Christmas morning. As much as Jane wished against it, she couldn't stop the memories of the prior year's holiday from coming back to her. She had never fully gotten over Frank--and perhaps she never would--but she had arrived at a state of equilibrium, where her anger had dissolved and neither periods of longing for him nor feelings of deep sorrow overwhelmed her anymore when he came to mind. Instead, she mostly felt gentle pangs of regret for what they had lost and over her own role in damaging the relationship.
Not so this morning. She should not have been surprised. The entire week between Christmas and New Year's Day the previous year had been one of exquisite happiness, the likes of which she had never felt before or since. It was no wonder that her memories of that time were returning so insistently. She rose to make pancakes for her family, and during breakfast was unable to mask her melancholy or the reason for it from two women who knew her so well.
"You're missing him, aren't you?" Grandma asked her.
Jane nodded.
"That's the hard part about the holidays," Aunt Maddy said. "It makes you miss the ones you love."
Jane wondered at that moment how much her aunt and grandmother missed her parents during the holidays. She had been so young when they died that her memories of them were sparse. Mostly what she felt was the hole, the gap where parents should have been, but not the loss of the actual people who were Dominic and Jeanine Fairfax.
"It makes you miss the ones you love." Did this mean she still loved Frank? Is that why she was pining for him so much in this moment? She supposed a part of her always would love him, but she was convinced now that their breakup was meant to be. She still recalled her words during their big blow-up prior to the Boxx opening: "Clearly I've lost sight of who I really am!" A sense of herself is what she had regained since their split. She was once more focused on her goals, determined to no longer make the professional compromises she had made to work with Emma, or the character compromises she had made to be with Frank. But with kindness, she reminded herself. That was an important lesson Frank had taught her when she'd seen him in October: she should never lose her kindness while striving to achieve her dreams.
That didn't make dealing with her aching nostalgia any easier. Her yearning would be unlikely to diminish during their Christmas celebration later that day with the Woodhouse family, given the connections between Frank and those who were sure to be in attendance. At least she probably wouldn't to see him, since Frank usually traveled around the holidays and, as far as Jane knew, he had never been a guest at the Woodhouse home.
By mid-afternoon, shortly after Jane and her family arrived at the home of Emma and her father Henry Woodhouse, Jane would learn that she was mistaken. The other guests that day included Alex Knightley, Emma's sister Izzy, her husband John Knightley (who was Alex's brother) and their two children, and Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, Annie Weston's parents. In their parlor, Emma and her dad had set up a beautifully laid out table covered with canapés and beverages for the guests to enjoy while dinner was being prepared.
That's where Jane was when the doorbell rang again and Emma left the parlor to answer it. Jane could hear Ryan and Annie Weston, and one other voice--Frank's. She inhaled, wondering whether she was ready to see him. She still recalled with embarrassment how cold and unkind she had been to him in San Francisco, not to mention all the turmoil she'd felt earlier in the day.
The three newcomers entered the parlor and exchanged holiday greetings with the rest of the guests. Frank had spotted Jane and their eyes met when he first walked into the room, but he turned away to say hello to everyone else. Uncertain what to do, she held back.
Jane was standing by the refreshment table holding a glass when Frank made his way toward her. Her note to him had eased the sting of their encounter in October, but he was still hesitant to approach her. He didn't want to ignore her, however, and so decided that it was better to greet her and get it over with. "Hi," he said quietly.
"Hi," she said back.
They stood there awkwardly for a moment, and then Frank nodded at her glass. "You can't drink that, can you?"
She looked at her creamy drink. "Oh, it's made from soymilk and spices." She pointed to a tall carafe filled with a thick beverage that stood on the table near the punchbowl filled with real eggnog. "There are no eggs or dairy in this. Emma made it especially for Maddy and me."
She seemed shy but not hostile, so Frank tried to lighten their mutual discomfort with a joke. "That's too bad," he said with a playful smile. "You're missing out on the spiked stuff."
She raised her eyebrows. "The eggnog in the punchbowl better not be spiked. The kids have had multiple glasses of it."
"I guess we'll know in a few minutes, won't we?" he quipped, and they both laughed. Frank liked that, laughing with Jane again. He looked at her for a moment longer and said, "It's really good to see you."
"You, too," she answered.
Frank touched her shoulder gently and then moved on to gather a plate of refreshments. He had known that Jane might be here today, had been mentally preparing himself for it, and now that they'd had their first contact, he was feeling better able to handle the rest of the holiday celebration. His plans to go trout fishing for Christmas had fallen through and his dad was spending the holiday in Rome with a woman he'd recently met, so Annie and Ryan had insisted that he come today, not wanting him to be at home alone and moping. Now that he was here, he was glad he had come. It made him happy to see Jane smiling again. He watched her walk over to warmly greet Ryan and Annie.
A short while later he found himself in conversation with six-year-old Henry Knightley and his four-year-old sister Emma, who were Izzy and John's children. The kids asked if he wanted to hear a poem.
"Go for it," he encouraged them.
In tag-team sing-song voices, with Henry starting and his sister responding, they recited the following,
"Whatcha doin'?"
"Eatin' chocolate."
"Where'dja get it?"
"Doggy dropped it!"
"Where's the doggy?"
"At the door."
"What's he doin'?"
"Makin' more!"
The two children exploded into laughter. Frank couldn't help laughing, too, telling them, "Aw man! Now I'll never be able to eat chocolate again without that image coming to mind, and I used to love chocolate!"
In that instant, his mind flooded with the memory of the words, "I love chocolate," and the previous exhilarating Christmas when he and Jane had first fallen in love. He barely heard Izzy scold her children for telling a gross joke. He turned to look at Jane and found her staring back. Was she remembering the same thing? Her eyes, those doe eyes that always made him melt inside, were wide as they met his.
The spell between them was broken when Emma announced that dinner was ready, and everyone strolled out of the parlor and into the dining room. The two children insisted that Frank sit between them and he accepted, making their father John laugh. "You're a brave man, Frank!"
Frank didn't think bravery had anything to do with it. The kids were fun, and getting caught up in their silliness kept him from thinking about Jane.
At the other end of the table, Jane sat near the Taylors and the Westons. Mr. and Mrs. Taylor were as warm and gracious as she remembered them. "I hear you're trying to start your own foundation," Mr. Taylor said to her. "How is that coming along?"
Jane sighed. "Not as well as I would like. The logistical pieces, such as the administrative steps and paperwork I need to become a registered nonprofit, are coming together. But I'm struggling to find supporters." Here she silently lamented that damned article again, which continued to make a number of prospective donors view her with suspicion. Despite the sponsorship of the Lees and Darcys, she still hadn't found her third large donor yet. "However, the biggest problem is the Ebola crisis in western Africa."
"Terrible thing," said Mrs. Taylor. "It's just heartbreaking to hear about so many people dying."
"Was that your plan, to work in West Africa?" Mr. Taylor asked.
Jane nodded. "I'll be working in the U.S, too, but an important part of my vision was for West Africa. I spent a summer during my graduate school years in Sierra Leone, and knew from that time that access to clean water is a huge problem there. I have always dreamed of going back to help address that need. But with the crisis, the State Department doesn't want Americans who are neither public officials nor medical professionals traveling there."
"That's understandable," Ryan chipped in. "Jane, your health and safety are more important than anything."
"I know," Jane said ruefully, "but I still wish I could do something. But even if I could travel there, all attention and resources are focused on the health crisis, and rightly so. Other issues, no matter how important, such as clean water access, are falling by the wayside."
The Taylors asked a few more questions, and then turned to a subject that was lighter and more appropriate for a holiday dinner: Ryan's plans to expand his cupcake business into Latin America. As they talked about the latest Cuddly Cupcakes flavors and locations, Jane began to steal glances toward the other end of the table where Frank was sitting with the Knightley children. She kept hearing his earlier words, "I used to love chocolate," and reliving the memory of his mischievous grin the year before when he had talked about loving chocolate as a way to tease her.
Annie noticed Jane's wandering attention. "He's good with them, isn't he?"
Jane looked up, a bit startled to have been caught. "Yes, he is. Frank loves kids." She remembered how much he had enjoyed spending time with Daniel and Karyanne and the children she had taught at the community center.
Annie smiled. "He's going to be a wonderful uncle to Caitlyn."
Grateful to be able to change the subject, Jane said, "So you're having a girl!"
Annie nodded. "Caitlyn Taylor. We figured my last name would make a good middle name."
"It's a pretty name. How are you feeling now? You're due soon, aren't you?"
"In about ten more days! And I am very ready to have this baby."
She and Annie continued to talk baby stuff throughout the dinner. When they finished, everyone returned to the parlor where Mr. Woodhouse asked Jane to play Christmas carols on the upright piano he had purchased for Emma as a child. Because Jane played, Emma had insisted upon lessons, too, but had only persisted with them for about a year.
Jane sat down to play and sing, trying hard to stay focused on the songs and the season they celebrated. Still distracted by Frank's presence, she could tell he wasn't participating. His voice was so distinctive; she would have picked it out above everyone's, but he clearly wasn't singing. She didn't even know whether he was still in the room.
Frank was in fact in the room, standing behind everyone and watching Jane. The wistfulness he had felt earlier intensified as he watched her fingers flow over the keys and listened to her lovely voice. Everything was coming back to him: their trip to Scotland; the look of admiration for him on Jane's face when she heard Betty's story; the first time Jane said the words, "I love you"and he'd said them back; dancing together on New Year's Eve; hours spent in lovemaking and simply enjoying each other.
When Emma announced that dessert was ready in the den, where everyone would gather to watch Henry Woodhouse's favorite movie, It's a Wonderful Life, Frank was unable to move from his spot. As everyone began to filter out of the room, he continued to watch Jane, who was staring at the piano keys. When she finally stood up, they were the only two who remained in the parlor.
"Oh!" Jane jumped when she saw him, as though he'd startled her.
"Sorry," he mumbled. "I didn't mean to scare you."
They both stood there for a moment, and then Jane started to walk toward him. Since he had taken the initiative to approach her earlier, she decided that it was her turn. His expression was very pensive as she drew near. "Are you okay?" she asked.
Frank shrugged.
"Is it this time of year?" Jane asked. Since she was filled yearning memories of the previous Christmas, she wondered if he were as well.
Frank nodded. Jane was as beautiful as ever, and the tender look in her eyes, one he hadn't seen in quite some time, was making him long to kiss her.
She licked her lips. "I, um... I owe you some apologies. And some thanks."
Frank shook his head. "You sent me a note, Jane. You don't owe me anything else."
"Yes, I do. First of all, thank you for helping Maddy get her new business started. She's so excited about it."
Frank smiled. "It's been fun. She and Annie together are a hoot."
Jane smiled back. "And thank you again for what you said to me at the conference in San Francisco. I really needed to hear it."
He shook his head. "I was out of line, like you said."
"No, you weren't. You were right." Jane knew that the note she'd sent a month ago hadn't even begun to communicate the apology she owed him. "Even beyond my behavior that day, you made me realize that I had been blaming you for everything that went wrong in our relationship, and it wasn't all your fault. A lot of it was my fault, too. Especially the decision to lie about our relationship. It really did have a negative effect on me. Because of that, I became resentful, and angry, and cold, and someone even I didn't much like. I didn't listen to the ways that you were trying to tell me how much it bothered you. And I hurt you because of it. I'm sorry, Frank. I really am."
He stared at her. He wasn't expecting a confession from Jane, and although part of him wanted to argue that she had nothing to apologize for, her words filled him with a sense of relief, like a burden being lifted from his shoulders. Of course, that only made his desire to kiss her stronger. He clasped his hands behind his back to resist the temptation to take her into his arms.
"Anyway," Jane went on when he didn't respond. "We should probably go and join everyone else in the den."
Frank nodded and turned to leave the room with her. He kept his hands firmly linked together behind him, so great was his longing to hold her. Before they rejoined the rest of the party, he worked up the courage to say, "Jane, do you think it's possible that you and I could be friends again?"
Friends. Friendship was possible, Jane decided; it wouldn't interfere with the objectives she was trying to accomplish, and they had too many connections to continue avoiding each other anyway. Besides, she missed Frank's company. She smiled at him and nodded. "I'd like that."
Mrs. Weston's friends were all made happy by her safety; and if the satisfaction of her well-doing could be increased to Emma, it was by knowing her to be the mother of a little girl.
Emma, ch. 53
On Saturday, the third of January, 2015, Caitlyn Taylor Weston was born. On her second day of life, a crowd of well-wishers gathered in Annie's room of the post-partum unit at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center to welcome the little girl into the world. Proud papa Ryan, Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, Emma Woodhouse, and Alex Knightley were already present when Frank arrived.
"Annie, you're going to be the best mother!" Emma was gushing as Frank entered the room.
"Provided she doesn't spoil Caitlyn the way you were spoiled," Alex quipped.
"Hey!" Emma smacked Alex lightly on the arm.
He laughed. "No need to get upset! I've become rather fond of spoiled children since I've been with you!"
