breaking into effigies of praise, the horse neighed and harumphed louder than Bingley's horse, just to show who was Boss.
Darcy loved his new replacement hat so much that when he did come to Netherfield, he could not bear to wear it at the assemblies there - it was too fine a specimen to be seen in the Company of Savages. So instead he wore the hat which made him look like a Captain... Oh Captain, my Captain.... yeah, I think you get the picture... though really he would have been better off wearing the hat, as the Captain hat became him about as well as orange became Miss Caroline "Valencia" Bingley.
Sadly he had to take off the Captain hat when he got inside, which was enough to make anyone's good mood turn sour (especially if they weren't in a good mood to start off with). Darcy had decided before he left for the Assembly rooms that, well, he couldn't go without his Dear Replacement Hat, so he took it with him, but wore the other, which was more eminently suited to a gentleman entering such a lowly gathering (starting to sound like Mr. "Bottom" Collins I fear...).
And things just went downhill from there.
First there was some chatterboxy old woman, who expected the hatless Fitzwilliam Darcy to dance (as though he would), then Valencia Bingley just had to claw her hands onto his arm, leaving it embedded with ..er.. clawmarks. After that Bingley tried to get him interested in a chit (with remarkable eyes - what would she think of his hat? If only she were a man - then she could see how splendid his hat really was) so he set him in place by saying she was only tolerable. He was the Boss, and he didn't dance unless he could find someone worthy of minding the hat while he danced, and then only for a short half-hour.
But the er... crowning moment came when Darcy discovered that his hat had been missing for some part of the evening (Country Savages were trying to get a piece of it) and that - worse than all - it had a smudge mark on it! Darcy's opinion was set. Meryton was a place filled with rusticated old busybodying fools who didn't know a good hat when they saw it, or give the said hat the praise it was due.
Darcy did not take his hat out into public on very many occasions for the above reason. But there were, of course, times in which not even Darcy's solicitude for his hat could prevent his taking it with him.
And I swear, I'll be there. Any time you want me to. I'll be true, Here for you. Don't leave me lonely, Cause I need you..
"Taking your hat with you to protect you from Mrs. Bennet Darce?" asked Bingley as they set off to see if Miss Bennet had recovered from her illness (Bingley was so Besotted that he could think of numerous excuses to go to Longbourn, but they were not all welcomed by Darcy).
A muffled "Yes" was basically the reply.
"Admirable attempt, but I'm afraid it's not a full facade. However when pulled down about your eyes they make a jolly good attempt at shielding you from the world."
"Really?" said Darcy with an attempt at a guileless tone, which only served to make Bingley laugh. Darcy was affronted and made his horse take the lead while Bingley tailgated him (Darcy's horse was again showing who was Boss).
"I say - there are the Bennet's - in Meryton. What a stroke of luck!"
"What a stroke of luck indeed - now we don't have to go near MRS. BENNET" That would have been a TRAGEDY. Going near that WOMAN could only make someone feel ILL. Darcy wondered that Jane had gone home so quickly - wouldn't she have wanted to stay AWAY from HER?
Bingley stole up beside Darcy.
Darcy's horse harumphed.
Darcy told it politely to shut up.
Bingley's face was about to break from smiling too much.
Darcy tried to stop looking at Elizabeth.
It didn't work, so he gave up.
But then he saw what was NEXT to Eliz... Miss Bennet.
WICKHAM.
Darcy took one look at him and memories surged through himself. Georgiana ... his hat .... Georgiana... his Hat..... Georgiana.... his Hat......
He had to get away.... Georgiana... ... his hat .... Georgiana... his Hat..... Georgiana.... his Hat...... Georgiana ... his hat .... Georgiana... his Hat..... Georgiana.... his Hat...... Georgiana...... his hat .... Georgiana... his Hat..... Georgiana.... his Hat...... Wickham was haunting him. Or rather, all that which Wickham had involved his cursed self with was haunting him.
When will the good apples fall, on my side of the fence? When will I taste the sweet fruits of life? When will the sun smile for me, through great cloudy skies above?
He had to get away, and quick. Before Wickham could wreck the Hat, like he had done the last time.
He did not even notice Mr. Collins. But if he had, he would have thought hats that made people look as stupid as this one made Mr. Collins appear (but then him looking stupid is not a difficult feat) OUGHT NOT to be made. Especially such a flimsy concoction. Truly disgustipating and most definitely not worth the money that had been paid for it..
Mr. Hat did not spend much time surveying the wild and untamed beauty of the Peaks.... uhhh, wrong scene .... but he didn't spend much more time outside in Hertfordshire either, for that matter. This Hat had heard of it's Predecessors fate, and was not quite eager to be torn to shreds by Wickham.
Even still, Mr. Hat was much disappointed to find that he had not been invited to perch atop it's owner at the Netherfield Ball. How the Other hats would Scorn it ..... no they wouldn't.... as there were no hats going to be worn.... the hat was reconciled .... it should not become the laughing-stock of the hatstand. No indeed, for he was all the crack, and after all he was the Cherished One.
The next day, while leaving Netherfield for London, Darcy jammed his hat firmly on his head. He noted with some satisfaction that Bingley did the same. They would take no risks....if a sudden wind was to blow up...who knows what could happen to the hat Darcy mused over whether he should put it in the carriage with Caroline...then he realised that he could never taint his hat with Orange vibes. Bingley's hat was already distinctly looking like the hat that belonged to a man who had a sister who was a fashion disaster....Darcy did not want that fate. He would be a precious fool if he did.
He would be glad to be off to Rosings. At least Lady Catherine was never decked out in orange (it was Dead Bird instead, certainly not nearly as tasty as orange, not that the Authoresses would actually know... what Dead Bird other than chicken tasted like).
DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD - Darn she's not Darn's she's not. DING DONG THE HAT THIEF IS HERE (aka Rosing's Park...)
