Posted on Sunday, 18 February 2001, at 2 : 25 a.m.

The paneling on the door swirled in her mind, along with the millions of thoughts that raced through it. it's not right, it's not right but she couldn't help it, her hand had already lifted itself, the pale pink of the nail polish gleaming against the alabaster of her skin. She felt her hand curl itself into a fist, her mind cried out 'no' but her hand wasn't about to listen. And before she knew it she heard the knocking emitted from her fist. She looked at it incredelously, had it betrayed her?

"Come in," came the muffled reply from inside.

Her mind raced, she hesitated, she waited, and she was torn between bolting and entering, and then before she knew it, she was opening the door and entering. my body is working against me her heart was in control now, and it paid no heed to her mind. She turned towards the door, closing it lightly behind her.

His back was to her, as he faced the chevile glass, running a hand through his dark hair. His tuxedo pants fell in a perfect crease, and the starched white shirt set off his skin, making him almost glow with youth and vigour. The sun poured through the window, illuminating the features of his face, bringing out the auburn highlights in his hair. It was going to be a beautiful day, a perfect day for a wedding.

"You look great," she said. where did that come from

"Thanks," he replied not yet turning from the glass, but when he did he looked taken back, his eyes blinked exaggeratedly, like a man waking from sleep. A sort of stupor had seemed to hit him and it was a moment before he could speak, he swallowed deeply.

"What's wrong," she asked as she smoothed the satin of her dress, and adjusted the tiny flowers that had been woven into her long dark hair. She smiled softly, "there's nothing here you haven't seen in four years," she said a smile creeping up to her face.

"When did you become so beautiful?" he asked.

"Probably when you weren't looking," she replied softly, as she walked towards him, taking the cuff links he had been fiddling with and deftly put them in place. She tied the bow tie, concentrating on keeping her fingers steady, she felt his gaze upon her. How many times had they done this, her fix some tiny detail of his 'look' whether it to fasten a button, or tie a tie. She could almost imagine doing it every morning for him before he went off to work.

"All done," she proclaimed softly, and her words struck them both. It was true, in a way they where all done.

She could remember the day they had met. At some meeting or the other, maybe two or three days into their freshman year. She had dressed with such care, hoping to make a good impression on one and all, and her friend had introduced her to this boy. He was dressed in some old jeans and his gym shirt from high school, she forgot about him minutes after the introduction, he hadn't smiled when they met, she thought he wasn't worth her very precious time. But it soon became that they couldn't avoid one another, on a campus that small, with the same classes it became virtually impossible. And slowly friendship bloomed, she knew his friends and he knew hers, they shared notes in math, sat side by side in biology. And most of all they talked. About everything under the sun, and it was during one of these talks that she first released that she had found something special, and it might have been a whole moment later that she knew that she loved him.

Despite the rumors that had swirled about their relationship they maintained the easy friendship, she loved him, but she knew the feeling was one-sided, and she sure wasn't going to risk their friendship by bringing it up. And so they lived quite happily until...

"You're going to be late," she said finally, dismissing the silence that enveloped them like a thick haze.

"It wouldn't do to be late," he said as he tucked his best friend's curl behind her ear.

"especially to your own wedding," she said with a smile so lovely that no one could tell it was forced with all her might.

"I wish Anne had let me make you my best man," he said mischeviously.

"Maid of Honor is fine with me," she said as she tried to block the refrain always a bridesmaid never a bride from her subconscious, "Anne is going to think you stood her up." She said giving him a slight push towards the door. But then as if her heart was going to make one last ditch effort, her hand darted out and caught his wrist.

There where a thousand things she longed to say, a million things she wanted to call out to him.

Do you love her?

I can't believe you're marrying her

Why didn't you ever love me?

But all that made it to her lips was, "I hope you'll be happy Will."

"Really Lizzy, I was thinking you'd want be to live miserably then die a horrible death." He said with a mischevious grin.

She punched him lightly, "I'm serious," she said returning his smile.

He caught that fist and unrolled it holding her hand between both of his, as he looked down upon, "I hope you find someone to love Lizzy, I hope you find your happiness. I hope it with all my heart." He said as he kissed her hand galantly.

I already have Will, I already have.

Then literally, and figuratively, even though it was the hardest thing she ever did,

she let go.

And as she saw him walk out the door, and out of her life, she felt something give way. But it wasn't just grief, it wasn't just nostalgia, it was a wish bubbling forth from the very center of her love.

I wish you Joy Will, I wish you joy. and with that Elizabeth turned and left the room, closing the door behind her.