Frank grinned at their banter, and then asked whether he could see his new niece. The other visitors stepped aside so that he could approach Annie, who was wearing a cushy bathrobe and sitting in a rocking chair, holding the tiny sleeping child. As Frank moved closer, Mrs. Taylor stood up from a chair beside her daughter so that Frank could take her place. One look at the bald, slightly wrinkled but still beautiful baby, and something melted inside him.
"Hey, I'm your uncle, kid!" he whispered to Caitlyn. He gazed at her face in wonder. "Look at her! Two little eyes, and ears, and look at that little nose and mouth!" He gently touched her tiny hands. "Ten perfect little fingers. Does she have ten toes, too?" The infant's feet were covered by the fabric of her one-piece sleeper.
"Oh man, you're worse than I am!" Ryan laughed, while Annie assured him that all of her daughter's body parts were intact.
In the days and weeks that followed, Frank found himself as drawn to the Weston household to visit little Caitlyn as he had been to visit Jane at the Emma Approved offices when she worked there. Annie handled new motherhood with her usual serenity, while Ryan was hyper with excitement about being a father.
"Your chance to get it right?" Frank asked his brother one evening as he watched him cuddle a recently nursed Caitlyn.
"Exactly," Ryan answered, just as his daughter scrunched up her face and made a grunting sound. A particularly foul smell soon filled the air. "Even this," he added with a laugh, before placing Caitlyn on the changing table and reaching for a new diaper.
Frank turned his head in disgust. "How could someone so cute produce something so vile? How can you stand it?"
Ryan laughed some more. "You get used to it. Just wait until you have your own!"
And... that made him think of Jane. He remembered Rose saying he and Jane would make pretty babies someday, and he mused for a minute about what their children would look like. Then he mentally kicked himself. He and Jane were friends. That was it.
A few days later when he came over for dinner, Frank made Jane laugh as he shared his most recent Caitlyn stories and showed her the hundreds of photos of the baby he had taken with his phone. The Bates' household was another place where he had been a frequent guest of late. Jane put him to work chopping root vegetables for soup while she scrolled through the pictures. "It's a good thing you don't live with them," she commented. "The poor kid would never get any sleep."
"True," Frank agreed, grinning. "I can't get enough of her." He paused his vegetable-chopping for a moment, thinking. "I wonder if my dad felt this way about me."
"Of course he did. How could he not?" Jane couldn't imagine not feeling such love for one's child.
Frank raised an unconvinced eyebrow. "Yeah, but I know I would never not be here for Caitlyn, and she's not even my kid. If my dad felt this way when I was a baby, what changed?"
"Why don't you ask him?"
"Scared of the answer, I guess. He'll give just another weak excuse, and expect that to be enough."
Jane looked at him sympathetically as she placed Frank's mobile down on the counter. Frank had told her that he had been reaching out to his dad frequently in the last few months, which had resulted in them seeing each other more often, but not in much more depth to their relationship. "I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't."
"Well, enough about him." Frank went back to chopping. "Did you know I'm going to London next week?"
"Really?" Jane said enthusiastically. "Are you going to get a chance to see Sarah and Peter?"
"Definitely. I'm checking into some of my companies in the UK, including Peter's."
Jane made a pouty face as she deftly chopped an onion. "I'm so jealous! Every time I talk to Sarah, I think about how much I miss them. Please give them all my love."
"I will." Frank bit his tongue to resist the temptation to invite Jane to come with him.
Jane began to sauté onions and garlic in a large stockpot. "How are your investments doing overall? Was there, um..." Did she dare ask?
"Was there what?"
"Uh... I guess I was wondering if there was any fallout from the media attention last summer?" She was curious and concerned about whether he had encountered the same difficulties she had.
"Some, at first. Richmond asked me to resign, but I expected that. Then three more companies followed suit. But when the Rockefeller Brothers announced their divestiture from fossil fuels in September, a lot of people looked at my move in a new light. The Frank Churchill name became hot again."
"Oh," Jane said quietly. "You can add the other vegetables now."
Frank watched her closely as he emptied the large bowl of cut-up vegetables into the stockpot, feeling the sudden tension in Jane's demeanor. He recalled the article his father had shown him. "Jane, I know the media got to you, too. I'm really sorry about that. That was what you were so worried about, and it turns out you were right to be worried."
She shook her head as she stirred the vegetables around, and then began to add vegetable broth and spices to the pot. "It's not your fault. It was inevitable that it would happen sooner or later."
She wasn't looking at him, but remained focused on the pot. He didn't know much about making soup, but he was sure it didn't require that much intense concentration. "Tell me, Jane. What happened?"
Jane sighed. She didn't want to make Frank feel like he was to blame for forces outside of either of their control.
He took the wooden spoon from her hand. "I'll stir. Talk to me."
Jane sat down at the kitchen table, and ran her fingers through her hair. "Well, some people now see me as a radical temptress who can't keep a job."
Frank exhaled. "Whereas I'm now considered a visionary, socially conscious investor. Dammit, I'm so sorry."
"It is not your fault!" she repeated firmly.
Frank looked at her gently and then back at the stove. "All this has to do is cook now, right?"
"That's right. Let it come to a boil, and then we'll turn it down to simmer."
With those instructions, Frank placed the spoon down on a spoon rest beside the pot, and joined her at the table. "Okay, I won't apologize again, but I will say that I wish it was different for you. I remember that time you told me I was born on third base but thought I hit a triple. I don't think I appreciated back then how much I'm a child of good fortune, compared to how hard you've had to work for everything."
Jane looked at him with soft eyes. "Yes, but the question you asked about your dad earlier? I never had to wonder that about my family."
He thought about that for a second, and then touched his nose and pointed at her. Being the niece and granddaughter of the two Bates women was Jane's good fortune indeed.
Jane grinned and imitated his gesture. "I've missed seeing that! Anyway, it hasn't been that bad. It's frustrating at times, but I'm making progress." She had made a decision to stay focused on the positive in the new year, although she had to remind herself of that pledge frequently. "I have a couple of solid sponsors who believe in what I'm doing, and I have an appointment in a few of weeks with someone from the curriculum and instruction department with the L.A. Schools. It's the foot in the door I've been waiting for. I'm not giving up."
Frank smiled in admiration. "You remain very stubborn, Jane Fairfax!"
"Which is sometimes a good thing, right?" Jane smiled back. Hearing the plopping sounds of the soup starting to boil, she rose to give it a quick stir and turn the stove down low.
"So you think there's no lasting damage from the articles?" he asked when she sat down again.
"Nothing that can't be fixed. Besides, there are much worse things someone could say about me than that I had an affair with Frank Churchill."
Jane's eyes twinkled as she spoke, indicating she was teasing him, but Frank's heart leaped in response. He had told himself he would push for nothing other than friendship, that he wouldn't become some stereotype of a guy showing care for a woman for no other reason than to try to force her into a relationship of obligation. Usually that wasn't hard; he really did care about Jane and genuinely liked as a person. But cripes, did he desire the romantic relationship as well, and comments like the one she had just made set every nerve ending in his soul and body on fire.
When Jane talked to Sarah a couple of weeks later, her friend mentioned the visit from Frank. "He tells me you two have become friends again."
"Yes, that's true."
"So... how do you feel about that?"
"Grateful," Jane answered. "I do appreciate his friendship." "Attitude and gratitude," one of Maddy's favorite sayings, was another thing Jane had decided to once more adopt in the new year. She had gotten away from counting her blessings during the last seven or eight months of 2014, but she had begun again in 2015. It wasn't long before she realized that Frank was one of the top blessings on her list. She enjoyed his company a great deal, and was very thankful that he was willing to be a part of her life again.
"And that's it?"
"Sarah," Jane said firmly. "What are you doing?"
Her friend laughed. "After Frank left, Peter and I were talking about how much we like him, and even more so now. He was his same jovial self, but he was also different. More serious and thoughtful somehow, even when he was joking around with us. We couldn't help wondering if there was a future for you two."
Jane sighed. "I don't know. I know I need to stay focused on my goals right now, and the last thing I need is to have a relationship get in the way."
"You can do both," Sarah pointed out. "I'm doing it."
"I can't," Jane reiterated. Even with the progress she'd made, she was still facing too many obstacles to even let herself think beyond her goals.
"Okay; I won't bring it up again. I do have some very good news for you."
Jane resisted the temptation to ask if Sarah was pregnant, and as it turned out, the news, at least from Jane's perspective, was even better.
"We're going to the U.S. next summer!"
"Oh my God, Sarah, that's awesome! When?"
"Probably early July. I'm at the point where I've begun my dissertation research here in England, and now I need to start the comparisons in the United States with first-hand information. I'm trying to set up some interviews now. Peter will stay two weeks, but I intend to stay a month."
"Oh, Sarah, I'm so excited! I can't wait to see you!"
The two talked for a while longer about Sarah and Peter's plans, and Jane knew that she would have one more blessing to count that night before bed.
"I understand where you're coming from, Ms. Fairfax. I need you to understand where I'm coming from," said Elena Gutierrez, a sharply dressed woman in her forties who was one of the deputy directors of curriculum and instruction for the L.A. Unified Schools. She had just finished listening politely to Jane's impassioned plea to bring a water conservation curriculum to students in the district.
Ms. Gutierrez pointed to the rows of four-inch binders which filled two bookcases in her office. "Each of those binders," she said, "represents one or more curricula that we are required to cover with the students in the district. They include all the various academic subjects, but also the additional requirements for special education students and English language learners. On top of that, we also have expectations from the state or from the superintendent to implement initiatives around health, nutrition, anti-bullying, violence prevention, and sexual harassment."
Jane nodded. "It wasn't that long ago that I was high school. I do remember all that we were required to cover. It's just that this is a critical time to reach students with this information. They're going to become adults and have to live with the consequences of climate change and the current drought. I'd like to help them be prepared to take action. Their future depends on it!"
Ms. Gutierrez gave Jane a small smile. "Believe me, I think your program is a worthy one. We simply don't have the time or capacity to add yet another program to our already overtaxed school day. I'm very sorry."
Jane exhaled. "I understand." She started to gather the materials she had brought with her.
"Ms. Fairfax?" said the other woman as Jane stood up. "You might want to look into out-of-school time programs. Other than setting aside time for tutoring and homework help, most of them are very open-ended in terms of the programs they can offer."
Jane smiled. "Thank you. I'll look into that." She expressed her appreciation for Ms. Gutierrez's time, and then said goodbye.
Her car was becoming a familiar place for Jane to vent her frustrations. After school and summer programs might be a good option, as Ms. Gutierrez had suggested, but reaching out to them would be a slow, piecemeal endeavor and wouldn't provide the widespread opportunity to expose young people to water conservation that Jane had hoped for through the schools. After finally connecting with someone from the school district following more than three months of attempts, Jane had had such hopes for this meeting and thus her disappointment was profound.
She turned on the radio and caught a news program with yet another story about the Ebola outbreak in Africa. This one described bodies lying on the streets of Freetown, Sierra Leone. Jane's mind went back almost five years now, to her summer spent in that city, to the resilience of the people she'd met there who had overcome civil war and were determined to build a brighter future, and to the hope of the young orphans who had found a home, education, food and health care at the United Together Children's Centre. What would become of the people she had grown to love so much? Would they be able to overcome once more after this horrific crisis? She thought of her own dream to adopt a child in that country in the next two years. Would that even be possible?
She arrived home late in the morning, surprised to find her house quiet. Although she knew Aunt Maddy had had some appointments that morning, it wasn't Grandma's day for dialysis, so she expected to find her watching TV. Jane went to her room to change from the suit she was wearing into jeans and a blouse, and then entered the kitchen to make lunch. Just as she was about to open the refrigerator, she noticed the note on the table. She picked it up, recognizing her aunt's handwriting, and read, "I didn't want to call because I knew you had your important meeting. Mama was having trouble breathing this morning, so I took her into the ER at Harbor."
Jane grabbed her cell phone and dialed Maddy's number, and the call went to voice mail immediately. Not surprising--if they were at the hospital, Maddy probably had to turn her phone off. As she ended the call, Jane's brain suddenly clouded up, and her body felt heavy. What if something was really wrong with Grandma? In that moment the pain of the entire day--no, of the entire year--flooded her mind and overwhelmed her: losing her job and losing her roommate, the ups and downs and sorrows of her relationship with Frank, leaving London, her frustrations with Emma, the anger and pain of the Boxx opening, fighting the media rumors, the struggles to get her foundation off the ground, yet another setback this morning, the awareness of so many people dying. And now her grandmother, her rock, her tether, was in the hospital. She found herself unable to think clearly, unable to move, unable to do anything except sit down at the kitchen table and stare into space.
She had no concept of time, of how long she remained in that position. She vaguely recognized the sound of the front doorbell ringing, but made no moves to answer it. The sounds were followed a few minutes later by rapid knocking at the back kitchen door. Again, Jane didn't move. It was only when she heard her name called out that she looked up to see Frank peering into the kitchen door window.
"Jane, please answer the door!" he called out again, and somehow that registered. Slowly she rose and walked over to let him in.
"Jane, what's going on?" Frank asked in a worried voice when he entered. "Maddy and I were supposed to meet to go over logo concepts, and she didn't show up, and she's not answering her phone. But I saw your car and figured you were home." When she didn't respond, he said, "Jane, are you all right? What's wrong?"