Darcy was sitting rather uncomfortably in Hunsford's Parsonage. He could have done with his hat. That evil little Toad Man had tried to lay his paws on it, until Darcy had delivered it into the hands of a maid...hopefully she would treat it with respect. But Darcy wished it was here, in his lap or by his side to give him strength as he gazed lovingly at Lizzy. I bet she would look beautiful in my hat...but could I really give it up? That hat was his addiction. He had to have it.
Suddenly Darcy realised evil Toad Man, who wore hideous hats which he covered in grease, was talking to him. Darcy stood up quickly and crossed the room (trying hard not to run) and exchanged some pleasantries with Lizzy. Darcy stared out the window, dreaming of hats. Trying to overhear Lizzy's conversation with The Colonel.
In fact, Darcy was a bit worried about the Colonel .... more than a bit actually....
Flashback to their Arrival at Rosings....Scene: Daytime, Interior; Darcy's Room with the *really* scary Bed....
"I say Darcy, old bean this is a fine hat...Why ever did you not wear it on our journey?"
Darcy looked up from unpacking...only to be affronted by the sight of the bed which struck him most forcibly with being a most atrocious shade of green - not at all like his wonderful coat - the coat was a far nicer shade.... once he tore his eyes from the monstrosity he saw the Colonel lovingly stroking his hat.
"I did not wish to get it dirty." Stated Darcy simply.
"Didn't you have one like this before??"
"Oh Yes. Wickham destroyed it. But I think this one is just as good."
"Do you mind if I borrow it some time??" asked the Colonel eagerly.
"I most certainly do mind!" cried Darcy, much shocked, and appalled.
Darcy went back to his unpacking...but he felt an uneasy turning in his stomach. ... a very uneasy turning.... the type that would make you positively ill had you not been excited about a certain Miss Bennet being located in the vicinity.....
Fast forward - the Hat does not feature much - Lady Catherine didn't care for Darcy's hat as much as she should have. This did not irk Darcy - it meant he only had to watch out for the Colonel, though maybe Anne too...
Darcy...worried about his cousin's fascination with his hat began to make sure he took it everywhere. He was sure he saw the Colonel salivating over his hat one morning. But thankfully he didn't leave any evidence. He was just not going to take any chances. It was far too nice a hat to get into the Colonel's er... messy room. Mr. Hat would not come out alive... .. Where he went...the hat would go too.
Darcy was taking a nice sedate ride (it was sedate so the hat did not fall off) through the woods of Rosings when he saw Lizzy. He paused on his horse and felt words rising to his throat...
"Nice Hat."
But he couldn't managed to actually form the words. This is probably a Good Thing, as it was Quite a favourite saying with the other authoress of this story and she has a Thing about People Stealing Her Phrases.
Darcy thought perhaps Lizzy had not quite seen his striking form in the woods, perhaps she had not taken in the Full Beauty of his Hat. So he decided to visit her. She appeared surprised that he was visiting her. If Darcy visited me, I'd be surprised too.
Darcy carefully sat down, crossed his legs and held his hat on his knee. He thought he looked quite manly. In fact it looked as though he had a bizarre growth, in the shape of a hat (well it wasn't going to be a rhinoceros, was it? Nooooo. ), coming out of his knee. But we will not disillusion him, we will let him think he looks fine. He's still a bit arrogant, remember, and we don't wish him to get *angry* with us.
They had an entirely inconsequential conversation...it did not feature hats...so it is of little interest (Rhinoceroses are not of interest in this story either, btw) . Mr. Darcy felt he had stayed too long, so he quickly left Lizzy and strode back to Rosings. He took a little detour due to his feeling for some strange reason - oddly flushed. He waved his hat in front of his face several times and felt slightly better.
He returned his hat to the sacred care of his valet and went in search of The Colonel. He found him in his own chambers. Colonel Fitzwilliam jumped up at Darcy's entrance and appeared to be hiding something. He really did look highly suspicious - but he was also highly cute at the same time, but Darcy (thank goodness) did not appreciate that.
"What are you doing Fitzwilliam?" asked Darcy.
"Uh.. Nothing, Nothing.. Yes, Nothing at all" stammered Col. Fitzwilliam looking a little flustered.
"Let me see what you have behind your back!" cried Darcy.
The Colonel would not show it to him, so Darcy was forced to chase his cousin around the room until he wrested ..................... a Hat from him.
.
.
.
.
.
This hat was decidedly inferior to Darcy's but someone appeared to have been trying to make this *inferior* specimen look like His Hat It wasn't that successful though... Blacking came off in Darcy's hands and the brim had been attacked with something that had tried to make it curl, and there were stretch marks where someone had tried to make the hat the same imposing length as *his hat*. It looked remotely like a sabotage attempt.
Darcy manfully glared at the Colonel who shrunk at once. He was rather tall, unlike the Authoresses, and found himself at a height which would have been more like their own.
"Look I'm sorry Darcy but it is such a devilish fine hat.....Couldn't I wear it just once?" This Authoress sees fit to add that a begging Colonel would be such a darling sight...
"No! It's my hat! MY HAT!" shrieked Darcy jumping up and down like a small child. He was doing it rather too brown indeed, acting little better than a four year old. Shame on you Darcy! We won't let you go swimming later on if you don't behave yourself.... actually, we'll let you go swimming anyway.
"No give it to me Darcy you should Share! Haven't you ever been told to share?!" retorted Colonel Fitzwilliam also jumping up and down like a small child. His tone of voice had assumed childish standards too. BTW, when someone as tall as the Colonel starts jumping, the roof should take care.
This argument threatened to continue for some time, until a maid came to stoke The Colonel's fires (yes just literally...though she would have loved to metaphorically. But this is a family site and the Authoresses are young and impressionable and shouldn't... don't...know anything about that sort of thing.) But because it's the Colonel we wish we did.... ;)
A While later - who knows how long (and as it's not intrinsic to the story, who Cares about how long it was?)....
