Beginning , Section II, Next Section

CHAPTER 5 ~ continued

It seems that Wickham does not know what fair play is after all! He told her about the bet and her boyfriend’s part in it but he forgot to inform her of the other parties concerned. I still marvel at how I kept my composure and didn’t strangle him when I went to meet him. I had to, you know, to learn the name of her boyfriend. Georgie never gave his name up. She never really got over him. And, surprisingly, Wickham said that his honour did not allow him to reveal the name. His honour! I tried to bribe him, and to threaten him. But it seems that Georgie’s boyfriend had found the means of keeping everyone silent. I never got his name. Even the man who had initially informed me of the bet said that he could not speak any further…”

He was getting closer to the end:

“Georgie was threatened by depression. She decided to go to the States, and keep her mind busy with maths. I stayed here, feeling unable to offer the slightest comfort to her!” He looked at Elizabeth; she was surprised and scared by the hostility in his eyes.

“And now you come and you think that you know everything, that you can explain everything; that you have answers for all the questions! You have no idea what I have been through, yet you think that I am behaving like a selfish boy! Who do you think you are?”

Elizabeth was not angry, nor insulted. She grieved for him, for her, for their sisters, whose fates were equally hard. Her tone was wistful as she replied:

“I thought I was someone close to you, someone who knew you. We’ve got so many things to get over... I am not sure if we can, I am not sure if we should try.” He tried to interrupt her but she continued: “But I agree with you, it’s not the right moment to talk about it. You’ll have my new article on Monday morning. No references to Wickham, I promise. I am very sorry for your sister, Will. Is it ok if I leave the office now?”

“Elizabeth…” He began again, his voice now tender and full of sorrow.

“Please, Will, I really have no energy left. I am completely exhausted. I’ll see you on Monday.” Tears were dancing in her eyes.

William was feeling worse every moment that passed. He had been thinking about her the whole week. He had hurried his return, so that he could take her in his arms and experience the wonderful sensations of the previous weekend once again. What had happened instead? They had had a fight related to the man he hated the most and they had both alluded to…separation. Could his temporary crisis have come to an end? Despair was brought by the thought. His heart was telling him to fight for her, beginning from that very moment. But he had no idea how.

“Elizabeth, I don’t want us to part like this.”

“I am not angry at you, Will.”

“But you are disappointed, aren’t you?”

“Not by you, Will. By us. We reached this point together.”

“Elizabeth…” He tried once again, but words failed him.

“I’ll see you on Monday.”

“Wait! We can meet during the weekend. How about lunch or dinner tomorrow?”

“Sorry Will.” She answered with a tired smile. “I am leaving for Hertfordshire this afternoon and won’t be back until Sunday night.”

William sensed that she was abandoning him little by little. That she was giving up. He had his pride, he wouldn’t beg her. Maybe some time apart would do them good…would help them to think more clearly. Nonsense! She is leaving at the first difficulty. Everyone leaves at the first difficulty! I am not going to pine the loss anymore. They don’t deserve it!

“Have a nice weekend, Will.” She said as she left his office.

Oh, why did her parting look remind him of Sarah in the film? ‘Love does not end because we stop seeing each other’… Wait a minute…Love?

Later that afternoon Will sat with his sister and they talked for a long time. The years abroad had worked wonders on her. She still looked fragile, but she had gained in confidence and charm. She had a somewhat cynical air, but he suspected that this was only a way to protect her heart, which had recovered from the blows slowly and painfully. She had short dark hair which created an impressive contrast with her white skin and green eyes. She was very thin and relatively short; she had no curves at all. Her face was not a smiling one. She seldom laughed. But sometimes her eyes spoke volumes of her feelings and their ‘smile’ was the second most irresistible William had ever seen. (It is easy to guess which the first was.) The angles of her face were a bit too pointed. But overall she created a sense of good humour. She was witty, very intelligent and ready to defend her ideas and the people she loved with all the strength she possessed, despite her exterior mask of apathy. William really regretted all those years that he had not taken the pains to know her better. But now, I have a second chance and I will make good use of it. Thanks to the man who warned me, so that I could save her from Wickham’s trap just in time. Thanks to Jason Younge.

Charles was bored to death at this party where Caroline had dragged him. He wished he had stayed with Jane in the evening. After all, she would leave on Saturday to spend the whole weekend at her mother’s home. “Lizzy called from Hertfordshire and told me she really needs me. I am very worried. She never does this.” She had told him in a very concerned voice that very afternoon. So, she had not accompanied him this evening but had insisted on his going for his sister’s sake. Jane was always good and kind. He smiled. But she still remained distant, even after what had passed in Scotland. The smile faded off his face. He couldn’t figure her out.

Caroline approached him, bringing someone else with him. He was tall, very handsome, with light brown hair and green eyes. His body was to die for, according to all the ladies who attended the party. Charles felt relieved that his sister had found a new interest. Perhaps she will stop running after Will. I hope this one is ready for what is coming on him. He checked his smile, as Caroline began:

“Charles, dear, I’d like to introduce you to a very important person that I met tonight. I am sure you’ll discover that you have a lot of things in common.” Charles didn’t like her look; it seemed almost evil, so he turned his gaze to the man. He could not make out his expression. There was something hidden behind his polite smile, which made him uneasy.

“Charles, this is Jason Younge. Jason, this is my brother, Charles Bingley.” Caroline said with a triumphant smile. She disappeared immediately, so that they could speak freely. She couldn’t wait to see Charles’ face when he would hear Jason’s story. And from what she knew of her brother, it would not be long before William heard it as well. The Bennet girls’ charm could never recover after that. She grinned completely ungraciously. This evening turned out much better than expected. She thought as she sipped her champagne.

William instinctively looked at the clock, when he heard the telephone ringing. Three in the morning? He was almost certain that it was Elizabeth and he couldn’t decide if he should be pleased or scared by her determination to talk to him at such an hour. It was consoling, nevertheless, to know that she couldn’t sleep either. However, the voice that he heard when he picked up the phone took him completely by surprise.

“Charles!” He exclaimed. “What’s the matter?”

“Oh, Will, I am at such a loss. I don’t know what to think. Maybe Jane has deceived me, still… she doesn’t look like this kind of woman…Oh, Will what am I going to do?”

William’s voice was unmistakably angry as he answered:

“You are calling me at three in the morning to ask advice about your love life?”

“You don’t sound as if you were sleeping, Will.”

“And just because I happened to have a headache tonight, it is justifiable to terrify me by calling in the middle of the night, right?”

“Will, you can’t imagine what this Younge person told me.”

William was certain that his ears were deceiving him.

“Charles, can you repeat the name, please?” He asked, having forgotten everything about his previous anger.

“Younge. Jason Younge.” Charles answered bewildered at this sudden change.

Will thought that fate was playing a trick on him. He had not thought about Jason Younge for years, and it was the second time in twenty-four hours that he was intruding in his mind.

“Excuse me Charles, but what has he to do with your life?”

“He is Jane’s ex-husband Will.” Charles answered in despair.

“What?” William practically shouted. Then lowering his voice, he said: “Jane Bennet’s ex-husband? Elizabeth Bennet’s brother-in-law?” He had to check himself in order not to add: My Elizabeth’s brother-in-law?

“Yes, Will.” Charles confirmed with resignation. If he was in a less agitated state, he might have been surprised at William’s tenderness when he mentioned Elizabeth. As it was, it was lost on him.

“Well, Charles, now you’ve got to tell me everything.” William had forgotten all about the late hour, as apprehension took hold of him. Clearly, something was amiss and it concerned two people that were very important to him.

Charles began relating what Jason had told him. The latter had been informed by Caroline that Bingley was intimately acquainted with Jane and his irrational jealousy made his accusations against his ex-wife even more exaggerated than usual. Charles’ uncertainty and his difficulty to see past Jane’s mask of polite indifference made him an easy prey. As Jason was speaking of Jane’s coldness, of her tricks that gave hope one moment and destroyed it the very next, Charles thought that he could discern the exact symptoms in his case. Jane is trifling with me. It had never occurred to him before, but now it seemed a logical explanation. Even though at first Charles could have vouched for her integrity, it seemed a very strange coincidence that she was dating only rich men. And the pregnancy… It was difficult to believe her capable of such a scheme, but then… what else would have induced Jason to elope with her at eighteen? And Jason’s parents to consent?

And the other men… Jason swore that he had caught her with lovers, but had forgiven her repeatedly. This time, Charles should have doubted his interlocutor’s words; after all Jane never seemed interested in anyone else. Come to think of it, she didn’t seem interested in me, either. And the thought of Jane in other men’s arms filled him with sick jealousy that clouded his judgment. Jason had fulfilled his goal once more. Presenting them under a different light, he had turned Jane’s virtues against her.

There was only one resistance that Charles was left with: his heart and the remembrance of Scotland. But his heart was not used to being in love. Uncertainty and doubt offered no help. He needed clear signs. Jane did not provide him with them; Jason did. He tried to fight the horrible suspicions; he really did. But he was not very strong for this. William was his final refuge. And he related everything to him, as a child speaks to his parents of his fears; praying that the parent will take care of them. He almost hoped that Will would find fault with Jason’s story; that he would advise him not to trust him. He would be more than happy to follow such advice. So, he finished his relation, commenting with a trembling voice:

“As you see, Will, it is my knowledge of Jane against Jason’s story. Whom would you trust?”

William had listened very carefully and he was more than shocked. When Charles posed his final question, he hesitated for a moment. Jane seemed to be a good woman. She was Elizabeth’s sister. But he had hardly exchanged a few sentences with her. And he knew only too well that family members could have very different characters. Besides, why had Elizabeth never revealed her brother-in-law’s name? Then he thought of Jason and the gratitude his actions had inspired. He hesitated no longer.

“I am sorry, Charles, but I must have you know that Jason Younge has my complete trust. He has saved my sister; whatever family peace I have now, I owe it to him. I believe him.”

Charlotte Lucas was tired. She had planned not to stir from her apartment that weekend. However, after receiving two calls in the morning, she found herself driving to Hertfordshire as fast as she could. The first call was from her stepmother who had gone into hysterics. She was talking about a man who wanted to meet her daughters. But the unfeeling egoists she had given birth to had not stopped crying all day long and their eyes were red and their skin wrinkled, and who would look at them in such a state? The second call was from Elizabeth, who, after exclaiming in the most unusual manner: “Oh, Charlotte, how right you were!”, had begged her to come. Elizabeth had concluded with grave formality: “Your presence here is necessary for our peace of mind.”

Charlotte arrived and Fanny sent her immediately to Jane’s room, calling to her as she was going up the stairs:

“Tell them to use some make-up at least, dear! And make haste, Mr. Collins will be here in an hour!”

She found Elizabeth and Jane in an even worse state than she had anticipated. When she heard what had happened between Charles and Jane that very morning, she could account very well for Jane’s reaction. Elizabeth did not give any further explanation for her turmoil. Charlotte suspected that there was more than sisterly compassion that had brought on Elizabeth’s despair. But she was kind; she loved and grieved for the two sisters, so she didn’t push the subject any further. Jane had already a lot to relate.

She had been more than surprised that morning when Charles visited her house at half past seven. The initial shock gave its place to fear when she discovered that Charles was drunk. He tried to kiss her but she avoided him, disgusted by the smell of his breath. He fell on the wall and hurt his forehead, which began to bleed. Jane went near him to see the wound and help him get up, but he pushed her away, shouting: “GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU S**T!” Jane had never been so terrified in her life. Even the crisis with Jason had never been that painful for her. She had fallen on the floor and wanted to go to the other room and ring to Elizabeth for help. She thought that Charles was capable of anything and the idea paralyzed her. She lay there and just looked at him. Then suddenly his tears began flowing, as he whispered: “What have I done? What have I done?” He managed to get up, but then lost his balance and fell on the floor, so that his eyes were at the same level as Jane’s. He resumed his angry expression and he shouted: “What have you done to me? Why does it hurt so much?”

