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Chapter 37 ~ A Visit to Cheapside
On Saturday Darcy paused before knocking on the door to the Gardiner's house in Cheapside. Mr. Edward Gardiner had given his address to him that long-ago summer's day when they had gone fishing at Darcy's estate in Derbyshire. Taking a beep breath, Darcy thought over what he was to say to Mr. Gardiner.
It was a week since he had visited Wickham and Lydia. The reason for the delay in finding the fugitives and the visit to the Gardiners was that his negotiations with Wickham had for some time been going nowhere. When Wickham had found out that he and Lydia were to be married, he had ranted and raved that there was no way he would spend the rest of his life attached to her and swore that he would leave as soon as possible. After listening to this tirade for some ten minutes, Darcy had calmly announced that it would be in Wickham's best interests if he married Lydia, for Darcy was still willing to assist Wickham.
Negotiations then began. It was agreed that all of Wickham's debts would be paid - a sum of more than a thousand pounds. It was the only thing they had agreed on, for when the subject of Wickham's future was brought up, one could not agree with the other.
Wickham, of course, had wanted more than Darcy was willing to give. He had expressed his desire for a small estate of 'no more than three thousand a year' in order to become a member of the landed gentry with no cost to himself in comparison to Bingley's family who had worked hard to gain their present position. It was implied that Darcy would give Wickham land from his own large estate of Pemberley. Darcy had steadfastly refused to comply, and Wickham had steadfastly refused to back down.
They had met again the next day and the day after that. After the third meeting, Wickham had grudgingly relented to set his sights a bit lower. Entering a trade was discussed and each of Darcy's suggestions discarded. Wickham had no intention of studying the law, becoming a merchant, practicing medicine or any other trade. The Church was out of the question; Darcy would not allow a man of Wickham's morality to set a spiritual example for any parish.
The only feasible alternatives left was a career in one of the military disciplines, the Navy or the Army. Wickham wanted to go into the Navy, the more prestigious of the two as England commanded the greatest naval forces in the world but was impossible because of his age. Therefore, it was to be the Army regulars instead of the militia. As soon as they had agreed upon it, Darcy had written to Colonel Fitzwilliam, informing him of the basic facts that he believed was needed and requesting for some arrangement. His reply was helpful, though the writer had no doubt written it in a state of great curiosity, Darcy inferred from the general tone of his cousin's letter. Colonel Fitzwilliam said that it was possible to get an ensigncy in General _______'s regiment in Newcastle.
Wickham had been duly informed of this new arrangement, and after some characteristic grumbling, it was agreed on as pleasing to both parties.
All this had taken up to that Saturday morning. Over the grueling week, Darcy had frequently asked himself just why he was taking so much trouble to assist the man he hated. He told himself that it was his fault, of not informing others of Wickham's bad character and so preventing situations like this. Sometimes he just wanted to forget the whole affair and pretend it was no business of his - he frequently returned to his townhouse in London late in the night, tired and frustrated and ready to give up. But whenever such thoughts entered his mind, he remembered Elizabeth, upset and distraught with tears in her eyes after she had received news of Lydia's elopement. One thought of her and he was again determined to see the matter through to the end; not for Lydia's, certainly not for Wickham but for Elizabeth. And though he knew he would never see her again, at least he knew that he could ensure her happiness.
Darcy had come straight from Wickham and Lydia's lodgings to Cheapside in search of the Gardiners. As the affair involved the Bennets, he needed to inform a member of their family. Mr. Bennet he did not know well enough in order to talk comfortably with him and no doubt the sentiment would have been equal.
Besides, he did not want Elizabeth to know out his involvement.
He had tried to visit Mr. Gardiner yesterday but the servant had told him that he was talking to Mr. Bennet, who would be leaving the next morning. Darcy left quickly without giving his name, only saying that a gentleman had called on business.
Now it was Saturday, Mr. Bennet had hopefully left and he hoped that Mr. Gardiner was in.
Darcy knocked on the door and it was opened by the servant. He asked to see Mr. Gardiner.
"Yes sir, would you please wait here?" she said, gesturing to the drawing room. Darcy agreed and stood, hat in hand while the servant went to fetch Mr. Gardiner.
When he appeared, he looked harried and tired, but the man's astonishment on seeing his visitor was evident.
"Mr. Darcy, this is a pleasant surprise," said he. "What brings you here?"
"Good day, Mr. Gardiner. I am here because I had located your niece, as well as Mr. Wickham."
"You have?" At this, Mr. Gardiner brightened up. "That is wonderful news! My brother and I have tried to but with no success. And how is Lydia?" he asked concerned.
Darcy grimaced slightly and sat. Mr. Gardiner followed suit.
"She is well but also unmarried."
Mr. Gardiner shook his head. "It is as Elizabeth feared then. What else?"
Darcy plunged into a description of how he had found Lydia and Wickham and of their current position. He told him of the arrangements he had taken the liberty of arranging and how all that was needed was Mr. Gardiner's approval.
Mr. Gardiner thought for a while, then said, "My I ask about the cost of all of this, his debts commission and such?"
Darcy expressionlessly named a figure that rendered Mr. Gardiner speechless for a few moments. Before Mr. Gardiner could speak another word, Darcy quickly added, "At the present it is only an estimate, though I expect it to rise rather than fall. I shall bear the cost of it all, there is no need to worry about that."
"Mr. Darcy, I cannot let you do that."
Darcy had expected such resistance and was determined not to give in. He changed the topic of conversation and asked where Mrs. Gardiner and the children were.
"They are due to arrive back today. Madeline and the children have been at Longbourn this past week, for my brother's family was in great need of support after hearing about Lydia's elopement. Mr. Bennet left this morning to return to his family." He paused. "Was it you who called yesterday?"
"Yes, it was."
"Why did you not see Mr. Bennet? Surely he ought to know about this as well."
Darcy coughed. "I hope you will forgive me, sir, if I say that I felt that Mr. Bennet was not a person whom I could so properly consult as you. In fact, I hope that you will comply with my wish and not inform any of his family of my involvement in this matter."
Mr. Gardiner was surprised. "May I ask as to why you wish to remain anonymous?"
Darcy thought. He did not know any solid reason, only that he did not want Elizabeth to know about it. He did not want her to feel that she was indebted to him; he had done it out of love for her and that was all.
But he could say that to Elizabeth's uncle. He blushed slightly and said, "Forgive me if I choose not to answer that question."
Mr. Gardiner nodded but gave the younger man a questioning look. Darcy looked back and smiled almost imperceptibly. Somehow, he was sure Mr. Gardiner understood most of the meaning behind the smile.
He rose out of his chair. "I believe you are to be welcoming your family home soon. I would not wish to intrude upon it with matters of business. I will come again tomorrow."
Mr. Gardiner offered him some refreshment before he left but Darcy declined. They shook hands and parted.
True to his word, Darcy visited the Gardiners again on Saturday, this time late in the evening when he hoped the children were in bed. He found Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner waiting for him. Mrs. Gardiner greeted him warmly. She told him that her husband had related to her all that had passed in yesterday's meeting and so removed the need to repeat it all.
The main problems to be discussed, were how much was going to be settled on Wickham and Lydia and who was going to pay for it. When Darcy left them later that evening an amount had been decided but neither was willing to let the other bear the cost of such a large amount. They agreed to meet again on Monday and hopefully it would be settled.
The next evening found Mr. Gardiner no more willing to relinquish the burden than before. But Darcy was obstinate. Every protest from Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner only made him more determined.
"I must be allowed to insist on this," said he, facing the Gardiners. "The fault is mine and so must the remedy be. It was through my mistake and pride, my reserve that Mr. Wickham's character has not been made known to the world. Had I not thought it . . . beneath me to lay my private actions open to the world his character would have been exposed and this elopement could never have taken place."
"Mr. Gardiner, I believe you take too much upon yourself," said Mr. Gardiner. But Darcy sensed that his resolve was weakening.
"I must insist on this sir. I assure you in this matter argument is fruitless." He got up and extended his hand. "The responsibility is mine - I must have it, sir."
Mr. Gardiner looked at his wife. Something passed between them that Darcy could not decipher. Whatever it was, Mr. Gardiner sighed and accepted Darcy's hand and shook it.
Darcy held it for a moment then returned to his seat.
"But I understood, sir, that you did not wish to be acknowledged in this venture," said Mrs. Gardiner. "We must tell Mr. Bennet of this, but we cannot without some explanation."
Darcy smiled. "Then simply tell him that it was Mr. Gardiner who arranged it all."
Mr. Gardiner shook his head. "Come now, Mr. Darcy, you know that I will not allow that to happen. I, take all the credit for your assistance? We must give credit where it is due."
"No, I am perfectly willing to anonymous. Mr. Gardiner, I insist that you take the credit for this. I do not wish to be thanked for this. When you write to Mr. Bennet, please do not tell him about my involvement."
Mr. Gardiner sighed. "If you insist, there is no point in arguing the matter any more."
"Thank you. The wedding is to be on Monday, and I have given you the location of Mr. Wickham's lodgings. I myself have been away for too long, so I shall return to Pemberley. I abandoned my friends and family after returning for only four days."
"So you will not be here for the wedding?"