Darcy was in a panic...he had calmly and rationally decided that before he leave for London he would propose marriage to the divine, beautiful Lizzy. She wasn't really divine - because to be Divine you either have to be Mythological or Yoghurt. Somehow the Authoress can't imagine a Forest Fruits Lizzy being proposed to. She of course was really wholly unsuitable to marry because well....she had never said one thing about his hat...which really showed how badly bred she was... but Darcy was determined not to let this stand against her.
Now if ONLY he could find his hat. Darcy yelled for his Valet. Unfortunately for poor Withers, he did not know WHERE his master's hat was. He was a bit of a ... forgetful person, but had been with the family since the beginning of Time, and thus he was destined to stay.
Darcy was in a flap...then he suddenly had an idea - it was not an idea he welcomed, but it was likely nonetheless... THE COLONEL.
Darcy ran to his cousin's chambers like a madman...he leapt maids scrubbing floors, slid down some banisters, realised his cousin's room was not down a floor and took another flight of stairs (For Lady C had several you know) up - two at a time and finally made it to the Colonel's room.
The first thing he noticed was a lack of his hat. The second thing he noticed was a lack of his cousin and the third thing he noticed was the *really* hideous bed....much worse that his own even - Gee Aunt Catherine has really bad taste. There should be a law against Dead Birds being implanted in furniture.... Darcy decided he certainly didn't begrudge his cousin his room.
Darcy shook his head....No he was getting distracted! Darcy took off at a run again, this time making for the entrance hall. He narrowly missed knocking over Lady Catherines pseudo - mock - fake - counterfeit - imitation - phoney - reproduction - Ancient Chinese Vase but that was of little matter - she had about 20 in the attic relics, all from the Regency equivalent of bargain basement shopping.
Darcy almost collided next with his Aunt's highly efficient and thoroughly unbreakable footman. He would have to be efficient to keep his job with Lady Catherine, though the fact that he should desire to keep a job serving her is beyond me...
"Have you seen my cousin??" panted Darcy.
"Yes sir, he was taking a tour of the park."
"WAS HE WEARING *MY* HAT????????" shrieked Darcy shaking the highly rigid and proper footman.
"I regret sir, that although I noticed that the Colonel was wearing a hat I cannot, I regret again, venture to claim to whom the ownership of the particular item in question rests with..." the footman said, twirling about in circles from being shook (but he didn't do a very accurate pirouette)
"Say WHAT??" squawked Darcy (not the parrot type of squawk, it must be a Shem-invented squawk).
"I COULD NOT TELL WHO THE BLASTED HAT BELONGED TO SIR - it's a flipping HAT!!" yelled the Irate Footman.
This disclosure sent Darcy into a spin (give him 7.5 for the pirouette) . He raced around the house unending drawers and hoping that his cousin was not really......*DA DUM DA DUM*
But he knew deep down that if he denied it, he was lying to himself......
Meanwhile .....in a field
The Hat was placed firmly on the Colonel's head. What Darcy doesn't know will never hurt him he thought smugly. The Colonel looked up and saw....Miss Bennet...Well my word! What a fine person to run into when wearing such a fine hat! The Day was dawning bright for the Colonel. It was an omen - the hat did Great Things for the wearer - Mr. Hat was .... oooh.... Magic.
fast-forward a painful scene - where Authoresses yell - *OH STUDMUFFIN - WHY DOST THOU HAVE SUCH A BIG MOUTH* Seeing these Authoresses watch P&P together is a tres amusing sight - as Duel Boy can attest.
The Colonel snuck into Rosings, via an obliging staff entry - he passed some blushing maids, but they didn't bother him at all. He knew he was somewhat late for his Aunt and he had to get the hat back without Darcy seeing him. He hoped and hoped and hoped that he would do it in time...
The Colonel dashed up some staircases (that were rather dank and narrow - not even eminently suitable for a clergyman! Lady Catherine must be unaware of their existence, or she would have scolded them into being more eminently suited...) Thus he was able to return Darcy's hat with little fuss. Withers gave him a withering look (it was a terribly withering look) and said quite haughtily that "Mr. Darcy was a little put out by it's disappearance Colonel."
The Colonel gulped. He wasn't meant to know! So the Colonel did what any guilty but self respecting young man would do - he went out for another very long walk, where he knew Darcy would not venture to, thereby keeping out of his way until he either ultimately forgot or forgave.
Mr. Hat was having an exceedingly busy day. It was always being used by Darcy, and now with the Colonel using him too, he was a well-used hat. And he didn't get any additional payment for services rendered either. It was not an easy life being a Hat.
And now, when Mr. Hat would rather be settled up upon a shelf or hat stand for the night, what should Darcy decide to do but take a walk? But Mr. Hat was powerless to resist this violation of his resting time, and he was deftly and gingerly placed on Darcy's head and went with him, bound for Hunsford.
Hunsford, where Mr. Hat knew the Toad Man lived. But the Toad Man was coming to Rosings for Dinner. Why was Darcy going to Hunsford? The bell at the door was rung, and Darcy entered, walking directly into Mrs. Toad Man's drawing room.
In it was not Mr. Toad Man, Mrs. Toad Man or Mrs. Toad Man's sister, but Miss Bennet - whom Mr. Hat suspected that Darcy liked.
His suspicion was proved correct when Darcy gently but nevertheless cast his hat aside to rest on a seat. Mr. Hat was Insulted. He was not intended to sit on chairs, but on heads. This was another violation. Mr. Hat considered going on strike, but after he heard Darcy's first words he decided that before he actually went on strike, he would listen to this very interesting dialogue taking place in a room filled with Monkey-People Wallpaper.
"You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and ... love you." Was that love an Afterthought Darcy? I am Ashamed of you!
Miss Bennet looked like her mouth was going to drop in 'The Mask' style. That would have been pretty funny, come to think of it. Darcy wasn't a terribly astute person at the time, and did not notice her shock. If he had, he would likely have thought it occasioned from her gasping at her good fortune.
