Beginning, Previous Section, Section V

Chapter 28 - Interlude: Summer Break

Posted on 2009-10-08

From: Cadwell, Lee (lcadwell@douglas.edu)
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
Subject: Wonderful to see you

Nora,

Here I am back home and I'm already missing you. It's almost worse getting to see you because I end up thinking about you, what you looked like, how much I wish you had agreed to spend the summer here…

It wasn't that bad, was it? Just taking a walk and talking about nothing? That's all I want! I wish you'd at least have coffee with me when we get back to campus. It would be harmless – just coffee with a friend. We could get to know each other a little better. Say yes, come on. If you say no maybe I'll just go get you coffee anyway, and we can talk in the student union.

I can be what you want, Nora. You just have to give me a chance.

Yours, whether you like it or not,

Lee

From: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
Subject: Guess what I get to hear about now?

Thanks, Nora – Lee can't stop talking about you since he got back. I get to hear about you all day long, how great you are. He thinks it must have been fate, instead of the dean's office, that made you my roommate so that he got to meet you. Etc etc etc. I'm going to smack Lee the next time he mentions your name.

Just kidding – you make my brother happy. That's all I'm saying. Be nice now.

J

PS James is here. He says hi.

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
To: Cadwell, Lee (lcadwell@douglas.edu)
Subject: RE: Wonderful to see you

Hi Lee,

Thanks again for what you're doing for my brother – my family really liked getting to meet you.

The reason I can't just have coffee with you is because it's more than coffee. I know you're seeing it as more than just coffee, so I have to see it that way too. I'm really sorry. I don't want to seem like I'm not grateful for what you did for Chris.

And I don't mind being your friend or even getting to know you better, but it's hard to be friends when you keep bringing up the other stuff.

Nora

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
To: Bayfield, James (jmbayfield@douglas.edu)
Subject: RE: Summer blues

James,

I don't want to bug you, but I'm really anxious. How did your visit go? Did you get a chance to talk to Jackie, or not? What did she say?

Thinking of you,

Nora

From: Grant, Elizabeth (egrant@douglas.edu)
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
Subject: RE: Reading more Austen

Hey girl,

What's going on? It sounds like your summer's been a little boring so far. I wish mine were, but my dad loves to plan huge family vacations. This summer we're going to Maine. Actually it's horrible of me to complain, but traveling is never easy when you have a big family. We're leaving in a week. Write to me before we go, if you can. I miss you. Taking Mansfield Park to read on the way, and thinking of you. You're going to have to convince me of what you see in Edmund.

Can't wait for August – the WWAS is going to rule campus! Secretly, of course.

Love,
Beth

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
To: Bayfield, Jessica (jkbayfield@douglas.edu)
Subject: Your summer

Hey Jessie,

How are things going for you? Did you end up getting that job teaching volleyball at the community center? That sounded like it might be cool.

It's nice to be home but I'm hoping I still get to work for Uncle Bill later on this summer. I've tried to find a job around here, but there's not much. I'm babysitting twice a week and I'm lucky to get that. Babysitting doesn't really look that good on a resumι, and the kids are kind of a pain. It's a job, though.

So James is back home now, I guess? Do you have any family trips planned or anything? I haven't heard yet how his visit to the Cadwells went. I saw Lee one day – he stopped by here.

Nora

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
To: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)
Subject: RE: Guess what I get to hear about now?

Jackie,

My whole family enjoyed meeting Lee, so that was nice.

Did you have a good time with James while he was visiting?

Nora

From: Bayfield, Jessica (jkbayfield@douglas.edu)
To:Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
Subject: RE: Your summer

Hi Nora,

Yeah, super busy here. I'm teaching volleyball and most of the kids are total BRATS... love it though. We get them running around like little wild animals till they run off their sugar highs. I get to use all the facilities for free, which is cool. I swim every day... one of the lifeguards is super HOT. Don't tell Blake I said that. Not that you'll get a chance to. God, I miss him so much. This year is going to suck. Nora I know you're not sorority material but you're going to have to come over to the house and watch movies with me or something or I'll go crazy.

Haven't talked to James much since he got back. He'll probably email you. Don't give in to Lee. He had me for a while... did I ever tell you he used the L word to me last fall? Well, probably not because I didn't tell anyone that. Yeah. I would have done ANYTHING for him, while he was flirting with Megs the whole time. I can't believe how dumb I was. He is a player and not the nice kind.

Yeah, well, hang in there girl! It's almost half way through the summer already!

Jess

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
To: Bayfield, James (jmbayfield@douglas.edu)
Subject: How are you?

James,

Are you doing ok? Just thought I'd check in, since I hadn't heard from you yet. You know, things are slow around here. I'm reading a lot. I finally finished Our Mutual Friend and I've been working on that for months. It was ok, although I actually liked the miniseries better. I know, crazy – I liked a movie better than a book. How about you? Don't keep me in suspense!

Nora

From: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
Subject: IMPORTANT

There are some nasty rumors going around. Don't believe everything you hear. Total mess here. I'll call you later.

J

PS My brother loves you – just remember that.

From: Bayfield, James (jmbayfield@douglas.edu)
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
Subject: We need to talk

Are you going to be home tonight? I have to call you. Something's come up.

