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Chapter 47 ~ Confessions and Blessings
The next morning, Darcy rose early, and was soon dressed and waiting for Bingley downstairs. His carriage stood outside ready to leave at a moment's notice.
He did not have to wait long. Bingley soon appeared, happy and cheerful.
"Good morning," he said brightly. "So early? I can't imagine what is so urgent that you need to leave at first light."
Taking a deep breath, Darcy said, "May I have a word with you, Charles?"
Bingley stopped short at the use of his name. Only a matter of grave import would cause Darcy to call his friend such.
"On what subject, pray?"
Darcy did not look at his friend. "Do you remember, last November, when I spoke with you about Jane Bennet?"
"Yes, I do," Bingley looked distressed. "Surely you do not mean that you still think Jane indifferent?"
"No, no," reassured Darcy quickly. "As a matter of fact, I believe the opposite."
Bingley blushed slightly. "Ah, I am glad of that."
"And why?" asked Darcy with one raised eyebrow.
Bingley shyly looked at his boots. After some hesitancy, he said, "For I had intended upon giving her a proposal of marriage."
Darcy smiled genuinely. "That is wonderful news. You will do very well."
"So you believe her feelings for me have changed?" asked Bingley hopefully.
Darcy's smile disappeared. "They have not changed. They have remained constant all this while."
Bingley stopped, confused.
"Let me explain myself, Charles," continued Darcy. "I owe you the deepest of my apologies, for my proud behavior and my consequent actions against both you and Jane Bennet."
"What have you done?"
"Last year, not only did I persuade you not to return to Hertfordshire or propose to Miss Bennet, believing her indifferent to you, I also conspired, with your sisters, to keep you separated from her."
"What?" exclaimed Bingley incredulously. Darcy winced.
"Out my own mistaken pride, I thought that the Bennet family were not good enough for you. My belief of Miss Bennet's indifference only strengthened my argument against your marriage. I now know that I have been mistaken. She was never indifferent to you. She loves you with all her heart, and I am happy for you." He paused, not looking at his friend. "I am truly sorry, for how I have hurt you."
"When did you find out that she loved me?" pressed Bingley.
Darcy stopped. Must he tell Bingley of his failed proposal in April? Bingley was earnestly looking at his friend for a reply. Darcy took a deep breath.
"I was actually informed of my error last April, when I saw Elizabeth Bennet. She was visiting Mrs. Collins the same time I was visiting Lady Catherine."
"You saw Elizabeth Bennet? Why did you not tell me?"
"Because I did not want to be reminded of it." He sighed and closed his eyes. "You will now know why I was so . . . difficult after my return. I had offered Elizabeth Bennet a proposal of marriage, which she refused. During the evening when I had seen her, she told me, in no uncertain terms, that she could never accept a man who had ruined, perhaps forever, the happiness of her beloved sister. It was then that I became aware of my error in judgement, but, caught up in my emotions at the time, the seriousness of my actions, of how I had hurt my oldest friend and the sister of the one I loved, did not hit me until some time after."
Though he had said this as unemotionally as possible, any casual observer could have easily seen how affected Darcy was. Bingley stared, stunned.
"At least this explains your strange behavior. I never knew you felt that way about her," he said at last. "Then must you know how much I have suffered." He said this in a bittersweet tone of voice.
"Yes," replied Darcy.
Is he going to pardon me for my actions? Or does he pity me?
"My love is unrequited, Charles," continued Darcy as calmly as possible. "Yours is not. I know that I was wrong in my deception. Miss Bennet had been in London at the same time that we were. She had corresponded with your sisters and even visited the house once. Though I knew of this, at the time my abominable pride prevented me from telling you, acknowledging that I had been wrong in my assumptions of Miss Bennet's feelings."
Unable to bear it any longer, Darcy exited the house, Bingley following.
"You tell me now, that she was in London, all those months, and you concealed it from me?" demanded Bingley as he trailed behind Darcy down the steps.
"Yes. I can offer no justification. It was an arrogant presumption based on a failure to recognize your true feelings... and Miss Bennet's." They stood, facing each other beside the carriage. "I should never have interfered. It was very wrong of me, Bingley, and I apologize."
"You admit that you were in the wrong?" asked Bingley astonished.
"Utterly and completely."
"Then I have your blessing?"
It was Darcy's turn to be astonished. Hat Bingley would still turn to him for advice, after what he had confessed, was amazing.
Charles Bingley was such a good natured, warm-hearted man, and Darcy felt truly lucky to call him friend. That Bingley had forgiven him without reproach touched him deeply.
But still, Darcy felt that Bingley should learn to rely on his own judgement.
"Do you need my blessing?" responded Darcy.
Bingley smiled. "No. But I should like to know I have it all the same."
I give it to you anyway.
"Then go to it!"
With that, Darcy climbed into the carriage.
From inside, he looked at Bingley. His eyes were radiant, hopeful. But between them, was an unspoken, concerned question from Bingley, "What about you?"
Darcy smiled briefly at his friend, letting him know that he would be all right.
The carriage rolled down the driveway, out of Netherfield, and out of Herfordshire, on the way to London with its single, lonely occupant.
Chapter 48 ~ Loneliness
Darcy peered out the carriage window, wondering if he could see his friend. His wish was immediately granted - he saw Bingley tearing across the fields as fast as his horse could take him in the direction of Longbourn.
I do think it's rather early for visiting - oh, never mind, thought Darcy. Bingley deserved happiness quickly after all he had been through.
Though I would not be surprised if he arrives before the ladies have even dressed.
He smiled a little at the thought, then shook his head ruefully at himself when he realized he was imagining what Elizabeth looked like early in the morning.
Fantasies are all I will ever have of that.
The road to London was not particularly long and the carriage was travelling smoothly - so smoothly, that it soon sent its occupant into troubled slumber.
It was late evening when he finally arrived at his London townhouse. The servants greeted him with surprise, for he had sent no notice of his coming. They did not disturb him, for which he was grateful. He was in no mood for anything more complicated than bed.
Darcy had a quiet meal by himself. The house was eerily quiet, save for the subdued activity of the servants. He found himself longing for company - Georgiana, Bingley, Colonel Fitzwilliam, and Elizabeth . . .
Especially Elizabeth.
The revelation that Elizabeth held a great affection for his cousin had hurt him more than he cared to admit. He had hoped that, despite everything, that Elizabeth had come to love him.
The idea that she would be in love with another had never entered his mind. And for it to be his cousin, of all people! His good-natured, amusing, gentlemanly cousin.
Sorrow, depression and jealousy in equal parts filled him.
I wonder if he knows, thought Darcy. If Fitzwilliam knows how lucky he is, that he has Elizabeth's heart.
After all he had suffered, all the soul-searching and self-doubt and change he had undergone - for no other reason than to have Elizabeth's good opinion - this was reward?
No. Don't think in terms of rewards and gains. She has made you a better person - is that not enough?
Yes. No - no.
Darcy wished he could talk to someone, someone whom he could trust and was sensible enough to help steer him through his problems. But Georgiana was at Pemberley, Bingley was probably even now proposing to Jane, Colonel Fitzwilliam - he did not know if he could see his cousin without forcing himself not to do something harmful to him.
I still love her. I always will, even if she does not return my love.
He glanced around the house, before ascending the stairs to his chambers. Beautifully appointed, luxurious - yet empty and cold.
He was very lonely.
Chapter 49 ~ Two Letters
The foils touched then quickly sprang away again, singing. Baines nodded approvingly at his opponent, who half smiled.
"Very good, sir," said the fencing master. "You have improved much these last few months."
"I thank you for the compliment," replied Darcy. "I have had much to think about."
"It has done you good, there is less anger in you."
"I'm glad to hear it."
Darcy left the place soon after, but was in no hurry to go home. Home at the moment was empty and cold. So he decided to walk to his house instead. It was not far, and the day was fine.
He wondered how Bingley was going with his courtship of Jane. Had he been successful? He sincerely hoped so - his friend deserved some happiness after all that had happened.
But if, whenBingley became engaged to Jane, then Darcy would see more of Elizabeth. He did not mind that, but it would hurt, to see her. Not that he was going to start avoiding her, of course not, but still . . .
He realized that he was being, quite frankly, a coward. He ran away from those who had, or could cause hurt. First he had left Netherfield immediately after confessing to Bingley, afraid of Bingley's reaction.
And leaving Hertfordshire meant leaving Elizabeth, afraid of what would happen. He loved her, so much it sometimes frightened him, but he couldn't forget that where the heart was, there the most danger lay.
An emotional wound was deeper and more painful than any wound to the flesh.
They were also much harder to heal.
Could he bear it if she broke his heart again?
There were two letters waiting from at home, one forwarded from Netherfield. Darcy sat down at his desk and opened the first. It was from Georgiana, written nearly a week ago.
My dear brother,Darcy reread the letter several times going through a series of emotions. He was happy that Georgiana was well, though as he read the first paragraph he realized that his sister was restless and would soon need to 'come out' into society.I write to you in good spirits, and I hope this letter finds you and Mr. Bingley the same. It is very peaceful here though sometimes I long for something of interest to occur to relieve the monotony. But such thoughts are rare - Mrs. Annesley is a patient and good teacher and companion and I have everything I wish for save your company.
