Beginning , Section II, Next Section

Chapter Five ~ continued

Anne Wentworth eagerly watched the changing landscape through the carriage window. The afternoon shadows had varied the shades of green on the softly rolling hills and created the soothing vista she loved so much. Her morning at Pemberley had been far more stressful than she would have imagined. She had come with the expectation of enjoying the grounds of an elegant estate and perhaps getting a glimpse of the man her husband so admired and Horatio, understandably, so resented. But she had been swept into the delicate, emotional struggle that was straining the bonds of a wonderful family and she had, somehow, found herself sharing in their pain.

“I can understand why Horatio admires her so. She is a lovely young woman --- sweet, gentle and of course, very beautiful,” Anne began. “But I didn’t expect to like Darcy as much as I do. It’s hard to imagine him being rude to anyone, no less to our dear Horatio. Do you think he misinterpreted Darcy’s remarks that day, Frederick?”

“No, I think he read him correctly. The lioness protecting her young is the most deadly, you know. Darcy’s been responsible for his sister since she was eleven and it’s hard for him to be objective. He only wants what’s best for her.”

‘But he couldn’t find a better man than Horatio!” Anne replied.

“Darling, we love Horatio and know the kind of man he is, but Darcy only sees a handsome sailor who can offer his sister very little. If this little one is a girl, we may have very similar feelings one day,” he said, gently stroking her abdomen.

‘Do you think there is a chance that they would come to Copenhagen? I think I could become very fond of Elizabeth Darcy.

“I think it highly unlikely. I’m afraid that you shall have to be content with my company, dearest Anne. I promise, however, to be very patient at the shops and to be as entertaining as possible.”

“Oh, Frederick, you do know how to make me laugh,” she said, snuggling closer to him and resting her head on his shoulder. “You need never be concerned about entertaining me; life with you often offers far more excitement than is good for a woman in my delicate condition,” she teased. “And today, starting our hunt for a new home, I am filled with such overwhelming anticipation that I can hardly contain myself for happiness! Oh how I wish this estate would be right for us.”

Georgiana sat on the floor cushion beside her nephew, her legs tucked beneath her, and her right arm about the boy’s shoulders. As she watched the poor little creature in William’s arms shutter slightly and release her last breath, she tried desperately not to tense her body or show any sign of emotion that would alert him to the fact that the puppy was gone. “I think we should let her sleep, William,” she said softly. “Put her down on the cushion and come outside for a while. We’ll come back a bit later and see how she is doing.”

“I don’t think she is sleeping,” he said rather matter-of-factly. “I think she must have just died. Look, her tummy isn’t going up and down anymore.” He bent to rest his head upon her soft, warm body and stared blankly out into the kitchen.

“Oh William, I am so sorry,” whispered Georgiana, “but I think you are right; she has left us. She just wasn’t strong enough to eat.” She bent over him, smoothing his hair from his eyes, and kissing his now tear stained cheek. They huddled there together, weeping softly and rocking gently to and fro.

Why was it that William had such strong feelings for this frail little fluff of fur? He hadn’t had her for more than a few hours and yet he loved her and felt so protective towards her. And now, he would have to let her go, bearing the painful loss of something he never really had! …. Just as she would. She barely knew him, and yet she knew she loved him, as ludicrous as that sounded. (G-d, how maddening it was not to know his name!) Now she would have to let him go as well, and grieve for the love she never had. How would she manage to keep her anguish to herself? How could she bear it? For now, at least, she could weep openly for them both.

Cook had come to sit beside them, a cool compress in her hand. She wiped William’s brow and urged him to release the puppy from his embrace. “It’s time to set her down, my wee Willie. Come give her to me. I have a brand new linen napkin to wrap her in and we’ll get Rogers and Ferguson to give her a proper funeral. Where do you think we should bury her?”

“I don’t want to let her go, not yet, not for a long time!” he cried. “She wants me to hold her!”

Georgiana gave Cook a knowing glance. “I have a beautiful wooden box in my bedroom, William. Would you like to have it to bury her in? We could line it with the napkin and make it a very comfortable resting place for her. Shall I fetch it? You can hold on to her until I return. Cook will stay with you. All right?”

William nodded sadly and allowed Cook to take him and his charge onto her lap while Georgiana hurried up the stairs. Turning towards her bedroom when she reached the landing, she ran into her brother who was just leaving Elizabeth’s bedchamber. Seeing her tortured expression and red rimmed eyes, he was filled with remorse. “Georgie, we should have spoken earlier. Forgive me for allowing these feelings to fester. You know I did not mean what I said yesterday. He is a good man; I know that.”

“No Fitzwilliam, it is not that,” she interrupted. “William has lost his puppy and I am just going to fetch a box to bury her in. He is in the kitchen with Cook and having a hard time letting her go. Would you go down to him?”

“Of course, Georgiana, but what puppy? I know nothing about a puppy?”

“She opened her mouth to reply, but he saw the impatience in her eyes and said, “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. I’ll meet you downstairs.” And with that, he dashed to the kitchen.

The sight that awaited him was heart wrenching. William sat cradled on Cook’s lap, the lifeless puppy in his arms. He was no longer crying, but his little face expressed such sorrow. What would he say to him? How could he make him understand G-d’s greater plan, when he could not make peace with it himself?

Darcy crouched down and simply held out his arms. William leaned out towards him, and eagerly allowed his father to scoop him up. “She’s dead Papa,” he cried. Her terrible brothers killed her! They were cruel and selfish and mean and now she’s dead. How could they do that?”

Darcy hugged his son to him. This was certainly not the way he had wanted William to learn about sibling empathy and responsibility. “Ah, such a poor little thing,” said Darcy, taking the puppy from William’s arms. “Let me have a look at her. I hadn’t met her earlier.” He carried them both over to the bench by the hearth. “She was a thin, sickly little one, wasn’t she? I’m afraid she didn’t really have much of a chance, William. You mustn’t be so hard on her brothers. They weren’t being cruel; they simply behaved as nature intended them to. I’m afraid it is all part of G-d’s design.”

“William looked at his father in disbelief. “Why would G-d let her be born just to let her die?”

“Well, dogs were not always our pets, you know; they used to be wild, like wolves and foxes. Out in the wild, each animal has to be strong enough to hunt for its own food, and when a pup is born sickly, his whole family knows he will not survive. I suppose it is best for those who can’t keep up, to die quickly, rather than to suffer. That is why her brothers wouldn’t let her get near their mother’s milk. It was important that the milk go to the pups that had a better chance of living. But you must have given her great comfort, William. She was very lucky to have your love.”

“But why was she born sickly, Papa? It just isn’t fair.”

“No it’s not. But life isn’t always fair, as you already know. Most babies are born healthy and strong, but once in a while something goes wrong.”

“Will our new baby be born well, Papa?”

“William! How do you know that we are going to have a new baby? Has Mama told you?” asked Darcy, very surprised at his son’s knowledge of it. He and Elizabeth had decided to tell William only when it could be hidden no longer, and Emma even later.

“No, but I can tell by the way you act, Papa.”

Darcy swallowed hard. Were his actions so transparent, that even a four year old could read what was behind them? He didn’t know if William’s observation or his question was more difficult for him to deal with.

“Your Mama is very well, William, and we expect the baby to be healthy and strong. You mustn’t worry in any case. Even if the baby would, heaven forbid, be born ill, we would love it and take care of it until it got better. Human beings take care of their children and help them to survive. That’s one of the ways we are different from animals. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Papa,” said William as he buried his face in his father’s shoulder and rested there a while, exhausted by the events of the afternoon and the fears that had plagued him for some time. He wasn’t at all sure that he wanted another loud, pesky brother to pull his mother’s attention away from him or a baby sister that he would have to protect. Even at four, William Darcy knew that the life of an elder brother was not an easy one. It was sometimes even hard for his Papa.

They buried her beneath one of William’s favorite trees; one that he could see from the nursery window. Elizabeth said a little prayer for her and Emma put some wildflowers on the pretty box that aunt Georgiana had given him. He knew that eventually he would make friends with the other four pups in the litter, but not for now. Despite what his father had said, he was not ready to forgive them.

The little funeral precession slowly made its way back to the house. William held on to his Mama, who had promised to read to him until his dinner was ready, while Emma had the comfort of her father’s arms. Georgiana, unable to stop her flow of tears, had stayed behind until she had gained control of herself, and now ran to catch up with her family. As she fell into step beside her brother, she slipped her hand into his and gave it a little squeeze. “I love you Fitzwilliam,” she whispered.

His look of surprise immediately turned into one of tender appreciation. He kissed her hand and smiled. “I have no words to express how much I love you, Georgiana.”

“I know, Fitzwilliam.”

On their return, the Wentworths found the atmosphere at Pemberley somewhat somber, but with none of the tension that had existed earlier in the day. There was a tranquil, yet intimate air between the Master and Mistress of the house; their warm smiles and meaningful glances spoke of a mutual understanding and common resolve. Surely something significant had been decided; so peaceful and unified was their manner.

As soon as they were comfortably seated in the music room and offered a glass of wine, Elizabeth came to sit by Mrs. Wentworth and wished to hear all about the Fairfield estate.

“I’m afraid we were terribly disappointed,” said Anne Wentworth.

“I’m so sorry to heat that, Mrs. Wentworth. I was hoping that you would truly fall in love with it. I’ve only seen it from afar, it is true, but I thought the house very elegant and the grounds beautifully laid out. But I should not impose my opinions on you, forgive me,” said Elizabeth.

