Beginning, Section II
Part Nine - In Which Caroline Is Back In Town & Takes Up Researching
Posted on 2013-01-29
May 17th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Wonder if one would count Queen Anne Boleyn as great? Librarian tells me she was a witch & adulteress but then on the other hand she was the mother of Queen Elizabeth.
May 18th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
I suppose Katharine of Aragon would not count either, being Catholic & foreign. Really must find out more.
Have not seen L at all lately. Must confess am slightly worried about her in spite of her abysmal behaviour towards self & her incident. Wonder if I should tell anyone but then there is question of whom. Could tell D I suppose but then he already helped so much with C (of course he was as much at fault there as me) & also do not want to rely on him constantly.
Could definitely not tell the PG who keeps avoiding me anyway, not that I care.
May 21st:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Have decided Queen Eleanor counts in spite of being French because Aquitaine then became English territory. Biographical tome went on & on about her husband & her sons but must say think Eleanor most interesting of them all. Found book about the early Plantagenets in Uncle Algie's library & there was quite a bit about Queen Eleanor & I think she is the greatest of the family. After all what did Richard the Lionheart and John Lackland ever achieve but losing lands & life?
Still have not heard from the PG but is not as if I cared about him. After all there were no promises exchanged & alleyway incident went completely unobserved so is not as if he were in any way obliged to me. Though I suppose a true gentleman would call on a lady after such an incident.
May 22nd:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Maybe he does not think me a lady? Maybe he thought this is the sort of thing I do with lots of gentlemen? Not that he is a gentleman obviously if he keeps avoiding me.
Called on G today & told her about lack of success in finding Great Women. G said she vaguely recalled a Queen called Matilda but could not remember from when or where. Name rang a bell for me as well but could not say where I had heard it. Think it must have been somewhere recent. G promised she would ask her brother, who was out.
Think I left my reticule at G's. Must send her a note tomorrow.
May 23rd:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda?
D is going to kill me. First volume of The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia was in my reticule & from G's note, it appears that it fell out when she picked it up & she began reading it. And I specifically promised him I would not let her read it. Hope she does not mention it to him. Should probably talk to her.
May 24th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
G promised to keep mum about The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia if I lent her the other ones once she had finished the first. Agreed because there was little else I could do.
G then gave me several sheets of writing paper from her brother; was an essay he had written at Cambridge about Queen Matilda & additional notes from him on where to find out more. Must say D most fastidious writer ever especially compared to things C wrote at Cambridge.
C much better these days. D takes him boxing or riding most mornings & the exercise seems to agree with him.
May 25th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
D really has most interesting points in his essay. Must ask him if he has other essays on historical figures of interest. G says better not ask him or he will not stop talking about them.
G showed me how she was hiding The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia in hollowed-out covers of The Lady's Guide to Genteel Behaviour. Was most shocked both at practicality of idea (wish I had thought of something like that when living with uncle Tiberius) & because I would never have expected it of G. G said she could not take credit for this as it was idea of her cousin Anne. Very surprising. Always thought that girl was sickly & insipid.
May 27th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
G tells me D most happy at my request. Says she has not seen him so happy since before Easter & he will let me have essays as soon as he has made compilation of most suitable ones for my research. G warned me essays probably very clever & learned as her brother never does things by halves & always most dedicated in his learning.
G then wanted to talk about The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia. Is absolutely convinced that Athalia cannot escape Lord Burkhead's schemes in the end but I told her to read next book & promised Athalia would not die or be seduced.
G asked me if I thought that Count Haubenstein had any similarities to her cousin the P.G.
Could not really say as I am not thinking about him any more. Did not want to ask G if he was in London.
May 29th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
He has been thinking of me after all! (Not that I care about that one way or another, obviously.) G showed me letter today in which he said he missed London, most of all the friends with whom he could visit Parliament & dreary locales to drink absinthe (vile stuff!). G says distance must make him romanticise things because he never visits Parliament. Close of the letter said that he gave his warmest regards to Miss Bingley & her family. G says he is somewhere in the country but she has no idea where or why.
D gave me interesting essay about sainthood & learning in early medieval England which made mention of St Hilda of Whitby & said he would try to find all he had researched about her.
Is v. refreshing to see woman who has become Great Woman not just because of whose wife or daughter she was but because of her own merits & wisdom. (Suppose Queen Elizabeth must also fall under that category because while she was the daughter of a king she had enough greatness of her own.)
May 31st:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
So he thinks of me as a friend. I wonder if he really means it that way?
Wanted to visit L today but she was not at home, at least to me.
Miss her so much. Would like to talk things through again with her as we used to do.
Went to visit G who can scarcely talk of anything else but The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia & is still convinced that Count Haubenstein is just like the PG. Could not talk about the matter with her because he is her cousin.
June 1st:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Had long letter from A in which she said she always thought Queen Catherine Parr remarkably clever & shrewd woman at least until she fell in love. V. interesting information about Queen Catherine in her letter but wonder what the morale of that tale is.
June 2nd:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
D sent essay a friend of his wrote about Elizabeth Wydeville & her daughters. V. strong women I am sure but in the end all that mattered was who married whom. Rather depressing idea.
Obviously one would want to get married but surely one would prefer to be married for oneself & not for some crown or alliance.
June 4th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn
Had tea with G. G still convinced that the count is just exactly like the PG. Thinks his silent & intimidating valet whom Athalia fears is based on D. Told her I thought she was too occupied with these matters but she only said not to worry & could I let her have volume III?
Close call on that because just as I got it out of my reticule, having anticipated her request, D himself came into the room. Managed to slip book under a cushion just in time. Felt slightly bad about deceiving him, esp. seeing as he had brought me essay a friend of his had written about espionage under Charles II, which made mention of Aphra Behn, most interesting character and most certainly nobody's dependant. D said she also wrote novels & poetry & took interest in issues but he could not recommend reading her poetry as not at all suitable for unmarried ladies as he put it. (sounds fascinating!)
Wonder why D is always so censorious, just like Robberbothom the valet.
Oh no. What is G doing to me?
June 6th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn
L was here while I was out & did not even leave a message. Housekeeper says she only staid for a v. short time & only to look for something in the attic. V. odd. L never enters the attic because of the spiders. Did not bring my money either. Shall have to send her note asking for it. Really do not want to ask uncle Tiberius for advance on allowance, he always gets so preachy.
June 8th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn
Saw C today at breakfast. Used this rare incident to ask him if he knew if uncle Algie had poetry of Aphra Behn in his library. C did not know & said he had to go see a man about a dog or some such thing. Will have to resume search.
June 9th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn
G says the passage where Sir Vincent makes fun of Count Haubenstein because the count refuses to marry the immensely rich Madame Valentine (who was of course really Lord Paddenstool in disguise, but neither Athalia nor Sir Vincent knew at the time) happened just like so with the PG & his father. Says the PG told the Earl that he was not going to marry a sheep-eyed girl with nothing but vapours in her head for all the riches of Mithridates because he could not possible respect her & pointed out that the Count uses the exact same words.
Most curious.
June 10th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn
Suppose that would change a couple of things, if he were looking for respect and equality in a marriage partner, but what if he thinks I'm having a head full of vapours? When he first met me I was still trying to marry D (horrid thought) & I must have been such an idiot what with the burning carpet & the rat poison & the orange dresses & the stupid feathers and …
Wait what am I saying here, this is not what I meant and …
Must take walk.
Part Ten - In Which Caroline Is In Town & Comes To A Shocking Realisation
Posted on 2013-02-05
June 12th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn
Am officially the greatest fool ever.
How could I have been so blind again?
Of course I love him & I don't want him to be my friend but want to marry him & have wanted it ever since he took me to the Commons & I just didn't realise & now it's too late because he's gone & won't come back & I don't even want to eat scones anymore & of course he's like Count Haubenstein because he probably wrote that book & that is why he knows what's going to happen & what on earth am I supposed to do now.
June 13th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn
Gravity. That is what Newton is famous for & I suppose everyone but me learnt that when they were a child.
June 14th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn
Very curious incident today. Had a package delivered which apparently had been sent somewhere else first & was re-directed. Did not go through the postal services because I did not have to pay for it so who knows how it reached me. Was from a book-dealer in Bath & contained a volume on the Romans in Britain.
Must have been L who had it sent probably to make up for not giving me my money back but why did she not just send the money & why did she order in Bath?
Still no word from him but then why should I hear from him? Is not as if he could write to me & he is still out of town. Not that I would hear from him if he were in town, probably. Is not as if he were in any way beholden to me. Or I to him, come to think of it, which I suppose must count for something.
June 15th:
Greatest Women in English History:
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn
Queen Boadicea
Book cannot have been sent by L. Found note slipped between the pages of a chapter dealing with a Celtish queen called Boadicea (it appears she is the tenth Great Woman) which said, You will always be quite your own woman to me and forever my heart's Boadicea. Paul.
Bookseller probably made mistake. Wonder if I should send book back? Seems to be v. interesting though & would like to finish it.
June 17th:
But it did have my name on it & address, if misspelled.