She pointed to the note on the table. Frank picked it up and read it. He sat down beside her and took one of her hands between his own. "I'll drive you to the hospital."
Jane shook her head. "I can't. I can't go."
She was looking down at her lap, but she could feel his eyes on her. "I'm sure Maddy and Mrs. Bates would want you there," he said.
"No, no, NO!" she protested.
"Jane, I know you're scared--"
"What if she dies before I get my foundation off the ground?"
Frank stared at her. He understood the fear of losing a grandparent. He had been there himself. But he was more than a little bewildered that she was thinking about her foundation at a time like this. "I don't think that matters right now."
An upwelling of emotion suddenly broke through Jane's stupor. "Yes, it does! It DOES! I've spent the last year doing nothing, and this is my chance to show Grandma that I'm back on track and she can still be proud of me!"
Something was off, very off, about Jane right now, Frank thought. Her grandmother was in the hospital. "Why are you worried about this right now?"
"I have to make her proud of me!" Jane said in a desperate voice.
"You think there's ever any time when she's not proud of you?"
"This past year. How could she be? Look at all the mistakes I made!"
"You're human, Jane. Everybody makes mistakes."
"But that's just about all I've made this last year."
Frank swallowed and didn't say anything. Her relationship with him was a big part of the last year.
Jane covered her face. He could tell she had started crying, and he reached over to stroke her shoulders. After several minutes of silence, he said softly, "Please let me take you to your grandmother."
"No! I can't face her! Everything I'm trying to do is failing!"
"So what? Who cares about any of that right now?" He didn't understand what was happening with Jane.
"I do! I have to make this work!"
"And what if it doesn't?"
"That would be horrible," she sniffled.
"Why?"
She lowered her hands and looked at him. Her eyes were red, and her cheeks damp. How could she explain how heart-wrenching this was for her? "Do you know that before the Ebola crisis, seven of the ten fastest growing economies were in Africa? There is this entire continent that has suffered so much from slavery and colonialism and poverty and oppression, and they were finally coming out of all that. And I had a chance to help! But now this happens, and I might never get that chance!"
"There are other people already at work all over Africa. If your foundation doesn't work out, you can join up with someone else's."
Jane's eyes filled with tears again. "But it won't be mine. And it won't fulfill my grandmother's dreams for me."
"Why does it have to be yours?" Frank knew Jane was ambitious, but what she was expressing right now was downright bizarre in light of her family's need at the moment. Somehow he had to help her snap out of whatever this was she was feeling so he could take her to Mrs. Bates. "What happened to, 'no one can do everything, but everyone can do something'? Or the fact that you're just one person? Why are you now acting like you have to do it all yourself? It's not your grandmother's dream at all. You're making this all about you, and it's not."
"You don't understand. You can't. Like you said, you're a child of good fortune."
"Maybe, but I think you're making this harder on yourself than it needs to be."
Jane felt anger welling up in her, knowing somewhere in the back of her mind that she wasn't angry at Frank, not really, she was just frustrated with everything. "No! It's been hard! It's been so damn hard! I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall every day! Nothing is working! And now Grandma... after all she's done for me, and I just..."
"Okay, I admit, I probably don't understand everything you've been going through. But I've been around your grandmother enough to know that she couldn't care less about your foundation right now. I'm sure she just wants you with her."
Jane looked so forlorn that he wanted to comfort her, so he scooted his chair closer to her in order to hug her. The closeness might have been a mistake; he had just kissed her forehead when Jane tilted her head upward and brushed his lips with hers. That was all it took to ignite both their desire, and within seconds their tongues were hot and thrusting in each other's mouths. In an instant Jane had climbed upon his lap and Frank had pulled her closer in order to feel every part of her against him, even though his mind was yelling, Whatareyoudoing whatareyoudoing!
In the next moment, Jane let out an anguished cry and pushed her hands against Frank's chest to break away from him. She returned to her own chair quickly, covering her face and breathing heavily.
His own breath ragged, Frank managed to say, "Jane, I'm sorry! I'm really sorry!" How could he lose control like this at a time when Jane was so vulnerable?
Even in her confusion, Jane heard his apology and knew this was not his fault. She had started this. "What the hell is wrong with me?" she moaned.
Hearing her plaintive cry helped Frank break through his self-recrimination. Jane needed him right now. "Nothing's wrong with you. You're just scared right now, and maybe needing comfort. It's a normal reaction."
"No, it's not! It is not normal for me!"
"Why not? As amazing as I think you are, you're not a goddess or a robot or Superwoman." Frank stared at her for a second, a burst of clarity coming to him. "What just happened is nothing more than... example number six for why Jane Fairfax is human."
"Number six?" she echoed, perplexed.
He grinned. "Yeah, I figure you have to have at least six areas of weakness that bring you back down to the level of us mere mortals."
She sighed and closed her eyes. "I have more than six."
"Okay, seven."
"More than seven."
"Okay, eight, but that's about it, since you're still pretty damn perfect. The point is, it's okay to have those eight weaknesses. It's okay to be scared and overwhelmed. It's okay to react to that by kissing a man who once hurt you really badly. It's okay to even fail at setting up your foundation. Because you're human. You have to let yourself be human, Jane. Trust me, your grandmother and Aunt Maddy will love you no less even if you end up dating another jerk like me and never accomplish anything else in your life."
Jane's eyes welled with tears again. Frank held out his hand to her. "Please let me take you to Mrs. Bates."
She nodded and took his hand. Frank asked if she needed to bring anything, which helped Jane think of and gather her purse, cell phone and keys. She felt ashamed and drained as she followed him out to the car. Her grandmother needed her, and she had been caught up in what exactly? Staring into space, spiraling down into a pity party, and then jumping Frank's bones? What was wrong with her? How could she behave this way when Grandma was ill?
As he started his car, Frank was dealing with his own feelings of shame. He should have been able to comfort Jane better, and instead he had given in to his desires for her. Their brief but urgent make-out session made him aware of just how hard the last six months of celibacy had been. It was more than just missing the physical act of sex. He missed everything about intimacy with Jane: the warmth of her skin against his, the softness of her curves, the heat of her touch and kisses, the look of love in her eyes, the excitement of hearing her cry out in pleasure, the sweetness of post-coital cuddling with her, and the joy of seeing her smile in ways that were just for him. The small taste he'd just had left him aching for more, and he hated himself for it, because right now she needed something very different from him.
"I'm sorry," Jane said softly, pulling him out of his feelings of self-loathing. "I don't know what got into me back there."
"You're having a rough day. It's okay, sweetheart." He winced as the endearment came out of his mouth. He wondered if his use of it angered Jane, but apparently not. He felt her touch his right hand as it rested on his thigh. He opened his palm to her, and she slipped her fingers between his.
Jane looked down at their fingers as they laced together and thought about how much she had always liked Frank's hands. His palms were big and his fingers long--very much a man's hands, even though, metrosexual that he was, his nails were always very well-groomed. Gripping his hand gave her the comfort and strength to say, "I didn't mean to dump on you like that. I suddenly felt so overwhelmed, like everything was crashing down on me, and I took it out on you because you were there. I'm sorry."
He glanced at her and smiled gently. "Actually, I'm probably the very person you should be taking it out on." He was probably the root of lot of her frustration anyway, and even if he wasn't, he was willing to be the person she felt she could vent to.
Jane didn't respond, but he felt her give his hand a gentle squeeze. The Harbor-UCLA Medical Center wasn't far from Jane's home, so they arrived in good time. When they asked about Lorraine Bates, they were directed to the cardiology unit, which made Jane freeze up immediately. Frank took her into his arms and held her. "You can do this," he whispered. After a minute or so, Jane nodded, and they moved on together to Cardiology, where they found a shaken Maddy sitting in a waiting area chair.
"Oh, I'm so glad to see you both!" Maddy cried out as she rose to hug them. "Frank, I'm sorry I missed our meeting. I was so stressed out this morning I forgot all about it!"
"It's okay," he assured her. "I understand."
After Jane and Frank sat down in hard plastic chairs beside Maddy, she explained what had happened. "Mama said her chest felt tight and she was having trouble breathing this morning. They think it's her heart, so they're doing a cardiac catheterization right now to figure out what's going on."
After Maddy's explanation, all three were quiet for a while as they waited for Mrs. Bates' procedure to be completed. Finally, Maddy sighed and looked at Frank. "How are the designs?" she asked.
The logo designs. Frank had forgotten about them and so had to dig through his memory to recall the images he'd seen that morning. "Um, I l think I liked some of them. Several of the ones for Little Cate's were cute." Maddy and Annie had, mercifully, selected Caitlyn's as the name for their company, with Little Cate's as the name of the kid-friendly food line. Frank had hired a graphic designer named Emily to create some potential logos.
"Did she send you electronic versions?"
Frank nodded.
"If you forward them to me, I'll look at them tonight." Maddy rubbed her forehead.
"Maddy, don't even worry about it. I've already texted Emily to let her know our response might be postponed."
Maddy nodded just as a doctor approached them. "Are you the family of Lorraine Bates?" he said. "I'm Dr. Singh, one of the cardiologists here."
"Yes, is she all right?" Maddy asked.
"She's fine, and she's being admitted right now. When she's settled in her room, you can go up and see her. In the meantime, I'd like to talk to you about what's going on, if you'll follow me."
All three of them stood, and Dr. Singh looked at Frank. "I'm sorry, family only."
"He's family," Maddy said firmly. Dr. Singh paused but nodded and gestured to Frank to follow as well.
The doctor led them into a small office, where he sat down at a desk. There were two other chairs, which Frank let the women take. He stood behind them with his hands resting on their chair backs.
Once they were settled, Dr. Singh got right to the point. "Lorraine has extensive blockage in three of her arteries. It's a very common occurrence for diabetics with renal failure."
"What does that mean?" asked Maddy.
"She needs bypass surgery," Dr. Singh answered. "We've already scheduled it for tomorrow morning, which is why we admitted her."
Maddy reached for Jane's hand and gripped it. Jane also felt the light pressure of Frank's hand on her shoulder.
"There's good news and bad news," the cardiologist went on. "The good news is, coronary bypass surgery has been around for more than fifty years, which means that surgeons are very skilled at performing it, and surgical outcomes and five-year survival rates are very high. The bad news is that the risks increase significantly for patients on dialysis."
Maddy caught her breath, while Jane sat there numbly. She watched Frank's arm encircle Maddy's shoulder.
"I don't want to sugar-coat the risks here. This is going to be very difficult for Lorraine to come through, especially at her age and with the renal failure. But she has a positive attitude, she's not very overweight, and she doesn't smoke, so she has all of that in her favor."
"The surgery is tomorrow?" Maddy asked.
Dr. Singh nodded. "Eight a.m." He asked if they had any additional questions, and Maddy had a few. Finally, he said they could visit her.
"By the way," the doctor added before they departed, "she needs a hearing aid."
At that, Maddy suddenly laughed. "We know, doctor, we know!"
Frank looked at Jane with concern when they took the elevator to Mrs. Bates' floor. She hadn't said anything during the meeting with the doctor and her face remained impassive.
On the other hand, Dr. Singh's comment about the hearing aid seemed to have lifted Maddy's spirits. She entered the room with a bright smile and boomed at her mother, "Have you started causing trouble already?"
Mrs. Bates, who was laying in a bed with the head portion raised up at an angle, chuckled. Family Feud played on the TV mounted on the wall, and a half-eaten plate of grilled chicken, steamed vegetables, and apple sauce rested on a tray beside the bed. A pair of IV bags hung from a nearby pole with thin tubes pumping fluid into Mrs. Bates' veins. "They're cutting me up tomorrow," she said as Maddy, Jane and Frank approached.
"I know!" Maddy said. "You'll end up with some nice scars to go along with your bumps." She gestured toward the dialysis-created bumpy raised veins on the inside of Mrs. Bates' elbows.
"I guess I won't be able to wear my bikini to the beach next summer," the older woman quipped, and she and her daughter laughed. Frank smiled at the Bates women finding optimism and humor at a time like this.
"But I'm happy my babies are here to see me!" Mrs. Bates cried. "Come here, child," she said to Jane.
Babies, Frank thought. Plural. Was she referring to Maddy plus Jane, or was she including him in that term?
Jane slowly approached the bed and bent over to kiss her grandmother. "Get that frown off your face, child. I'm going to be all right. They have good doctors here."
"You just do whatever they say, okay?" Jane said softly as she stood back up.
"What's that?" Mrs. Bates asked.
"She says to listen to your doctors!" Maddy shouted. "And we're getting you that hearing aid when you get out!"
Mrs. Bates huffed in resignation. "Yeah, I guess it's time. Now, where's my grandson?"
She did mean him. Frank walked over to the bed and leaned down toward Jane's grandmother, who pulled him into an embrace. Unbidden, tears sprang to his eyes, recalling the last time his own grandmother had hugged him, just before he flew to England for the start of his first term at Cambridge. She had wanted him to come home that Christmas since she was lonely without his grandfather around. But Frank was excited to be living in Europe and had gone skiing in the French Alps instead. It was one of the biggest regrets of his life. Two months later, his Pau-pau was dead.