Jane was crying as well. She had hoped that after leaving Jason, she would never have to go through such a scene in her life. It was as if all her nightmares were visiting her once again. But, this time there was a major difference. She was also sorry for Charles. She was terrified and disgusted; but she could also sense that Charles was suffering, perhaps even more than her. But she had no idea as to what to do. She didn’t know where this burst would lead them. They spent some minutes looking at each other silently, as her agony was increasing. Finally he got up. He stood against the wall as his legs were incapable to support him and resumed shouting. His tears never stopped flowing.

“Pregnant, you told him you were pregnant, right? Lovers, right? How many of them, Janie? How many men have touched you, how many of them have caused you shivers of pleasure? Dirty, illegal pleasure! Idiot me! I thought I was special just because you let me hold you! What a good laugh you must have had at my expense! How many men have fallen in your trap? To how many have you given your body? You have no heart to give, you S**T! And why are you playing difficult with me? Aren’t I rich enough? I am number eight! Not enough? Had you set your sights on Darcy?”

That was enough for Jane to understand what exactly had happened. She got up, slapped him with all the strength she could master and shouted with such a loud voice that the whole block must have heard:

“OUT OF MY SIGHT AND MY HOUSE! NOW!”

Her determination took him by surprise and he retreated without actually knowing what he was doing. Jane shut the door behind her. She stopped crying and left for Hertfordshire immediately. As soon as she was in Elizabeth’s arms she had a breakdown. Her sister, having spent a sleepless night, tired and sad herself, listened with shock to Jane’s story. But she was incapable of making her feel better. When Fanny began increasing their distress with her speeches about the eligible Mr. Collins and the beauty of women, Elizabeth knew that Charlotte was needed.

Charlotte’s first impulse when she had heard the whole story was to say: “I told you so.” But she checked herself and tried to calm the sisters down. Jane had not stopped crying since her arrival at Hertfordshire and for the first time in her life, she looked almost ugly. Elizabeth was faring better but not much. Charlotte, the plainest of the three was by far the best-looking that afternoon. That was an unwelcome surprise for Fanny. She cared for Charlotte, in her own way, almost as much as she cared for her daughters. However Mr. Collins belonged to Lizzy, and she could not stand to see all her plans collapsing just because her daughters were being stubborn.

Elizabeth and Jane agreed to meet Bill Collins mostly to make their mother stop shouting. Their headaches were deteriorating and they were not pleasant company. Collins deserved no better, though. He was a bank clerk in London who had inherited a lot of money quite unexpectedly and moved to Hertfordshire with the intention of sitting and doing nothing for the rest of his life. It occurred to him that sitting with company was better than sitting all alone, so he decided to marry. Fanny Lucas was the first person to whom he announced the decision and she had promised him one of her daughters. Even she considered him stupid, conceited and boring, but acquiring the worst of husbands is a better prospect than having no husband at all, she thought. So, she was showing the utmost admiration for whatever Collins said and urged Elizabeth and Jane to follow her example. They were too tired to argue with her. To put them out of the embarrassing situation, Charlotte proposed that she, the girls and Collins visited the pub, a plan everyone consented to.

Charlotte found Collins disgusting. As they were drinking, he took liberties with all of them that none approved. He was finding various excuses to touch them. His touch was unpleasant, too confident and too clumsy even to flatter them. Elizabeth, who had already drunk more than she could take, lost her control and slapped him. Jane was equally drunk and didn’t even reproach her sister. The Bennet girls went to another corner of the pub and continued drinking. Charlotte wanted to argue with them, but she was starting feeling dizzy as well. Although she had drunk much less than either Elizabeth or Jane, she was not at all used to alcohol and she was surrendering to its powerful effect.

Elizabeth and Jane had no idea how they returned home. Thankfully the distance required only a few minutes’ walk and not a drive. They went to Jane’s room and Elizabeth started crying once again. Jane, slightly more sober than her sister, asked her what was really the matter with her.

The alcohol traveling in Elizabeth’s blood was now controlling her mouth. And she started talking about everything. She decided to remove the huge burden from inside her. She was tired of feeling, loving, hoping and despairing all alone. She wanted to share. Perhaps her drunken self was wiser than the sober one. She began her recount from their first day they had met, the day that he had hired her. She described his piercing gaze, his smile and the passion that was born in her almost immediately. She talked of her utter excitement when he had called her the very same afternoon to invite her to dinner. She explained how he made her feel at ease, how gallant and considerate he was during their first date. She remembered their first kiss, two days later, which had given birth to so many feelings in her.

“Love at first sight they would say, Jane, except that it was not love. He never said that he loved me. Did he love me? I doubt he knows himself…We agreed to keep this secret, Jane, that’s what killed us. I didn’t want to be accused of ‘sleeping with the boss,’ and he was more than eager to agree. He said that gossip was the last thing we needed, especially since our relationship was not long and serious… Now I get it Jane. He never wanted it to be serious or last for long, but then I found his arguments logical and I considered him thoughtful. I’ve been a total idiot!”

She went on, relating everything that had passed between Darcy and herself while Jane was listening to her with us much surprise as the alcohol permitted her to feel. The night was full of revelations and sleep didn’t come till dawn. The interesting part though, is that Elizabeth didn’t recall having said anything to Jane. Jane remembered every detail of her sister’s story, but she didn’t let her know that. She pretended that she had no idea as to what was causing her sister’s sorrow.

Jane and Elizabeth slept embraced that night, offering comfort to each other. They woke up with horrible headaches. Before their eyes had time to adjust to the daylight, Fanny’s shrieks were heard. Their mother was unlike anything they had witnessed before. Hysterical was not strong enough an expression to describe her. The noises came from the next room, so they guessed that Charlotte was the unlucky receptor of Fanny’s wrath. Very curious and concerned, because Charlotte had always been at very good terms with her stepmother, they got up and headed to her room. Before they entered it they could distinguish some of Fanny’s accusations.

“You, shameless dirty woman! In my own house! How dare you! This is no longer your house! I don’t want to see you ever again! Next to your sisters’ room! How could you do that to us! Where is your father? Williaaaaaaam!!! Throw them out of the house! Now! As they are! Don’t you dare give them any clothes!”

Elizabeth and Jane felt sick at the thought of what all this implied but they walked bravely into Charlotte’s room. They found her on the bed…with Bill Collins next to her.

Poor Charlotte was as shocked as the rest to find him there. Apparently she had got drunk and the scoundrel had taken advantage of her. Sick with disgust, she had barely had time to wake him up and tell him to get lost when Fanny entered without even bothering to knock at the door. Fanny’s anger, despite her declarations about ‘polluting the house’, was mainly caused by the fact that she had found Collins in Charlotte’s room instead of Elizabeth’s.

All Jane’s efforts to calm her mother down were in vain. The only thing she managed was to give Charlotte some time to get dressed and disappear as quickly as possible. Collins stayed a little longer and tried to apologize. When he mentioned that his intentions towards Charlotte were completely honourable, however, he had a vase thrown at him. He departed hastily, but not without repeating that he would return soon to ask for Charlotte’s hand. Jane wanted to stay in Hertfordshire for the rest of the day to support their mother’s broken nerves. Elizabeth told her if they did that, by the evening they would need someone to support their nerves. So, they bid William Lucas good luck and departed.

Elizabeth drove them back to London, and Jane asked if she could put on some music. They were both surprised to hear this song, but for some unknown reason, none of them attempted to change it:

Some say love it is a river
That leads the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
That leads our souls to bleed
Some say love it is hunger
An endless saken need…
I say love it is a flower
And you it’s only seed

It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance

It’s the one who won’t be taken
Who cannot seem to be
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live

And the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies a seed that with the sun’s love
In the spring becomes the rose*

The Rose, by Amanda McBroom

CHAPTER 6

Posted on Tuesday, 9 August 2005

Everyone dreaded Monday. Elizabeth didn’t know what she should expect in the office. Jane was trying to find a way to get released from the contract she had signed with Netherfield Editions. Charlotte was trying to change her phone number because Bill Collins had not stopped calling and proposing. William Lucas was trying, completely unsuccessfully, to calm down his wife. The week had started badly.

However, no major changes took place during its course. Neither William Darcy nor Charles Bingley showed up in their offices. Darcy was getting prepared to take his position at Pemberley.Net and he had no time for ‘Meryton,’ as he explained to Charlotte, who was to temporarily replace him. The truth was, of course, that he did not want to see Elizabeth. With his ego completely beaten after their fight on Friday, he did not realize that he was doing what he most hated in other people; he was giving up. Charles on the other hand, was so full of guilt after his behaviour of Saturday morning that he could not bear to leave his house.

Jane Bennet did not quit her job. She found a lawyer to represent her at Netherfield Editions and she continued writing. Her wounds began to heal. The shock that Charles caused her was almost beneficial. It gave her the determination to start her life again. A life where her happiness would be her main priority. She decided that she would never let anyone harm her again. She promised herself that she would act only in a way that would bring pleasure to her and to the people she loved. And, quite unexpectedly, her opinion on the existence of love changed once again. Somewhere happiness is awaiting me and I am going to find it. Soon.

She was concerned for her sister though. It seemed that the moment Jane found the strength to confront anyone and anything that threatened her well being, Elizabeth lost it. Jane was disappointed to find that her sister would not confide in her. Sometimes she was tempted to reveal to her that she knew everything but she always decided against it. Her heart was aching for Elizabeth, but life had taught her that the only way to solve this kind of problems was by dealing with them alone.

Elizabeth continued investigating the Ministry of Education’s projects as if her life depended upon it. Charlotte became worried about her. She watched her eating and sleeping insufficiently, and left her office very late. The only thing she could speak of was her job:

“You know, Charlotte, according to the police reports juvenile criminality…” she said for the umpteenth time one day.

“Liz, I’ve had enough of this obsession! Go home this moment. This thing is driving you mad!” Charlotte interrupted her. “Really, Liz, you look exhausted.” She was right. Elizabeth was so tired that she didn’t have the strength to argue with her.

Christmas was approaching and Elizabeth had no news from William. She had hoped that this would diminish the pain, the longing, the need for him which was burning her heart, but the suffering only grew worse from day to day. On Christmas Eve she went to work. She walked into his office and looked at his desk, his chair, his books, his collection of pens, all the things that he had ever touched. This has to stop. She thought. You are completely pathetic. She turned to leave but her cell phone began ringing. It was Charlotte and the panic in her voice prepared Elizabeth for an unpleasant piece of news. But no preparation could have been sufficient for the announcement that followed:

“Liz, I am getting married.”

“Pardon me? Married? When? With whom?” Elizabeth began thinking that she might indeed have overtired herself.

“As soon as possible. With Bill Collins.” Charlotte replied dryly.

It took several minutes to Elizabeth to find her voice and shout:

“WHAT? Are you out of your senses?”

“No, I am pregnant.” Charlotte said matter-of-factly.

A long pause. Then Elizabeth’s whisper:

“Can you repeat that, Charlotte?”

“I am pregnant, Liz. I am expecting a child. I discovered it yesterday evening and accepted Bill’s proposal this morning. It’s a good thing that he proposes every day.” She added bitterly.

“Char, dear, you cannot marry him! He’s the stupidest man ever born!”

“He is the father of my child.” Determination was evident in Charlotte’s voice.

“But you don’t have to marry him!” Elizabeth protested.

“And be a single mother instead? No thank you, Liz.”

“And what exactly is wrong with single mothers?” Elizabeth sounded indignant.

“There is nothing wrong with them.” Charlotte had regained her calmness as Elizabeth was losing it. “I admire them exceedingly. But I can’t do it, Liz.”

“You can’t do what?” Elizabeth half knew the reply and she was ready for yet another confrontation. Charlotte was her dear childhood friend, a supportive listener whenever she needed one; she was family in fact. But, sometimes her ideas were just…too adjusted to the 18th century mentality.

“I can’t stand the responsibility. I can’t stand the speculations about my personal life and the father of the child. I can’t stand the gossip. I’ve always dreaded such situations and I am not letting this happen to me.”

“The world’s opinion shouldn’t matter to you, Char.” Elizabeth hadn’t noticed how scared her friend really was. “You should care only for your happiness and the happiness of your child.”

