Trying Patience
Chapter Thirty-Three
Julia had not counted on meeting anybody in town, but during her shopping expedition with Lady Pritchard and Evelina she kept encountering admirals and their wives. All of those must have perfect memories, for they all greeted her. She wondered why none of these gentlemen were at sea, when her husband was. It was not fair.
"To be sure, Julia, you must indeed be very unsociable, for you know half the town," Lady Pritchard commented.
"That is not true, but those admirals are always out of doors!" Julia defended herself. She was a little embarrassed that some of the greetings had taken her by surprise because she had not been expecting to see anybody. "I am not to blame for that habit of theirs."
Lady Pritchard's curiosity knew no bounds. "How do they know you?"
"We attended a few evening parties before we sailed."
"You must have been a great hit."
"Hardly," Julia responded in alarm. "I hardly spoke to anybody. I was a novelty at best, not a hit." She was happy to enter a shop and to have her mind taken off anyone naval for a while.
It was not to last for very long, for suddenly someone took her arm and cried out, "what happened?"
Julia had just been advising Evelina about a particular colour and she started. Turning aside, she perceived Mrs. Porter. "Mrs. Porter!" It made sense that she was also in this particular street if it was the admirals' favourite walk, although she did not have her husband with her.
"Are you not supposed to be at sea, Lady Julia?" Mrs. Porter looked uncomprehending. "I heard you were about! I ran into the Godfreys some way down the street. They told me they had seen you and I could not believe them, but here you are."
"I..." Julia hesitated. How would someone understand who had never been seasick? "I was so ill."
Mrs. Porter's countenance changed. "Ill?" she asked in concern. "Did you leave the ship because you were ill? But you look so well now!"
"Thankfully! It made our decision the right one. I could not keep any food down, Mrs. Porter, and I was losing all my strength," she imparted in a low voice, for they were in the middle of a shop. Her appearance contradicted her words now, she well knew. She looked fine and healthy.
"Shall we sit down and have a pastry next door, Lady Julia?" Mrs. Porter suggested. "Or were you busy choosing fabrics?"
"A pastry!" Julia examined her appetite. A pastry would be welcome, as her stomach felt rather empty. "I would -- I was shopping with two friends, but they could find me next door, I suppose. I have no business in this shop myself." She turned to Lady Pritchard. "Would you mind if I went next door with Mrs. Porter? I shall not disappear."
Lady Pritchard did not have much of a choice, but she seemed glad that she was allowed to stay in the shop to finish her purchase. "Oh, go! We shall be here for a while."
Julia and Mrs. Porter repaired to the pastry shop. After Mrs. Porter had advised about the best sort to eat, she returned to the topic of Julia's illness. "How long did your illness last?"
"Weeks! It was awful. I was very disappointed with myself." Julia glanced at the table, wondering how soon she could start eating without appearing starved. "I let him down. I could not be a good wife."
"Disappointed? I do not understand."
"It is his life. What use am I if I cannot share his life?" Julia had recovered from that feeling for the most part, having discovered other ways in which she could be useful to him, such as in maintaining the contact with his relatives. Still, she remembered how dejected and disappointed she had felt at the time.
"Yes, but -- I was under the impression that -- perhaps I was wrong." Mrs. Porter looked confused.
"I do not understand you. What impression did you have?" Julia asked in between bites.
"First I thought you were ill with some sort of fever. Then you mentioned you could not keep your food down. For weeks!" Apparently that was very odd.
"Yes, for weeks. The surgeon's potion, which was said to work, did not work," Julia said with a resigned gesture.
"Of course it did not!" cried Mrs. Porter, who then looked embarrassed at receiving glances from other customers.
"How would you know it did not? He thought it would."
"What sort of surgeon was he that he -- did he never take a look at you?"
"No, he did not."
"How is that possible?"
"John took care of me." Julia wondered why the surgeon had indeed never examined her. She supposed that had been because the diagnosis had been made and apart from giving out potions there was nothing he could have done.
"What a fool!" Mrs. Porter blurted out.
"I beg your pardon?" Julia looked alarmed. "Should he not have done so because of his rank?"
"He should have let the surgeon -- but perhaps that would not have made any difference. Men! Fools!" Mrs. Porter gave a fierce shake of the head and then attacked her pastry.
"If the surgeon had looked at me, would I have recovered and could I still have been at sea?" Her breath caught in her throat at the thought that she might have been able to stay if she had been examined. "Did I give up too soon?"
"No! There would have been no remedy except time. Weeks, you said! When did you come ashore and when did it end?"
No remedy except time! Julia was somehow relieved to hear that. "I sailed for about four weeks. I came home in early December and I was well again perhaps halfway through that month. I did not want to think too much of the date, since it would remind me of how much time I would still have to live through until the summer. I was sure I would not manage."
"And when were you married?"