Miss Bingley and Mr. and Mrs. Hurst left some days ago for Scarborough. I was quite surprised during the days between your departure and theirs. Miss Bingley had been unusually quiet and thoughtful. We talked much and I confess I like Miss Bingley very much now. When she was overly attentive to you or spiteful I almost disliked her but at the present, oh, you would not believe she is the same person. I sincerely hope she finds happiness in marriage - I understand she has let go of you.
Cousin Richard has also written to us. He says he is on leave again, this time for several weeks, and is in London at present. I have told him that you have gone to Hertfordshire with Mr. Bingley - I have yet to receive a reply since then, though I believe you also shall be receiving a letter from him in the near future.
I almost fear to ask but I shall, otherwise I will die of curiosity - have you met Miss Bennet again? I confess I shall be, as Aunt Catherine so eloquently says, 'most exceedingly displeased' if you have not. Please convey my regards to her when you see her - I will never tire of saying just how much I like her.
Yours, Georgiana.
Miss Bingley's turnabout was somewhat of a surprise and relief. He had not intended to hurt Miss Bingley but neither did he want to have the lady behaving as she did to him. Perhaps this change was for the better, and Miss Bingley would be a more agreeable person.
When he was informed that Colonel Fitzwilliam was in London, he was apprehensive. He was not sure if he wished to see his cousin, knowing what he knew about Elizabeth, but he longed for the Colonel's company. He was someone to talk to, someone to make him see things clearly.
I will cross that hurdle when I come to it.
As for the last paragraph - well. Yes, he had met Elizabeth, but had taken little joy in the occasion. Darcy was at the moment in no hurry to rush back to Hertforshire after two days, however much he wanted to.
He reached for the second letter and stopped as he saw the seal on it - Lord Fitzwilliam the Earl of Matlock.
Darcy took a deep breath and opened it. It had been written that very morning.
Dear cousin,The opening of the letter brought a smile to Darcy's face. No doubt his cousin was still worried about his emotional state.This letter had better find you well, or I shall be, as Aunt Catherine says, 'most exceedingly displeased.' If this is not true, I shall come right over following this letter and demand that you cheer up. But circumstances being as they are, I demand to know what you are doing in London instead of Hertfordshire in Miss Bennet's company.
At present, I am staying at my parent's townhouse, quite alone. Today I have some business to finish, but I am at liberty tomorrow. Perhaps I shall come and visit you? I am longing to know what happened at Pemberley - Georgiana wrote to me and said that your Miss Bennet had been there the same time as you.
Mr. and Mrs. Wickham have settled in quite comfortable in Newcastle, so General __________ tells me. I confess I read every missive from him with a sense of foreboding, wondering if the scoundrel caused any trouble. And that is another thing I wish to know - what caused you to give the man such a sum of money and send him North?
We have much to talk about cousin, and not the least is how you are faring.
Yours, etc.
Little does he know.
The letter had removed any of his reluctance to see Colonel Fitzwilliam. He quickly wrote a reply, inviting Fitzwilliam to stay at his house for the duration. If they had much to speak of, it was unnecessary that they should stay in separate houses. Darcy asked a servant to take the letter and leaned back in his chair.
It will be good to see Fitzwilliam again, he told himself. There is no need for any kind of confrontation . . .
However much he told himself this, it did not dispel his jealousy.
Chapter 50 ~ A Glimpse into One's Psyche
Colonel Fitzwilliam arrived at Darcy's townhouse just as the latter gentleman had finished his lunch. The servant announced the Colonel's presence to him and Darcy came out to the hall to observe his cousin, dressed in civilian clothing, directing the servants to bring his belongings inside. His crisp, military-like activity came to a halt when Darcy arrived, and changed to a more informal greeting.
"Darcy, how are you?" he asked, giving him a piercing look. Darcy smiled at him which somewhat alleviated his cousin's glance.
"Very well, thank you. I am glad you have come, my time here has been, so far, most monotonous."
"I am sure we can change that. Shall we go inside?"
They did, Darcy doing his best to remain casual and appear relaxed to Colonel Fitzwilliam.
Darcy was surprised when Fitzwilliam kept to lighthearted subjects for most of the afternoon, relating tales of the antics of the officers. It was not until the two were playing a game of pool that the Colonel began the subject Darcy had known to be coming for some time.
"What are you doing in London, Darcy?" he asked, while Darcy began to take his shot. "Why are you not in Hertfordshire, near Miss Bennet? I'm sure her company is much more appealing than mine."
Darcy pretended to concentrate on the ball. He hit it into the pocket, then slowly turned to his cousin, deciding to be absolutely frank and true to whatever Fitzwilliam asked.
"Bingley has decided to renew his attentions to the eldest Miss Bennet. I believed that an engagement would soon be approaching, and so I left in order to give him the privacy he undoubtedly needs for such a venture."
"Would I be wrong to assume that you had a hand in that?"
"Not quite. I confessed my deception to him the morning of my departure. He took it well - too well for my liking. I feel I deserve his resentment yet it seems that he will forgive me utterly."
Colonel Fitzwilliam stood up to take his turn. "And rightly so. You did not deceive him out of malice - you were merely mistaken. But you are avoiding telling me about Miss Elizabeth Bennet. You know perfectly well it is she I wish to talk about."
Darcy made no answer. His cousin hit the ball but did not look where it went, concentrating instead on Darcy.
"Have you seen her? Was she not at Pemberley?"
"Yes, she was."
"And? What happened? Has she forgiven you?"
Darcy sighed. "I do not know how things stand between us now. I believe that she no longer hates me, but I don't know what she thinks about me now."
"Oh? Why?"
"Conflicting matters that make me wonder what opinion she has of me now. For example, I ran into her on my grounds, after I had had a swim in the lake. What opinion do you think she would have formed of me, when I suddenly appeared less formally attired than usual and soaked to the skin?"
His cousin laughed out aloud at this and at Darcy's woeful look. "I can't imagine, though it must have been somewhat of a shock. What else?"
"Georgiana and I invited her and her aunt and uncle to dine at Pemberley the next evening. She sang for the company and . . ." He trailed off, a dreamy look on his face as he remembered the occasion. He returned to the present when he heard his cousin laughing again.
"I will not ask why you look as if you are reliving a fond memory. If that is the effect she has on you, perhaps the next time I see her I will ask her to perform for me!"
The last was said in jest, but Darcy did not share in his cousin's effusive laughs. His expression darkened and he glared at his cousin.
Fitzwilliam stopped and looked at Darcy. "Have I said anything that has offended you?"
Reminded of what he believed were Elizabeth's feelings for Fitzwilliam, Darcy became caught between jealousy and guilt at harboring such feelings for his cousin. The anger in his face drained away to be replaced by a look of despair and resignation.
Frowning, the Colonel asked what was the matter. When Darcy did not answer, Fitzwilliam replied, "You cannot hide from me, Darcy. Something about Miss Bennet has affected you again, I am sure. What is it? Perhaps I can help."
Darcy could not help but laugh bitterly at this. "I doubt you can help me deal with jealousy against you, Fitzwilliam."
His cousin stared incredulously at him. "What on earth do you mean?"
"I mean that I am exceedingly jealous that you are the man to have secured Miss Elizabeth's affections."
Fitzwilliam stared at his cousin in confusion.
"Miss Bennet harbors an affection for me? Where on earth did you get that preposterous notion?"
Darcy stopped and thought. "She seemed to enjoy your company at Rosings. When I spoke to Miss Lucas she said she had been hoping for a marriage between the two of you."
"Those are not solid arguments, Darcy."
"Do you deny that you love her?" snapped he.
"Yes." The Colonel stood up and looked at Darcy straight in the eye. "Though I would have been perfectly willing to further our acquaintance, if she had wished it, it was clearly signaled to me that she had no intention of taking our relationship beyond mere friendship, and I respect that decision. We enjoyed each other's company, that is true, but your jealousy is making you create situations where there are none."
It was Darcy's turn to stare. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, you blind fool. I personally thought at first that she was in love with you, until careful observation told me otherwise, for whenever I spoke to her, all she could talk about was you." Fitzwilliam began to laugh again. "Miss Lucas hopes for too much, and is rather innocent of the ways of love. Miss Bennet and I are no more than friends. All of your suspicions are wholly unfounded and you are jumping to conclusions."
"I am?"
"Yes." His cousin returned to his seat and poured a glass of wine, the game forgotten. "You feel she could never love you and so you find reasons to prove to yourself that Miss Elizabeth Bennet has turned her attentions to others whom you see as more worthy of her love."
"Are you implying I am crushing my own self worth?" asked Darcy in disbelieving anger.
"That is precisely what I mean. You are so used to feeling sorry for yourself that I think you are creating reasons to prolong your own torture."
"Why on earth would I want to do that?" demanded Darcy.
"You hurt yourself because you feel you deserve it. Before, your pride made you believe that whatever you were always in the right, but now it is the opposite. You feel you deserve punishment for hurting your friend, your love's dearest sister and Miss Bennet herself. How can I convince you that you have suffered enough? Why must you hurt yourself?"