“Don’t you see, Liz?” Charlotte’s voice showed resignation. “I am not like you. Never have been, though I wish I were. Honestly, Liz. Do you think that it is easy to be as independent and free as you? You have a gift, Liz. You are special. I am not, and Jane isn’t either. You tried to make her like you, but she isn’t. Look how hard she had to pay for it. I am not repeating the same mistake, Liz. I am getting married with Bill. He cannot fly me to the moon, but he can’t hurt me badly either. This is enough for me.”

Elizabeth was speechless, partly from her surprise and partly from her inability to contradict Charlotte’s arguments. She made one last effort. She spoke softly:

“Char, think about it again. Please. You’ll have my support. Jane’s support…” Here she paused, as she thought of her mother.

“And what about your mother’s support? And consequently my father’s? If my own family won’t forgive me, what I am to expect from the rest of the world?”

“But, Char, is Bill going to make you happy? What about your job? Will you move to Hertfordshire and work in London?”

“I am quitting my job, Liz. I will concentrate on my family.”

Elizabeth was incredulous.

“You’re abandoning a most promising career to concentrate on Bill Collins?”

“And on my baby. They are my family from now on. I love you, Liz, but don’t try my patience. I am a big woman and can decide for my self. You are not me, and you do not know my wishes.”

“I thought I did.” Elizabeth said weakly. She knew that she was defeated.

“Really, Liz? And you think that I wish to return every night to an empty, cold apartment? With no one to talk to? If you think that, then you know nothing about my wishes, Liz. I’ll be happy to see you at my wedding, but if the sight is so appalling for you, just don’t come!”

Elizabeth was astonished. She realized that she had overstepped the limits. It’s her life after all. And I’ve always said that everyone has to make their own decisions. It’s just that sometimes…people’s decisions are so disappointing! She sighed and decided to apologise. But Charlotte was engaged in the same way:

“Sorry Liz, this sounded too harsh. I didn’t mean to be so… I had hoped that… Liz, try to understand. Please. For the sake of our long friendship.”

“It’s ok, Char. I deserved it. I was interfering too much and you were right to put me back in my place. I only hope that you will be happy.”

“If you don’t want to come to the wedding, I understand.”

“No, Char, I will be there. It’s your special moment after all!”

After the conversation with Charlotte had ended, Elizabeth immediately dialed Jane’s number and informed her of the invitation she should expect very soon. Jane was as surprised as Elizabeth was, but she did a far better job than her sister in concealing it. She even asked with a voice that didn’t betray the slightest emotion:

“And what has caused this change of…feeling?” Yes, there was a trace of disgust when she uttered the last word. Jane was the best of people, but she was only human.

“Pregnancy, Jane. Pregnancy!”

“But when?” Jane asked before thinking better.

“Remember Scotland?” Elizabeth had developed a strange capacity to relate all the events in her life to that weekend.

“Right, right.” Jane replied quickly as she was trying to remove the memories that had intruded. “It was during that horrible weekend that followed…Scotland.” A sigh followed the last word.

“Exactly.” Elizabeth said but she stopped, petrified, as she heard a gasp from behind. Only then did she realize that she was still in Darcy’s office…and William was there too. For how long he had been standing behind her she couldn’t tell. He had gone pale and he was looking at her intensely. Telling Jane that she would call her later, she hastily hung up and returned her attention to him. He seemed thinner and tired. His gaze was darker and more unreadable than ever. Elizabeth attributed the changes to the responsibility of the position he was going to undertake. Her heart did whisper that perhaps he was suffering as well, but she dismissed such thoughts. She had been disappointed once: ‘Just because we’re sleeping together…’ still echoed in her ears. She couldn’t bear disappointment once again.

She didn’t speak; she didn’t know what to say. He seemed at a loss of words as well. When he finally decided to use his voice, he was not at all coherent.

“Elizabeth…I…you…must talk. We must talk.”

Before he could become more enlightening, his cell phone started ringing.

“Don! I told you that I wanted no one to disturb me! No! What? Now? I can’t! I don’t care if it is important! Yes? Who is there? Tell him that… Alright, I will.” He finally agreed. Then he hung up and turned to look at Elizabeth once again.

“I am sorry, Elizabeth. I have to go now. But we must talk as soon as possible. Are you free for dinner? Tonight?”

Elizabeth was at a loss. He hadn’t called her for weeks and now he was asking her out? Unable to think of a reason for such urgency, she only replied:

“It’s Christmas Eve.”

“And you’ve got other plans, right?” He sounded disappointed.

“Don’t you?” Elizabeth tried to avoid answering. In truth, she was still looking for a good excuse to escape her mother’s family gathering. Charlotte, though unwelcome, would be there too and she would announce her engagement. Elizabeth knew that she had to be near her friend on such an occasion, but there would be too many appalling sights in the scene. And which would be the worst? Her mother’s red face, William Lucas’s astonished one or Bill Collin’s triumphant one? It was really hard to decide.

“I don’t.” William stated simply. “Richard and Georgie are going to a party but I don’t feel like it. Tonight would be a good chance to talk. It’s important, Elizabeth. But if you are unavailable, there is nothing I can do.”

“Well, if it is that important, I think I am going to make it.” She would upon no account make things easy for him and confess what she really sacrificed to dine with him.

He smiled warmly, reminding her of scattered happy moments in the past. Why is he doing this to me? Elizabeth thought as he was saying:

“Thank you, Elizabeth. Shall I pick you up at eight?”

“Eight would be fine. Where are we going?”

“I thought of inviting you to my home. Much less noisy, you know. No one will disturb us there. Unless you object to it.”

I haven’t been to his apartment once during the five months of our relationship and he’s inviting me now that we’re on the verge of separating! Elizabeth sighed and assured him she had no objection to his plan.

“Good.” Another smile. “See you at eight then.”

“Yes.”

Talk. Important. His home. To say that Elizabeth was puzzled would be completely an understatement. She knew that they had to talk but could not account for his impatience. She expected nothing better than a separation. After their argument over Wickham and his continued absence, she couldn’t expect anything else. Convinced as she now was that he never thought seriously of their relationship, she had little or no hope that he would wish to fight for it. And it was true. What they used to share was now dying and it would take great effort to save it. He didn’t seem ready to try at all. But in truth, how ready was she?

Separation then? But why a talk about this should be that important? It was Christmas Eve after all! Even when she was most miserable in her past relationships, she avoided at all costs separations during Christmas. She didn’t want to spoil the magic and poison her favourite season of the year. The irony was, of course, that her father had left on December 20th. The people I love leave me when it hurts the most. Was William so anxious to free himself that he didn’t care for the pain he inflicted? Why? What had happened? It seemed too cruel and whatever his faults were, cruelty did not reside among them. Had these three weeks away changed him so much, or was it she who had never truly known him? But why did he smile like this? Elizabeth thought that her head would burst.

One thought prevailed: Whatever happens tonight, I will save my dignity. I have compromised it long enough. I will not let him leave me. I will leave him first.

Darcy arrived at her house a quarter of an hour earlier than their appointment, but it was of little consequence since she had been ready and waiting for him for at least one hour. The drive to his home was silent, with Christmas songs playing on the radio. Elizabeth sighed at the irony of the situation.

William Darcy was a very wealthy man and his house could not be anything less than immense. It was decorated with elegance and good taste. Clearly Darcy didn’t want to show off but rather live in a pleasant and comfortable environment. The house excited admiration but not awe. Still Elizabeth found it lacking in something. There were no photos, no little treasures, nothing to remind him of the past, of his childhood, of his college years, of his family. And there was something in the air, too. Elizabeth could not explain it very well, but she suddenly understood. Memories were missing from that house. She felt momentarily sorry for him, but then she checked herself. I must help myself first. I f I suffer, I cannot make anyone happy. Neither him nor me.

Dinner was delicious but they both felt so uncomfortable that the cook’s efforts were not appreciated as much as they should have been. They made attempts to have a casual conversation but they failed miserably. William was constantly inquiring after her health and appetite. Elizabeth attributed his weird behaviour to nervousness but she became tired of assuring him that she was doing fine and that she found the food exquisite. Finally the dessert came and it consisted of chocolate cake in the shape of a heart. Elizabeth, who had been drinking water, almost choked. William, who had been previously sitting opposite to her, though not very far away, moved to the chair that was just next to hers. He looked at her for another long moment, inhaled deeply, took her hand into his and said:

“Elizabeth Bennet, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”

Elizabeth had not expected this. She had gotten prepared for a separation. If he had asked simply for a reunion, she wouldn’t have been shocked. But a proposal from the great William Darcy, who had never said that he loved her, who was constantly making it evident that he didn’t want to become too much involved with her…this was too much for words or rational thoughts. Before she could respond in any way, she felt his hand softly caressing hers. Smiling again, he moved one hand to his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet box. Elizabeth was sure that she was dreaming; and she couldn’t decide if it was the best dream or the worse nightmare she’d ever had. He opened the box and revealed the most beautiful ring she had ever seen. When, as a little girl, she had envisioned her engagement ring, she always imagined that it would be like the one she had now before her. It was not the size but the details that made it special. The way the stone was united with the rest of the ring, embracing it, making it complete. Two elements that were so different but suited each other to perfection. Elizabeth was amazed that he could still read her mind and guess her every wish. She admired the ring and forgot about the proposal. William was still looking at her, his hand never leaving hers. He took the ring and slid it through her finger, closing her hand into his. Then he brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it.

The sense of his lips burning Elizabeth’s skin finally brought her back to reality. Thoughts and images invaded. A cascade. Their whole relationship passed before her eyes. “Nice to meet you, Miss Bennet.” … “You may call me, William…Elizabeth.” … “I’ve wanted to kiss you the whole night Elizabeth.” … “I want you. Desperately so.” … “Good morning, Elizabeth. Always a pleasure to wake up here.” … “No one must learn about this. No one. For your sake. For my sake. For your career, Elizabeth, and for my reputation as an employer. You said so as well.” … “Elizabeth Bennet? For God’s sake, Charles, don’t tell me that you think her beautiful?” … “She is not at all to my taste.”… “When will she stop haunting me? She didn’t care for her own children.” … “There is only one room that suits me, Elizabeth. Yours.”… Scotland, Scotland. The kiss, the night. “Just because we’re sleeping together…”… Scotland… “Just sleeping together.”

She lifted her head to look into his eyes, to escape her turmoil. They were smiling. She looked better, more deeply. And then she knew. And she was shocked to know. She finally spoke:

“This is fake!”

“I beg your pardon?” Until this moment William was only curious as to if she would say ‘Yes’ or ‘I will.’ This was out of the plan.

“Fake, Will! Forced, untrue! The romantic dinner, the ridiculous cake, your astonishing attitude…but most of all your eyes, Will! Your eyes are lying! You are lying, Will!”

“Elizabeth, be serious.” He became annoyed. He had done everything in his power to prepare the romantic atmosphere that should accompany his proposal in less than half a day, but Elizabeth was not cooperating. “Do you think me capable of proposing in jest? I mean every word of it! Do you want me to repeat it?”

“You mean it? It’s obvious that you’re doing this against your will. You may have tried to open as little as possible in our relationship, but so far I can safely say: You hate the whole fantasy more than I do now.”

“Elizabeth, this is ridiculous. Why should I propose against my will? It would be insane!”

“I don’t know, Will. You tell me.”

“Elizabeth, you are a logical woman and this is not…”

“Repeat it, Will.”

“What? Are you playing games with me, Elizabeth?”

“I am not. You offered to say the words again just a minute ago. Please do.”

William spoke, but his voice was angry and totally unsuited to accompany the words he was uttering:

“Elizabeth Bennet, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

“Just this.” She commented. “You want to say nothing more?”

“What more is there to say?” He shouted.

“Why do you want me to become your wife, Will?”

“What?” He was incredulous.

“Did you expect me to rejoice in the proposal so much and to be so ecstatic in the prospect of marrying you that I would not notice the absurdity of the situation?”