“No, no! You are quite right; the house is very beautiful! Only, it is now in desperate need of repair. It was easy to imagine how exquisite it must have once been, but it will take extensive renovations to restore it. It is the same with the grounds; they have been shamefully neglected.”

“And you don’t feel it worthwhile to make the restorations, Frederick?” asked Darcy. “I know that the house is beautifully situated and the surrounding woods and meadows very fine.”

“That they are! Anne and I both thought the views from the house breathtaking! But the owners are asking, what I consider, a totally unreasonable price for an estate in that condition. The amount of money that will have to be laid out to simply make it livable will be considerable. Then there are the tenants to consider: they don’t seem to be a very happy lot! Has the owner been absent from the property of late?”

“The owner passed away some years ago, and his children have no interest in living there. I’m quite sure that the estate has been neglected, inside and out, but I had always heard that the land brought in a tidy sum. I’ve asked my steward to look into the financial and practical issues concerning it, but it will be few days before he has an answer for me.”

“So would you be interested in purchasing it if the price was reasonable, Captain Wentworth?” asked Elizabeth.

“Absolutely! I believe we can easily see ourselves living there very happily. I don’t, however, hold out much hope of seeing the price lowered enough to make it feasible. And I don’t wish to raise Anne’s hopes unrealistically.”

“Do I have your permission to look into the matter on your behalf, Frederick?” asked Darcy. “Perhaps my being a neighbor will have some influence with the owner. I am more than willing to try.”

“We’d appreciate it if you would, Darcy. You are far more knowledgeable about the relative worth of a property and its potential than I, in any case. Thank you for offering.”

“My pleasure, Frederick,” said Darcy and then turned, as he became aware of his sister’s entrance into the room. Georgiana had needed some time alone after an emotionally strenuous day, and her still swollen eyes made it clear that she had not rested well. But she smiled and greeted the Wentworths warmly, also eager to learn how they had faired at the estate. Elizabeth suggested that Mrs. Wentworth fill her in on their way into dinner and the little group made its way to the dining room.

Once seated, Georgiana related the sad events of the afternoon to the Wentworths, partly in explanation for her appearance, but mostly to help account for her melancholy mood.

‘I’m afraid with Georgiana’s fair complexion, a little weeping remains in evidence for some time,” said Elizabeth.

“You must never be ashamed of your emotions, Miss Darcy,” said Anne. “I have always felt that people who feel deeply and are not ashamed to show it are to be admired.”

“Well, I don’t know that my tears are admirable, Mrs. Wentworth, but thank you for saying so.”

The gentlemen then redirected the table conversation and the rest of the meal was enjoyed in genuine ease. The stories and ideas exchanged brought laughter and often varying opinions to the table, but it was clear that they all got along exceedingly well, and were enjoying each other’s company.

Towards the end of the meal, Darcy rose to make an announcement and propose a toast. “You’ll be happy to know, I think, that your joint efforts to tempt us into taking a holiday have worked. We will be joining you to Denmark after all, barring any unforeseen complications, of course. Let us drink to a safe and enjoyable trip!”

“Oh, that is wonderful news!” beamed Anne. “I was hoping you would change your minds!”

“Splendid Darcy!” cried Wentworth. “We’ll make a sailor out of you yet!”

Georgiana’s heart almost leapt out of her chest, and she drew in a short, sharp breath in excited surprise. But then, just as suddenly, she realized that it was Elizabeth and Fitzwilliam who would be traveling. Fixing her smile on her face, she tried to appear truly happy and grasped her sister’s hand to squeeze it.

“Do you have three cabins available to give us, Frederick? I’d prefer not to have to inconvenience any of your officers.”

“There are two cabins that are typically set aside for passengers, but if you need a third, I’m sure Horatio would not object to sleeping with the men for such a short voyage.”

There was a stunned silence as his name hung in the air. No one needed to be told who Horatio was and Anne, herself, was stunned that her husband had let his name slip. But seeing Frederick’s unperturbed manner, she realized it had been well thought through and quite deliberate.

“But why do we need three cabins, Fitzwilliam?” asked Elizabeth, breaking the uncomfortable silence. You and I will be in one and Georgiana in the other.”

“I will not take you on holiday without your maid, Elizabeth. I can certainly ask my man to share the crew’s quarters but that obviously won’t do for Alice.”

“I am to go with you?” asked Georgiana in utter disbelief. “You want me to come along?”

“Of course, Georgiana,” said her brother, taking her hand to his lips for a kiss. “We would not let you miss out on such an adventure.”

Upon hearing this, she flew to his side, threw her arms around his shoulders and kissed him repeatedly, while expressing her gratitude and love. Darcy laughed, blushing a bit at his sister’s display, and tried to calm her. “I’m glad you are looking forward to it, Georgie,” he said. “You ladies will have precious little time to prepare, I’m afraid.”

“I always find that I am the happiest on holiday when I am wearing my most comfortable clothes, especially on board ship,” offered Anne. "Just be sure to remember your pelisse, Mrs. Darcy. At night it gets quite cold on deck, and I'm sure you'll want too gaze at the stars."

Having composed herself, Georgiana returned to her seat and remembered the Captain’s last words. She stood suddenly and said rather forcefully, “I will not have Horatio give up his bed for a servant, William! Alice can sleep in my cabin. Surely a cot can be brought in.” She had used his name as if she had known it all her life, and she loved how it had tripped so effortlessly off her tongue. Horatio! His name was Horatio. Bless you Captain Wentworth!

“You needn’t concern yourself, Miss Darcy,” said Captain Wentworth, trying to draw attention away from Georgiana’s now flushed face. “Seamen are accustomed to giving up a bit of comfort to please a lady. I’m sure Mr. H. would wish you to have the most comfortable accommodations.”

“But there is no need, Sir. I am very happy to share my cabin with Alice. In many ways it would be even more convenient. Please leave things as they are, Captain.”

“So, it is certain that Mr. H. will be sailing with us? Is he a regular of yours, Captain Wentworth?” inquired Elizabeth, preferring to have things out in the open before they sail.”

“No, Mrs. Darcy, he is a Navy man, waiting for his next command. But now that the war is over, I understand that there are some two thousand young officers in the same situation, and only on half pay too; so I offer him work whenever I can. He’s a good man to have on board, Madam, I assure you. … Now should his orders happen come through this week, we will have to find ourselves another man, but unfortunately for him, I think that rather unlikely.”

Georgiana was at once elated and crushed.

Chapter Six

Posted on Friday, 9 April 2004

Horatio checked the rigging for the third time. He paced the deck, trying to appear as if there was purpose to his actions, trying to feign some degree of useful activity. The war that was raging inside his chest had to be concealed – from the crew, from Frederick and especially from them. If only they’d arrive! Perhaps the reality would not be as difficult as the anticipation. This waiting was unbearable.

He was now trapped. It was too late to act on his original instinct to remove himself from this pending disaster, to bow out gracefully with an excuse of being unable to sail at this time. For as soon as he had heard that the Darcy’s were coming along for a short holiday, every cell in his body had screamed for him to make his escape with his pride and his heart in tact. What possible good could come of this cozy little voyage with Fitzwilliam Darcy and company? What did Frederick imagine would happen?

He was still a member of the crew and would be expected to behave accordingly. So what was the point of torturing himself with her nearness, with the sound of her voice and sweetness of her continence? He would not be free to converse with her, walk with her, sit by her, or even gaze at her. Captain Wentworth had made that clear to all the crew, more than once. He had instructed them not to speak to the passengers unless spoken to directly, to answer their questions as politely and succinctly as possible, to be helpful and mindful of their comfort in every way, but never to impose themselves upon them. The ladies were not to be accosted for any reason other than safety, not to be ogled -- and when approached by them, a seaman was be of service and then quickly return to his previous task.

What was the point of any of it, really? He had nothing to offer her. Nothing! Even if big brother would suddenly give his blessing, he knew he could not, would not, ask for permission to court her. He had no rank, no command, no money, no home of his own and today, very little hope in his heart of overcoming any these obstacles in the foreseeable future.

Both Ann and Frederick had been adamant that he should stay on board. “Just be yourself!” they had said. “Let the Darcys get to know the kind of man you really are. Allow Miss Darcy to get a clearer picture of your character, your everyday manner, your wit, your charm.” It will be difficult, no doubt; there would be few opportunities for private conversation. But there were other ways to communicate. And ten or twelve days in each other’s company would reveal a great deal to both of them. It would be a beginning. He must not give up, they had said.

The arguments had sounded so reasonable at the time, and he had agreed to stay on. But now that the time of departure was near, he was putting far more trust in the feelings of dread that twisted his stomach. For the truth was, it was not Darcy he was afraid of facing, but Georgiana herself.

He saw the two carriages approach, one laden with an extraordinary number of trunks and the other with the passengers themselves. As the crewmembers hurried down to help unload, Horatio hung back a moment to witness the spectacle. Had the Darcys come from another galaxy, their worlds could not have been further apart, he thought. But the realization of his duty suddenly jolted him forward and he found himself bowing to each member of the small party, welcoming them aboard and offering to show them to their cabins. He stood aside, gesturing for them to proceed ahead of him and explaining that the Captain and Mrs. Wentworth were settling into their cabin, but had asked to be informed the moment of their arrival. They would be on deck shortly.