Would be nice to hear from him if only to know where he is & what he is doing. Wish I could ask someone. Or just talk to someone. If only L were behaving more like herself. Ended up writing to A & telling her of emotional turmoil. Is not the same as talking to her in person but then on the other hand will be spared her looks of pity when she finds out how stupid I was & how hopeless the whole thing is seeing as how he thinks of me only as a friend. Not that I can blame him for he must think I am horribly stupid, not even knowing about gravity & Newton not to mention that I almost burnt down Darcy's house with rat poison.
June 18th:
Went to see G but did not dare mention the mysterious book so ended up talking about Newton. Am still rather fascinated by the whole concept of gravity. Wonder why it never occurred to me to think about it.
G still going on about her cousin & Count Haubenstein. Almost told her that I thought he had written the books but then did not want to mention his name for fear of giving things away. Also wonder if he did write those books why did he not make Haubenstein the hero?
Also will thinking of him ever hurt any less?
June 20th:
If it was not L sending the book that means she's still not paying me back & if I do not get my money soon I really shall have to beg uncle Tiberius for an advance & I really do not want to do that.
Last summer he threatened if there was one more bill for orange frocks he would send me to convent in France & I do not think he will be any nicer about bills from bookseller.
Still no word from him. Wonder if I shall ever gather the courage to ask G about him without telling her everything at once.
June 22nd:
There was another book in the mail today & this time it was definitely not from L. Was Philosophiae Naturalis Principalis Mathematica. Do not understand a single word (NB: really should learn Latin) but it is very beautiful. Note inside it said, Bodies attract each other with a force inversely proportional to the distance between them, but I have been missing you a little more every day ever since I last saw you. Paul.
Would be perfect if only I knew who Paul was.
June 23rd:
D has found out about G reading The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia. Apparently, G fell asleep in her drawing-room with the open book in her hands & D found her.
Thought D would be enraged & G tells me she was also rather afraid he would be angry but D only told her to remember that it was just a novel & not true to real life. Came there later that day & D took me aside & thanked me for being such a good friend to G. Must say feel rather flattered that he thinks so esp. considering how mean I was to G last year although am not sure he noticed that then.
G & D invited C & me to Pemberley in August. Cannot believe am really going to see it although slightly mortifying to remember that I once wanted to become its mistress. Wonder if he is going to be there.
Also when we planned trip to Pemberley last summer before G fell ill L & her brainless husband were going to come with us but have to accept that she does not want to have anything to do with me any more. Still hurts though.
June 24th:
Slim volume of poetry by Christopher Marlowe; was a sort of short epic poem called Hero & Leander. Note said, Had I first seen you sacrificing turtle's blood, I could not have been more enchanted by you. Paul..
June 25th:
Will not deny that I have been fantasising that he is Paul, but one must be a realist. Odds do not seem very high to me for one to have the luck to be beloved by the man one loves and what are the chances that his name actually is Paul?
Had a long letter from A, much kinder than I deserve. Said she felt my pain & asked did I think it would hurt me more to know that I had had his love but had lost it, or to continue in an uncertainty where I could keep illusions. No idea what to answer esp. as I think A wants to hear something uplifting even if she does not say so, only do not know what she would like to hear.
June 26th:
Could of course ask G what her cousin's first name is but what would I do if she said it was Richard, or John, or Hugo, or, Heaven forbid, Mortimer?
Not to mention that I would not know how to breach the subject without her knowing what I really want.
Wonder if Paul thinks I know who he is, or if he knows he is a mystery to me. Does he expect me to react? Has he been certain all the time that I would know who he was, only I don't, and been waiting for a reply from me? Would not know how to reply to him even if I knew what to say but maybe there is something obvious that I am overlooking & he thinks I know & some way or other I could have contacted him. Only I would only want to do that if it was him & I have no way of knowing if he his him because I am just completely clueless.
Could also of course be that books were never meant for me in the first place but that bookseller in Bath made a mistake. After all there must be more than one woman in London who would rather have books than some stupid flowers that only make her sneeze & there never was my name on any of the notes, just on the package & who knows who wrote that.
June 27th:
If he really were coming to Pemberley & I saw him there I might see how he feels from the way he looks at me & also if he is Paul or not. Could also ask his valet what his first name is but most likely would only receive another curl of hair of mysterious origins so shall only do that if absolutely desperate.
But then do not even know for certain if he is going to be at Pemberley & what to do in the meantime about Paul & everything.
Courtship must be so much easier on men. At least they can decide when they want to take action & do not have to wait until something happens & then must make decisions based on insufficient number of facts that could decide about the rest of their lives.
June 28th:
Feel all sorts of restless & uninspired. If only there was something I could actually do but all scenarios I could think of involved telling G about my quandary or, even worse, D.
Felt horribly closed up in the house & ended up walking around with abigail not really having any idea where to go. Did not even feel in the mood for having a cupcake at Mrs Miggins' which is all for the better since I must be economical until uncle Tiberius sees fit to send my allowance even though it was due on the 24th, L having still not paid me back. And she so promised I should have it long before Midsummer Day.
No wonder C took up poetry & absinthe after that whole disappointment with Jane. Almost feel like taking to absinthe as well & I have not yet had my heart actually broken, not that it sometimes does not feel like it. Now that I know how he is feeling, at least a little, feel even worse about what we did to him.
June 29th:
It is not pretty any more, how much I miss him - why is someone at the door so late at night? Cannot be Charles having forgot his key again because he is at home. Maybe Paul has taken to visit in person because he got no reply - surely cannot be him, why would he call so late -
Part Eleven - In Which Caroline Prepares To Leave London & Enter A Convent
Posted on 2013-02-12
June 30th:
Still cannot quite comprehend it.
Louisa & her husband in Marshalsea with abhorrent debts that were due this quarter day & when they could not pay their creditors had them arrested.
And worse!
Louisa having a gambling problem running a gambling den in our parents' house. (D says she must be the worst and most hapless proprietor of an illegal gambling house ever because they normally make money & do not lose it!)
Still cannot believe it. My sister. Painted as if she were walking the streets, running an établissement. Selling half our parents' heirlooms to her "guests" for money. Do not even want to think about what happened to missing items. Hope the ones that were returned where thoroughly laundered. Do not know whether to rush to her side & pity her or strangle her. How could she?
D says I should not be too angry with her & that sometimes esp. on weak minds gambling can work like alcohol.
Come to think of it wonder how D found out about the whole thing even before me & C but forgot to ask him last night when he came & told us because I was just too overwhelmed by what happened.
July 1st:
D & C spent all morning holed up with lawyers discussing "options." Looks like it will be best solution to sell our parents' house but lawyers not sure how that can be achieved because until I turn 21 part of it is held in trust for me & uncle Tiberius my only guardian after death of uncle Algie & he would never agree to sale. Asked C what about our father's money that he left to him but apparently that is also in uncle Tiberius' trust until I come of age, for whatever reason that may be. Also really hope uncle Tiberius never finds out about whole matter because if he does will probably make good on his threat to send me to a convent & will never let me see L or C or London or even England again.
Asked D was there anything I could do but he said there wasn't. Could not stand the tension anymore so decided to visit G. D kept telling me how I must not tell her anything about L because the fewer people who know the better & he & C have been spreading the rumour that L & H have gone up to Scarboro' to visit auntie Margaret & Mr Watson.
Ended up listening mostly to G talking about possibility that Captain van Swanck is really Sir Vincent's brother & did I think that Lord Paddenstool had killed the real Madame Valentine? Thought I would not be able to get into the spirit of the discussion but was nice not to think about L in gaol for a change & think G has it all wrong but could not tell her because she is not yet at the passage where it is revealed that Lord Paddenstool's twin brother Hans was really behind the blackmail of Sir Vincent & Lord Burkhead.
July 3rd:
Was finally able to see L. D arranged everything & even had his aunt's carriage deliver me so if someone saw me I would be above reproof with an Earl's coat of arms on it. Marshalsea rather horrible altogether. L very dejected & so miserable could hardly be angry with her anymore. Tried to abuse H but L said everything her fault & H only trying to protect her & did not steal my unmentionables. L says whole purpose of trip to Somerset was to get back money Sir W had lost to her this spring but smug Sir W refusing to pay & then was blackmailing L first with illegal gambling den & then with L's incident which was only an attempt to get money back. L says smug Sir W's debts substantial enough that house may be saved but she has no idea how to get the money because there is not enough written proof & gambling den was illegal so magistrate must never find out.
Said I could write to A & explain everything but L said A does not know about the debt or the blackmail & smug Sir W would never listen to her anyway.
Only good thing is that I was not deceived in A's character but now feel dreadful for her because if L ever gets back her money it will probably come out of A's dowry & also seems to me that A would want to know what her family is up to but am not sure if I should be the one to tell her.
L kept apologising for everything she had done to me & was most pitiable, crying & everything. Did not quite know what to say other than that all was forgiven & would visit again soon.
July 5th:
C & I quite determined we will not accept D's very generous offer. Realise he only means well but absolutely cannot have him pay L's debts esp. seeing as have no hope of paying him back for at least 18 months if not more.
