Jump to new as of January 2, 2001

Posted on Monday, 27 November 2000, at 6 : 10 p.m.

Crowd cheers and applauds wildly.

Jerry: Tonight we are talking to couples who have made big mistakes in their relationships. They are here tonight to try to straighten things out.

Crowd cheers.

Jerry: Our first guest is Will. Hi Will.

Will: Hi Jerry.

Jerry: Tell us what happened.

Will: Six months ago I met a wonderful woman. Last month I proposed to her, but it came out all wrong and I ended up insulting her and her family.

Crowd ooohs. Will looks sad.

Jerry: So you've come here today to apologise and try to win her back.

Will: Yes, if she'll have me.

Crowd cheers.

Jerry: Please welcome Elizabeth!

Crowd cheers, Elizabeth walks onto stage and sits down next to Will. She doesn't look happy.

Jerry: Hi, Elizabeth. Tell us about what happened between you and Will.

Elizabeth: I first met will at my sister's boyfriend's house. He was rude to me for months, split up my sister from his friend, and had my friend George fired from his job. Then Will suddenly proposed to me out of the blue. But when he proposed, he told me how he thought me and my family were beneath him and he didn't really want to be in love with me.

Crowd ooohs.

Elizabeth: And then Will seemed surprised when I refused him. I told him what I thought of him and he stormed out of my house, and I haven't seen him since. I don't want anything to do with him.

Crowd cheers.

Jerry: You know that Will has brought you here because he has something to say, I'll let him talk to you now.

Will turns to face Elizabeth. She scowls at him. He looks slightly sheepish.

Will: I've brought you here because I want to apologise to you for my abominable behaviour, and I want to explain a few things.

Elizabeth: Yeah? I doubt you can explain what you've done.

Crowd cheers.

Elizabeth: Tell me why you separated your friend from my sister. Wasn't she good enough for him either?

Will: No, it's not like that. Well, maybe I thought your family was below me, but I don't think that anymore.

Crowd boos.

Will: Please, let me explain! The main reason I separated them was because I didn't think your sister really loved Charles.

Elizabeth: And who were you to judge that?

Will: I know now that I was wrong, but at the time I honestly thought that Charles was falling for a girl who wasn't interested in him. I just didn't want him to get hurt!

Elizabeth: Whatever. Have you told him that you got it wrong?

Jerry: We've brought Charles here today too. Please welcome Charles!

Charles walks onto the stage, and sits down on the other side of Will. Crowd cheers.

Jerry: Hi Charles.

Charles: Hi Jerry.

Jerry: Will has brought you here because he has some explaining to do. Take it away Will!

Will turns to Charles.

Will: Charles, I have an apology to make. I was wrong about Jane, she really does love you.

Charles looks shocked.

Will: I would like you to get back together with her, if that's what you want.

Charles: (astonished) So you admit you were in the wrong?

Will: Utterly and completely.

Charles looks shocked, happy, and angry, all at once.

Charles: Why did you interfere?

Will: I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I know it was wrong.

Jerry: We've got a surprise for you, Charles - We've brought Jane here too! Please welcome Jane!

Crowd cheers madly. Jane walks onto the stage and sits down next to Charles. Charles is looking at her intently.

Jerry: (to Jane) Will has just apologised for breaking you and Charles up. He admitted his interference was wrong. He thought you didn't really love Charles.

Jane blushes.

Jerry: Charles has something to say to you.

Charles gets down on one knee in front of Jane.

Charles: Jane, I still love you. I always did. Will you marry me?

Crowd cheers.

Jane: Yes, of course I will marry you!

Charles puts the ring on her finger, and they kiss. Crowd cheers wildly.

Jerry: So, Elizabeth, do you forgive Will?

Elizabeth: Thank you, Will, for getting them back together. I'm very happy for Jane. But there's more. How can you explain your behaviour to George Wickham?

Will looks upset.

Will: What has he told you?

Elizabeth: He told me how you wouldn't give him a job, even though your father said in his will that you should look after George. Then you had him fired from the army.

Jerry: We've got George here too. Please say hello to George!

George walks onto the stage. Will stands up and runs towards him. George tries to run away but Will catches him. They have a fist-fight on stage. The crowd cheers. They are separated by the bouncers and made to sit down.

Crowd: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Will: How dare you spread those lies about me!