Mrs. Bates whispered in his ear, "Thank you for coming. Take care of my girls, okay?"
She didn't have to ask. While he was standing in Dr. Singh's office, Frank had vowed to be there for Maddy and Jane in whatever ways they needed him. He squeezed his eyes shut to stop his tears from flowing before standing up. He nodded at Mrs. Bates to let her know he'd heard her and would do it.
He looked over at Jane, who had worn that same lost, empty expression since they arrived at the hospital. What did she need right now? An idea came to him, and he pulled Maddy aside a few minutes later, asking if he could speak with her. Later, after the three of them returned to the lobby before leaving the hospital, Frank asked Jane if she would take a ride with him. Jane looked over at her aunt, who said, "Go with him, sugar puff. I'll be fine."
"I cleared out my schedule. I'll be here tomorrow morning," Frank told Maddy before saying goodbye to her.
Jane slowly followed Frank back to his car. She had been unable to think of any reason not to go with him, at least not one she could verbalize. However, she was very anxious, terribly embarrassed about kissing him the way she had earlier in the day, and scared to death about her grandmother.
"You don't want to know where we're going?" Frank asked once they started driving.
"Where are we going?"
"Bel Air, to Ryan and Annie's house."
Jane didn't respond, so Frank spoke up again. "You don't want to know why?"
"Why?" she said softly.
"To see Caitlyn."
"You think a baby is going to cheer me up or something?" These were the most words he'd heard from Jane in hours.
Frank smiled softly. "It usually works for me."
They rode the rest of the way to the Weston's house in silence, which Jane appreciated since her confused thoughts made conversation difficult. When they arrived in early evening, Ryan wasn't yet home. Annie welcomed them both, and Frank quickly filled her in on Jane's grandmother's situation. Annie gave her a big hug and expressed her concern.
"Is Caitlyn up?" Frank asked.
Annie smiled and said that the baby had been napping, but would probably awaken soon for her evening feeding. As if on cue, they could hear a baby start to cry through the baby monitor positioned on a small table nearby. "There she is! Jane, feel free to have a seat in the living room. Frank, will you come with me to get her?"
Frank followed his sister-in-law upstairs and watched as she picked up Caitlyn from her bassinet. The infant stopped crying immediately, but made gaping motions with her mouth indicating hunger. "What are you doing?" Annie asked softly as she cradled her daughter.
"Helping a friend."
Annie raised her eyebrows, but said no more.
He followed her back downstairs, and they joined Jane in the living room. Frank sat down beside Jane on the sofa, while Annie positioned herself in a large padded rocker nearby. "I really need to nurse. Is that okay, Jane?"
Jane confirmed that it was, and Annie placed a light blanket over herself and her child. While Caitlyn ate, Frank and Annie talked about the company named for the child. When the baby was done, Annie placed her against her chest to burp her, and then asked Jane if she would like to hold her.
Surprised, Jane hesitated, but Frank encouraged her to take the child. Annie placed Caitlyn in her arms and Jane smiled as the little one's blue-gray eyes stared up at her. Jane had visited the Westons twice with Maddy right after Caitlyn's birth, but hadn't seen her since. Now five weeks old, Caitlyn was bigger and no longer bald; instead, small wisps of blond hair were scattered about her head, none of which stayed down when Jane brushed them back with her hand. Caitlyn yawned and slowly closed her eyes. "She's beautiful," Jane said.
"Thank you," Annie replied.
Frank wore a gentle smile. "It's peaceful holding her, isn't it?"
Jane glanced at him, and her heart suddenly thumped. "It is," she said softly.
"But let me tell you something about this baby. She can't do crap."
"Frank!" Annie cried out. "That's my daughter you're talking about!"
Frank made an O with his mouth. "Oh, my bad. She actually can do crap. In fact, she does a lot of crap. Crap is just about all she does." He was grinning now, barely containing his snickers. "In fact, you wouldn't believe the ugly, SMELLY crap that comes out of this cute little body!"
Annie started laughing and even Jane had to smile as he added, "But I don't care. I think she's the most beautiful, amazing child in the world and I love her to pieces." He looked at Jane and pointed to Caitlyn. "You were just like her at one time, you know. You couldn't do crap except crap, and Maddy and Mrs. Bates adored you anyway."
Jane stared at him as she felt Annie take the baby from her arms and heard her whisper, "I think I'd better go check her diaper."
Once Annie had left the room, Frank placed his hand on Jane's cheek. "Do you understand what I'm saying? That's what love is. You don't have to do anything when someone loves you except exist."
Jane swallowed hard, her heart beating rapidly.
"Jane, I have no doubt you're going to keep doing great things with your life. But even if you don't, Maddy and Mrs. Bates, and, um... well, they'll always love you anyway. And right now, that's all that matters."
His eyes were soft as they gazed at her. She slowly turned her head until her lips faced his palm, and kissed it. Frank lowered his hand and said softly, "I should probably take you home now."
They rose from the sofa and found Annie in order to say goodbye to her and Caitlyn. On the car ride back to her house, Jane took Frank's hand again, needing the solidness he offered right now. As his thumb caressed small circles on the back of her hand, her stomach felt topsy-turvy.
When they arrived at her house, Frank turned to look at her. "Jane, I..." He stopped.
"What?" she asked.
He shook his head. "Nothing."
Jane waited. When he said no more, she leaned toward him. He caught his breath as she kissed his cheek gently and thanked him, before stepping out of the car to go inside.
"Okay, you take her by the hand, and I'll push her IV pole," instructed Leah, one of the nurses providing care to Grandma in the cardiology unit. After three days in the ICU, Grandma had been moved to a regular room the day before. She had had dialysis earlier on her first day out of intensive care, which had left her exhausted. Today, however, she had a bit more energy, and Leah wanted to get her up and walking.
Grandma gripped Jane's hand tightly as they shuffled slowly through the hospital corridor. Leah supported her back with one hand, while pushing the attached IV pole with the other. Despite the percocet her grandmother was taking, Jane knew that her incisions were very painful, and that the entire surgical ordeal had been traumatic to Grandma's body. After several minutes, they were only able to walk about thirty feet, and Grandma said she'd had enough.
"Okay, let's see if you can walk back," Leah said gently but with a raised voice. "Do you think you can do that, Lorraine?"
"No wheelchair?" Grandma pleaded.
"No, let's keep going. I know it's hard, but you can do it."
"You can, Grandma," Jane encouraged.
Grandma exhaled and let the two younger women help her turn around for the journey back to her room. Once there, Leah helped Grandma settle back into bed. "See, I knew you could!" the nurse told her with a smile.
"I'd have gotten here faster with a wheelchair," Jane's grandmother grumbled. "I missed the beginning of my story." An afternoon soap opera was showing on the TV set.
Leah just laughed and told her to pull the cord if she needed anything. "Don't let her make excuses," she said to Jane. "She's too feisty to give up that easily."
Jane nodded. After the nurse left the room, she asked her grandmother if she needed anything. "Some water, child," Grandma answered in a weary voice. Jane poured a small cup of water from a plastic pitcher on the nearby dining tray, and handed it to Grandma to sip from a straw. The first sip didn't go down well, and her grandmother started coughing. As she had been taught, Jane grabbed a pillow for Grandma to hold against her chest, while Jane supported her back with her hand. The front and back support would reduce some of the pain of coughing.
Grandma lay back against the bed when the cough subsided, looking exhausted. Jane stroked her forehead. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine... I just need to rest a minute." Grandma closed her eyes for a few seconds. "I'm glad you're here alone. I need to talk to you, child." Maddy had been by earlier in the day, but had left to meet with one of her financial planning clients.
"Okay," said Jane.
"Listen to me, child," Grandma said, her voice suddenly stronger, "I have something important to say, in case I don't make it out of here."
"You WILL!" Jane said firmly.
"I sure hope so, I'm gonna try, but if I don't, I want you to hear this."
Jane bit her lip. She didn't want her grandmother to talk about the possibility of not making it.
"I'm not so worried about Maddy, but I'm very worried about you."
"Why?"
"I don't want you to be alone, baby."
"I'm not alone!" Jane assured her. "Maddy and I have each other, and you'll be back with us soon."
Grandma reached for her hand. "Maddy'll be fine. She'll always draw people to her because she has that acceptance about her. People feel that. But I'm so afraid you'll push people away."
"What are you talking about?" Jane asked. "I accept people."
"I'm not talking about other people, baby. I'm talking about you. Maddy loves and accepts herself, and people like to be around someone like that. But you're so hard, so hard on yourself. That tension, people feel that, and it puts up a wall between you and them. That's what I worry about."
Jane looked at her in silence for a moment. "I know I've been angry over the last year, but I've been trying to change that."
"Have you?" Grandma reached out to gently touch Jane's cheek.
"Yes." Jane nodded firmly, trying to convince her grandmother. "I've been counting my blessings again, focusing on my goals again. I'm doing better!"
"Then why are you still so frustrated?"
Jane stared at her, unsure how to answer. She had been changing, right? She had tried hard to be different since that day she had seen Frank at the VERGE conference back in October, and mostly she had succeeded. But less than a week ago, she had had a complete meltdown. She lamented losing it like that, but she supposed Frank was right. It had been a rough day, after having had another letdown and being so scared about Grandma. However, Jane would rebound from it. Grandma had come through her surgery well, and once she was out of the hospital, Jane would refocus on getting her foundation up and running.
Grandma went on, "Maybe that's why you were always so hard on Frank. 'Cause you're so hard on yourself."
Jane pressed her lips together, as her grandmother squeezed her hand. "I have to rest. You'll come see me tomorrow?"
"Of course!" Jane assured her.
"I just want you to be happy. You know I'll always love you, child. No matter what you do."
Jane forced herself not to tear up. "I know!" she said. "I'll always love you, too!" She leaned over to kiss her grandmother goodbye, and then departed.
Maddy was still out when Jane got home, so she started doing some housecleaning, something they had neglected during the last week of being back and forth to the hospital. Wanting to listen to music while she cleaned the kitchen, Jane plugged her iPod into a speaker and selected Emeli Sandé. The Scottish artist had become one of her favorites when she lived in the UK, and right now, her soulful and haunting melodies were what Jane most needed to hear.
Among the selections was "Beneath Your Beautiful," a duet Sandé had performed with Labrinth, a singer and musician who had grown up in Hackney. As the music flowed around her, Jane stopped and really listened to the words:
You've carried on so long,
You couldn't stop if you tried it.
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it.
Suddenly Jane found tears on her face, her grandmother's words coming back to her, "I don't want you to be alone, baby ... I'm so afraid you'll push people away ... That tension, people feel that, and it puts up a wall between you and them. That's what I worry about."
Was that really happening? Was there a wall around her so high that no one could climb it? She thought about how full of friendships her life had been back in London. In contrast, she had made one friend since she had returned to L.A., and that was only because Caroline had been so persistent.
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?
Labrinth pleaded with Sandé to let him in, and then she reversed it, singing the same words to him. Jane sat down at the kitchen table, deep in thought. Wasn't that what she had said to Frank a year ago: that few people knew who he really was beneath the cocky charmer he presented to the world? That was his perfect, but was she any different? Did she present any less of a persona to the world, the high achiever, the dedicated professional, the committed activist?
Frank had dropped so much of his mask the last few months, she realized. He was more honest and real not just with her, but with everyone around him. Meanwhile, she had hardened her mask and built her wall higher. Almost a week ago, her wall had come crashing down, and Frank had been there, and had seen the failure beneath her "perfect"--and told her that it was okay. "Because you're human," he had said. "You have to let yourself be human."
How often did she allow herself to just be, to accept, as Frank had said, that it was okay to have flaws, to screw up, to not succeed? Was her grandmother right that not doing so created a tension that pushed people away?
"You know I'll always love you, child. No matter what you do." "That's what love is. You don't have to do anything when someone loves you except exist." Could she accept that? She had to, she realized. She had spent a lot of time in the last year pushing people away, and it was because she was so angry with herself for the mistakes she'd made. Her grandmother was right. If she kept it up, she'd end up alone.
She heard the key in the lock, and quickly wiped her face. Maddy soon entered the back door. "Hey there, sugar puff! How was Mama when you left her?"
"Okay," Jane said softly. "We took a walk down the hall and back."
"Good! Get gravity working for her. Did Mama tell you they won't let her go home until she poops?" Maddy laughed.
Jane tried to smile, but couldn't.
"What's wrong, sugar puff? I know you're worried about her. I am, too. But she's a spunky old lady, and she's going to fight this. She'll get better."
Jane nodded. "I know."
Maddy sat down in the chair beside her and touched her face gently. "What's going on?"
"I don't know... I just... You know how I used to tell you that I was embarrassed when you bragged about me?"
Maddy nodded.
"Well, I was, but I also secretly liked it. Because it meant that I was fulfilling your dreams for me, and making you proud of me."
Maddy furrowed her brow. "Sugar puff, you know I'm proud of you no matter what?"
"Are you?"
"Always! I hope I've never made you feel like I'm not. If I have, I'm so sorry. It's just me, because I don't know how to shut up. Like if you never did anything else in your life, I'd be bragging about you getting up and eating your cereal in the morning. I'll be bragging once Mama poops. 'See! My Mama's ready to come home!'"
