Beginning , Previous Section , Section IV, Next Section
Chapter 10
Posted on Saturday, 22 May 2004
Will was in a panic trying to figure out what to pack for the trip. He knew it would be cool up there. Not only did he have to pick what to bring for himself, but he also had to pack for Georgiana. There were piles of clothes all over their bedroom. Small piles of baby clothes and larger piles of his. He pulled a turtleneck out of his, held it up. It had a stain of baby food on the shoulder. He tossed it in the vicinity of the laundry basket.
“This job would be a whole lot easier if I actually did the laundry,” Will said to Georgiana, who was chewing on a toy in her crib. Will did a double take. The teddy that Elizabeth had bought for Georgiana was in her crib. He took it out and put it in the baby’s Take pile then went back to work on his own packing.
An hour later, the bags were in the car, Mrs. Reynolds had instructions for the day, the neighbours had a key to the house in case something went wrong, the lights were off, the doors and windows were locked, the birdbath was full, the birdfeeders were stocked up…. He thought he had everything. He put Georgiana in the carseat and strapped her in. Then he got in and drove down the lane away from the little house in the woods.
He drove to Jane’s house and pulled into the driveway.
She came out to meet him, holding Tobin.
“Are you going to be staying for a few minutes, or are you taking off immediately?” she asked.
“I’d prefer to get on the road as soon as possible.”
Jane nodded knowingly. She indicated him to follow her inside. He checked to make sure Georgiana would be fine for a couple of minutes, locked the car, then followed Jane.
She pointed to a box. “Can you fit that in your car? It’s just a bunch of odds and ends of hers I’d like to get out of my attic.”
“Sure. Just this?”
She nodded.
“Is Charles here?”
“No, he had to go in to the office this morning. But he says hello and said that he hoped you would enjoy yourself and relax for once up there.”
Will laughed, and picked up the large box. He put it in the trunk of his car and shut the lid with a little bit of force.
“Well, have a good trip. Don’t forget to stop every hour or so and check on Georgiana.”
“I will. Thank you.”
He kissed Jane’s cheek, squeezed Tobin’s small hand, and then got in his car. He waved as he pulled out of the drive. Jane waved Tobin’s hand back, smiling at him.
Will felt nervous at first as he got onto the highway. The fast drivers made him uneasy, and he kept checking in the rear-view mirror to see that Georgiana was okay. She seemed content to just look around and chew on her toy, her teddy beside her.
He put a CD of U2 on the radio, moving the sound to the front left speaker so it wouldn’t disturb the baby. He did his best not to think ahead to his reunion with Elizabeth. When he slipped and began thinking of it, he would start to imagine nightmarish sequences of events. Something along the lines of finding her completely different from how he remembered her, or saying something offensive from the start. “My! You’ve put on a lot of weight since I last saw you!”
Will groaned, impatient to get there. The five hours stretched before him seemed to be so long and Chicago so far away. He shifted frequently in his seat, trying to take his mind off of Chicago, Elizabeth, and the drive. He tried to think of business, to imagine Georgiana in one year, but invariably his mind would wander to Elizabeth. He wondered if Elizabeth would be with him to celebrate Georgiana’s first birthday, and his mind mused on the changes Elizabeth had brought to his business and how much nicer a place it was to work.
He stopped every now and then to get Georgiana out of her carseat and move her around. She seemed happy enough, only fussing a few times. He was able to continue driving when she was asleep, keeping to the speed limit and driving defensively.
Elizabeth had given him directions, which he followed to the best of his ability. He only got lost once before finding the building in which she lived. As he wandered around major streets downtown, Will fleetingly thought of his old friend from his fraternity days, Rick Fitzwilliam. Rick had gone on to law school while Will went to business school. The last he’d heard, Rick was practicing in some high-powered law firm in Chicago.
When Will found her building, he pulled parked on the street and got out. He left their things in the car as he picked up Georgiana, slung the baby bag over his shoulder, and with a deep breath, to the door. He pushed the intercom button for Apartment 23.
“Hello?”
“Hi, it’s Will.”
“Hey! Come on up.”
There was a buzzing noise and Will pulled open the front door. He went through the sparse lobby and climbed the two flights to the third floor.
He knocked on the door to her apartment, shifting Georgiana’s weight against him nervously. The door opened and there she was. She was smiling her sunny smile. It was contagious; he couldn’t help but smile in return. She looked a little different. Her curls were longer and pulled up on the top of her head in a messy bundle. She was thinner, the collarbones visible, protruding in contrast above the wide neckline of her soft green shirt.
He leaned forward and kissed her cheek in greeting. It was soft and warm to the touch. She reached forward and took Georgiana in her arms, kissing her and cuddling her.
Will felt a bit dazed, distant from himself as if he were watching the reunion from afar. Elizabeth put a warm hand around him to guide him into the apartment. She took the baby bag from him and put it down beside the door. She led the way into her living room.
Will looked around at her place. It reminded him of the glimpse he got of her old apartment in that it was messy. Not as messy, but he presumed she had made some effort in tidying it since there were piles of books, magazines, and papers off to the side as if hastily tidied away there.
“Will?”
He looked at her, stunned that she had been talking to him and he hadn’t heeded her.
“I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“I asked if you wanted something to drink.”
“No, I’m fine for right now.”
“Come and sit down.”
He sat down on a nice sofa. It had matching armchairs so he presumed this was the furniture she rented.
“I just can’t get over how much she’s grown!” exclaimed Elizabeth, cradling Georgiana in her arms.
Will didn’t say anything, content to just watch his daughter and Elizabeth interact.
“How was the drive up here?”
“Tedious.”
Elizabeth chuckled. “Illinois can be a bit dull to drive through, can’t it?”
“What, you mean you don’t like seeing cornfields and cow pastures as far as the eye can see for miles and miles?”
Elizabeth laughed again.
They sat and talked for half an hour, catching up on what they hadn’t said over the phone. Will was happy just to continue relaxing in this manner, but Elizabeth seemed eager to do something.
“There’s a park about a mile away from here if you wanted to walk there. But I’m sure you do enough walking in the woods around your house.”
“I don’t get to enough as I’d like. Let’s go to the park then. I have the baby sack in the car.”
Elizabeth returned Georgiana to Will as she went to go put on shoes and a coat.
Will checked, and found that it was time for a diaper change. “Can I use your bathroom to change Georgiana’s diaper?”
“Sure. It’s right there on the right.”
Will got the baby bag and took Georgiana into the bathroom. He used the toilet lid. He chatted to Georgiana, cooing down at her as he cleaned her and secured a new diaper on her. He wrapped the old one up in a plastic bag to be disposed of properly.
He dressed Georgiana in her warm jumpersuit, adding a pair of socks on her tiny feet to keep her warm enough.
Elizabeth was ready when he came out with a clean baby in his arms. She had changed from lounging-around-the-apartment sweatpants to jeans and a light blue woolen sweater with a high neck. She smiled at him. “Ready?”
Will nodded and went out of the apartment, waiting as Elizabeth locked the door behind her. They went down the stairs and out to his car. As he rummaged through the bag of Georgiana’s things, he remembered the box Jane had entrusted to him.
“Oh yeah. There’s a box from Jane for you in the trunk.”
“Really?”
“Don’t know what’s in it, but she said they were just a bunch of things she’d been meaning to give to you.”
“Huh. I wonder what’s in it.”
“We’ll find out when we come back.”
He got the baby sack out. “Do you want to carry her or shall I?”
“I’d like to if you don’t mind.”
“Why would I mind?” he laughed.
She put it on, and Will adjusted the straps to her size, all-too-conscious of her proximity. She smelled good. He wondered what it was. The shampoo she used? Perfume? Or just her laundry detergent? He nearly opened his mouth to ask her but realized what it would sound like.
When it was secure, Will settled Georgiana into it. Her legs dangled out of the holes in the bottom and she faced outwards to give her enough visual simulation to keep her interested. She was used to it and happy enough to sit for an hour, two at the most before she began to fidget.
They set out, walking along the sidewalk, silent at first. Then Will asked, “So tell me, what do you do with yourself when you’re not working?”