George: They weren't lies! I just told everyone how arrogant you were, and how you tried to ruin my life.

They both jump up and have another fight. They are separated again, and they sit down.

Jerry: Will, can you tell us your side of the story?

Will: With pleasure. George grew up in my parent's house after his parents died. He repaid their kindness by trying to seduce my little sister.

Crowd boos.

Will: And as for the job with my company, George said he didn't want a job there, he said he would rather go to college. So I gave him the money to study but he went to Las Vegas and wasted it all on gambling, drinking and women. He lost his army job all by himself.

Crowd boos. George looks embarrassed. Elizabeth looks shocked.

Elizabeth: Will, why didn't you tell me about this before?

Will: I wanted to protect my sister's reputation. I hoped George was out of my life, but then he turned up at your place.

Elizabeth turns to George.

Elizabeth: You're scum! How could you tell those lies about Will after all he did for you?

Crowd cheers.

George: But... but...

Elizabeth: Forget it, George. You can't go on lying. Just get out of my life! I never want to see you again.

Crowd cheers.

Jerry: So what do you think of Will now, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth: I don't really know what to think. I was completely wrong about him.

Charles: Will really is a nice guy, Elizabeth. I've known him for years.

Jane: Yes, I'm sure he really is nice, Lizzy. Give him a chance.

Elizabeth: OK, I'll give him a chance.

Crowd cheers. Will looks happy.

Jerry: After the break, we will meet a man who has been seeing three women. He has to make a choice about which one he wants to be with...

Posted on Saturday, 30 December 2000, at 7 : 04 a.m.

It's baaack! This time, the stars of Sense and Sensibility air their dirty laundry to an eager nation...

Crowd cheers wildly.

Jerry: Hello and welcome to the show. Our topic tonight is "Secrets Revealed"! That means our guests know something about their friends that they want to reveal tonight, or perhaps they will find out something they didn't know about someone close to them.

Crowd ooohs.

Jerry: Our first guest is Elinor. Hi Elinor.

Crowd cheers.

Elinor: (Looking apprehensive) Hi Jerry.

Jerry: Tell us about your friends Edward and Lucy.

Elinor: Um, well, I've known Edward for a while now. His sister is married to my half-brother. He's studying religion and wants to be a vicar.

Jerry: I see. And what about Lucy?

Elinor: I don't really know her very well. She is a friend of a friend, and she seems quite nice.

Jerry: Lucy has brought you here tonight because she wants to tell you a secret. Please welcome Lucy!

Crowd cheers. Elinor looks increasingly nervous as Lucy walks onto the stage.

Jerry: Hi Lucy.

Lucy: (Looking smug) Hi Jerry! It's great to be here, I love your show.

Jerry: Thanks Lucy. I understand you're here to tell Elinor a secret.

Lucy: That's right. A big secret!

Jerry: OK, talk to Elinor.

Lucy: (Turns to Elinor) Oh, Elinor! I have the most amazing secret that I've just been dying to tell you! (Squeals with excitement) Edward and I are engaged!

Elinor looks shocked, but maintains her composure.

Lucy: Oh Elinor, I've been wanting to tell everyone for so long, but dear Edward made me keep it a secret for all this time!

Elinor: All this time?

Lucy: Oh yes, we've been engaged for four years! I can't wait to get married! I'm going to have a white satin dress and white horses pulling a white carriage and ...

Elinor: But I have been dating Edward for months!

Lucy: ... and I'm going to have four bridesmaids wearing hot pink and ...

Elinor: I don't believe this!

Lucy: Oh, why not? Surely you don't think he'd really be interested in you?

Elinor: (Getting angry in very un-Elinor like way) You b****! You knew I was in love with him!

Lucy: (Giggling inanely) And I want to get married in that big church in ...

Lucy is cut off by Elinor leaping out of her chair and thumping her. They fight and are separated by the bouncers. The crowd goes wild. Eventually things calm down.

Jerry: Let's see what the man in the middle has to say about all this. Please welcome Edward!

Crowd cheers and boos simultaneously. Edward walks onto the stage, looking very embarrassed.

Jerry: Hi Edward.

Edward: Er, hi Jerry.

Jerry: Elinor says she's been dating you for months, but Lucy says she's been engaged to you for four years. What do you want to say to them?