Jane laughed. "I don't know if she'll appreciate you telling people that!"
Maddy joined in her laughter. "You're probably right. Once more, I have to learn when to zip up and shut up. The point is, no matter what you do or don't do, I'll always love you and be proud of you." Maddy reached out her hand to cup Jane's chin. "You believe that, right?"
Tears formed in Jane's eyes at the thought that she might have hurt her aunt with her doubt. "I'm trying," she said softly. "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for! If anything, maybe my mouth made you feel this way. But I'm proud of you just for being you, and I love you no matter what."
Jane blinked, clearing her tears away. "Do you think Frank feels this way, too?" She wasn't sure where the words came from, but as soon as she spoke them, she knew the question had been preying on her mind.
Maddy sat back and observed her. "As far as I can tell, Frank still loves you and always will. And you know, I'm pretty sure that feeling is mutual."
Jane swallowed. "I need to talk to him."
Maddy nodded. "You two are probably overdue for a good talk."
Jane exhaled, and then reached over to hug her aunt. "Thank you, Aunt Maddy. I really love you, too."
Maddy squeezed her and then smiled. "I know you do. You have a very loving heart, Jane. Now go talk to that man of yours."
"He's not mine."
Maddy shrugged. "For now."
Jane returned to her bedroom, where her phone was resting on her dresser. She wasn't ready to call him yet. She had to think. She looked at her list of goals she had thumbtacked to her wall. This was what she had been working toward with so much effort for the last six months.
"Frank still loves you and always will," Maddy had said. So many memories of Frank flooded her mind that her heart felt as though it were breaking from shame. How could he still feel this way about her? She had been so harsh with his mistakes, even those he made with the best of intentions. But he had continued to love her anyway.
She had been so insensitive to his feelings. She may not have deliberately set out to hurt him, but she had persisted in actions that she knew he disliked, particularly the amount of time she spent with Alex, and the pact of secrecy she had established. And yet, Frank had continued to love her.
She had blamed him for their breakup, unwilling to see her faults in the relationship, and for a long time, he had accepted the blame, proclaiming his desire to change, while she offered none of her own. He had even taken the blame after their kiss last week, even though Jane had been the initiator. She knew he wasn't dating anyone. He could have moved on, he could have had another girlfriend by now, but he hadn't. Was Maddy right? Did that mean he still loved her, despite her rejection of him?
How many times had she been cold, unreasonable, and unfeeling toward Frank, even in the face of his vulnerability? He had made himself more vulnerable to her than he had probably ever been toward anyone during their time together--and even afterward. Frank had loved her enough to not retaliate for her nastiness at the conference in San Francisco. Instead, he had tried to point her back to her better nature. He had seen beneath her "beautiful" to the ugliness inside, and yet still believed she had a better nature.
He loved her enough to stay with her and Maddy all day for several days through their greatest trial, to be the rock they most needed then. He loved her enough to try to drive home the message she most needed to hear--and he did it in classic over-the-top Frank style, by joking about a baby's bodily waste.
Jane looked again at her list of dreams. What if... what if Frank was right, and these things didn't happen? Could she live with that? She didn't want to give up on anything; these goals were too important. But what if despite all her efforts, none of them came to fruition? Would she be okay with that?
"Trust me, your grandmother and Aunt Maddy will love you no less even if you end up dating another jerk like me and never accomplish anything else in your life."
"You know I'll always love you, child. No matter what you do."
"But I'm proud of you just for being you, and I love you no matter what."
"That's what love is. You don't have to do anything when someone loves you except exist."
She had spent so much of her life trying to live up to what she thought were her grandmother and aunt's expectations for her, to repay them for taking her in and giving her so much after her parents died. But what if that wasn't what they really wanted? What if all they wanted was for her to accept their love for her?
She looked at her list of goals again, and slowly untacked it from the wall. Sometime later, she picked up the phone and called Frank.
When Jane's name came up on Frank's caller ID, he answered immediately by saying her name, his typical way for answering her calls.
"Are you busy?"
"Not at all. Is everything okay? How's Grandma?" He has always called Jane's grandmother Mrs. Bates, but since she had claimed him as a member of the family, using the familial label now seemed natural.
"She's doing better, and took a walk today."
"Good to hear."
"I need to talk to you."
"I'm listening."
"No, I need to talk to you in person."
"Do you want me to come over?"
"I'd like to go to your place, if that's okay."
"Uh... yeah. Of course that's fine. Are you coming now?"
"Yes. I'll see you soon."
As soon as the call ended, Frank began to pace around his living room, waiting for Jane's arrival. He had thirty to forty minutes, depending on the traffic she encountered, to try to expend his nervous energy. Should he have asked her what she wanted to talk about? For days he had wanted to talk to her about their kiss the previous week, but it seemed inappropriate to mention it with everything going on with her grandmother. He was dying to know whether it had meant anything significant to Jane, or whether it was simply a reaction borne from her heightened emotional state. He'd hugged her and held her hand quite a bit in the last week, but then, he'd done the same for Maddy, so he knew that was just about comfort. But the kiss he and Jane had shared had been far more sensual.
Should he ask about the kiss when Jane arrived? No, he finally decided. He had already resolved to be a good friend to her and to help her in whatever way she needed. He'd listen to whatever she wanted to talk about, that's all he'd do. He wouldn't worry about himself.
He finally heard his buzzer sound, and rushed over to respond to it. "It's me," he heard Jane say. He buzzed to open the gate for her and waited again for her to reach his condo. The time it took seemed like forever, but was probably just a few minutes.
When he opened the door for Jane, it took all his energy not to pull her into his arms and kiss her silly. Instead, he offered her a seat, which she took in the corner of his L-shaped sofa, and then something to drink. "Some water, please," Jane said. He departed for the kitchen.
Jane held a manila folder, clutching it tightly because she needed to do something with her hands. She had wanted to throw her arms around Frank when she arrived, but she didn't know how he'd respond. Maybe he'd kiss her back like he had the previous week, but that wouldn't be a good idea. So much had happened between them in the last year that she knew that the most important thing they needed to do right now was talk.
Frank returned with a glass of ice water, which he handed to Jane before sitting down on the longer portion of the sofa. She lowered the folder into her lap before taking the glass. She took a sip, and then placed the glass on a coaster on the end table next to her.
They remained in silence for a brief moment. Finally, Jane picked up the folder again and pulled out a sheet of paper, which she handed to Frank.
"Do you want me to read this?" he asked.
Jane nodded. "After we broke up, I had a job interview with Caroline's brother, and he asked me what my dreams were. I spent some time thinking about it, and this is what I came up with."
He took a minute to read, and then placed the paper down and smiled. "Thanks for sharing this with me. You'll make all this happen. I know you; you won't give up."
"Remember how you asked me what would happen if my dreams didn't work out?"
Frank started to shake his head. "Jane, I certainly didn't mean to discourage you. I totally believe in you. You're going to do this."
"No, it was a good question," she interjected. "I've been struggling with the foundation. It's been much harder to get off the ground than I anticipated."
"And the media attention didn't help, did it?" he asked grimly.
"No, but many of the challenges I'm facing would have been there even without the news articles." Jane inhaled. "Frank, the reason the question was a good one is because I do need to face the fact that it might not work out."
"But don't give up!"
"I'm not. But my whole life, I've felt like I had to succeed. There are several reasons for that. Some of it is just my personality. I'm naturally driven. Then in high school, I felt like I had to prove to people like Emma that even though I was this girl from South Central, I could still be one of the best students at Beverly Hills High. I carried that mindset over into college and graduate school, this need to prove that I could be the best. But also ... I know they didn't mean it this way, but Grandma and Aunt Maddy always wanted me to do great things. They really encouraged me, but they also pushed me a lot, and Maddy especially bragged about me a lot when I did well. It made me feel like I'd be letting them down if I didn't."
"That's why you were so upset last week, wasn't it?"
"It was, but I've talked with both of them since then. You were right, Frank. They just want me to know how much they love me. They want me to be happy. And now I have to learn how to just ... rest in their love. So thank you for helping me start to understand that. I loved the whole thing you did for me with Caitlyn," Jane said with a smile.
Frank smiled back. "I want that, too, you know--for you to be happy and to know you're loved. I totally believe that you can have that, and achieve all this, too." He held up the piece of paper.
"I might not," Jane said seriously. "Grandma's going to have a difficult recovery process, and it's probably going to mean a setback professionally for both Aunt Maddy and me."
"I'll help," Frank blurted out, and then bit his tongue in embarrassment. "Look, forget I said that. I'm not trying to take over or overshadow anything you're doing. I know you can do it without my help, and you don't need my name or my money. I've learned my lesson."
"I've learned mine, too," said Jane. "You were right again, when you asked me why my foundation had to be mine. Last summer when I quit my job at Emma Approved, I accused Emma of only talking the talk and not really caring about the causes she said she supported. I felt that way because so much of what Emma did was about self-promotion. But the truth is, I haven't been much different. I was making my foundation about me. And it shouldn't be, it should be about the people who need help. You were right when you said that if my own foundation doesn't work out, there are other efforts going on that I can support."
"Jane, you have a great vision. I think you should follow your dreams."
"I did say I'm not giving up! But I've resigned myself to accepting the outcome in case it doesn't work out, because it really isn't about me." Jane smiled at Frank. "So if you want to help me, you are more than welcome to do so. It actually would be fun to work together."
"Really?!" Frank started beaming. "I would love that! But I would stay in the background. All the credit would be yours."
Jane shook her head. "It doesn't matter who gets the credit."
"It does matter, sweetheart," he insisted, realizing he'd slipped with his endearment for her again. "You should get the recognition you deserve, without my name getting in the way."
"It doesn't matter," she repeated. "Only the people we help matter."
Frank smiled gently. "Okay, so maybe we'll both stay in the background. But if there's ever a time when someone needs to be front and center, I'm stepping back and letting you go forward."
Jane nodded. "Okay, I can accept that. Thank you."
"You're welcome. I want you to fulfill your dreams."
"What about your dreams?" Jane wanted to support him in his goals, too.
"They're leaning in the same direction as yours. Jane, I've learned so much over the last six months. I have a lot of resources and clout at my disposal. I realize that I can choose to do good things with that, things that will help people and the planet, so that's what I've been trying to do." He grinned. "I can still have fun and make money in the process."
"I'll be behind you all the way in that, if you'll let me."
Frank's smile broadened. "Gladly."
There was one more question Jane really needed to know. "So, um... how do you feel about adoption?"
He looked at her thoughtfully, remembering that adopting a child was the third goal on her list. "It's a good thing, helping a kid who needs a family to have one."
"I'm worried that I might not reach that goal either, at least as far as adopting a child from Sierra Leone, because of the Ebola crisis."
Frank nodded. "But your target date is by age 30, so you have another two years. A lot can change in that time. Don't give up on this. If there's anyone who would be an incredible mother, Jane, it's you. Plus, you'd have Grandma and Maddy to help you." He held out his hand in her direction. "Just look at the amazing job they did raising you."
"Thanks for the encouragement," Jane replied sincerely. "The reason this goal means so much is me is because I'm an orphan. I was adopted."
Having a flashback, Frank's face flushed with shame. "Jane, I'm so sorry. I made that crack to you about saving starving orphans--" He stopped himself. There was nothing he could say that would ever take away the cruel sarcasm with which he'd uttered those words. He had been aiming to wound that day, and when he'd seen her face, he had known he'd hit his target.
She reached over to touch his arm gently. "I forgive you, Frank. Lord knows how many harsh things I said to you, and you've forgiven me. I'm bringing it up because..." she took a deep breath, "because I want to know whether you'd do it with me."
His eyes searched hers for a moment, trying to understand exactly what she meant by 'do it with me.' Travel with her to Sierra Leone? Be a male presence in the kid's life? "I guess I'm getting good experience as an uncle to Caitlyn. I can be an uncle to another kid, too."
Jane looked at him intently. "I was actually asking if you'd be the adoptive father."
Frank stared. Everything he and Jane had talked about up to this point could apply to the two of them supporting each other as friends, but not this. Her offer was unexpected, but very, very welcome. His lips curved into a smile, and then he laughed. "Jane, are you asking me to marry you?"
"No," she answered, "not yet anyway."
Frank wasn't sure whether to be disappointed or not. "Yet is a good thing." And then he began to marvel at the turn of the conversation. Jane wanted him--HIM!--to be the father of the child she would adopt. "I'd be honored to do it. I'm kind of an orphan myself. I've been working through that, what losing my mom and then having my dad abandon me did to me. So I know I'd do anything for a kid who needs me."
"And it doesn't matter that they wouldn't be your biological child?"
Frank shook his head. "Not at all. The people I love most in this world? The ones I most consider family, Ryan, Annie and Caitlyn, Grandma and Maddy and you?" Especially you, he thought. "None of you are related to me biologically."
"Well, then," Jane said with a smile. "I guess that's a plan."
"Do you want any of your own?" he asked. "I mean, kids you give birth to?" He'd love to adopt a kid, but he wanted to have at least one with Jane, too.