C suggested looking into H's fortunes but apparently the bulk of it went into renovating the house & the rest is all but spent by L. No relatives there either who could help out.
C wanted to sell his house but apparently uncle Algie left it to C in trust for his sons. Always knew the man had a mean streak.
Felt so helpless because my dowry or my share of the house might just be enough to help L but am just not able to touch it unless I tell uncle Tiberius all & everybody is agreed that is not an option.
Went to see L at Marshalsea to give her bad news. L rather dejected but at least has made friends there. Not sure what I think of Mrs Younge but Threepenny-Moll seems friendly enough.
July 7th:
C went to see Mr H while I was with L. Would have liked to hear what H had to say for himself because am not yet convinced was not his fault after all. C said he would not have me visit the men's rooms. Suppose he is probably right. Was reminded though of how he got me smuggled into Parliament just because I wanted to see it.
Must say though is remarkable effect the crisis is having on C. He is almost his old self again. Hope he is really feeling better & not just pretending for us. Is rather heartening to see him take action instead of just moping.
July 8th:
C&D were having yet another meeting with the lawyers & then came to tell me. Seems that while they have no proof that smug Sir W owes L all the money, there are some letters of such a nature (D refused to go into details) that they think Mr H might be able to obtain a divorce with them. C now on his way to Marshalsea to ask H about his intentions.
Poor L. I always said I would support her in case of a separation but is quite another thing to be divorced while in prison for something that is not even true.
July 8th, later:
C returned from the visit to H with the rather surprising news that H flatly denied any desire to be divorced even when C assured him we would not fight him in order to minimise the scandal. C said he sounded almost injured at the suggestion of it. Never would have thought him capable of such loyalty but must say it rather cheered me up.
To think that I tried to poison him at Christmas - what was I thinking? Suppose I had succeeded then I would be in prison now & no chance of me ever leaving it other than on the gallows. How stupid was I? And he actually loves L so that was … really do not know what I was thinking then. If I even was thinking then. Seems to me I was really thoughtless back then. Good thing I have become wiser now. A very little at least. Even if still not wise enough to actually find a solution to any of our problems. At least have not tried to murder anyone lately. That must count as progress.
D sat with me for most of the time while I was waiting for C to return. Told him I felt I had grown so old & exhausted over the last weeks. (Without mentioning refraining from murder; feel that would not come over well. Can never tell anyone about that.) D just laughed & told me to wait until I was his age & then we would talk. Suppose he is right but why must he make me feel like a child? He never did that even though I think he is even older than D.
July 10th:
L very dejected today because Mrs Younge has left; do not know the details but somehow Mrs Younge came into enough money to return to her boarding-house in Southwark. Must be criminal dealings probably but then it feels like all of L's new friends have them. Told D about this but all he was interested in was Mrs Younge's address in Southwark. Advised him not to stay there because if her clothes and fingernails are anything to go by, Mrs Younge does not believe in washing things. Ever.
Wish a friend with criminal dealings would pay for L & H to be released but it seems we are the only family in the world who does not have those.
July 12th:
Lawyers still unable to come up with any workable solution. If they have not made progress by the end of the month, I am resolved to write to uncle Tiberius and beg for my money even if it means cloisters for me until I am twenty-one. If they allow one to leave. Not sure. Should probably find out about that before I take the veil.
July 14th:
Still no word from the lawyers. I guess that means that now I will never see Pemberley. Wonder what sort of clothes one needs in a convent.
July 15th:
And I will probably never see him again either. Would have liked to say goodbye at least & tell him how much his company meant to me & especially that he always listened to what I had to say & took me out to see things.
Introduced the matter of convents into conversation with G & she said she read in a book once they shear off your hair when you enter. Suppose that once everything is covered by a wimple it does not really matter but cannot say I am looking forward to it.
Was very downcast for the rest of the day but could not tell G why so instead claimed a headache and went home.
I will miss him so much.
July 17th:
Went to see G & she was all excited to show me a list she had made of all people who could know about her cousin's discussion with his father & therefore would be able to write the scene in The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia.
First person on the list was 'Cousin Paul.'
Thought I should die.
Was not able to contribute much to the conversation but nod encouragingly at G's theories that one of the twelve people on her list must be the author. G should realise that she can probably exclude herself because she would know if she had written it & her brother, because he would never write a novel.
Went home with head still all dizzy but that might also have been the heat.
Abigail says she will have to take in the waists again on the gowns I just ordered. Had not the heart to tell her it will hardly matter since in a convent they make you wear large black bags like my mourning gown and then shear off your hair and cover your head with a monstrous wimple. Tried to make myself eat muffins but almost choked on them.
What am I going to do now?
July 19th:
Stayed home all day yesterday & locked myself into my room to think about things.
So his name is Paul. That does not mean he is the Paul who sent me those books. And even if he were I never answered so whoever Paul is probably has given up now because I have not had a book sent ever since L went to prison. Or maybe he found out that L is in prison (from D probably, old tattle-tale!) & now does not want anything to do with me anymore. Surely he would have contacted me before if he wanted to see me again.
Just feel as if I knew nothing anymore. How can I know if he is Paul? (Apart from that obviously that is his name.) What am I supposed to do?
How do people know what they are supposed to do in situations? Who tells them?
Every thing just turns in my head. How I miss him. How I need to help L. How I do not want to lose L. Or him. How I wish that there was anything I could do for myself instead of waiting until others have decided. Is this what it means to be grown up?
July 20th:
Still nothing new from the lawyers. L holding up as well as can be expected. Am beginning to draft letter to uncle Tiberius. At least that is something I can decide for myself. Is my money & my life & I should get some say in it even if it means he will send me to a convent. In that case at least I decided that I would risk that & did not let someone else decide. May not be much but at least when I'm locked behind those gates I will know that I chose it.
July 22nd:
Still nothing new. Is good thing at least I learnt French this year because is probably what they speak in French convents.
Was at G's again. She has narrowed list down to five persons, not sure how, but it seems to keep her occupied which seems all for the best because D out all day doing things for us (not sure how we shall ever thank him) & not able to spend much time with her.
July 23rd:
Have finished letter to uncle Tiberius. Only need to send it. Feel strangely calm and relieved now that is done. Is good to be in charge of one's life.
July 24th:
Too stunned to write much. Really too stunned for anything.
Just.
Cannot write.
What did I do? What did I do?
Breathe, Caroline. Breathe. Calm down.
So I kissed him. It's nothing more than what he did to me in the alleyway. Entirely within my right to do that if he did it. And I fled the room right after doing this so there were no embarrassing confessions. My saying I had missed him terribly right before the incident does not count. He probably thought it was nothing more than a gesture of friendship. He has probably left the house already. Another hour or so and I am sure I can leave the attic again with no one being any wiser.
We can all live with that.
Except I do not think the Mother Superior would approve. But she will never know because I will never tell a soul & I do not think he will either & in any case, when would he ever meet the Mother Superior & does he even speak French?
Have to say it was rather nice though. No must not think about that. Is no good dwelling on that because incident will never be repeated. Never never never.
July 24th, later:
So I was wrong about the incident not going to be repeated. Have been wrong about a lot of things lately it seems.
Rather sweet to think it is Paul George though. How quaint I should know all along that he was PG. Whatever that stood for. Now he is my PG and that is all that matters.
July 24th, even later:
No.
Just remembered that PG stood for Peculiar Guardian.
Certainly do not want him to be my Guardian. Who would want their husband to be that? Sounds incestuous & creepy & wrong.
Will just have to call him Paul.
Mrs Paul Fitzwilliam
Mrs Paul George Fitzwilliam
Paul & Caroline Fitzwilliam
Definitely has a nice ring to it.
Wonder what he is doing now? Told me he would think of me all night but probably is sleeping now because that is what people do at this time of night.
July 24th, still later. Rather 25th I suppose:
Now that I think of it, Paul never told me what he wanted to tell me about L. He said something about wanting to discuss something & then the whole incident occurred & then I fled the room & hid up in the attic & then he found me & more incidents occurred & we discussed other things like getting married & then we never came back to the original matter. Only hope it is not bad news. What if he came with bad news from lawyers?
Surely cannot join a convent now. They probably have rules against that & not even all of uncle Tiberius' influence ---
OH NO.
UNCLE TIBERIUS WILL NEVER LET ME MARRY HIM.
How can I tell Paul???
Will never be able to tell him but suppose he will find out one day. At the latest the day when I cannot go to church and marry him. Suppose had better talk to him tomorrow. Today that is.
July 25th, just after dawn:
Is rather sweet though to think that Paul thought I wanted to marry Darcy! Well I guess I did at one point but not for a long time now & he never realised it was him all along. Tells me that is why he never came back to London after the alleyway incident. Told him I am still a little angry with him but then he blames himself because if only he had come instead of staying away & sending beautiful presents we might have settled things months ago.
Is only a very few more hours until I see him again. Suppose it would not achieve much to go to sleep now even if I could. Miss him again already but does not hurt now that I know I will see him again & he loves me & we will get married. Eventually. When uncle Tiberius agrees or when I am old. Whichever happens first.