"Er..." Julia coloured instantly. It was later than Mrs. Porter would think. It had been a day after she had first met Admiral Porter, yet she had called herself Lady Julia Henson then. "I would rather not say."
Mrs. Porter accepted that, yet she looked thoughtful. She ate some more of her pastry. "The round ones are also very good. Would you like another one?" She pointed at the counter. "Have a look."
Julia got up to look. They looked very tasty indeed and she ordered two more.
"Oh dear!" said her companion when she returned to the table. "Do you have an appetite for two, Lady Julia?"
Julia sat down again. "One is for you, Mrs. Porter. I would not be so unmannered as to get two for me alone."
"Ah." Mrs. Porter gave her a cryptic smile. "I meant that you could have another if you liked. I shall try to eat mine, but I am rather smaller than you."
"Yes," Julia agreed. "I did not understand why John called you Betsy. I always thought those were large women." She dropped a crumb and shook it off her gown. "What I do not understand is why you said the surgeon should have looked at me, yet it would not have mattered to relieve my sickness. Or were you merely trying to make me feel better about not having consulted him because of the deep regret I would feel if it turned out that he could have cured me?"
"He would not have been able to cure you, but he would have been able to tell you from what you were suffering. At least, I hope he would be knowledgeable enough for that."
Julia frowned. Something was not right. "How, if you are not sure a surgeon would be knowledgeable, could you know what ailed me?"
"I do not know, but I would advise you to consult a physician. You must, Lady Julia, you must."
It was odd that there appeared to be such urgency. "But it has all passed. There is no point in consulting one now. I am completely healthy again."
"Really?" Mrs. Porter looked to be a little in doubt. "But on the whole it takes months to recover from weeks of sickness and usually one ends up with a little memento."
"I feel fine," Julia assured her. Before she could start wondering about Mrs. Porter's words, her eye fell on a perfectly attired gentleman outside. It could be her brother, but it could also be a complete stranger, she was embarrassed to admit to herself.
"Do you know any of those gentlemen?" Mrs. Porter inquired after turning her head to see what had captured Julia's attention.
"Perhaps. It might be my brother, but it is very odd to ask him if he is, is it not? Excuse me, are you Gerald?" No, she could not step out to ask him such a question. What if it was him? She ought to know. Why did everybody she knew have to be in this street? It was a fashionable shopping and strolling area, but it made her look as if she had a wide acquaintance.
"When did you last see him?"
Julia kept her eyes on the gentleman as she spoke. "After my son had died. In the spring. I do not think I told you about him. I only had one child. He was twenty-six. My brother visited me then." She sighed and then spoke more quickly. "But those fashionable hairstyles alter a person beyond recognition and I am afraid I saw him only irregularly after I married. He was only five when I got married. We do not know each other well."
Mrs. Porter gave her a few thoughtful glances, but she also kept an eye on the small group of gentlemen outside. "Which one?"
"The one with the -- who are those women? He is not married." Julia noticed the elaborately dressed women only now. She did not like the look of them. "I do not want to know who they are. Can they not walk on?"
They could not walk on, for the entire party entered the pastry shop. Two young women with feathered hats led the way, followed by four young gentlemen. They looked around for a table large enough to accommodate them all. "There! Gerry, there!" squealed one of the girls, pointing at a table behind Julia.
Julia rose slowly.
One of the gentlemen started and stared. "Julia?"
"Gerald, what are you doing in a pastry shop with...actresses? Or would they be opera singers?" She gave the feathers a disdainful glance.
"Who is she, Gerry?" the shortest of the girls asked with a pretty pout. "You are with us now. Come."
"My sister, the Dowager Duchess of Muncester," he answered, drawing a few impressed looks from his companions.
"I am less proud of our connection," Julia commented sarcastically. He cared nothing for his sister, only for her title -- the one she used to have. "Your breeding does not show. The company you keep! But it is good that I see you. I still had to tell you I got married."
"Married?" Gerald's eyes bulged. "Good lord, why? To whom? Why did you think it necessary to get married at your age?"
"A reason you will never understand." She sat down again and looked at Mrs. Porter, a little embarrassed to have such relatives. "So I was correct. It was him."
"But, sister..." He still stood beside the table. "To whom?"
"Do not call me sister. I am not proud of the connection. You know why." She could not forgive him for the circles into which he had introduced Daniel. He would still have died, but she might have been less aggravated in the years before.
Gerald straightened his back and marched out of the shop, leaving his companions behind in shock.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Julia shrugged at Gerald's departure and she turned back to Mrs. Porter. She did not want to look at the table behind her and so she rambled a little nervously. "It is good that he left before Lady Pritchard joined us. I told her I would not receive invitations in town and she started questioning that when all the admirals kept greeting me. I really do not have many friends. I cannot help that the admirals remembered me, nor that they are all walking here! Lady Pritchard said I must have been a great hit, but I know I was not. I must restore my neighbour's opinion of me. I think the admirals only remembered me because they are constantly together and any new person stands out."