No sooner had the last of their party climbed up, than Ann Wentworth came running out to meet them. She greeted them with such warmth and enthusiasm that there was no doubt of the joy she felt on seeing them. She laughed and quickly apologized for the impertinence of playing the role of hostess on a ship that belonged to them, but it was true that she already felt very much at home on board, and they had only just arrived. The captain himself followed, with a hearty handshake for Darcy and a deep bow and a sweep of his hat for the ladies. “I once swore that it was not possible to make accommodations aboard ship suitable for a group of ladies and that I would therefore never willingly take them on board,” said Wentworth, winking at his wife, “yet today I eagerly welcome you with complete confidence in the level of comfort this ship can provide. I am sure that we are in for a very pleasant journey -- only made merrier for Mrs. Wentworth and myself by your presence. Welcome aboard!”

They answered in kind, thanking him for his involvement in every detail of their comfort and accommodations, and expressing their excitement and joyous expectations for the trip ahead. Yes, they were eager to get settled and come back on deck to watch them set sail.

They gingerly made their way down the narrow steps and were shown to their rooms. Elizabeth was astounded at the warm, elegant furnishings of their stateroom, the comfortable looking bed and pretty vanity that had just been added at Ann’s suggestion. The next cabin was to be shared by Georgiana and Alice. It was small, but very smartly furnished as well, the warmth of the wood paneling lending it a decidedly masculine flavor. Horatio, who had a number of Georgiana’s small cases under his arm, was about to enter it to put them down, when Ann’s touch on his arm stopped him. He understood her meaning immediately. It would not be wise for him to enter her cabin, even in the presence of all these people, and for the purpose of depositing her things. He was not to make himself familiar with it, even though he had emptied it for her of his own things just the night before. He handed the cases over to the Captain, coloring a bit as he thought of the note he had hidden under the blanket at the foot of the bed. He knew her maid would turn down the bed, but surely not that far… and hopefully her toes would discover it before the bed was made the next day. Already, he was taking stupid risks to communicate with her!

The passageway was narrow, and he pressed himself against the wall to let her pass into the room. Her eyes bashfully searched for his, daring to glance at him only through lowered lashes…anxiously, expectantly hoping to make that connection. Yet he lowered his chin, turned away without returning her shy smile and mumbled something about being needed on deck before making a hasty retreat. When it really counted, he was a coward and what was worse, he had surely just hurt her feelings!

There! He had been right, he thought, as he breathed in the cool, crisp air that cleared his head for the moment. This entire trip would be nothing but a series of blunders, miscommunications, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, disappointments and sleepless nights. If it were not for what he owed Frederick, he would run.

His disgust with himself and pent up frustration demanded that he do something physical and he jumped up to the stay and began to climb. Certainly his responsibilities were on deck, yet he knew Frederick would understand and cover for him. He climbed, hoisting himself from ratline to ratline with such energy and such vigor that he reached the masthead in record time. He had always felt such exhilaration standing there by the ship’s colors, bracing himself against the wind, looking out over the sea from this highest possible point. How small and insignificant one felt up here – and how utterly powerful! Yet calm was what he was after now and this too, he found in the solitude this spot afforded. In this most dangerous of places, he felt safe.

Having instructed Alice to unpack and set out their personal articles, the Darcys, accompanied by the Wentworths, came on deck, eager to watch the crew make ready to set sail. Searching for his first mate as unobtrusively as possible, the Captain scanned the deck and then the rigging, lifting his eyes slowly towards the uppermost masts and then lowered them with a tightening of his jaw and an almost imperceptible grin in the direction of his wife. He shouted the general orders himself, smiling at his guests and inviting them to join him in a toast on the bridge. From that vantage point they marveled at the speed and precision with which the sails were unfurled, their eyes focusing higher and higher as the men scurried up the ratlines and along the masts. Georgiana suddenly gasped, and her hand flew to mouth as she breathed, rather than spoke his name. Darcy looked up and grinned. “Showing off in front of the ladies already,” he thought, more amused than alarmed. But it was clear that Georgiana was distressed and he squeezed her shoulder and whispered his assurance to her that this must be an every day activity for men like Mr. H.

Frederick Wentworth grinned at their reaction to the sight. “Do not be distressed ladies,” he said, “Mr. H. is probably as comfortable up there as he is down here. In any case, we need his keen eyes to help guide us out of the harbor,” he lied. He’ll be down as soon as he feels it is safe to do so.” He grinned at Anne, uncorked the champagne and poured them each a glass, which he offered all around, saying, “To a very happy adventure both on land and on sea!”

They drank to that sentiment, as well as to several others as they felt the water churning beneath them and the wind pushing them away from the dock at a far greater speed than they would have imagined. Georgiana tried to keep her eyes off Horatio, but she could not, while Anne and Elizabeth suppressed their compassionate smiles. Fitzwilliam drew Frederick off to the side and said good-naturedly and in a rather soft voice, “He doesn’t waste any opportunity to impress, does he?”

“I think that it is rather a case of cowardice than one of bravado, Fitzwilliam. I knew when he bolted from the berth deck that he was looking to escape… and that is about as far as you can go, without jumping overboard,” he chuckled.

“Cowardice? Are you suggesting that the valiant Horatio Hornblower is cowering in the masthead for fear of my disapproval?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Fitzwilliam,” said Frederick, eyeing him closely. He had thought that perhaps Darcy had put two and two together, but he hadn’t been completely sure. Now he was impressed with the good-natured way he was taking the deception. “Have you never been terrified of doing or saying something that would lower you in the eyes of your lady fair? He is in a difficult position, to say the least. But his natural courage will soon kick in and he’ll be down to do battle with his most terrifying of enemies – himself.”

“ Well I certainly know what it feels like to try and prove your worthiness to the woman you love,” said Darcy. “It has been five years since I have been in that position, but the memory of that anxiety is as clear and as painful as it was then. Yes, I certainly understand that fear,” he added thoughtfully, casting a glance at Elizabeth. He turned back to Wentworth and changed the subject. “After reading all the accounts about him, I never would have pictured him so young. He looks as if he has barely been out in the world, no less been out battling it. Obviously, I have great admiration and respect for the man and I am sorry for any negative remark I may have made, but…… that still does not make him an ideal husband for my sister. I shall keep my word, in any case. Georgiana shall make her own decisions, in this, as in other matters. But I do feel it is time to end this charade, Frederick. May we now call him by name, do you think? I wished to check with you before I told the ladies; I don’t believe they have made the connection.”

“I believe Horatio wanted to be judged and respected for the person he is, rather than for his naval conquests. He also didn’t want Miss Darcy to be impressed by his image as hero. But I agree with you that the game is up. He may be uncomfortable with their knowing at first, but it was bound to come out sooner than later. Perhaps we can encourage him to divulge the truth himself.”

‘It would certainly be easier if it came from him,” replied Darcy. “I leave in your hands Frederick.” The men clinked glasses and took another drink, gazing out at the slowly disappearing shoreline. Darcy’s thoughts went back to his bachelor days when the ladies of the ton fawned over him for his wealth and station in society. How odd it was that Horatio Hornblower should have similar concerns, but for entirely different reasons. Every man wants to be loved and esteemed for himself alone, he conceded – that is, if he wishes to marry for love. At least he could feel assured that this man was not after his sister’s fortune. In fact, he had inkling that it would be more of a hindrance than an asset to their relationship.

Chapter Seven

Posted on Monday, 12 April 2004

Georgiana and Elizabeth spent the next two hours exploring the Regalia with Anne as their guide. They went from deck to deck, ducking through hatchways to peer into various cabins, Captain Wentworth’s study, the storerooms, pantries and galley. They stopped to introduce themselves to the new chef, who had been hired especially for this trip, and taking special pains to express their thanks to the ship’s regular cook for staying on to assist. The gentleman was clearly not happy with his situation, but being so flattered by the ladies’ attention, he mellowed somewhat and admitted that he was bound to learn a great deal from his esteemed colleague. They accepted a cup of tea while they were there, perched on stools that were quickly pulled up to the large butcher’s block, where the chef continued to prepare their lunch as they spoke.

Anne was a wonderful teacher and before the morning through they had learned some nautical terminology that greatly augmented their understanding of what was being said around them. At least now, they didn’t feel as if they were already in some strange land, hearing a foreign language being spoken. They now knew the difference between fore and aft, bow and stern, leeward, starboard, sails and jibs, stays, shrouds and other halyards, as well as the different masts. It didn’t provide them with great wisdom, to be sure, but they felt very pleased with themselves and were eager to boast of their new knowledge to Fitzwilliam. It would give him a chuckle.

They had passed the gentlemen several times in their wanderings about the ship. Twice, Horatio and been with them, always deep in conversation with Fitzwilliam. Their manner was easy and amiable, like two old friends who were catching up on one another’s recent adventures. Each time, they stopped for the briefest of moments, tipped their hats and smiled, Horatio, allowing his eyes to settle warmly on Elizabeth’s, but nervously darting them past Georgiana’s and moving on. She felt a jealous twinge, mingled with such sadness and confusion. Had he given her up already? Had his attentions only been a figment of her imagination? She had known that this trip would be hard. She had accepted that she would have to dissemble, to put on the best face possible for Elizabeth’s sake especially, but she had never dreamt that it would be like this! How could she bear twelve days in his company if it were true that his affections were based only her wishful thinking? She felt a bit faint after their second encounter and begged to lie down for a half hour before lunch. Everyone seemed to understand.