Elizabeth laughed a short laugh. “Rest.”
“Don’t you do things for leisure? Have you made friends in this city?”
“Yeah, sort of. Not close friends. But I go out with a few people every now and then to a movie or dinner or something.”
“Don’t you get lonely?”
“Sometimes.”
“Do you wish you could return to St Louis?”
She looked at him, as if trying to understand what he was really trying to say. “Sometimes.”
“Would you ever return?”
“Maybe someday.”
Will nodded.
There was a long silence as they continued walking leisurely along the sidewalk.
“It’s a nice place,” observed Will.
“I like it. Much better than my St Louis neighbourhood. And today is a particularly nice day.”
“What’s the weather normally like?”
“It can be stormy and windy sometimes. I’ve heard that the winters can be really cold.”
“I’ve heard that, too. Are you prepared?”
Elizabeth laughed and shook her head. “I don’t think so. I don’t know how to prepare exactly. I should probably ask some co-worker or one of my friends.”
There was another amiable silence. Elizabeth broke it by asking, “So tell me about the office. How is Mrs. Reynolds?”
“She’s fine. She did have a rough time at first. I would find her uncharacteristically staring off into space with a very sad look on her face sometimes. And other times, something would unexpectedly bring up some painful memory or something, and she would have to excuse herself for a few minutes. But the office was very loving and supportive. She often likes to go visit Georgiana on her own.”
“How is the nursery?”
“It’s going well. There are three other children there besides Georgiana, and a couple who are there just in the afternoons. Avni and Laura are really good with them.”
“Good. I’m glad that’s worked out well.”
“The office in general has continued improving like you had predicted.”
“And you haven’t slipped back into your Big Boss ways?” She sent him a teasing smile.
He returned it, and replied, “I don’t think so, no. But then I hadn’t noticed it before. Maybe you should return and do a post-consultancy test six months after you’ve worked your magic.”
Elizabeth laughed. “And find out how ineffective I can be? No, thanks!”
“No. See, if you did a pre-consultancy survey of the employees and then a survey six months after you’ve finished, I think you would find out how effective you can be.”
“Give me a major ego boost, huh?”
“Sure. And you could show it to that client as well as prospective clients to prove how good you are.”
Elizabeth seriously considered this idea for a few minutes. “It is a decent idea.”
“You sound surprised.”
“Well, surprised that it came from you, yes.”
“You were always so good to me.”
“Someone needed to keep your ego down to size.”
“You’re big on the ego, aren’t you?”
“Didn’t you know? I’m a disciple of Freud.”
“Except Freud doesn’t talk of the ego like you do.”
“Really?”
“See, Freud says that the Id is your carnal instincts.”
“Okay, and…?” prompted Elizabeth.
“And your Superego is your conscience. The Superego is basically society’s values and morals that tell you what is considered ‘right.’ Think of it like in the cartoons where the character has to make a decision and the devil appears on one shoulder and the angel on the other. The devil is the Id; the angel is the Superego.”
She laughed at him. “So what’s the ego?”
“Ah! The Ego is the one in between that is grounded in reality. It balances between the Id and the Superego and makes the decision.”
She looked at him in amused wonder. “How do you know this?”
“What? I didn’t think of it, Freud did,” Will replied, misunderstanding her.
“No, I mean, how do you know what Freud said?”
“I read it somewhere. In university I think.”
“What were you studying?”
“Psychology or maybe psychological theory or something.”
“You never cease to catch me off guard,” she replied with amazement still in her voice. “Do you actually believe Freud’s theories?”
Will chuckled. “Some of them. I hadn’t thought about him in ages. You just reminded me of him. Some of his other theories were about the stages of the individual.”
“Stages?”
“Yeah. A person, as a baby,” he indicated to Georgiana, “begins with an oral fixation. Georgiana is very much in that stage.” (Georgiana was, at this moment, sucking and drooling on her fist. She looked up at Will with innocent eyes.) “Then she goes through the anal stage.”
“What?!”
Will grinned at her. “Just think of how scandalous he was to the Victorians! Well, babies become fascinated with their feces-“
“Their poop.”
“Yes, their poop. And they play with it. But then their parents teach them that that’s bad. And this is the beginning of their socialization.”
“Okay….”
Will chuckled. “Do you want me to continue?”
She laughed a little. “Sure. I can’t believe you remember all of this from university.”
“Neither can I. I thought I would forget it as soon as I’d passed the exams, you know?” Will shrugged. “As the individual is potty trained and learns to control his or her bladder, the repression begins.”
“Repression?”
Will nodded. “Freud believed that every person was afflicted with repression. It was inevitable. Because if we let our Id go wild, we would destroy ourselves. So we have to repress our carnal lusts and instincts. But if you repress it too much, like the Victorians had a tendency of doing, then it leads to hysteria – or so he thought. He studied a lot of hysterical middle/upper class ladies.”
“Are you saying that women are hysterical?” Elizabeth challenged, teasingly.
“No, just that a high percentage of middle to upper class women of the Victorian age were hysterical. May I continue?”
She nodded, shifting the straps a little on her shoulders to be more comfortable. She looked attractive with small wisps of curls blowing in the breeze and rosy cheeks.
“Then the individual goes through other stages, but I can’t remember what they were exactly. I do remember the Oedipus complex.”
“I’ve vaguely heard of it.”
“Yeah, well, basically he says that all daughters fall in love with their father and want to kill their mother, while all sons fall in love with their mother and want to kill their father. To combat the instinct to kill their parent, they idolize them.”
“You’re joking.”
“Nope. Of course, a lot of this was based on his personal experience to some extent.”
“Do people actually take him seriously?”
“They pick and choose. He did do a lot for the study of psychology.”
“Like what?” she challenged.
“You think I don’t know?”
“I’m testing you to see exactly how much useless information you remembered about this.”
Will smiled back at her. “He was a pioneer in the study of the unconscious. That’s now a common belief. And haven’t you ever used the term Freudian slip?”
She nodded.
“He also did a lot in the area of dream interpretation. His premise was that nothing is ever accidental. All dreams have meanings, even if they’re from some repressed, unconscious memory from childhood.”
“He’s kind of depressing.”
“In some ways he was more optimistic than other theorists of his day.”
“Will!” she exclaimed. “Do you do nerdy reading in your spare time?!”
Will laughed at her. “No.”
“Or should I interpret this conversation to have some underlying meaning.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. I’m not a Freudian psychoanalyst.”
“You read into it whatever you wish.”
They reached the park and wandered through the paths. “Shall we find the children’s playground?” asked Elizabeth.
“You want to have a go on the swings?” Will teased.
“Of course! If you’re too grown-up and stuffy to join me, then fine. Georgiana and I will enjoy ourselves on our own.”
“I have nothing against swings as long as I won’t break them.”
Elizabeth chuckled. “That’s a funny mental picture.”
It was in the middle of fall and the leaves were brilliant colours of red, yellow, and green. One maple tree looked positively neon green in the sunlight.
“It’s such a beautiful time of year,” Elizabeth sighed, gazing at the foliage. She kicked some leaves up off the path, watching them scatter from her.
Will just enjoyed watching her. Elizabeth picked a bright red leaf off of a tree and held it in front of Georgiana. She reached out for it, clenching it in her fist and automatically bringing it to her mouth.
“No, no. Not for eating.” Elizabeth pried the leaf from Georgiana’s tiny fist and tossed the sadly crumpled leaf aside.
They reached the children’s playground and found a couple of swings to sit on. Will sat still and watched Elizabeth gently swinging and watching Georgiana’s reaction. She seemed a little confused at first, but then looked like she was enjoying the sensation of flying.
Will felt very content and tranquil. He found himself wishing he could hold time still. He didn’t want to return to St Louis where it was just him and his daughter.
Elizabeth had to ruin the moment by asking him, “Have you seen much of Caroline?”
Will’s face clouded over. “No.”
“Has she seen Georgiana?”
“She came once. I don’t like her visiting Georgiana, though.”
“Why not? She’s her mother.”
“I guess…. I don’t know. I think I’m afraid of her seeing how wonderful Georgiana is and wanting to take her away from me.”