"They are indeed always together. They are all walking here because everybody is walking here and they know they will meet many friends if they do so as well. Why does your brother think you could not be married at your age?"
"Oh." Julia gestured dismissively. "I have no idea. He has probably taken over my father's notions of marriage. They are not mine."
"No, they do not seem to be," Mrs. Porter agreed with a smile.
Julia was more in favour of a companionable marriage, not some business transaction between connections and money. Her brother was looking for a rich bride, such as she had been once. "Although I did not really have any opinion on it when I entered into the state. Not one I could have voiced, at any rate. I am voicing rather a lot for an unsociable person," she remarked in wonder. "I am sorry if I am boring you."
"Boring me! On the contrary. Perhaps you are not as unsociable as you think."
It occurred to Julia that perhaps she ought to quiz Mrs. Porter rather than speak about herself all the time. "Why does John call you Betsy?" She could still not see any reason for that.
Mrs. Porter looked amused. "I waddled like a duck when he first met me. He said Evangeline was a name for ladies who walked elegantly."
Julia was appalled at his manners. "He can be so tactless! You do not waddle." She had never noticed such a thing at all and she would have. Mrs. Porter walked like an ordinary woman. It was true that she was not elegant, but she had no need to be.
"I did then."
"Why? Were you very little? The only ones I can think of that come close to waddling are very small children." But she would think John was younger than Mrs. Porter by several years and so she was more likely to have seen him waddle than the reverse.
"I was carrying twins."
"You could have put them down and shown him you do not waddle." That was what she would have done, to prove him wrong. Unknowingly, her face displayed the look she would give him.
Mrs. Porter made a strangled noise. She patted her stomach. "It would have been a little difficult to put them down, Lady Julia."
Julia stared and comprehension dawned. "Oh dear. I am really not -- I am beginning to doubt my understanding. Before I met John I was never stupid, but since then -- yes. But did he not know? Did he not know you would at some point walk normally again?"
"I suppose he might have, had he wanted to be clever, but after a while the name had taken root and he could not think of me as anything else. I did not mind."
"But I can still not imagine it. Why did he not call you Mrs. Porter if it was the first time he met you?" He would not see a stranger and be so unmannered as to call her Betsy and say she waddled! No, he had better manners than that.
Apparently Mrs. Porter had not known such a question could be asked, for she looked nonplussed. "Er...I do not know."
"If he hurries," Julia said after a moment's reflection, "John will be able to see Clementine waddle. It sounds much like Evangeline, does it not? What would he make of that?"
"Who is Clementine?"
"Oh! I am sorry. She is my nephew's wife. She will have a child in the summer. Oh!" She remembered something amusing. "And Julia, her daughter, thinks John is away buying the baby and that he will bring it with him. The baby may arrive before he does, though."
Mrs. Porter chuckled. "He will have sent it ahead by mail in that case. But I take it he has no idea that he is shopping? A summer birth would suggest that the revelation took place after his departure."
Julia nodded. She was not as quick at those calculations as Mrs. Porter seemed to be, but she at least knew that John had no idea. "It would be a pleasant surprise for him to have another grandchild upon his return. I hope it is a boy."
"Grandchild," Mrs. Porter repeated.
"My nephew is my new son," Julia explained. She hoped that sufficed. It was perhaps a little odd to take a nephew as a son, although she was sure other people had done it too if they had no children of their own.
"Ah, I see. Your nephew is very fortunate to have two such doting prospective grandparents at the ready to spoil his child."
Julia blushed, for it sounded a little mocking. Perhaps she was too doting. "Have you got any grandchildren?"
"Not yet, but my youngest two are only thirteen, so I am occasionally still in the middle of all manner of childish behaviour." Mrs. Porter looked cheerful, but no less determined that it was quite enough for the time being.
"If they are boys, that will never stop," Julia said with a severe look. "My nephew and his steward are very, very bad -- and they are serious young men in other aspects."
Lady Pritchard and Evelina chose that moment to be done with their shopping and they came into the pastry shop to find Julia.
After parting from Mrs. Porter -- Julia promised to write -- they visited a few more shops and ran into a few more admirals, some of whom they had already encountered. Then they returned to Julia's house. Lady Pritchard was very pleased with her purchases and even Julia had made a few.
In the middle of doing all the small tasks that had to be done before she left again the next day, Julia was interrupted by the announced arrival of Gerald. "Bah," she uttered, not wanting to talk to him at all. She did not see what he could want, but in case he had come to apologise she had best see him for a few minutes.
He had been shown into the ivory sitting room and his colourful attire contrasted strongly with his surroundings. Julia considered it too colourful for a gentleman. "You wished to see me?" she asked coldly. Berating young gentlemen for their behaviour had better not become a habit now that she seemed to be doing it daily, because she did not enjoy it at all.