"I shall return before Monday and attend the ceremony, as well as overseeing the final financial arrangements."
Mr. Gardiner nodded. "So if it is all settled, then nothing remains but to write to Mr. Bennet and wait for Monday."
"Exactly."
Chapter 38 ~ Realisations
Darcy was in no mood to rejoice in his arriving home, for what was the point? He was to leave again in a few days.
He had sent no word of his arrival and so there was no one to greet him. It was not until he was removing his coat in the hall that Georgiana appeared. He gave no reaction to her arrival; he was to tired and drained.
Georgiana approached him hesitantly, uncertainty in her posture; nevertheless, when she spoke her voice was calm and controlled.
"Are you all right?"
He sighed, still determined not to burden her with his troubles.
"Well enough."
"Is your business in London completed?"
"No, I shall be returning in a few days."
Georgiana looked sad, but smiled.
"Then come, we must make the most of your time here with us."
She gently but firmly took his arm and lad him to the drawing room.
Bingley and his family were sitting in the drawing room, quietly talking and did not notice the Darcys' entrance until Darcy sat down.
"Darcy!" said Bingley in pleasant surprise. "You are back. Hopefully, this time for some duration?"
"No, only for a few days. I need to be back in London by Monday."
His guests were disheartened; Miss Bingley most of all.
"I hope this business of yours can be concluded quickly so that you are free to spend more time with your friends," said she.
"As do I," replied he, thinking of one particular acquaintance of his.
"What a lot of business you must have to do during the course of the year, Mr. Darcy. How dreadfully dull I would think it; I admire your perseverance."
"Thank you."
"After all, I believe there are few who can manage such a large estate, as well as so many tenants, large fortune and more without any assistance whatsoever."
Darcy made no answer.
"Such duty reflects a character of strength, one who should be proud of their situation in life. Though someI believe it is something that everyone should have. One cannot have too much of pride, after all."
Darcy closed his eyes for a brief minute, reminded of one incident when he had realised that pride was his worst fault.
He was forever indebted to Elizabeth for opening his eyes. If it had not been for her, he would never have known. As painful as the incident at Hunsford had been, it was a test of Darcy's self, and if his meeting with Elizabeth had been any indication, he was well on his way to becoming a better man.
Maybe this trial was another test and though it may be better for him, the price for it was that Elizabeth would never be a part of his future.
Bingley, seeing his friend was tiring of his sister's conversation, said, "I hope your journey was - "
"It would be such a pity if men such as yourself, Mr. Darcy, were to change their ways," interrupted Miss Bingley. "Heaven forbid such an action! think of the impact on society!"
"I may have believed that once in the past, Miss Bingley, but now I believe that perhaps it would be a boon for society if everyone were to humble themselves," said Darcy coldly, not at all attracted by Miss Bingley's opinion on the subject. "And I also believe that society would benefit still more if people concentrated more on improving themselves instead of belittling others."
Miss Bingley was stunned into silence.
"And on the subject of pride," continued Darcy, rising from his seat, "I have learnt through experience that too much pride can be one of the greatest faults of a man - or woman. Miss Elizabeth Bennet was kind enough to point that out to me some time ago and though it was a hard lesson to learn, I now believe that she was perfectly correct."
He knew he was being rude to his friend's sister, but his dealings with Wickham and Lydia had given him a short temper.
Darcy paused before exiting the room.
"If you will excuse me, I have some work to complete."
He left and headed for his study.
It was some time later when all the paper work regarding the future of George Wickham and Lydia Bennet was completed. When all had been done, Darcy leaned his head back, tempted to just fall asleep where he sat.
A quiet knock on the door prevented him from sinking into slumber.
"Enter."
Georgiana walked through the door. Darcy shook himself into a semblance of consciousness and said,
"Good evening. Have our guests retired for the night?"
"Yes." She came and stood just in front of him. "I understand that Miss Bingley has been less than pleasing to you lately, brother. I believe that perhaps she may deign to add some civility in her tone now when she speaks of Miss Elizabeth Bennet."
Darcy smiled tiredly.
"That itself is a blessing."
"But you cannot blame her for her behaviour, brother," continued she. "I think ever since she has been aware of your attraction to Miss Bennet she has been jealous and felt challenged by her. She has tried to gain your affections for so long, and now to have all her efforts rendered worthless by a lady who has not even tried to make you love her must make her feel quite angry."
"It does not excuse her from insulting Miss Bennet in our own house," replied Darcy. "I hope you were not shaken by her mentioning Wickham."
"I was surprised," admitted Georgiana, "But I managed to regain myself not dwell on the matter. Miss Bennet was most kind. Fitzwilliam," asked Georgiana, "does she know about our involvement with him? I got that impression when she had been speaking to Miss Bingley."
"Georgiana, I hope you do not mind, but yes, i have told her. Do not worry, I trust her with my life and she will not reveal what happened that summer."
"I am of your opinion."
Darcy did not answer. Elizabeth had not told anyone of his dealings with Wickham, but if she had then Lydia would not have gone to Brighton and Wickham would not have eloped with her and . . .
Stop that. No more 'ifs'; it has happened and you cannot change the past, only affect the future.
Georgiana looked at her brother questioningly.
"What is your business, that had you hurrying to London? Is it something to do with Miss Bennet? The business only arose when you returned from visiting her in Lambton, and she left half an hour later."
"Georgiana, I do not wish to trouble you with my burdens," said Darcy, beginning the old argument again.
"Fitzwilliam, I am no longer a child, though you still see me as one. I would like to know."
"Georgiana . . . "
"You have protected me and cared for me for so long, but you cannot do that forever; there are others you must do that for. I am growing up; I have a right to know."
Darcy looked at his sister. Though little more than sixteen, her figure was well-formed, her air dignified and her appearance womanly and graceful. She was very similar to their mother, both in form and spirit.
She is growing-up - and soon she will marry and leave me here. All alone . . .
"If you put it that way, I shall tell you."
Georgiana sat in a nearby chair while Darcy related to her the whole of his activities since he had seen Elizabeth in Lambton. He told her of how he finally bribed Mrs. Younge, Georgiana's former companion, how he found the fugitives and arranged Lydia's marriage to Wickham.
"The wedding is on Monday, and I must attend," said he, carefully gauging his sister's reaction.
Georgiana was sitting still, her eyes wide. She said nothing for some minutes, while Darcy began to dread that he had done the wrong thing.
"Why are you doing all of this for him?" she asked finally.
Darcy breathed a sigh of relief.
"I am certainly not doing this for him, dearest," he replied. "It is more for Lydia and her family."
"All of the Bennet family?" said Georgiana with one raised eyebrow.
"Yes, all of them," said he smiling.
"I believe you," she said in a tone that implied the opposite."
Darcy shook his head.
"You are doing all of this for no other reason than your love for Miss Elizabeth."
He smiled at her.
"Yes, my clever little sister, you are quite correct. But it is late, and I think we should both sleep."
When he went to bed, Darcy found that he was calmer and happier than he would have been had he stayed in London. He could almost forget the past week, almost forget Wickham, Lydia, Wickham's fear of him, Lydia's defiance, Elizabeth . . .
There is no more need for tears, my dearest Elizabeth, he said silently. I have secured the security and reputation of your family and there will be no more need for tears.
No tears, except for his, for his own happiness that now could never be.
Georgiana will find someone, Bingley has Jane, (here he swore to bring his friend happiness by reuniting him with Jane Bennet) And I have no one.
On Monday I am attending a wedding - the unification of a couple that do not truly care for each other, but a wedding all the same.
Yet another reminder that while men and women around him were finding people whom they could share their lives with, he had no one.
Elizabeth will also find someone to care for her, protect her, love her.
I just wish that it was me.
Chapter 39 ~ Mr. and Mrs. Wickham
"I apologise, Bingley, if I insulted you or Miss Bingley in any way last night," said Darcy to his friend the next morning. For the moment, they were alone as the ladies and Mr. Hurst had not yet joined them for breakfast.
"I thank you, Darcy, but really I must admit that I find Caroline's hypocrisy and manners disturbing at times. I know that I should not slight my own sister, but . . ." He trailed off, waving his hand around trying to find an appropriate thing to say. "Anyway, I feel that I must speak with her about it - and Louisa as well, but I confess I do not know how to go about confronting them."
"Did you not do that, the evening Miss Bennet dined at Pemberley?"
"I did, but I do not believe I did a very good job of it."
"Are you sure?"
"When I was speaking to them, I think Louisa and Caroline were not really listening to me," sighed Bingley. "How can I make them understand that I do not approve of their behaviour?"
Darcy was about to offer a suggestion, but caught himself.
You interfere too much in your friend's life. Bingley must learn to make his own decisions.
Bingley looked to him for inspiration.
"Could you advise me on this, Darcy?"
"Perhaps you should ask yourself, as to what course of action to take," replied he carefully.
Bingley looked taken aback.
"Bingley, you ought to be the one making the decision. You are their brother; they should know to listen to you. I am not going to offer any suggestions, save that when you do speak to them, do not let them offer any excuses. As for the rest, use your initiative."
Bingley was stricken; Darcy could see that and was tempted to help him. But Darcy had ordered Bingley's life for him enough already and that had to stop. Though some of Darcy's decisions for Bingley had been good, he had been gravely mistaken about Bingley's choice of wife. He was now certain that Jane Bennet was perhaps a perfect match for his easy-tempered friend.