“But she can’t.”
“Well, it’s debatable. I’m afraid that if she really wanted her, she could at least gain a lot more access to her. Like have her every other weekend or something.”
“Is that so bad?”
“I guess I just don’t trust her with my daughter.”
“That’s a bit harsh,” Elizabeth replied gently.
“I know. But… she hasn’t taken care of her before. What if Georgiana was crying? I doubt Caroline would know what to do. What if she got frustrated and treated Georgiana meanly? I wouldn’t be there to protect her.”
Will felt afraid just imagining it. He held his arms out to take her. Elizabeth undid the baby sack and handed Georgiana to him, a look of compassion on her face.
Will held his daughter to his shoulder and rubbed her back, kissing her cheek gently.
Elizabeth seemed to hesitate, then say, “While I understand your fears, I still think you should try and consider Georgiana’s need for a mother.”
“When Georgiana is older, I’ll feel more comfortable about it.”
Elizabeth refrained from saying anything more on the subject.
Soon, they began to meander back to the apartment. Elizabeth helped him bring his things in from the car, and Will went back for the box of things Jane had sent.
While Georgiana was put down to nap in Elizabeth’s bedroom, Elizabeth opened the box. Will sat down to watch as she pulled the things out one by one.
“Oh, look! This is a painting my grandfather did when he was a young man. I always loved it as a child and so my father eventually gave it to me. But Jane’s been keeping it safe for me.”
She handed it to Will who looked at it more closely. It was a delicate watercolour of a quiet harbour with sailing boats moored in the still waters. It was serene and beautiful. He could appreciate why Elizabeth would like it so much. The frame was a good one, too. A dark, wooden, thick frame that enhanced the painting. He set it beside his chair and watched as she pulled out several smaller items.
“These are some of her old cooking utensils she’s giving me since she knows I won’t go out and spend the money on them. And… oh my gosh! I didn’t know she had this!”
Will leaned forward to look. All he could see was a tattered old book.
Elizabeth laughed. “It’s my diary from when I was in high school.”
This intrigued Will. He nonchalantly held his hand out to look, but she held it back possessively. “I don’t think so! You’re not looking at this!”
“What’s in it that you would be so defensive about it?”
“Just the normal growing secrets of a young girl. Not for the likes of you.”
“I am deeply offended.”
“I don’t care,” she retorted, setting the book carefully aside.
There was nothing else exciting. Jane had baked some of Elizabeth’s favourite cookies and put them in a nice tin. Elizabeth shared them with Will while she put away the things in the box.
“How do you live in such a messy place?” asked Will teasingly.
“It’s not that messy,” she replied, defensively. “I know where everything is.”
Will shook his head.
That evening, they went out to a restaurant. It wasn’t too fancy since they had Georgiana with them. She sat in her highchair while Will attempted to feed her, occasionally grabbing a bite for himself. Elizabeth was fascinated with the whole process.
“The novelty soon wears off, don’t worry,” Will told her dryly.
After Georgiana was put to sleep, Will and Elizabeth watched a rented movie. Then she lent him some pillows and a blanket to sleep on the couch and retired to her bedroom.
Will woke in the middle of the night several times. Each occasion he could see the light on in her bedroom. On the second time, he got up and knocked softly on her door.
“Yes?”
He opened it. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed, holding a bunch of papers in one hand, pen in the other, and looking up at him over spectacles that perched on the end of her nose.
“Is something wrong?” she asked, when Will hadn’t said anything.
“Oh, uh, not really. Don’t you ever sleep?”
“Of course I do.”
“When??”
“When I need to. When I’m tired.”
“Elizabeth,” he sighed. “I thought you said your insomnia was improving.”
“It did.”
“And?”
“I sleep a little bit more at night and I don’t fall asleep so much during the day.”
“This can’t be good for you.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, Elizabeth. You’re not. You can’t continue like this. You’re going to burn out at age 30.”
“What do you suggest I do?”
“See somebody, take sleeping pills, just something!”
“Thanks for the advice. When I need it, I’ll be sure to ask for it,” she replied acidly.
Will sighed in exasperation, leaning against her doorframe. Elizabeth’s irritated look dissipated. She took her glasses off and asked, “Did you want something?”
“I came to check on Georgie and to see if you were awake or had just fallen asleep with the light on.”
“She’s been fine. Charming to watch in her sleep. You can sleep easy. If she needs something I can attend to her.”
“All right. Are you going to sleep at all?”
“Hopefully.”
Will nodded gravely. “Good night, then.”
The following day, they decided to go to Lincoln Park Zoo. Will couldn’t remember the last time he had been to one. He knew that St Louis had a famous zoo, but couldn’t recall visiting it. He thought of taking an older Georgiana to it, though.
Wandering around looking at all the exotic animals with Elizabeth and Georgiana was truly enjoyable for him. Again, it was a pleasant day for being outside. They walked around visiting all the different areas, exhibits and habitats. At midday they stopped for lunch outside on a patio. Georgiana fell asleep around 3 in the afternoon so they left the zoo and wandered around Lincoln Park beside Lake Michigan. As darkness approached, they returned home.
Will had expressed a keen interest in her consultancy during their walk around the park, so when they got home, Elizabeth showed him some of the projects she was working on.
Elizabeth cooked supper that evening, opting on something simple to guarantee that they would be able to eat that night. Will fed Georgiana while Elizabeth pottered around the kitchen. He only got two globs of baby food in his eye and hair. The rest ended up dribbled down Georgiana’s bib and a little made it into her mouth.
After Georgiana was put to bed, Elizabeth and Will had supper. It was a relatively quiet meal. Will was somewhat contemplative – brooding.
Elizabeth suggested that they play cards, so they continued to sit around the kitchen table for several more hours, playing different card games and casually chatting. It was a relaxing, comfortable environment.
Since Will would be driving the following day, they ended their evening early. Elizabeth retreated to her bedroom to work while Will lay wide awake on the sofa thinking. By midnight he had come to a decision, but it still took him another hour to fall asleep.
The following morning, Will made pancakes while Elizabeth attempted to feed Georgiana.
“How do you get her to eat anything?” cried Elizabeth in exasperation.
Will laughed at her. “Patience, ingenuity, skill… everything I have that you don’t.”
She shot him a withering look.
They spent a leisurely morning together before Will packed up his and Georgiana’s things, stowing them in the car.
He was nervous again. He was tempted to just forget it all and go home. But he had come to a decision and was going to go through with it.
When everything and Georgiana were in the car, Will paused to speak to Elizabeth. She seemed to sense that he was going to say something for she waited, looking at him expectantly.
“Why don’t you come back to St Louis?”
“Why would I do that?”
“Well… because I … I need you. I miss you.” He looked at her. She didn’t react. She just continued looking at him with those piercing green eyes he loved so much. “Come back and live with me.”
“What would I do?”
“Couldn’t you continue your consulting job there?”
She looked away from him to her feet for a few seconds. Then she looked out across the parking lot to the neighbourhood across the street. “Will…” she sighed. “You don’t know what you’re asking of me.”
“What do you mean?”
A look of pain filled her face. She covered it with one hand for a few seconds. “Will, I’m not doing this. I won’t be your rebound.”
Will’s face registered hurt and confusion.
“You don’t want me, Will. You just want someone to fill that void of loneliness left by Caroline. I can’t handle that. We’ve both messed up one marriage. I don’t want to mess up another relationship.”
Will felt crushed. He hadn’t expected her to reply like this. Maybe he could have imagined her saying she really couldn’t leave her consultancy in Chicago, but… this was something else.
He looked away, trying to digest what she was saying. “I … I’m insulted-“ he broke off, unable to continue.
“I care about you and Georgiana so much. But I’m like her aunt, not her mother.”
“So, you’re saying no because you don’t want take care of a baby all the time.”
“No, I’m saying no because I’m not going to be your rebound.” Her tone was firmer this time. “I think it is good for you to have time to yourself with Georgiana. It’s too soon after your marriage to be looking elsewhere.”
“And you know everything, don’t you?” he replied, bitterly.
“No. But you’re not seeing straight.”