James

From: Bayfield, Jessica (jkbayfield@douglas.edu)
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
Subject: RE: Your summer

Nora, I'm assuming you've heard by now. I can't believe my sister would do something so stupid and underhanded and cruel and just plain STUPID. God, Nora, I am SO SORRY. I keep hoping that maybe it's a mistake, that Lee wouldn't really do that to you. I mean, like I said, he's a player, but this is WAY beyond flirting. I don't even know what to say. My parents are completely devastated, I've never seen dad like this. It's not just the obvious, but she's also basically ruined their relationship with the Hastings and a lot of other people, and I don't know what's going to happen to her. How she's going to finish college, I don't know. Right now she's refusing to give up the baby.

Anyway, I'm rambling, I really just wanted to email and say it's a disaster area around here but I thought of you right away. You can call me if you want to just talk.

Hang in there,

Jess

From: Bayfield, Jessica (jkbayfield@douglas.edu)
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
Subject: RE: Your summer

CRAP!! crapcrapcrapcrapcrap. Oh crap. James is going to kill me. I thought you knew. Please forgive me. He's calling you right now. Maybe you haven't seen my email yet. I hope. God, I'm such an idiot. I hate myself sometimes.

Jess

Chapter 29

Posted on 2009-10-13

When the phone rang five minutes later, Nora guessed it would be James. She'd just been sitting at her laptop rereading Jess's email for the twentieth time, trying to figure out if she had missed something or if it really said what she thought it said. But though the email left some things still unclear, it was more than enough to guess at what had happened.

She sprang for the phone on the first ring. Talking to James was going to be unbelievably awkward and painful, but at least she'd be talking to him.

"Nora," he said. "Have you – did you –"

"Yes, I saw Jess's email," she said quickly.

"I don't even know where to start."

"If you don't mind, can you just tell me what happened?" she asked. "I got enough from Jess to guess most of it, but not everything."

"Are you okay?" he said, his voice cracking. "You sound okay, but maybe you're still just in shock."

It was going to be awfully annoying if everyone assumed that she was heartbroken. How could she explain that she was much more concerned for the Bayfields than for the Cadwells, even if Lee had been deceiving her? It was really no more than she expected from him.

"I'm sort of in shock, I guess, but I'll be all right," she said. "I really need to know what happened. Is Megan really –?"

"Yeah." James's voice dropped a degree. "She's pregnant. We still don't have all the details because she won't tell us, but as far as we can get out of her, she's more than two months along. She's been having morning sickness, but she kept telling Mom it was flu or food poisoning, until it had been going on for weeks and Mom insisted she needed to see a doctor. Then it all came out. Mom and Dad were pretty shocked, but of course they assumed it was Cole's. Megan didn't say anything at first. Dad was going to call the Hastings and talk to Cole, and that's when she told us Lee was the father. Nora, I'm so sorry."

"I'm okay, really. You need to stop worrying about me – it sounds like you've got plenty on your mind already."

"I can't believe he was cheating on you and we were all telling you to go for it. This is so horrible in every way. Every time I think about it I just – there's no one it doesn't affect, you above all; and you don't deserve to have this happen to you."

"James, he wasn't cheating on me. We weren't dating so he wasn't cheating. Tell me – Jess said that Megan wants to keep the baby?"

"Yes. Dad and Mom want her to give it up for adoption. They're barely over the shock themselves, but they're doing their best to figure out what would be the right thing to do. Dad sat her down and tried to talk about college, her future – she won't even talk to him. She won't consider adoption. She won't consider any other options. She won't talk about how she's going to be able to take care of it if she doesn't have a job or something – "

"Is she dropping out of college?" Nora couldn't keep the squeak out of her voice. Megan had never seemed that interested in academics, but she was an honor student. And she was a Bayfield.

"I don't know what she thinks she's going to do. Nora, she's in some kind of delusional world. None of us know how to reach her. She keeps saying she and Lee are in love and they're going to get married and live in Douglas while he finishes school. I didn't think she cared about Lee that much – I know she seemed kind of interested in him for a while, but then she and Cole started talking about marriage – Ugh, this is so horrible. How could she do this? Why? It doesn't make any sense!"

Nora was more disturbed than she had been even in the first minute of reading Jessie's email. That didn't sound like Lee, getting married at 20 and living in happy harmony while finishing college. She couldn't believe it. And if it wasn't true, then Megan was in serious trouble.

"Have you talked to –" she began and then could hardly finish. "Does Cole know?"

"I don't know," James said wearily. "Dad's trying to get Megan to say whether she's talked to Cole or not. He tried calling Lee but he couldn't get through."

"This must be awful for Aunt Elle," Nora began, thinking of her aunt in that neat shining house, surrounded by chaos and anger and hurt.

"What? Hold on –" James seemed to be talking to someone in the background. Nora heard a deep voice, and then a high one. "I almost forgot," he said after a minute. "The other thing I was supposed to ask you – is there any way you could come here? Maybe for the rest of the summer? I don't know if you can quit your babysitting job, but Dad says he'll even pay for a replacement if you can just come. Mom really needs some support right now, and Dad's going to have to be away trying to sort things out, so he could use you in the office too. Only if you want to, of course."

"I'll come right away if I can," said Nora instantly. "My job's not a big deal; I told them it might only be for part of the summer. Oh, I guess I'll have to talk to my parents, too."

"Is your mom there now? Dad says he'll talk to her, if she is."