"With you?" she asked, suddenly flushing with pleasure at the idea of having children with him.
Frank started laughing. "Yes, with me, Jane! I seriously hope we're not having this conversation with someone else on your mind."
"No, not at all!" she protested. "The answer is yes, I'd love to have a child with you. And did this conversation just get real?"
There was a word for what Frank was feeling just then: exhilaration. "It's been real! We've been kind of talking around it, but I think we're both saying that we want to be together again."
Jane smiled broadly. "Yes! That's definitely what I'm saying. So you know my goal list?"
"This one?" Frank held it up again.
"Not that one. Earlier this evening, I took a look at it and realized something was missing from it. So I added to it. Then I looked at it again, and realized it was in the wrong order. So I rearranged it. Anyway, this is my new goal list." Jane pulled a second sheet of paper out of her folder and handed it to Frank.
He scanned over it. The three goals on the first sheet--her foundation, helping Maddy's business, and adopting a child--were still on the list, but they had been moved down to the second, third, and fourth spots. In the first position were the words, "Number 1: Spend the rest of my life loving Frank Churchill."
Frank looked up at her, his mouth agape. The words had rendered him speechless. He recalled Ryan telling him about how he would reassure Annie that she was his priority and always would be. The paper in his hand right now represented Jane Fairfax doing the same thing for him. He would be her priority. He was astounded and overjoyed that anyone in the world, but even better, the one he loved the most, felt this way about him.
Jane looked at him with a bit of worry. He has said he wanted to be with her again, they had just been talking about future kids together, but now he looked so stunned. "Is this too much or too soon?"
Frank shook himself out of his daze. "No, it's perfect! Jane! My sweet Jane! This is my number one goal, too--to spend the rest of my life loving you."
Jane was elated as she reached out her hand to grasp his. "Really?"
"Really! There's nothing I want more."
"No more hiding, though. Just like I don't care who gets the credit, I don't care who knows about us."
Frank nodded. "I agree. The deception killed us the last time." He placed his other hand over their entwined fingers, wanting some way to express his gratitude to her, for her forgiveness, for this moment and the future she was offering him. "Thank you for giving me another chance."
She smiled. "No, thank you for giving me another chance."
He grinned. "Us. We're giving each other another chance. I promise you, I will never hurt you again like I did before. I know I'll never deserve you."
"That's not true! If anything, it's the other way around."
"Jane, I was an impudent dog for a while with you. Please don't minimize that."
She thought about that for a moment, and then touched her finger to her nose and pointed at him. Frank laughed and did it back.
"But you changed," Jane said. "We both have. That's what counts. And like you told me, I have permission to be human, which means I'm probably going to mess up again in the future. And so will you. I may still be stubborn and temperamental at times, and you might still be impulsive."
"And stupid," Frank said.
"Not true!" Jane argued. Then she smiled playfully. "Okay, maybe ... on occasion ... you might not think things all the way through. In any case, we just have to work through it when it happens. Or when I do something that upsets you."
"We will," he said assuredly. He tugged at her hand. "Come here." His voice was low and deep, with a sexy playfulness that she recognized. They each moved over until their hips bumped in the corner of the sectional, making them both grin. Frank slipped his arm beneath Jane's legs to scoop her onto his lap. His hands caressed her face as they met in a slow, deep kiss.
Frank suddenly broke the liplock to gaze into her eyes. "You do know I'll never be vegan, right? Or a tea drinker? I just want to make sure that's okay."
Jane laughed and assured him, "Of course it is!" before kissing him again. Realizing that the angle of her position hurt her neck, she swiveled her body to straddle Frank, bending her knees on either side of his thighs. This felt so good, all of it: his fingertips so warm and tender on her face, his other hand supporting her back and pressing her closer, his lips so soft and familiar, the taste of his mouth so sweet.
"Will you stay with me tonight?" Frank murmured.
"Yes," she answered breathlessly. "I love you so much, Frank."
"Why?" The question had slipped out, but he suddenly realized he really wanted to know. He recalled their first confessions of love to one another when Jane wanted to know why he felt as he did, but he had been so arrogant--ARROGANT!--as to think her reasons for loving him were obvious. But there had been a period of time after their breakup when he had wondered how she had ever even liked him.
Jane's caressed his face, and he felt a shiver of sweetness at her touch. "I love you because you've been such a great friend to my family and me. I can't thank you enough for all you've done for my aunt and grandmother. I love you because you're an awesome brother, brother-in-law, and uncle." At that, Frank smiled, Caitlyn coming to mind.
"Because you believe in me. You've always believed in me, enough to tell me some hard truths about myself even when I was trying to push you away. And you make me laugh. I've always loved your sense of humor and how it makes the world brighter. I love your generous spirit, and how you use it to care about other people."
Jane took a deep breath as her throat grew tight. "Most of all, I love you because you love me so much. You never gave up on me, despite all the ways that I hurt you. You see who I really am, behind the mask of trying to be perfect that I often wear, and you love me anyway. And that's why I love you, Frank Churchill."
His eyes gazed at her very tenderly, but then they began to twinkle as he smiled mischievously. "Well, yeah, after all that, how can you not love me?"
Jane laughed. Of course he would say that. He was still Frank, after all. And that was a very good thing. As he drew her in for another kiss, she realized that her feelings of being adrift, of being a woman abroad, were gone. She was, at last, truly at home. With Frank, she always would be.
I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower
I'll hold your hand and then we'll jump right out
We'll be falling, falling but that's OK
'Cause I'll be right here.
Labrinth, featuring Emeli Sandé, "Beneath Your Beautiful"
"But it is done; we are reconciled, dearer, much dearer, than ever, and no moment's uneasiness can ever occur between us again."
Frank Churchill in Emma, ch. 50
18 April 2015
After telling Caroline, "No more shopping," months ago, Jane had finally relented today, allowing her friend to take her to splurge on a new dress from an eco-chic boutique. Hours later, Jane was taking her time primping, wanting to look her best not only because Frank was taking her out to celebrate her twenty-eighth birthday, but also because she had something important to discuss with him.
Ready at last, she approached the living room and could overhear Frank and Grandma talking. "Eric took Jeanine and Maddy several times," Grandma was saying, "but I never went."
"Why not?" Frank asked.
"I had enough of killing food on the farm back in Barbados. After I came here, I told Eric I wouldn't touch anything unless it was already dead and he had rid of any parts that could look back at me."
Jane heard Frank laugh before Grandma went on. "You know you're never going to get Jane to go with you."
Frank grumbled, "I know!"
"Where wouldn't I go?" Jane asked as she entered the room.
"Fishing," Grandma answered. "If you won't eat it, why would you catch it?"
"True," Jane replied with a smile. She turned to look at Frank who was staring at her, thunderstruck. She twirled for him so he could see the low-cut back of the turquoise mini dress that fit like skin. "You like it?"
"Oh yeah. Forget about dinner," Frank breathed, making Grandma laugh out loud.
"Not a chance," Jane said. "We need to talk."
"Oh, no!" he groaned.
Jane shook her head as she approached her grandmother to kiss her goodbye. "Grandma, why do men always think that's a bad thing? There are plenty of good things to talk about."
Frank smirked. "And why do women always put it that way? You make it sound scary."
"Oh, shush, it's not scary!" Grandma scolded him. "She's just trying to tell you she doesn't want to skip dinner."
"All right, I give up! We'll talk!" Frank conceded. "I'm outnumbered two to one on this."
"Three to one!" Maddy called out from the kitchen, where she was cooking dinner.
Laughing, Jane and Frank said goodbye to Grandma and Maddy and left the house for the evening. "Were you asking Grandma old time stories again?" Jane asked once they were on the road.
"Um-hmm," he answered. "I like hearing them. I wish I had that chance with my own grandparents. I feel like there are things I'll never know about them or about my mother."
"Your dad might be able to share some stories," Jane offered.
Frank mused on that and did his nose-point gesture. "But you have to be the one to ask him," he said. "He likes you much better than he likes me."
"Oh, he does not!" Jane protested.
"Yes, he does," Frank laughed. "You should hear him go on about how he can't believe I hooked a woman who's a Rhodes scholar, a classical pianist, a marathon runner, and the founder of her own foundation! I have to remind him that I do have a few accomplishments of my own."
"Plus, you're sexy, sweet, and a great friend and lover," Jane added with a smile, squeezing his knee.
Frank chuckled. "Unfortunately, sweetheart, those traits carry no weight with him. So, stories about my mom... would you ask him?"
"I will," Jane said. "I'd like to know more about her, too."
They soon arrived at their destination. Since tonight was Jane's night, Frank had chosen the Green Temple vegetarian restaurant in Redondo Beach. Jane waited until they had ordered before broaching her topic. From the moment she and Frank had gotten back together, they had agreed that marriage was what they both ultimately wanted. But with Grandma's surgery and recovery and all the hard work they were putting into establishing the Saving Water foundation and Caitlyn's Foods, along with Jane's customary caution, they had barely discussed it. Taking the next step in their relationship seemed like something that would happen... someday.
Two recent conversations, however, had lit a fire underneath Jane. She brought up the first one. "Dr. Singh says that Grandma's doing really well with her cardiac rehab. She's on schedule to finish by June."
"Yeah, she told me," Frank said. "She may still need some in-home care, though, and you'll know I'll take care of that."
"Oh, I know," Jane said, smiling and reaching over to take his hand. Frank had been paying for nurses to care for Grandma during the day while Jane and Maddy were working. "She's my grandmother, too," he had insisted.
Jane went on. "He wanted us to be realistic about her long-term progress, however. He said that she'll be at the height of her wellness right after rehab ends, and the effects may not last."
Frank squeezed her hand. "Does that scare you?"
"It does," Jane admitted. "But what it really makes me think about are the things I want to make sure she experiences while she's still with us."
"Her bucket list?" Frank said with a gentle smile.
"Exactly," Jane said. "And I know one of the big things on it." She paused. "I also talked to Sarah a couple of days ago, and she is so excited about visiting the U.S. for the first time, but especially about seeing us. So it got me thinking... if Grandma's rehab is done by June, and Sarah and Peter will be here the following month, why don't we get married in July? That way, we know that some of the people we love most will be able to celebrate with us."
Frank stared agape for a moment and then broke out into a huge smile. "Really? That soon?"
Jane held out her hands. "It's three months away. Emma Approved has been known to pull off a big event in a month's time. So, are you willing?"
Frank laughed. "Are you kidding me? Jane, you know I would marry you tomorrow it we could make it happen." His eyes widened. "Actually, we could!"
"No!" Jane protested, but her eyes were sparkling. "I am not running off to Vegas with you!"
Frank pouted. "Oh, all right!" He withdrew his hand from Jane's and reached into the inner pocket of his suit jacket. "I guess it's time to give you this." He placed a ring box onto the table and opened it up to reveal a Tiffany Soleste engagement ring with pink and white diamonds that matched the earrings she wore.
Now it was Jane's turn to stare. "Frank," she finally managed to say in a tone of wonder, "were you planning to do this tonight?"
As tempted as he was the say yes, Frank remembered that he and Jane had promised to be completely honest with one another. "Not exactly."
Jane raised an eyebrow.
"I've had this ring for almost a year. I bring it along whenever we have a special occasion, hoping the time is right to give it to you."
"You've had this for a year?" Jane was stunned, but also touched and overwhelmed that he had held onto it for this long, for her sake.
Frank shrugged. "What can I say? I like to be prepared." He smiled. "But I wasn't about to give it to you until I was one hundred percent sure you would accept it."
"Oh, Frank," she said tenderly. "I'm ready to accept it now."
She started to reach for the ring, but Frank suddenly snatched up the box. "Ah ah ah! That is not your job. It's mine."
Jane was about to hold out her hand to him until she noticed him standing up. "Wait, you don't have to do that!" she cried out.
"Oh, yes, I do!" Frank grinned as he dropped to one knee. When he looked up, Jane had covered her face with her hands, and he instantly felt a twinge of regret. Had he just made a stupid, impulsive mistake again? He was planning to take a walk on the beach with Jane later, and he could have done this then in private, which was Jane's usual preference. But he was so excited about her expressed desire to marry soon that he had jumped at the chance to present the ring right here in the restaurant. And now, they had attracted the attention of several nearby diners and waitstaff, who were watching them with curious anticipation.
"Jane, look at me, please," he whispered. As she dropped her hands, he started to say an apology, but then he noticed that Jane's eyes were shining and her smile was enormous. If this was the result of Jane "wanting to talk," he made a mental note not to complain about it again! His confidence restored, Frank took her left hand in his own and said, "Jane Fairfax, will you marry me?"
Jane, too, was aware of the audience they had attracted, but realized that she didn't care. Frank Churchill was her best friend, her beloved, her soulmate. She was head over heels in love with him, and she didn't mind if the whole world knew. So it was with an almost indescribable joy that she gazed into his eyes and answered, "Yes, yes, YES!"