“I’m not? You’re the hypocrite.”
“What?”
“Look at yourself! You never sleep. You’re killing yourself and don’t do anything about it. Why can’t you sleep, Elizabeth? What keeps you awake at night?”
“That’s none of your business.”
Will’s temper continued to rise. “All I’m saying is that you can’t pass judgment on me when your own life is so messed up.”
“You think my life is messed up?”
“You live alone and work all the time. You say you have friends but haven’t mentioned any by name. How much of a life are you living?”
“Shut up, Will. Just shut up before you say something you’ll really regret. In fact, why don’t you just go? I really enjoyed your company this weekend. Have a safe trip back.”
“Fine. Bye.”
Will sank into his car and slammed the door shut. He checked to make sure Georgiana was secure in the backseat out of habit before he backed out of the parking space. He only glanced at Elizabeth once. She was standing with an upset expression on her face, gnawing her lip, her arms folded across her chest.
Will had way too long to muse over the weekend on the long drive home. He was careful driving, though. Elizabeth’s parting words reminded him not to let his temper affect his driving.
He went through phases. He was very, very angry at her first. Angry at what she insinuated, angry at what she said, angry at himself, angry at the world… angry at that f-ing driver who just cut him off!! Then he was bitter. And finally, he was just very, very depressed.
He remained so for days. Mrs. Reynolds noticed it and asked enough questions to ascertain the source of his depression. Only the need to care for Georgiana kept him going. At work, he was merely going through the motions.
He didn’t return Charles’ calls for a week. Finally, it got to the point where Charles found his office and came by during one lunch period.
“We’ve got to talk, Will,” said an unusually grave Charles.
“No, thanks.”
“You don’t have a choice in the matter.”
“Could we talk later? This is normally my time with Georgiana.”
“She can survive without you for one day. Come on. Let’s go out.”
“Look! I don’t want to talk! I don’t know what Elizabeth said to you, but I just don’t want to discuss it.”
“Elizabeth? What does she have to do with this?”
“What has she said to you?”
“Nothing out of the ordinary. Did something happen between you two when you were up there?”
Will didn’t reply.
“I was just wondering why you’ve been ignoring me.”
Still, Will didn’t say anything.
“Now we really are going to talk.”
“Charles,” Will sighed.
“We can do it here, if you like. I just thought you would want to get out of the office and possible prying ears. I’m not leaving without you until you’ve talked.”
Will bowed his head, cradling it in his hands. He stood up suddenly. “Fine!”
Charles almost visibly cowed in the face of Will’s temper. He followed Will out of the office, noticing the worried and fearful looks on the faces of Will’s employees.
Neither spoke until they were out of the office building, and even then, it was only to ask where they should go. They decided on the TGI Fridays that was just down the road.
Only when they were seated did Charles begin to dig away at Will’s hard outer shell.
“What happened up in Chicago?”
“Nothing. Just had a nice time with Elizabeth.”
“Why are you in a black mood?”
“I’m not.”
“That’s BS, Will. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Will resisted and evaded telling Charles through the whole main course. Only once they were eating dessert did Will finally break down and tell Charles what Elizabeth had said… more or less.
Charles was solemnly silent for several minutes. Finally, he said, “Maybe she has a point.”
This was not what Will wanted to hear.
“But consider this from her point of view. She’s already had one failed marriage, she isn’t emotionally stable herself.”
Will looked up in surprise at this. “What do you mean?”
“Didn’t you know? Didn’t you ever notice it?”
“Notice what?”
“She tends to be either really high or really low.”
Will was confused. “She’s normal whenever I’ve seen her.”
“Really? Well maybe she only talks to Jane when she’s either really high or really low. Hmm.” Charles considered this for a few moments, then continued. “Anyway. She’s just really in a fragile state. You asked her to give up her consultancy and move back in with you. I don’t blame her for saying no.”
“Saying no is one thing. Saying what she did is another.”
“True, but I still think it has some validity.”
“You do, do you?”
“You want her to move in because you’re lonely, right?”
Will looked at Charles as if he was crazy. “No! I asked her because I love her!”
Both Will and Charles looked really stunned by the outburst. Will sank his head into his hand, leaning on the table.
“Whoa, man!” exclaimed Charles.
There was a long silence as each man digested what was said. Finally, Charles asked, “Did you tell her that?”
“No.”
“Well why the hell not??”
“I didn’t think it mattered. I thought she knew. I didn’t know. I don’t know why.” Will was mumbling incoherently.
“Look,” Charles said. “Why don’t you just try not thinking about her for a while?”
“You don’t think I didn’t try that already?” snapped Will.
“Maybe this is just because Elizabeth is the first woman you’ve really been with after your marriage ended. Why don’t you try dating other women?”
“It’s been years since I’ve been on the dating scene, Charles,” sighed Will. “Besides, what would I do with Georgiana?”
“You could leave her with us. Or you could do things with her.”
“A nice romantic dinner at McDonalds, huh?”
“Not necessarily. A picnic in the park.”
Will winced. No, the park was certainly a No for a date with any other woman.
“I’ll set one up for you. You can come over to my house and leave from there.”
“Charles, I really don’t think so.”
“Give it a try. At least then you can tell Elizabeth that you tried other relationships and they didn’t work out.”
“You don’t think she’s going to consider me shallow for this?”
“Who knows what women think? Come on; just give it a few attempts.”
Wearied beyond belief, Will gave in. He just wanted to go to the nursery and play with Georgiana. It seemed like life was so simple with her. She was so pure and artless.
Charles paid for their lunch and said goodbye to Will outside of his office building after extracting a promise to return his calls.
A week later, Mrs. Reynolds gave him an envelope with a hand-written address. He tossed it aside to read later, but Mrs. Reynolds gently said, “I think you may want to read it now.”
When Will looked up at her quizzically, she added, “Just a guess,” then returned to her desk outside of his office.
He stared after her for a few moments, then picked up the envelope. He looked at the return address then quickly tore it open, his heart beginning to pound.
Dear Will, the letter began. That was a good beginning, right? He was dear to her. He read on.
I did some research on this Freud guy. I confess, I didn’t entirely believe everything you said. Not only did I verify that you were correct about Freud’s crack-pot theories, but I also found something that applied directly to you. I assume you are not aware of Nancy Chodorow. Basically, she asks the question, Why do women do the mothering in our society? By ‘mothering’ she does not mean reproduction, but rather the nurturing and rearing. Some women go farther in saying that women mother men in all different facets of society, by caring for their bosses, being waitresses and nurses, caring for their husbands…. She doesn’t place a judgment on this and say it is bad for women to be filling these roles in society, but rather she wonders why men don’t ‘mother’. Mothering is not linked to biology. Once the children are born, they do not need to be taken care of by their biological mother. Mothering is a social role. It’s not instinct for the mother to care more than a man. Studies have shown that men and women react similarly to infants’ cries and smiles. Even in the animal kingdom, males will often care for an infant when it is alone. Women who are separated from their children do not form that same affection for them. It can therefore be assumed that Caroline will not have the same attachment as a woman who has been in constant contact with their offspring. So the mothering role is learned. Chodorow goes on to say that because our mothers have raised us, we learn that mothering is a female thing, and so it is reproduced generation after generation. Georgiana, having been raised by just a father, will not automatically assume that it is the woman who does the mothering since you have raised her just fine. So you see, there is nothing that says you cannot raise Georgiana as good as, or better, than a woman.Now if you ever come into difficulty explaining your role as the prime caretaker, you can point to a feminist PhD from the University of California - Berkeley who supports what you do! I have edited her theories just a bit. She goes on to expand the Electra complex and build on it. But I found it very interesting to encounter a theory like that which applied to your concerns about taking care of Georgiana.
Will, while happy that she seemed to want to remain friends with him, was still bitterly disappointed at the missive. It brought back anew the depressing emotions from that fateful Sunday in Chicago. He was also at a loss of how to continue. Was this her sign of saying to ignore it and move on? Was the start of a more distant friendship soon to die out? He folded up the letter and put it back in the envelope, but stopped when he saw a second note in the envelope. He took it out and read it.