Darcy had to remedy his mistake, but feared Bingley's reaction when he found out that his most trusted friend and relations had lied to him.
"Bingley, there is something I must tell you . . ."
Just then, Miss Bingley entered the room.
"Good morning."
The gentlemen returned her greeting, then Bingley turned to Darcy.
"Yes?"
Darcy decided to leave it for now.
"I cannot remember."
Darcy arrived in London the evening before the wedding. When he arrived at his townhouse, he found a letter from Mr. Gardiner waiting for him. It was a short missive; written to inform Darcy of all the particulars of the next day.
The wedding is to begin at eleven o'clock, at St. Clements, the church of the parish where Mr. Wickham and Lydia are lodging. If you would be so kind as to await our arrival with Mr. Wickham inside, Mrs. Gardiner and I shall bring Lydia for the ceremony.Mr. Wickham received his commission yesterday and he is to join the regiment at the end of a fortnight. Before he and Lydia travel to the North, they are to visit Mr. Bennet at Longbourn. I have written to my brother and hopefully he will satisfy Wickham's debts in Meryton.
My wife and I look forward to seeing you again on Monday.
Yours, etc.
Darcy put down the letter and sighed. Tomorrow would see the end of the whole blasted business.
Though it was more than half an hour before anyone was to arrive, Darcy found himself sitting inside St. Clements contemplating just what was the ultimate result of his involvement in the Lydia-Wickham affair.
Life would go on as normal for him, save some small yet significant changes. Georgiana was growing up, and Bingley was on the path to becoming his own man. Darcy's relations with the two would be different to what they had been in the past.
And Elizabeth? He did not know. What would she think of him if she did know about his involvement? Would she realise he had done it for her? Or would she believe he had done it for some other reason?
Just how had this affair affected their rather stormy and unpredictable relationship?
Whenever he thought he understood, something happened to change it all.
First I thought that she would accept me, then I found out that I was the last man in the world whom she could ever marry. When I feel that she must detest me, I meet her at Pemberley and hope rises. Then when I feel that relations are improving, this happens. Now how do things stand?
Either way, it did not matter. He would never see her again - he had come to terms with that.
Well, nearly.
He sighed.
"Something wrong, Darcy?" said a questioning voice.
He looked up as Wickham, smartly dressed in a blue coat sat down beside him. There was an expression of genuine commiseration in his face, but Darcy knew Wickham too well.
"Nothing of importance."
There was silence for a few minutes.
"You don't trust me, do you." A statement, not a question.
"Of course not. Can you blame me?"
"No, I suppose not. But I had hoped that it was all in the past, and we could bury our differences. We had been good friends in years long gone."
"Years too long gone to have any influence on the present or the future, Wickham."
Wickham gave a smile.
"Even so, those years have caused you to abandon your friends and come to London in search of me. Or is it because of me? I am still trying to figure out just why you have taken so much trouble to assist a man you hate and a girl whom you certainly cannot respect. I am at quite a loss to explain it. Am I wishing in vain for you to enlighten me?"
"Yes."
"But I can still speculate. If not for me, then it must be for Lydia. But not Lydia herself. Someone connected with her, perhaps? Someone who would be affected by Lydia's damaged reputation? Someone whom you do not wish to be hurt?"
Wickham was sharp, Darcy knew that, and he was getting too close to the truth.
"Your speculations are of no use, for I will not say a word, even if you should be correct."
"Even so, I must thank you for doing so. I am most exceedingly obliged," said Wickham sarcastically.
The priest entered, cutting off any reply and bent his head to speak to Wickham. Darcy did not listen to their conversation but silently breathed a sigh of relief that he had managed to dodge all of Wickham's questions.
At the back of the church, the doors opened. The priest stepped back to his position while Wickham stood. A few moments later, Darcy did the same. When Lydia, preceding her aunt and uncle, stood close to them, Wickham stepped away from the pew to stand beside his bride.
Darcy looked at Lydia. She was dressed in a simple white muslin gown that became her very well. She held a small bouquet of flowers, and her eyes were shining, her face radiant. Even so, for once she looked quite serious as she stood beside her 'dear Wickham'.
Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner were quite grim as they stood off to one side. Darcy caught Mr. Gardiner's eye and nodded as the priest began.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation, to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony . . . "
Darcy had attended quite a few weddings in his time, but never at any of them had he felt so certain that the union he was missing was doomed to failure.
These two are only brought together because of their passions and my interference, thought he soberly. Such a union cannot last for long. And when they do tire of each other's company, what then? Have I doomed two people to misery?
"George, wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife . . . "
With a shock, Darcy suddenly realised that Wickham was now irrevocably part of the family that, apart from his own, would cause him the most heartache.
Wickham shall be Elizabeth's brother-in-law; and what if Elizabeth did return my affections? Can I ignore that Wickham is her brother, and so, mine if we were to marry?
As of yet, he did now know if his love was strong enough to forget such a connection.
Wickham glanced at him. He turned slightly to watch, as the priest led Wickham and Lydia through their vows. Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner was also watching them.
The Gardiners - now there was an example of a good marriage. Mr. Gardiner was a man of good sense, principle and humour while his wife intelligent and kind. They obviously cared deeply about each other and respected their partner in life.
Darcy hoped that he too could have the kind of companionship and love the Gardiners shared. Somehow, he knew without a shred of doubt, that if he and Elizabeth were to come to an understanding, then their marriage would be one people would envy.
"I pronounce that they be man and wife together, In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen."
The wedding had concluded. Mr. and Mrs. Wickham laughed, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner smiled. Darcy stood expressionless.
And this marriage of her youngest sister, is this the last service I shall do for Elizabeth? I shall never see her again, never have a second chance to tell her just how much I love her. Oh, why couldn't it have been different? How I wish that it was myself and Elizabeth standing there in front of the altar!
And if she comes to love another, perhaps it would be well that I will never know. But no, I could not bear it, not knowing and yet, would having knowledge of it be a worse punishment for me than never knowing?
How confused my thoughts are. But one thing is for certain - I still love her, with all my heart, and this act is my final proof of it - but I do not want her to know. She will fell gratitude - but I do not want her gratitude, only her love, and that I will not force, it has to come of her own free will.
Mr. and Mrs. Wickham were leaving to the waiting carriage outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner following. Darcy fell into place behind them.
Outside, the sun was shining brightly which helped relieve the cold of the church. Mr. Gardiner was giving some papers to Wickham and Lydia to sign, regarding the debts and commission. Wickham dutifully signed these, while Lydia held onto his arm, beaming up at her husband.
Darcy approached them.
"Mr. and Mrs. Wickham, allow me to give you congratulations and my best wishes for your future. Mr. Wickham you have a lovely bride, and Mrs. Wickham, I wish you all the happiness in the world."
He did not offer his hand to Wickham, nor did it seem Wickham expected him to.
Mr. Wickham smiled and responded, "On behalf of Mrs. Wickham and myself, I thank you, sir for attending and for your sincere congratulations."
Unable to contain her excitement any longer, Lydia exclaimed, "Oh, Mr. Darcy, I am so happy! I was so afraid that something might happen to prevent it all, and now here I am with my lovely husband! I can't wait until we get to Longbourn and see all my sisters! I shall tell them all about the wedding, what my dress was like, my ring, what Wickham wore, who was the groomsman, and - "
No!
"I beg your pardon, Mrs. Wickham, but I have a something to ask of you - and your husband." Wickham raised his eyebrows but Darcy continued, "I would be much obliged if you will promise me not tell anyone of my involvement in this."
"And why not?" asked Lydia.
"Please, do not reveal any of this," repeated Darcy.
After some moments, Wickham agreed. Lydia did so as well, though more reluctantly.
Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner now came up to give their congratulations. Darcy stood off to one side watching. Sometimes he caught Wickham's eye. Wickham immediately looked away.
After some minutes, the newly-weds climbed into the carriage, and drove off into the London streets, waving as they disappeared from sight.
Darcy and the Gardiners stood there for a while in silence, thinking over what they had just witnessed.
Mr. Gardiner then turned to him and said, "After this, I am thinking that perhaps some quieter, more leisurely entertainment is called for. Mr. Darcy, will you do us the honour of having dinner with us tomorrow?"
Darcy smiled. "I would be honoured, sir."
Chapter 40 ~ Family
If Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner had not invited him to dine at their house in Cheapside, Darcy would have probably left immediately after the wedding. He had not been to Pemberley for almost a year, and when he had returned, he had left after four days. Spending more time with the Gardiners was not unappealing though, and he delayed his departure until Wednesday.
For the first time, Darcy went to Cheapside, and for the first time in his life, he entered one of the houses. Gracechurch Street, though the houses were not so large, was orderly and neat. The inhabitants respected everyone's privacy, occasionally greeting their neighbours when they saw one another.
A man of Darcy's standing had not often ventured into their lives, but though he was given some curious glances, he was undisturbed. Finding the Gardiner's house, he knocked on the door. The servant opened it and announced his arrival.
Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner had been sitting in the drawing room with their children, who shyly looked at the floor. Mrs. Gardiner introduced each of them, two girls and two boys to Darcy, gently prompting them to greet him.
"Children, this is our friend, Mr. Darcy. Mr. Darcy, this is Alice, Kate, William and Robert," said Mrs. Gardiner, going down the line. As each of their names was called, each child curtsied or bowed.
These children, the eldest cannot be more than eight, already have better manners than some of their cousins, thought he. There was ample evidence of the Gardiner's good parenting. Darcy wondered just how Jane and Elizabeth had turned out so well in comparison to their younger sisters. Perhaps Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner had a hand in their upbringing?
Bending slightly so that his tall frame was not so imposing, he returned the favour. When he looked up, he observed Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner sharing a smile.
"Dinner shall be ready soon," said Mr. Gardiner. "In the meantime, children, don't make too much noise while you are playing."
Darcy watched as the children quietly returned to the activities his arrival had interrupted. Alice and Kate brought their dolls to little Robert and enacted stories they had made up while William piled blocks on top of each other with serious concentration.
"They are wonderful children," said he to Mrs. Gardiner.
"Children are the hope of our world's future," added Mr. Gardiner with pride as he lovingly watched Kate give her doll to Robert.
"But they need good parents to guide them in the first years of their lives," said Mrs. Gardiner.
"I almost envy your children, Mrs. Gardiner, "said Darcy honestly, "My mother died in Georgiana's birth and my father joined her in Heaven five years ago. At least I have some memory of my mother, vague though it may be. Georgiana unfortunately does not share that pleasure. I have had to take over my parent's position in bringing her up."
"And a wonderful job you have done of it, sir," responded Mr. Gardiner. "For one who has had few examples to learn from, you have done very well as a parent."
Mrs. Gardiner smiled at the young man. "Yes, it would seem you have been more of a father to Miss Darcy than an elder brother. If you had children of your own, you would make an excellent father."
"I would need a wife first," replied Darcy, laughing.
Mrs. Gardiner smiled at his remark. "My joy at Alice's birth was increased fourfold, and now my happiness in marriage is complete."
"If you would count Jane and Elizabeth, one could almost say we have had six children to care for," said Mr. Gardiner. "They visited us frequently when they were younger, but the younger girls have preferred to remain at home with my sister."
"It would seem that your parenting is quite different from your relatives," said Darcy delicately.
Mr. Gardiner sighed. "I sometimes wish that we could have had more of a hand in bringing up Mary, Kitty and Lydia, but it is too late for anything to be remedied."
"I see. I had often wondered at the difference between the two eldest and the younger Bennet sisters."
"It is wonderful to see that Jane and Lizzy, before such sweet girls, have grown up into such beautiful women. Soon, they will marry; I would be saddened indeed if their husbands were not worthy of them," said Mr. Gardiner. His wife agreed, nodding her head thoughtfully.
"Jane needs someone who will care for her selflessly, and Elizabeth's husband would have to a man who could match her spirit and independence. I know that they must also think of fortune, but I hope that they will put love and happiness before anything."
Elizabeth will only marry for love, and she does not love me.
"It will be difficult, to find two such men that were perfect for them," said Darcy.
"Come now, sir, do you not believe that there is a match for everyone one in this world?" chided Mrs. Gardiner. "God made Eve for Adam; does it not follow that every one of His children should also have someone created for them?"
"I do not know; so far, I have seen no evidence of it."
He had seen very few marriages that seemed made in Heaven. True there were some; his own parents, some of his acquaintances, Lord and Lady Fitzwilliam . . . but when compared to the number of bad marriages he had seen, the ratio was very small.
"I certainly believe it is true, for I have been so fortunate as to meet my wife," smiled Mr. Gardiner.
"I do not know if I have met the woman who is for me," replied Darcy softly.
"But of course you do not know when you first meet them - only future events will tell, and even so, you must still make your own choices and take the risk to find out if the one you believe is your partner-in-life, really is so."
A sudden tumble of blocks was heard crashing to the floor. William cried at the sight of his hard work lying scattered over the area and Mrs. Gardiner immediately rose and went to her son's side, while Alice tried to pick up the blocks, her father helping. Mrs. Gardiner tried to soothe her son, who refused to be calmed.
"Come now, William, we shall build a better tower this time, one that will not fall over so easily," coaxed Mr. Gardiner, taking the blocks from Alice. He placed blocks on top of each other, in a more stable design while William's sobs lessened as he watched his father. When it was finished, William laughed.
Darcy watched this little family scene from where he sat. Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner were such wonderful parents, and not only did they care for their own offspring, they were willing to help and look after any others who wished for their assistance. He instinctively felt that the Gardiners would treat him almost as one of their own.
For once, he could rely on someone, rather than having everyone rely on him.
The servant entered and announced that dinner was ready. Mr. Gardiner took the hands of his two daughters and led them into the dining room, William and Robert following behind. Mrs. Gardiner smiled at Darcy and he escorted her inside.
The meal was certainly not as elegant as the ones he had with Georgiana and the Bingleys, not with four young children wanting attention, but it was by far more comfortable and friendly. The dinner itself was simple yet tasted delicious. Darcy enjoyed himself thoroughly.
Afterwards, Mrs. Gardiner put the children were put to bed, leaving the two men to converse among themselves in Mr. Gardiner's study.
Darcy glanced at the bookshelves, noting that many of the best volumes that sat there were ones he had himself. Mr. Gardiner watched him, saying, "I doubt you will find one there that you have not read. Your library at Pemberley is more complete than my modest study."
"Yes, but my family has had the advantage of time to build up such a large collection." He rose from his seat and took down two of the books. "And yet, even with such an advantage, I do not have these which I have searched for a long time unsuccessfully."
"Which ones are they?" asked Mr. Gardiner. When he saw which ones Darcy spoke of, he said,
"Ah, these I remember - Jane and Lizzy were staying with us some time ago, and my wife and I took them to the bookstore. Lizzy discovered those, and found them so interesting I bought them for her. She finished them within a day and forgot to bring them home with her. You are at liberty to borrow them, if you wish."
Darcy thanked him gratefully. Seeing a portrait of a family that included a woman who seemed a younger Mrs. Bennet, Darcy wondered out aloud if Lydia would ever come to recognise her folly in eloping with Mr. Wickham.
"In time, she will come to realise her mistake," replied Mr. Gardiner, sighing. "But by then, it will be to late; they are bound to each other until death parts them. But perhaps, it is possible that Mr. Wickham will take advantage of this new beginning and life his life anew?" asked Mr. Gardiner hopefully.
"I wish I could say yes, but I know him too well to believe that he will mend his ways."
"Do you think that Mr. and Mrs. Wickham will abide by their promises not to tell anyone of your involvement?" asked Mr. Gardiner.
"Mr. Wickham will not; he would not want the Bennet family to know any more of his conduct than they do already, nor would he want it known that I have assisted him so much, not after what he has told everyone about me."
"Yes, I had heard some of those lies that he spread around the neighborhood," said Mr. Gardiner shaking his head. "They were quite malicious and I am afraid to say that he told them with such skill that many believed them."
"Does the whole of Meryton believe me to have wronged Mr. Wickham?" said Darcy.
"I am sorry to say that they did, though some people's opinions did change. Elizabeth, one of the ones who most vehemently stood by Mr. Wickham, now knows that she was mistaken." He looked at Darcy. "My niece told us of the truth of Mr. Wickham's character during our return to Longbourn, and that she had acquired her information from her visit to Kent last spring. I may hazard a guess as to the source of her information, and I thank him for opening her eyes."
"But had I told her earlier, when I first learned that Wickham was in town, the entire elopement could have been prevented," replied Darcy, still harboring guilt about his reluctance to reveal Wickham's character.
"Mr. Darcy, how can you blame yourself? I do not, nor does my wife, and, truth be told, neither does Lizzy. She first blamed herself, if you can believe it, for withholding her knowledge for so long, yet she also did not foresee Lydia's action even though she has known Lydia since birth. If she could not have foreseen it, neither could you. She no longer blames herself, and so neither can she blame you."
Elizabeth does not blame me? thought Darcy, startled. Surely I deserve it, yet she does not? Can this be true?
He looked at Mr. Gardiner. He had come to learn that he could be trusted; Mr. Gardiner would not have told him this just for his peace of mind. So it must be true.
"I . . .I thank you, sir," said Darcy sincerely.
They talked of other subjects, and as the hours passed, Darcy's respect for Mr. Gardiner increased. He was a well-educated man, who shared his love of reading. He found himself telling Mr. Gardiner more and more about his life, asking for advice on this and that. Mr. Gardiner would listen carefully and give him enough information to guide Darcy to a solution.
When the night had advanced quite late, Darcy left the Gardiners.
"I thank you for your hospitality, sir," said Darcy, shaking Mr. Gardiner's hand. He turned to Mrs. Gardiner, who had come to see him off and took his leave of her. She acknowledged him, and, after many invitations to meet again sometime if Darcy should be in London, he departed from the homely house in Cheapside with a lightened heart.
The next day, he left London and returned to Derbyshire, Wickham now out of his life forever.