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
Although Jane had secured her third major investor months ago, she had waited to approach Maxwell Howard again. After her disappointing attempts to find an entrance into the L.A. Schools, she had spent some time reconsidering her strategy. Frank had encouraged her with a quote from his distant ancestor, Winston Churchill, "Success consists of going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm." With his unflagging optimism, he had helped her to recognize that perhaps that door to the school district had closed in order to point her toward different possibilities. Frank had been right, and the Saving Water for Everyone foundation was now engaged in some promising new developments.
"Welcome again," the actor-turned-philanthropist greeted her, before leading her once more to his patio for a light breakfast meeting. "So," he said after they were seated, "you've identified additional investors and had a change in direction? I'm intrigued, Ms. Fairfax. Please tell me more."
"Well," Jane began with a smile, "Instead of trying to start my own local programs from scratch, I have been reaching out to organizations with different but related missions here in this region, including groups that provide free or low-cost home repair and weatherization services to low-income residents, and to urban gardening groups. My goal now is to make water efficiency and water retention systems an integral part of those programs."
"So no more educating youth?" Mr. Howard inquired.
"Oh, that's still key to what I'm doing! The L.A. Schools don't really have the capacity to integrate water conservancy into the school day, so I'm entering through the back door, so to speak. Many teachers seek income-earning opportunities during the summer. So for this coming summer, I've hired several district teachers along with university students studying subjects such as urban planning and environmental engineering. They're going to work together to develop hands-on science, tech, engineering and math activities that can teach children at different grade levels about water conservation."
Mr. Howard furrowed his brow. "I thought the schools didn't have time for it."
"They don't," Jane acknowledged. "That's why I've also reached out to a number of after school programs and summer camps, several of which are willing to implement the curriculum once it's completed. In addition, college students and high school students will serve as mentors to younger kids in these programs, and they will help develop water conservation systems for the residential improvement and urban gardening programs. We're making funds available to pay the college and high school students for their time, with a particular focus on recruiting lower-income students. That's important, because many lower-income youth wouldn't otherwise have the chance to participate in a program with career potential like this if it weren't paid because they so often need to work."
"Impressive," Mr. Howard said, starting to smile. "So you're finding other ways to reach out to youth. I also imagine that the teachers who help to develop the curriculum can't help but bring parts of it into their school day, even if it's unofficially."
"Exactly," Jane said, beaming. "A few of them are already planning field trips around these activities."
"I like it," Mr. Howard said. "Your U.S. projects seem on track. What about your work in West Africa?"
"Delayed until the Ebola outbreak subsides," Jane admitted. "However, in the meantime, I have been working with the Hygienic H2O Project, which provides clean water access in East Africa. Part of the curriculum will include students developing an understanding of the connections between the efforts to develop safe water sources in a country like Ethiopia, for instance, with the projects that they're doing here in the U.S. Someday soon, I fully believe, we'll be able to do the same with our own projects in Sierra Leone and other countries in West Africa."
Maxwell Howard nodded. "Excellent strategy. You also indicated that you have your letters of support from three major sponsors?"
"I do," said Jane, reaching into her portfolio and handing him several documents, which he quickly reviewed.
"I'm not familiar with the Lee family, but it's fantastic that you've engaged the Darcy family and Pemberley Digital. In addition to funding, they'll be able to provide you with outstanding publicity."
Jane nodded. "They've already promised that."
Mr. Howard observed her closely. "I told you during our first meeting that I'm very honest. I have to admit to being concerned about your third sponsor."
"Why is that?" Jane asked boldly.
He raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure you know that your name has been connected to Frank Churchill's in less than favorable ways."
"I know," Jane said, "and so I'll match your honesty with my own. Mr. Churchill and I are engaged to be married."
Mr. Howard couldn't hide his surprise. "Well, that's big news! But don't you think that your personal connection to him makes his sponsorship suspect?"
"Not at all," Jane replied. "He's completely committed to our mission, and at this point, I'm not receiving a salary, so it's the organization that's benefiting from his support, not me personally. And may I ask you a question?"
"Please do."
"Would you be concerned if we were a husband and wife team devoted to this work together? Bill and Melinda Gates come to mind. If not, I'm not sure why my relationship with Mr. Churchill should be a concern."
Mr. Howard was quiet for a moment. "Good point," he finally said, smiling again and holding out his hand to her. "Congratulations, Ms. Fairfax. You've convinced me. I'm on board."
Saturday, 25 July 2015
Jane and Frank couldn't have asked for a better day. Emma and Harriet pulled off a fabulous event, securing an eco-friendly outdoor venue with an exquisite view and breezes from the Pacific Ocean, organic local foods and wines catered by the restaurant Serle's in Sanditon, and samples of the newly developed Caitlyn's Foods items as gifts for all the guests.
Sarah Dixon served as Jane's matron of honor, and Annie Weston and Caroline Lee-Elton as her bridesmaids. Frank had two best men--Ryan Weston and his dad, Geoff Churchill--along with Peter Dixon as his groomsman. Lorraine Bates and Eugenie James stood in for the couple's mothers, and lit candles in memory of Dominic and Jeanine Fairfax, and Wei-ming, Jie, and Audrey Leung. Jane's Aunt Maddy walked her down the aisle.
The late afternoon wedding was deeply moving, as all who knew them well and loved them understood how much the couple had overcome to arrive at this moment of commitment and devotion to one another. But everyone agreed that as lovely and profound as the wedding was, it was surpassed by the very special reception that took place that evening.
"There's a proverb that talks about a friend who sticks closer than a brother," Ryan Weston began as part of his toast to the newlywed couple, "and I can honestly say, Frank has been both to me. I first met him at fourteen when our parents started dating, and I liked him instantly. He was this nutty kid who totally got my goofy sense of humor. Since then, no matter what I've been through, he's always stuck by me, and I can only hope that I've done the same for him."
Frank nodded his assurance that yes, Ryan had.
"And Jane," Ryan turned to his new sister-in-law, "what can I say? We Weston-Churchill boys marry up!" At this, the wedding guests laughed, and Jane and Frank exchanged teasing grins. "You've not only made Frank a better man, you've made him an extraordinarily happy one. And for that, I'm very grateful to you. I wish you both many, many long years of love and joy together."
Geoff Churchill then took Ryan's place at the podium to say a few words. "I think most parents hope that despite their mistakes, their children will turn out okay. In my case, however, my son has more than exceeded my expectations. Frank, I don't know if I have words to describe how very proud of you I am, and how proud I know you mother would be if she were here today."
Jane felt the pressure of Frank squeezing her hand, and knew he was getting emotional.
"And Jane," Geoff turned to her, "you are one of the loveliest and most accomplished young women I've ever met. I can say with certainty that marrying you is very best thing that Frank could possibly have done. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for choosing my son."
It's my honor, thought Jane as she squeezed Frank's hand back.
"Now I know that at this point," Geoff went on, turning back to the crowd, "I'm supposed to raise a toast, but the matron of honor has requested an opportunity to present something first. Since she's a fellow Brit, I'm inclined to let her," he said with a grin. "So without further ado, allow me to turn the microphone over to Sarah Dixon."
As Sarah approached the podium, Alex and Peter pushed out a giant hi-def TV on a large stand onto the stage. Frank and Jane exchanged puzzled glances as the two men began to attach cords from the set to a nearby power strip. Sarah, meanwhile, was hooking up cords from a laptop to a projector.
"Hello, everyone," Sarah said brightly, which quieted the guests who had begun to whisper among themselves. "As you know, Jane and Frank asked for donations to be given to the United Together Children's Centre, Doctors without Borders, or the clean water charity of your choice in lieu of wedding gifts. But I have a hard head and I didn't listen. So Jane and Frank, here is your wedding gift from Peter and me, and not just from us, but also many others."
She used a remote control to turn on the television and a video began to play. "Congratulations to Jane and Frank from your friends in the UK," scrolled across the screen. Sarah and Peter then appeared in what Jane recognized as their living room. Both waved at the camera. "Hello, Jane and Frank!" called out the taped version of Sarah. "Peter and I are very excited to be able to share in your special day with you. But we know that there are many others here in England and Scotland who also want to share your joy, so we decided to give them that chance."
"Awesome!" Frank whispered to Jane.
The next scene showed Sarah entering a pub that Jane remembered from her years at Oxford. Peter, Jane assumed, was holding the camera. Once inside, Sarah joined a group of their graduate school friends. Jane covered her mouth to hold back her giggles of pleasure. "We're gathered here, Jane, to drink a pint in your honor," announced Sarah. One by one, her old school friends expressed their good wishes, and then lifted their pints and shouted, "Cheers!"
As the wedding guests applauded, the video jumped to another location, this time a pub in London. At this one, a group of Frank's rock climbing mates had gathered and shared similar congratulations before drinking up in honor of the newlyweds. "Aw man, this is great!" Frank uttered in obvious pleasure at the scene.
The video jumped again to the Southbank along the Thames. Jane's heart caught, recalling the many wonderful memories she had of that location. "Hello again!" Sarah called out on screen. "Jane, Peter and I still run here, and every time, I remember running here with you, as well as the amazing walks and talks we had here." Sarah continued on, soon arriving at the entrance of the building that housed Sustainable London. Jane felt tears prick her eyes as she realized whom she was about to see.
Sure enough, the camera soon traveled to the small conference room of her former workplace where her old colleagues had gathered and were eating cake. "Jane," Eugenie smiled, "I am so very happy for you and Frank. I am glad I will be able to join you for your wedding, and that you have invited me to take part in it. My one regret is that I won't have the opportunity to tell you that you're the most beautiful woman in England!"
Jane smiled, remembering Eugenie's promise at Sarah's engagement party to say just those words whenever Jane got engaged.
The camera swept over to Derek, who said, "Congratulations, Jane and Frank. I only wish I had known about this video in advance. I'm sure Michael would have composed a poem for you!"
"Ife and I both wish you all the best," Andrew added in his deep but gentle voice. "After twenty-two years of marriage, I can tell you that you will have your ups and downs, but if you keep the respect and the trust, it only gets better and better."
Arjun held up a forkful of cake. "Hello there, mates. We're eating this in your honor. So let us know the next time you have any kind of celebration, and we'll eat another cake just for you."
Jane laughed, her joy bubbling over.
"Hi, Jane!" Alyssa waved. "I won't say much now because in a short while I have a special message for you."
The camera jumped again, this time to a local park. Jane recognized the neighborhood around it, in the borough of Islington. She soon spotted Alyssa along with several teenagers. "Everyone," Alyssa shouted to the kids, "talk to my friend in America. Tell her what we've been doing here."
Different youth began to talk, describing a park that had been overgrown with weeds and had become a haven for gangs. They had worked with local authorities to help clean up the park, and later planted a garden there. "We built a playground, too!" one young woman announced.
"The kids helped me find sponsors to raise funds for the playground as well as a company to build it," Alyssa explained, "and we were allowed to help with the construction."
These days, a young man went on, young children came to play, families held picnics in the park, and community members worked in the garden. Another kid pointed out the rain barrels that watered the gardens, and the compost pile that helped to fertilize it.
"This is your legacy, Jane," Alyssa added. "I know it isn't everything we envisioned, but what these kids are doing here is brilliant. And it's because of you, because of everything you taught me and all the ways you inspired me. Thank you."
Jane was openly crying now, realizing that her work in London hadn't been in vain, and imagining the youth that her own foundation would help in the near future. Frank put his arm around her back and gently rubbed it.
The scene jumped again to Sarah entering a small café. As she did, she said, "It took me a while to find these two, but I'm so glad I did."
The face of a dark-skinned young man appeared on screen. Jane didn't recognize him, but Frank did. "That's Betty's brother!" he whispered to her in surprise.
The young man smiled. "Hello, Mr. Churchill!" he said. "Do you remember me, Stephen? I live here in London now, and I am attending university. I hear you are getting married. I am very happy for you and for your wife. I hope you will bring her here to London one day so that I can meet her."
Frank chuckled and whispered to Jane, "Next couple of months. We're going back!"
Betty's bright smile appeared on screen. "Hello, Mr. Churchill and Miss Jane! Congratulations! I am so, so, SO happy for you! You are such good people, and you deserve so much happiness. It is because of everything you have done for my family, Mr. Churchill, that my brother is here with me. So thank you, thank you! God bless you both!"
Jane watched Frank blink rapidly and knew that he was tearing up. She leaned into him and rested her head against his shoulder.
The video skipped again, this time to the community centre in Hackney. Already an emotional wreck, Jane knew she was about to really lose it.
Sarah smiled at the camera. "Jane and Frank, some very special people want to say hello." She moved inside and walked to the centre's large community room. Gathered there were many of Jane's former music students and their parents, along with a number of children and adults she didn't recognize.
Margaret, the centre's programme director, addressed the camera first. "As you can see, our music programme has really grown, and it's because of you, Jane and Frank! Jane, it was because of your vision and the way you gave your time and talent that this programme exists in the first place. And Frank, you enabled us to keep it going and build upon it because of your generosity. Thank you both so very much, and all the best to you."
The next people to appear on camera were the Judson family. Karyanne was jumping up and down, waving, and calling out, "Hi, Jane and Frank! I miss you!" Daniel, now twelve and probably at that stage where he was too cool to act excited, merely nodded at the camera, but his parents were both smiling brightly. Jane turned to see her grandmother gesturing excitedly to Eugenie, knowing it meant that Grandma recognized them.