Darcy looked at Fitzwilliam, amazed at his cousin's insight.
Can this be true? Were my suspicions entirely of my own making?
He thought carefully about when and why he had believed that Elizabeth was in love with his cousin. Now that he really thought about it, he had jumped to conclusions.
A profound feeling of relief swept over him. He would not have to compete with his cousin for Elizabeth's affections. But it did not automatically mean that he had Elizabeth's love, which was what he desperately longed for.
"Where is your resolve, man? Do you find it so hard to believe that Miss Bennet could love you?" asked Fitzwilliam. Darcy slowly shook his head.
"I will agree that I am creating fantastical ideas of my own imagination, but I cannot agree with you that Miss Bennet loves me. I find that an impossibility."
Fitzwilliam sighed and said, "Believe what you will. I have not seen Miss Bennet since Rosings so I would not presume to know her feelings at this point. But, I know yours and mine. There is nothing for you to worry about; understand that there is nothing between me and your Miss Bennet."
Darcy smiled sadly. "She is not my Miss Bennet."
Chapter 51 ~ News of an Engagement
The two cousins were quietly eating breakfast when the mail came. Darcy looked at the one letter that boasted a very familiar seal. He immediately took the letter with an expression of thanks to the butler and opened it.
"Who is that from?" asked Colonel Fitzwilliam curiously.
"Bingley. I am predicting it holds the news that I have been hoping for some time," replied Darcy, his eyes devouring the rather short missive. Working his way through the blots and half-illegible writing, Darcy read it aloud.
My dear friend,
Wonderful news indeed! My beloved Jane has consented to be my wife. We have been engaged for several days and I beg for your forgiveness in being so lax in writing to you with this news. I have been too happy to write.
I could not be more content. I visit the Bennet family everyday and on the rare occasion when I cannot spend time with Jane I speak to my sister-to-be, Elizabeth. Mrs. Bennet is ecstatic with joy and Mr. Bennet shares her happiness, though perhaps less vocally.
My own happiness will be complete when you come back to Netherfield. The wedding is to take place in December and I sincerely hope you will stand up for me as groomsman.
There is one thing I am at a loss at, though. How shall I break the news to my sisters? You cannot imagine how many letters I have begun to write to them and discarded. I know they will not approve of my engagement but whatever their feelings, I will not give up Jane. Caroline and Louisa will have to bite their tongues and accept my dearest Jane as their sister.
I must conclude, for I now leave for Longbourn.
Yours, etc.
"That is wonderful news indeed!" exclaimed Colonel Fitzwilliam. "From what I have heard, I believe Bingley and Miss Bennet will be a fine example of matrimony."
"You are not far wrong in your estimation," replied Darcy, putting down the letter. "There couldn't be another woman in the world so perfect for Bingley. She is of a sweet disposition and as beautiful as an angel."
"Though I am sure the sister is, to you, a goddess," laughed Fitzwilliam.
Darcy smiled but did not protest at his cousin's words. He stood up to leave, but his cousin stopped him. His usually jovial face was serious.
"I think I must confess something to you, Darcy," said he.
Darcy sat down again. "What is it?"
Richard Fitzwilliam sighed and looked away. "I have just realised, that perhaps what we spoke of last night was not entirely your fault."
Darcy frowned, not understanding. The Colonel continued.
"Seeing you felt a great affection for Miss Bennet, perhaps I was purposely attentive to her. I will admit that I enjoyed your envy - it is rare indeed when I find myself at an advantage over you but I would never continue with such an activity if I knew I was causing you pain. I was not sure just how strong your feelings were at that point and so I perhaps prolonged my attentions to Miss Bennet for too long."
At Darcy's look, Fitzwilliam said, "I apologise, Darcy. It was very wrong of me to play with your emotions in such a base manner. Will you forgive me?"
Darcy stared at his cousin for some time. He willed himself to be angry with his cousin, but the anger did not come. Instead, he smiled. "I do. But do it again and I will punish you," he said in mock-severity.
Fitzwilliam smiled with relief and extended his hand. Darcy shook it then rose to leave. "I hold no crime against you. We are but fallible mortals and Miss Bennet is the most attractive woman in the world. But, now I must leave."
"Where are you going?"
"Business, and I am going to visit some acquaintances of mine."
"Who, pray, are they?"
"Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, of Gracechurch Street. They are the aunt and uncle of Miss Bennet."
His carriage traveled at a sedate pace that allowed Darcy plenty of time to think.
Colonel Fitzwilliam's confession had startled him. Darcy had not been completely wrong in his suspicions of his cousin's attachment to Elizabeth. His observations had been, in a way, correct.
He began to worry again about his cousin and Elizabeth, but then smiled and shook his head at himself.
Can I not trust the word of my own cousin? Fitzwilliam will never intentionally act in such a way that would cause me hurt. He knows how I feel about Elizabeth.
But still, he had not been wholly in error regarding the Colonel and Elizabeth. The fact that he had been correct in a way increased his confidence in himself and his judgements.
He was beginning to trust himself again.
By now, the carriage had arrived at the Gardiner's house. Darcy exited and ascended the steps and knocked on the door. The servant opened it and her surprise was evident on her face. Darcy asked the girl to announce him and waited in the hall whilst she did so.
Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner were likewise surprised by their visitor, but greeted him warmly.
"Mr. Darcy, this is an unexpected pleasure. How do you do?" asked Mr. Gardiner shaking his hand.
"Very well and you, Mrs. Gardiner?" asked Darcy.
"I am very well, thank you," said she.
Behind her, Darcy could see her four children. Alice and Kate bobbed a curtsey while William and Robert bowed. He greeted each child in turn.
"Play quietly, dears," said Mr. Gardiner to them. He motioned for Darcy to be seated and he and his wife sat opposite.
"What brings you here?" asked Mrs. Gardiner.
Darcy looked around the room. He noticed that William was seated in the corner, building another tower out of blocks. From what he could see, it seemed to Darcy that the child had progressed far in his architecture for the tower was more complex, yet very stable.
"I have been in London for a few days. I have business to attend to, but I thought that I would come by and visit first," he replied, attention back on the conversation. "I have just received word that my friend, Mr. Bingley is engaged to your niece, Jane Bennet."
"Ah yes," smiled Mr. Gardiner. "Jane and my sister wrote to me as soon as the event occurred. Mr. Bingley, from our brief acquaintance last summer, is a good young man and he will make Jane very happy indeed."
"And I believe Miss Bennet will make Bingley very happy. I could not imagine a better match for my friend."
"It has been a long time in coming," said Mrs. Gardiner. "When you left Netherfield last winter Jane was quite desolate, but all is now right."
Darcy felt a pang of guilt at this reminder of his part in deceiving Bingley but it was soon gone. As Mrs. Gardiner said, all was now right.
"Will you be coming for the wedding,, Mr. Darcy?" asked Mr. Gardiner.
"Yes, I shall. The ceremony is in December I believe Bingley said."
Mr. Gardiner nodded. "Quite right. My sister is already making plans for Jane's gown and her letter was full of joy that she had a second daughter married."
"Think of her joy when Lizzy, Mary and Kitty marry," said Mrs. Gardiner.
"Imagine the pride and joy Fanny will express on the day her last daughter marries," laughed Mr. Gardiner.
"Well deserved pride, I may say," said Darcy.
"It will be. But for now, that is in the future, though not too distant I hope. What of yourself, Mr. Darcy? How does your sister do?"
"She is at Pemberley for the present with Mrs. Annesley. You must come to my estate again, sir. I would be happy to have your family there." Darcy smiled at his cryptic statement.
"We would be delighted if circumstance were to bring us to Pemberley again in the near future," said Mrs. Gardiner with an underlying meaning Darcy did not miss.
It pleased him to know that Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner approved of a marriage between him and Elizabeth. Though Elizabeth's blood parents might dislike him, her spiritual parents did not.
But she is not my wife, nor is she likely to become my wife, however dearly I long for such a thing to be.
They soon talked of other things, but Darcy's visit did not last for long after that.
"I must leave now, but I hope to have the pleasure of your company again soon," said Darcy, shaking hands with Mr. Gardiner.
"Would you like come for dinner sometime?" asked Mrs. Gardiner.
Darcy smiled. It was a very pleasing idea.
"I would be happy to."
"Does the day after tomorrow suit you?"
"Yes, it does."
Chapter 52 ~ Prayer
It was Sunday, and as was the norm, Darcy and Fitzwilliam attended church.
"So you are to dine at their house tomorrow?" asked the Colonel as they took their seats.
"Yes, I am. Surely you can do without my company for one evening," said Darcy.
The service began. As he bent his head in prayer, Darcy found his thoughts wandering, a very unusual occupation for him to do during church. His thoughts were, as usual, centered on Elizabeth.
The news of Bingley's engagement to Jane, though it gave him joy, also depressed him. His friend had found someone to share his life with, while he remained alone.
He glanced across the aisle where a young couple shared a hymnbook, holding hands. He looked back to his own page, listening to his cousin's voice but not singing himself.
How Darcy wished Elizabeth was there with him, a wife who was not just as a lover but also as a friend, companion, counselor, and a partner who would share all aspects of his life.