Chapter 41 ~ Confrontation
It was the end of summer, and autumn would soon be approaching. Darcy took his time on the road, there was no hurry and the weather was fine. He sent word of his coming, and hopefully the letter to Georgiana would reach Pemberley a day or so before him.
Unlike his earlier arrival, Georgiana and the Bingleys were waiting outside to greet him. Georgiana glided down the steps of the house and embraced her brother, taking no notice of the people around her.
"I hope you took good care of our guests in my absence?" asked Darcy.
"I believe I did. Charles is so much more happier than last winter and has been very good company while you were away." She took his hand and led him to join the others.
"Darcy, I hope you have returned for good this time," greeted Bingley. "You have been flying all over the country lately, is it time for you to settle down?"
"Yes, I have no more plans for the next few months," responded he. "Peace and quiet are all I desire."
Bingley seemed more jovial, like the man he had been before leaving Jane. Darcy hoped this was a good sign of his friend's growing independence.
Miss Bingley and her sister were standing off to one side. Miss Bingley had a worried expression on her face, but she greeted him cordially enough.
"How good it is that you have returned to us," she simpered. "We have been quite desolate without our gracious host."
"Come now, brother, we must not keep you standing outside. Shall we go in?" asked Georgiana.
They all took her advice and followed her into the house.
After diner, Darcy and Bingley retired to the study to talk. Darcy was interested to see what new developments his friend had undergone. Already he seemed more confident of himself.
After speaking of more trivial things, Bingley suddenly made an offer.
"I have been thinking, Darcy, of returning to Netherfield." Before Darcy could say anything to this, he hurried on. "The shooting season is coming and the game around Netherfield is very abundant. Would you like to join me? I have asked my sisters, but they are still thinking if they will come."
Darcy froze at his friend's invitation. Should I go? Run the risk of meeting Elizabeth again? After what Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner told me, is it right for me to go?
"Come Darcy, it would be better if I had company."
There was something in his friend's voice that made Darcy look up. He looked at Bingley, and sensed that though hunting was part of his desire to return to Netherfield, it certainly was not the main reason.
He was grateful to know that Bingley had made this decision himself. Darcy had been prepared to convince Bingley to go to Netherfield, but if he had already chosen to do so, it made things even better.
But should he go with him?
Though Bingley did not say it out loud, it was obvious he did really want his friend's company.
With a sudden decision, Darcy voiced his acceptance.
"Good, good, excellent! We shall be quite a merry party. I wonder how all our friends in Hertfordshire are? What changes have happened?" He continued in this manner for some time.
Darcy told himself he was going to Netherfield to see if Jane Bennet still returned his friend's love. If she did, he would confess his deception to Bingley, and do his utmost to see his friend married to her.
That's what he told himself anyway. He knew there was another reason - but as of yet, he did not acknowledge it.
Late that same evening, Darcy had retired to the library to begin reading the book he had borrowed from Mr. Gardiner. He had settled down into a large chair by the fire, the first moment of complete peace and relaxation in a long time.
Unfortunately, his solitude was broken by the arrival of Miss Bingley.
"Mr. Darcy, may I have a word with you?" asked the lady.
He sighed and put down his book. "Certainly."
She shut the door behind her. Coming closer to him, she began,
"Mr. Darcy, you must speak to my brother at once!"
"On what subject, pray?"
"The day you left for London, he expressed his intention of returning to Netherfield!" She paused, waiting to see any reaction from him. When he gave none, she continued.
"He says it is for sport, and true, the hunting season is approaching; but we know that he will be inevitably be drawn to Jane Bennet. When I tried to inform him of the folly of such a venture, he told me in no uncertain terms, that he did not care for my opinion. Mr. Darcy, you must speak to him!"
"It is Bingley's decision to make; I cannot presume to make him change his mind if he is determined upon it."
"But when he meets Jane again, his interest for her might, nay, will be rekindled and a marriage will soon follow. All our efforts since last November will be wasted."
"If he does not listen to his sister, then what makes you think that he will listen to me?"
"You are his oldest friend, and he takes your advice. Think of how many difficult decisions you have made for him in the past!"
"Miss Bingley, I should no longer presume to run Bingley's life for him. If he wishes for my advice, I shall give it, but no longer will I tell him what to do, least of all advise him in matters of his own heart. If he loves Miss Bennet, and she returns his affections and accepts a proposal, then I shall be most happy for him."
Aghast at what she was hearing, Miss Bingley exclaimed, "Do you not remember our objections to such a marriage? Jane may be a sweet girl, but her family, connections!"
Darcy sighed. "Miss Bingley, what we did to separate them, was wrong. I was mistaken in my belief of Miss Bennet's indifference, for I now know she returned his affections. Whether her feelings for him have altered since I last saw her, I do not know, but Bingley is entitled to find out. In fact," he continued, smiling, "I myself have never seen such plentiful sport as I did in Hertfordshire. Your brother invited me to join him, and I shall accompany him."
At this, Miss Bingley turned a shade paler.
"But, sir, surely you do not wish to return to Hertfordshire and its inhabitants. If I remember correctly, you did not enjoy our last stay there. In fact, you quite disliked some of the inhabitants, and may I be so bold as to say that some in particular did not approve of you, though I cannot see why. I share your opinion of them; they are a group of country savages and some of them were quite abominably rude to us. If you dislike the populace so much, then may I recommend that you do not return there."
Though she did not mention Elizabeth out loud, Darcy knew that she was uppermost in Miss Bingley's mind. His smile disappeared.
"Miss Bingley," he said coldly, "Is there any particular reason that you do not wish for me to go with your brother to Netherfield?"
The lady did not answer. He continued in a serious tone.
"Is it out of concern for me, that I might not enjoy my stay there, or are you afraid that I will again be thrown into the path of Miss Elizabeth Bennet?" He sighed. "Miss Bingley, after all these years, have you not come to the terms that you will never be anything more to me except for the sister of my closest friend? I never intended for you to believe our relationship any more intimate than that, and if I have led you to a misunderstanding, I apologise. I am now telling you quite bluntly, and I hope you will forgive my honesty, that you should give up your ambition of winning my affections."
Miss Bingley stood very still, frozen to the spot where she stood. Her eyes were fearful, as if only now she acknowledged something that she had known for many months.
"There is someone in the world for all of us," said Darcy gently. "But fate will only bring us so far. It is up to each individual to recognise what path their life has begun after the initial meeting - then we must decide if the risks and chances we must take along the road to final felicity in marriage are worth the hardships along the way."
"And you truly believe Elizabeth Bennet is the other half of your soul?" whispered Miss Bingley, the last traces of denial leaving her.
Darcy sighed. "I am not sure. But I am willing to take that chance."
Miss Bingley did not speak. The expression one her face was one of someone who had had their illusions and dreams shattered. Darcy could sympathise - God knew that he had felt the same pain once, many months ago.
"Your mind believed that we could be happy together," said he, walking towards the door. "Have you asked your heart what you truly want?"
He did not look back to see her reaction. He exited the room, quietly closing the door behind him.
Chapter 42 ~ House of Memories
After this confrontation, Darcy was careful that he and Miss Bingley were never alone in each other's company. He avoided her as much as possible, without his behaviour being deemed impolite. Thankfully, Miss Bingley did the same.
Bingley was pleased at the prospect of returning to Netherfield, even more so when Darcy confirmed that he was accompanying him. Unfortunately, Bingley's sisters declined the offer to come also, as did his brother-in-law. They would instead go to Scarborough for three weeks. Georgiana also could not come; she would remain at Pemberley with Mrs. Annesley.
When Georgiana was informed of her brother's going to Hertfodshire, as soon as they were alone she said to him,
"Will you call on Miss Elizabeth Bennet?"
To which Darcy replied,
"I don't know."
Georgiana, although not at all satisfied with such an answer, did not press her brother any further.
Bingley and Darcy were to leave in about two weeks, arriving at Netherfield on Wednesday.
Darcy was more than slightly apprehensive about returning to Hertfodshire and more especially, to the company of a certain inhabitant of the area. He was sure that Bingley felt the same. It was inevitable that they would, sooner or later, come into the Bennet's company. What would happen at such a meeting was impossible to foresee.
A letter was sent to the housekeeper a few days before they left Pemberley, ordering that the house be prepared for the returning master and his friend.
Darcy, as he and his friend rode slowly along the road in Hertfodshire, watched as the surrounding countryside grew more and more familiar and when at length they turned to head towards Netherfield, he began to ask himself just why he had come.
Neither of them spoke; it was a comfortable silence and they were unwilling to break it. Each was lost in their own thoughts, and very similar thoughts they were too.
Darcy was uncomfortable. What was his business in Hertfodshire? He had no reason at all to return. But he knew that he must see if Bingley could win Jane Bennet for his wife - and this time, Darcy would help him instead of plotting to sabotage their relationship.
He had not yet apologised to Bingley for his deception last winter, of hiding the knowledge of Jane's presence in London from his friend. He had to do it soon. Better for Darcy to tell him personally, before Bingley found out about his friend's deception in a less desirable way. Though the day was fine, he shivered when he thought as to how to confess his actions to Bingley.
Out of the corner of his eye, there was a flash of ochre. Immediately his thoughts turned to Elizabeth.
How changed he was since he had last come here. He was no longer the empty, proud young man that had thought Elizabeth just 'tolerable', but a man he hoped was amiable and kind, a gentleman who now took an interest in the world around him.