As they continued their stroll about the deck alone, Horatio again pleaded with Darcy to keep the status quo in front of the ladies. “Allow me a few days of continued anonymity, I pray you. Since my return, I have seen the changes in peoples’ expressions when they learn of who I am. Suddenly they can think of nothing but my hardships, not my valor -- I see the pity in their eyes. They cringe at the thought of what I have endured and feel they owe me something…something they cannot give. This only makes them all the more uncomfortable with me and they retreat.”

Here he paused and stopped to face him. He looked at him directly, not fearfully or defensively, but calmly and confidently. “You must know, Sir, that I love your sister. We barely know each other; it is true. Yet I know that my love for her is genuine and deep. She is already part of my very being. I have never begged for anything, from any man, but I beg you now to let us get to know each other without this…..… between us. I must know that I am worthy of her love without pity or obligation or gratitude of any kind. We will have other obstacles, to be sure, but let us begin our relationship with nothing but pure love and admiration for each other. Telling her now would only undermine that. I promise to tell her myself on our return trip. The entire crew is prepared to keep this quiet and I assure you that we will have a far more pleasant and easy going trip if we do.” He held out his hand to Darcy, waiting for his response without diminishing the intensity of his gaze, and was finally rewarded with a nod and handshake that spoke to the strength of the bond that had already formed between them in these first few hours at sea.

When she reached her cabin she was relieved to find it empty. Alice, she remembered, had been asked to hem a gown that Elizabeth had stepped on and torn on their journey to Portsmouth. She was probably sitting by the larger window that graced her sister and brother’s cabin. Georgiana was so glad of it. To be alone for while would be a luxury over these next two weeks and she would have to gather her strength and resolve when she could.

She untied her shoes, removed them and let herself dissolve upon the bed. As she stretched out her legs, she heard a faint crinkling sound that struck her as rather odd. “My, but they must use a lot of starch in their linen,” she thought as she rolled a small pillow and placed it beneath her neck, hoping to prevent much damage to her carefully placed curls. She lay there quietly, her thoughts and emotions battling for space in her consciousness, but only entangling themselves into an unintelligible knot. She simply did not know what to think. Could she even trust her instincts now? If she had been so wrong about Horatio’s feelings for her, she must be going mad! What was she to do for the remainder of the trip? – the entirety of the trip, she realized.

Well, there was not much she could do except control her emotions and pretend to be enjoying herself. She had to do that for Fitzwilliam and Elizabeth’s sake. They had not, after all, taken her along to ruin their holiday or burden them with her problems. And the truth was, she told herself, that before she knew that she would be allowed to accompany them, she had resolved on the necessity of giving him up for the sake of family harmony. The picture of Elizabeth’s crumpled body, as she wept uncontrollably by her bedroom door, appeared before her. How much misery she had caused them! Well, it would end now. Above all else, she must not distress them.

For now, all seemed well. Elizabeth suspected nothing and Fitzwilliam was having a grand old time in Horatio’s company….. Jealousy and resentment overcame her once more, as she pictured them strolling so leisurely together. Yes, why was it that they were so chummy just now, when things seemed to be falling apart for her? Was there a connection perhaps? Had they come to some sort of understanding? Had Fitzwilliam bought him off?!!! Was it possible that bribery had worked, where threats had failed? Maybe that was why Fitzwilliam no longer felt it dangerous for her to travel with them. Horatio had accepted her brother’s terms!

Her head swam and ached with these ugly thoughts! No, it could not be true! Fitzwilliam would not use bribery and Horatio would not accept it. These two men, whom she loved most in the world, would not treat her so disrespectfully. They were both too good, too honorable. No, she must be going mad to even contemplate such a thing!

A knock on the door had her on her feet in less than a second and she straightened her gown as she called for whomever it was to enter. Elizabeth stood at the doorway, smiling at her warmly, asking about the state of her health. Was she suffering from seasickness?

Georgiana went to her and hugged her tightly. How she needed her! How she wished she could tell her what was in her heart. But she pulled back a bit and gave her darling sister her warmest smile, assuring her that she was well and that she only needed a moment to put on her shoes and accompany her to lunch.

The table was decked out with so many delectable looking dishes that everyone seemed startled. “Well, our chef is certainly trying to impress, is he not,” laughed Frederick. “But I think it will take us a week to eat all of this.”

“And if we do,” added Elizabeth, “we shall be able to float away without a ship beneath us.”

“So true. I will diplomatically encourage him to curb his enthusiasm,” said Ann. “But I for one am really hungry. The sea air always does that to me. Shall we sit?”

They took their places, Georgiana choosing to sit by Elizabeth, and when all were settled, one seat remained empty to the right of her. They heard him race down the stairs. He was still drying his hands on his handkerchief as he came rushing into the room. “I apologize for my lateness. I hope you didn’t wait. There was something that needed my attention on deck……” He realized that he was making a spectacle of himself, that they were all staring at him and sat down quietly in the seat beside her. He lowered his head, and placing his napkin on his lap, simply murmured, “Forgive me.” He turned to her and smiled, for the first time that morning. It was a shy, sheepish smile, but had she been able to read its meaning, it would have melted her heart. She could not. Angry and confused, she turned away from him.

When he had heard that she had gone to her cabin to lie down, he had hoped that she might discover his note. Obviously she had not. It was clear that she was suffering and he could only guess what she must be thinking! He had behaved so badly towards her, so thoughtlessly …thinking only of his own apprehension. The last thing he had wanted to do was to cause her pain, but he had done it in the first hours of their journey together. He had to find a way for them to talk, undisturbed.

The dishes were passed around and the two of them ate in silence, keenly aware of the tension between them. They listened to the conversations going on about them with little interest or comprehension at first, for their hearts and minds were full. Darcy had asked Horatio a direct question that he did not seem to hear, and Ann, who was sitting on the other side of him, was obliged to gently touch his arm to gain his attention.

“Oh, forgive me, I was preoccupied with my own thoughts,” he admitted charmingly and everyone chuckled at his candor. Fitzwilliam repeated the question and from then on he comfortably chatted away, amusing them with stories of past misadventures, and speaking knowledgeably and thoughtfully on the various serious topics that arose. When Frederick then boasted that there was no finer swordsman in all of England than his friend Horatio, Fitzwilliam was obliged to beg for a match, purely for exercise, of course. They laughed heartily as they agreed to allow sufficient time to digest this heavy meal before attempting such an activity.

From time to time he looked to Georgiana, attempting to draw her into the conversation, but she seemed lost in her melancholy, despite her efforts to hide it. She did reward him with an unwitting smile, now and then, for she couldn’t help but be tickled by his stories and engaged by his opinions. They had never been together in mixed company before and she admired how easily and confidently he conducted himself. At one point she found herself beaming at him, so proud of the truly insightful statement he had just made, when she sadly realized that he was not hers to be proud of. But she smiled nevertheless, for it made everyone believe that she was enjoying herself.

Suddenly Elizabeth rose from her chair, and putting her hand on chest, begged to be excused as she ran from the room. She made it only as far as the stairs before she began to heave and Fitzwilliam was beside her in an instant, supporting her body, holding her head and saying anything he could to lessen her embarrassment. Ann immediately sent everyone out the other way, called for water and towels and did her best to calm them both. Horatio brought the bucket of clean water from the kitchen and offered to help bring Mrs. Darcy to their cabin, but Elizabeth could not stop retching long enough for them to move her.

Up on deck, Georgiana kept trying to go back down to help, but the captain kept insisting that his wife was very experienced with this affliction and that it would be best to allow Ann to attend Mrs. Darcy. She looked unhappily to Horatio, who had just come up on deck, for support. He took her hand in his and said softly, “You won’t like my saying this, but he is right. Ann is an excellent nurse, and she’s done this so many times before. Your sister is in very good hands.”

“I am sure that she is,” she said, pulling her hand from his, “but she is my sister and I wish to be with her.”

“Then by all means go,” he said gently, standing aside to let her pass. The captain continued to object, but Horatio shook his head and gave him a sign to desist, which he did.

By the time she reached them Elizabeth had quieted a bit and Fitzwilliam and Ann were about to help her up and bring her to her room. “Please allow me, Mrs. Wentworth,” said Georgiana, taking Elizabeth’s arm and putting it around her own shoulder. Fitzwilliam wanted to carry her, but Elizabeth wouldn’t hear of it, insisting that all she needed was for them to be beside her in case she felt ill again.

When they reached their cabin, the battle of wills began. Fitzwilliam wanted Elizabeth to take to her bed immediately, while she insisted on washing up first.

“I will not get into a nice clean bed feeling like this,” she said firmly. “Alice will be here with a pitcher of hot water momentarily, Georgiana will help me wash and then I’ll get into bed.”

“But you are exhausted from the retching. You are as white as a sheet and you can barely stand on your feet. The bed linen can be changed once you have rested a bit. Please lie down, Elizabeth. I beg you.”

“I must look a lot worse than I feel, Fitzwilliam, for I assure you that now that my stomach is empty, I am feeling much better. Please don’t fuss so. The worst of this ordeal is the embarrassment.”

At that moment Alice knocked twice and then entered with the pitcher and basin. She rolled up her sleeves to assist her mistress, but Elizabeth thanked her, and said that Georgiana would help her wash. There was really no need for the two of them to stay.

“Am I being dismissed then?” said Darcy, his ego obviously bruised.

“No, of course not, Fitzwilliam. Come sit by the bed and I will be back in a few minutes.”