"You got married," he said again. "Who could want to marry you?"
"My husband did," Julia replied, folding her hands together so forcefully that it almost hurt. Politeness was not a very satisfactory response to insults.
"He needed your money. Why else would he marry? Or did he get you with child?" Gerald inquired mockingly.
That caused a sharp stab in her chest. If only he could have done that! Her brother mentioning it now made her sad. It was too late, but it would have been wonderful. If she had met her husband twenty-five years ago, they could have had a family. Julia touched her stomach.
"Lord, he did!" her brother exclaimed.
She opened her eyes wide. Why would he conclude that? Because she had her hand on her stomach? It rested a little more firmly there now. The weight gain of the past few weeks was no longer inexplicable if Gerald was somehow right -- which he could not be, because he was merely being insulting and provocative.
Mrs. Porter's urgent request that she consult a physician came back to her regardless. An appetite for two. A little memento. Now that the door was opened, a number of remarks that people had made came tumbling back into her mind. When had she married? The surgeon's potion would not have worked. Grandchild? Seasick in the park?
Not one of them had been direct. The conversations had appeared odd to her at times, but that was no wonder if they had been speaking at cross-purposes. She held her breath.
"Well, at least this time you will not be able to blame me for your child's death," Gerald commented with hints of reproach and self-pity.
"I never said you were to blame for that." Julia heard herself speak. She was not interested in the conversation; she wanted to explore this novelty. Her hand did not leave its position. Could she be feeling anything yet, if it were true? When had she married? Her arithmetic skills failed her promptly, as did her knowledge of the calendar. October and February, but she had no idea which months were in between.
"But for a lot else I was!"
"Oh, go away." She wanted to sit down, lie down and think. It all seemed so inconsequential now what Gerald had done. She could not muster up any anger or blame for it, not when she had a much more important question on her mind. "Go ruin yourself for all I care."
"Some of us like our pleasures," he retorted. "Not all of us are content to be eccentric recluses who deny themselves everything."
"Go and enjoy your pleasures," she said mildly. "And leave me to mine." Everything came in the summer. That was what she needed to think about, if only he would leave her alone.
"Your pleasures. Where is that new brother of mine?" Gerald looked around himself, as if a man was going to jump up from behind the sofa.
Julia hesitated, but she decided it could not do any harm to reveal her husband's whereabouts. "At sea."
"He cannot be too elderly then. Did he compromise you? Does he need to be thwacked?"
"You need to be thwacked yourself. Go away. You ought to have displayed such gallantry when you were five and thwacked Father. Go away." She had no idea why he now offered to stand up for his sister. It was probably the excitement in taking another man to task and not at all motivated by any sincerity of feeling.
"Five?" he repeated and then he sat down, lost in thought.
Julia was not pleased with such a delay. "Gerald, I said go away! You know everything now. Besides, your outfit is making me dizzy."
"Why should I have thwacked Father?"
"He sold me to the bidder with the highest title. But you would probably do the same, use your title to buy a girl with a fortune in that manner. Now go away." She wanted to contemplate her possible condition in peace. She needed solitude to make sense of it all and she could not analyse people's comments with this distraction here.
"What about your sailor? I can somehow not imagine you with a sailor. A sailor would be your complete opposite. They have a taste for pursuits and pleasures that you abhor. They are always off to see the world and you never stir beyond your own park. It cannot be consequence you received in exchange either."
"Well, Gerald --" Julia began, feeling lost. "I do not understand how you could have any opinion on opposites in character while at the same time all you care about is a bride with a large dowry, regardless of either of your characters. Squander your fortune, consort with actresses and still believe it will not matter to your bride as long as she gets to be a countess?"
"And you rebel against the ways of the world with a sailor?" he countered.
"Think of it what you will. Remember, you can only marry a fortune once. If it is gone, you will only be left with that wife. Given your lifestyle, the fortune cannot last long." She did not want to be drawn into giving marital advice at all. It was so useless.
"There are lasting pleasures to be had from the sailor?"
Julia winced at his lack of refinement. She gave no answer.
"The babe, of course," he said knowingly. "You will have that while he toils at sea. Oh, perhaps his new connections might see him promoted to something more respectable."
"Gerald, are you trying to insult me? If you, I must tell you that you are only succeeding in making yourself look stupid. Please take your prejudices elsewhere and leave me alone." The mention of the babe made her remember that she needed to be alone to examine herself.
"What is his rank?"
"Is one sailor not very much like another in your opinion?" she inquired. "You would not know the difference between a deckhand and an admiral."
"True," he admitted readily. "There is no need to, since the deckhand might well rise to be an admiral with no regard for birth or breeding."
"You may have the advantage of birth, but you have no breeding. Go away." She was beginning to feel vexed by the way he was stalling.
"And here I was thinking you were inclined to forgive me," he responded with a curious look.