Nora went back downstairs with the phone and put her mom on. Then she sat in a daze while her mom murmured sympathetic 'oh's and 'mmmhmm's. It was terrible for her to be happy, but she was. She was going back to the Bayfields' house – she was needed. They wanted her.

After ten minutes or so, her mom said, "Nora, Bill wants to talk to you too."

Nora didn't exactly want to talk to Uncle Bill. She couldn't think of what to say to him; but it was impossible to refuse to take the phone.

"Hi Uncle Bill," she said. "I'm really sorry. Just – about everything." To her it sounded like the most inadequate and lame thing to say ever, but he didn't seem to mind.

"Not as sorry as I am that it involves you," he replied. His voice, usually so polished and confident, was heavy and rough. "I'd say more, but we can talk in person on Friday. James is coming Thursday afternoon to pick you up, if that's acceptable to you."

"Yes, that's fine. I'll be ready."

"Not too soon for you?"

"No, it's okay, I don't have anything planned."

"Until Thursday evening then."

"Uncle Bill? – Tell Aunt Elle I'm looking forward to seeing her."

There was a pause, then he said, "Nora, you don't know how much we appreciate you." She heard the faint click as he hung up.

"Wow, it sounds like they have some crazy things going on over there," said her mom. "Abby, hon, do you want to go out shopping with mommy?"

James arrived exactly on schudule Thursday afternoon, but the minute he walked in the door Nora was struck – he looked really down. His face was creased and somehow looked thinner and his eyes – she could hardly stand to look at his eyes.

"Hi, Aunt Laurie, how are you?" he greeted Nora's mother.

She made an effort. "We were sorry to hear about your sister. That must be hard on Elle and your dad. Now, have fun, Nora. Be good for your aunt."

James half-smiled as he took Nora's suitcase out to the car. "She does realize you're nineteen, right?"

"Sometimes, I think. Are you doing all right?"

He shook his head. "I don't even know anymore. I just feel sort of numb. More stuff has come up since we talked on Tuesday. Jessie took off, and we didn't know where she was until this morning."

"What?"

"Yeah. She left sometime that night – I was kind of hard on her after she emailed you. I kind of yelled at her. Of course I feel like hitting myself now, for being so self-centered. I should have seen – but we were all under a lot of stress. She blew it off, but I think she was more upset than she seemed. Anyway, she left, and this morning she called to say she's with the Blakes and she just needed to get away."

"How could she leave without telling anyone, when you're so worried?"

"I don't know either, Nora, but at this point it's the least of our worries. Like I said, none of us is acting our best at the moment. When Dad found out she was with Blake's family and she hadn't done anything really stupid like try to run away with him or something, he just told her it was okay and to stay there until things settled down."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I know. I couldn't believe it either. He's just – almost like sleepwalking, he's so upset about Megan. I'm just letting you know so you don't walk in and ask where Jess is or anything."

"It didn't have anything to do with me, did it – her leaving? Like, because she felt bad about her email or because your mom wants me to come stay, or something?" Nora felt as she asked that she already knew the answer. It must have to do with her. And the last thing she wanted was to cause more strife in the Bayfield family.

"Maybe," admitted James. "But please don't worry about it. Maybe she really did need some time away. If you provoked it, I'm sure it was indirectly."

Nora wasn't sure. But she felt a little better when they pulled in at the house. Aunt Elle came running out to hug her before she'd even got out of the car, which was a first ever. Nora held her close, feeling her ribs through her back. Aunt Elle was getting too thin – she needed Nora to make sure she ate breakfast. Poor Aunt Elle.

As much as Nora loved being with the Bayfields, the first evening was not much of a welcome for her. Megan was shut up in her room when they arrived, but she came down almost immediately for dinner.

"Oh, you're back, James," she said, without looking at Nora. As they sat down, she still wouldn't acknowledge Nora's presence. "Pass the butter please, mom?" she asked, although the butter was sitting right in front of Nora. And when Nora picked it up Megan didn't thank her, either.

It was too sad, really, for Nora to be much offended or hurt. It was easy to guess why Megan hated her for the moment, and unfortunately she probably had good reason.

"I'm leaving tomorrow, dad," Megan said towards the end of the meal. "I can't stay here."

"You're going back to Douglas?" asked Uncle Bill gently. "Did you talk to Lee?"

Megan just looked at him. Then she got up and took her plate to the kitchen. They could all hear her bedroom door slam distantly.

Nora couldn't look at anyone around the table. Finally Uncle Bill said, "Nora, did you get enough to eat? Can I get you a second helping of potatoes?" She shook her head, afraid to speak.

The rest of the evening wasn't much better. Nora tried to read, but she could feel Megan's presence upstairs. She didn't know what to say to anyone else. They all went to bed early and Nora thought her own relief was reflected on the other faces too.

The next day was a little better – it had to improve just by Megan's absence. Aunt Elle needed to have someone to talk to, and Nora spent most of the day just helping her around the house and listening to her. Since it was Friday Uncle Bill had said she needn't start work until the next week, so there was nothing else to do. Nora didn't really mind, although Aunt Elle could be a little repetitive.

"I just don't understand, Nora. I wish Megan had talked to us when we could still do something. Maybe we could have chatted with the young man and set up a visit with his dad. Maybe we could have helped her break it off with Cole quietly. If she didn't want to be with him, we wouldn't have tried to force her."

"I know, Aunt Elle. It doesn't make any sense to me either."

"I just wish she had confided in us. If only she had talked to us. We would have supported her in anything, you know, Nora."