He sighed. The action caught the attention of the Colonel who looked at him curiously. Darcy gave him a reassuring smile and turned his attention back to the service.
"If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
"Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.
(1 Corinthians 13)
"This is the word of the Lord. Amen."
Darcy listened to the words with his heart and mind. He felt revived and at peace.
Chapter 53 ~ Elizabeth
It was Monday evening and Darcy paused for a few moments before knocking on the door of the Gardiner's house in Gracechurch Street He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and smiled as the face of Elizabeth floated before him.
The pleasure of this evening would be complete if she was also here, he thought wistfully.
His smile broadened in amusement at himself, then he made his presence known.
The servant opened the door and seeing who the visitor was, immediately let him in. The Gardiner family soon followed and greeted him warmly, and the adults were soon pleasantly engaged in conversation, while the four children were aptly occupied in their games.
"And how are you today, Mr. Darcy?" asked Mrs. Gardiner. "I hope your business is not too taxing."
"Indeed, it is quite the opposite," he replied. "Merely a few short visits to my attorney and banker and then I am quite finished."
"Then why on earth did you come to London for so long?" inquired Mr. Gardiner. "Unless your stay here is also one of leisure as well as business."
"My cousin, Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam is also in town and so my visit is extended to spend time in his company before he is called away again," said Darcy. It was mostly true though he decided to leave out the rest involving Bingley. "If I were to take a sojourn away from my affairs I would go to Derbyshire. I find it much more pleasant and restful than London, which, after a while, seems to me most confining."
"I will not wholly disagree with that assessment," said Mr. Gardiner. "Thankfully, my family is able to travel to Hertfordshire relatively frequently and now and then we can go on longer trips, such as our latest journey with Elizabeth to Derbyshire where had the pleasure of making your acquaintance."
"I would be delighted if you would to come again."
"Perhaps, when circumstance allows," replied Mrs. Gardiner. "I cannot think of a more perfect place to visit - or live, for that matter, than your beautiful estate."
Darcy smiled at the compliment and thanked her quite modestly.
"Why so humble, sir?" she said teasingly. "I speak nothing but the truth. Pemberley is a wonderful place, and Mr. Gardiner and Lizzy are of my opinion. Why, she declared she would be happy to spend her whole life in Derbyshire!"
It pleased him greatly to know that his love felt a deep emotion for his home. A pity it was not her home as well as his, for the addition of Elizabeth to Derbyshire, or, more specifically, Pemberley, would have completed the happiness he already felt whenever he was home.
"I am glad she approves of it, for her approval is given so rarely that it is well worth earning."
"Why do you say that?" asked Mr. Gardiner.
Darcy blushed, then tried to explain. "I merely meant that she takes pride in her intelligence, which she deserves to do, and can be perhaps more critical of places and people than her elder sister."
"Ah," said Mr. Gardiner. "It is true that Lizzy has a quickness of mind, but sometimes she can be too hasty in her judgements of people. She takes pride in her intelligence, and so will sometimes be over-confident in her assumptions. But," added Mr. Gardiner, "she is not so proud as to not admit to her mistakes. She will forgive, and forget any past conflict."
"Yes, once she has made a decision about someone, it can be quite difficult to convince her otherwise," said Mrs. Gardiner. "I remember during our visit to Longbourn in Christmas, speaking to Elizabeth about Mr. Wickham. At that point in time, her resolutions concerning Mr. Wickham and yourself, Mr. Darcy, seemed fixed in stone but when confronted with her error, she was quick to change her opinion.
"Though she may make fun of other's absurdities, Elizabeth is deeply serious about the power people can hold over others. She believes those is power are in positions requiring much responsibility, and if they abuse that position, they are undeserving of the privileges they hold, and happiness. In the matter of love, she may not give her heart easily, but once she does, she has a great capacity for affection."
"Yes, I remember last year she walked all of three miles to Netherfield to visit her sister who was ill," said Darcy.
"Ah, yes her spirit will never be restrained," said Mr. Gardiner. "Her liveliness and wit enchant the hearts of many men - whether she returns their affections is another question entirely. Jane may be as sweet as an angel, but Lizzy has a fiery spirit that sets her aside from many of today's young ladies."
Darcy listened to all of this enraptured. He thought about it all through the dinner, which was announced soon after.
Elizabeth was certainly one of those 'intricate' characters they had spoken of long ago, but the intricacies were gradually becoming understandable to him.
Where do we stand with each other now he wondered.
He spoke again with Mr. Gardiner in the gentleman's study.
"I thank you for the loan of this," said Darcy, handing Mr. Gardiner the book he had borrowed.
"You are very welcome," replied Mr. Gardiner, placing it back on the shelf. "Did you enjoy it?"
Darcy acknowledged that he did.
"Then you and my niece have much in common for she also enjoyed it immensely."
Unsure how to answer this, Darcy replied, "I thank you, sir."
Perhaps sensing his discomfort, Mr. Gardiner changed the subject and they spoke a great deal about fishing and books. At length, however, the hour grew late and Darcy took his leave of them.
As he left the study, Mr. Gardiner said, "Mr. Darcy, I hope that you will not think me too forward if I tell you a saying I had heard once."
Curious, Darcy asked what it was.
" 'A difficult courtship, leads to a strong marriage.' "
At these words, Darcy smiled.
"I thank you sir. It was most welcome."
Mrs. Gardiner also came to bid him farewell.
"A pleasure, as always, Mr. Darcy."
"Likewise, Mrs. Gardiner. I hope we shall meet again very soon."
"We shall see you at the wedding of Mr. Bingley and Jane?" asked Mr. Gardiner.
"Of course!" said Darcy smiling. "I would not miss it for the world."
With more farewells, he left them, noting on his departure a tower of blocks hidden in one corner. Despite a doll leaning rather heavily against it, it did not topple.
He pondered over what he had learnt on this very enlightening visit to the Gardiners.
There was something else, he realized.
I have power over so many, but only she has power over me.
Darcy smiled.
I wouldn't want it any other way.
Chapter 54 ~ One Last Doubt
Perhaps the Colonel could read his mind, or maybe it was his posture at the window that alerted his cousin to his unease. Either way, something betrayed Darcy's troubled thoughts to his cousin, who was quick to ask him about it.
"What is on your mind at present? Did you not enjoy yesterday evening's dinner with Miss Bennet's aunt and uncle?"
Darcy turned away from his mindless observation of the outside world.
"Perceptive as always, Fitzwilliam," he replied. "I enjoyed my visit very much. It is not that which is troubling me, though."
"Then what is?"
Darcy sighed and sat down. "I am confused," he admitted. "I know that it is impossible that Miss Bennet would love me, but her aunt and uncle seem to be in favour of me marrying her."
"How on earth do they know? You have been quite secretive over your feelings with myself and Georgiana, I find it impossible that you would confide in two relative strangers."
"Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner are very perceptive gentlefolk. I am not surprised they have noticed my affection."
Colonel Fitzwilliam thought. "Perhaps you should take their encouragement as a good sign. I am sure they would be aware of Miss Elizabeth's feelings for you."
"I wish I could," said Darcy. "But it was only vaguely implied, there was no actual proof."
"Darcy, are you sure you want to propose to Miss Elizabeth Bennet again?" asked the Colonel seriously.
"Why do you ask that?"
"I am not being pessimistic, but what if she were to refuse you a second time? Dealing with your broken heart during those months after Kent was bad enough - I fear to imagine what would happen were you to again be disappointed."
"Do you believe that she holds no regard for me still?"
"I do not believe anything about the matter at present, for I have no information, save what happened at Kent and afterwards. I am being realistic. There are other concerns, though. Is not Mr. Wickham married to Miss Elizabeth's younger sister?"
"Yes . . ." said Darcy cautiously.
"Are you willing to connect yourself with him?"
Darcy pondered this. He had never thought about it before.
Wickham was perhaps the one being in the world that Darcy hated. He had never had such strong feelings to anyone, except for Elizabeth and she was at the very opposite end of his emotional spectrum.
He realised that if he were to marry Elizabeth, Wickham would be related to him in the closest manner possible, as his brother-in-law. The connection Darcy had narrowly avoided two summers ago would occur.
Could he overlook it, were he to marry Elizabeth?
Why should I care about that? he asked himself. As children, we were already brothers in everything but name and blood. As adults, I may not like it, but do not have to have anything to do with him.
If I were to marry Elizabeth, Wickham may become my brother-in-law - But I would have Elizabeth by my side. That is all that matters.
"Yes, I can. Do you object?"
"Not at all. If you love her, then I am perfectly satisfied. But tell me truthfully, are you seriously considering giving her a second proposal of marriage?"
Darcy sighed. "I do not know. I - " He stopped, at loss for words.
"You are still in love with her."
"Yes. She dominates my every thought, every waking moment. It is quite ironic, actually," said Darcy, smiling in slight amusement, but it was brief. "The only woman I can imagine myself marrying is the only one I can never have."
His cousin looked at him in sympathy and wonder.