"Perhaps I would have, if you had gone the moment I asked you to go!" Julia cried. She wondered if he had been waiting for the words. "Do you want to be forgiven? Fine, I forgive you. Go!"
"I do not find those words quite as satisfactory as I had assumed," he decided. "Sister, you may only be saying that to be rid of me. Will you be here tomorrow?"
"No, I travel back tomorrow after breakfast."
"I need a few hours to do justice to your revelations and advice," Gerald said. "Perhaps I shall be back to make more inquiries about your sailor and the way he got you into that state."
Julia felt her stomach again. How could her state be so obvious to him if it had not occurred to her before? She did not have to think of anything to say, because her brother bowed and left. She now dared to look down and pull her gown back tightly. It was perhaps wishful thinking. It was not enough to serve as evidence. She lay down on the sofa to think.
After Gerald's visit Julia's tasks were forgotten. She lay still on the sofa, wondering about her condition. Tentatively she accepted that Gerald might have been right.
There was not much in her situation that set her apart from Clementine. They both had a husband and while Clementine had surprised Julia by eating so many slices of cake, Julia had apparently surprised Mrs. Porter by eating two pastries and a half. The crucial differences were her age and her sickness.
Ladies in her circles would not quickly specify the causes of their ill health -- except Lady Pritchard, naturally -- and so there might well have been some who had suffered from sickness in private. Gerald had called his sister a recluse and perhaps he had been right, considering that she could not think of anyone else who would care to share such private details with her. Some would tell her they had had a child, but they certainly would not acquaint her with any of the particulars of the months before. Perhaps they had occasionally been unwell, but she would never have connected that to the arrival of a child months later.
As for her age, she was not terribly old and she looked even younger than that. Everybody had looked surprised upon hearing she was a grandmother. Mrs. Williamson had looked surprised to hear she was over forty. That comment had been made with the firm conviction that her brother's wife, even upon seeing her, was not at all around forty, but clearly younger.
It was not at all uncommon for other women her age to conceive, but it was often the last in a string of many, as with Mrs. Hogg in the village, who actually looked twice her age and who was still capable, now that Julia thought of it.
It was intriguing, to go from such blindness to being too perceptive. Still, she could not admit this turn in her thoughts openly. There was still some doubt and fear, for she might well be fooling herself with these fanciful notions. It was easy to misinterpret the facts. Who could say she had gone from the wrong to the right interpretation, as she had done with her husband? She might well have gone from good to bad.
Nobody should come out to tell her she was stupid because she was too old. She had best keep it from everybody until it became impossible to deny or ignore.
What would Julian and Clementine think? Even if they did not consider her very old, they might assume an older couple never engaged in the necessary activities. An older couple only sat by the window or strolled in the park. Julian had seen the admiral chase her, though, and he had seemed to understand why she had wished him away. But perhaps that had been her scandalous mind at work again.
She would not talk, Julia decided, but see whether people tried to draw information from her. That would be a sure sign. She would behave exactly as she had before, for eating and walking had worked extremely well to restore her health. If it had worked for her, she reasoned, it would work for her little boy. It had to be a boy. When life decided to be perfect it should not stop halfway!
John would not have hoped for anything. He had never mentioned children to her, which had perhaps been out of consideration rather than indifference or ignorance. He might have thought it insensitive to make inquiries, perhaps. Or he might well have been like her and believed they were past that stage. She could not write to him to say they were not, not until she knew for certain. It was difficult, for she wanted to tell him about it very much. He was the only one who deserved to be told.
He liked little Julia well enough not to mind becoming a father and she supposed that once someone had alerted him to the possibility, he might not easily be reconciled to not seeing it happen. She should not make him happy before she was absolutely certain she could.
She contemplated what he would do if he was told. Although she wished very much that she could write and have him travel home instantly, she knew that was selfish of her. It could not happen. There was nothing he could do for her, being on a ship. He could only do things for himself and she did not want him to neglect his duties because he was anxious or distracted. His time on board would not be made more bearable if she told him about her suspicions, assuming he would at some point be able to receive news. He should, however, hurry home as soon as he could.
Then he would come home and be thrilled. She did not doubt that. He would not say this upset all his plans to sit by the window with her. They would simply have to put three chairs there in that case.
This made her wonder when the happy event would occur, if it did. While she had been speaking to Gerald she had not been able to calculate how much time had passed between her marriage and the current date. Now she could and she added several days to that, although she had forgotten the exact date on which they had consummated the marriage. At the time she had preferred not to remember the precise date, since it only served to emphasise her wickedness. She had had no idea that something crucial might have occurred then. That was another good reason not to tell anybody, for they would surely wonder why her arithmetic skills were so bad.
She estimated that roughly four months had passed. She had been right about the summer, but who would come first? Would John find her fat and round, or would he find a little baby? Or even two, for there was Clementine's child as well. Considering that he had said before the end of the summer, he would probably be back somewhere in the middle of it. She should write and tell him he ought to strive for the beginning.