Part Twelve: In Which Caroline Finally Goes To Pemberley & Gets Rather Anxious
Posted on 2013-02-19
July 25th:
Could not see Paul for very long today but that was worth it because he & D have saved Louisa! Was that which he came to tell me yesterday in spite of wanting to stay away from me, that they had finally found a possibility. Turns out that Paul has a great-aunt who knew smug Sir Walter's mother & I am not sure how but she found out about our problems & wrote Sir W a letter & the end of it is that he is going to pay the money & L & H are going to be released soon.
Paul would not tell me what she wrote, said he had to promise, but am sure great-aunt knows about dark dealings of smug Sir W somehow & they blackmailed him. Cannot wait to meet great-aunt. Sounds fabulous woman.
Cannot marvel enough at the fact that Paul did all this for me without having any hope. Am marrying the best of men.
Shame that will only happen when I am old.
July 26th:
L & H to be released tomorrow or the day after, as soon as everything has been settled & all the papers drawn up or whatever is necessary.
Saw L this morning to tell her the good news in person & she was over-joyed. Also told her about engagement at which she had to confess she was not sure she ever even met Paul. Really odd thought. Always thought if I got married it would only be to someone of whom L approved like D. Cannot say however that if L disapproved it would sway my decision one bit.
Paul came for dinner with C & me because we had hardly seen each other all day & because he wanted to ask C for my hand. C readily agreed to it & for a moment everyone was happy until C reminded us that his blessing did not count for anything because Paul had to ask uncle Tiberius.
Had to explain to Paul then about uncle Tiberius but he claimed he was undaunted by the challenge. Poor man does not know what he is getting into. Said he would see us to Pemberley when we leave & then continue on north to approach uncle Tiberius in person.
Cannot believe almost forgot about trip to Pemberley. Must make sure have everything ready. Abigail said she wanted to alter some gowns & am not sure have everything I need. On the other hand have not really any sort of money to make purchases & clearly cannot ask uncle Tiberius now on top of everything. Shall have to improvise.
July 28th:
Louisa is home! Very tearful reunion with her & Hurst. Hurst & Charles agreed that they should stay with us for the time being & probably will close the other house up until their debts are fully paid. L very enthusiastic about living together again but had to remind her that if all goes well, will not live here for much longer. Both of us a little dejected at the idea but then of course will be able to see her all the time when I am married. Whenever that may be.
July 29th:
D&G called to welcome L&H home & to congratulate on my engagement. D very warm & sincere in his wishes and G most exuberant. Had to remind her nothing was official & was meant to be secret until we have consent from uncle Tiberius which will probably happen shortly before my 40th birthday. Hope Paul will still love me when I am old & toothless. Said he will & pointed out he would probably lose his teeth before I did, but you never know.
C & D & Paul have finalised travel arrangements & we are to leave on the 31st. Will spend two or three nights with Paul's grandmother before continuing on to Pemberley & uncle Tiberius, respectively. L&H to come with us, to keep L from the temptations, as H put it. Never actually realised it was possible to have a conversation with the man.
July 30th:
Have finished packing. Abigail worked wonders & altered some old gowns of L for me & only expenses were for a little trim. Was worried it might be too much work since L so much bigger than me but abigail says no trouble at all.
Paul asked H about what to expect from uncle Tiberius but H said when he proposed to L uncle Algie still alive so he approached him instead & all he had to do was let him win at whist. C suggested Paul start with toasting the King over the Water but had nothing else useful to contribute.
Cannot say look forward to being locked into carriage for days but Paul will travel with me & G so at least will see him all day. D says he will ride instead of being cooped up for hours.
Only hope it will not be too hot!
August 1st:
Spending the night at the house of one of Paul's cousins who is not there but ordered the staff to shower us with fresh fruit and cold meats. Must say is much nicer than spending the night in an inn like yesterday even though everything was clean & we brought our own sheets.
G kept wanting to talk about what the possible connection was between Sir Vincent & Madame Valentine & what the Mother Superior knows about it. Was interesting for the first two or three hours but then discussion began to run in circles & Paul threatened to not let her read the next volume until she is of age & she was quiet after that. Tried to find out if Paul really knows the author of The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia but he would not say a word & kept distracting me in most unfair ways.
Must say though is v. nice to travel with Paul sitting by my side. Makes up for most of the inconveniences. If only there was not the threat of uncle Tiberius & the convent looming at the end of the journey it would be thoroughly enjoyable.
August 3rd:
At Paul's grandmother's. Have met blackmailing great-aunt. Rather intimidating, truth be told, but hopefully seemed to like me. Wondered if maybe she knew something with which to blackmail uncle Tiberius but she said had never even heard of him. No wonder since he never leaves Lancashire I suppose. Shame though because things would be so much easier if only we could prove he once harboured the Young Pretender.
Get a big knot in my stomach whenever I think about uncle Tiberius & I am not even the one who has to meet him. Paul tells me not to worry & that he will wait for me if we cannot marry but I just know it is going to be horrible. Do not want to wait & pretend we are nothing to each other but casual acquaintances for two years. What if they send him abroad & I cannot go with him?
August 4th:
D continued on to Pemberley this morning, said he needed to meet his steward. No idea if it was that or just getting away from the blackmailing great-aunt's inquisitorial questions. I gather she is somehow related to the Bat which explains a lot of things. G wanted to go with him but the Dowager Countess absolutely insisted we had to stay for another night.
Was rather reluctant to leave as well because it would mean saying goodbye to Paul. Was glad to have another day with him & he proposed long walk in the grounds. Dowager Countess insisted L & H accompany us but Paul managed to get us lost & we ended up in secluded little grove by the brook. Cannot say have ever spent an afternoon in a more blissful fashion.
If uncle Tiberius refuses to consent will have to find blackmailing material on him in person. Must ask Lady Grace for advice on how to go about these things. Will offer to let her borrow all volumes of The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia; she seemed to be very interested in them when G mentioned them. Absolutely cannot wait two years to marry Paul.
August 5th:
Was woken before dawn by G who wanted to leave for Pemberley the minute the sun was up just so she could see D again. Pointed out that she had seen him not even a day ago but to no avail. Had to drag myself to the carriage still half asleep & only hope we did not forget anything. Could not even sleep properly in the carriage because G kept chattering about her blasted brother. Finally Paul gave her a very stern look & then I was able to doze on his shoulder for some thirty minutes.
Most surprised to find upon our arrival at Pemberley that D was in a state of equal unrest. Apparently Jane Bennet's plain sister & some relatives were touring Pemberley the day before & now D wanted us all to come along & pay a visit the moment we had climbed out of the carriage. C & of course G most eager to comply but L & H excused themselves citing need to sleep & Paul & I begged out of the excursion as well.
At least absence of others meant got to say goodbye to Paul in private. Miss him already. Wonder when he will arrive in Lancashire & be able to see uncle Tiberius. Wonder if uncle Tiberius will even agree to meet him.
Seems we are to entertain plain girl & her family tomorrow. Really do not feel in the mood for it. Could not even appreciate being at Pemberley though I have to say it is very pretty because all I can think about is what will uncle Tiberius say?
August 6th:
No word from Paul this morning but tell myself that is only to be expected because he spent all day yesterday on the road & could not have sent anything. Surely does not mean that uncle Tiberius locked him in the cellar.
Plain girl & her family here all morning. D took the uncle fishing or some such thing & Eliza & her aunt left to us. Could not really think about anything else but what Paul was doing right that moment so think got rather snappish with them. Miss Eliza all smug & full of herself in a completely sickening way going on & on about her travels. As if it were so special to be travelling. I could have been travelling too this summer. D all excited at her being there & going on about how she is just so special & pretty just because she is of age already & can get married any time she wants & I am at the mercy of uncle Tiberius entirely.
Must ask L if I was very rude to her. Must try to be more civil when we see her again for dinner tomorrow although I do not know why we have to see them every day.
Wish Paul was here & all was well.
August 7th:
Still no word from Paul. Hope that means all is going well & he is returning soon & no need to write.
D even more distracted today than he was the last days. Was out early this morning to pay yet another visit to Miss Elizabeth Bennet and her fine eyes but apparently she had to leave because someone or other of her family fell ill. D has locked himself up in his study & refused to come out ever since.
August 7th, later:
Uncle Tiberius has refused. I always felt he would but is something else entirely to know it for certain. I knew it the moment Paul dismounted & looked at me & when he embraced me all I could do was cry. Only good news is uncle Tiberius has no plans yet to send me to a convent. At least none that he told Paul about.
It is so damnably unfair. Is not as if I cared one jot about the stupid money. He can keep that if he wants & have more pamphlets printed urging everyone to support that ancient self-styled Duke of York or whatever it is he does these days. I only want to get married & why can he not see that? Paul says that uncle Tiberius found him lacking in moral substance & altogether corrupted & unworthy & most importantly of questionable loyalties. Paul tells me again & again it does not matter, we will wait. Cannot express how much I love him for that but it will never do. Must find other way.