He didn’t speak. His face was red with anger. No one had offended him like this in his whole life. She continued:

“We have a fight. The fault is yours, Will, because you have never told me anything about you or your family. You insult me, and then you decide to tell me a story – at last! – and you expect me to understand and feel mortified. I respect your wishes. You disappear. Not a phone call for three weeks. You called Charlotte, not me! And now you decide to make an impressive come back and… propose Will? I could say that the distance made you think and suffer…suffer as much as I did, Will!” She could contain her tears no longer. She was speaking quickly and had trouble in breathing. Her words were sharp, a knife ready to kill. She went on:

“Yes, I could have believed that. I could. If I were talking with another man, I would have believed it. Even if you had not been like this tonight, I would have happily deluded myself. As I have done all these months by your side!” She shouted. She paused just to recover breath and continued: “But, Will, it is all too clear now.”

“What IS clear?” He shouted, beside himself with rage. He had never had so much trouble understanding anyone in his life.

“What are you offering me, Will?”

“Elizabeth, stop it. Stop this game now. I will not be responsible of the consequences if you don’t.”

“I am not afraid of you, Will. You cannot hurt me more than you already have. Just what are you offering me?”

“I was willing to give you my name, my home, my belongings. A family. A healthy, normal family.”

“I don’t care for your name, I don’t care for your home, I loath your belongings!” she cried. “A normal family? You have no idea what this means… Me neither.” His eyes were dangerously dark. “Please forgive my outburst, Will. And what do you want me to give you in return? What can I possibly offer you? You do not seem to need anything I have in my power to give.”

“The d**n baby you carry, Elizabeth!” William was very angry. And, as one great authoress has said, angry people are not always wise. William was, evidently, extremely far from wise that moment. And each moment that passed, he was losing his powers of behaving like his usual self.

Elizabeth’s mind was working fervently. Baby I carry? This acting, this deceit, this parody of dinner had happened because he thought her carrying a baby?

“You think that I am pregnant.” She stated, not asked.

“Don’t try to deny it, Elizabeth! And don’t try to deny that you were thinking of marriage. I heard you. I heard you on the phone with Jane. You said that it happened in Scotland and will result in marriage. You can’t deny it Elizabeth! You know you can’t. So, let’s forget everything of this disastrous evening. I’ll propose again tomorrow and everything will be all right.”

Elizabeth was not speaking. She was too absorbed in thinking. William thought it a good sign. And he chose the moment to commit his fatal mistake.

“I know what you’re thinking. That tonight I have not proved myself strong enough to protect you. But I will. I promise I will.”

“Protect me?” Elizabeth repeated, as she had difficulty in following him while she kept thinking.

“Protect you from the gossip. From the comparisons with your sister. It’s too great a coincidence, Elizabeth. Both marrying so rich and important men by telling them you were pregnant. And Jane even lied about that! Don’t you know how many people will laugh at me for being a fool? They will think that you have trapped me in a marriage that I don’t want.”

“That would be true, Will.” Elizabeth said. Darcy was surprised by the irony in her voice. When he looked in her eyes, he was terrified. He knew that something had gone very wrong. For the first time he found them hollow, devoid of any liveliness, empty, without feeling.

“Oh, yes, it would be true, Will. You definitely do not want this marriage. Guess what, Will! I am going to free you! Be happy: I am not pregnant. Charlotte is, and to my great regret, she’s getting married with the idiot man that is her child’s father. And it happened the weekend after Scotland! Oh, please, let me finish. Except if you are so anxious to take your proposal back. Can you give me one more minute, Will?”

He cast his eyes down and didn’t speak. Her harsh words filled him with fear as they were pointing at a way with no return.

“I have even better news for you Will! I am freeing you not only from your proposal, but from whatever else we had. You see, Will, I do not dare to call it a relationship any longer. So, Will, I don’t want to see you again. But I must warn you. If you dare to accuse my sister as you have just done right now, so unjustly, with such cruelty, arrogance and contempt, I will have to see you again. In court. She has been too liberal to the monster she was married to, but my patience is over! I don’t give a d**n about Bingley in case you’re wondering. Actually I am glad that he showed his true self so early and left us alone. But no one is going to speak ill of my sister again. I swear.”

“Jason Younge has saved my family. I trust him!” William protested with zeal.

“Too bad for you. You’ll discover that he’s a scoundrel some day but it will be too late for you!’

“Elizabeth, it must be a misunderstanding. Please. I know things didn’t go well this evening, and that we won’t be marrying anytime soon, but I want to sort this out.”

Elizabeth looked at him. He had hurt her, he had killed a part of her, and he had abandoned her by not trusting her and trusting others. She had never told him any particulars about Jane’s divorce, but she had told him that Jane had suffered near her ex-husband. Wasn’t it enough for him? He should have asked her if he had wanted to learn more. But he hadn’t. He didn’t want anything to do with her family. Still, she loved him. And she was losing him. And she dreaded the loss. Again.

“Say something to make me stay, Will.”

“What?”

“Make me stay, Will. Say one word. Say why you want me here.”

William couldn’t answer. Tears were streaming down her cheeks.

“I love you, Will! Make me stay!” She implored for the last time.

But William had frozen. The word love echoed in his ears. He had not heard it directed to him for years. She loved him! Could she? And she was leaving? She couldn’t love him and leave! Could she? Speak, William, speak! He thought. I can’t! I can’t say it and it’s killing me! He heard a voice screaming inside him.

Elizabeth was looking at him, crying without restraint now. She waited for a minute. He lowered his eyes. She pulled a handkerchief out of her handbag, cleaned her eyes and said in a low voice.

“We are over, Will.”

She closed the door and left without looking behind. Thus she didn’t notice William burying his head into his hands and she didn’t hear him whispering to himself between his sobs: “I’ve lost her…I’ve lost her too…”

Back to the safety of her house, Elizabeth wondered how she could ever remove the pain that resided in her chest. She had said goodbye to the only man she could ever love, to the only man that could make her happy. It was over. She had left. Just like her father had done. Had she inflicted so much pain on Will as her father had on her? No, that was impossible. She didn’t want to hurt Will, she had to leave. To save them both. Just like her father had done. Her father was right in leaving, wasn’t he? Then why did the right decisions hurt so much? It was so confusing…

She cried herself to sleep, but nightmares did not let her rest. Somewhere she heard a phone ringing. She opened her eyes. It was six in the morning. What day was it? Oh, Christmas! Who was calling so early? She both hoped and feared that it was Will.

“Hello?” She answered the phone hesitatingly.

“Good morning, Elise.”

CHAPTER 7

Posted on Thursday, 18 August 2005

Georgiana Darcy looked at her cousin, the famous, sexy, strong, divine Richard Fitzwilliam who was snoring loudly and not at all divinely, just next to her. Hardly had they entered the car that was to take them home than he surrendered to sleep. No wonder he felt so tired, it was five in the morning and he had not stopped dancing since eleven. She sighed, as she realized that she should not take his presence at the Christmas table for granted. The lunch wouldn’t be crowded in any case. Her brother, Richard and she, as well as Richard’s bodyguard and his personal assistant would taste her cooking, as William had sent all his staff to their homes to celebrate with their families. Someone must have fun, she thought, painfully aware of the fact that she had never had fun during the festivities. Holidays only reminded her of how differently she felt from the rest of the world, as if she was an intruder. And they also reminded her of the two men who had tried to change this, only to betray her and leave her lonelier than ever.

She quickly dismissed these thoughts. Tonight, she had had fun. Not the same way as her cousin, but she had enjoyed herself as well as she could. She had even danced once or twice, she drank, though she rarely tasted alcohol, and she had watched the liveness, the carefree expressions, the diffused euphoria of the multitude. She had almost become part of it. Almost. There always was a restraint, a barrier that prevented her from feeling…normal, part of a team. Perhaps she was special. Perhaps she was too much like her brother. In any case, she was glad that she had let Richard drag her with him and she wished her brother had followed her example as well. He could use some relaxing. His mood had darkened even more than usual since their return from the States, although he seemed almost happy there. Almost. She sighed once again. This word - almost - seemed to haunt the Darcy children.

The car stopped. Despite her efforts, Richard would not wake up. He remained at his place, with his mouth agape, producing snores as loud as ever. She thought of leaving him there. However, even though Christmas was not so special to her, she refused to let any family member wake in a car with a hangover on Christmas Day. So she just sat next to him, undetermined, until his bodyguard got out of the car and returned to Richard’s sitting place a moment later, saying, with such a low voice that Georgiana was sure Richard could not hear:

“Richard, if you don’t wake up and get out of the car this moment, the water that is contained in the bucket I hold will visit your expensive face. And, Richard, it is NOT clear water.”

Richard did hear and obey with an alacrity that provoked Georgiana’s rare chuckles. Only a minute later he was standing in front of Darcy’s door with such a lively look on his face that one could swear that he had been awake for hours.

“Your bodyguard knows how to make you behave, cousin.” Georgiana commented before opening the door.

“Monika? You haven’t seen anything yet. Do not let her slim figure trick you, Anna. Trust me. You don’t know what she’s capable of.” Richard replied with a look that betrayed both fear and admiration.

After they had opened the door, however, all previous thoughts were forgotten and one new prevailed: What has happened to the house? What has happened to Will? The hallway was full of glass. Every vase they had in the house was there – broken. The paintings had fallen down, the window had broken too, the curtains were torn, and there were marks on the walls as if someone had been hitting them. Georgiana ran terrified to her brother’s room and screamed upon not finding him there. Richard, who had already hurt his hand when he tried to pick a piece of glass from the floor, was imploring Alex, his assistant, to call the police. Monika intervened and stopped him. She assured him that no thief or murderer could have entered the house without the immediate arrival of the Security men and the policemen. Moreover she was certain that the whole mess was created by only one man whose purpose was to destroy everything that surrounded him. “I think that your cousin Darcy has had a breakdown, Richard.” She finished. He calmed down and accepted his assistant’s care of his hand.

Georgiana was running like mad from room to room until she found Darcy in the room that used to be their mother’s office. It had been empty, without any furniture, and locked, for years. He had fallen asleep. She was more than surprised to see the stains on his cheeks that showed that he had been crying. His fingers were bleeding. His left hand rested upon the right protectively. She removed it. The right hand apparently held something but surprisingly his fist was very tight and Georgiana could not see what it was. Next to him on the floor, there was a photograph torn to pieces. Georgiana put them in the right order; she was good at puzzles. Then she sighed in relief. At least I know what is wrong with him. She called the other three to help her take him to his room. When they had put him on his bed, Monika and Alex left. Georgiana looked at William who was sleeping not so peacefully and then turned to Richard who still had no clue about what was going on, and she said:

“Who would have thought it, Richard! Will in love!”

“Pardon me?” Richard promised himself that he would never drink again as much as he had this night. He was sure he was having hallucinations.

“Look at this, Richard.” And she showed him the photograph.

Richard recognized William and his friend Charles Bingley in front of a birthday cake with a pack of persons he had never seen before. Next to Charles stood one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen – and he had seen lots of women in Hollywood. Another woman was holding Will’s arm possessively. Even though he was drunk and tired he didn’t fail to notice the mercenary look in her eyes. A bit disappointed, he asked:

“Will is in love with this woman?”

“You men can sometimes be completely blind!” Georgiana said in mock contempt. “Will is in love with this woman!” She said pointing at the brunette at the other side of the photograph. Richard looked better and discovered that Will and that woman were indeed looking at each other but he couldn’t read their feelings. Georgiana interpreted his puzzlement correctly and said:

“I will be proven right, Richard. Goodnight… and don’t you dare disappear from the Christmas table. I will send Monika to fetch you!”

“I’ll be there, I’ll be there…” He said with resignation.

William opened his eyes next morning with the feeling that something dreadful had happened. For two seconds he tried to remember what was causing the bitterness that burdened his chest. And when he did recall what had happened he wished he hadn’t. Elizabeth’s otherwise beautiful face, full of anger, disdain and determination haunted him. His normal self would be mad at her, offended and unforgiving. His normal self wouldn’t be willing to give anything he had to change the previous night. He wouldn’t long for her so badly. He would have already forgotten her eyes, her voice, her touch, the feeling of her skin against his, the sweetness of her mouth, the curves of her body. However, he was nothing like his normal self this morning.