I was going to just send that letter and be done with it. But I decided I would not ignore the gulf that now exists between us. I am very sorry for what happened, ending a really lovely, enjoyable weekend on a very sad note. I did become angry, partly because your accusations were right to some degree. I do not have a real network of friends, I do overwork myself and I do have a problem with this insomnia. Having failed at marriage, I don’t want to fail at the other big thing in my life – my career. I want to be successful at something. I work myself so hard partly to achieve this success, but also to delude myself into thinking that I don’t have any friends because I work too much. And you have no idea the amount of rationalizing I do about my insomnia. I am a classic case of Denial. Having set out to make a go of it in Chicago, I don’t want to give in and go scurrying back to St Louis where I can find comfort and love in the people there. I want to prove to myself that I am independent and can do this! I cannot, on the other hand, ignore what you said. Therefore, I have come to the decision to see someone about my insomnia and get help. No, not a Freudian psychoanalyst! A normal person who will not accuse me of penis envy!! (See? I did do some research on him, just in case you didn’t believe me) I have said what I needed to say, so I shall say good bye. Give my love to Georgiana.Elizabeth Bennet
This was a little better. She didn’t seem to blame him. But then what did ‘good bye’ mean? He buried his face in his hands, feeling like he was slowly being drawn through a black hole, becoming completely disintegrated into particles. He sat there for several minutes digesting and overanalyzing her words. He was not allowed this luxury for too long before Mrs. Reynolds came in to discuss another business letter that had come in with Elizabeth’s letter.
Chapter 11
Posted on Friday, 4 June 2004
By the time snow was falling on the ground, Will’s life revolved around work and Georgiana. They celebrated her first Christmas quietly together, then the New Year. There were several days when Will couldn’t get out onto the main road and had to remain at home. Then spring came, bringing with it a new flock of birds to the birdfeeder and bright flowers in the garden. Will attempted to educate himself in the ways of gardening and to keep the flowers alive. He was somewhat successful.
He would occasionally hear of Elizabeth through Jane and Charles or from Mrs. Reynolds, but he never had any direct contact with her. He never forgot her. Indeed, she seemed to be constantly in his thoughts. He had given up trying not to think of her long ago, resigned to the fact that he would constantly ache for her.
Will never ceased to be amazed at how quickly Georgiana grew and developed. He couldn’t believe it when her first birthday came around. He invited Jane, Charles, Tobin, the other children from the nursery and their parents who worked in Will’s company, Avni and Laura from the nursery, and Mrs. Reynolds to a party held in Georgiana’s honour. He had sort of issued an invitation to Elizabeth via Jane, but hadn’t expected her to come. Elizabeth had sent a gift for Georgiana, however. The birthday party went well and then it was back to the grind.
Will did take a couple weeks of holiday on separate occasions, but just spent them at home with Georgiana, making a couple of changes to the house. Summer ended and the trees around Will’s home turned brilliant colours. He was at this time painfully reminded of his visit to Chicago, but refused to let it dampen his spirits too much. He took Georgiana on walks through the woods. She seemed to love being outside in the forest that surrounded their home. She liked bending over and picking up the leaves and giving them to her father. Will wondered if she remembered Elizabeth at these times.
Winter descended early and heavily. Will had been snowed in for the second time by early December.
Georgiana was in the back room in her playpen, happily content with her toys while Will was doing the dishes from their lunch and the previous evening’s dinner. He liked looking out of the window above the kitchen sink to the mystical world outside. The snow was steadily drifting down; no wind disturbed its descent. Already, several inches lay on the ground. Putting a pot onto the drying pan, Will looked out of the window again, then froze.
Fleetingly, he wondered if he had either slipped and fallen on the kitchen floor, and this was now an illusion or a dream; or that maybe an angel was coming to visit him. A figure, so familiar yet so distant, was walking towards the house through the snow. It was a surreal sight. She had on a scarlet sweater beneath her long, black, woolen overcoat that billowed out around her as she strode towards the house. Her fashionable, high-heeled boots sank into the snow with assurance of their destination. He couldn’t see her face that well for the snow; the snowflakes adorned her curls and coat. She looked such an incredibly beautiful sight.
Will, dumbfounded, walked to the front door to decide once and for all whether he was hallucinating or not. He opened the door and stood on the top step in silence, watching her approach.
She smiled a small, embarrassed smile. When she had reached the steps, she stopped. “Hello, Will.”
“Hi.” He couldn’t think. For the life of him, he was unable to put a coherent thought together. “Uh… what are you doing here?” he finally asked, then realized how that sounded. It hadn’t been what he’d intended to say. He’d intended to say something suave and composed.
She looked down, her hands, sheathed in black leather gloves, clenching and unclenching in one of her nervous habits. “I came to see you. My car couldn’t make it up your driveway. I thought the snowstorm was a sign that I wasn’t meant to come. But Madeline kept pushing me onward.”
Will was even more confused. “You have a car?”
“I do have a car, yes.”
Will suddenly realized that the front door was wide open, letting in the freezing air and snow; that his hands, still dripping soapy dishwater, were now numb; and that Elizabeth would also be cold.
“Um. Excuse me.”
He went inside, leaving the door open, and dried off his hands in the kitchen. He took a few deep breaths, trying to still his rapidly beating heart. He looked down at himself. He looked a mess. He had dressed for a lounging-around-the-house day.
He decided to go and change. He went out of the kitchen. Then feeling a freezing draft, he realized the front door was still open. When he went to close it, he saw Elizabeth walking away. Panic.
“Wait, Elizabeth!” he called and ran out to her. He caught her arm and turned her to him, oblivious of his bare feet in the snow.
“I’m sorry. This was a mistake. I’ll leave you now.”
“No, what?” Will’s brow furrowed in confusion and desperation. “Come inside. I’m just a little absentminded this morning.”
“You mean afternoon?” she said, with a lift of one eyebrow.
Ah. That was a good sign.
Then she saw he was barefoot. “Will! Good grief! Go inside!”
“I’ll go if you go.”
She looked vaguely exasperated, but indicated that he should lead the way. Will, whose feet were by now feeling distinctly painful once his original panic had dissipated somewhat, still walked manfully back into the house, wiping his feet gingerly on the mat in the hall. Elizabeth did follow him into the house, closing the door behind her.
“Have a seat in the living room in front of the fire. I’m just going to … um… change.”
He dashed off and up the stairs to his room. He tore through his closet, trying to find something nice, but not like he was really trying to impress her. Finally, he settled on a pair of khaki slacks and a woolen sweater.
He calmly walked downstairs and, checking that Georgiana was happy in her playpen, went to sit in the living room. He was relieved to see her sitting by the fire in an armchair. When changing, he had briefly wondered if she really was in his house.
“I’m sorry I’ve been a little bit… odd. Can I take your coat?”
He was a little nervous that she still had it on. Maybe by getting her to take her outer layers off, he could be more convinced that she was here to stay for a little while at least.
She stood and he helped her out of her overcoat, taking her gloves and scarf, putting them on a hook in the hall. He returned, saying, “Can I make you some coffee, tea, hot cocoa?”
“Some tea would be lovely, thanks.”
He went into the kitchen, hurrying around getting mugs, the kettle on the boil, and the teabags he recalled she preferred. While he had this time to collect his thoughts together, he made the decision to show her, if he had the chance, that she did mean something more to him than just Georgiana’s babysitter.
He returned to the living room with the drinks, setting them on the side tables, then added a couple more logs onto the fire. Finally, he was able to sink into the opposite armchair.
It seemed like neither one knew where to start.
Finally, Will asked the lame question, “How have you been?”
“Okay,” she replied. “And you?”
“Fine.”
“Good.”
They lapsed into another awkward silence.
“I like what you’ve done to the place,” Elizabeth eventually said.
“Thank you. It was mostly your sister’s doing.”
“I like it a lot.”
“You do have similar tastes to your sister. Speaking of which, have you been with her? They hadn’t told me you were visiting this early.”
“Oh, no, I haven’t been there. I came straight here.”
“I see.” Will didn’t know how to interpret this.
“Where’s Georgiana?” asked Elizabeth.