You guys all know what happens here, and this was all that Mr. Hat saw, because he can't look into the minds of others, he only covers the minds from the sun.
Darcy was *not* in a terribly *good* mood as he stormed out of the room, grabbing the hat on his way. The Hat, full of it's own self importance, considered what Miss Bennet had said about Darcy. What an arrogant fellow! And to think, I have to bear being placed on his head! At least Miss Bennet (who had no hats nearly so nice as Mr. Hat) had not mentioned the hat or criticised it. Darcy remembered this, and it was the only thing that stopped him from crying.
He tore up the stairs (not physically, the hat and it's wearer were not in a strenuous destructive mood) and went in the direction of his ghastly room. The Colonel stepped out of another doorway. "Darcy, where have you been?"
"YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Mr. Hat (but he was not heeded by the Fitzwilliam's). He had by no means forgiven him for taking him out in such a sneaky fashion, and he had been there to hear the Colonel tell Miss Bennet about Darcy's interference with Bingley (who had a Fine Hat, if Mr. Hat said so himself) and the eldest Miss Bennet.
He was much inclined to blame the Colonel for all of his and Darcy's present misfortunes, but it was against the Hat Code of Ethics to voice this.
Dance a little stranger. Show me where you've been. Love can make you hostage, wanna do it again. There's no time to think about the starting or the end. We'll find out I'm told. My mother she told me so! I just wanna Fly ---The Letter
MR Hat was cold. They had been standing in this clearance for quite some time. Suddenly a twig cracked. There was Elizabeth and they were wearing Colour Coded tops! It was like a sign! Mr. Hat hoped that Darcy wasn't going to do something stupid - like talk! However, Darcy acquitted himself quite well, he gave the letter properly and courteously if a little bit coldly. Mr. Hat felt a bit proud of Darcy...but this was tempered by Darcy's stupidity from the day before. Indeed Mr. Hat could not understand it at all! Why would he act so ridiculously? Darcy was known for his calm even cold demeanour. Mr. Hat shook his brim. Men were strange things.
The Farewell
Mr. Hat sorely wished he had hands which could shoo away people whom he did not desire to go near him. Like Colonel Fitzwilliam.
That insufferable, spoilt, mean, thieving, conniving, ruthless..... handsome, gorgeous, irresistible Stud Muffin... Mr. Hat was quite put out at the Authoresses distraction - this was supposed to be about Him, not some thorough rascal. The said rascal had once more attempted to nick off with Mr. Hat the next day when paying his good-byes at Hunsford, but had been Crossed by the Cross Withers and the Crosser Darcy. Feeling slightly ...cross... and a little on the disappointed side, the Colonel stayed at Hunsford a little longer than Darcy - for over half an hour, to be precise.
He felt that the sight of Miss Bennet must surely starve away all his Hat-related sorrows.... Wait! She saw him with the hat yesterday .. would she think the worse of him because he was no longer wearing that confounded hat? There was no knowing ... Blast that hat... It caused the previously faultless Colonel to turn into a common thief ... To quote his Aunt it was not to be borne... She would have been most seriously displeased to know the Shades of Matlock had been thus polluted.
London - Hello, Hello, Hello How Low!!! Here we are now; entertain us! I'm worse at what I do best, and for this gift I feel blessed.
The shades of the Darcy townhouse were coming close to becoming polluted too. Ever since Darcy had returned to it, chastened Hat in tow, the place had been decidedly dismal, and the curtains remained often drawn. It is to be remarked that sunlight is not the bosom buddy of a man who is quite clearly foxed, and more than a trifle disguised.
Mr. Hat thought it was quite offensive to see his formerly cock-sure master, so withdrawn and dismal. In fact it was most repulsive and regrettable to Mr. Hat that Darcy, formally one so meticulous and correct about his attire, could hardly draw himself out of his night-clothes and shave. He just wandered aimlessly around the town house, intermittently crying out for his mummy to take the frog out of his bed, because "George is being mean". Mr. Hat could only conclude that the copious amounts of brandy and gin and whiskey and port and even ratafia was the explanation for this wild behaviour. Oh how the mighty have fallen, mourned Mr. Hat.
Darcy never went anywhere anymore, how could any member of the ton see him if his master did not go anywhere?
I may be dumb but I'm not a dweeb, I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem
Mr. Hat was seriously considering whether he should have let Colonel Fitzwilliam steal him, a member of his majesty's armed forces would surely have gone places worthy of Mr. Hat. But it was not to be. Mr. Hat was forced to stay at home. Mr. Hat tried to understand Darcy's predicament, indeed it was most upsetting and disheartening to have your one true love rebuff and rebuke you in such a fashion, but really one must pull ones self up by the boot straps!
Mr. Hat must have been sending out very strong vibes, because one day suddenly Darcy decided to *conquer this* he started to dress and shave and only drink moderately he even went fencing. Mr. Hat was proud...now soon Darcy would go out in public and Mr. Hat could once shine in the spotlight and push odious Mr. Brummell's hat out of the prestigious' top hat' position!
Alas it was not to be, Darcy decided to go to Pemberley and worse luck, to take Caroline Bingley and the Hurst's with him. Thankfully he had invited Bingley, the nice young man who owned also a very fine hat. Mr. Hat was also very thankful that Darcy chose to ride on ahead of the party.
Ba Rump di ump di ump di ump ....BON- NAN - ZA!! Don't even think about it! Don't go and get me started! Don't you dare drive me crazy! Don't do that to me baby! ...... okay, you can...
The horse strained with exertion as it galloped quickly over the ground, turf flying up under its hooves. Mr. Hat was feeling sweat gathering at it's hatband, this was not, I repeat not, a good thing. Mr. Hat was feeling limp and lifeless.