She disappeared into the small dressing area of their cabin and for some time Darcy heard only the splash of the water and murmurings of the two women who were the very essence of his life. He twisted his ring nervously, wondering if it had not been a terrible mistake to consent to this trip. What if Elizabeth continued to be seasick, could keep nothing down, depleted her strength, and injured herself or the baby…. His mind raced with thoughts of every conceivable tragedy.

Elizabeth made a bit more noise with the water than was absolutely necessary, so that her whispers to Georgiana would not be heard. “I was hoping to have some time alone with you Georgie. I know you are hurting and must need to talk, but your brother is determined to be as difficult about this as ever. I know that I am blessed to have a husband who loves me so deeply, but truly, sometimes he smothers me with his concern.” But seeing Georgiana’s stricken face, she added, “And, you also know that I wouldn’t change him for the world. In fact I’d be very hurt if he did not fuss so.”

Georgiana gave her a bittersweet smile, for she was thinking more of her failure to hide her feelings, than of Fitzwilliam’s behavior. “I cannot deny that I am a little surprised at Horatio’s behavior towards me, Elizabeth. You obviously know me too well for me to keep anything from you. But I assure you that I am dealing with it very well. I don’t want you to be concerned or upset for me. That would truly hurt me. I want this trip to be nothing but pleasure for you. You know that I am much stronger and more sensible than I sometimes appear. I am sure that everything will work out for the best.” She drew Elizabeth towards her for a hug, taking advantage of the fact that they couldn’t see each other’s faces to bite her lip and blink back the tears that were threatening to pour forth.

Darcy stood as soon as he heard them moving towards the sleeping area of the cabin. He drew back the covers, assisted her in removing her robe and helped her into bed. Drawing the chair in closer, he stroked her cheeks and kissed her hand. “Are you still nauseated?” he asked. “A very little bit, I do admit,” she said, smiling at him. “But I feel so much better now that I am clean.”

“Would you like me to read to you until you fall asleep?” he asked.

“No, Fitzwilliam, my eyes are so eager to close, as it is. I think I shall be asleep in no time. Just sit here with me a bit.”

“I shall not leave you, Elizabeth. I assure you.”

Georgiana had gathered up the wet towels and Elizabeth’s soiled garments and quietly left the room, kissing her brother’s temple as she passed him. “I’ll give these to Alice and be on deck with Mrs. Wentworth if you need me,” she whispered. “And please promise me that you won’t just sit here and worry?”

He nodded without looking up at her, which meant that that was precisely what he was going to do, for he could not do otherwise.

The fresh sea air was most welcome as she stepped from the hatchway onto the deck. She breathed in deeply, feeling suddenly freed from some long captivity in the bowls of the earth. How did sailors stand being confined below deck in bad weather? She was sure she could not bear it.

She saw Anne Wentworth by the rail a bit further down towards the bow and went to thank her for her help. “I hope you were not offended when I took over your role as nurse, Mrs. Wentworth, but I know that Elizabeth was embarrassed to have you attend her. I’m sure you understand.”

“Of course I do,” said Anne, smiling at her. “But we have all been seasick ourselves and know how debilitating it can be. There is no shame in it, I assure you. I’ve been ill several times myself and almost every sailor has experienced it, no matter how easily he otherwise takes to the sea.” She called to Horatio, who was several yards away from them, looking through his spyglass. “Have you not told me Horatio, that you were quite ill your first days at sea?”

He strode towards them, his hands clasped behind his back, a childish grin playing upon his lips, his eyes focused on Georgiana’s face. “Yes, I was absolutely green those first few days, but then it was winter and the sea was very rough. Most people only suffer from seasickness for a day. Their bodies soon adjust to the motion and they feel comforted and cradled by the waves.”

“How did you manage to perform your duties when you were so ill?” asked Georgiana, her genuine concern showing on her sweet face. Horatio chuckled to himself, “Believe me when I say that I don’t truly know. I was nauseous, being constantly humiliated for it, often beaten for it, and yet I made it through. It was a bad beginning, but then new midshipmen never have an easy time of it.”

He had deliberately told her this painful little story to see her reaction to it, and it was precisely as he had thought. Her expression revealed the pain she felt on his behalf, almost as sharply as if she had endured it herself. How could he tell her of his imprisonment in Spain and the things they had done to him? No, she was not to know until she was truly his. Even then….if he could only keep it from her!

“We have some very comfortable chairs set up on the leeward side of the bow, Miss Darcy. Would you care to come and sit with me?” asked Ann. “It is a perfect place to read, if you have a book with you.”

“Oh, I have it in my cabin,” replied Georgiana. “I’ll just be a moment.”

“Permit me to get it for you, Miss Darcy. Your maid will know where it is. Is she below?” asked Horatio.

“Yes,” she answered, blushing a bit. She didn’t quite know why it embarrassed her to have him run her errands.

He returned with the book and her parasol as well. “You may need it for the sun later on,” he said. She recognized it as something Fitzwilliam would do for Elizabeth and blushed again. He was trying to take care of her; he was apologizing to her for his earlier behavior…..or so it seemed. But could she trust her feelings where he was concerned?

“Thank you for thinking of it, Sir,” she said, barely raising her eyes to him.

He smiled, bowed and left them to their reading. He had made some headway, he thought.

When he passed the ladies a half hour later, Ann tilted her head towards Georgiana asleep beside her, and winked. He grinned, and returned a moment later with some rope that he used to tie the parasol, as gingerly and quietly as possible, to the side of her chair, to protect her face from the sun. His task completed, he squeezed Ann’s hand and departed.

Elizabeth had awoken a few minutes earlier and feeling somewhat rested, wanted to walk on deck while the day was still bright. She reached for her husband’s hand, kissed it and asked him to help her lace up her undergarments.

His face grew stern. “I think it would be best for you to stay in bed for the rest of the day, Elizabeth. Your system has suffered quite a shock. I shall have them bring us a tray of a very light dinner, if you feel up to eating later, but I will not have you traipsing about in your condition. If you will not take care of yourself, then I shall have to do it for you.”

Elizabeth was flabbergasted! Her mouth dropped open to protest, but all that came out was an irritated growl. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and came to stand before his chair. “Fitzwilliam Darcy, I have been as patient as I can be with you, for I know that it is love that fuels this madness, but I will not allow you to spoil this holiday for me ….for us, with your unfounded, foolish worries! There is nothing wrong with me that a little fresh air will not cure. And even if I do become ill again, it is not a sickness, after all. It is only an uncomfortable symptom! It does not harm me or the baby in any way. I know that you have read every medical text you could lay your hands on before we left, and you consulted with my doctor as well. So why won’t you put any faith in the science you are usually so apt to believe? There is more here than just a simple concern for my welfare!”

“What could you possibly mean by that?” snapped Darcy, turning white.

“You think that because your mother became ill during her pregnancies, the same will happen to me. It is fear and superstition and I will not have it rule our lives, Fitzwilliam!”

The sun, now lower in sky, shown directly in Georgiana’s face; the parasol no longer providing any protection. She woke slowly, unable to figure out where she was at first, but then as her head cleared she remembered Elizabeth and jumped to her feet, upset that she had neglected her for so long. As she smoothed the bodice of her dress, she noticed the parasol and smiled to herself. Only Horatio could have done that for her.

As she would have to return for the parasol, she left the book as well, and far more lighthearted than she ever could have imagined only a few hours ago, she turned toward the hatchway that would take her below. She noticed that the clouds were suddenly darkening and thought of returning to retrieve her book, but dismissed the thought as foolish. It was still such a beautiful afternoon. She skipped lightly down the stairs that she had navigated so gingerly, just that morning and headed directly to her brother’s cabin. The door was closed, but the loud angry voices could clearly be heard.

“Your mother did not die in childbirth, Fitzwilliam.”

“No, she did not die then, but the damage to her spine, brought on by that pregnancy did her in. She was an invalid after Georgiana’s birth and it need not have happened. You don’t know how she suffered all those years, enduring more and more pain, getting weaker and weaker and all the while trying to hide it from her children. He could have been more careful. The doctor had warned him that another pregnancy would be dangerous. He should have loved her more!”

“How dare you stand there and judge him! Could you stop making love to me so easily? And how do you know that it was not her desire to have another child. Perhaps he fought with her about it, and finally gave in to her wishes. She had the joy of having a daughter for eleven years. I’m sure she thought that was worth the risk. Would you have preferred that Georgiana not be born so that you could keep your mother a few years longer? Do you blame her for your mother’s death as well?

“No, of course not! Georgiana means everything to me. I could not imagine my life without her, but the fact remains that my father did not care for my mother as he should have. Should the doctors ever tell me that your life would be in jeopardy with another pregnancy, I would do everything in my power to prevent it. G-d, spare us from ever knowing such anguish, but I would love you in every way possible,…..except that which would result in a pregnancy. And, I would not allow your desire for another child to threaten the happiness of the ones who already depend on you!”

Georgiana’s head whirled, her stomach twisted and she gasped for air. Her brother… her brother, whom she loved and adored and depended on so completely, resented her! He did not blame her directly, but associated her life with their mother’s death. If only she had not been born. Did he think that every time he looked at her? She closed her eyes and suddenly saw his young face before her. It wore an expression she had long forgotten. It was mixture of pain and anger and yearning. She had not understood its meaning then, but she understood it now. She moved towards her own cabin, but realized that Alice would be within and raced up the stairs and out on deck. The rain had begun to fall and the wind was driving it towards her. She had nowhere else to go where she could be alone, so she stood there weeping and shivering and praying that no one would discover her there.