“She’s in the back room playing.”
“She must be so big by now.”
“She’ll be a year and a half in a few days.”
“Wow,” she said softly. “I can’t imagine.”
Will had hoped to have this time alone with her, so he didn’t offer to bring Georgiana in yet. If Elizabeth asked to see her, then he would do so; but still, he’d hoped to talk first. There were too many things to be communicated between the two of them. Like why she was here, for example.
Elizabeth seemed to agree, for she didn’t ask to see Georgie.
Another long, uneasy silence engulfed them, both sipping their drinks and staring at the fire, around the room, anywhere but at each other.
Finally, Will decided to act on the resolve he’d made in the kitchen. “I’ve missed you,” he said.
“I’ve missed you, too,” she replied, with a hint of sadness in her voice.
Will was inordinately pleased to hear that she had also missed him. He’d been living under the assumption that she had forgotten him and moved on, maybe occasionally remembering Georgiana.
“How long are you here?”
“I don’t know,” she replied. “My goal is to stay until after the New Year, but there’s a chance I may get called back to Chicago before then. Hopefully not.”
“It will be dangerous for you to drive to Jane and Charles’ house by now. You’re welcome to stay here.” Will tried to phrase it as an invitation even though there was nowhere else she could conceivably go.
“Thank you. I’ll have to get my things out of my car on the road before dark, then.”
“I’ll help.”
“Thanks.”
They seemed to be at an impasse. Will didn’t know exactly what was unsaid between them. But he did want to know why she had come so unexpectedly. He eventually asked her, “Why have you come?”
She sighed.
Hurriedly, Will said, “I don’t mean to imply that you’re unwelcome in any way. This is just unexpected.”
“Sorry.”
“No, no. Don’t apologise.”
“I think I told you – in that letter to you – that I intended to get help. You know, about my sleeping problem.” Will was about to interrupt to say that it was a little bit more than just a ‘sleeping problem,’ but refrained, letting her continue. “I tried several different people, but I didn’t like them. Eventually, I found Madeline.”
“I remember you mentioning her outside.”
“Yes. Well… she has been wonderful. She’s a warm, calm strength. A little bit like Jane in that sense, but Maddy is a lot firmer. She doesn’t have any qualms about bluntly saying how things are and what I have to do to change them. And we’ve been working together for nearly a year now on improving my life. No, that sounds silly. I mean improving my quality of life – reducing my stress, allowing me to sleep better, etc. And uh… she is the one who is making me come here.”
Will’s hopes plummeted. She was here because her psychiatrist was telling her to, not of her own volition.
“And though I’ve wanted to visit for a long time,” Elizabeth continued, raising his hopes again, “I didn’t have the courage to. Madeline finally kicked me up the backside and essentially evicted me from Chicago. Every hour or so on the drive here I would call and complain, but she wouldn’t hear of it.” Elizabeth looked thoroughly sheepish.
“Well, I’m really glad you’ve come. And I’m glad you weren’t stuck out in the storm.”
Elizabeth laughed a little. “Yes. I’ve come just in time to get snowed in.”
Just then, a call came from the back room. “Da!!”
Will smiled. “That’s Georgiana.”
“Good grief, she talks!??”
“Of course. Come on. She’s probably heard you and is demanding to know what’s going on in her house.”
Will led her to the long back room dominated by the windows. It was an amazing sight with all of the snow falling in a world of white. The soft glow from outside was more than sufficient to light the entire room. At the opposite end from the door, Georgiana stood in her playpen, leaning against it watching her father and a strange woman come in.
Will bent down and scooped her out of the playpen, swooping her in the air, before settling her in his arms.
“Georgie, do you remember Elizabeth? Can you say hello?”
Elizabeth and Georgiana looked at each other with equal wonder. Will saw Elizabeth’s face of awe and smiled at her, proud of his daughter.
“Hi,” said Elizabeth.
Georgiana didn’t hide her face in her father’s shoulder like she usually did. Instead, she just stared at Elizabeth with wide, brown eyes.
“Aren’t you going to say hello?” asked Will, jiggling her a little.
“Hiee,” she said softly, chewing her fore and middle fingers.
Will kissed her soft, brown curls.
“What did you want?” Will asked Georgiana.
Georgie didn’t answer, but instead continued to stare at Elizabeth.
“Shall we play with your toys together?” suggested Will.
Georgie looked up at him, still not saying anything.
Will kneeled and set his daughter down. From her short height, Georgie stared up at Elizabeth. Elizabeth knelt down to Georgiana’s height, then decided to sit.
“Can you say ‘Elizabeth’?”
“Probably not,” chuckled Will. “Why don’t you show her your toys? Which ones are your favourite toys?”
Georgie turned toward the playpen. Will unlocked it and opened one side for her. Georgiana toddled in, grabbed a couple of her toys then brought them out, dumped them in Elizabeth’s lap, went back for another couple, and dumped them in Elizabeth’s lap. Elizabeth laughed, her hands full.
Then Georgiana came back clutching a teddy bear with both arms.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” exclaimed Elizabeth, recognizing the bear as the one that she had given Georgiana those many months ago.
“She never goes anywhere without it,” Will said, observing his daughter’s uncharacteristic behaviour with Elizabeth from his position leaning against the wall.
Elizabeth looked up at him, her face still in shock.
“Tehbeh,” said Georgiana. Georgiana handed the teddy bear to Elizabeth. “Tehbeh.”
“That’s her name for him. It means teddy bear.”
Elizabeth took the bear from the toddler. “Thank you.”
Georgiana took a dog on wheels from Elizabeth’s lap, and proceeded to wheel it along the carpeted floor.
Elizabeth looked at the well-loved bear in her hands. Then she looked at Will and said, “She’s such a beautiful girl, Will.”
“She is,” Will agreed, his chest near bursting with love and pride.
“She does you credit.”
“Georgie was always a good-natured child. I don’t think I had much to do with that.”
“No. You can’t have had no influence on her.”
“I’m not saying I didn’t influence her. I’m just saying that her good behaviour is not from my influence.”
Elizabeth laughed. “You are too modest. You should take some of the credit and be proud of her.”
“Oh, I am proud of her to the extreme. Don’t worry. I play well the role of the insufferably proud parent who believes their child is better than all the rest.”
“I can believe it,” she chuckled.
Will knelt down and said, “Come here, Georgie.”
She wheeled her wooden dog back to him. “Can you give me a kiss?” asked Will.
She leant over and pecked him on the cheek. Will returned it, then asked, “Can you give Elizabeth a kiss?” indicating to her. Will didn’t know if she would do this.
But Georgiana did walk over to Elizabeth, climbing onto her leg in order to peck Elizabeth’s cheek. “Thank you,” said Elizabeth, and kissed the child on her forehead.
Georgiana promptly sat down in Elizabeth’s lap and began to play with the toys that had been piled there.
For the next hour, the three of them interacted with each other. Elizabeth seemed like she couldn’t get over the change in Georgiana. Will was merely enjoying being with the two most important people in his life for the first time in too long. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so content.
Elizabeth seemed more relaxed than she had been by the fire earlier. Finally, it was time for Georgiana’s naptime.
“Come on, darling. It’s time for bed. Say goodnight to Elizabeth.”
“Nie nie.”
“Night, night,” Elizabeth replied.
Will held her against his hip as he walked upstairs with her to their bedroom. He laid her down in her crib, pulling her blankets up tightly. “Good night, my love. Sleep tight.”
He closed the door and walked downstairs. Elizabeth was picking up the toys from around the room, putting them in the cubbies where all Georgie’s toys appeared to belong.
“I was thinking it would be good to go and get your things now.”
“Is it all right leaving Georgiana alone?”
“I have a baby monitor that can span the distance all right. I’ll just go and get my boots and outer gear on.”
Ten minutes later they were both trudging through the snow. It had lessened a little in the last hour but was still accumulating and was forecast to continue for most of the evening.
As they walked, Will asked her, “How is your consulting job going?”
“It’s taken off. I have my pick of clients; I’m in high demand up there.”
This was not what Will wanted to hear. Still, he said, “Congratulations. Looks like the hard work paid off.”