Thus Mr. Hat was very happy that Darcy pulled his horse sharply up and dismounted. Mr. Hat could have wished for the dismount to have been smoother, indeed Mr. Hat almost fell off Darcy's head.
Darcy looked towards the inviting calm of the pond, just the thing for a refreshing dip... Darcy was trying not to think of Elizabeth but he couldn't, the next best thing obviously was to jump in a lake.
Darcy stripped off his coat, and his waistcoat and then his hat. Mr. Hat almost cried with anguish as he was put down...actually touching the grass.
"IS HE NOT AWARE OF THE VILE NATURE OF GRASS STAINS??" shrieked Mr. Hat.
However Darcy was (quite surprisingly) not even thinking about the welfare of his beloved hat, his mind was quite taken with the idea of his beloved Elizabeth.
Mr. Hat, quietly sobbed on the grass, Darcy did not solely love him anymore...could it be possible? Mr. Hat was even some what wetted by Darcy's dive into the pond, mutton-chop sideburns flying.
Darcy picked up his clothes (and Mr. Hat) and strode towards Pemberley. (Mr. Hat was sure he was catching a cold *achoo*.) Darcy got within arms-length of Pemberley and almost ran into Miss Bennet.
"Mr. Darcy!!"
"Miss Bennet!!"
"PUT ME ON YOU STUPID MAN....."
However Mr. Darcy paid no attention to the calls of his personal apparel. Instead he stuttered, looked adorable and kept saying the same things over and over again. Then He ran off.
Mr. Hat feared for his life as they pounded up the stairs, then as they reached the threshold of Darcy's chambers....Mr. Hat suffered the ignoble, the humiliating, the mortifying, the base, the dishonorable...the plebeian fate of being thrown across the room as Darcy shed his clothes and scrambled into new ones.
Mr. Hat sniffed, as he was left, lying on his side under a coat. Mr. Hat wondered whether he was able to seek other employment, perhaps he should have made attempts to go with the Colonel. The Colonel would not have left him under a sweaty coat. However Mr. Hat was rescued by a servant before too long, so he did not have time to draft up his letter of resignation.
The next morning, when Mr. Hat was barely rested, he was grabbed and rammed upon Darcy's head. Mr. Hat had never before been rammed in all his life, he was most shocked and felt that such a crime was unpardonable.
Miss Darcy was shepherded into a carriage, and Mr. Bingley, equipped with his own stylish hat leapt in also. Mr. Hat, spend a lovely carriage ride conversing with his equal, who was obviously having a worse time than MR Hat was. MR Hat at least did not have to put up with Orange. A colour that offends the eyes and offends Hat's of supreme and unusual quality.
Mr. Hat, who if he could have taken in a breath surely would have done so, arrived at the Lambton Inn, and discovered that which had caused Darcy to hurry that morning. Miss Bennet was staying at the Inn, and he had come to visit her. Miss Bennet was not there. Miss Bennet was, in Mr. Hat's opinion, terribly ill mannered to have not been there. It was all HER fault he was so dusty, ill-treated and unkempt. It was just as well SHE would never have the opportunity to care for a hat like Himself - it would no doubt be wrecked within a week.
Miss Darcy though, darling that she was, could PERHAPS be trusted to look after such a top rate hat. She wouldn't do any worse than her brother had done of late, that was almost certain. Darcy seemed to have FORGOTTEN how to treat Hats such as Himself - with the utmost Respect, Dignity, Regard, Deference, Veneration, Admiration, Homage, Consideration, & Esteem - the Works!
The outcome of the visit was determined quite soon after Miss Bennet returned from her WALK. She was introduced to Miss Darcy, and invited to Dinner at Pemberley. Mr. Hat was not upset when he realised he would not be on display at the dinner table - for one he would be far too tough, and for another, those orange vibes were so potent that he couldn't stomach being around them for a long period of time.
Miss Bennet and her aunt and uncle came, ate, sang/listened, talked and left. That was the general course of most dinner parties. Mr. Hat was did not approve of this course - he was so adverse to it that with some degree of truth one could say he was repulsed, but as he did not have to attend, the young people could 'do as they pleased.' They did it commonly enough without consideration of Mr. Hat's opinions, but he was Simply a Hat (albeit a very fine one), whose ideas were not abided by.
The next time that Mr. Hat saw Miss Bennet was in painful circumstances. Darcy at first matched Mr. Hat with his favourite green coat, which really was a mood coat, it got blacker as Darcy got more nervous and mad.
The first look at Elizabeth - why be so formal?? - that Mr. Hat and Darcy got, was of a reddened face. It wasn't reddened through a blush or exertion, it was from the flush of crying. Mr. Hat was immediately dumped upon a table.
Mr. Hat was then privy to a piece of shock and amusement.
Darcy kept holding Elizabeth's hands, he would take one, then put it down, then pick one up then put it down. Then when he heard her very shocking news all he appeared to be able to do, instead of doing what Mr. Hat felt he should - which was take Elizabeth in his arms and comfort her. ANYWAY all he appeared able to at this monumentous occasion was almost eat his fist.
Mr. Hat was shocked at the lack of finesse and grace of this move of Darcy's and shuddered. MR Hat was not only shocked at his employer but shocked at the content of Elizabeth's tearful explanation.
Mr. Hat was upset, gravely upset. To think that Mr. Wickham was out there in the world, with a young lady, to whom he was probably imparting his shocking lack of regard for apparel - *he had heard stories* He was no doubt teaching her to destroy hats. Mr. Hat hoped that Darcy would not feel the need to go after Wickham, he had heard of the dreadful fate his Predecessor had suffered at Wickham's hands.
MR Hat felt very sympathetic towards Elizabeth and wished that Darcy would stop making such a berk of himself and tell Elizabeth the feelings that he was so obviously labouring under.
Oh baby baby How was I supposed to know that somethin' wasn't right here Oh baby baby I shouldn't have let you go And now you're out of sight, yeah Show me, How you want it to be.