Chapter 8

Posted on Sunday, 18 April 2004

She was soaked to the bone, the driving rain and heavy spray having pounded her for some minutes. Yet despite her trembling from the cold, she was not cognizant of it. All she could see was the pained expression on Fitzwilliam’s youthful face – the intensity of his the sorrow and anger. There had also been a look in his eyes at times, a pleading, yearning look that had frightened and puzzled her. It was as if he were begging her for something – she knew not what.

He had been so close to mother -- indeed his relationship with her had been very different from the one he had had with their father. Father had always set such high standards for Fitzwilliam, had demanded so much; and although it was clear that he loved him, he had not always found it easy to express that love to his very serious and sensitive son. Mother, on the other hand, had doted on him, giving of herself in her warm, affectionate way without reserve. She would champion his cause, defend him to father and most importantly gave him her time and devoted attention. She could well understand how mother’s death had robed Fitzwilliam of his most precious friend and ally. And her birth was responsible, in part, for her dear, sweet mother’s languishing illness and death! She knew better than to blame herself, but knowing it was devastating.

How tortured Fitzwilliam must have been all these years! She knew that her brother truly loved her; of that she had no doubt. And knowing him as well as she did, she understood how guilty he must have felt to harbor such feelings of resentment towards her. Surely, mother must have begged him to watch over his little sister when her time drew near. The responsibility of her welfare had been thrust upon him even before father had died and all the while Fitzwilliam had lived with these awful feelings of resentment and guilt. She wept for them both.

She felt the warmth of his hands on her shoulders even before she heard his voice. He had turned her towards him and she saw the look of utter shock and confusion in his eyes. “ What on earth you are doing out in the rain, Miss Darcy? You must come below or you’ll make yourself ill!”

“No, please! Just leave me be. I cannot go below. You need not concern yourself with me,” she said, not allowing herself to trust him – not after the ups and downs of this horrible day.

He let go of her, looking suddenly stricken. ”Oh, I see,” he said softly. “Then I shall not impose myself on you - nevertheless, you are my concern as a passenger of this ship and I implore you to come below to get warm and dry.”

By now, the spray and the rain had intensified to such a degree that she struggled to keep her balance and he instinctively reached out to steady her and then pulled her from the rail to a more sheltered spot beneath the stairs that led to the bridge. His arms still encircled her and for one brief moment he thought he saw her eyes close and felt her lean into him for comfort, but in the very next, she was pulling away, weeping, and begging him to leave her alone.

“I cannot imagine what has happened to upset you so, Miss Darcy, but surely your sister would be of great comfort to you just now. Let me take you down to her.”

“No, no! It is precisely my sister and brother whom I wish to avoid at this moment! I have nowhere to go for the privacy I need. Please, just give me a little more time up here by myself. You need not acknowledge to anyone that you ever saw me,” she pleaded.

“That is preposterous, Miss Darcy! It is dangerous out here, and you’ll catch pneumonia if you don’t warm up soon. If you won’t come willingly, I will be forced to carry you down. Please, just come in out of this rain.”

“Then take me to your cabin. Take me there and I will come most willingly. I need a quiet place to collect my thoughts and perhaps talk …..”

“I cannot,… I will not do that, Georgiana! I will not put your reputation or my relationship with your brother at risk!” he said, more confused than ever by her vacillating behavior towards him.

“I see, it is my brother’s esteem that is of utmost importance to you! ” she said sarcastically.

“I thought it would be of great importance to us both. But that is no longer the case I suppose.”

She was terribly confused by much of what he had said, but her head was swimming with so many conflicting emotions and she did not have the strength to sort them out - not here, not now. She needed time alone. Perhaps if she asked Alice to leave the room for a while…. No, Alice’s loyalties were with Elizabeth, and she would surely divulge her secret.

“You need not stay in your cabin with me if it makes you uncomfortable. Just give me a place to collect myself – away from my family. I beg you, Horatio.”

“All right, come.” He held out his hand for her to grasp and as soon as she had taken hold of it, he led her quickly down the stairs and towards the other end of the berth deck. When he stopped in front of a door and knocked, instead of simply turning the doorknob, she knew she had been tricked.

“Mrs. Wentworth,” he said, upon entering, “Miss Darcy is in desperate need of some dry clothes, and for reasons of her own, does not wish to disturb her family. Would you help us? I’m afraid she is quite chilled.” He had avoided her eyes as he gently drew her into the room, but as she passed him she hissed out, “traitor” in a barely audible whisper, and gave him a hurt and angry glare. He bowed to her and replied, “I’m sorry to have deceived you, Miss Darcy, but I leave you with the truest of friends.”

“I’ll be back with hot tea in a moment,” he said, looking to Ann. “Is there anything else you need?”

“Fill this hot water bottle please; it will help remove the chill. And bring some extra towels from the laundry. I’ll take care of Miss Darcy.”

“Come, my dear, let us get you out of that gown.” She led Georgiana behind the screen and began to unbutton her dress. The contrast in temperatures suddenly made Georgiana feel even colder and she trembled violently as Ann attempted to peel the soaked garments off her body. Finally out of everything but her most intimate layer, she toweled herself dry as Ann fetched a warm robe for her to wear.

“If you would put this on in the meantime, I’ll try to find something appropriate for you among my things. Any gown of mine will be to large for you, to be sure, but it will do until you are ready to return to your cabin.”

She got out of her wet undergarments and pulled the robe snuggly about her; it felt warm and wonderful against her skin. Peeking from behind the screen, she spied Ann pulling a wool coverlet off her bed and bringing it to a comfortable looking chair that she assumed was usually occupied by the Captain Wentworth.

Ann motioned for her to come and sit and wrapped her in the coverlet, bringing a hassock for her feet as well. “Now when Horatio returns with the tea, we’ll get you warm from the inside out. May I undo your hair so that it has a chance to dry?”

Georgiana nodded, unable to do much else. Ann removed the pins, undid the delicate braids and blotted her hair with a towel before attempting to comb it through. “I do not wish to pry, Miss Darcy,’ she said as she worked, “ but I assume your troubles are with your brother.” Georgiana said nothing, yet Ann continued, “It is very difficult to be an intelligent and mature young woman and still be obliged to acquiesce to a brother’s wishes. I myself lived at home for far too long and found it exceedingly painful to do my father’s bidding. You’ll forgive me, I hope, if I say that you, at least, have a brother who is both loving and sensible, and only has your happiness at heart. I am sure he will want to be reconciled with you as soon as may be.”

“My brother is very loving and sensible and we are not really at odds with each other, Mrs. Wentworth.” Searching for a believable explanation for her behavior, she continued. “I suppose it is simply that his nerves are frayed with concern for my sister’s health and when she became ill this afternoon, he……. Well, we became impatient with each other, I suppose. That is all. I sometimes take these little disagreements too much to heart. But you are quite right, we will be friends again very soon.”

There was a knock on the door and Ann bade Horatio enter. Georgiana froze with embarrassment at being seen in such a state, but he gave no hint of seeing anything unusual, as he put down the tea tray and handed Mrs. Wentworth the hot water bottle. “Come sit forward a bit, Miss Darcy, and let me place this behind your back. You will soon feel so much warmer,” she said.

Horatio bowed to the ladies and turned to leave, when Mrs. Wentworth called him back. “Horatio, Frederick expected me on deck some fifteen minutes ago and if I don’t appear soon, he will surely seek me out. Would you be so kind as to pour Miss Darcy her tea and sit with her a bit while I go to the bridge? I shan’t be long.”

“Yes, of course,” he said awkwardly, and before Georgiana could open her mouth to protest, Ann had slipped out of the room, leaving the door wide open.

He sat down opposite her, picked up a cup and prepared her tea. She watched in amazement as he fixed it just as she liked it and handed it to her. He must have observed her very carefully at lunch, she realized. If only she knew what he was really thinking. She simply could not make sense of anything that had happened today and she had never felt more vulnerable.

Believing that the story she had told Mrs. Wentworth would be suitable for him as well; she took a few sips of her tea before forging ahead with it. “I want to thank you for bringing me here, Sir. You were right, of course, to do so. It was more appropriate and I was colder than I realized. I’m only now beginning to warm up.”

He nodded and gave her a weak smile.

“I am also sorry that you had to be involved in my hysterical outburst. I had a disagreement with my brother and things appeared darker to me than they really were. He is so worried about Elizabeth and the baby that he gets quite unreasonable sometimes. We all suffer from his overprotective nature, …although we do understand why he feels the way he does.” Here her voice cracked a little, but she continued. “In any case, I thank you for your kindness and apologize again for being so difficult.”

He sat, quietly studying her for some time. She knew he didn’t believe a word she had said.

“I can certainly understand your brother’s anxiety,” he said after a while. “I hope you will find it in your heart to be more patient with him. We men are so helpless in these matters, you know. I lost my wife and child in childbirth and am ashamed to admit that I didn’t even know enough to be worried for her; it all happened so fast. Your brother has good reason to be afraid, Miss Darcy.” He looked at her very seriously.

She blanched. She was astounded not only by the revelation but by the seemingly easy way he had acknowledged it. He had been married! He was a widower. Truly, she knew nothing about this man. This man whose sparkling eyes and charming smile she adored. This man who had stolen her heart.

“I am very sorry to hear of your loss, Mr. H. I had not idea….”

“No, of course not, and there was really no reason to tell you – especially now, but my heart went out to your brother I suppose and I forgot myself. Forgive me.”