"Oh Aunt Elle, I know. But she didn't. I'm sure there was nothing you could have done differently."

"It would have made such a difference if we had just known."

"I know, Aunt Elle."

It was harder and harder to pay attention and give sympathetic answers, when Nora knew Uncle Bill was closeted in his study trying to make phone calls. James had disappeared too, and she had a feeling she knew whom he was trying to contact.

Finally, late in the afternoon, Aunt Elle decided to lie down for a nap. Nora brought her some lemon tea and shut the window shades for her, and then slipped out with a long sigh as she closed the door.

On her way upstairs, James put his head out of his bedroom and beckoned to her.

"I hoped that was you. Nora, will you read this?"

She didn't know what he meant, but he pointed at his computer screen and sank down on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. Nora sat down at the desk and read.

From: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)
To: Bayfield, James (jmbayfield@douglas.edu)
Subject: RE: What are we going to do?

I don't get it – I think you're all overreacting. Not much you can do about it now, anyway, but let Megan ruin her own life. Honestly she deserves it after trying to ruin everyone else's and bring my brother down with her. She should have said the baby was Cole's – he can afford to support it. Even if it is Lee's she didn't have to make that public. Stupid. Don't know why she's trying to make it into an epic romance – according to him they were both drunk and she was the one coming on to him, which in my book makes her the one responsible. Not to mention really slutty. She got what she had coming to her.

Anyway you should quit worrying about it. We can argue about who's to blame, but it wasn't you. You might as well get out the popcorn and sit back and enjoy the spectacle. It can't affect us, you know.

Actually if it's anyone's fault I think it's Nora's. If she weren't such a tease this never would have happened.

Call me.

J

Nora gasped a little when she read her own name. She tried not to be hurt, although it was so undeniably hurtful – but what Jackie had said about her was by no means the worst part of the email. Her comments about Megan were horrible. That any woman could say such a thing about another member of her own sex was the unbelievable thing, even if she were biased on behalf of her brother. It even sounded like Jackie thought Lee shouldn't have to take care of his own child.

She read it through again – it was every bit as bad as her first impression told her. Then she turned slowly around in the desk chair to face James. What could she say to him? What was there to say that would not make everything worse?

James wiped his face with both his hands, almost as if he were crying, but when he drew his hands away his eyes were dry.

"I've already replied –" he began, but his voice broke, and he had to start over. "I already wrote back. I told her it was over – our friendship, our – whatever else we had. I said I don't want to talk to her again, ever. I can't talk to someone who says things like that about my family members. Or about anyone. I was totally wrong about her."

"Oh James," she whispered.

Chapter 30

Posted on 2009-10-20

Saturday was just awful from beginning to end.

To start, Uncle Bill insisted on taking Nora out for coffee. And then, while Nora tried to eat a scone, he apologized to her.

"I don't know how you knew that Lee Cadwell was not to be trusted, but you saw something that none of us saw, and I should have listened to you. You've proven time and again that you are a smart girl with lots of insight and I should have put your word above that of some smooth-talking young man."

Nora's eyes were wet and her mouth dry. She could hardly speak. "I wish I'd said more. Maybe if –"

"No, Nora. By the time you could have said something, the damage was already done, remember? Anyway, you aren't responsible for other people's actions, only your own."

It was true – if Megan was nearly three months pregnant, that meant Lee had been sleeping with her at some point way back in April, maybe March. At the same time he was sitting by Nora at every meal, and walking her everywhere, and plotting for a summer together. That was strange to realize, and put Nora a lot closer to hating him than she ever had been.

"I'm not blind enough or selfish enough to blame you for what happened," Uncle Bill continued. "I wish I could blame someone else, but it's my own fault more than anyone's. I feel that I've failed my daughter, maybe both my daughters. It's nice to know that I haven't completely failed you. At least I can still make it up to you for not trusting you when I should have. I owe you, Nora."

"That's really nice, but you don't owe me anything – I didn't do anything –"

"I mean it. If you want to work for me after you graduate, you have a job. If you want to go on to get an advanced degree, it's on me."

"Please, Uncle Bill –"

"You've shown me what kind of character you have, and I value character when I find it. You've been loyal to this family and that's important too."

By this time Nora was done for. She couldn't eat her scone, and she could only hope not to completely lose it and embarrass Uncle Bill by sobbing her heart out in the middle of the cafe.

But that was just the beginning of the day, and as bad as it was, there was no going uphill – somehow it seemed to get worse and worse. When Uncle Bill dropped her off at home later in the morning, she had business of her own to take care of. It was awkward, but it had to be done. First she called Beth. It would mean explaining everything to her, which would mean a really long and painful conversation, but there was no way around it. She couldn't room with Jackie next year.

Having worked herself up to make the call, and planned what she was going to say, she was just thankful Beth was at home. She sounded sleepy and Nora was afraid she'd woken her up, but she was there; and when Nora had given her as brief as possible a summary of the situation, she was definitely awake.

"Nora! You are kidding me! Of course, I've been wanting to room with you for ages, you know that. I can call the Dean of Women myself if I have to. But oh my gosh!"

"WWAS," said Nora, trying to laugh.

"I don't think Anne Elliot would know what to say either! Lee Cadwell always has been a flirt, but for pity's sake, this is worse than Mr. Elliot even. Nora, are you okay? I mean, I know you turned him down, but –"

"Well, I'm not totally okay, but I'm more worried about the Bayfields than anything. James is an absolute mess. I wasn't having second thoughts about Lee."