With him gone, she could not consult him about a name. Mrs. Williamson would know whether he was under any sort of tacitly understood obligation to name a child after somebody. She could discreetly make inquiries and quiz Mrs. Williamson about the names of her children.
The name was not the only matter she needed to consider. Daniel had been sent to a nurse during his first year, but since there was no domineering mother-in-law in this case, Julia did not think she had the heart to part with her child this time. Besides, if she nursed it herself she might at some point be able to wear that low-cut gown again. It was in retrospect very clear why it had become so tight and small. The realisation made her giggle. It was amusement as well as relief -- she was not indecent and she was nobody's servant.
Matters like a cot and clothes did not bother her very much yet. She could buy anything under the guise of buying it for Clementine's child, after all. Julian supplied her generously with money whenever she asked for some and he never cared when or how it was spent.
Julia smiled.
Lady Pritchard and Evelina probably assumed that Julia was as thrilled with her purchases as they were. In a sense they were correct, since she had bought some things for Clementine's unborn child that she now believed might just as well do for her own. Clementine would never know and Julia assuaged her own feelings of selfishness by thinking Clementine's baby would still receive its share, since this new development would only cause her to buy more fabrics and trinkets and they would probably end up with having enough for ten babies.
She wondered how she could continue to justify her high spirits to them, if they wondered at all. At some point she must stop being excited over advantageously-priced pieces of fabric and baby toys.
And she must not give herself away as she had done to Gerald -- she must not feel her stomach in company and she must wear a loosely-draped shawl to obscure any odd shape.
She had a perfect excuse for any absentmindedness too, she found. At dinner she had ordered herself not to think of babies and she had begun to think of Gerald instead. She had not yet wondered why he had come, caught up as she had been in thinking about what he had said. But of course he had not come to say that at all. He did not even know he had been useful.
"Is anything on your mind?" Lady Pritchard asked.
"Oh. Yes, yes. My brother. He called earlier."
"Is he not an earl?" Her eyes brightened with interest.
"I prefer to think of him as an --" Julia began, wanting to deflect her neighbour's thoughts away from seeing Gerald as an eligible bachelor, but then she felt that in her current mood she had best show him some gratitude and not resentment. "But you are correct. He is an earl."
"You do not see him often."
"I saw him by accident today. He and I move in different circles." He was also ten years her junior and she had never seen much of him until he was grown up. "But, since everybody who knows me was apparently in that street today, he had to be there as well."
"Oh." Lady Pritchard looked slightly disappointed to have missed an encounter with the earl twice. "Was it when you were in the pastry shop?"
"Yes and do not be sorry. He had all sorts of unsuitable women with him." There, she had done it regardless of her determination to be grateful for his rudeness. What was family loyalty?
"And he called later to explain himself," Lady Pritchard said with a nod. "That is much like after the time we found William at his lodgings when we visited him at university." She gave Evelina a concerned glance.
"I know it all, Mama," Evelina assured her. "He told me. Drinking and cards. He was quite put out that Papa decimated his allowance, since no girls had been involved and he would only understand a decimation of his allowance if there had been girls."
"Well!" Lady Pritchard looked baffled at the stupidity of her son. "I take it he also asked you to beg on his behalf?"
"Yes, but I did not do so."
"I wish I had only had daughters." Unfortunately after William and Evelina the next two were also boys.
Julia looked a little alarmed, for she had been wishing for a son. Perhaps she should wish for a daughter, with all these examples of boys going astray. She had yet to hear of a girl taking to drinking and gambling and setting up men under her protection.
"I do love him," Lady Pritchard said, responding to her look. "But I wish boys had a little less curiosity about the world."
Before going to sleep, Julia had begun to compose a letter to Mrs. Williamson. The introductory greetings and inquiries were easy, but then she reached the difficult part. Without letting the admiral's sister know that she might be expecting a child, she had to find out if there was any name she was expected to give to a child of his.
I was making a family tree of my family for you. Drawing it seemed somehow
easier than explaining the exact relationships. Then it occurred to me that it
might be an easy way to remember your family as well. Would you do me the
pleasure of acquainting me with the names of your close relatives or perhaps
draw a tree? I hope none of your relatives are Julias or Julians, because as
you see we already abound in them. Were you under any obligation to name your
children after anyone? Julia was named after me, but that was by choice.
She thought that was not too transparent. It would not tell Mrs. Williamson that she was looking for information at all. Of course, if Mrs. Williamson did not understand, Julia had wasted her chance to ask unobtrusively. She winced at how odd she must seem, drawing family trees.
She ought to be able to wait. Perhaps in two more months everything would be all too clear. Two months. She could not wait for such a long time.