Edward: (Turns to Lucy) I can't believe you took this whole engagement thing seriously! We were just kids being silly! (Turns to Elinor) Please believe me, Elinor, I may have been infatuated with Lucy four years ago but I got over it quickly.

Elinor: So you're not engaged?

Edward: Um, well, we are actually still engaged. I made a promise, and it would be dishonourable of me to break it.

Elinor: But if you don't want to marry her, you shouldn't! You couldn't possibly be happy with her .

Jerry: There's one more secret still to be revealed. Please welcome Edward's brother Robert!

Crowd cheers. Robert walks onto the stage and sits down next to Lucy.

Jerry: Hi Robert. What do you want to tell Edward and Lucy?

Robert: (Turns to Edward) Lucy's been dating me for two weeks now, and we're sooo in love. She's the sweetest, most beautiful girl in the world and I want to marry her!

Edward and Elinor are dumbstruck at Robert's apparent blindness/deafness/stupidity.

Lucy: (Squeals with delight) Oh, Robbie! You are so sweet. Let's go to Vegas now! We can get married by an Elvis impersonator! Let's hire a gold Cadillac for the honeymoon!

Robert and Lucy leave the stage and head directly for Las Vegas. Edward and Elinor are still speechless for a minute.

Jerry: So, what does that mean for you two?

Edward: I guess it means I'm not engaged to Lucy anymore.

Edward drops to one knee and proposes to Elinor. She tearfully accepts. Crowd cheers wildly.

Jerry: Stay tuned, because we've got more secrets to be revealed after the break!

Ad break. Crowd cheers.

Jerry: Welcome back. Our next guests are Marianne and John.

Crowd cheers. Marianne beams at Jerry; John looks a little fidgety.

Marianne: Hi Jerry.

John: Um, hi.

Jerry: Tell us about yourselves.

Marianne: We've been dating for a few months now.

John: Well, not quite dating exactly, but we are good friends.

Marianne: Friends? Don't be silly, John, we've definitely been dating!

Jerry: John, apparently you have a secret to tell Marianne.

John squirms. Marianne starts to look worried.

John: (Turns to Marianne) Um, you see Marianne, I haven't quite been completely honest with you.

Marianne: Oh?

John: You see, I am basically bankrupt, and...

They are interrupted by an angry young lady running onto the stage. She stands, facing John.

Mystery Woman: John, you must stop leading this girl on now ! Tell her you are marrying me next week. Tell her!

Crowd boos.

John: Er...

Marianne looks shocked, and bursts into tears.

Marianne: But... but...

Mystery Woman: (Turns to Marianne) John is not interested in you . How could he be? Look at your clothes! Haven't you ever heard of Calvin Klein?!

Jerry: John, who is this?

John: (Mutters) She's my fiancée.

Crowd boos.

Jerry: So you were dating Marianne when you were already engaged to someone else?

John: I guess so.

Marianne is sobbing violently.

Jerry: But there's more. Please welcome Christopher to the show!

Crowd cheers. Christopher runs onto the stage and grabs John, and they fight for a moment before being dragged apart. The crowd goes wild. Christopher sits down next to Marianne.

Jerry: Hi Christopher. I understand you want to tell Marianne something too.

Christopher: That's right. (He turns to Marianne) Marianne, I had the guardianship of a girl your age, and John got her pregnant last year.

Marianne cries even harder. The Mystery Woman looks outraged. She slaps John across the face.

Mystery Woman: How could you! I could forgive you cheating once, but not twice! And how many more are there that I don't know about?

John: Hang on a minute! What about you? I know about your girlfriend!

Mystery Woman suddenly looks embarrassed. Crowd cheers madly.

Jerry: What's this?

John: Don't lie! I've seen you with her!

Mystery Woman: OK! So I have a girlfriend! I don't even like men, I just wanted to get married so my parents wouldn't suspect anything! But now they'll know, so there is no point in marrying you!

John: But I need to marry you! I owe half a million in back taxes and my house is going to be repossessed and ...

Mystery Woman: That's just bad luck! I never want to see you again!

Jerry: OK, after the break, we'll meet a man who has been living a secret life as a woman...

Crowd cheers.

OK, so that's not quite how the book ended, but isn't it nice to see Willoughby end up with nothing? Tee hee...