"You've got to feel weird, though," said Beth.

"Yes. Honestly I'm glad you said that, Bethie, because I can't talk to James about it the way he's feeling right now. It's nothing to what he's going through. But it's awfully weird, considering Lee must have – um – been with Megan at the same time he was after me."

"Ugh," said Beth feelingly.

"Yeah. Well, I have to go, Beth - my aunt probably needs me and I've still got to call the Dean's office and I guess I have to email Jackie now too. I'm really glad that we're going to room together, though. I feel bad that I'm happy about it, but I am."

Beth said in a whisper, "Yay," and Nora laughed, then felt even worse.

"Stop making me laugh! Bye, Beth."

"Bye Nora – call again if you need to talk."

Nora thought, as she hung up, that she might actually do that, in spite of her usual hatred for talking on the phone.

Unfortunately, her Beth-induced contentment could not last. Trying to explain to the Dean's office why she wanted to switch room assignments in the middle of the summer was extremely difficult without pouring out the whole story. Eventually the Dean's secretary put her on hold and then it was the Dean of Women herself.

"Hello, Miss Worth?"

Nora, trying not to sigh, began to explain all over again what she wanted. But the Dean interrupted her.

"Not to worry – I am aware of the situation. I've spoken with your Uncle Bill and we are all very concerned about Megan. I'm not sure if there will be anything we can do to help her, but we will try. Meanwhile, I'm glad you have a good friend for support in such a difficult time. I will change the paperwork myself. You have spoken to Miss Grant already, I assume?"

"Yes, and she's agreed."

"Excellent. I only wish we could resolve our other problems as easily."

"Thank you, Dean Williams."

"Not at all, Miss Worth. I'm sorry this unfortunate situation affects you as well. Please let me know if you want to talk to me, or if you would like me to arrange an appointment with one of our counselors –"

"I think I'll be okay, but thank you, I'll keep that in mind," she said politely, and thank goodness, the Dean didn't press it.

Now there was only one last task, but it was not going to be easy. She'd have to email Jackie, and she had no idea what to say. Nora went to find Aunt Elle first.

Aunt Elle was eating a very late breakfast in the family room and watching Dr. Phil, so Nora left her in peace. That would be even better comfort than any Nora could provide – that show was Aunt Elle's favorite and Uncle Bill joked that the only man in the world who made him jealous was Dr. Phil.

There was no other reason Nora could think of for putting off her email to Jackie. When she went into the study to use the computer, however, she found James there before her. He was just sitting in Uncle Bill's big leather armchair, not reading, not using the computer, just sitting there.

"James?" Nora said.

"Jackie called – three times actually," he said.

"Three times? What did she say? Did you talk to her?"

He shook his head. "I didn't answer. What is there to say? I just checked Dad's caller ID and saw it was her. She didn't leave a message. I wish she'd just leave me alone. How can she think there's anything to salvage? How can she think she can possibly say anything that would change my mind?"

Nora thought Jackie probably knew she was losing James, and was desperate to try anything. She didn't speak, though – James was not in a frame of mind to hear how much Jackie wanted to keep him.

"Nora, I don't even know what I saw in her. Was I just making it all up? Was it all in my imagination? I feel like – like the floor has just slipped out from under me. I thought I was in love with her. Now I wonder if I know anything about myself at all."

She hesitated, then sat down in the desk chair, turning it so it faced him. "I don't think you were entirely wrong, James. You saw possibilities, potential maybe."

"Maybe," James said, looking up at her. "Maybe you're right. She doesn't mean to be callous or cruel, I think. But in a way, that's the worst part. She's been so corrupted by the example of her dad, that she doesn't even know why we're all upset. She doesn't have any value for responsibility, and she's incapable even of compassion for another woman. I do think she was sincere in not understanding – whatever else, she's not a dishonest person."

Nora shook her head. "No, she doesn't talk about what she feels, but what she does say is pretty straightforward." Which of course meant that James had no excuse for not seeing what Jackie was like.

"I guess you could say I haven't lost anything but my own fantasy of what I thought I'd found in her. I'd really rather have gone on thinking well of her, than have everything I believed taken away like this, though. Well, it's all over now, and there's no point in dwelling on it, I guess. We don't have to keep talking about it – you're so good to listen to me, Nora. Are you really okay yourself?"

"It's a little disconcerting to find out that Lee was – well, he wasn't cheating on me, but he was deceiving me. But I don't have a broken heart or anything like that."

"That's the one good thing I've heard all week, Nora. I'm so glad at least you're going to be all right."

The implication was clear. James felt his broken heart was beyond repair. Nora sighed. "Actually, what I feel worse about is – I came in here because I have to email Jackie myself. I have to tell her I'm going to room with Beth next year instead."

"I didn't think of that," said James. "Are you going to be able to get it switched? I'm sure Dad would call them if –"

"No, don't worry about it. I wouldn't put another burden on you or your dad. I already called the Dean of Women and got it taken care of. This is the last thing I have to do and –" Nora knew it was probably better not to tell James about it, but she said before she could stop herself, "I don't even know what to say to her."

"Keep it simple," said James. "She won't understand, no matter what you say." He spoke bitterly, and Nora wanted to cry again. That wasn't like James.