"I will never cease to be amazed at the change Miss Bennet has woven over you. Before, it would be an unheard event for you to open yourself and speak of your deepest feelings to even your closest relatives. You would never swallow your pride admit to your faults and mistakes, nor would you let anybody else take the burden of responsibility from you."
Colonel Fitzwilliam smiled. "I sincerely hope that this change will not go unrewarded. I fervently wish to see you happy."
Darcy shook his head. "But I have no knowledge of her feelings for me. They have altered so drastically during our acquaintance. If I knew that she loved me, then I would race to Hertfordshire at once. If I knew that she loved me, for myself then I would have no qualms at all to proposing a second time."
He stood up and went to stare out of the window again.
"But I do not know. I wish I did. It would save me many sleepless nights."
Chapter 55 ~ Duty and Desire
It was a peaceful evening in London. Colonel Fitzwilliam had gone to dine with some of his friends and so Darcy was alone in the library reading. But the tranquility was broken by the sound of a carriage pulling up in front of his townhouse.
With a sigh, Darcy put the book to one side and went to the drawing room to meet this unexpected visitor.
The servant came in and announced, "Lady Catherine de Bourgh, sir."
Darcy barely had time to cover his surprise when his aunt sailed into the room behind the servant. Her expression was dark and grim which immediately put Darcy on his guard. The servant left, shutting the door behind him.
He knew very well that his aunt rarely came to town, preferring to remain at Rosings. Whatever had drawn her away to London at this time of the year was certainly something of great importance.
"Lady Catherine, this is an unexpected pleasure - "
"We can dispense with the pleasantries, nephew," she said sharply, cutting him off. "I am here to save you, perhaps from yourself."
Darcy remained silent, his puzzlement increasing by the minute. Without waiting for an offer, Lady Catherine sat down, indicating that Darcy join her. He did, keeping his features composed while his thoughts turned over, trying to find a reason for her visit and her brusque manner.
What the devil is going on?
"What are your duties?" asked Lady Catherine.
"I beg your pardon?" replied Darcy, caught off-guard by this unexpected question.
"What are your duties, where do they lie?" she said impatiently.
Darcy became even more confused at the direction the conversation was taking. He tried to form an appropriate, yet honest, answer.
Lady Catherine continued when Darcy did not speak. "What do you think is important? The obligation you owe to our family, our family's honour? Or do you intend to put your own interests first?"
"What do you mean, what are you speaking of?" asked Darcy
"I am referring to what I sincerely hope is a malicious rumour, about your supposed, forthcoming engagement to Miss Elizabeth Bennet."
Darcy's shock was immense, yet he kept it hidden.
"I know it must be a most scandalous falsehood, industrially circulated by the Bennets themselves; but every tale has some foundation. Do you have any affection for her?" she demanded.
He was at a loss as to how to respond. There was no way he would reply honestly, yet it went against his principles to lie.
Carefully, he said, "She is an acquaintance of mine."
This did not satisfy the lady.
"But do you have any feelings for her beyond mere friendship?" she pressed.
She has no right to pry in such a manner into my own business!
"Whatever I feel for Miss Bennet, it is no concern of yours!" he shot back.
"It is a concern of mine," replied Lady Catherine, voice rising. "As your aunt and future mother-in-law, I have a right to know!"
Darcy sighed inwardly. For several years now, ever since he had come of age, Lady Catherine had kept pressuring him to marry her daughter, and for several years, Darcy had avoided confronting his aunt over the fact that he did not want to marry Miss Anne de Bourgh. It seemed the time had finally come.
Lady Catherine ranted on. "You are to be engaged to Anne - I must make certain that nothing and no-one comes interferes with your union!"
"With all due respect, madam, I have no intention of marrying Anne."
This calm statement caused Lady Catherine to fall silent in shock. Darcy dryly imagined that she had perhaps never even entertained the fact that he did not want to marry her daughter, heiress of Rosings Park.
Finally she demanded, "And why not?"
"Because I do not love her."
"Love?" spat she. "What does love have to do with it? It is the future of Rosings and Pemberley that I am concerned about!"
"I refuse to marry any woman without love," replied Darcy, controlling his temper.
"If not Anne, then whom? Miss Eliza Bennet?"
Why does she keep talking about Elizabeth? thought Darcy.
"Whoever my choice of wife may be, it is just that - my choice."
Aghast at what she was hearing, Lady Catherine said, "Have you forgotten so soon what obligations you hold to Anne, me - your mother?"
"My mother was a woman who not only wanted me to honour my family but also remain true to my heart."
"You cannot have both - you must choose between our family's honour and what you desire. You have only one choice, and honour and decorum demand that you follow your family's wishes!"
"What if it is possible; what if I could somehow remain true to both my duty and desire?"
"That is the talk of dreamers - believe me when I speak of this."
She turned away from him, a ghostly expression of old pain and sorrow flitting across her hard features. But it was brief, she quickly regained control and said, "Darcy, I forbid you to disgrace yourself with an engagement to her! Promise me you will never act in such an impetuous, irresponsible manner!"
"I will make no promise of the kind," he replied defiantly.
"I am sorry to see that her influence has already gained a hold on you. That obstinate girl said exactly those words to me."
Darcy stared at his aunt. Lady Catherine had spoken to Elizabeth?
"When did she speak to you?" he urgently asked.
"I saw her this morning when I traveled to Hertfordshire to inform her that I speak for your entire family when I say that I do not approve of a marriage between you and her."
Aunt Catherine went to Hertfordshire? She spoke to Elizabeth? His imagination conjured all sorts of possibilities of what they had spoken of, and how Lady Catherine had treated Elizabeth.
"What exactly did you say to her?" said he.
"I found her quite unreasonable. She would not give me any straight answers. She was impertinent and abominably rude. Finally, after much pressing, she finally revealed that you were not engaged." Lady Catherine moved closer to him, her voice taking on a pleading note. "I appeal to you to forget her, resist her seductive arts and remember your duty, your honour, you family."
Darcy sat stunned at his aunt's words. His shocked silence seemed to persuade Lady Catherine that he was coming to his senses. She pressed her advantage, saying condescendingly, "Besides, there is one other thing, nephew."
"And what is that?" he asked suspiciously.
"I am afraid that the object of your infatuation does not even return your imagined affections."
A sinking feeling began in his heart, though he affected bravado when he said, "And how do you know this?"
"One thing she said to me during our conversation, was, 'the wife of Mr. Darcy would have such extraordinary sources of happiness attached to her situation, that she could, upon the whole, have no cause to repine.' " At Darcy's stunned look, she continued, "I am sorry nephew, but she has eyes only for your fortune. She refused not to enter into an engagement with you - obviously she is determined to have you."
Disbelief froze his mind. Her happiness? The wife of Mr. Darcy?
"She - she refused to promise you this?"
"Yes. Can you now see that hers is of a mercenary nature? I told her that if she were sensible of her own good, she would not wish to quit the sphere in which she had been brought up. Do you know what the impudent girl said? 'He is a gentleman; I am a gentleman's daughter - so far we are equal.' She has the audacity to compare her wretched family to ours!"
The stunned expression on his face did not disappear. The words that Lady Catherine had quoted as being those said by Elizabeth echoed in his mind.
He is a gentleman...
Lady Catherine smiled. "I am sorry to have to impart such news to you; but I hope I have opened your eyes to Miss Elizabeth Bennet's true feelings."
His mind finally began to work again. Everything Lady Catherine had told him began to form a logical thought, an idea ..and a spark of hope.
He smiled. "Yes, you have. I thank you."
Lady Catherine breathed an audible sigh of relief. "I am glad to see that you have come to your senses," she said, rising from her seat. Darcy rose also and escorted her to the hall. Outside, her magnificent carriage awaited her. He could see Anne inside, looking rather miserable and tired.
Lady Catherine turned to him once more. "Duty and desire cannot be united. You can only choose one. Family and honour always come first." She descended the steps and Darcy handed her into the carriage. She sat beside Anne, who gave him a sympathetic smile.
As the driver prepared to leave, Lady Catherine said, "Come to Rosings soon. Anne will be there."
The driver cracked his whip and the carriage lurched forward. Darcy stood for some time, watching it but not seeing it. Then, slowly he walked back into the house.
Returning to his seat in the library, he did not pick up the book again. The events of the last few minutes overwhelmed him.
Why did she not tell Lady Catherine that she had decided against me? Why did Elizabeth not admit to her that she detested me? he began, trying to put his thoughts into order. She acknowledged that fact to my face - why not to my aunt?
'Mercenary nature...' Lady Catherine obviously thinks Elizabeth is after my fortune, but I know that cannot be true. If she did lust after my money, then she would have accepted me in April.
So if not that, then what are the 'extraordinary sources of happiness' the wife of Mr. Darcy would have?
He thought about the good marriages he knew. The most obvious was that of Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner. Though they did not command the fortune Darcy did, they were content with each other.
They do not have a great fortune - what else do they have? Understanding, respect...love.
His heart began to beat a little quicker.
Is it possible?
Elizabeth's words repeated themselves over and over again.
'He is a gentleman...so far, we are equal.'
Does she now see me as a gentleman? Is it possible she feels the same as me? She refused not to enter into an engagement with me - she is leaving the possibility open, should I propose a second time.