“There is no reason to apol…..” she began. But he had risen from his seat, and now interrupted her.

“Miss Darcy, please allow me to say this while we are still alone together – it may be my last opportunity. I wish to apologize to you, most sincerely, for having imposed on you with my letter. But given your feelings, I am very glad that I did. It would have been insufferable of me to continue my attentions to you, to endeavor improve our friendship, when there is no chance of it developing further. I hope…..” Now it was her turn to interrupt.

“Forgive me, Sir, but I received no letter from you and I’m afraid that I am terribly bewildered by all I have heard.”

Horatio stopped pacing and gazed at her in both shock and relief. “You haven’t found my letter then? I thought surely, when you said I should not concern myself with you, that you meant……Oh, Miss Darcy, I am so relieved. I cannot tell you how…..”

Ann’s considerate humming could suddenly be heard outside the door and he whirled around to see her enter. He gave her a grateful nod and bow. “Well, I shall be off then,” he said, smiling at them both. To Georgiana he said, pointedly, “I hope you will suffer no ill effects from your unfortunate exposure to the storm, Miss Darcy. Be sure to keep your feet warm tonight. So much depends on the warmth of your feet, you know.” He winked at her and left the room. She was as confused as ever, but for some reason, she suddenly felt wonderfully warm, in her heart, as well as her person.

He knew it would be an intrusion. Perhaps it would even be taken as an impertinent invasion of their family’s privacy; but he felt it had to be done sooner rather than later. Had he believed Georgiana’s story of a simple argument between brother and sister, he would have let the problem resolve itself, knowing full well that their mutual affection would naturally bring them together in time. But he knew this had been anything but a simple argument and he was certain that it had nothing to do with him. Something very serious had occurred between them and if this journey was to be enjoyed at all, they would have to confront one another soon. They had only two more days at sea before they reached Copenhagen.

He knocked on the Darcy’s door, not yet knowing exactly what he was going to say. Fitzwilliam opened it. “I beg your pardon, Mr. Darcy,” he said, “May I have word with you out here in private?”

“Is something wrong, Horatio? You look distraught.”

“Indeed I am, Sir. It is Miss Darcy that I am concerned about. I found her in a state of some distress on deck earlier and thought it best to inform you that she is presently with Mrs. Wentworth. Ann has seen to her physical needs, but I think it is you she needs to consol her. I hope you’ll forgive my interference.”

“No, no, I appreciate your making me aware of it. Do you have any idea of the cause of this distress? What did she say?” asked Darcy.

“Very little, Sir. I just have a feeling that she needs to talk her problem out with you. They are in the captain’s cabin.”

“Eight years? You were separated for eight years and still your hearts remained constant? I cannot bear the thought of you suffering so, Mrs. Wentworth,” Georgiana said in compassion and disbelief.

“After all we have shared today, is it not time that you called me Ann and allowed me to call you Georgiana? I believe we’ve solidified our friendship this afternoon, have we not?”

“Oh yes! Please do call me Georgiana; I would like nothing better, but… it will not be so easy for me to call you Ann.”

“Oh, do not make me feel so old, I beg you,” Ann teased.

“That is not at all what I meant…….” Georgiana said, laughing, but a knock at the door soon quieted her giggles.

Fitzwilliam stepped through the threshold and bowed to them apprehensively. “I beg your pardon ladies. I can see that I am interrupting a lively conversation. Perhaps I’ll return a bit later,’ he said, turning to his sister, “when you are ready to dress for dinner Georgiana.”

“No, don’t go Fitzwilliam. I am actually ready to return to my cabin now and would like your company.”

He had not known what to expect from her,…. anger, bitterness or even obstinate silence would not have been unreasonable reactions. He had thought long and hard as to the cause of her extreme distress, (for surely it must have been extreme to warrant Horatio’s interference) and had realized that she must have heard his painful discussion with Elizabeth. He was heartsick. And yet now, she was doing her best to make him feel comfortable. He was very grateful.

They thanked Ann once more and make their way down the corridor without speaking. Just as they reached her door, Georgiana hesitated. “Is Alice with Elizabeth, Fitzwilliam?”

“Yes, she’s been asked to stay with her until she is sent for. You need not worry about disturbed.”

As soon as they had entered the room and he had locked the door, he held out his arms to her and bade her come to him. She turned to look at him with tearful eyes and rushed to his arms, laying her head on his chest.

“Oh, Georgie! I’m so sorry that you had to hear it! Those words should never have been spoken. How can I ever make you understand how much I love you and what your being on this earth means to me?” he whispered as he pressed her precious head to his heart.

She pulled back to look at his face and replied tearfully, “You need not even try, Fitzwilliam, for I know it already; I always have! But to think of you knowing all the circumstances of mother’s illness and living with that knowledge and resentment for all these years is very painful to me. I’m sure there were many times that you looked at me and wondered why you were forced to exchange mother’s love for mine.”

He began to protest, but she stopped him. “Oh, do not think for a moment that I believe you blame me! I am not a child…….but it must have been hard for you to look at me at times. All afternoon, I have had the image of your stricken face before me. I remember it so clearly. You were so hurt and angry that summer. I had always been puzzled by the expression on your face at the time, but now, sadly, I understand it.”

He tore away from her and started his pacing. “Dear G-d, help me!” he whispered to himself, and then turned back to face her. “Georgie, the last thing I want to do right now is bring you more pain, but if we are ever to lay this agonizing part of our lives to rest, you must know it all. Before I begin I want you to remember that you were only eleven, and that I do not blame or resent you for anything that happened.”

“I don’t know that I could be responsible for anything that happened that summer, Fitzwilliam, for I hardly saw you. I remember that father locked himself in his library after the funeral and you…. I don’t really know where you were. I recall begging you to come and join us, once or twice, but when you would not, I left you to your sorrow.”

“Precisely,” said Darcy.

Georgiana suddenly drew in a sharp breath and held it, the pain of recognition washing over her tortured face.

“Georgie, it was perfectly understandable. He offered you amusement and lighthearted companionship. He had not lost a mother, after all. Being with me meant sharing my pain, and my deep mourning. Even then, I understood your need to be with him and allow him to divert you from the gloom that had overtaken the house for so many months…… I will not deny,” he now said, slowly and deliberately, “that I needed you,…. that I longed for your sweet affection to console me. But you were but a child and could not have understood that a young man of one and twenty, could need the sympathetic and loving attentions of a younger sister.”

She had come to cling to him as he spoke, spilling her tears onto his vest. “Dear G-d, I neglected you when you needed me most. I forced you into solitude…left you to suffer all alone! Oh, Fitzwilliam, I cannot bear the thought of it! I allowed George Wickham to entertain me, while you ……” She closed her eyes and saw his face before her again. “You were begging me to spend time with you, to comfort you! How could I have been so blind, so cruel?!!!”

“Now, Georgie, that’s enough. You said before that you are not a child, but you certainly were then. And your womanly good sense must now tell you that you only did what any eleven year old, who had just been through the most devastating experience of her life, would do. I had to tell you this to make you understand why I looked at you as I did, but if this knowledge causes you to reproach yourself even more, you shall break my heart, Georgie!”

She sobbed for a while, drinking in his consoling kisses and embraces. Her red, swollen eyes begged his forgiveness, as she whispered, “How much more horrible the thought of Ramsgate seems to me now – to have been willing to abandon you for him a second time. How did you survive it, Fitzwilliam?

“It almost did me in, I must admit. But it is over now Georgiana, over for good. Let us truly put George Wickham behind us now.”

She could only nod, and they stood, wrapped in their embrace for some time. Finally, when he heard her that breathing had calmed, he murmured, “Won’t you come and allow Elizabeth to see that you are well? She is so anxious for you.”

“I will, Fitzwilliam, but what I really need is a little time to myself just now. Will you make my apologies to her, tell her that I am calm and that I will be in as soon as I feel able?”

“Of course, if that is what you wish. Do you wish Alice to return to help you dress?” he asked, even though he knew the answer.

“No, I’ll send for her when I’m ready.”

He gave her his large handkerchief to dry her eyes and kissing her once more, left the room. She stood there feeling somewhat paralyzed. Overwhelmed with memories and emotions she began to weep once more. The relationship between herself, Fitzwilliam and George Wickham had shaped so much of their lives. Truly, they had both been wounded and deeply scarred by him, but they were still united; their love for each other had endured.

“Be sure to keep your feet warm! So much depends on…..” Thoughts of Horatio suddenly insinuated themselves on her mind. She must find that letter! Oh, why could he not have told her where he had hidden it? “Feet” was the clue he had given her. She raced to her wardrobe and pulled out every shoe to check inside it. “No, stupid girl, Horatio would not enter her room and rummage through her personal belongings – even to plant a letter!” she thought. “He must have hidden it before she arrived! But where?” She opened every drawer, but that was ridiculous as well, for Alice had already placed her things within them. Where was that letter? Ahrrr…. Frustrated and exhausted she dropped down on the bed. Then she remembered the crinkling sound she had heard earlier this morning. She was about to tear back the blankets and linens when she heard Elizabeth’s voice at the door.

“Georgie, may I come in?”

“Yes, of course, Elizabeth,” she responded, as she flew to the door to open it.

“I know you wanted some time alone, but dinner has been called and everyone is gathering. Do you think that you’ll be able to eat something? Do you wish to join us or would you like us to leave you to your solitude?” she asked looking at her anxiously.