Will relived the previous night second by second. He could describe every change of her countenance; he could now explain her feelings. He shuddered as he recalled her voice, imploring him to make her stay, saying that she loved him. She loved him? Yet she had left! Like his mother had done. William Darcy was in the place of his father now. Had it hurt him so badly? Had he felt, too, that life had no pleasure to offer him anymore? Because this was what William was now feeling: That he could never be happy again. Was he happy when he was with Elizabeth then? He was. But he didn’t know it.

She said that she loved him and she left. She was wrong in doing this, of that he was certain. Elizabeth was a fighter in her life and this time she had given up. She had to stay and fight. William knew that he had been weak, unpardonably weak. He knew that he had not tried hard enough. But Elizabeth hadn’t tried hard enough either. She didn’t want to fight alone. But if she had truly loved him, she would have found the strength to fight alone. She would have found patience. She would have waited. He couldn’t say the blasted words the night before, he still couldn’t utter them. He needed help and she had left. She had let him down. It was selfish of him to think like this, Will knew it, but he couldn’t help feeling betrayed. By his mother, by Elizabeth. By the women he had…he still couldn’t say it.

He looked at his fingers. They were stained with the blood that had dried. He remembered his despair the night before, the wish to make everything around him vanish, because everything he was looking at brought him new waves of pain. He wondered what Georgie and Richard would have thought at seeing the house in such a state. He realized that they had brought him in his room, because the last memory he had from last night was his kneeling and crying in his mother’s now empty office, like a wounded beast. He had cried for the past, the present but most of all for the future.

He looked at his tight fist. Slowly he opened his hands. The ring was there. The ring that had adorned her finger last night. The ring that belonged to her finger. It was made for her and she had thrown it back to him, saying: “We’re over, Will.” She had given it back. But it belonged to her. He was certain that it belonged to her. Fresh tears threatened to appear as he was looking at it. She left me. She didn’t stay. She didn’t love me. I was a fool to believe that there could be love. Because I believed it. For a moment I did believe it. And now it hurts a thousand times more.

Had he voiced his last thoughts? He was sure he hadn’t. But either he was mistaken or his sister was a mind reader – who, by the way, could enter and stay in a room for a while going completely unnoticed. Little did he know that his sister had spent most of the night in his room, watching him talking in his sleep, calling Elizabeth’s name and deploring his lost love repeatedly. Very concerned, Georgiana came to his room and checked on him many times that morning, despite the fact that cooking obliged her stay in the kitchen most of the time. By the time William woke up, his sister had a fair idea of what was going on in his mind.

“Will, she did love you. But that doesn’t mean that she was obliged to stay and be your therapist.”

William looked at his sister the same way that he would have looked at an extra terrestrial if one happened to appear that morning.

“I beg your pardon?”

“The woman in the photo, the beautiful brunette with the perfect eyes that was looking at you, the woman who was here last night, the woman who left you, Elizabeth, Will, DID love you.”

“Georgie, have you been spying on me?”

“Anna, Will! For the umpteenth time, please call me ANNA!”

“But…”

“It’s my wish, Will. Everyone else respects it. Why don’t you?”

“But it’s her name!”

“By her you’re referring to our mother, I suppose? You haven’t forgiven her, have you Will?”

“She is responsible for the misery of our lives!”

“No, she is not! At least not any more than our father and ourselves!”

“Our father?” William couldn’t believe that his sister was so ungrateful to the parent that had stayed with them. “Our father who spent his life mourning her loss and raising us?” He was astonished. He had always assumed that she disapproved of their mother’s actions as much as he did. They had never talked about it before. Why hadn’t they? It seemed too obvious or perhaps too painful? How could they have acted as if nothing had happened for so long? Twenty-two years of silence, he thought. Twenty-two years of misunderstanding? He couldn’t believe it. Georgiana was as much hurt as he was. She had suffered from the lack of a mother’s guidance. Had she been thinking differently than him all these years? And why had she chosen that moment to show him her true feelings? Now that the wounds inside him seemed unlikely to ever heal? Why was she adding to his pain?

Georgiana sensed her brother’s suffering and tried to control her rage. She tried to speak in a soft voice, she really did. But after all these years she finally released her anger, her own bitterness and disappointment. Gradually, her voice became louder and her tone harsher. Her green eyes were full of determination.

“Our father who removed her every trace. Our father who sold her clothes, her furniture, her belongings, who tore her pictures, who never spoke her name, who made me forget that I had a mother. That I needed a mother.” She paused for a moment and took a deep breath. She prepared herself for what she was about to utter; for what she was about to admit. She looked at her brother, tenderness returning to her face. She felt like a mother who wanted to protect her child, but had to tell him the horrible truth. “Our father, Will, who made her leave.”

“WHAT?” He yelled at her. “That is preposterous!”

“Why did our mother leave us Will?” She asked calmly.

“I don’t know! And I don’t care!” William said with the stubbornness of a wounded child.

“I don’t know either, brother. But I do care. And I will find out. And you should care too, because this is the only way to win your brunette back!”

William was shocked. He had never expected that his morning conversation with his younger sister could take this direction. And now her meaning became too accurate for him to ignore. Deep inside him, he always knew that his insecurities were poisoning what he had with Elizabeth. The insecurities that his mother had caused him. But hearing the truth coming from Georgiana’s lips was a completely different thing. He almost feared to ask her to become more explicit. Finally, he met her gaze and uttered hesitatingly:

“Georgie…”

“I said ANNA!” She cried with in a desperate tone. Georgiana was very sorry for what she was doing to her brother, but she knew that the only way to help him was to show him that he was being willingly blind.

“Fine! Anna!” He shouted, his efforts to control his temper having miserably failed. “Well, Anna, will you be kind enough to tell me how the justification of our mother’s unpardonable behavior will promote my happiness?”

Georgiana didn’t answer immediately. She was striving to find the right words to convey exactly what she had in mind. Despite her previous outburst, she was not at all angry with her brother. She was only grieving for him. She had always thought him stronger, with a heart unlikely to ever be touched. She didn’t know that he resembled her so much, suffering but not letting anyone know it. And now that she was discovering the truth, there was nothing but love and compassion in her heart. She wanted to help him, to save him; as much as she wanted to save herself. Finally she decided to speak. She was half-smiling, but melancholy was mirrored in her eyes.

“If you can be persuaded that our mother never stopped loving you, you will understand that you don’t have to possess someone in order to love them and be loved in return.” She sighed. “Mother’s behavior, as you interpret it, has destroyed your faith in people. If you understand her, you will be released.”

“But, Georgie…sorry, Anna, there is always the possibility that she just ran away with the chauffer!” His tone was much softer now, somewhat wistful.

“She didn’t.” She said, and her confidence amazed even herself. “But even if she had, she wouldn’t have been a good person; you wouldn’t need her love, in that case. It’s not the thought that she was a horrible mother that’s eating you, Will. It’s the thought that she was as good as you remember her to be, full of pure love for everyone except you. The problem lies with you, Will, and with what you think of yourself.”

He remained silent. She continued, looking directly into his eyes. Hers were consoling; they were caressing him, sensing the vulnerability inside him. Georgiana had been forced to mature abruptly. After being betrayed and so hurt eight years before, she had faced her inner fears. Maybe she had not won the battle yet, but she knew what she was fighting against. She had stopped deluding herself very long ago. She had realized that happiness was impossible to attain without knowing the truth. She was determined to find it in order to forgive the others; in order to forgive herself. And now she realized that her brother needed exactly the same. They had not been close, and they rarely confided in each other. But now they were allies. They would go through this together. A warmth filled Georgiana at the thought. She walked towards William, smiled and took his hand into hers as she said:

“The truth will free you, Will. And we’ll find it together, I promise.” His sister gave him comfort and relief. Everything would be fine. Everything? What about Elizabeth? Nothing could be fine without Elizabeth. He resumed his former grave look. Georgiana spoke again:

“But first, Will, I believe you owe me another story. And you owe an explanation to all four people who found you in that state this morning.”

William nodded. He never talked about his personal life, but he owed it to these people. He had given them quite a fright on such a day. The least he could do was to explain why he had behaved as a lunatic.

“I believe I do, Anna. But please, I need to eat something at first.” He said in a more casual tone.

“Of course you do. It’s lunch time. Take a hot bath and we’ll wait for you downstairs.” She walked until she reached the door, but then she turned back and smiled. “And, Will, merry Christmas!”

Nothing is merry without Elizabeth, he despaired. But, knowing that Georgiana deserved something better than his sadness, he forced himself to smile back.

“Merry Christmas, Anna.”

When William made his appearance in the dining-room, he felt his embarrassment overwhelming him. He was well aware of the fact that the people he was to have lunch with had witnessed the effects of his crisis the night before. He realized that he felt safe in his relationships with people only when he could inspire admiration or awe. Now he was completely vulnerable, expecting nothing better than sympathy or compassion. He hated to excite compassion. He joined them at the table trying to resume the most dignified look he could manage, when Monika spoke:

“Mr. Darcy, don’t worry. We can all act as if nothing has happened and be a very merry party, if this is what you want. We have done it many times. Ask your cousin.”

Darcy choked, Georgiana laughed, Alex smiled and Richard protested:

“Monika, it’s ok to try to make him feel better, but is it necessary to destroy my reputation?”

“Richard dear, your reputation is based on vague rumors like this.”

“So true.” He sighed and everyone except Darcy laughed.

Darcy had a pensive look. He didn’t know what to say, where to begin with, and how much to reveal. He hadn’t figured out his feelings, and now he had to talk about them to a group of people. It felt like…therapy. He had never tried it and he scorned the tactic as a proof of weakness. But then he realized that no one could be accused of weakness more than himself. And that it took courage and bravery to take a deep look inside you and share with others what you found there. He was ready to do it, no matter how much pain it would cost him. To be a better man. To be the man Elizabeth deserved to have by her side. Even if she never returned to him. He cleared his throat.

“Normally, I would pretend that everything is perfect. But it isn’t. Something happened to me last night, something that hurts badly. Since you have born the consequences, you are entitled to know the cause as well. But let us eat first.”

Georgiana had never seen her brother so open and willing to speak about his feelings and to reveal what was going on in his mind. At last! He acts differently than our father! Time to stop repeating the old mistakes. She gave him a tender smile that showed her approval. And she realized that despite everything her mood was better than ever. Because she had talked. Because she knew she could share her problems with her brother. Life didn’t seem so difficult if you could rely on other people. Her gaze moved to everyone around the table. Richard, Monika, William, Alex. Alex was looking at her and she felt a wave of warmth coming from his brown eyes. She closed her eyes. Everything would be fine.

The doorbell rang. William stood up immediately, saying:

“Apparently, you cleaned the house. It’s my turn to open the door.”

A few moments later, Charles entered the dining room. Everyone looked at him in surprise. They had asked him to join them for Christmas lunch but he had declined the invitation. Darcy reminded him of Jane and he was not ready to face the memory yet. So he had chosen another party that his sister attended as well. But everyone was too happy there for his dark mood, so he had stood up and left without offering the slightest explanation. The host was very offended and Caroline would have shot her brother for embarrassing her so terribly, had she only possessed a gun. Charles walked to the Darcy house without realizing it. He related his story like an automaton, as if he was programmed to do so. Only when he finished, tears appeared in his eyes and he exclaimed with feeling:

“I can’t stand it! Why does it hurt so badly?”

“Tell me at least that it is not the same woman that makes them both suffer.” Monika whispered. And for the first time Richard felt that he knew something that his bodyguard didn’t. He remembered the photograph.

“No, it isn’t.” He answered.

“Good. I hate soap operas.” She commented dryly.

In the meantime, Charles had joined them at the table after William’s invitation. But he could not eat. He had become a shadow of his former self. He had lost weight, he had cut his hair very short and resembled a prisoner. His eyes, that used to be bright with laughter and mischief, were now empty. He didn’t touch his fork. Georgiana sighed. It seemed that everyone had chosen this particular Christmas to have their hearts broken. Well, she had chosen this Christmas to become brave and help everyone. She smiled at Charles and asked in a low voice.

“Do you want to talk about it Charles? If you do, I am sure no one will mind William’s leaving us for some time and joining you in his office. I will fetch dessert later.”