Everything Lady Catherine had told him seemed to support this theory.
If she truly did not want me, then she would have made that promise to Lady Catherine. But she did not. And neither did I.
Did he dare hope?
Chapter 56 ~ Hopes
"Aunt Catherine came here?" asked Colonel Fitzwilliam incredulously.
Having arrived back rather late last night, Darcy had been unable to inform his cousin of his encounter with Lady Catherine until the next morning.
"Yes," replied Darcy.
"Whatever for?" asked Fitzwilliam.
Darcy took a deep breath. He himself could not believe the implications of Lady Catherine's words.
"You will find this difficult to believe, but apparently there is a rumour that I am engaged."
"Engaged?" said Fitzwilliam with a laugh. "How in God's name did such a tale come to be?"
"I would not know."
"And who, pray, are you supposed to be engaged to?"
Darcy looked at his cousin straight in the eye. "Miss Elizabeth Bennet."
Fitzwilliam stopped in his mirth. When he did not speak, Darcy continued.
"How Lady Catherine came by such I report I cannot explain. But, her reaction to this news was to travel to Hertfordshire and confront Miss Bennet over it."
"Confront Miss Bennet?" repeated Fitzwilliam, aghast.
"Yes, for she believes that the rumour was circulated by the Bennet family and possibly originated by them as well. I sincerely doubt the veracity of such a theory, for I know full well of their dislike of me. But the rumour's origin is of little consequence - it is what Lady Catherine said to me concerning Miss Bennet that is most startling."
Colonel Fitzwilliam urged him to press on with his tale.
"Lady Catherine believes I am infatuated with Miss Bennet and so tried to extract from me a promise that I would not enter into a marriage with her. Of course, I refused, but then she let fall the knowledge that Miss Bennet had also refused to give her the same promise."
The implications of this were not lost on Darcy's cousin. His eyes widened and Darcy continued.
"Our Aunt believes that Miss Bennet is a fortune hunter, but I know that is not possible, otherwise my first proposal would have been accepted. There are other points of interest as well, cousin." Darcy, unable to contain himself any longer, grew slightly more animated and crossed the room. "She quoted Elizabeth several times. One such quote was 'He is a gentleman; I am a gentleman's daughter, so far we are equal.' Can you imagine the meaning of all this, Fitzwilliam?" asked Darcy earnestly. "Do you think it is possible that Elizabeth returns my love?"
Fitzwilliam smiled as his usually taciturn cousin was transformed into the more fervent young man he had known in younger days. "Calm down, Darcy!" he said laughingly. When Darcy had seated himself in a chair opposite him, it was the Colonel's turn to speak.
"I do not know what to think now," he began. "I will not speculate about the possible truth of Aunt Catherine's report, but neither will I dismiss it. I do advise caution, though. Remember that Lady Catherine is adept at hearing only what she wants to hear."
"But if Elizabeth refused to promise her that she would never accept a proposal of marriage from me . . ." protested Darcy.
"Yes, there is that," said Fitzwilliam. "That one fact speaks volumes and implies a great deal. If Lady Catherine's information is correct, Miss Bennet is leaving the possibility of accepting a proposal from you open. I take it Lady Catherine was not pleased with Miss Bennet about that."
"No, she wasn't. She was even less pleased when I told her quite bluntly that I had no intention of marrying Anne, either."
Colonel Fitzwilliam laughed a little at that. "Oh dear. Our Aunt is not doing too well with her matchmaking. Instead of driving you towards Anne she has opened up new vistas for you and Miss Bennet."
"And for that I am eternally indebted to her." Darcy looked at his cousin pleadingly. "But what do I do now?"
Colonel Fitzwilliam shrugged. "Why do you ask me? Shouldn't you ask your heart?"
Darcy did not answer. He looked away from his cousin, at the bookshelf but did not see it.
"I am to go to Hertfordshire tomorrow," he said slowly. "Bingley is expecting me back at Netherfield in the early evening, but I suspect he will be at the Longbourn at the time of my arrival."
Colonel Fitzwilliam nodded encouragement.
"He visits the Bennet family everyday. Perhaps I should accompany Bingley and speak to her?" he asked hopefully.
"Very good. And - ?"
"I don't know. What should I say to her?"
Colonel Fitzwilliam smiled. "I'd advise you not to repeat your mistakes of April."
Darcy shook his head. "I would rather deal with Mr. Wickham than endure that experience again. What should I say to her, cousin?"
Colonel Fitzwilliam smiled. "Tell her the truth."
"I beg your pardon?"
"There is no need for flowery speeches of any sort. Be simple and speak from your heart, rather than your mind."
"And tell her what?"
"That you love her."
Darcy hung his head. "How can you make it sound so simple?"
"It isn't simple?"
"No."
"Life rarely is simple, Darcy," said Fitzwilliam solemnly. "But if you never take the risks you will never find out what happiness you can have."
Darcy looked up and smiled at his cousin. "You are not a soldier, Fitzwilliam," he said. "You are a philosopher."
"Well, here is another piece of wisdom; a difficult courtship can lead to a strong marriage."
Darcy laughed. "I have heard that from another. And you cannot get a courtship more difficult than mine."
"Then let us go, and prepare for your journey tomorrow."
Darcy left London the next morning. Colonel Fitzwilliam was to remain in Town for a few more days before also leaving again for his regiment.
He was restless, thoughts constantly in motion. Fitzwilliam noticed this but kindly refrained from commenting on it.
"Have a safe journey, Darcy," said the Colonel as Darcy prepared to ride off. "And . . . good luck."
Darcy looked at his cousin, a man who had been one of his dearest friends and supporters throughout times of trial. He was forever indebted to him, and Darcy hoped that the next time they met, he would have news of joy to relate.
"Thank you. I will give you news of what happens at the earliest opportunity."
With this, Darcy turned the horse's head out of London, and onto the road to Hertfordshire.
Chapter 57 ~ ...And Dreams
The day was crisp and cold, despite the sun shining down brightly. The autumn had turned the leaves russet and gold, and soon it would be winter. Another winter, another Christmas, another year gone, another year to come.
But perhaps this year would see a chapter of Darcy's life closed, and the beginning of another.
Perhaps.
He told himself not to hope too much. But it was difficult. Never before had the glittering dream he had cherished for so many months - nay, nearly a year - seemed so close to reality.
Darcy thought back to the first time he had traveled down this road, nearly twelve months ago, looking over Netherfield with Bingley. He had known that something was missing from his life, but knew not what it was.
He knew now. The empty part in him he had never realised before was loneliness - and the one who filled that emptiness was Elizabeth.
And, perhaps at the end of this journey, he would be completed.
Netherfield was visible through the trees now. Beyond, was Longbourn. He could not see it, but he could imagine it in his mind.
What was Elizabeth doing now? Was she with her sisters or by herself? Was she inside, perhaps singing or reading, or outside enjoying the late autumn afternoon?
Was she thinking of him?
Darcy smiled. Only a day ago he would have dismissed the thought as fanciful, but now . . .
Well. Best dwell on that later.
There was no one to greet his arrival, save the servants. Bingley was at Longbourn, in the company of his dear Jane and was unlikely to return until after dinner.
Darcy was grateful for this period of solitude before seeing his friend again. He had much to think about, and after partaking of his own meal, he went to the rather neglected library and sat down in the chair near to the burning fire.
He did not need to fear Bingley's resentment lasting from his confession ten days ago. His friend was of a most forgiving nature and for that Darcy was grateful. He idly wondered if Bingley had yet written to his sisters about his engagement - and, if he had, what were their reactions to the news?
He thought back to his Aunt Catherine's enlightening words that had given him this feeling of hope. She had been emphatically set in the opinion that duty and desire could not be united. However, Darcy thought otherwise.
Darcy did not really care what his aunt thought, if . . . when . . . if he became engaged to Elizabeth. He loved her and that was enough. Marriage wasn't a game of profit and loss, but having thought about it, there were some aspects he had considered.
On a social level, yes, perhaps a marriage between him and Elizabeth might be frowned upon by some. There were many tales of people who were unable to marry the object of their affections because of the simple, yet almost holy laws of social class barriers. But Darcy knew that by marrying Elizabeth he was fulfilling the duty he owed to his family, by taking a wife of honorable family who would win the respect, admiration and even affection of all his family and acquaintances.
It wasn't only that, either. For so long he had been more concerned with the welfare of others, of his estate he hadn't realised just how much joy in life he had missed out. Yes, he had friends and family but he had very few real, close, emotional attachments. He was very closed up emotionally, and though that had diminished somewhat lately, there was still much he had to learn about enjoying life itself.
Elizabeth had such an emotional openness she had drawn him against his will. She was not afraid to declare her feelings for anyone - whether it be a fondness for Mr. Wickham or a hatred of himself, she hadn't been at all hesitant in making her feelings known. And when they did change, she was not ashamed to admit her mistakes either.
That is what he needed to learn, and Elizabeth was the one he wanted to learn it from.
His train of thought was broken by the entrance of Bingley.
"Darcy?" he heard his friend say.
"Yes, Bingley, I am here," replied Darcy, arising from his chair and shaking his friend's hand. "Congratulations, Bingley, on your engagement." He sat back down.