D finally emerged from his study an hour & a half after Paul had come back. Was even more distracted but managed to find some words of sympathy before telling Paul that he had to leave for London early next morning on some sort of business & Paul to see to it that the rest of us got back to London safely. Then he dragged Paul into his study to discuss "the details" in spite of my protests. Wonder what sort of business it is this time & or if he is trying to escape again.
August 8th:
Think it bodes well for my marriage that Paul & I seem to be thinking the same thing so often. When I went to tell him this morning I had found a solution he had just seen D off & come to the same conclusion. Think I love him even more than I did yesterday just because he agreed with me it was the best solution if unconventional.
Think might have shocked everyone at breakfast a little when I announced we were going to elope on Monday but then everyone there already knew of our plight & surely much better this way than to leave them wondering when we are gone and the horses are missing. L immediately said she would come with us. Had thought when eloping one only took a trusted servant but then would really like for L to be there so did not argue with her. H will accompany her of course because he wants to make sure she is not tempted.
G wants to come as well but Paul & I do not think D will like that.
August 9th:
Spent the day getting things in order; is not every day one gets married & want to look perfect even in unusual circumstances. Abigail & Mrs Annesley took things in hand & think everything is splendid now. Can hardly wait.
Paul has asked C to stand up with him since D unable to come. G complained again that she wanted to come as well so Paul finally agreed but only on the condition that Mrs A come as well. Which is all for the better because a cousin of Mrs A is a priest in Brydekirk, which appears to be just north of Gretna. Much nicer to be married there instead of over an anvil.
Part Thirteen: In Which Caroline Travels Further North & Discovers Whisky
Posted on 2013-02-26
August 10th:
So exciting to be eloping! Is almost like a scene from The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia & I think G got rather giddy at the prospect as well & at one point tried to convince us uncle Tiberius was charging after us trying to have me abducted & brought to the convent.
Really do not want to imagine that. Although suppose that while uncle Tiberius might want to do so he would never pay for the horses he would need to charge after me so am probably safe.
Paul tells me he sent D a letter informing him about the elopement. Not sure if that was the wisest course but then Paul really felt bad about not having D there so I guess he at least wanted to tell him as soon as possible.
Spending the night with one of Paul's aunts. Manchester v. smoky but aunt charming. Gave me a lace shawl to wear for the wedding.
August 11th:
In Westmorland with yet another cousin of Paul's. Am not sure will ever be able to keep the family straight but Mrs Fitzhugh awfully sweet & gifted me with her own bridal shoes; says she will not be able to wear them any time soon now she is in the family way.
L & Mrs A insisted on sitting me down after dinner and "explain certain proceedings" to me. Seemed to assume I was nervous. Did not want to disabuse them of that notion so just smiled & nodded & did not say had found book in the Pemberley library with all the relevant details that I had not yet gathered from The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia. (NB: Wonder if D knows that books have those passages & still lets G read them.) Is nice after all that they cared even though slightly embarrassing.
August 13th, early morning:
Ow. Ow. Sunlight hurts.
Think whisky may be even viler than absinthe though certainly tastes better.
Also, my husband snores.
My husband.
Hee. I have a husband.
Ow.
Must drink water & return to bed.
August 14th:
Must confess events of my wedding day still kind of a blur to me. Remember that we were almost late because driver had taken a wrong turn so had nearly no time at all to get ready. Paul v. sweet in the carriage insisting nobody get nervous when he was most nervous of all. Looked v. fetching though in his uniform. Ceremony was lovely & cousin Fergus who must be twice Mrs A's age a real dear but after that things get a little unclear. Think we were invited to a toast in our honour by the local squire who apparently is another of Mrs A's cousins & then cannot remember much. Must have been about the whole village of Brydekirk that had come to toast us. Then we toasted the King over the Water. Uncle Tiberius would probably have given up all resistance at that. Shame he will never know but is probably better not to tell anyone about momentary lapse in loyalty. Think at one point was taught a song about the bonnie banks of loch something or other & then we sang something in Scots that I think was not very nice towards King George though not sure which one. Paul says my performance was very sweet but am pretty sure he was already asleep on the table by then. Am quite certain C performed the Bunny Lament to great success but certainly was sober enough to carry Paul upstairs to our chambers after that. Vaguely recall tumbling into bed shortly afterwards with only most cursory attention to the normal ablutions & think Paul was already completely out of everything by then.
Events of the next morning much clearer & certainly more memorable even if the splitting headache was a bit distracting in the beginning. Turns out books certainly cannot teach one everything.
All in all think was probably the best wedding any girl could have. Still cannot keep silly grin from creeping over my face whenever I talk about my husband, or so L tells me. Love him so much think I am going to burst from happiness any minute now.
August 16th:
L & H have decided to stay with cousin Fergus for a while who has promised to help L with her problem. Is probably most sensible course but am going to miss her dreadfully. Was one thing to think about us settled in different parts of London but another thing entirely to have settled her almost a week's travel away. Am feeling the loss already & have not even said goodbye to her.
Such a shame we have to be back on the road tomorrow. Really do not want to face D when he finds out where we took his sister but then am quite certain Mrs A took her away before the toasting became to raucous.
August 17th:
In Westmorland again. Still feel sad at having to take leave of L for who knows how long but Paul comforts me as best as could be. Received heartfelt congratulations from Mr & Mrs Fitzhugh.
Will spend tomorrow night in Manchester once more & reach Pemberley on the 19th, probably to leave G there with Mrs A before C, Paul & I return to London.
Had long discussion with Paul about how to inform his family. He wants to tell them in person. Suggested he write a letter as he did with Darcy but he said he was not sure that was best course of action.
Cannot believe have not yet thought about what Paul's family (excepting D&G of course) will think of me. Will probably think me beneath Paul's notice & far too young. Hope they will not hate me too much.
Must finish writing for today, my husband calls.
Hah.
Still sounds weird. And wonderful.
August 19th:
Oh my.
So Darcy did get that letter.
Was already at Pemberley when we came there; had apparently arrived shortly before us. Was not in the best mood to say the last. Am not sure about whatever business it was in London (NB: must ask Paul if he knows) but apparently it did not go too well & then he was also angry we had taken G with us. Was afraid he would fire poor Mrs A even though she had come only to protect G, but he lauded her for being the only sensible person in the party & thinking of her cousin so we at least did not get married over an anvil. Then Paul started shouting back at him (brave man!) about how it was not D's business in the first place how & where we got married & he could take his precious reputation elsewhere & began to outline just where elsewhere was & just when I thought it might be time to cover G's ears or bring her somewhere else altogether, they sort of punched each other's shoulders & then D congratulated us both & asked how the journey had been.
Men.
August 21st:
Going south in a few days but for the moment enjoying married life at Pemberley. Do not feel inclined to write much; Paul wants to take me down to the river to enjoy the warm weather & promised cook was going to pack basket of cupcakes.
Feel like haven't eaten a cupcake in ages what with all the fretting recently. Paul seemed unusually amused at the idea; must ask him what he means by it. Also must really ask him why Darcy is in such a foul mood half the time.
August 22nd:
Still do not understand what is so funny about the fact that cupcakes are tasty & I like them. Paul keeps saying that my love for them was what first endeared me to him. Not sure if that is flattering or not but since he is the best of husbands I will allow him this little idiosyncrasy.
NB: Must really ask him what is the matter with Darcy.
August 23rd:
G getting all dejected at the idea of us leaving in three days & keeps begging D to take her with him but D adamant that she cannot come to London.
Wanted to offer to take her with us but since Paul & I still have not decided where to go once we have reached London offer probably would not meet D's approval. Promised G though that once we were settled somewhere would definitely invite her which seemed to cheer her up immensely.
Paul says not to worry and I don't but can't help but feel odd at the thought that we have as of yet no idea where we will make our home. Paul usually stayed with either D or his parents when he was in London but really do not want to move into his mother's house when I have never even met her; what if she & I do not get along at all? C said that we could stay in his house for as long as we liked & we probably will go there first but cannot be indefinite stay as I want my own home eventually.
Paul asks me would I like to live somewhere in the country & I said I would not mind but he would have to sell his commission for that & he still seems to be having doubts about it. Also what part of the country to choose? Would like to be both north to be close to Louisa and south so can see Charles.
Am convinced though we will work it out. Paul & I have gone over finances and determined that even without my inheritance we will have enough money to live comfortably if we are suitably economic.
August 24th:
G reminded me that we had not yet informed anyone but Darcy about the marriage & asked did we want to keep it a secret or could she tell her cousin about it in her letter? Paul & I decided there was no call for secrecy any longer so he sat down to write to his parents & the Viscount only for D to tell him that he had already informed them. At least D had the grace to be sorry about that.
So first thing we have to do when we go to London is see Paul's parents and apologise that they had to hear from Darcy of all people. Who probably painted our elopement in the most horrible colours.