Not only that, a gentleman deeply in love.
Would it be better if I had never accepted Bingley's invitation to stay at Netherfield? he wondered. Never set foot in Hertfodshire, the assembly rooms of Meryton? I would never have had to bear such pain as I did during those months in London.
But then I never would have met Elizabeth, never known the truth of myself . . . never known what it was to feel love.
Having experienced love, unrequited though it may be, he was now more human rather than the cold marble statue he had sometimes been whenever he wore his mask of indifference and rejection that had nearly been second nature to him. Love had prevented him from becoming so accustomed to the mask that one day he never would have removed it.
Life had been so meaningless before I knew I was in love, and surely it is better to know what I can never have than to go through life knowing I lacked something but never knowing what it was.
But even though he had come to terms with never having Elizabeth's love, he still could not help but hope.
By this time, they had arrived at the gates of Netherfield.
"Here we are at last," sighed Bingley tiredly.
Darcy nodded. Netherfield; where the beginning of his change had begun.
The two men dismounted and gave the reins to the servants that had magically appeared. Their belongings had already arrived, and they entered the house to rest for the trials that awaited them.
When Darcy went to bed that night, he had decided that either Netherfield was haunted, or he was going mad. Being of a practical nature, the idea of spirits living in the house was immediately dismissed, and because he thought he was going crazy, it ruled out the fact of him being out of his mind. Having rejected these hypotheses, the only theory that was left was that Elizabeth had become so much a part of his life that even when she was not present, she still affected him
In the garden, he remembered when he had come upon her walking to inquire after Jane, the hem of her dress coated in mud and her face radiant. The ballroom was even worse, if he closed his eyes he could almost hear the music to which he and Elizabeth had danced to together.
When he stood, alone, in the dining room, he recollected how Jane and Elizabeth had been embarrassed at their family's behaviour. Mary's eagerness to be noticed and applauded, and her subsequent humiliation by her own father. Mrs. Bennet's loud boasting of Jane and Bingley's supposed marriage, turning a blind eye to the antics of Lydia and Catherine. Darcy shook his head at himself when he thought of his disgust when he witnessed it. Now, he no longer cared. It no longer mattered.
However her family may conduct themselves, whatever her connections and fortune may be, it is of no importance. Elizabeth is Elizabeth, regardless of everything else.
The house was full of memories. He smiled sadly at them, remembering the past for the future...
Chapter 43 ~ Doubt
The two friends arose early, eager to begin the day's activities, but before they had even finished their breakfast, Sir William Lucas arrived to give his greetings.
"Ah, Mr. Bingley, welcome back to Hertfodshire. I hope you have been well?" asked he.
Bingley looked pleased to see Sir William, but also disappointed, as if he had been expecting someone else.
"Very well, sir, and yourself?"
The exchange of pleasantries continued for a few moments. Darcy stood off to one side, unsure of what to do. He knew that everyone in Meryton still viewed him as proud and disagreeable; and now he had to do his best to change all that.
"Sir William, may I inquire after your daughter, Mrs. Collins?" he asked finally, thinking it a safe topic of conversation.
The man looked astonished at being addressed by him. He puffed a little, then said, "She is very well. I believe you saw her when you were visiting your aunt, the illustrious Lady Catherine de Bourgh in Easter. I am sorry that I missed your visit, but may I say sir, that your aunt is all affability and generosity. I believe that Charlotte has done very well. Lady Catherine has treated her and Mr. Collins exceedingly well."
Darcy hid a grimace. His aunt enjoyed domineering over others and interfering in business that had nothing to do with her. He pitied Charlotte, yet was grateful that it was she who bore the name Mrs. Collins instead of Elizabeth.
"Mrs. Collins is a very good woman. She seems very happy with her situation," he said instead.
Darcy watched Sir William's face. The man looked quite astonished, and was nearly openly staring at Darcy as if he had never seen him before. Darcy had never initiated a conversation between them before of his own will, and Sir William was unsure of what to make of him. Darcy shook his head slightly at what everyone must have thought of him last autumn.
"Ah, yes. Thank you sir," said Sir William. He turned back to Bingley. "I wonder, Mr. Bingley, if you and Mr. Darcy would do myself and Lady Lucas the honour of dining at Lucas Lodge this evening?"
Bingley turned to his friend. "I certainly would enjoy it. What say you, Darcy?"
Darcy thought for a moment. Preferably he would remain at home, but he had to do his best to show everyone that he was different from last year. What better way than to dine at Lucas Lodge the home of the most eminent family in the neighborhood?
"I would be happy to join you."
Sir William looked flustered. "Well, then, sirs, I look forward to your company this evening. Perhaps you would tell us of your winter in London. I dearly would have liked to stay there myself and take my family St. James court. Did you go there yourself?"
Bingley politely answered in the negative. Darcy, with the greatest patience, bore up with the man's overbearing manners.
The visit did not last much longer. With many prolonged farewells by Sir William and hopes for the evening, Darcy and Bingley were finally able to go about the day's activities.
They left the house, hoping for a few hours, to forget the thoughts that had kept them both awake. But none of their them seemed to be on sport, and though the expedition was not an entire failure, the amount of game killed was less than usual.
Darcy tried to think of the best way to confess to Bingley. It would be painful for both of them. What Bingley would do when he knew of his oldest friend's deceit, Darcy could not help but wonder - and fear.
Sir William Lucas, Lady Lucas, Maria Lucas and the younger children greeted their guests cordially, but it was painfully obvious they were much more at ease with Bingley than Darcy. Only Sir William spoke to him; after the initial pleasantries, Lady Lucas hardly said a word to him, the younger children had much more interest in talking to each other and Maria was too frightened of him.
He began to realize just how his behaviour had alienated others - not just Elizabeth. Other people, who may not mean much to him, but who were still people.
After the meal, he decided to talk to Maria.
"I hope you enjoyed visiting your sister in April?" he asked her. Bingley was talking to Sir William and Lady Lucas on the other side of the room; the younger children had left to prepare for bed.
Maria jumped a little. She looked towards her parents as if searching for help, then replied, "Yes I did. Papa says she has done very well, and I agree. But la, I was quite frightened of Lady Catherine. She is very kind to Charlotte, but very, very grand. Did you know," she continued, her face lighting up. "Charlotte writes that I am to become an aunt in a few months!" It seemed that when given the chance to speak, her apprehension was disappearing.
The girl's delight was evident. To this information, Darcy made no reply. He did not dwell on it but merely nodded.
Maria continued. "I enjoyed meeting Colonel Fitzwilliam. He was very pleasant gentleman. Was he well when you last saw him?"
Darcy answered in the affirmative. His cousin had been of great support to him after their visit in Kent. He had not seen him since Colonel Fitzwilliam left for the North, but knowing his cousin's temperament, he was sure he was well.
"Charlotte and I teased Elizabeth about him," said she smiling. "He was very attentive to her. I had hoped that Elizabeth would receive a marriage proposal while we were at Hunsford, but it all came to nothing. Still, I do hope the Colonel will see her again. Lizzy liked him very much. She was quite out of sorts when you both left."
Darcy froze. Maria recalled to him all-too-vividly how his cousin and Elizabeth enjoyed each other's company. He knew that Richard Fitzwilliam admired Elizabeth very much, and she, him.
Perhaps Elizabeth felt more than he thought for his cousin?
He told himself no. He had observed her behaviour while he visited Hunsford in April, and had come to the conclusion that Elizabeth did not love his cousin.
But what if he had been mistaken? Maria knew Elizabeth better than he did, and at the time, Darcy had been blinded by his pride. What if he had persuaded himself to see only what he wanted to see?
When he was compared to his cousin, he was found badly lacking. Colonel Fitzwilliam's easy manners, humour and amiability were much better qualities than Darcy had.
The longer Maria talked to him, the more Darcy convinced himself that his cousin was better for Elizabeth. Colonel Fitzwilliam, though not as well off as he was, certainly had enough to support himself and a wife. If one was to forget fortune, Darcy could see no reason why Elizabeth would not want his cousin.
Darcy remembered very well what jealousy he had experienced whenever he had observed Fitzwilliam and Elizabeth talking, laughing, both enjoying each other's company.
Fitzwilliam had told him that he had no intention of marrying Elizabeth. But should be become of her feelings, would that change?
"What a pity that the militia have left! Their company was greatly welcome; though would you believe, when Lydia went away, it was said that Mr. Wickham was a very bad man indeed. I can't see why people would say that - I liked him very much. Lydia is so very lucky!"
Darcy closed his eyes. He wondered how Elizabeth had fared when Mr. and Mrs. Wickham had come to visit.
By now, Bingley began to draw the visit to a close. Darcy thankfully joined in the farewells, eager to get away from Maria's conversation that was causing him so much pain and doubt.
Chapter 44
The second day passed in much the same way as the first, though there were no visitors. Darcy was grateful for this, he needed privacy to sort out his thoughts and feelings.
He kept thinking of Colonel Fitzwilliam and Elizabeth. The more he thought about it, the more likely it seemed to him that Elizabeth had a great affection for his cousin.