Georgiana grabbed her sister and hugged her. “Are you feeling well enough to have some dinner, Elizabeth? I’m a bit surprised that you are going down,” she said.

“I will only have some tea and toast, but I don’t wish the Wentworths to worry about me unnecessarily, so I felt it best to show them that I am still whole.”

“Well, then I shall come as well,” said Georgiana, thinking how much she wanted to be in Horatio’s company. “But my hair is disheveled and I must change. If you would send Alice in and make my apologies to everyone for being a bit late, I will be there as soon as I can.”

“Why don’t you let me stay and help you, Georgie. I…”

“No, no. You go down. It will not do for two of us to be late. Please insist that they start dinner and do not worry about me. I have had a very difficult day, but I am all right. We will talk later.”

As soon as Elizabeth was gone, she felt around under the linen and found what she was after. She closed her eyes and smiled, thankful that she finally knew where it was. But she did not remove it. Alice would be in at any moment and she couldn’t think of a better hiding place. She would carry it with her, close to her heart if she could, but she knew it was impossible with a ladies maid assisting her. It would be safest where he had placed it.

He rose to help with her chair and once she was seated, asked how she felt.

“I am much better now, Mr. H., thank you,” she answered, smiling at him warmly. “I’m glad to see you went on without me and I apologize for being so late,” she said, addressing everyone at the table.”

“Well, it’s a good thing that you are dining with us and not with the rest of the crew in the galley,” said Captain Wentworth, winking at her, “for then you would go hungry. Latecomers are often out of luck. Isn’t that right Horatio? The food would all be gone, would it not?” he teased.

“Absolutely, Captain Wentworth. Hungry sailors are not known for their manners, I’m afraid,”

“Is that why you are permitted to eat with us, Mr. H.?” asked Georgiana, smiling mischievously, “because of your excellent manners?”

“It is one of the reasons, Madam,” he responded with that boyish grin that she loved so much.

The dinner conversation was not at all awkward, as she had expected. Everyone was actually quite at ease -- even her brother, who gave her loving glances every now and then. She found herself feeling free to ask questions about their destination, about the Wentworths’ former adventures and even the origin of Horatio’s friendship with Captain Wentworth.

“Horatio and I never served together,” said the captain, “but we met one day at the Admiralty offices in Plymouth. Our dear Mr. H. here, was waiting to be called in to take an oral examination and was frantically reading up on his rules of navigation, as I remember.”

Horatio put his hands over his face and shook his head. “You are not going to tell them that story, Frederick? Please!” he said, in obvious embarrassment.

“Well, let us just say that he did exceptionally well in the mathematics portion of the examination, but when he was given a navigation problem to solve he….well, let us just say that he was rather slow to answer. But as luck would have it, an emergency situation required the postponement of his examination and he survived to fight another day. Horatio then improved his study habits and did us both proud, the next time around.”

Everyone laughed good-naturedly and Frederick slapped him on the back saying, “It is the man who perseveres who eventually attains his goal. Isn’t that right, my boy?”

“I certainly hope that is true, Sir,” was his reply.

Georgiana was anxious to get back to her cabin to read her letter and was determined to retire early. She began making casual comments about being tired, when the captain announced the evening’s entertainment. Everyone looked curious, but puzzled. Horatio, especially, looked at his captain with raised eyebrows, wondering what on earth he could be planning. To his shock and embarrassment, Captain Wentworth ordered him to get his guitar and invited everyone to assemble on deck for an evening of music and star gazing.

“Sir, you know I cannot really play. I only strum a bit to entertain the men on long evenings at sea,” he began. But the captain would hear none of it. “Let us not disappoint the ladies, Mr. H.. Hurry and get your instrument.”

The ladies stopped at their cabins to get their shawls and the happy group met on the starboard side of the deck, where chairs had been set up. Warm, colorful rugs were folded neatly at the foot of each. The rain had cleared away the early evening fog and the night sky, so vast and beautiful, twinkled before them.

Horatio came to sit by the rail and tuned his guitar. He was clearly very uncomfortable, but was attempting to put on a good face. “I learned to play while I was in Spain, and the gentleman who taught me was truly a talented musician. But I’m afraid I was a poor student; I wasn’t well at the time,” he looked meaningfully at Frederick. “Nevertheless, I picked up a few of his tunes. This was his favorite.”

He began to play a soulful ballad with such intricate fingering and fretwork that although no one in the group knew anything about classical guitar, it was evident to all that they were hearing something exceptional. Horatio hummed as he played, sometimes forgetting himself and softly singing the Spanish lyrics. He closed his eyes and allowed his whole body to respond to the music, leaving his audience mesmerized.

When he let the last of the notes linger in the air, no one stirred. It took a few moments for them to respond emotionally and enthusiastically to his performance. Georgiana could not speak. She kept staring at him in astonishment. What other wondrous secrets was this man hiding? If he had not already won her heart, then this musical sensibility would have surely done it.

They begged him to play again and again, but after his fourth piece, he announced that that was the limit of his repertoire. He knew no others.

“Well, when we reach Copenhagen, we must search out the best music shops and find some sheet music for Spanish guitar,” said Georgiana enthusiastically.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you, Miss Darcy,” he said very sincerely, “but I cannot read music. I’m afraid they would be of no use to me.”

“You cannot tell me that you played those pieces by ear, Mr. H.! They were far too intricate, too complex. How did you learn to play them?”

“I simply copied his fingering and style, a little bit at a time, until I knew it by heart. I cannot tell you exactly how I learned it; I just did.”

“Well, I congratulate you, Sir. You are a true musician, “ said Elizabeth, seeing that her sister was awe struck. “Thank you for a wonderful evening.”

Captain Wentworth beamed at his young friend. He was doing very well for himself, indeed. This trip was going to work out just as he and Ann had hoped. He opened the fine old bottle of brandy he had saved for just such a night and offered the gentlemen the cigars he had brought back from the Indies. There were petit fours and chocolates for the ladies, as well as champagne. A toast was drunk to the safety and happiness of all those on board. From the looks of the sky, tomorrow would be a beautiful day!

She lay snug and warm in her bed, her feet raised on an extra pillow, with a hot water bottle beneath them. Her hand clutched the precious letter under the blanket as she waited for Alice to disappear behind the screen to prepare for bed. She would not be able to hide the letter from her entirely, but wanted to read as much of it in privacy as she could.

“Shall I blow out your candle, Miss Darcy? You need not keep it lit for me. I can manage without it, if you wish to sleep,” said Alice.

“No, Alice, you may leave it. I was just about to reread a letter from an old school friend that arrived at Pemberley just before we left. I’ll enjoy it while you get ready for bed.”

“Yes, Miss.”

Once alone, Georgiana gently unfolded it and began to read.

Dear Miss Darcy,

I wish to welcome you aboard and sincerely hope that this trip will be one that you will long remember with fond and happy memories. I, myself, have eagerly and anxiously been anticipating this opportunity to be in your company. I do not claim to understand the strong and tender feelings that have developed in my heart since we were first introduced. We have met but twice, and both those meetings were fraught with stress. Yet, my heart and your sweet countenance have given me reason to hope that perhaps you might feel some of that same inexplicable attraction that has ruled my life since that first fateful day.

I feel that I am honor bound, however, to make you aware of my present circumstances in life, so that you may judge for yourself whether our friendship has a realistic hope of being continued. You must already know that I do not possess the rank, nor the fortune that would put me in your sphere of society. But if you will forgive the arrogance of speaking on my own behalf, I would like to give you an account of my character and my future aspirations.

During this terrible and tragic war, I have come to learn certain things about myself, that I would not have thought conceivable before. I have developed strength and ingenuity in the face of adversity, and have been able to inspire and lead men to greatness when the odds weighed heavily against them. I believe these qualities will serve me well in peacetime also. I have every confidence in my ability to create a life for myself and my family that is comfortable, honorable and respectable in every way. Presently, I am awaiting word from the Admiralty on my next commission, and believe that I can acquire the wealth needed to support that life, in a few years time. I will never be able to offer you the level of luxury to which you are accustomed, but I believe that in my care and protection, you will want for nothing, least of all the love and devotion you so deserve. Perhaps I have said too much. Pray forgive me if I have, but I will not have the opportunity to court you as other men do and feel that I must be bold when the opportunity presents itself. Your eyes will surely tell me if this letter has been an imposition or a welcome communiqué and I will respectfully abide with the decision you make concerning our friendship.

As a member of this crew, I am not permitted to initiate conversation with passengers or casually converse with them on deck, but I am encouraged, of course, to be of service in any way possible. Therefore our interactions may be limited, unless, of course, we find some creative means of communication. I do intend to be as discreet as possible, as I would not wish to do anything that might embarrass you, my captain, or give your brother any reason to distrust my character. I pray that you will never misread my reserve as disinterest or lack of devotion.

I remain your humble servant and friend,

HH

With trembling lips she kissed his initials and closed her eyes. She could not remember ever feeling so happy or free. She had been shy and fearful all her life, always concerned that others should like her and accept her. And though he had never given her any reason to doubt his unconditional love for her, she had always been anxious about pleasing Fitzwilliam as well. Now suddenly, Horatio’s love had freed her from all self-doubt or self recrimination. He loved her! He wanted her! She, Georgiana Darcy, was worthy of the esteem and devotion of such a man. She had to weep with happiness and relief. She had boarded this vessel not daring to hope for too much, had experienced a most heart-wrenching and emotional day, and now lay here in utter contentment, secure in his love and their future together.

Continued In Next Section

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