"We can talk more when I've got this done," she said. Poor James. He was being so quiet, she could almost forget how much he must be feeling, until he said things like that.

"I'll be upstairs," James said.

When she logged in to her email, Nora saw that Jackie had already emailed her.

From: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
Subject: What the hell is going on?

Nora,

Are you not talking to me either? James isn't answering the phone. Apparently they've decided all Cadwells are of the devil. Don't see how it's supposed to be my fault, but whatever. At least reply if you get this, please.

J

From: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
To: Cadwell, Jacqueline (jcadwell@douglas.edu)
Subject: RE: What is going on?

Jackie,

You may not see it as a big deal, but it is to the Bayfield family. Megan's whole future is in question.

I'm not sure if it would be a good idea for us to room together next year, considering everything that's happened. It would make things really awkward. I don't hate you and I don't think you're of the devil, but James is my best friend and the Bayfields are my family. I called the Dean of Women and got the room assignment changed, so I don't think you have to do anything unless there's someone else you'd like to request.

I'm really sorry about this, but I don't see how I can do anything else. I wish you all the best for next year, I really do.

Nora

PS It would be a good thing if you give James some space and don't try to call him. It's not helping and it's not going to change his mind.

She dithered a while before sending this email. It sounded so harsh. But then, so had Jackie's. Nora actually hadn't said anything hurtful – Jackie had accused Megan of seducing her brother and suggested lying about the baby as a solution.

She pressed send. No one had really thought about the baby yet, not that she had heard anyway. It was an obstacle to Megan's education. It was proof of Megan and Lee's deceit, betrayal, and wrongdoing. It was an embarrassment to the Bayfields. It stood between them and their friends the Hastings. If Megan had her way, what kind of life would the child have? She only wanted to keep it as a tie to bind Lee to her.

It wouldn't be the first time a baby was used as a strategic pawn, Nora supposed. But maybe Uncle Bill was right to push for adoption. At least then it would have parents who loved it. Suddenly she felt lucky – she'd never felt that before. But after all, her mom and dad had really loved each other once, and they had wanted her, in spite of their poverty. That was something she'd taken for granted.

She went upstairs. James was lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling.

"Did you email?"

"Yes. I hated doing it, but it's done now. It's over."

"It seems like the consequences will never end. I hope I don't have to explain to Lee that he's not welcome to live at the Sticks next year."

"I forgot about that too," admitted Nora. "Do you have anyone else in mind for the third spot?"

"No, but maybe Alex will have someone to ask."

James paused, then broke out again. "I still can't understand how I could have been so blind."

It seemed he had to go over all the same ground again. Nora was a little surprised – she thought he had determined not to talk about it any more. But when she thought about it, maybe it was understandable. There was nothing else to think about. He was suffering and it had to come out somehow.

She listened and comforted as well as she was able. And there was a certain happiness in that – she could be there for James, when he really needed her. She didn't know whether to be regretful or relieved when eventually she had to cut him off and go to check on Aunt Elle.

Chapter 31

Posted on 2009-10-28

That was how the rest of the summer went – Nora spent her days at Uncle Bill's office, the afternoon when she got home with Aunt Elle, and the evenings with James. Jess came home at the end of July. She seemed a little stiff in her first greeting to Nora. When a couple of days had gone by and she still hadn't said anything, Nora could see she should be the one to begin. She just didn't know how to approach it, and she was terrible at saying comforting things – they always sounded so inadequate.

She had rehearsed several beginnings in her head, only to lose her nerve whenever she found a decent opportunity to talk with Jess. But one afternoon when she got home from work, she walked into the family room and found Jess alone reading a magazine. If she didn't say something now, it would seem like she was the one avoiding Jess.

"Hi Jess –"

Jessie only nodded at her, which wasn't too encouraging.

"Did you have a good visit with Blake's family?" Nora tried.

"Okay, under the circumstances," snapped Jess.

"What about you? Are you –?"

"I'm fine."

"I just wanted to make sure you're not worried about that email, or anything," Nora blurted out. "I was happy you thought of me, actually – I mean, it was a shock, but that wasn't your fault. Please don't be mad at me, Jess. We were just getting to be friends."

Jess looked up. "Yeah, okay, Nora, but try telling that to James. You would have thought I did it on purpose. I kind of figured you wouldn't be too mad at me, but that makes it worse. It's everyone else. I'm the villain and you're the victim, and forgiving me in such a saintly way too. I couldn't stand it – that's why I left."

Nora's eyes welled up.

"Sorry," Jess said quickly, her voice softening. "Don't – I shouldn't have said that. It's just that my dad and James seem to think you're pretty near perfect and I'm always the one screwing things up. Don't cry, Nora – I know you don't try to be like that."

Nora was tempted to run up to her room, but something in the way Jess spoke stopped her. Uncle Bill really was hard on his kids sometimes – maybe Jessie was really hurting. Maybe she'd never noticed how much Uncle Bill loved her. That kind of thing is always easier to see when you're on the outside, Nora thought.

"You know that's not true." She wiped her eyes and tried to speak firmly. "If I lived here all the time I bet Uncle Bill would find plenty of things I do wrong."

Jess laughed. "Well, that's probably true. Dad could find fault with Mother Teresa."

"I didn't mean that," said Nora, blushing. "I just meant it's because he doesn't see as much of me as he does of you. And anyway James knows he shouldn't have yelled at you. It was just the reaction of a moment. Please, Jess, I need you – you're the only one who backed me up about Lee."