But troubled as he was, he was not blind to the behavior of his friend. Bingley seemed increasingly uncomfortable. Sometimes he would begin to say something to Darcy, then suddenly break off. Finally, in evening of the second day, Darcy confronted Bingley over it.
"What is it you keep wanting to talk to me about, Bingley?"
Bingley blushed a little then said, "It's nothing of importance."
Darcy was not one to give up easily and pressed his friend further.
Bingley did not look at him as he spoke. "I was wondering, would you like to visit the Bennets tomorrow?" At Darcy's expression, he hurriedly added, "We do not have to go so soon, we could wait for a few more days."
Darcy closed his eyes. Did he want to see Elizabeth? He did not know where they stood with each other. He loved her, but what did she feel for him? Friendship at the most, while perhaps her heart belonged to another.
But he did not have to go for her. He had to see if Jane still loved his friend.
"Do you want to see Jane Bennet?" he replied simply.
Bingley looked up. Darcy smiled at him.
Bingley looked down at the floor. "To tell the truth - yes." He sighed. "I still think of her, I suppose I still harbor affection for her. I know that you told me that she is indifferent to me, but I still cannot stop myself from wanting to see Jane again."
"Perhaps I was wrong." His friend stared at him. Darcy continued, "What if my observations of Miss Bennet were incorrect? As much as your sister believes the contrary, I am far from perfect." He smiled at his statement.
"But, but - " stammered Bingley.
"Bingley, I am not always right in my judgements," he continued. "I can even be wrong about my own feelings. Remember how I once said Elizabeth Bennet wasn't handsome enough to tempt me? Look at how wrong I was about that."
His friend thought about this for a while. "Yes, you have seemed to have altered your opinion on that. I didn't know you had admitted it to yourself."
Darcy looked away. "I have known for a long time," he said softly.
"So you believe that Jane returns my affections?" said Bingley earnestly. "You think that her connections and family are not so bad as you once thought?"
"They are no longer important, if you love her."
Bingley sat back in his chair, looking away.
"So I have your approval?"
"It is your decision," chastised Darcy. "All I will say that if you intend to court her, then I shall not protest."
Bingley thought, then said determinedly, "Right, then we shall visit Longbourn tomorrow."
Darcy smiled, partly sharing Bingley's happiness, partly to hide his own uneasiness.
He lay awake in his bed that night, wondering what to do during their visit, how to behave. He would not be comfortable, not with Elizabeth there, knowing that she would never be his.
Unable to sleep, he got out of bed and looked out the window, across the field, his mind three miles away.
If all goes well, Bingley's happiness is but days from being fulfilled. How could I have been so proud as to think Jane wrong for Bingley? There is no one who can make him as happy as she can.
He sighed. And Elizabeth? There is no one who can complete my life except her. But if her heart does not lie with me, then I will not force it. Her happiness is all I desire.
Darcy turned back to his bed. Tomorrow, he would see Elizabeth and he would do his best not to let his emotions overcome his good sense. He would merely watch Jane Bennet for any signs of regard for his friend, and then confess all to Bingley.
Perhaps he should go to London for a while. Bingley would want privacy to court Jane, and Darcy did not know if he wanted to be in Bingley's company after telling him of his deceit.
Decision made, he slept. His slumber was uneasy though, as all he dreamt of was that evening in Rosings, when he, an outsider, watched as Elizabeth had played the piano, his cousin Richard Fitzwilliam by her side.
Chapter 45 ~ Visit to Longbourn
Soon after breakfast, Bingley and Darcy were leisurely riding across the fields to a destination three miles away. As the distance between them and Longbourn decreased, Darcy did his best to calm himself.
Don't look at her; remember, you are to observe Jane, he kept repeating to himself.
Soon, they had entered the paddock near Longbourn and were riding towards the house. Darcy fancied he saw some movement behind one of the windows but ignored it. All too soon, they had arrived. They dismounted and entered the house.
The housekeeper greeted them at the door. She asked them to wait while she announced their arrival. From the muffled sounds coming from the drawing room, Darcy imagined the female members of the Bennet family were quickly preparing for the gentlemen's visit.
"Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy, ma'am," announced the housekeeper, entering the room before them.
Bingley quickly walked inside, a large smile on his face as he saw the ladies of the family inside. Mr. Bennet, Darcy imagined, was enclosed in his library. Quietly, seriously, Darcy followed Bingley. Proceeding through the usual ceremonious greeting, he chanced a quick glance at Elizabeth. There was no smile on her face like he so fondly remembered.
Bingley was warmly received by Mrs. Bennet, who in contrast, was pointedly cold and polite to Darcy. Darcy did not mind so much as he might have, knowing her bad opinion of him had been well founded. However, when he looked again at Elizabeth, she blushed slightly, as if ashamed for her mother. He wished that he could reassure her that he did not hold any resentment against Mrs. Bennet but it was impossible to do so.
Mrs. Bennet quickly accosted Bingley in conversation, leaving her daughters, sitting at the table working at their embroidery and Darcy, standing to one side. Though he stood close to Elizabeth, she did not look at him.
"Miss Elizabeth," Darcy addressed her after some minutes of silence, "how do your aunt and uncle, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner?"
She turned slightly to look at him.
"I believe they are quite well, or they were when I saw them last," replied Elizabeth, sounding somewhat confused.
Darcy nodded, knowing he must put some distance between himself and her before he was tempted to further the conversation. He quietly moved to stand behind Bingley, who was seated facing Mrs. Bennet. Mrs. Bennet was still gaily chatting to Bingley, completely ignoring him. Her daughters were silent, their eyes lowered to their work.
Thoughtfully, he turned his eyes to Jane Bennet.
Time had not dimmed her beauty, and though she seemed busy, he fancied he observed her glance every now and again at Bingley. Though she seemed serene, there was something of hope and longing reflected in her eyes whenever she looked at his friend.
Opposite Jane sat Elizabeth. Darcy found his eyes wandering to her and had to keep reminding himself of his objective on this visit. When he had caught himself looking at Elizabeth for the fifth time, he mentally chastised himself and turned his eyes to the floor. Suddenly, she asked him,
"Mr. Darcy, I hope Miss Darcy was well when you left her?"
Surprised, he glanced up and replied, "Yes, she is very well."
There the conversation ended.
"It is a long time, Mr. Bingley, since you went away," said Mrs. Bennet.
He readily agreed to it.
"I began to be afraid you would never come back again. People did say that you meant to quit the place entirely at Michaelmas; but, however, I hope it is not true."
Darcy smiled to himself; of course Mrs. Bennet wanted to Bingley to remain at Netherfield. She had obviously not lost her hopes of Bingley marrying Jane, and if Darcy had anything to say about it, her wish would be granted.
Tea was called for and Mrs. Bennet continued talking to Bingley.
"A great many changes have happened in the neighbourhood, since you went away. Miss Lucas is married and settled. And one of my own daughters."
Darcy flinched slightly, surely Mrs. Bennet was not going to speak of Mr. and Mrs. Wickham?
"I suppose you have heard of it; indeed you must have seen it in the papers. It was in the Times and the Courier, I know; though it was not put in properly. It only said, 'Lately, George Wickham, Esq. to Miss Lydia Bennet,' without a syllable said of her father, or the place she lived, or anything. It was my brother Gardiner's drawing up too, and I wonder how he came to make such an awkward business of it. Did you see it?" Mrs. Bennet asked Bingley.
During this rendition, Darcy had disgustedly turned away from the company and forced himself to look out the window. Bingley replied that he did, and gave his congratulations.
The notice was done a-purpose, with the knowledge that the less said of Lydia's actions, the better. Some people might not have wanted it announced to the world that their relation's reputation had to be mended with a patched-up marriage, he thought to himself.
He did not dare look back at Elizabeth, remembering how she had been when he had come upon her in the Lambton Inn, soon after receiving news of Lydia's elopement. How she looked now, he could not tell.
Without a thought as to the tension in the room, Mrs. Bennet continued again.
"It is a delightful thing, to be sure, to have a daughter well married," (here Darcy restrained a contemptuous laugh) "but at the same time, Mr. Bingley, it is very hard to have her taken such a way from me. They have gone down to Newcastle, a place quite northward, it seems, and there they are to stay, I do not know how long. His regiment is there; for I suppose you have heard of his leaving the _______shire, and of his being gone into the regulars. Thank Heaven! he has some friends, though perhaps not as many as he deserves," she finished pointedly at Darcy, who remained facing the window. However, he did turn slightly, thinking how ignorant Mrs. Bennet was as to the true circumstances of Mr. Wickham's friends.
But at least this shows that she has no idea as to my involvement.
Provoked, perhaps by her mother's remark, Elizabeth spoke up.
"Do you intend to stay long in the neighbourhood, Mr. Bingley?" she asked.
After some hesitation, Bingley replied that they would stay some weeks, "I hope very much, we shall stay a few weeks," he said. A glance behind him told Darcy that his friend was looking with some eagerness at Jane Bennet.
Jane seemed very pleased with Bingley's decision.
Perhaps she still felt affection for his friend?
He turned to Elizabeth. She, however, seemed half-alarmed at Bingley's announcement, as if not knowing whether to delight in it or fear their stay.