Bingley followed suit and smiled broadly. "Thank you, my friend. I could not be happier. Jane loves me as I do her and I must thank you for making that knowledge known to me."
"Even after I nearly destroyed your hopes?"
"Come now, man, surely you do not believe I am angry with you? You were mistaken and you have more than atoned for it. My sisters have also written to me, in reply to the missive I sent them with the news of my engagement."
"And what did they say?"
"What one would expect - they express their happiness on their sister-to-be but very little on their part in the deceit. I do not think they have to courage to confess to it."
Darcy shook his head. "I think that they are regretting it and do feel guilt. Perhaps they will confess to you, someday, and apologise. For now, I think they fear your reaction, as I did."
"They have good reason to. You, at least, were mistaken whereas Caroline and Louisa went out of their way to hurt her. Jane told me she had been under the impression that I was to marry your sister, a fact she was told by Caroline."
"I am sure they will respect Miss Bennet in the future."
"They will. I will not tolerate any sort of disrespect on their part."
The two men sat in silence for some moments as the fire began to die down.
"Are - are you to go to Longbourn again tomorrow?" asked Darcy as casually as possible.
"Yes, I am."
"Would I be able to accompany you to visit?"
Darcy glanced at Bingley to see if his friend had hazarded a guess as to his motives to joining Bingley on his daily visit. Bingley however was to happy to think about Darcy's desire for coming with him, engrossed, no doubt, in his memories of Jane.
"Of course!"
Darcy sighed with relief, then took several deep breaths to soothe his rapidly beating heart.
Tomorrow he would see Elizabeth.
Chapter 58 ~ Completion
To a casual observer, it would seem that of the two gentlemen, it was Mr. Bingley who was the most impatient to reach Longbourn, but the more observant could easily discern the restlessness of Mr. Darcy. Whilst Bingley was the first to climb onto his horse and proceed a few step down the driveway calling for his friend to quicken his pace, it was Darcy who had been waiting outside by the stable for ten minutes for Bingley to join him. This brief period of solitude, then the languid ride to Longbourn gave Darcy ample chance to dwell upon what he should say when he found himself face to face once more with Elizabeth Bennet.
He would not, of course, repeat his words of April. Those words had been from his mind, rather than his heart. He had not properly expressed that time, what he really felt for her. However on this occasion, eloquence was unnecessary; as his cousin had said, Darcy had to simply speak from his heart.
"What on earth is troubling you so, Darcy?" inquired Bingley, once he had realised Darcy had not spoken more than ten words the entire morning.
"Nothing of consequence."
Nor could Darcy open up to his friend about his hopes and dreams. What if Elizabeth refused him a second time? He would not ruin his friend's happiness with news of his own sorrow.
But if she accepted, what then?
Darcy smiled at this, then humbly shook his head. He would not let himself expect more than what would happen.
For a change, there was no face at the window watching their arrival. The Bennet family were undoubtedly now used to Mr. Bingley's visits, however they would not be expecting Mr. Darcy to come as well. The housekeeper announced the two men into the drawing room, where the ladies of the house were seated. Darcy could see Jane, her features appearing even more beautiful with the arrival of Bingley, but his attention was immediately fixed on Elizabeth.
She glanced at him apprehensively, but with no antagonism. She was not smiling, and she seemed unsettled at Darcy's presence, however, also perhaps, a little expectant of his coming?
Before Mrs. Bennet could speak, Bingley proposed their all walking out. Whether he knew about his friend's intentions or, more likely, merely wanted to be alone with Jane Darcy was grateful for his friend's suggestion. But his happiness at having a moment to speak to Elizabeth privately was diminished with Miss Catherine's acceptance as well. Nevertheless, it was still better than remaining indoors, with the presence of so many others.
Trying to quell his rapidly beating heart, Darcy fell unconsciously into place beside Elizabeth. She did not look at him, but accepted Darcy's position by her side. Her younger sister followed behind them, whilst Jane and Bingley, absorbed in each other took the lead.
The road to Meryton was not long enough to warrant the use of a carriage, but long enough to give Darcy time to collect his thoughts, forming a desperate resolution, but the presence of Miss Catherine prevented him from carrying that out.
He could not prevent himself from casting his eyes towards his fair walking companion. Her bonnet hid most of her face and the fine eyes he so admired, but Elizabeth's dark curls spilled out to the side, making Darcy wish that she would remove the confining bonnet and let her hair flow out like the wild and free spirit she was. Once he was caught the eye of the lady and he quickly removed his gaze to the road ahead.
Very little was said by either of the three parties, Jane and Bingley having now pulled far ahead of them and were now heedless of the events behind them. Darcy imagined that Miss Catherine was too afraid to speak, whilst Elizabeth was too uncomfortable. He himself could not say a word beyond a monosyllable, caught up as he was trying to form a proposal in his mind.
"Lizzy."
Darcy and Elizabeth turned to look at Miss Catherine Bennet, the thoughts of both interrupted.
"Would you mind if I just run down the lane to see Maria Lucas?" asked the girl.
Darcy's heart quickened in both excitement and apprehension. Elizabeth gave her consent and in a few moments, the gentleman and the lady were left to continue by themselves.
Much could be said at such a time and chance, but Darcy found his resolve slipping. He would ask her, once more, to be his wife, but before he could say a word, Elizabeth spoke.
"Mr. Darcy."
The gentleman addressed turned to look at Elizabeth with mild surprise. The lady continued.
"I am a very selfish creature; and, for the sake of giving relief to my own feelings, care not how I may be wounding yours. I can no longer help thanking you for your unexampled kindness to my poor sister."
Darcy stopped in bewilderment, wondering how Elizabeth had come to know about his assistance in Lydia's marriage.
"Ever since I have known it, I have been most anxious to acknowledge how gratefully I feel it. Were it known to the rest of my family, I should not have merely my own gratitude to express," said Elizabeth in a tone that was less than settled.
"I am sorry, exceedingly sorry," replied Darcy, in a tone of surprise and emotion, "that you have ever been informed of what may, in a mistaken light, have given you uneasiness. I did not think Mrs. Gardiner was so little to be trusted."
But it was more likely, Darcy realised, that it had been Lydia herself, in spite of his pleas, who had betrayed the knowledge of his help. But it did not matter now.
"You must not blame my aunt. Lydia's thoughtlessness first betrayed to me that you had been concerned in the matter; and, of course, I could not rest till I knew the particulars. Let me thank you again and again, in the name of all my family, for that generous compassion which induced you to take so much trouble, and bear so many mortification, for the sake of discovering them."
"If you will thank me," replied Darcy slowly, "let it be for yourself alone. That the wish of giving happiness to you, might add force to the other inducements which led me on, I should not attempt to deny. But your family owe me nothing. Much as I respect them, I believe I thought only of you."
He had said it, he had come too far now to stop. He heard Elizabeth gasp, in surprise, shock or relief he was unsure. Darcy turned to face her, and taking a deep breath, said,
"You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are what they were last April, tell me so at once."
Elizabeth turned to look at him, her gaze locked to his. Darcy stared deep into her fine eyes, and spoke from his heart.
"My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever."
He loved her too much to wish her to remain unhappy because of his desire. But the future would be forever dark and cold to him, were she to refuse again.
Darcy did not remove his gaze, determined to see the matter to the end.
"My feelings," said Elizabeth slowly, not looking at him, "my feelings are - I am ashamed to remember what I said then. My feelings are so different now."
Darcy held his breath, waiting for the final blow.
"In fact," said Elizabeth, beginning to smile shyly and clasping her hands behind her back, "they are . . . quite the opposite."
Dawning realisation. Disbelieving joy. Whatever the immediate emotion Darcy felt following Elizabeth's declaration of her love for him, it was overcome by such happiness he had never felt before. He looked away from her then back as he returned her smile.
They stood there for some moments, unwilling to be the first to break the gaze they bestowed on each other. Wondering at his own daring, Darcy reached out to gently take Elizabeth's hand in his own.
"I thank you," he said softly, never looking away as he raised her small hand to his lips and placed a loving kiss on it. She blushed prettily and looked at the ground.
"There is nothing more I could have wanted in life, except your love. And," said Darcy, "I am now complete."
He did not need to say more to tell her just how important she was to him. The words were simple, but spoke volumes already.
The moment could not last forever. But time mattered not anymore to Darcy. As one, they resumed their walk, without knowing in what direction, the pleasant discomfort of both giving way to conversation.
Feeling that he must apologise to Elizabeth for his aunt's behaviour, Darcy spoke first.
"Lady Catherine told me of her meeting with you. You may say that her disclosure had quite the opposite effect of the one she intended. It taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself to hope before. I knew enough of you disposition to be certain, that, had you absolutely, irrevocably decided against me, you would have acknowledged it to Lady Catherine, frankly and openly."
He felt Elizabeth laugh beside him, her hand still held in his. "Yes, you know enough of my frankness to believe me capable of that. After abusing you so abominably to your face, I could have no scruples in abusing you to all your relations."