Jess made a face. "All right, Nora. Don't make sad puppy eyes at me; I'm not mad at you. I'm just annoyed with life in general. Let's not talk about it. Let's talk about something else, like – um, do you like this dress?" she waved the magazine at Nora.

"I'm no expert," said Nora, but she sat down on the couch next to Jess and looked over her shoulder.

Nora went back home for a few days in August to pack her own stuff. After that first slow month, the summer had gone quickly after all. And yet it seemed years had passed since then. She took a last walk down to the park and couldn't help thinking of Lee. It was still hard to believe – he had seemed so sincere. And maybe he was. Maybe Megan really was nothing to him. But that just made it worse for Megan. Nora shuddered. How close she had been – she might eventually have given in, if he had kept after her.

James came to pick her up that weekend. Nora thought again about last year as they drove silently back to Douglas. It was like looking in a mirror: the same, but backwards. Instead of dreading it, she could hardly wait to get back; and James was the one depressed. Instead of the strange and intimidating chaos of Pieper on that first day, she was moving into quiet Gordon, which was already familiar to her from movie nights with Beth last year. Instead of the whole noisy group of Bayfields, it was just James, since Jess had her own car now.

Beth hadn't arrived yet, having so much longer a drive from up north, so when James had helped her carry everything in and then departed for the Sticks, Nora went to check in with the house director, get her keys, and introduce herself. The house director at Gordon was a small, plump English lady, as different from Mrs. Barnes as could be imagined. She invited Nora into her apartment for lemonade, which she made with real lemons and an old-fashioned juicer. She even put a slice of lemon over the edge of the glass, exactly like something in a TV commercial.

"The girls just call me Nana," she said. "Are you a sophomore, dear?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Most of the girls are juniors, but we have some sophomores. I imagine you won't have too much trouble getting to know everyone, since Beth was here last year, but you let me know if you have any concerns."

"I will, thank you Nana."

"And you have family here, dear?"

"Yes, my cousins. Jessie I think wanted to live in this dorm too, but she got a place at her sorority house so she's there instead. And my cousin James will be here quite a bit, I think."

"I know your cousin James," nodded Nana. "I know most people on campus, you'll find."

Nana liked to talk. Nora finally excused herself after over an hour, before Nana could start telling her another scandalously funny story about past years in the dorm, or recount another professorial romance.

When Nora got back to her room, Beth was just coming in, towing a suitcase and lugging a box under the other arm.

"There you are, roomie mine!"

"I went to talk to Nana and get my keys."

"And you ended up staying two hours," guessed Beth.

"Well, just one. Do you need help?"

"No, this is just about everything," she said, dumping the box on the bed and gesturing at the pile of bags and crates on the floor. "Ugh, I'm so tired of unpacking. And I've still got another year and a half of moving every six months. Ah, college life – the stuff they never tell you at orientation." Beth bounced onto her bed and leaned an elbow on the box beside her. "So tell me about your cousin – I'd rather gossip than organize my stuff."

Such was the state of Nora's mind that for a moment she thought Beth was talking about James and she wondered how Beth could have known about her feelings for him – but then she realized that of course Beth meant Megan.

"I don't know what there is to tell. She left home halfway through the summer. Supposedly she and Lee got an apartment together somewhere in the town of Douglas. The baby's due right after the new year, although I didn't actually ever hear the specific date. She was refusing to tell her mom and dad anything, so it's a little difficult to pin it down. Uncle Bill is making her go to prenatal care doctor appointments – she was blowing it off, but I think he bribed her with tuition money or something."

"You're kidding. She's still going to school?"

"I guess she's going this semester. She thinks she's going to go next semester too, from what I heard. I don't know how that's going to work out. Honestly, Beth – I don't know how any of it is going to work. Uncle Bill said Megan has made her choice and he's not going to pay her living expenses, unless he finds out the baby is starving or something.

"That's kind of harsh," said Beth.

"Yeah, but he said people who are living together and starting a family should be able to take care of themselves, and if they can't, they might as well find out now."

Beth sighed. "Ugh. I admit it sort of makes sense. So are they going to find jobs?"

"I have no idea. All I know is what Uncle Bill said, and I didn't really ask a lot of questions – it was kind of awkward. But I suppose they'd have to."

They stared at each other, and Nora knew from the expression on Beth's face she was thinking the same thing. Nora said it.

"Maybe this could work out, if they were really committed to trying hard and supporting each other, but I really can't see Lee –"

"Lee as a dad? Lee enjoying a domestic small town life? Lee changing diapers while Megan's in class?" Beth finished for her. "Um, no, I can't either. What a mess!"

"I know."

"I bet she hated having you at their house. She must know Lee was in love with you the whole time."

"Well, she certainly didn't speak a word to me, and she left as soon as she possibly could. I don't know if Lee was in love with me, but he thought he was, and that's enough."

"He was in love with you," said Beth emphatically. "I'm not saying that he's not a jerk and a despicable flirt and a liar, but he had to be in love with you. Otherwise why would he go after you? Clearly he had other options."

"Beth!"

"I'm just saying –"

Nora sighed. On one hand, it was nice to talk things over with Beth, who always saw things practically. On the other hand, gossip didn't really make her feel any better and it definitely didn't help James. And she didn't want to think about Lee – it left her with a strange unpleasant creepy-crawly feeling.