Darcy however did not do this, instead he said some statements that were in the high risk category for misinterpretation and rode back to Pemberley.
Mr. Hat was quite put out, especially when he heard Darcy make some orders to the effect that made it obvious that Darcy going back to London, after Wickham . Then the incident at the Inn still grated on his nerves.
"I desperately want to take you in my arms, instead I think I will shove my fist in my mouth!"
Mr. Hat bowed his crown. How was it possible that he could have raised such a foolish owner? And to risk what should be his most prized possession to go into the depths of London's seedier side! What was the world coming to?
But it must be mentioned that if Darcy had left Mr. Hat behind, he would have been most upset. All by myself.. Don't wanna be, all by myself. Anymore.
The Seedier side! -- I'm so happy cause today I found my friends there in my head. I'm so ugly that's okay cause so are you! I like it I'm not gonna crack. I miss you I'm not gonna crack. I love you I'm not gonna I'll kill you I'm not gonna crack.
It was cold. It was chilly. It was freezing. It was... England, of course. Mr. Hat knew he'd had to put up with a lot lately - but this was surpassing all bounds. How DARE Darcy be presumptuous enough to take him out into these - slums. it was enough to give him a violent cold. Since hearing *the* news, Darcy had been ... obsessed. Not besotted, obsessed. He had to find Wickham, whom Mr. Hat had heard stories about. Mr. Hat quaked at the thought of meeting him - he had a predilection for destroying hats similar to himself...
No! Don't do it!. Why did Mrs. Younge have to give up so easily? Darcy the Avenging Angel stood at the threshold of the rooms said to house Mr. Wickham. Mr. Hat's career was coming close to a perilous end - he just instinctively knew it. The door opened. Mr. Hat prepared to gasp...................
insert own gasp here ------> ________
"La! Mr. Darcy! What are you doing here? Well don't just stand there! You've come to see George of course! Come in! isn't this just lovely? Me and George are so happy, aren't we Georgy-Porgy?"
Georgy-Porgy's reply was a grimace. Mr. Hat's fears were instantly allayed. This unpretentious creep could hardly wreck himself with a lady present. Though this Miss Bennet could not really be a lady if she had eloped....
Mr. Hat, if it could have of course held it's breath when it entered the lowly premises, would have done so. The stench was entirely too vile, in fact Mr. Hat could just feel the smells, weaving through his fabric. It would takes months before the stench would fully leave the fabric. Mr. Hat sincerely lamented that technology had not invented those nice cans of Fabric deodorisers that were quite *topflight* when it came to removing nasty stubborn smells.
While Mr. Hat was lamenting, Mr. Darcy was hard at work.
"I'm afraid Mr. Darcy, that I shall not be able to agree to those terms ...unless...."
"What is it Wickham?" snarled Darcy who had already named a higher price than he thought Wickham deserved simply to allow the matter to be dealt with, with speed.
"Well...dear Darcy...." smirked Wickham, "I feel some partiality....to that particular item." Wickham gestured.
Suddenly Mr. Hat became aware of the fact that Wickham was pointing at him.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
"Not my hat!" cried Darcy in some anguish.
"I'm afraid I must have the hat!"
"You most certainly will never have my Hat sir!" Why on Earth was Wickham being called Sir? He had no right to! Or left, for that matter.
"No No don't give me to such a vile man, I deserve better than him! I deserve to be on no less than a prince of men! Like you!" Mr. Hat quite unmanfully moaned.
Wickham however could not be swayed....well actually he could. He was swayed by a promise of a commission.
Somewhere infinitely better....a.k.a Gracechurch Street, which really *isn't* in Cheapside...Stupid Caroline Bingley. Something tells me I'm into something good..
Mr. Hat sighed with some relief when he saw the interior of this particular venue. Though Mr. Hat did feel some qualms when he saw that Mr. Gardiner was wearing *ahem* the same waistcoat. A waistcoat that in actual fact did little to recommend itself to anyone.
This of course lowered Mr. Gardiner in Mr. Hat's opinion but Darcy did not seem to be at all shocked by this lack of wardrobe variety. Mr. Hat, had to assume that Mr. Gardiner had several waistcoats all the same, because he did not appear to be emanating the smells that one would of course acquire, if one wore the same waistcoat from one's time at Pemberley, to London.
However, Mr. Hat decided to be swayed by Darcy's opinion on Mr. Gardiner, for Mr. Darcy was always right! Well in any case he was nev-ah wrong . Mr. Hat sat still as great affairs unfolded in front of him. Mr. Hat could not understand much of the mathematical and financial aspects of the discussion as he was a hat...and fibres don't seem to be taught the basics anymore!
Darcy was feeling acutely strange at the Gardiners, he was trying quite subtly to manage to sort out this business with Wickham, without making it appear to all and sundry that part of the reason he was doing it was because of a pair of extremely fine eyes. He was rendered rather well stern and he had the distinct suspicion that both the Gardiners were actually perfectly aware of his feelings and were treating him as they may treat a small boy denied a treat.
So Darcy after explaining the 'official' reason for his interference, left. And of course it does him much credit that he did not even notice Mr. Gardiner's repeated waistcoat. Just like the Gardiners were too polite to mention that his hat bore all the appearance of being Darcy's security blanket.
Da da Dum da...Da Da Dum Da..DAAAAAAAH. Da da Dum Da...Da da Dum da DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.. There's always something there to remind me..
The day of Lydia's wedding dawned bright. Mr. Hat was brushed lovingly and caressed by Withers as Darcy appeared to Morph slowly into an Avenging Angel of the Night.
Indeed Mr. Hat cowered from his place on the pew, when Darcy stood up next to Wickham. Surprisingly Darcy appeared to tower over everybody, but when one looked closer Darcy was only perhaps a little, a ver-ry little bit taller than Wickham.