“Yeah, I guess.” She didn’t sound convinced.
“You don’t think it’s paid off?”
“I often wonder if it’s worth the price I’ve paid.”
“Do you need to learn the same lesson I had to learn about putting Georgiana before work?”
“Sort of.”
They reached the car. It was a symbol of her newfound success. “This is nice.”
“Thanks.”
The car was a soft blue Acura. She unlocked it and popped the trunk open. She slung her laptop case on her shoulder while Will took the suitcase out of the trunk. Elizabeth shut it, locked the car, and walked after Will.
“Hang on. Do you think the car will be okay there?”
“Sure. We all do it every now and then.”
“What, leave your cars on the side of the road?”
“Yeah. When you can’t get in the driveway, you just park at the road and walk it.”
“How have you liked living here?” she asked.
“It’s been wonderful. A really beautiful place that I love coming home to. I don’t get to walk as much as I’d like since I can take Georgiana only so far.”
“I noticed how many birds visit your feeders.”
Will nodded. “I like to keep the feeders really full in the winter when it’s harder for them to find food. I never cease to enjoy watching them. The cardinals look particularly beautiful as the only colour in a wintry world. This year I’ve actually seen an unusual number of red-headed woodpeckers. They’re small ones. We often get the red-bellied ones. But not the red-headed. And then in the spring, there is a period of a few days when there are robins everywhere. It seems like we’re a migration pit stop and these thousands of noisy birds are everywhere. But yes, I do love living here. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”
“Good. It does seem like an idyllic place.”
They entered the house and Will set her suitcase by the door in the hall so he could clear out the guest bedroom and tidy it.
“Can I help with something while you do that?” asked Elizabeth.
“If you want, you can start supper going.”
“Sure, what do you want me to do?”
“Can you start peeling the potatoes? They should be in the corner cupboard.”
She nodded and left Will to tidy up the bedroom. Most of the mess ended up being stuffed under the bed. Then Will moved her things into her room and joined her in the kitchen to prepare dinner.
Georgiana was woken a little later and the three of them continued to enjoy each other’s company. A few hours later, they ate supper together. Georgiana was allowed one more hour to play with Elizabeth and Will before she had to go to bed. She kissed Elizabeth goodnight before being carried up to her room.
When Will returned, Elizabeth had begun to do the dishes.
“You don’t have to do that,” he said.
“I don’t mind doing it. Consider it payment for feeding me with a lovely supper. You’ve definitely improved since the days of nightly takeout, huh?”
Will grinned and nodded.
“I hope you don’t mind,” he said, “but I have some work I need to get done.”
“No, no. Go ahead. I have work I can do, too. I’ll just finish these dishes.”
They ended up spending a quiet evening working in front of the fire, occasionally exchanging a comment.
When Will felt tired, he announced his intention to go to bed, and asked her, “Is there anything you need?”
“No, I should be fine, thank you.”
Will was tempted to ask if she would be staying up most of the night, but refrained, not wanting to put their current amiable relationship in jeopardy.
“Good night, Elizabeth,” he said. “I’m glad you came.”
She smiled at him. “Good night.”
As Will lay in bed, sleepless, his thoughts were full of Elizabeth. While he was thrilled she was in his house, he felt frustrated at not making any headway in some kind of understanding between them. Things had changed a lot since the last time she had been in St Louis. He was now divorced and had lived alone for over a year. The feelings that had first begun to develop when she lived with him were now nearly full grown. He could also understand why Elizabeth had turned down his offer in Chicago. She had been the wise one. He hadn’t understood the half of what he was dealing with. He knew now that he had asked her then more out of loneliness and a yearning for company. Over time, that had matured into an ache for her. For her spirit, her being, her presence, her vitality, her essence, her love. If anything, this ache was much worse than loneliness: company and merriment could lessen loneliness, but this ache had only one, unlikely cure. Now that she was here, he had no indication, however, of how Elizabeth felt towards him. As far as he knew, to her he was just a friend who once showed too much interest – shallow interest.
Unable to remain tossing in bed, he decided to see if he could at least talk with her a little. He softly padded downstairs, expecting to find her working in the living room. It was empty, however, so he went to the guest bedroom. He knocked softly and upon hearing no answer, a cold fear that she had left in the night stole over him. He quietly opened the door and peeked inside. By the light of the moon reflecting on the snow outside the large windows, he saw her asleep in the bed. He leaned against the doorjamb, amazed and surprised at his first sight of her asleep in a bed. She looked so precious in the soft, bluish glow. She was curled up on one side under the thick, feather duvet, one arm resting outside of it, the hand curling under her chin. He could see her shoulder rising and falling gently, rhythmically. He must have stood there for at least five minutes just watching her sleep, before he realized he should leave her in peace. He resolved to be as quiet as he could in the morning to let her sleep as long as she could. To further this, he moved into the room and slowly pulled the curtains closed so that the morning sun would not wake her.
He returned to his own bed upstairs and unconsciously curled in a similar position to Elizabeth’s, and eventually was able to drift off.
Georgiana woke him as usual. He didn’t mind her chatter to herself serving as his alarm since she was much better than a rude beeping noise. He slid out of bed, donning his robe and slippers.
“Good morning, my love.” He lifted her out of the crib and nuzzled her. She squealed and giggled. She was always active in the morning.
Suddenly, he remembered that Elizabeth was in the house. He sat down suddenly on his bed with Georgie still in his arms, reflecting on some of his thoughts from the previous evening.
When Georgie began to whine, Will put her down on the ground. She went to her crib and attempted to pull Tehbeh through the bars. Will patiently picked it out of the crib and handed it to her.
“What do you say?”
“Tha.”
“You’re welcome. Come on, let’s get you dressed.”
He followed her into the bathroom, guiding her through her morning routine of cleanliness.
When she was dressed, Will put her back into her crib with a few of her chosen toys while he dressed himself. He took particular care, again trying to strike a balance between too nice and too casual, occasionally asking Georgiana’s useless opinion. When he was done, he took Georgiana downstairs to eat breakfast. He deposited her in her highchair, closed the kitchen door, and began preparing their food.
While he hadn’t seen Elizabeth in the living room or the back room, he kept expecting her to turn up. He couldn’t relax because he anticipated seeing her at any moment. But she didn’t turn up. When Georgiana was finished and restless, he took her into the back room and sat down to play with her until Elizabeth finally did wake up.
When half an hour had passed, the same cold fear that she had left the house crept into his heart. He managed to be patient and push his fear aside for ten more minutes before he couldn’t bear it any longer. He got up and went to the guest bedroom. He couldn’t hear anything through the door, so he knocked softly. He gently opened the door and peeked through the crack. He breathed a silent sigh of relief when he saw her still curled up in the bed. He briefly considered waking her up, but decided to let her sleep as long as she could.
He returned to Georgiana’s playpen and lay down with her, content to spend his time daydreaming of Elizabeth and catering to Georgiana’s whims.
It was 9:30am when Elizabeth walked into the back room to find Will and Georgiana engaged in one of their favourite games. Georgie was dancing on Will’s chest and stomach while he lay on his back, his hands at the ready to catch her when she slid off or fell.
Georgie was the first to see her. She stopped and beamed at Elizabeth. Will sat up in surprise, cradling Georgie in his lap. “Good morning,” he managed to say.
Elizabeth smiled sheepishly. “Hi.”
“You slept a long time.”
“No kidding. That’s literally the longest I’ve slept in years.”
“I was certainly surprised to find you asleep, but I decided not to wake you. I thought you said you were sleeping okay.”
“It’s been better. Averaging around 6 hours a night, rather than 3 or 4.”
“Are you hungry?”
“Ravenous.”
To Georgiana he asked, “Do you want to stay here or come with us?”
She nodded slowly.
He put her on the floor and she toddled over as fast as she could to Elizabeth in the doorway. Elizabeth knelt down and said, “Good morning.”
Georgiana extended one hand to steady herself and the other stretched up to Elizabeth. Elizabeth took the small hand in hers and nibbled playfully on her palm. Georgiana laughed and pulled her hand away. Elizabeth picked Georgiana up and walked to the kitchen followed by an enchanted Will. The ache inside of him was definitely increasing.