Realised though that apart from that there are some people I wanted to tell so wrote letters to Auntie Margaret & to Anne. Still feel bad about Anne's family's fortune & wonder whether I should tell her where it went but then maybe she does not even know it is gone yet. Although in that case maybe I should really tell her so she knows? Do not want to ask Paul what he thinks because would have to reveal what are only suspicions about Anne's past in order to make everything clear to him. He does not know how much she helped me when I felt so doubtful.
Wondered whether I should write to any of the girls at school but have not heard from any of them in ages & they would probably sneer at it having been an elopement & my not even buying new gowns & wedding breakfast consisting of little else but whisky. I know I would have. Thought about writing to Fanny but then she never returned any of my visits or asked about L or anything. Will probably let her know eventually when I am returned to London.
Then Paul & I sat down & carefully composed letter to uncle Tiberius. We were decided we would not beg him for forgiveness as we have nothing to apologise for but then we also did not want to be too disrespectful since it would be nice to have my money even if we can make do without it if we must. D agreed to read the letter & he replaced a few words with longer ones. Normally would not tolerate that kind of thing but is just what uncle Tiberius loves.
Also sent letter to L asking how she is settling in & telling her about how we are debating where to settle & did she think she would leave Scotland soon?
August 26th:
G came to a compromise with D that she could travel south as far as to her grandmother's house with us & spend the rest of the summer there.
G ecstatic because apparently her cousin wrote that she would be there as well. Fear that means that the Bat will be there as well but guess that cannot be helped & anyway have nothing to fear from her now since I no longer want to marry D.
That is unless she had plans for Paul too but there is nothing she can do about that either.
Would explain though why D is in such a bad mood if the Bat is waiting for him. (NB: Really should ask Paul what is up with D; perhaps it is not the Bat after all.)
Had a letter from L today. She is settling in well & tells me about the walks she & H take daily because H thinks the exercise will help her to keep her mind away from gambling. Says she feels like something is missing but there simply is no opportunity for her to gamble anywhere around esp. because cousin Fergus strictly opposed to any form of it & will not tolerate it in his house so she cannot even get her hands on a pack of cards. L says this is exactly what she needs & also that the housekeeper's daughter is now teaching her how to do lace so she has things to do of an evening.
August 27th:
Hmph. When packing, Paul found my box of curls & now keeps teasing me. Apparently one of the curls is from him.
Well I didn't know that, did I & I did not voluntarily collect them in the first place.
No need for him to be so ridiculously amused by it. Pah.
Mrs A asked me this morning, now that I was going back to town, and to the Dowager Countess and BGA beforehand, did I not want to begin wearing caps?
Had not even given that a thought before; somehow L & I never talked about those when we got my things ready.
Hmph. That embarrassing time we spent discussing proceedings in the bedroom had much better been spent choosing a cap for me because the one Mrs A offered to lend me is absolutely hideous though I didn't tell her so. Suppose I shall have to find a cap I like one day but I want to have the thinnest, flimsiest possible - do not like idea of hiding my hair when it may just be my best feature and I would rather -
Gah! Husbands! Asked me what I was writing about & I told him & he completely did not understand the problem & only said he could name several features of mine that were -
Foregoing that thought, would really like to wear really thin lacy cap but the pretty ones with real lace probably cost a fortune I don't have so I shall have to resort to Mrs A's until I find something better. At least in London I can raid L's drawers for a replacement although her mobcaps to be sure are rather on the pouffy side.
Part Fourteen - In Which Caroline Travels South Again And Is Under Suspicion
Posted on 2013-03-05
August 28th:
Paul is going to murder D & I cannot say I would blame him. Turns out not only did D tell Paul's parents about our wedding, he also invited them to Pemberley to come & see us or rather see Paul since they did not seem so delighted to see me. Wonder what D told them about me. Or probably they heard about the incident with the carpet on fire. Cannot blame them if they have reservations after hearing about that.
Was only lucky we arrived at the Dowager Countess' at the same time as they did or we would probably have missed each other on the road.
Do not quite know what to think of Paul's parents & they seem to feel the same about me. Well am sure was not at my best when they saw me, being tired from the long journey & also wearing hideous cap from Mrs A. G tried her best to compliment me on it but could say nothing better about it than that it was charming.
Only good thing is the Bat & her daughter have not yet arrived but am told it is only a matter of days.
Dinner was a very tedious affair. Felt completely embarrassed the way everybody looked at me, Paul kept shooting D nasty looks & the DC seemed to have somehow quarrelled with her son. Only G & the blackmailing great-aunt were cheerful & kept chatting about The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia. Was amazed that the BGA claimed to have read them all in less than a fortnight. BGA said she enjoyed them even more than Tom Jones but also said the latter was a bit more scandalous. Wonder if I should read it.
August 30th:
Feeling of unease continues. Spent most of yesterday taking long walk around the park with Paul but could not help but notice that his mother & father kept shooting me weird looks whenever they saw me afterwards.
Might of course also be because I must have lost Mrs A's cap somewhere on our walk though have no idea where & could not find it anymore today & think my hair might have looked a trifle wild. Asked abigail did I have anything that I could use as a cap but she says we did not pack any when we left London because I decided they were all ugly.
D left for London today on whatever mysterious business it is that makes him all grumpy (NB: Keep forgetting I meant to ask Paul about it) but we were informed that the Bat sent a letter telling us she will arrive tomorrow. Oh joy.
September 1st:
Bat sent us a letter saying she & the daughter are enjoying time with D in London & will take a few more days to come here. Wonder how anyone could enjoy time with D with the mood he is in right now but perhaps whatever business he had is resolved now. (NB: Keep forgetting to ask Paul.)
Am not particularly enjoying myself here either except when I am with Paul although had fun with G & C last night. G convinced C to begin reading The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia because she said she could not stomach him looking bored anymore & so she forced him to sit down and start it. C very impatient at first; always asked of us to tell him what was important & what he could skip but then apparently he got in the mood of it & was still reading when we retired & apparently read until dawn which is why nobody saw him today.
Had painfully stilted conversation with Paul's mother about I am not even sure what but she kept looking at me & mustering my gown. Do not think there can be anything wrong with it because it is one of Mrs Duckie's nicest creations & with my new, accurate measurements that Mrs Taylor always got wrong. Perhaps she thought I would set it on fire as well.
September 4th:
D is back looking a trifle less grim in the face but also brought with him the Bat & daughter. Daughter very inoffensive but the Bat very much not so & kept going on about how magnificent she was until her mother told her to stop. Then G & C & the BGA kept discussing Madame Valentine's will & what was in the mysterious chest Captain Van Swanck brought with him from Germany.
Bat kept huffing & wanted to be told what they were talking about then when she was told huffed even more & informed us she & her daughter never read novels. What a miserable life that must be.
Then she said something about how my situation was so very peculiar & think she was referring to the whole business of uncle Tiberius (NB: wonder if he ever read our letter or threw it away unanswered?) but then she said it could never happen to her daughter which does not make much sense unless daughter has a spiteful mad uncle too. Though that is entirely possible in that family.
September 5th:
Bat keeps making veiled hints at me that are so veiled I do not even know what she means when she talks about my 'expectations' & winks at me & then says I must be pleased with my success. At first thought it was her way of congratulating me on the marriage but now wonder if she perhaps found out about L's problems? Must ask Paul if he told her.
C made a sketch or something of Captain Van Swanck's family tree & wanted to show it to us to explain new theory he has but nobody could make sense of it, not even Paul. Bat forbade her daughter to look at it saying it would give her a headache.
Paul's parents still very distant but had a nice letter from Lord & Lady Ringo congratulating us which must count for something.
September 6th:
Abigail presented me with very pretty little cap she had sewn from an old neck-kerchief of C. Quite ingenious & much nicer than the one I lost in the grove. Is not exactly lace but looks v. fashionable. Has sort of embroidery on it too. Still do not quite like covering my hair but at least look presentable now. Poor girl said she had to go through three attempts just to get it right. Good thing C rips so many cravats.
Got a sort of compliment on it from Paul's mother, at least think it was a compliment, and another weird remark from the Bat. Not sure what made her say I was beginning to fill out my role or even what she meant.
September 8th:
Bat behaved very weirdly at dinner today. Apparently had taken C's sketch with her when nobody was looking & examined it & then regaled us with a lecture about how nothing on it made sense because there were several incidents on it of Salic Law being disregarded along with common sense, as she put it. Kept switching to German in her conversation & Paul tried to translate for me but am not sure I understood everything.
Paul's mother & father looked quite bored & the Bat's daughter was vacant in her expression as usual but the rest of us were quite amazed about how the Bat could know so much about a novel she had not even read.
Then the Bat broke off her lecture & said something to me about how my radiance seemed to be increasing every day at which the Earl hissed something in French about how they would not discuss that at the table. Cannot help but think he does not like me very much although Paul says both his parents very fond of me. Cannot say I have felt much of that yet.
September 9th:
So that is what she meant! Well, I can see how they came by that impression but still … Paul though angrier about it all than I am. Actually think parts of it are almost funny.
What happened was that this morning Paul's father asked Paul into the library to talk to him & when Paul came out again he was absolutely furious and laid on his mother & aunt about what they were thinking about me & I thought Paul's father had finally revealed to Paul they did not like me because I set people's heirloom rugs on fire, as I had presumed all the time. Was quite flabbergasted & did not know what to say or if to say anything when Mrs A took me aside & said she needed to talk to me so we repaired to another room.