But Darcy was not thinking about this! Darcy was thinking that he hoped the wedding would just be over, so he could pack Wickham - the Hat Destroyer of P&P - off to The North of England hopefully to fall into some open mine shaft...or something like that. However Darcy on no occasion ever wanted to Ship Wickham off to Australia...he felt Australia was already too overcrowded with Dickens characters no matter how lovable Mr. Micawber was. Then there were all the other maniacs in Australia ... Not to mention the existence of Darcy Wentworth in Australia - where Jane Austen most certainly never visited!
Mr. Hat felt Darcy's relief as he waved - well Darcy didn't really wave, he more smouldered the Wickhams off. Mr. Hat also felt Darcy's sorrow at not being able to run back to Hertfordshire and throw himself at the feet of Elizabeth. Though Mr. Hat, in his ruminations always took care to picture Darcy taking Mr. Hat off before throwing himself into the mud. Darcy of course cared nothing for this whatsoever, he just wanted Elizabeth.
The opportunity arose when Bingley invited him to shoot with him at Netherfield. Darcy was not 100% sure how this was going to further things with Elizabeth but in the words of Mr. Micawber - Something was bound to turn up.
It's off to Netherfield we Go - AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH Heigh Ho Heigh Ho!
Mr. Hat was not overly thrilled with the prospect of returning to Hertfordshire again. But there was one advantage though that could not be overlooked - there was no threat of imminent Mutilation By Wickham. So Mr. Hat put up no resistance when the time came (fat lot of good it would have done him if he *had* tried to resist). Anyway, those Hertfordshire savages were in dire need of sighting and appreciating Fine Fashion.
For three days the Netherfield men shunned the rest of the populace. After three days though, Mr. Hat was suitably ready to show his great looks off. He was pleased indeed to find that Darcy rode his black horse to Longbourn. Mr. Hat loved Snowy, Darcy's black horse. That gorse showed him off to such advantage. Snowy did not reciprocate Mr. Hat's feelings, but since he had never actually divulged this, he remained high in Mr. Hat's esteem.
Mr. Hat loved being perched on Darcy's head when he was riding. He was Supreme. He was Ham & Pineapple ... actually he wasn't ... He was Powerful. He was in Control. He was Unsurpassed. He was August. He was Dominant. He was Superior. He was ... yah you get the point...
But when he entered Longbourn, no longer was Mr. Hat so completely unparagoned. No, he was forced to take in the Wild and Untamed Beauty of the .... Longbourn garden. Trust Darcy to be always looking out the window. Mr. Hat could hardly turn himself around when in the company of Mere Mortals. So he was resigned. The garden was nice in itself, but why was Darcy staring at it? Next thing he'd be doing would be to start twisting his signet ring. Terrible habit formed in the Peninsula..... except that we have no proof that either Mr. Hat or Darcy were ever on the Peninsula (but such immaterial details as that are hardly intrinsic to the plot, so we shall disregard them).
Mr. Hat was deliberately obtuse and paid no attention to Mrs. Bennet (he didn't want a headache - Hat headaches were as serious as migraines, and terribly distressing to the Hats of the ton). Mr. Hat was not loathe to leave Longbourn after a quarter of an hour, or however long it was, and was only too pleased to be back in the Capable, Efficient, Worthy, Trusted, Faithful hands of the Eveready (not Eveready battery, or Duracell for that matter) Withers. Withers was a good man. He knew just how to treat a Hat after a hard day's work (even if there hadn't been work involved).
Darcy had to go to London. Mr. Hat didn't precisely know why, but he assumed it had something to do with Miss Bennet (everything these days had to do with Miss Bennet in some bizarre way). Darcy sighed as he picked up his cane and Mr. Hat as he was leaving.
Bingley came to see him off, and as they walked down the stairs and out to the carriage, Darcy knew he had to reveal a long kept secret to Bingley.
"Binglet....Er....Bungley.....uh...Bonglet......no....I mean... Bunger...."Darcy slapped himself on the head, accidentally crushing Mr. Hat in the process.
"No Bingley....there is something I must tell you. "
Mr. Hat was very conscious of the damage done to his brim, so he missed part of the conversation.
"You mean to tell me she was in London all that time and you concealed it from me?"
"Yes, it was very wrong of me Bingley it was a failure to recognise your true feelings and Miss Bennet's."
"Then you admit you were in the wrong?"
"Utterly and completely."
"Then I have your blessing?"
"Do you need my blessing?"
"No but I would like to know I had it all the same."
"Then go to it!"
Darcy at this point got into the carriage holding Mr. Hat carefully in his hands, as the carriage pulled away, Mr. Hat was sure he could hear Mr. Bingley...
"Get me my Gorse!..............Quick Man!"
Gorse? Mr. Hat really should clean out his ears...well if he had some it would! Mr. Hat was satisfied at least his partner...for Mr. Hat no longer felt that he really should be owned by Darcy...it really should be a partnership and while Mr. Hat had never signed any partnership papers, he was going to assume that if Darcy had realised he had a hat with a fully operating cerebral capacity, he would have offered it partnership.
Ten Days Hence...........You came in with the breeze. On Sunday Morning! You sure have changed since yesterday ...without any warning. I thought I knew you!
Mr. Hat was fuming. He was the most ill-used hat in the world! Indeed he should complain to the U.N committee dealing with Hat Rights!
He had been left in the carriage... in the carriage for 10 yes ten days. Consequently Mr. Hat missed Lady Dead Bird's visit. But Mr. Hat was not particularly upset about this, because Mr. Hat did not like Lady Dead Bird. She brought back memories of his brief time as a stolen good. The only good thing about this visit meant that it appeared to have sent Darcy scrambling back to Hertfordshire.
Hopefully this would mean that Darcy would remember his most prized possession! However, it did not bode well when Darcy almost sat on him when he entered the carriage.
Longbourn, Drawing Room - Cause it's a Bitter Sweet Symphony that's life!