Darcy would not let her take any of the blame for their past misunderstandings. "What did you say of me that I did not deserve?" asked he. "For, though your accusations were ill-founded, formed on mistaken premises, my behaviour to you at the time had merited the severest reproof. It was unpardonable. I cannot think of it without abhorrence."
"We will not quarrel for the greater share of the blame annexed to that evening," Elizabeth reassured him. "The conduct of neither, if strictly examined, will be irreproachable; but since then, we have both, I hope, improved in civility."
Darcy laughed a little at this. "I cannot be so easily reconciled in myself. The recollection of what I said, my conduct, my manners, my expressions during the whole of it, is now, and has been many months, inexpressibly painful to me. Your reproof, so well applied, I shall never forget: 'had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner.' Those were your words. You know not, you can scarcely conceive, how they have tortured me - though it was some time, I confess, before I was reasonable enough to allow their justice."
He thought back to the aftermath of his first proposal, how fearful he had been to his friends and family and himself. But his friends and family had understood, and he was grateful that the lesson had not been wasted.
"I was certainly very far from expecting them to make so strong an impression," replied Elizabeth. "I had not the smallest idea of their being ever felt in such a way."
"I can easily believe it. You thought me devoid of every proper feeling, I am sure you did. The turn of your countenance I shall never forget, as you said that I could not have addressed you in any possible way, that would induce you to accept me."
But the memory of that was soon fading, and in its place was the vision of her happiness, when he told her once again, that he loved her.
"Oh! do not repeat what I then said. These recollections will not do at all. I assure you, that I have long been most heartily ashamed of it."
Darcy mentioned his letter. "Did it," said he, "did it soon make you think better of me? Did you, on reading it, give any credit to its contents?"
Elizabeth proceeded to explain what its affect on her had been, and how gradually how all her former prejudices had been removed.
"I will admit that, at first, I did not believe a single word. I did not want to believe it. However, my blindness gave way to good sense and I realised how wholly I had been mistaken, in my assumptions of you, Mr. Wickham and everything thereafter."
"I knew," replied Darcy, "that what I wrote must give you pain, but it was necessary. I hope you have destroyed that letter. There was one part of it especially, the opening of it, which I should dread your having the power of reading again. I can remember some expressions which might justly make you hate me."
He winced a little as he remembered how proud and haughty his opening paragraph had been.
"The letter certainly shall be burnt, if you believe it essential to the preservation of my regard; but, though we have both reason to think my opinions not entirely unalterable, they are not, I hope, quite so easily changed as that implies," said Elizabeth with mild reproof.
"When I wrote that letter," replied Darcy, "I believed myself perfectly calm and cool, but I am since convinced that it was written in a dreadful bitterness of spirit."
"The letter, perhaps, began in bitterness, but it did not end so. The adieu is charity itself. But think no more of the letter. The feelings of the person who wrote, and the person who received it, are now so widely different from what they were then, that every unpleasant circumstance attending it ought to be forgotten. You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure."
Darcy smiled at this, the last vestiges of any guilt falling away. Yes, he would learn some of Elizabeth's philosophy.
"I cannot give you credit for any philosophy of the kind. Your retrospection must be so totally void of reproach, that the contentment arising from them is not of philosophy, but, what is much better, of innocence. But with me, it is not so. Painful recollections will intrude which cannot, which ought not, to be repelled. I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle. As a child I was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit. Unfortunately an only son (for many years an only child), I was spoilt by my parents, who, though good themselves (my father, particularly, all that was benevolent and amiable), allowed, encouraged, almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing; to care for none beyond my own family circle; to think meanly of all the rest of the world; to wish at least to think meanly of their sense and worth compared with my own. Such I was, from eight to eight and twenty; and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth! What do I not owe you! You taught me a lesson, hard indeed at first, but most advantageous. By you, I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased."
Such a long speech like he had never made before in his life. Yet it was worth it - to tell Elizabeth just how he was forever hers.
"Had you then persuaded yourself that I should?" asked Elizabeth.
"Indeed I had. What will you think of my vanity? I believed you to be wishing, expecting my addresses." He smiled ruefully at the image of the man he had been.
"My manners must have been in fault, but not intentionally, I assure you. I never meant to deceive you, but my spirits might often lead me wrong. How you must have hated me after that evening?"
"Hate you! I was angry perhaps at first, but my anger soon began to take a proper direction."
He did not mention that this anger was directed at himself.
"I am almost afraid of asking what you thought of me, when we met at Pemberley. You blamed me for coming?"
"No indeed; I felt nothing but surprise."
"Your surprise could not be greater than mine in being noticed by you. My conscience told me that I deserved no extraordinary politeness, and I confess that I did not expect to receive more than my due."
"My object then," replied Darcy, "was to show you, by every civility in my power, that I was not so mean as to resent the past; and I hoped to obtain your forgiveness, to lessen your ill opinion, by letting you see that your reproofs had been attended to. How soon any other wishes introduced themselves I can hardly tell, but I believe in about half an hour after I had seen you. My sister, Georgiana was delighted to meet, she told me many a time, the one who held such an influence over me. She was most disappointed when circumstance forced your party to interrupt your journey."
This line of conversation naturally lead to the cause of that interruption, Darcy told Elizabeth of his resolution of following her from Derbyshire in quest of her sister had been formed before he quitted the inn, and that his gravity and thoughtfulness there had arisen from no other struggles than what such a purpose must comprehend.
Elizabeth expressed her gratitude again, but it was too painful a subject to each, to be dwelt on farther.
After walking several miles in a leisurely manner, and too busy to know any thing about it, they found at last, on examining their watches, that it was time to be at home.
"What could become of Mr. Bingley and Jane!" was a wonder which introduced the discussion of their affairs. "I must ask whether you were surprised?" said Elizabeth.
"Not at all. When I went away, I felt that it would soon happen."
"That is to say, you had given your permission. I guessed as much."
Darcy exclaimed at this but upon giving the matter thought, he had, in a way, given his approval for Bingley to continue his suit. This showed just how well Elizabeth knew him. He felt no embarrassment at being so transparent - rather, content.
"On the morning of my going to London," said he, "I made a confession to him, which I believe I ought to have made long ago. I told him of all that had occurred to make my former interference in his affairs absurd and impertinent. His surprise was great. He had never had the slightest suspicion. I told him, moreover, that I believed myself mistaken in supposing, as I had done, that your sister was indifferent to him; and as I could easily perceive that his attachment to her was unabated, I felt no doubt of their happiness together."
He watched Elizabeth smile and felt a glowing happiness that he would be able to see that smile every day for the rest of his life.
"Did you speak from your own observation," said she, "when you told him that my sister loved him, or merely from my information last spring?"
"From the former. I had narrowly observed her during the two visits which I had lately made here; and I was convinced of her affection."
"And your assurance of it, I suppose, carried immediate conviction to him."
"It did. Bingley is most unaffectedly modest. His diffidence had prevented his depending on his own judgment in so anxious a case, but his reliance on mine made every thing easy. I was obliged to confess one thing, which for a time, and not unjustly, offended him. I could not allow myself to conceal that your sister had been in town three months last winter that I had known it, and purposely kept it from him. He was angry. But his anger, I am persuaded, lasted no longer than he remained in any doubt of your sister's sentiments. He has heartily forgiven me now."
Elizabeth smiled again at some joke she decided not to share with him. Perhaps it was some observation of her owns that she imagined would offend him. Darcy did not really mind. Her observations and criticisms of him would always be welcome.
In anticipating the happiness of Bingley, which of course was to be inferior only to his own, he continued the conversation till they reached the house. In the hall they parted, Darcy most reluctantly letting go of Elizabeth's hand.
They remained in contented silence in the hall for a moment before joining the others in the dining room. Darcy smiled at Elizabeth before they entered, silently agreeing to try not to let any signal of their attachment be visible to others.
"My dear Lizzy, where can you have been walking to?" was the first question Darcy heard from Jane who was seated next to Bingley. This was repeated by many in the room, but Elizabeth deftly answered their inquiries as best she could without letting any suspicions rise. Darcy watched Elizabeth blush slightly but did his best to avert his gaze.
The evening passed quietly, unmarked by anything extraordinary. The acknowledged lovers talked and laughed, the unacknowledged were silent. Darcy, being of a taciturn disposition, was not to let his happiness show itself in mirth, however, those who knew him well would notice a brightness in his eye and an easiness in his manner that indicated something more. He noticed Bingley looking at him curiously a few times during the course of the visit, but he said nothing.
The brightness and easiness increased whenever he looked at, or was near Elizabeth. One smile from her and he felt he was in Heaven.
Love is what brings happiness to all people.
"Engaged?!" exclaimed Bingley, reflexively pulling on the reins.
Darcy smiled at his friend's reaction, and laughed.
"I speak truthfully, old friend. Elizabeth has accepted my proposal and we are engaged."
Bingley's face reflected his immense surprise, then it was soon dispelled by an expression of immense delight.
"Are you not happy?" asked Darcy.
Bingley laughed heartily. "Nothing could please me more! Jane and I had entertained hopes of such a union but had deemed it impossible. I am delighted that you have proved us wrong. This is perfect!"
Darcy smiled and did not reply.
Now everything was perfect.