"Jane and Frank," said Roger, "thank you very much for everything you have done for our children and our family. We owe you so much."
"Congratulations!" Rose cried. "When you start having those pretty babies of yours, make sure you send us pics!"
Jane and Frank both laughed at that.
A young woman in a hijab whom Jane didn't know appeared on camera. "Hello Jane," she said, "I am Rikayah. Like you, I am a pianist. I want to say thank you, because from you I received many, many students who love music and were very well-taught. And now we have a performance for you."
The camera panned back to take in the room. Daniel sat at a keyboard, while Karyanne said on her father's lap, guitar in hand. The rest of the children gathered in the middle of the room, where Rikayah stood in front to conduct them. Raising her hands, she said, "One, two, three," and Daniel and Karyanne, with her father's guidance, began to play a familiar James Taylor tune. The other children began to sing, and soon the wedding guests viewing the video joined in when they got to the chorus,
Winter, spring, summer and fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yes, I will
You've got a friend.
When they finished, Jane glanced up at Frank, who, like her, was now wiping his eyes.
The camera skipped to Sarah again. "Jane and Frank, there is one final group of people who really wanted to give you their good wishes."
The video jumped to the home of Sarah's grandparents in Glasgow. In the living room, Sarah's parents, grandparents, and brother had gathered.
"Congratulations!" called out the elder Mr. and Mrs. Campbell.
"Jane and Frank," the younger Mrs. Campbell said, "you are like another daughter and son to us."
"Please know that whenever you come back to England or Scotland," added the younger Mr. Campbell, "you always have a home to come to and a family to stay with."
"I'm happy for you both," Justin chimed in. "Frank, I was going to send you a box of chocolates as a wedding present, but for some reason Sarah wouldn't let me."
Frank and Jane both burst out laughing.
The camera then jumped to one other person: Aunt Sophie Ferguson. Unlike everyone else who had appeared in the video, she wasn't smiling. In fact, she looked downright irate. The reception guest became very quiet, wondering what this part of the video was about.
"I've heard about your upcoming nuptials," Aunt Sophie said crossly. "Jane Fairfax, let this be a warning to you. You had better treat Frank Churchill with the utmost love and respect. I will be watching." A bit of a gasp went up around the room before she went on. "And if you do not, I will be waiting... to take your place."
A few guests began to titter, when suddenly Mrs. Ferguson broke out into an enormous smile. "In the meantime, I wish you both the happiest of marriages! Congratulations, and all my love to you!"
With that, the chuckling turned into full-blown laughter, with Jane and Frank laughing the hardest. They forced themselves to quiet down to hear the final words of the video. Sarah and Peter appeared on screen in their living room again. "Jane and Frank, we hope you have enjoyed this video," Peter said. "Sarah and I could think of no greater gift to give you than to let you know how many people here love you and will never forget you."
"Most of all, us," Sarah added. "You are our dearest friends, and we are so thankful to be a part of your wedding. See you soon!"
With that, the screen faded to black. As the wedding guests applauded, Jane and Frank sat still for some time, overwhelmed with emotions. Frank was able to rise first, and reached for Jane's hand. They walked together to embrace Sarah and Peter for what, they agreed later, was the best present either of them had ever received in their lives.
December 2016
Jane and Frank had arrived at Lungi International Airport in Freetown, Sierra Leone after a stopover in Dakar, Senegal and a brief sojourn in Ethiopia. In the latter, they drove with Yohanna Bekele and one of her Hygienic H2O colleagues about two hundred kilometers from Addis Ababa to a small village, where they celebrated the opening of a new well named in honor of Audrey Leung, Frank's mother.
If Yohanna or Lyndsey McColm had known of Frank's connection to Jane at the time of his donation, they had been too polite to say--and continued to be so when Jane had presented Lyndsey with an invitation to their wedding back in Los Angeles. With the couple's marriage becoming a well-known event, however, Lyndsey offered Frank another opportunity to attend the village celebration, and this time he happily accepted.
Jane was surprised and delighted to learn about his donation, and highly amused by the additional sixty dollars he had added to the generous gift. "Hey, you told me to give it to a good cause!" he said, in mock defensiveness.
"So my angry tirade led to some good, huh?" she teased.
"That wasn't an angry tirade," Frank smirked. "Believe me, I've been on the receiving end of one of yours, and I know! That was just... ice cold resolve."
"Ouuuch!" Jane said. "You're not painting a very pretty picture of me."
Frank put his arms around her waist and pulled her close, still smiling. "I don't know about that. You're beautiful even when you're telling me to go to hell. Besides, ice cold resolve is what I needed from you to knock some sense into my head."
She smiled back. "So you could turn around and knock some into mine!"
Whatever the impetus for Frank's gift, both he and Jane felt very honored to be present at the unveiling of a new source of clean water for a community much in need of it. The timing could not have been better, as the new well celebration coincided with the lifting of the State Department's warnings against travel to Sierra Leone. It was now time to pay a visit to a country so special to Jane's heart.
This visit would be just the one step toward completing two of the couple's biggest goals. During their ten-day trip, they would reach out to other NGO's operating in the country to establish partnerships and identify regions where new clean water projects might be feasible. Although Jane was excited about this long-term dream of hers finally being realized, the chance to visit the United Together Children's Centre with Frank was even more dear to her.
Jane gripped Frank's hand as they rode in a taxi from their hotel through the busy streets of Freetown to the orphanage. "I keep trying to tell myself that this is just one step among many," she said, a little breathlessly. They had already completed their international adoption application and been approved by the U.S. government, as well as the application procedures with the international adoption agency that handled the cases of orphans at the Children's Centre. Choosing a child and the legalization of the adoption by the Sierra Leonan government remained ahead of them.
Frank squeezed her hand back. "Yeah, but this is the most important step, I would say." The agency had sent photos and profiles of several children available for adoption, and today they would have a chance to meet them.
"We're ready for this, right?" Jane asked. She didn't know why she was so nervous.
Positive as always, Frank smiled. "Definitely. There are so many people helping us in this, sweetheart. Not just our relatives, but everyone else we've met."
She nodded, thinking about the months they had spent, not just completing their home study for adoption approval, but meeting with other parents of international adoptees, and with people from the Sierra Leonan immigrant community in L.A. Those meetings had been very emotional for Frank and Jane, because although the folks they had met had been supportive, they had warned them to be prepared. "No one has been untouched by Ebola," one woman told them. "Everyone has lost a family member, or a neighbor, or someone they were connected to. These children not only have no family, but they are a part of an entire country that is grieving."
Jane and Frank listened carefully, absorbing the stories. They both had lived through grief and loss as young children, although not to the same extent. Jane also considered the racism and prejudice that their child might experience. Kids, and unfortunately, too many adults, could be unwittingly or purposefully cruel. There had been too many stories in the news of African children from countries far removed from the Ebola outbreak who had been discriminated against because of people's fears of the disease.
Again, however, Frank had given her confidence. After one dinner with some new Sierra Leonan friends back in L.A., she had remarked to Frank that she appreciated that he was never uncomfortable being the only non-black face in the room. "That's how I realized I was in love with you, you know."
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "I thought it was because I was helping Betty's family."
Jane shook her head. "That was part of it, but it wasn't the biggest reason. It was Betty telling me that you had visited her family in Nigeria. Anyone can give money, but you went far beyond that."
"I went kind of on a whim, since I was in Lagos anyway," he explained. "They didn't live that far and I had some time to kill."
"You're selling yourself short," Jane protested. "You know it meant a lot to them. But what really moved me"--and here Jane smiled--"was this vision I had of you walking into Betty's village and acting like you were right at home."
Frank shrugged. "Why wouldn't I be?"
She laughed. "See! That's just what I mean! I've seen this quality in you time and time again, the way you can go into any group of people and just fit right in. That's a rare gift, honey. And when Betty told me that story, that's when I realized just how special you are."
He gazed at her in amazement. "You really thought that about me back then?"
Jane nodded.
"Wow... You know, before I knew you, I thought I was all that for superficial reasons, like money and success. Then I met you and started to realize how meaningless all that was. I was trying to change for you, however misguided my attempts were. But I guess I somehow fooled you even at the beginning of our relationship?"
She placed her hands on Frank's cheeks and kissed him tenderly. "You didn't fool me about anything. That's who you always were, and I could see it in you."
He laughed. "But it took a good woman to bring it out!"
She touched her nose and pointed. "And vice versa! You bring out the best in me, too! That's why I know that no matter what our kid goes through, we can handle it together."
Frank rested his forehead against Jane's. "It'll be an adventure for us, and our kids in our multicultural family, black and white and Asian."
Jane smiled. "And American and British."
He laughed, "And Chinese, Bajan, and Sierra Leonan. It'll never be boring, that's for sure!"
I can't wait, Jane had thought at the time, and now she said those same words aloud as they approached the neighborhood where the children's centre was located.
They were welcomed by one of the orphanage workers, Muhammad, who led them into a small parlor inside the main building of the centre and offered them seats. "Someone is very eager to see you," he told Jane.
A few minutes later, a pretty young woman with a round face and smooth, clear ebony skin entered the room. "Hannah!" Jane cried out, and rose to hug her.
"Frank, this is Hannah Taylor-Johnson. She's a teacher here. She looked after me when I was here six years ago! Hannah, this is my husband, Frank Churchill."
"Congratulations, and a pleasure to meet you," Hannah said to Frank.
"Likewise," he answered.
"I didn't know whether anyone I knew would still be here!" Jane went on.
"Oh, there are several of us," Hannah assured her. "And a few of the children, too, although they are so grown up you would not recognize them. May I take her to visit someone?" she asked Frank.
"Of course," he said. After Hannah and Jane departed, Frank found Muhammad again and asked whether he might walk around the grounds. In the heart of Sierra Leone's dry season, the day was sunny and beautiful.
Muhammad gave him permission, so Frank began to wander around outdoors. He stopped to watch a football match being played by children who appeared to be ages ten and up. As he began to take some photos of the match with his mobile, he heard giggling, and looked around to spot several young children running to hide behind a tree. He waved to them, and one little boy waved back. More giggling and whispering among the children followed, and then the boy who had waved slowly emerged from behind the tree. As he drew near, Frank grinned, wondering whether the other children had dared him to approach.
When the boy, who was about five, stopped a few feet in front of him, Frank realized that he recognized him as one of the children whose profiles he and Jane had reviewed. Frank even recalled his name, because it had tickled Jane due to her fondness for transcendentalist philosophers. "Hello, Emerson," he said.
The boy's eyes widened. "You know my name?"
Frank smiled and got down on one knee in order to be at eye level with the boy. "I've seen your photo. My name is Frank."
Hearing the word 'photo', Emerson pointed to Frank's phone. "Will you take a snap of me?"
"Sure." Frank aimed the mobile at the smiling child and tapped the photo icon. "Want to see?"
Emboldened or perhaps just curious, Emerson walked over and looked at his photo and laughed in delight. "Can I see more?"
Frank began to scroll through the pictures he had taken of the older children playing, as well as some of the recent shots he had taken in Ethiopia.
"She is pretty," Emerson said. He was looking at a picture of Jane.
Frank smiled broadly. "She is, isn't she? She's my wife."
"You have a wife?" Emerson asked, as if that surprised him. "Can I take a snap, too?"
"Sure. What do you want to take?"
Shyly, Emerson pointed at himself and then Frank.
Frank raised an eyebrow. "A selfie, huh? We can do that."
He showed Emerson how to operate the camera feature, and then allowed the boy to take several photos of the two of them together. After this, Emerson turned and ran back to his friends, who soon emerged from behind the tree and came over to Frank as well. Frank grinned, realizing that Emerson must have reassured them that everything was okay. Soon he was surrounded by children asking him to 'take my snap.'
"I see you've made some friends."
Frank looked up to see Jane and Hannah watching them. He was momentarily arrested by the sight of Jane. Her eyes were shining and her smile was radiant.
"That's your wife!" Emerson announced, and then clapped his hand over his mouth as if he had just said something naughty.
Jane laughed. She remembered the boy from the profiles they had been sent, and not only because of his name. His dimpled smile, prominent cheekbones, and the mischievous gleam in his eyes reminded her of Frank, even more so in person than in his photo.
"That's right, this is my wife," Frank said. He stood up and began to introduce the children. "Jane, this is Emerson, Favour, Ibrahim, Emmanuel and Miriam."
Jane greeted each child, and then Hannah told the children to run off to play, because she needed to take the couple on a tour. Emerson jumped up and raised his hand. "May I go with you, Teacher?"
"Yeah, can he come with us? Please?" Frank asked Hannah.
Hannah smiled. "I suppose."
"You go for what you want. I like that," Frank said to Emerson as the four of them began to walk together.
"Carpe diem," Emerson said.
Frank and Jane stared at each other in amazement. "Where did you learn that? Do you know what it means?" Frank asked the boy.
Emerson pointed to Hannah. "She taught us. It means, 'seize the day.'"
"That's right," Frank said, smiling. "It does." He turned to look at Jane, and from her expression, he knew they were both in agreement. They had found their son.
© 2014 Copyright held by the author.