Mr. Hat felt that he looked shabby. He was a bit put out that Darcy raced over to Longbourn, instead of waiting a respectable period, that would allow his apparel to breathe, fabric needs time to breathe don't you know! (especially leather, but that doesn't really apply in this instance...)
However before Mr. Hat was allowed time to sit down and relax, he was out again on a walk. If Mr. Hat had have had hands he would have shook his fist at Bingley, whose idea the walk had been. (But Binglet would have been too Besotted to notice, in any case).
So cross was Mr. Hat that he almost missed the momentous occasion that was occurring underneath him.
"You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged. But one word from you will silence me on this subject forever."
MR Hat, if he had a jaw, would have dropped it rather dramatically. So THIS was why he was beginning to be ousted from affection! Darcy really did love Elizabeth...and was determined to win her! Mr. Hat almost fell off Darcy's head when he heard Elizabeth's response...
Mr. Hat, as the happy couple walked along slowly, started to feel teary eyed. He tried to tell himself that it was the large amount of pollen that was lodging itself in his woven fabric. But really it was the idea that soon his partner...would be reft from him! Soon to become Tenant for Life with Elizabeth Bennet.
Of course the happy couple did not notice the pain, yet elation, of his beautiful hat.
The Wedding!!! A.k.a The Mrs. Bennet Extravaganza - Well I just might feel good. I wanna push you around! Well I will! Well I will! I wanna push you down! Well I will! Well I will! I wanna take you for granted.! I wanna take you for granted!
The preparations for the wedding had been ghastly! Mr. Hat was so happy he had not had to be there for most of it. He had seen the cold front that Darcy had put on for some of his soon-to-be relatives. Mr. Hat did not blame him....they on the whole were wearing dreadful hats.
In fact Mr. Hat was enjoying himself a bit, no one expected a hat to say anything or have an opinion on lace. It was great being a hat in some respects!
The wedding itself passed off without a hitch - except Darcy almost forgot Mr. Hat at one point, until good ole Bungster had picked it up and given it to the nervous Bridegroom...not that Bingley wasn't nervous, he just still had control of his central nervous system. (Though Mr. Hat personally thought that Darcy must have no nerves - Mr. Hat could not understand how someone could just put a flame out with his bare hands! Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch! )
Darcy got into the chaise and as it pulled away he... much to Mr. Hat's disgusted sensibilities...kissed Elizabeth. Then Darcy seemed to come to a realisation. He called for the carriage to stop, then yelled to Col. Fitzwilliam who ran up to the carriage with a bit of confused look on his face.
"Here. I want .... I want you to have this" Darcy smiled. "Heaven knows you've tried to take it from me more than enough times!"
"I... I say Darce! You're bang up to the mark you are! Always have been! But you know, I only tried twice"
"Which was twice too many times. Here, take it."
Mr. Hat was Mortified. Was he .. HE!... to be given away like some ....present? Like a .. gift? It was not to be borne! He was a Dignified Gentleman's Hat! He didn't want to belong to some Colonel! It would be a... degradation.. he would need vinaigrette, just to cope with the idea...
"I should like to.. and indeed I think I would Darce old chap, were it not for the blessed fact that I have one of my own now."
"Whaaaaat?"
"Yes, I went to your tailor .. he.. er... pointed me in the right direction."
Darcy's brow creased. "So you're saying ..."
The Bingley carriage pulled past, and both Fitzes looked at Bingley with his hat. Mr. Hat gasped. His secret was coming dangerously close to being found out ...... Mr. Hat started to tremble and shake.
Insert flutterings and spasms in side -------> ___________
Mr. Hat felt a pair of feminine hands take him off Darcy's head. Thank God she's Just a Girl! She won't find it! Mr. Hat tried to bite Elizabeth, but failed, the main reason for which being as he had no teeth. But Elizabeth turned Mr. Hat upside down and felt under the brim...
Elizabeth revealed the existence of a label. She read it aloud
Mass Produced Product of Antigua
"Antigua??" the Fitzes cried as they went pale. The hat they had loved so much was a crass commercial item! There was nothing at all special about it.
Mr. Hat collapsed. "Yes it's true I'm nothing! I'm commonly worn by tradesmen....Was it wrong to want something better??"
Mr. Hat tensed as he waited to see what the Fitzes would do. They dissolved into laughter. This was a good sign! It was a wonderful sign! Mr. Hat cheered. Darcy waved Colonel Fitzwilliam off and continued the carriage ride.
"You know something Elizabeth, I was so stupidly attached to this hat."
"Uh-Oh" Thought Mr. Hat.
"Yes it is rather unhealthy for a grown man to care so much about a piece of clothing."
Mr. Hat started to feel uneasy. This unease increased dramatically when Darcy firmly grasped his brim. Then with one movement it was over. Mr. Hat was flung like a frisbee out of the carriage. The effect was quite comical, as the air had caught up under Mr. Hat, propelling him like a flying object.
Mr. Hat, landed quite appropriately on the head of a cow called Daisy. And So ends the Adventures of Mr. Hat and The Hat Thief of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. He was destined to be the desired Hat of a herd of Jerseys.
Thank You this has been a Erimelle Production. Please look through your local TV-guides for more appearances of this newly formed production company. Also did you spot the *topflight* reference? Or the parts where one of the authoresses was obviously overdosing on her Nirvana live tape? Or the reference to Jane Austen in Australia? Or the many references to mistyped words that both the *snirt* authoresses are famous for? Or the period of time that one of the Authoresses found an old teenybopper tape from her teenybopper era and realised she loved No Doubt? There are also many references to the BAWE (Bargo Austen Weekend Extravaganza)
AS loyal Pride and Prejudice fans...can you visual each scene? *newsflash* Virtual Fitz Hats will be awarded to those who find all the song lyrics... when the shipment comes in from Antigua....
We at Erimelle Productions certainly hope that we provided you will a different take on Pride and Prejudice....we leave someone else to write about the cravats.....