Mrs A apparently unsure how she could put the matter to me but in the end resolved on telling me bluntly that Paul's parents & aunt convinced I was going to have a child & that was why we married so quickly & in Scotland. Suppose it makes sense if you do not know the particulars which it appears D omitted when he told them such as that I was in danger of being transported to a French convent which obviously is only a trifling matter and therefore need not be mentioned.
Wonder if that is what a lot of people will be thinking but Mrs A said talk will die down when I do not have a child in the next seven months - then asked was I quite sure if I would not?
One embarrassing relation of further facts (that the book in the Pemberley library apparently forgot to mention) later & I could tell her that I was definitely not going to have a child in the next seven months. Quite a relief to know that actually. Had been wondering. Would not want to have a child & no house nor room to put the cradle.
Did not know what to say to Paul's family after that so went for a walk in the grounds where I met D looking grim & deep in thought as usual. Wanted to tell him off for letting Paul's family believe we had to marry for that but D hardly listened & instead said he was convinced now we had to tell C that we were mistaken about Jane. Said he was probably right & proposed I would do it, seeing as I am his sister & all but D said he would take C back to Hertfordshire for the shooting & do it there after he had seen Jane once again. D argued C could be spared the pain of finding out if Jane not interested in him anymore.
Agreed with D but wonder how he of all people will be able to tell what Jane feels?
September 10th:
Turns out Paul had been wondering too so last night explained to him what Mrs A had said & that I was v. definitely not going to have a child & also tried to make him see it from his parents' standpoint seeing as they had never even met me before so the conclusion was not as far-fetched especially seeing as some people forgot to mention certain details such as my impending transportation to France.
Thought it best then to address the matter directly so this morning went to Paul's mother to talk to her in private & tell her about no child & uncle Tiberius. Really did not feel like discussing the matter with the Bat but am confident she will hear about it sooner or later & stop the comments.
Talk with the Countess embarrassing enough but she v. apologetic & said she should have asked me directly then invited us for Christmas. Have no idea where we will be in December.
September 11th:
D&C left for Hertfordshire. G very dejected but keeps cheering herself up with long talks about The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia with the blackmailing great-aunt. Paul's mother has begun to read it as well & keeps alternately laughing & shaking her head.
Paul's father patted my hand today at breakfast & said I would do. Suppose that to be a compliment. Bat so far has not said anything apart from that parting from her daughter must have been v. painful for D. Obviously she did not realise D has been looking as if he were tortured with hot irons for the past month. Really must ask Paul about that.
September 13th:
Very confusing turn of events. Sat in the small drawing-room with the Bat this morning reading Tom Jones waiting for Paul to return from his morning ride so he could continue to read it to me. Bat was writing letter, probably to D informing him how much he was in love with her daughter, when suddenly she looked up at me & said she regretted making assumptions about my situation. Was about to thank her when she continued that she could not be faulted for being in the wrong because I had grown as wide as a carriage horse since she last saw me.
Was speechless for a full minute after that & could not even say a thing when the Bat waltzed out of the room. Went after her when I had regained control of my limbs but apparently took a wrong turn in the East gallery because suddenly ended up in a small drawing-room with a nice view of the park & a writing desk in front of the window. Was about to leave again when I saw the name of Count Haubenstein on one of the papers on the desk. Turned out papers contained scene in which Count Haubenstein exposes Captain Van Swanck as a fraud because of his ignorance of the Salic Law & then proposes marriage to the lovely Theodora - then scene broke off.
Surely the Bat cannot have written that but who else would know about the Salic Law?
September 15th:
Surely cannot be authentic scene from the book. How would it get here?
Must have been written probably by G or the BGA because they were impatient for the next volume.
September 16th:
Remember now what G speculated this summer about the writer of The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia coming from her family & believing it to be Paul. Can definitely not be Paul because is not his handwriting & surely he would tell me but maybe it is his father?
Might also be his mother. Maybe her surprise & all the blushing when she read the books was just an act.
September 19th:
Is definitely not Paul's father either. Although he would be scheming enough to do it.
Asked me today could he talk to me in private. Wondered what that was about but followed him into the library anyway. Turns out that Paul's father wrote to uncle Tiberius of all people when he first heard about our marriage & then saw fit not to tell us about that at all even when we made up. Not sure where he got the address but apparently he told uncle Tiberius in great detail what he & the rest of the family thought why we were getting married & that they had not known about anything of it. No wonder we never received a reply to our letter.
Paul's father said he had received reply from uncle Tiberius this day saying that letter had only confirmed what he always thought & he knew exactly now what to think about the marriage & knew better than to let me or my degenerate husband ever see a penny of my money if he could prevent it. Then followed a long list of my transgressions and a comparison to various fallen women in Biblical history. Did not know there were quite so many women of dubious character in old Israel & list would have been v. illuminating if circumstances not so serious.
Did not quite know what to say. Paul & I had of course known this could happen but is altogether different when it does happen & through no fault of our own. We will manage of course but still feel rather disappointed.
Knew not what to say to Paul's father after that so just rushed out of the room wanting to find Paul & cry into his shoulder & hear him tell me everything would be alright.
Paul & I stayed in our room tonight but received note from the Earl saying he wanted to make amends. Paul tossed note into the fire & said a couple of unrepeatable things but managed to calm him down & not go after his father tonight. Will clear that up tomorrow.
Part Fifteen - In Which Caroline Goes To Kent & Comes Home
Posted on 2013-03-12
September 23rd:
Still with the Dowager Countess. Paul wanted to leave the morning after we found out about the letter but convinced him better to stay & see what happens seeing as we have no real place to go to anyway apart from C's house but that would be weird with C still in Hertfordshire.
Mood v. frosty here. The Bat & daughter left for London citing Darcy coming back to town soon as reason. G & Mrs A went back to Pemberley yesterday to resume their lessons. G v. tearful at parting but promised her we would see each other again for Christmas. Thanked Mrs A again for cap even if it was ugly & I lost it & all the help with the wedding & the things she explained to me.
Is v. awkward here now with Paul no longer talking to his father & I am sure the Countess Violet feels it just as much as I do.
Think the Earl is too proud to issue an actual forthright apology & Paul too proud to ask for one. Stupid men.
Have not even had an opportunity to find out anything else about the mysterious scene I found & frankly felt not in the mood for that.
September 24th:
Really would like to find a solution about where we shall go next. At least we know now for certain we shall not have any of my money for the foreseeable future & can plan accordingly. Paul says we will work it out but so far is mostly sulking. Maybe we should go to London after all & take it from there.
September 26th:
Have talked to Violet & she finds situation just as unbearable as I do. Suggested we come live with them in London. Thanked her for the offer but told her it would be just as horrible as it is now here, or even worse for we would not even have the BGA's comments about politics to distract us.
Violet agreed with me there & promised to think about something else.
September 27th:
Gah! Men! Violet says the Earl will only offer to help Paul if Paul asks for it & Paul says he will never beg his father for anything.
Violet & I are decided talking will not bring anything about it & sat in the conservatory wondering what could be done when the BGA came up with the perfect solution.
We will lock them in the library.
September 29th:
Oh my.
The Earl certainly was in earnest when he said he wanted to make amends.
He has given us a house.
An actual house.
We have a house.
An estate.
With income.
A HOUSE.
The house is in Kent, not far from the Bat (which is I suppose why the Earl hardly ever uses it). A sister of the Earl's father used to live there but it has been empty since she died three years ago. It is not large, but it has a good steady income & we can have it.
Our own house.
If Paul messes this up by quarrelling with his father again I will kill him.
October 1st:
Going to London tomorrow to settle everything with lawyers & so Paul can do whatever he needs to do to resign his commission. Not sure about the details because we have a house & we will live in our own house soon.
Apparently D is back in town as well & left C in Hertfordshire. Wonder why he left alone. Maybe D told C about what we did & they quarrelled. Must ask D what he said & then write to C & apologise.
October 4th:
Back in town & staying with Paul's parents for the time being. Most surprised the Bat & daughter not beleaguering D anymore but have retreated to Kent. Probably could not stand D's foul mood anymore. Wanted to ask D about what he said to C but could not catch him alone after dinner today as he did nothing but brood.
Had letter from A that had been sent to C's house. A very heartfelt in her congratulations & wishing us best of luck. Asked also had I heard anything about new volume of The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia. Wonder if I should tell her about mysterious excerpt I found & present the suspects to her; A always so succinct in her evaluations. Could of course also ask Paul but what if it is him after all?
Do not think it is though because he would not keep thing like that from me. Must be the Bat.
And now I feel bad about keeping things from Paul but is luckily only v. minor thing.
October 5th:
Received express letter from C this morning saying he was engaged to Jane! About time too, had been wondering what took him so long seeing as he has been in Hertfordshire for almost a month now.