"When you have killed all your own birds, Mr. Bingley," said Mrs. Bennet, "I beg you will come here and shoot as many as you please, on Mr. Bennet's manor. I am sure he will be vastly happy to oblige you, and will save all the best of the covies for you."
Darcy pretended not to notice the unnecessary and officious attention Mrs. Bennet was giving to Bingley.
"I suppose you may bring your friends," said Mrs. Bennet, in a tone that said the very opposite.
Darcy could see Elizabeth's ashamed expression reflected in the window. He wished he could somehow tell her that he could now look past her mother's behaviour. He may not like Mrs. Bennet, but could bear her rudeness and coldness to him.
Tea was now served, and though he spoke to no one, Darcy carefully observed Jane Bennet as she, responded to Bingley's attentions. Bingley seemed uncomfortable at first, speaking to Jane, but after some minutes, his hesitancy dissolved and he was soon carrying the conversation. Jane spoke little, but her eyes spoke volumes. She kept looking at Bingley with a controlled passion and hope that Darcy mentally kicked himself for having missed before. Had he not interfered, Bingley would now be happily married.
So absorbed was he in watching his friend and Jane, he did not notice Elizabeth coming to stand beside him.
She remained silent at first, uncomfortable as he could easily see. He hoped that none of his own discomfort was apparent.
"I hope your family is in the best of health," she said finally.
Darcy looked at her. She did not look back at him.
"Yes, Georgiana is intently improving her music skills this winter. I must thank you for helping her overcome her discomfort in performing to others."
Elizabeth blushed slightly and thanked him.
"I'm very glad to hear it," she said "And your cousin, how is Colonel Fitzwilliam?"
Darcy hesitated before answering. "He is very well also."
Elizabeth nodded. When none of them ventured to further the conversation, Darcy quickly moved away, not wanting to remain so close to the love he could never have.
When the gentlemen rose to go away, Mrs. Bennet invited and engaged them to dine at Longbourn in a few days time.
"You have quite a visit in my debt, Mr. Bingley," she added, "for when you went to town last winter, you promised to take a family dinner with us, as soon as you returned. I have not forgot, you see; and I assure you, I was very much disappointed that you did not come back and keep your engagement."
Bingley looked a little silly at this reflection, and said something of his concern, at having been prevented by business. They then went away.
Darcy did not look back as they rode down the road back to Netherfield. He was too deep in thought to respond to Bingley's jubilant delight at returning on Tuesday. If he had ever wished for proof that Elizabeth cared for his cousin, he now had it.
Don't dwell on that now, he told himself, such thoughts will only depress you. You would not wish to wreck Bingley's coming happiness.
Jane, he was happy to see, still showed signs that she still loved Bingley. Darcy resolved to confirm this, during the dinner on Tuesday.
After that, he promised himself to tell Bingley everything.
How lucky his friend was! Darcy wished that he could only have half of Bingley's luck in love. If he had that, his life would be complete indeed.
If I had Elizabeth, he thought sadly as they arrived home.
Chapter 46 ~ A Tuesday Dinner
On Tuesday, Darcy and Bingley, to their credit of their punctuality as sportsmen, arrived in very good time. There was a rather large party assembled at Longbourn, including Mrs. Long and the Gouldings. After the usual ceremonious salutation attending the gentlemen's entrance, the entire party repaired to the dining room.
Darcy watched his friend carefully, to see if Bingley would take the place, which, in all the former parties, had belonged to him, by Jane Bennet. On entering the room, Bingley seemed to hesitate; but then Jane happened to look around, and happened to smile: it was decided. He placed himself by her.
Darcy bore it with a mask of noble indifference that hid his happiness for his friend. When Bingley turned his eyes towards Darcy with an expression of half-laughing alarm, Darcy allowed some of his delight to reveal itself, letting Bingley know that he whole-heartedly approved of his action.
Bingley's behaviour to Jane was such, during the dinnertime, as showed that his admiration of her had indeed not faded, but rather deepened. Though perhaps more guarded than formerly, it persuaded Darcy, that if left to himself, his happiness and Jane's own, would be speedily secured. Darcy had found the ample proof he had sought; that Jane loved his friend and was even now responding to her lover's attentions.
This, however, was all the animation his spirits could boast, for he was in no cheerful humour. Elizabeth was almost as far from him as the table could divide them. He was seated beside Mrs. Bennet.
Darcy had very little desire to speak to the woman, and she quite obviously returned the sentiment. They hardly spoke, and when they did, what little was said was overly formal and cold. He had tried once to break the ice between them, by remarking that the partridges were remarkably well done, but her curt reply discouraged any further attempts at conversation.
Perhaps the only advantage of his seating arrangement, was that he commanded a virtually unobstructed view of Elizabeth. He looked at her often, noticing that she seemed slightly disappointed about something. But as there were thirteen pairs of eyes, not including him, able to watch his activity, he could not look at the object of his love for long.
Seeing her, he could not stop the pang of jealousy and pain that pierced his heart, knowing that he loved her so utterly, but her heart belonged to his cousin of all people. Much as he would have wanted to, he could not hate Richard Fitzwilliam or Elizabeth.
All he could do was bow his head and accept it.
After the dinner had finished, the gentlemen; Mr. Bennet, Mr. Goulding, Bingley and Darcy retired to the library. While Bingley and Mr. Goulding talked much about the events in Hertfordshire during Bingley's absence, Mr. Bennet adding his own observations and comments now and then, Darcy remained for the most part, silent. He responded to any questions and such that were directed towards him, but he did not initiate any conversation.
Darcy then realized, that since his and Bingley's arrival in Hertfordshire, he had rarely spoken to Elizabeth. Hardly surprising, considering his current emotional state. But just because they could not be man and wife, did that mean tat they could not be friends? It was difficult that they could not be easy in each other's company - perhaps he should try to change that?
Perhaps. He would try talking to her when they rejoined the ladies in the drawing room.
Soon, the gentlemen did leave the library and proceed to the drawing room where the women sat talking. Bingley immediately sought out Jane, while Darcy took a deep breath and headed towards Elizabeth.
Unfortunately, the ladies crowded around the table where Mrs. Bennet was serving tea, and Elizabeth pouring out coffee, in such close confederacy, that there was not a single vacancy near her, which would admit of a chair. His resolution faltering, Darcy hesitated, for on his approaching, one of the girls moved closer to Elizabeth than ever and whispered to her. Quickly, he walked away to another part of the room.
To cover his discomfort, he took a cup of coffee and spoke to a few people in the room, sometimes Bingley, once to Jane and now and then to William Goulding, but the lady whose conversation he longed for most, he could not speak to.
Enraged at himself for being so silly, he said to himself,
A man who has been once refused! How could I ever be so foolish, enough to expect her to love me? Is there not one among the sex who would alter her frame of mind after so determinedly declaring her feelings outright?
But however mush he lectured himself in this manner, he still could not resist bringing back his coffee cup to Elizabeth. He was very surprised when she said to him,
"Is your sister at Pemberley still?"
"Yes, she will remain there till Christmas," replied he.
"And quite alone? Have all her friends left her?" pressed Elizabeth.
"Mrs. Annesley is with her. The others have been gone on to Scarborough, these three weeks."
Elizabeth did not reply. Happy that Elizabeth had asked after Georgiana, unhappy that Elizabeth did not continue the conversation, Darcy stood by her, for some minutes, in silence; and, at last, on the young lady's whispering to her again, he walked away.
When the tea things were removed, and the card tables placed, all the ladies rose. Thinking of joining Elizabeth, Darcy began to make his way towards her but was suddenly stopped my Mrs. Bennet. Her rapacity for whist players soon caused him to be seated with the rest of the party. He now lost every expectation of pleasure, not that he had expected much of it in the first place. Longingly, he kept looking towards the side of the room where Elizabeth sat. His wandering eyes and attention caused him to play most unsuccessfully.
The evening ended soon after. Their carriage being ordered before any of the others, Darcy and Bingley took their leave. Darcy's disappointment of the evening was slightly alleviated by his observations of Bingley's farewell to Jane. Distanced from the rest of the group, they were in earnest conversation, until Bingley finally realized that the time of his departure had arrived.
With many hearty good-byes and much pressing on Mrs. Bennet's part to come again, the two gentlemen left.
Bingley was characteristically jovial, taking the burden of conversation away from his taciturn friend. Darcy was grateful for this, troubled as he was trying to think of the best way to tell Bingley that his oldest friend had plotted against his happiness. He wondered how Bingley would react.
To give his friend the privacy to court Jane - and to allow both of them time away from each other after his confession, Darcy decided to go to London.
"I shall be leaving tomorrow," he said aloud.
Bingley stopped in his speech and stared at Darcy. "Why for? Where to?"
"It shan't be for long, no more than ten days," Darcy reassured him. "I merely need to go to London, on a matter of business."
"Business?" queried Bingley. "I do not recall a letter arriving for you here. May I inquire as to what business?"
"It is nothing of much consequence, just some things I need to do."
Bingley was hardly satisfied with this, but as Darcy ventured to speak no more, he had to be content.
The reason for Darcy's silence was quite frankly, fear. Fear that Bingley's normal good nature might not be enough to forgive Darcy for his deceit, and fear that this episode might herald that their friendship would no longer be as close as it once was - or even the end.