“Oh, I have not much to say and I don’t mind your listening to my story.” He stated bluntly and continued, feeling the tears returning as pain sharpened his handsome features. “I loved a woman… and it was different this time. I mean I’ve had many women, but this… I wanted to wait. My body was screaming, but I could wait… I’ve never wanted anyone so much…And I could wait…because I wanted her to be happy…And she was proven to be... a total…”

Georgiana wished that Charles refrained from cosmetics. He paused and no one dared interrupt him. They waited for several minutes silently. At last, he cried in despair:

“But I still love her!” He was breathing with difficulty, as if the pain was so heavy in his chest that it didn’t permit the air to enter. “I can’t stop! I can’t! I’ve tried! I went to…what’s her name, Jessica? Oh, who cares! All I could think of was her! How am I going to stop seeing her face wherever I am going?”

William’s expression was dark, full of regret. First of all, he could see that his friend was suffering, almost as much as himself. He felt unable to offer any solace, completely helpless. Then he remembered Elizabeth’s words regarding Jason Younge: “Too bad for you. You’ll discover that he’s a scoundrel some day but it will be too late for you!” He looked at Georgiana, who was very pensive. Charles went on:

“And I went to her house… And I hurt her! And I was right…But I can’t forgive myself for what I have done! I can’t forgive her…I can’t forgive myself.”

The doorbell rang once again put an end to his ramblings. As William rose, Monika whispered to her employer:

“If we’re going to have another broken hearted person here, you’re doubling my salary!”

Richard nodded silently.

As William opened the door, all he could see was a tight fist coming towards him. Before he had time to do anything, he felt an unbearable pain in his left eye. He lost his balance and fell down. His hand moved instinctively to his eye that was full with tears. He opened his other eye and saw Jane looking indignantly at him. She shouted:

“Where is my sister? What have you done to her?”

All the pain disappeared at the thought of Elizabeth. He asked hastily, every fiber of his body shaking, overwhelmed with worry.

“Something has happened to Elizabeth? Speak, Jane!” He cried in agony.

“You should know better than me!” She replied angrily.

“Jane… you know?” He asked hesitatingly.

“Is this all that you have to say?” She looked at him with contempt.

Meanwhile, the others had heard William’s falling and had come to the hallway. Now they were watching the scene silently.

Darcy didn’t answer and Jane continued.

“Yes, I know! I know that it’s you who broke her heart! Who made her suffer! Who trifled with her!” At William’s puzzled expression, she explained: “She got drunk and told me everything one night but even she doesn’t remember it! My sister drunk! Because of you!”

William had got up just in time to receive another slap. Everyone looked in awe. Monika stepped forward:

“Look, Jane – it’s Jane isn’t it? – you really seem very talented and if you want to work as a bodyguard like me you’ll have a wonderful career, but this man here has had an awful night. Don’t be tough on him dear.”

“What about my sister’s awful night?” Jane shouted.

“How is she?” William asked with a soft voice, having obviously forgotten that the woman before him had hit him twice.

“I don’t know! She disappeared! I can’t stand this suspense!” She burst into tears. William was petrified. What if she did something stupid in her despair? Oh, my God, this is my fault! I must find her. I must find her now and beg for her forgiveness.

“We must find her! We must find her now!” He voiced his thoughts, trying hard to think rationally. They had not a moment to lose. “Jane, where can she possibly have gone? Have you got any clues?”

“She left me a note.” Jane replied in a calmer voice than before. She was a good woman and even though her concern for her sister was uppermost in her thoughts, she could not help being affected by Darcy’s reaction. He seemed in turmoil and she tried to check her own feelings in order to spare him some of the pain he was obviously experiencing.

She took a paper out of her bag and handed it to William. He recognized Elizabeth’s handwriting and could see that her hand had been trembling while writing:

Dearest Jane
I know that it is too selfish of me to leave you now, without an explanation and without revealing where I am going. And, honestly, I am tired of secrecy. But I have to do this, trust me. I’ll come back and explain everything, and never hide anything from you again. I promise. And I will bring someone with me. Everything will be fine. I love you and I hate giving you pain. But I have to cure this on my own. Please don’t try to find me. I won’t be gone for long.
Elizabeth

William read it again and again. Everyone was looking at him, waiting for his reaction.

“She doesn’t want to be found.” He said at last with such defeated bitterness in his voice that even Jane felt sorry for him. Georgiana could not see him give up. Not after the talk they had had. Not in the middle of the healing process.

“Doesn’t she, Will? Are you sure? Don’t do what our father did, Will.” She said. Only then Jane turned and looked at them. Her gaze fell hard upon Charles, but upon meeting Georgiana’s eyes, an expression of shock diffused all over her face.

“You!” She said. “The woman with Jason! The photos! Eight years ago!” she uttered.

Even Monika who was prepared for everything did not expect anything like this. William opened his mouth to speak, but no sounds came. Richard decided that he would have to play only in comedies for the next three years to make up for the drama he was living now. Alex’s eyes rested worryingly on Georgiana, who had gone completely pale. With a voice that was barely heard, she asked:

“You’re Jason’s wife?”

Charles, not having the slightest clue of what was going on, moved forward and said harshly:

“You have given enough pain to everyone, Jane! Leave us alone!”

This time it was his cheek that felt the effects of Jane’s admirable right hook. Monika was the first to recover and ask:

“Anna dear, did you sleep with a married man? Eight years ago?”

“I didn’t know it! He didn’t tell me! I am so sorry… So very sorry…” She murmured between her sobs. Alex moved to support her as she began to collapse in grief.

William felt all his blood leaving him. He grabbed the door for support. Oh, my God… What does this mean? A married man? Jane… Jane’s husband? Could she? Oh, my God…OH MY GOD!!! Jason Younge! He was the other!!! The hypocrite, the snake, the man I trusted! The man that I thought I was indebted to… All this time, all these years… Lies? There was darkness around him. He was oblivious to all the faces talking to him, looking at him worriedly, touching his hands and shoulders. There was only darkness, nothing else. And then, emerging slowly, came Elizabeth’s face. Elizabeth’s words followed, echoing in his ears. Realization struck him, like lightening. She was right! Oh, my God, she was right! She was right about everything. And now it’s too late, it’s all too late. What have I done? What have I done?

“Oh, Elizabeth!” He exclaimed in a voice that no one recognized. And then he noticed all the puzzled faces looking at him. He saw Georgiana’s fear, but there was no compassion for her in his heart – not yet. He yelled at her:

“Why didn’t you tell me? What on earth were you thinking? You were lecturing ME about the truth when YOU have spent the last eight years lying to me! How could you? How could you do this to me?” He buried his face in his hands in an unsuccessful attempt to conceal his tears from the others.

Richard was watching his two cousins acting as he had never seen them before. His heart was aching for them. He felt that he would give anything just to remove this tension, this anger and bitterness from their souls. However, and despite the fact that he was used to having all his wishes coming true, he was completely incapable of offering any solace now. He sat without speaking and his eyes met Monika’s. For the first time he saw a sympathetic smile on her face that warmed his heart immediately.

Charles knew that something had gone very wrong. He collected the scattered phrases, the meanings behind the unfinished sentences, the angry exclamations and the questions that remained without answer. He felt helpless, fighting something that was bigger than him. He was trying so hard to understand. He looked at Jane. Her face was almost white and her whole body was shaking. He wanted to support her, to go and help her. He wanted to forget, but he couldn’t. Jane’s face didn’t let him forget. Her gaze was fixed on Georgiana, her eyes wide open, her lips trembling, silently inquiring the other woman. Georgiana could not control her sobs any longer. She had wanted to leave everything behind her; she had decided not to let the painful memories intrude any more. And now everything was back, threatening to destroy her life once again.

“I thought , I thought it was of no importance…” She managed to answer breathing heavily.

“Of no importance!” William shouted, his eyes looking directly into hers once more. “You destroyed my only chance at happiness! Now, do you consider this important, Georgiana?”

Monika took pity of Georgiana and intervened: “I am afraid that only we can destroy our own happiness. No one else. Now, everyone in the living room. I believe Anna and William have something to share with us. Jane, please come, too. We’ll find your sister.”

“I met Jason Younge when I finished high school. It was at a party. He was the handsomest man that I had ever met. Charming, funny, interested in me. Nobody had been interested in me before… It’s ok, Will, it’s ok. He never said anything about being married, engaged or even dating anyone else. He had so much time to give to me, how was I to suppose that… Well, he did ask me to conceal it, but it didn’t seem strange. I was rich, and he was four years older than me and people would say…I didn’t know that he was rich as well. I was too young to judge properly. And I was too happy to want to judge properly! Whenever something seemed amiss, I found a way to justify it. I was good at deluding myself. Darcys are always good at this. And Jason did everything in his power to help me overlook the tiny details. He even took me to excursions for weekends. And…Well, I was happy…Until George Wickham came. He didn’t say anything about Jason at first; he tried to win me in his own way. But he was too self-confident, too sure about everything… Something scared me about him. He didn’t hesitate to speak ill of my mother and accuse her of abandoning an ‘angel like me.’ I explained to him that I was in love with Jason and nothing could make me care for another. He told me part of the truth: That Jason was married…and he used me as a distraction because his marriage was facing some crisis…”

She stopped abruptly. Jane had uttered a strangled cry and all the eyes turned to her. She had covered her mouth with her hand, as if she was trying to refrain from screaming. She closed her eyes and her expression changed again, as if a memory was haunting her. Darcy nodded his head in compassion. He remembered Elizabeth telling him how much her sister had suffered near the monster. He could see how right she was. Richard was astonished. He thought that he knew Georgiana better than anyone else and he couldn’t believe that she had been carrying such a burden for so long without arousing any suspicion. Monika sat by his side and whispered something that seemed to make him relax a little. Alex was still standing next to Georgiana, fearful of how this confession would finish. Charles, whose look showed almost horror went near Jane and tried to help her. She opened her eyes and said weakly, without looking at Charles:

“I am fine. Could I have a glass of water, please?” She was given the water and Georgiana went on, with a voice that was trembling a little more than before:

“Later, I found out the cause of the crisis, quite by accident. I don’t want to reveal details, but I can say that Jane had nothing to do with this. Jason’s behavior to her was unpardonable and I cannot help thinking how much my behavior added to her distress. It was unintentional, I swear…” She paused and walked towards Jane offering her hand. Jane gave her hand mechanically. Georgiana took it into hers, and said with a voice pleading for understanding: “Still, I cannot ask you to forgive me; it would be audacious of me. As soon as I found out, I told Jason that I never wanted to see him again. George was there to console me. He wanted more… I didn’t want to give him more.” William, Richard and Alex gasped here, but Georgiana’s voice was now steady and reassuring. “Jason was a monster, but I was still in love with him. I reasoned again and again, but I couldn’t deny my feelings. But I swear I never saw him again. He stopped trying to contact me very soon. Later, I learnt the reason for this too. George, afraid that I would succumb to Jason’s pleading, sent some photos of us to his wife. As soon as Jason knew, he visited my brother and told him about their bet. Because in truth, George and Jason were former friends who had decided to put a bet on me…for 10,000 pounds! Oh, I feel so proud!” Alex shook his hands as if someone had hit him. Georgiana went on, bitterly:

“Jason, of course, failed to mention his part in the story. He appeared the savior who won Will’s gratitude. But he was afraid of George. I am sure that he found something to silence him, I am not sure what it was, but still he felt insecure. So he took Jane and left for the States. My brother told George that he would die should he dare come close to me again. Wickham never stopped abusing him after this.”

She lifted her eyes. No one spoke for several minutes. William had buried his face into his hands once again. Charles had done the same. Monika was looking at her hands and whispering: “I could strangle them… Or better whip them… Maybe spread acid all over their bodies…Hang them? Shoot them... No, no that would be too rapid.”* Richard was thinking how much he should increase his bodyguard’s and his assistant’s salary to atone for what they had to bear on Christmas day. Alex was looking at Georgiana worriedly. She seemed so vulnerable, so fragile, yet so full of determination. She spoke again, addressing her brother, even if he would not look at her.