Will and Georgiana coloured with crayons on the kitchen table while Elizabeth ate breakfast. Then Will put Georgiana in her playpen to be by herself for a while. At the opposite end of the long back room, Elizabeth and Will sat in recliners side by side, looking out on the birdfeeders and birdbath.
“I need to go out and melt it,” said Will.
“Why if it’s just going to freeze again?”
“It stays liquid for a while. I like my birdies to be clean.”
Elizabeth laughed.
They lapsed into a comfortable silence for a few minutes. Then Will asked something he really wanted to know. “Why did Madeline tell you to come here?”
She looked away from him and began to gnaw on her lip. Finally, she sighed and replied, “She said I had issues to discuss with you and I was being silly avoiding you. She said we were both being silly, to be honest, but I think she placed more blame on me than you since she knows me. I think I put you in too favourable a light for her to really blame you,” she laughed shortly.
Will’s face remained grave as he said, “We haven’t really talked about anything.”
“I know. I’ve been shirking it.”
“Madeline isn’t here. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do.”
“Don’t tell me that; I may chicken out.” A deeper silence ensued, interrupted only by Georgiana’s monologue. Elizabeth continued after several moments. “I thought,” she hesitated, then continued again, “I thought I would be happy when I was successful. I told you that while I had failed in my marriage, I wanted to succeed at my career. Well… I worked really, really hard. Worked my butt off, denied myself lots of luxuries, pushed through the pain, and soon it began to pay off with the success I had been searching for. But the happiness didn’t come. I kept expecting to find the answer somehow. And there was Madeline telling me almost from when we first met that I wouldn’t find it there. I had been so convinced that that was the answer. When I finally accepted the fact that I was even more unhappy and that more success wouldn’t make it any better, I turned completely to Madeline. I really opened up to her and we were able to make lots of progress together. I told her about you and Georgiana and about our… argument. She said I should visit you to sort things through. I don’t know why I resisted for so long. I guess… I was being stubborn. I still held a little bit of anger and resentment that you had been so right about how pathetic my life was. …Is.” After a long pause, she said, “I understand now how there has to be a balance, like you have learned. The price of success isn’t always worth the cost, and I hadn’t been weighing the cost. So I am now attempting to focus on my life outside of work. And… I’ve missed you… a lot. I came to see if I could rekindle our friendship.”
She seemed to be finished. Will’s heart pounded. He clenched his fists so tightly his fingernails dug into his palms. “And… what if…” he paused, afraid to continue. “What if,” his voice cracked. He cleared his throat and tried one last time. “And what if I asked for more than friendship?” He felt cold but hot at the same time, his hands breaking into a clammy sweat.
Chapter 12
Posted on Monday, 21 June 2004
She traced the pattern on the armrest of the recliner. Keeping her intense focus on her task, she said in a small voice, “I think… I would be open to exploring that.”
“You think?” prompted Will, holding his breath.
“I mean, I would like that.”
Will felt his throat clench. He swallowed and nodded, not knowing what to say in response. He watched a squirrel attempt to jump from a low, nearby bush onto the bird feeder. It swung precariously before jumping down into the snow to try again.
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“You don’t make me uncomfortable, Will. I make myself uncomfortable. I make myself uptight and stiff, as you used to think me. I’m afraid of screwing everything up.”
“You can’t.”
“Can’t what?”
“You can’t screw up. Just be yourself. That’s all I can ask, and that’s all I want.”
For Will, this was the most personal conversation he could ever remember having. The difference between his burgeoning relationship with Elizabeth and his memories of first dating Caroline in college was like night and day. To actually discuss a relationship was kind of new to him in the first place. But his feelings for Elizabeth and his desire to make this relationship work forced him to be open and honest with her.
Will stretched out his hand to her across the small distance between the two recliners. She looked at it then slid her own into his. Slowly, their hands clasped. The move almost had the feel of a first kiss and definitely had the same significance. Yes, there was still much to discuss, but this was a start.
They sat there for several minutes before Georgiana ruined the moment. “Daaaaa,” she whined.
Will took a deep, calming breath, squeezed Elizabeth’s hand and smiled at her, then released it to walk over to Georgiana. He knelt down to her level. She reached her arms up to him, looking at him with those darling brown eyes. Oh, how could he refuse them? He scooped her up.
“What do you want? Why don’t we play with your walker?” he stepped over the fence of the playpen and went up to her Winnie the Pooh walker.
Georgiana shook her head vigorously, whining a little more.
“What about your music block?” he pulled over the giant plush music block which had different things for her to play with, including a few tunes that played when she pushed the shapes.
Again, she shook her head.
“Well what do you want to do then?”
“Why don’t we all go for a walk outside? She can get some exercise and then we can come back for lunch.”
Will looked up at Elizabeth, who now stood outside of the pen. To Georgiana, he asked, “Do you want to go out in the snow?”
She didn’t say no, so Will assumed this meant yes.
“Let’s go get your clothes on then.”
“Do you need any help?” Elizabeth asked.
“No, I’m fine. We’ll just go upstairs and dress a little warmer.”
Elizabeth nodded and went to her bedroom. Will took Georgiana upstairs, his mind more preoccupied with thoughts of Elizabeth than Georgiana. While ecstatic that Elizabeth seemed to return some of his feelings, he was worried about what this meant. How far was she willing to take this relationship? How far could it go if she was in Chicago?
First, he checked Georgiana’s diaper. “Do you need to go potty?” he asked her.
She shook her head.
“Are you sure?” The last thing he wanted was to get her all suited up for the cold and then have her say she had to go to the bathroom.
She shook her head.
He began to dress her in thick tights, jeans, an under shirt, long-sleeved shirt, sweater, and two pairs of socks. Georgiana waited in her crib while Will changed into a worn pair of jeans and then a dark emerald woolen sweater over his charcoal turtleneck.
He carried Georgiana downstairs and set her down in the hallway. From the hall closet, he took out her warm jumper suit, boots, hat, scarf, gloves, and her sunglasses, as well as his own scarf, gloves, coat and boots.
He took the shell. “Step in, please.” One leg at a time, she stepped in; Will tugged it up, then threaded her arms through the sleeves, finally zipping it up the front. She looked like the green Teletubby. He took one shoe, put her foot inside and velcroed it tight, followed by the other one.
“Good grief,” came Elizabeth’s voice behind him. “Such a production just to go outside.”
“Yep,” he replied as he put her blue, woolly hat over soft brown hair, then wrapped the matching blue scarf around her neck and lower face. Finally, he tugged the mittens out of the sleeves of the jumper suit.
“Why are those…?” asked the confused Elizabeth.
“They’re attached with elastic to each other so she doesn’t lose them.”
“Ah, I see,” she laughed.
Having gotten Georgie ready, Will began to put his own things on. Finally they were all ready.
“Are you going to be warm enough?” Will asked when he saw she just had on the same black overcoat as the previous day.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Let’s go then.”
He opened the front door and waited for Elizabeth and Georgiana to walk out before closing and locking it behind them. Elizabeth skipped down the steps, sinking deeply into the snow at the bottom. She grinned. Will couldn’t help but smile back at her. He took Georgiana’s hand and slowly they both walked down the steps.
When they reached the bottom, Georgiana sank into the snow up to her knees. She automatically reached down to pick up some snow. She brought it to her mouth, looking up at Will as if daring him to stop her.
“You’re letting her eat the snow?!” said Elizabeth.
“Sure. It’s clean. It tastes good anyway. Haven’t you ever tasted snow?”
“Not in years, no.”
Will scooped up some snow and offered it to her. “Try some. It’s got an interesting taste.”
She looked at him as if he were crazy.
“Thanks, I’ll find my own snow to taste.”
“Oh, you think your snow will be any different than mine?”
“Yes, I do.”
He looked back down at Georgiana. “Do you want to walk?”
After attempting a couple of steps, the child decided maybe it would be better to ride on Daddy. She promptly raised her arms.
“Are you going to carry her in your arms the whole time?” asked Elizabeth, a little surprised.