It led her to think about something else. What if in two months everything turned out to be wrong and she was not expecting a child at all? She had just decided she was not too old. If it had not worked this time, it might work next time, but for that she required her husband. If there was anything he could do, he must. It was late and she ought to go to bed, but she wrote one more letter.
Perhaps it was too desperate in tone if she did nothing to but beg him to come home without saying why -- she could hardly go into detail as to what he needed to do -- so she added that she loved him very much. It ended up being as strange a letter as the one to his sister, but she was too tired to change either of them.
As she undressed, she watched Hilary closely to see if her maid noticed anything, but either Hilary's training in discretion had been very good, or she truly did not see anything. Julia, after a sly glance in the mirror, did not see very much herself either. Nothing had changed in a day and perhaps it would only have been obvious if she had gone away alone for a whole week.
Hilary had said nothing about the low-cut gown either, which was a little odd given how indecent it had looked. Julia was too desperate for confirmation to leave the matter alone. "Hilary..."
"Yes, My Lady?"
"Do you not think my nightgown stretches too much over my chest?" Julia coloured a little.
Hilary gave her mistress' bosom a glance, but merely out of obedience and not curiosity. "I am having another one altered with buttons in front."
Chapter Thirty-Six
"Buttons." Julia needed a while to see why buttons were required or how they could improve anything. She was tempted to think it was even less encouraging to have buttons pop off at the first deep sigh.
"With a sort of flap."
"A flap. Like a gentleman's trousers, but then up here?" Julia placed her hand there and imagined it. It was shocking and she blushed. "But Hilary, if I wished for anything to flap open or out, I might just as well wear that one gown."
"You might find it useful at some point," said Hilary with discreet tact. "I would not have had to do this if Her Grace had not needed her own again. She will make use of them. I thought you might need some too, although I did not tell anybody."
Julia gave her a dubious glance. "I suppose I ought to know what you are talking about, but I confess I am entirely in the dark."
Hilary returned an equally doubtful glance. She hesitated a moment before she spoke. "Are you not aware of your condition, My Lady?"
Julia kept her voice even. She could be embarrassed that all these people had known before her or she could think that the more people thought so, the more likely it was to be true. "How can you be aware of my condition and why did you not inform me of it?"
"I ... I thought you knew, but that you were not yet ready to say so. I have not known for long, since I did not go to sea with you and you have not been back for long." Hilary looked anxious.
"Someone alerted me to the possibility a few hours ago," Julia said, breaking into a cautious smile. "But if you start making flaps in gowns I suppose it really is more than a possibility, although I still fail to see what a flap is for."
"Oh." Hilary looked uncomfortable at having to explain. "Did you not nurse before? Perhaps you do not mean to now and I have already cut away the bosom of your other nightgown."
"Nurse!" Julia exclaimed, imagining the flap falling away. It was a very clever invention. "Ingenious. That had not occurred to me. I have no experience with nursing."
"But might I be so impertinent as to inquire what happened to your first son?"
"He was sent away by his grandmother. I did not have any say in the matter. I do now." And she was not going to do the same. She was going to keep the child with her. Imagine the admiral coming home and being told he had a child that had been sent out! Impossible.
"So I may proceed with the alterations?" Hilary was relieved.
"Yes. But do inform me of all those clever inventions. You might as well completely disregard my past and consider me clueless. Can we keep this a secret?"
Gerald called again before breakfast. Julia did not know he could keep such early hours. It was good that he did, for now she could keep him away from the Pritchards and especially Lady Pritchard might be interested in making his acquaintance.
He was wearing something less colourful this morning, but that was probably a coincidence. "Good morning," he said very politely. "I had the feeling we were not yet finished."
They would very likely never part with satisfaction on both sides, Julia thought, but she did not say so. "Do you still want to know whom I married?"
"What is his rank? I looked up ranks."
She wondered what the purpose of that action had been. "Are there any ranks you would not consider speaking to?"
"I have never encountered a sailor in my life, so I ordered to be driven through the district this morning and I observed them. Goodness sister, what have you done?" He spoke as if she was now a beggar in dirty rags.
Julia clasped her hands behind her back and she paced the room with an air of superiority. Nothing had changed in her appearance. This morning she had observed in the mirror how extremely well she looked. The advantage was all on her side today, in both appearance and mind.
She did not know of which district he was speaking, but she deduced he had seen sailors somewhere, those of the lowest kind, but he ought to be wiser than to think those were the ones who could command a ship or fleet. "I should like to point out that the particular street in which you encountered me yesterday was full of admirals of the Navy. That you have never encountered a sailor in your life is therefore untrue. That you did not recognise them as such would perhaps indicate that your image of them is incorrect, prejudiced and stupid."
"And how, might I ask, did you know they were admirals?"
The truth was surprisingly simple. "They were introduced to me once."
"When your husband was being flogged for compromising you?"