“Why didn’t I tell you, Will? Who knows? Perhaps because I was not used to telling you anything. Tell me Will, before this morning, when did we speak frankly and openly to each other? Would you have understood if I had confided in you? Our relationship was so fragile…It seemed completely based on mutual silence. You would have wanted to simply destroy Jason… You wouldn’t have asked for my opinion. Perhaps, it would have been better like this; perhaps you should have destroyed him then, not letting him do additional damage. But, Will, much as I want this to happen now, it was the last thing I wanted then. I saw him only as a man who had made a mistake. Even when I learnt about the bet, I still believed that he had come to love me a little bit. And maybe he had. But he loved himself more than anything or anyone else.”

There was silence again, as everyone expected Darcy’s reaction. He raised his eyes and said, in a steady voice, looking at her with clear, determined eyes:

“You made a mistake, Anna, but I have made far more mistakes than you. I have no right to blame you, I was only trying to find someone to accuse for what I have done. It’s my fault that you didn’t trust me. It’s my fault that I didn’t trust Elizabeth when she warned me about Jason Younge. I made too many errors in my judgment and now I have to live with them. As for you, if you do want to ask for forgiveness, you had better address Jane.” He remained grave, even when his sister smiled at him. He had to live with a burden that no smiles seemed likely to remove. Georgiana now spoke to Jane, with a serious expression and a determined voice:

“Jane, I have heard the rumors Jason is spreading concerning you. And I know how untrue they are. I understand your need to leave everything behind you, but just look around you. Look at us. You can leave nothing behind you! You think that you have nothing to lose but there is always so much to lose…So many people to hurt!” Jane nodded in silent acquiescence. Georgiana paused, and looked as if she was making a very important decision. Then she went on with a loud, steady voice:

“I will help you. I have no idea as to what I should do, but I swear that I will help you. I know that Jason is not evil. George frightens me, he always has, but Jason doesn’t. Still, he’s a spoilt man who cares for nothing besides himself and gives pain to all the people who surround him. And he can’t go on like this. He has to pay. I can’t ask for your forgiveness, but please let me help you with this.”

No one spoke… No one even breathed. Everyone was looking at Jane, waiting for the verdict. William felt that everyone’s fate depended on Jane’s words. If she found the power to forgive, then the world had beauty and kindness in it. It contained hope and faith in people. If Jane didn’t forgive, then… everything would be without meaning, vain. Jane spoke.

“There is nothing to forgive.” She said softly. “I believe you. You were so young…so innocent…He hurt you even more than he hurt me. Just let me think a little, is this all right?” Georgiana exhaled heavily, so did William and Alex. Jane rose to leave, with everyone looking at her with admiration. Everyone except Charles whose face was still buried in his hands… If anyone had cared to cast a better look at him, they would have realized that he was weeping. But William stopped Jane. He was smiling faintly, relief diffusing all over his face. She had given him hope; she had given him the strength to fight for the only thing that mattered to him: Elizabeth. His voice was soft as he asked her:

“Jane, would you stay a little longer, please? I owe you a story too. To all of you.”

“Just a word before you begin, Will.” Georgiana intervened. “Jane’s sister, Elizabeth, is the brunette in the photo, right?”

William nodded.

“And what do you feel about her, Will?”

The scene before their last parting the previous night came before him. Her words, her imploring, everything appeared so vivid in front of him that he lifted his hands to touch her, to remove the tears off her beautiful face. He didn’t answer, only murmured: “I could not tell her, Anna… I could not admit it…”

“Even before meeting her, I admired her… Her mind was a diamond, fresh, sharp and ever so charming. Her style of writing was unique, and the topics she chose showed her taste and right instinct. I heard so many people singing her praises; even those who were accused by her. It was singular. She was a phenomenon. I was never in my life so impatient to meet someone. I knew she would be a kindred spirit, someone I could talk to, someone who could understand and recognize perhaps my pathetic humor. Then I met her… She was everything I had ever imagined and so much more. Her spirit…fresh water. Her eyes, her smile, her voice, the most perfect laugh I have ever heard. Away from the dust and the bitterness of the world… So beautiful – in every aspect. I didn’t think of anything else, I didn’t bother to ask myself why, I simply had to ask her for dinner. The very same evening that I met her. Then I had to kiss her. Then I had to make her mine. I am a possessive monster…” He stopped, his own words hurting him, as everyone listened in shock. He was ashamed and disgusted. He continued, impatient to say everything, to not conceal the slightest detail, as if he was searching for the cure in the pain itself. The pain caused by his words.

“I’ve destroyed her. I made her bear my bitterness! I made her suffer with me, the selfish beast!” He spoke in a very agitated voice. He stopped, passed a hand over the forehead and through his hair, as if to clean his mind. He took a breath and continued with more calmness. “I asked her to keep it a secret. Yes, gossip wouldn’t be good for the career of either of us. I intended for her to take my place at ‘Meryton’ when I leave for Pemberley.Net. I still do. I never told her, but I thought I should protect her from gossip.” He laughed bitterly, “I was just being selfish. I feel as if I polluted her! I asked her to lie to everyone! How could I dare to do that? I shouldn’t care for the rest of the world. I knew her…” a fair smile slightly lit his face, “and anyone who knew her would never think her capable of scheming… I gave her so much pain… And she stayed…and she tried…” He stopped again, as he was too angry and disgusted with himself to continue. But then he brought to mind the times they spent together, just the two of them. Their walks, their discussions, the movies they had watched, their dinners, their nights. And he looked into his heart… And he found there nothing to be ashamed of or disgusted with. He found only fond memories and precious feelings. He regained his courage and continued: “Scotland.” He turned to Charles whose mouth was agape and had a hard time convincing himself that all this was really happening. William said. “I must thank you for your invitation, Charles, I’ve never been so happy in my life.” Charles was so bewildered that he couldn’t react in any way. He just continued to stare in disbelief, as his friend revealed a side of his heart that he had never imagined existed.

William continued, unable and unwilling to stop the flood of words pouring out from deep within his soul. Still, he could not control the anguish in his voice. “And yet I would not open to her. She gave herself to me completely…and I was still keeping a distance.” He stopped in sudden realization. “How could I ever think that she left me, when I have abandoned her in my own way again and again?” His eyes met his sisters’. “Anna…you were right. I stayed…but I am so much to blame…Yesterday, she came here and I proposed to her because I thought that she was pregnant. I insulted her and you Jane…Jason’s story, and me, the idiot, trusting him and betraying her!” He exclaimed and then, lowering his eyes, addressed Jane: “I am so sorry. So very sorry.”

“You are forgiven, William. I could never stay angry at you after this.” Jane said in a low voice.

But he didn’t even wait for her response. He barely heard her voice, as he resumed his recount. He had reached the worst point, but he couldn’t stop. He had to go on; he had to say it all. In order to forgive himself. In order to win her back. “She left. She threw back the ring that I gave her and she left. She asked me to say how I felt for her; she asked me to make her stay, but I said nothing. I could say nothing! I had no power over my mouth, my hands… I wanted to stop her, to hug her, to kiss her, to tell her what she wanted to hear…and I would mean it too! But I stood there, petrified and watched her leaving.” He said in despair and added: “I don’t know how I am going to live with this memory.” He looked around him, as if he didn’t recognize the people and the surroundings and finally said; shaking his head, showing how much his own self had disappointed him: “My whole world collapsed. She wanted to make it beautiful and I didn’t let her. And now everything has collapsed.” He repeated.

Jane smiled, despite the sad ending. She detected William’s feelings and she saw nothing to be afraid of in his heart. Yes, things would turn out for good. Charles had not recovered the surprise yet and was still staring. Georgiana’s heart was swelling with pride for her brother who was fighting his demons. Alex was gazing at her, content to see the joy diffused all over her face. Monika looked pointedly at Richard, who decided to break the silence.

“Let me ask you as well, Will. How do you feel about Elizabeth?”

Richard’s question brought him back to reality. He had to make decisions; he had to act, and to act quickly if he wanted to find happiness. He dismissed the shadows haunting him, and he let the light enter the darkness of his mind. And he realized that there was nothing to fight against, and no decision to be made. His heart had spoken a while ago. He just wouldn’t listen to it. The reply came easily, in a soft voice, as the happiest smile of his life curved his lips.

“I love her.”

*Monika’s suggestions are a mixture of Lory’s and Monik’s ideas. The credit for the ‘spread acid all over their bodies’ belongs entirely to Lory!!! More is coming :-)

CHAPTER 8

Posted on Thursday, 25 August 2005

Elizabeth stopped talking and turned to look out of the window. New Year’s Day had been proven to be cold and colorless. The wind was blowing and the waves were crashing over the rocks. Nature was far from peaceful this morning, but the house inspired a feeling of comfort and security. It was a shelter to protect her from the rest of the world. But who would protect her from her own thoughts?

Her gaze was steady, fixed on the waves. The color of the sea was a dark blue, somewhat menacing and obscure, as if it was carrying all the secrets and the sorrow of the world. The bitterness resides inside me, she thought. The naked rocks, without even a tree for a covering, stood fast, giving lessons of endurance. I wish I were that strong. She sighed heavily. More than a week had passed since her last meeting with William. Major changes had taken place in her life during its course, but her mind was still on him. Whatever happened, she was thinking of him; wherever she went, she was carrying his image with her. She had never believed it before, but she now knew that he was the most important person in her life, and the relationship with him the only thing that mattered to her. It had taken her some time and many miles to realize it, but the truth stood now before her: She loved him. The words she had said when she was angry, disappointed and desperate were the most sincere she had ever uttered. She loved him, and there was no turning back.

The man, who had heard her whole recount without interrupting her, after watching her silently for a while, came closer to her. He embraced her shoulders and his arms rested warm around her waist. His head lowered and he whispered in her ear: “He loves you, Elise. I know it. I can feel it.”

Elizabeth turned once again towards him, and the sadness in her eyes was like a dagger in his heart:

“He doesn’t love me, dad. That’s why I left. As you did. For the sake of us both.”

The pain inside him grew worse. Guilt had never abandoned Paul Bennet since the night that he had kissed his angels, who were asleep, bid his wife goodbye and left his house never to look back. Even though love died too early in his marriage, he was content to stay and take care of his family. He hated changes; the daily routine was happiness to him. When his wife announced that she wanted a divorce so that she could marry their very recently widowed neighbor, his whole little world collapsed. All the dreams that he had not fulfilled and all the compromises he had made for the sake of stability appeared in front of him. And he decided to give himself a chance. But he felt that no bonds from the past should remain from fear that they would always stop him from pursuing what he really wanted. He quit his job at the English Museum and settled on this small Greek island, Milos, where he studied, as an archeologist the Ancient Cycladic Civilization. However, unlike Elizabeth, he now considered all his actions the result of selfishness and lack of courage. Leaving had been a mistake. And it was killing him to watch his daughter repeating his actions, being even less justified than him. At least, Fanny had wished him to leave. The man Elizabeth mentioned did love her.

“Elise, my child, you have forgiven me far too easily. But you are too harsh on others.” He told her gravely.

“Dad, I understood the necessity of your leaving.” She answered softly, and added afterwards wistfully: “Don’t you realize how important it was for me to do the same?”

He did not speak for a minute. He tried to find a way to make her see the situation clearly. Again he hesitated; it wasn’t easy for him. But then, determination marking his features, he thus began:

“Elise, it is very hard for me to admit it, but I will.” His voice became louder. “For once in my life, I’ll do the right thing. I won’t let my mistakes be repeated by you. No, Elise, leaving and trying to put everything behind you, denouncing the life you’ve lived so far is NEVER right.”

Elizabeth interrupted him as he paused to resume normal breathing.

“But, dad, you started a new life. A happy one. You’ve got peace of mind, you live at the place of your dreams and you have Teresa Gardiner, who is a wonderful person.”

He blushed slightly as he said:

“Teresa and I are very good friends.” Even in his own ears, he didn’t sound convincing. It was true however. Although his colleague was the closest person he had, nothing exceeding the limits of friendship had ever occurred between them. He sighed.

“Come on, dad.” Elizabeth interpreted his look rightly. “I’ve seen the way she looks at you. And the way you look at her is not different. What on earth are you waiting for? You have wasted too many years, dad.”

Pathetic attempt to change the subject, Elizabeth.She thought. And not at all successful. You’re still thinking of him.