Read letter to Paul who kept grinning & when I asked him why said did I not think this quite heightened D's chances with Jane's sister? Took me a moment to realise he meant the fine-eyed Miss Elizabeth Bennet but it all makes sense now.
Cannot believe how I was so blind & forgot all about how D kept talking about her last year.
So he was pining for her & Paul says he has been at least since Easter.
Oh my.
Do not know whether it would be mean to laugh but the idea of D having been crossed in love these past six months is just unbearably funny.
Asked Paul if we should give D a gentle hint that going by the cow-eyed looks she gave him when she was at Pemberley the lady will have him but Paul said he would not meddle with that for the world & seeing how my meddling turned out in C's affairs must say is probably better not to. D will sort it out eventually. Hopefully.
Letter from L saying she is feeling much calmer than she was in London & enjoying Scotland immensely. Apparently she has received letter from uncle Tiberius telling her how she had failed me in her duty as my elder sister to keep me from sin. L asked if I felt terribly neglected because she had not guided me enough. Wrote back immediately to give her new address of our own house & told her that we have a house & not to worry about uncle Tiberius anymore.
October 7th:
Packing again. Leaving for Kent tomorrow. Moving into our house. Our own house.
Earl has had servants keep house in order so no large repairs necessary & we can move in immediately now that everything in London has been settled. Will probably want to replace furniture by and bye but first want to assess house & see what we want to change. Also must save money for new furniture first.
Could not help but send letter to uncle Tiberius informing him about address change & telling him to direct further communication to me & my husband there. Wondered if I should send it but Paul read it over & said he was the luckiest man on earth having married a woman who could be so deliciously polite and contemptuous at the same time.
Not sure that is a compliment but certainly do not mind the way the silly man expresses his marital felicity.
Will have to stop at Rosings tomorrow as it is on the way & apparently the Bat is giving us a box-load of curtain material. Or so she says. Is probably rather fabric to cover me since she thinks I am looking like a horse.
But will just not think about that when I am there & smile & thank her prettily for her gift because even if they come with her condescension, Violet says curtains first-rate material.
Will not say anything about how only because her daughter looks like an insect does not mean I am fat.
I am healthy-looking.
October 8th:
Arrived in Kent with long line of carts full of trunks following us. Never realised we had that many things but then more than half of the boxes full with Paul's books. At least whatever may be wrong with our house (our house) we will have the foundation of a very good library & will try our best to make it as grand as Pemberley's.
Stopped at Bromley just as the Bat had advised us & mentioned her name at the Bell only to be presented with an enormous bill because apparently her Batship orders a whole roast pheasant whenever she is there.
We have to stay at Rosings tonight because the Bat simply would not let us continue on even though it is little more than an hour to our house (OUR HOUSE). Begin to understand why the Earl did not want the house for himself.
Bat tedious as usual at dinner this day but at least the daughter tried to actually speak to us; not much & usually in a whisper but she seems friendly enough. Gave us very pretty volume of Donne's poetry as a late wedding present; very nice indeed. Bat waxed endlessly about her generousity in letting us have her old curtains & had brought her silly parson to help her telling her how grand she was & if they weren't so pretty I'd have long told her to keep them. Also we really want our money back because we certainly are not going to pay for the stuffed swans she needs to keep her fortitude.
Cannot wait for tomorrow when we get to our house.
October 9th:
We are going to our house today. OUR HOUSE.
Leaving as soon as the carriages are ready but I think I did something stupid just now. Bat forced us to have breakfast with her before we leave & even had her silly parson come to it. So we had to endure yet another lecture about how amazing & selfless & ultimately just unbearably wonderful the Bat was, both by herself & her minion. Then she got talking about Pemberley & her eyes glazed over & got all misty as she talked about 'the approaching union' & the 'joining of the fortunes' & whatever & I could see the daughter pretending to gag into her tea which set Paul off laughing. Was then that things got slightly out of control because the Bat asked what was so funny & the daughter rolled her eyes & imitated the Bat's facial expressions & Paul almost choked on his kippers & I just blurted out that Darcy was surely already on his way to Hertfordshire to propose to Miss Elizabeth Bennet and her fine eyes.
Then it was the Bat's turn to choke on her tea & everybody rushed to help her & Paul shook his head at me & grinned and muttered something about a storm I had unleashed & then the Bat all red in the face kept calling for her daughter & her carriage & Paul said we had better be off so I went upstairs to get my bonnet.
Wonder what keeps our horses for so long. The Bat's carriage left twenty minutes ago. Hope Paul got our money from her before she set off wherever she went.
October 9th, evening:
We are in our own house! It is so very beautiful, all bricks & over-grown with roses & from the attic windows you can see the sea!
Bedrooms are mayhap a bit snug but v. beautiful with large windows overlooking the gardens. Very pretty drawing-room downstairs with balconies leading into garden & library has very nice shelves which are almost empty now but will probably soon be filled.
If that is we ever get our money back from the Bat & can actually afford to buy books in the near future. Cannot believe Paul let himself be fobbed off like that.
October 12th:
Feels like we have lived here forever. Do not think I ever was happier apart from the tiny matter of the Bat still having our money. Paul promised though to write letter to her asking for it reminding her we have to buy food for us & our servants.
Is still a novelty being actual, real mistress of so many servants & not just standing in like I did with C. Luckily housekeeper is v. experienced woman & helps me. Not sure she takes me serious at all but so far have not had disagreements with her. Hope abigail gave a good account of me in the servants' halls.
Abigail gave me another set of new caps this morning all after the original pattern but with different embroideries. Was rather moved at this because had not asked her to do so. Expressed my thanks for all she had done for me in the past year & asked her what she thought about our move. Glad to hear she likes it here. Did not realise before how much I constantly rely on her. If I had any spare money right now would make her present but it will have to wait.
October 13th:
Received letter from D today that was so blotted & illegible that we first thought it was from C. D just wrote to inform us he was riding to Hertfordshire to hunt with C & cryptic remarks about 'wanting to learn the lay of the land' and having recently received news that made a positive outcome of some important matters more probable than before. (NB: Wonder if it was G who told him that Miss Elizabeth Bennet's fine eyes got all goggly whenever she saw him?)
Probably D thinks I do not know what he means but know exactly what he is talking about. Could not help grinning all day & Paul kept teasing me about it. Told him if he did not succeed with his aunt soon he had better hope D was successful because he would have to ask him for money.
October 16th:
Cannot believe how peaceful it is here. Paul is burying himself in the estate management & occasionally asks me to help him with the sums. I said I could do more but he says he wants to at least feel as if he was providing for his family. Silly man, as if I married him for his money. When he is busy I keep myself busy with redecorating & arranging things. Want to have house pretty-looking & everything ready because we are going to have visitors for Christmas!
Have written to L & G inviting them for Christmas. Want to ask C & D as well but probably had better wait to find out how exactly the matter stands with their Bennet sisters.
Abigail teaches me to sew & embroider. Really is much easier than I thought. Always looked so complicated at school. Am going to tackle knitting next.
October 21st:
Letter from D saying he needed to relay a v. important matter to us & then after several more polysyllabic paragraphs he finally informed us he and Miss Elizabeth Bennet had become engaged. Was surprised it had taken him that long.
Realised had not yet written to C & Jane so rectified that immediately. Still did not quite know what to say especially about the whole matter of separating them so letter probably rather awkward-sounding. Hope shall see Jane soon in person to clear things up with her. Suppose will also have to make friends with the large-eyed sister. Invited all of them for Christmas. Hope we will have money by then.
In hindsight I am not sure I ever let Jane know I am married & living in Kent now but surely C will tell her that so it all makes sense.
October 27th:
Received answer from Jane. Not sure it was exactly warm but then cannot blame her for that. Was very kind in her congratulations though & said she & her sister were going to be married just before Christmas & would leave for the Lakes then but they would look forward to visit us in the spring. Hope I can patch up matters with her eventually.
Had long letter from G very enthusiastically agreeing to come here for Christmas especially because her brother was not there but she did not know whether he would consent. Paul wrote back saying he consented & that was enough.
November 1st:
Could not trust my eyes today. Bat's daughter sent us bank note saying her mother kept forgetting to pay us but she did not want us to have any inconveniences. Very charming letter, much wittier than the daughter is in person, and signed very warmly.
Completely flabbergasting however was her hand. Ran upstairs immediately to compare it with the sample in my desk & there is no doubt possible.
Really must keep up correspondence with her. Should probably call her Anne since she begged me twice to do so. Wonder if she will come if I invite her for Christmas. Would probably mean inviting the Bat as well.
November 15th:
Has grown v. cold recently. Took long walk by the sea today with Paul. Air rather frosty and winds heavy but cannot remember ever having been happier. Told Paul I could burst just from everything & things got very silly & we danced on the sand.
Came back to find a letter from L saying she had the best of news. If it is a boy, they are going to call him Mortimer after his father. So that riddle is solved at last, just when I had all but forgot about it. Began to knit cap for baby as Paul read to me tonight.
Sat in our drawing-room observing the fire as Paul read sonnets to me in his wonderful voice & suddenly felt completely thrilled just knowing I was home.
The End