She stopped her pacing for a second. "Gerald, you are as stupid as you are insensitive. Nobody was flogged because nobody was compromised."
He gave a shrug. "I am trying to imagine how you could throw your life away on a sailor. I had thought you had at least enough discernment not to have done so willingly."
"Is this," she gestured disbelievingly, "a new sort of pastime for you, vexing your sister with rude comments? How could you possibly prefer for me to have been violated? You would rather have your sister violated and forced into marriage than have her stoop so low as to choose a sailor. I had not known you were so despicable." She was not easily offended, but there was no harm in letting him know she might be.
Her contemptuous comment seemed to shock Gerald. "Er..."
"Perhaps you had best leave the house," she suggested. "And leave me to my breakfast."
"But I did not mean it quite like that," he protested.
"Of course you did. You are stupid, selfish and insensitive." She could turn the tables and bait him. She would not be tricked into indiscretion.
"I had not realised what I was saying."
"Perhaps you ought to think before you speak. Have you come here to be rude or have you come here to converse with me in a sensible manner?" He might as well be thirty years her junior and not ten, Julia thought.
"I came here to converse with you in a sensible manner, although you probably do not think I am capable."
"Well!" she uttered. "Your behaviour so far has indeed not given me any indication of that ability. You came in here and proceeded to insult my discernment, without even knowing whom I married."
Gerald seemed to take a moment to brace himself and then he spoke. "You left us at such an early age that we hardly knew you. Our sisters were disappointed at the lack of attention you showed them after your marriage and they believed you were glad to be away. Father did not manage to find them anyone as eligible as your duke and in fact I believe he too had hoped for more connections through your marriage."
"Chess does not work well with live humans," Julia observed with sarcasm. "Am I to defend myself for having been considered everybody's pawn?" She had been offered in exchange for connections, but everybody had had different rules and after the move the rules on the other side of the board had changed.
"Before you, in your anger towards me for having introduced Daniel to the wrong people, disclosed certain facts to me about your husband..." Gerald coughed.
Julia had no recollection of those facts or of disclosing them. "Such as?" she demanded.
"Not literally, but I took some of your words to mean that you did not want him to be like his father and I concluded you had not been as proud of your fate as our sisters constantly make you out to be. It made no impression whatsoever on me at the time," Gerald candidly continued in the same breath. "But apparently I did not forget it and I concluded this later."
"Amazing."
"I suppose you would have every reason to strike back, but all the guilty parties are long dead, so I fail to see what you are trying to accomplish by marrying a sailor."
"That is again amazing, but for a different reason," Julia said slowly. "I thought you were beginning to display a little sense, but perhaps I was wrong."
No self-respecting earl enjoyed hearing he was not displaying enough sense when he believed the opposite, so he gave her an indignant glare. "Where did I lack sense? I beg to be told."
"Where did you not?" she retorted. "I might have married the sailor for other reasons than trying to strike back." She deliberately refrained from mentioning the sailor's rank. That was for later.
Gerald let out a quivering giggle. "Love? Do you love your sailor?"
"Is there any sense in talking to you, Gerald?" Julia asked with all the authority of an elder sister. "It might do you good to love someone other than yourself for a change."
"I had never guessed you would come to love a sailor. Every feeling revolts."
"Feeling? You have feelings? Really, I think you ought to abandon the notion that my husband is like those men you saw this morning. I do not know what you saw, but your disgust does not bode well for them." She might have the same feelings if she saw them.
"I cannot make sense of it."
"No, because you only care about yourself," she shot back. "And I have not had one sincere word from you. It was all provocation and stupidity. You are extremely fortunate that I am in a good mood. Is there something you wish to ask me? Are you interested in my life or are you dissatisfied with your own, as you ought to be?"
"Well..." He looked evasive. "I might be a little bored."
Julia knew a good solution. "Change your ways. Marry a good girl. Of good character, not wealth. Start a family."
"I am also bored with that advice."
"Go to sea then." Julia shrugged. "I have connections now. You need only ask."
Gerald was aghast. "To sea. You cannot mean that seriously."
"I do not. You would be useless." They would again part ways without feeling satisfied by their conversation, Julia felt, but that was entirely Gerald's fault. If he led a life without direction, he could not direct any conversation either. It was impossible to converse with him rationally and he was very fortunate that her mood could not be spoilt, not even by his attitude. "Well, other than advise you to follow my good example, there is nothing else I can do for you."
"I would have to meet your sailor before I could agree."
"You would consent to meet this rough, unrefined, burly man who hangs about in obscure taverns drinking and fighting all day, with Julia tattooed on his arm?" Julia enjoyed her wickedness.
Gerald gulped. Apparently he had seen enough men who corresponded to such a description that morning to believe her instantly. "If he is safe to meet."
"You had best not insult me too much in his presence, but if you treat me with all the respect I deserve he will be as meek as a lamb."
© 2005, 2006 Copyright held by the author.