Although Paul knew how wrong it was to let his daughter take initiatives as far as his personal life was concerned, he couldn’t help smiling at the thought. But then he realized that his daughter tried to avoid the subject that hurt her the most. And he was not going to let her do this.

“Elise,” he told her with a mix of tenderness and graveness in his voice, “This is not the point. I do not regret my coming here. I do not regret a moment of my life here. It’s the way that I came here that was completely wrong.”

Elizabeth looked at him questioningly.

“My dearest Elise,” he resumed, “What I am trying to say is this. We can’t leave everything behind and start a new life. It’s impossible, it’s cruel. Yes, we are cruel to our own selves when we renounce our former life. To learn from our mistakes is indispensable. But it is equally vital not to let our mistakes make us underestimate ourselves and all our actions. We have to reconcile the past with the present, Elise. Otherwise we’ll be unjust and unforgiving. Renouncing is the easy way, the way of cowards. But little do we know that it is ultimately the most painful one. We just say: ‘I was not being myself’ and forget.” He paused and looked deeply into her eyes. He saw puzzlement there. But he saw the rising of an understanding as well. He continued in a voice marked by bitterness and despair; by the disappointment that the greatest mistake in his life had given birth to: “We kill a period of our lives; we kill a part of ourselves!” Silence followed his outburst. When he spoke again, his life’s wisdom, this wisdom so painfully gathered, was dripping through his words, through his eyes, through his hands that found their way to his daughter’s cheeks: “Sometimes, my dear Elise, it is too hard to forgive our past mistakes. It takes courage and responsibility. But it’s the only way to go on. We do not stop and start lives just like that, Elise. We continue. ” He felt his daughter startle. His hands moved to Elizabeth’s shoulders. They were tender and reassuring. He was being a parent that moment; a true parent that was revealing the truths of life to his child, ready to support, give courage and console. He knew he was right this time. The rest of his words came out easily; no selfishness intruded. “Yes, your mother and I needed a divorce. Yes, I needed to come here and find the job I truly loved. But this didn’t mean that I was justified in leaving you, just because you were a part of my life with Fanny. You needed me and I let you down. I was not justified in avoiding any contact with my ex-wife, all my former friends and most importantly my children. I hurt too many people, Elise, and believe me; it didn’t help me feel any better.”

Elizabeth was trying to digest everything she had heard. Her father, whose actions she had defended repeatedly to anyone that would accuse him, admitted that he had made a mistake. Her whole hierarchy of values was shaking at that moment. It was a shock but it was liberating as well. Deep inside her, complaint and bitterness were lurking for years, but she had always refused to listen to them. However, now the veil was removed. This meant that she had to face responsibilities. But she was also free. She didn’t have to delude herself any longer. Firstly, she had admitted that she loved William Darcy; more than anyone else. With a passion and tenderness and a longing that her heart had never known before. And now, she could finally say that she had felt horrible when her father left her. That she had become terrified of loss and that fear had influenced all her actions and decisions. That she was angry, lonely and miserable. That she felt unable to excite a man’s love. Unworthy to excite a man’s love.

Her father embraced her tenderly, letting her head rest on his shoulders. As if he read her thoughts, he murmured:

“I am so sorry, my dearest child. So very sorry, Elise.”

Elizabeth made no reply. She wanted to tell him that she forgave him; that she had already forgotten all the pain and the agony caused by his absence. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t do it so soon. She had just discovered her feelings and faced her fears. It was too early to try to exorcise them all with a few words. Elizabeth needed time. She knew that time was her ally and she felt better. She surrendered to the warmth of her father’s embrace. She was content to receive all the tenderness she was deprived of all these years. She cried and cried, mourning for the past. In order to prepare herself for the future. In order to find the forgiveness in her heart and to feed the love that already existed.

She finally calmed down and looked at him with red eyes and flushed cheeks.

“You think he loves me?” She asked, looking adorably innocent, like a child.

“How could he not?” Paul answered playfully, but sensing her need for reassurance, he added: “You taught him what love means and he taught you in return. You belong to each other.”

“How can you be so sure?” She insisted. “You don’t even know him.”

“Oh, you haven’t seen much of Teresa Gardiner either, have you?” He said while a sly smile lit up his face. “Yet you know that she’s the right woman for me, even though I’ve been denying it to myself for years. Am I correct?”

She nodded.

“You see, Elise,” he continued, “Sometimes it takes an outsider to stir us; to wake us up from the lethargy of self-denial we surrender to. So, I can say that this William Darcy loves you as much as you love him.”

Elizabeth looked at her father pensively. She still doubted his words. Her scattered memories concerning William were of little help. When it was just the two of them, every time that they managed to leave the rest of the world behind, like the weekend in Scotland, she could feel his love enveloping her whole existence, worshiping her body and speaking to her soul. But there were too many ugly moments, when he was reserved and she was stubborn. She shuddered at the remembrance of their two final arguments. He had the power to hurt her more than anyone else. And she felt that she could cause and had caused the same degree of suffering to him. She had hurt him deliberately, choosing the cruelest words she could find. They brought to each other all the happiness and all the sadness of the world. Was it worth it to give it another try?

Her father watched her with great interest that was bordering on suspense. His Elise deserved everything one could bestow on her. He knew that he was partly responsible for his daughter’s current state of sadness. But then he noticed a slight smile hesitatingly curving her lips. It slowly became more confident and open. He looked into her eyes. They were positively glowing. There was a light in them that he had never witnessed before. She spoke, more to herself than to her father.

“I love him. It’s always worth it all when you love. I can’t abandon something that precious. I am not giving up.”

Paul exhaled and then smiled encouragingly.

“Of course you aren’t.” He paused to give emphasis to his next statement. “You are a fighter, Elise.” He finally said, moved and relieved.

“Like you?” She asked smiling sweetly. For the first time she felt absolutely confident regarding her decision. Her heart was light, as she had cast aside all the shadows that were painfully pressing against it. It wouldn’t be easy and the outcome could be different from the one she wished for, but she was going to fight. For him and for her. For them.

“No, Elise.” Her father answered laughing softly. “Thankfully, in the way you’re taking your life into your hands, you are very unlike me.”

Ten days after the formidable Christmas lunch, Charles Bingley found the courage to approach the Darcy house again. His normal self would be very angry with Darcy for having misguided him regarding Jason and Jane. But there was no trace of such selfish feelings in his heart. He was finished being irresponsible and putting all the blame on others. After all, Darcy had only voiced his personal opinion, and he had been deceived himself. It was very easy to always accuse someone else, but that would not do. Bingley knew that the mess with Jane was his fault entirely. Rumors were always circulating, especially regarding the women rich men dated. He should have become used to it and not doubt Jane. He had no idea how he could ever make her forgive him. He asked for nothing else. He loved her more than ever, and his feelings were frightening him. He had no idea that love could cause so much pain, such longing and such despair. But he could not ask Jane to love him back. Not after the things he had said. He would be content even if she stopped thinking so very poorly of him. He spent his days trying to figure out what he should do with his life. And when he made his first wise decision, he went to Darcy to communicate it.

Georgiana welcomed him as warmly as possible. They both felt very embarrassed after the Christmas revelations. At least they had many things in common: Tender feelings and admiration towards the wonderful Jane, pure hatred for Jason and concern for William. Although he had opened up and no longer refused to talk, his suffering had not abated. He had received no news from Elizabeth and despite her note he had begun fearing that something dreadful had happened. He had made every possible attempt to trace her and had made so many people look for her, that he was certain that she couldn’t be in England.

Charles knocked on the door and entered in William’s office with Georgiana following behind. Darcy was speaking on the phone, his gaze fixed on the item he had in his hands. Charles couldn’t make out what it was, but then all thoughts were forgotten as he realized that his friend was talking with Jane.

“What do you mean you couldn’t trace the phone call, Jane? We had made sure that… How could this have happened? D**n-it Jane, what did you do wrong? Ok, I am sorry, I am very sorry… I didn’t want to shout at you…I know… It’s just that… All our hopes were… Yes, thank you Jane. You are too good. I wish I knew it from the beginning.” He sighed upon noticing Bingley and then he returned his attention to the object in his hands. A tender look diffused all over his face. His voice was lower and softer as he continued:

“How did she sound, Jane? Do you think she’s all right? Happy, suffering? Did she say anything about… Yes, I know that you are not supposed to know. Yes? Happy you said? Well, was she too happy? Peaceful? What do you mean by peaceful? Jane, about this person she said that she would bring…do you have any idea who that might be? I know it’s too selfish of me, but did she have any relationships abroad? Oh, I see. Yes. Do you think she will be here soon? Yes, I hope so too. Please call me of you have any news. Bye!”

He still wasn’t looking at them. Georgiana and Charles took a seat. Darcy spoke, more to himself than to them.

“This ring will be my eternal punishment. Always reminding me how wonderful she was. How perfect for me she was. How I should have begged her to consent to stoop and accept someone as unworthy of her as I was. This ring belongs to her and I almost forced her to throw it back at me.” He clenched his fist tightly and closed his eyes in pain. Georgiana spoke:

“That was far too melodramatic even for someone who has created such a mess as you have, Will.”

“It isn’t funny, Georgie. ” He said. Being a typical elder brother, he had learnt how to punish his impertinent little sister for laughing at his pathetic state.

Georgiana resumed a grave expression and asked:

“You have no idea where she is, right?”

William nodded silently.

“Well, in this case you can’t go and find her, kneel and ask for forgiveness while the sun is setting – which would be a very romantic thing to do – but that doesn’t mean you have lost all hope, Will.”

“I know, Anna. I am not giving up. I’ll do whatever it takes to see her happy… And, hopefully, see her happy with me.”

“Just give her time, Will.”

“I still can’t believe that you kept such a secret, Will.” Charles spoke for the first time since his entrance. “You could have dated so many women all these years. Women we know!”

“Nothing serious, Charles. Even worse than your relationships!”

Charles was momentarily struck by a terrifying idea:

“Will!”

“Yes, Charles?”

“Have you ever dated Caroline?” He asked, not very sure of his reaction if his friend answered in the affirmative.

Georgiana looked at her brother with an unmistakably disgusted look and hurried to check herself for Charles’ sake. Darcy didn’t keep them in suspense for long however.

“No, Charles. I knew that her intentions towards me were honorable and I didn’t want to trifle with her.”

Georgiana discovered after twenty-six years on planet Earth that her brother did possess a wicked sense of humor. Charles however wanted to be sure about his friend’s feelings:

“But she’s not your type, is she?”

“Charles, if she heard you talking like this she would never speak to you again!” William cried in mock panic.

Charles’ eyes lit up:

“Is she by any chance eavesdropping?” He whispered smiling devilishly. Georgiana realized that she had underestimated Bingley.

“I am afraid that she isn’t, Chuck. But don’t worry. We can always ask her best friend – Georgiana, of course – to relate everything to her.” Will answered trying to suppress his chuckles.

“Anytime you want, Charles.” She answered very amused. But thinking better over this, she added gravely: “I am warning you though; you will owe me a huge favor if you make me act the Caroline’s-best-friend-part.”

“I will indeed be indebted to you, Georgiana. Now, Will, I want to talk to you about something. But first…” He hesitated and resumed a childish look before asking in a soft voice: “How’s Jane, Will?”

Darcy smiled in sympathy. He knew exactly what his friend felt because he was experiencing a similar longing himself.

“She is fine, Charles. She’s strong and calm and I think she is very forgiving. I am afraid she hasn’t mentioned your name at all, but…”

“I didn’t expect her to.” Charles interrupted his friend. He didn’t ask for pity or consoling. “I am happy that she’s fine. That is enough for me.” He declared.

“This and the fact that she is very forgiving, right?” William reminded him.

“I am not sure if I deserve her forgiveness.” Charles stated gravely.

“Oh, back to soap opera again…” Georgiana sighed. “I did prefer your naughty selves, you know.”

“Then you will have them back, Anna.” Charles said gallantly. “I came to discuss with you the payback for our dear friend Jason.” His voice was so determined, cold and full of hatred that William and Georgiana instantly knew how badly he wanted it. Georgiana did not even dare share her thoughts: This is not naughty, this is frightening.

Continued in Next Section