"I'm sorry, Nora," said Beth. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"No, you didn't. I'm not upset. It's just so – it's all so – sordid." She finished up with the only word that seemed to fit, although it wasn't a word she had ever expected to use in everyday conversation.

Beth got it, of course. "A very Austenian word, but I totally know what you mean."

Chapter 32

Posted on 2009-11-06

"It's hard to believe I always used to love that Douglas is such a small school," said James at breakfast one Saturday morning.

Nora winced. There was nothing to say. James had stopped mentioning Jackie, but she knew exactly what he meant. It was impossible to completely avoid someone at Douglas. James was student teaching at the high school this semester, but that could only keep him from seeing Jackie at lunch. Sometimes she even came to breakfast, when the cafeteria was nearly empty. Nora resented that. There was no reason to think Jackie was purposely intruding, trying to provoke James – but she did think it.

On the other hand, she'd hardly seen Lee at all, though she'd been steeling herself for that first meeting. In a way, it would have been easier to see Lee than always Jackie, but Nora was grateful for small mercies. Such as the fact that this morning, they were alone. Even Jackie wouldn't get up early on Saturday just to make a point.

"I'm sorry, I'm not much fun to be around, am I?" James said. "I wish – look, Nora. I'm not much of a friend for you. Why don't you find someone else to hang out with? I mean it. You're too loyal for your own good. You don't have to sit here and suffer with me."

"That wouldn't make me much of a friend, would it?" Nora asked. "Friends don't abandon their friends when life is tough."

They sat in silence for a minute.

"Besides," she added, "Beth is a bit preoccupied right now and you know I'm not good at making new friends. I guess I'll have to put up with you."

James half-smiled, which was her goal. Half-smiles were as good as laughing out loud these days. She was even getting better at being funny, Nora thought.

"You can come over if you want to," James said when they left the cafeteria. "Alex said Beth was coming over later, so maybe we can all watch a movie or something after homework."

Since Alex was living at the Sticks, Beth and Nora spent a lot of their time at the house. It was more comfortable than the dorm, and it didn't have visiting hours. Alex had apparently suggested his friend Brandon as a third housemate. Nora recognized him from Socrates Society, although he'd never said a lot. He was quiet at the house too; sometimes he watched movies with the group, but more often he stayed in his room playing online games. The Sticks was a very different house altogether this year. Beth and Alex were in a serious on-again phase, so as often as not it was just Nora and James hanging out in the living room doing homework or watching TV.

That was fine with Nora. She didn't mind quiet evenings at the Sticks, and anyway there wasn't much to do in Douglas that didn't remind her painfully of evenings with Lee and Jackie. It must be even worse for James, although he didn't say anything. Anyway bowling was no fun with two people and it was getting too cold already for ice cream.

Sometimes they played games. The best was prying Alex and Beth apart to play UNO – they kept a running score all semester. Nora always lost because she couldn't bear to play Draw 4s on James or Beth, although she didn't mind punishing Alex a little. He was too smug about winning.

When she went to put the UNO game away in the closet one evening, Nora was struck with inspiration. Besides the UNO deck there were a few decks of regular cards and Alex had a shiny new Risk board. He tried to coerce everyone to play Risk but Nora backed out whenever possible. She hated Risk. Under that was a Monopoly set – between Risk and Monopoly, it was like choosing between boring and monotonous. Alex had horrible taste in games. But wedged at the back of the shelf she had spied a battered box.

"Do you want to play Scrabble?" Nora asked James the next evening when she had finished her reading for English.

"Love to, but where are we going to get a Scrabble set?" he said.

Nora grinned. She just knew James would be a Scrabble kind of person. "You have one, silly!" she cried. "I saw it in the back of your games shelf."

Scrabble required concentration, and she made sure to do a little trash talking to wake James's competitive spirit. He couldn't win by spelling 'Jackie' over and over – for one thing, Scrabble only had one J tile. Nothing like spelling to put heartbreak out of his mind, she thought.

They played Scrabble most evenings after that, if only for a few minutes after homework was done. If they kept the board in a box they could shove it under the couch and save the set-up for next time.

Sometimes when they were too worn out from writing papers or studying flashcards, the games devolved into misspelling words creatively. James was better at cheating than she was, but Nora had never been happier, even when he beat her.

About half way through the semester, she went over to the Sticks on a windy Friday afternoon. It was starting to get cold again. Most of September had been overcast, hot, and humid, but it was bright and cool now. Nora leaned into the wind, half-closing her eyes against the glare of sun on golden yellow leaves. By the time she got to the Sticks, her nose was chilled and her eyes were watering. She knocked, and then let herself into the closed-in entry way, calling James's name. He was always there on Fridays, but the whole house was quiet. She was about to leave again when he appeared in the kitchen doorway, holding the phone.

"Sorry – I was talking to dad," he said in a dull voice.

"James, what's the matter?" she said. Not again. It was like watching him after he'd read that last email from Jackie, all over again.

"What else would it be? It's Megan. She's at home. According to her, she broke up with Lee because he wasn't treating her right. But apparently what really happened was she'd been paying for their apartment on a credit card and when her limit ran out Lee did too."

"She's at home? You mean she's dropping out of her classes?"

"Of course. That was about the only thing she hadn't messed up yet. She's refusing to come back and finish the semester even, but she doesn't want to stay at home either."

"What is Uncle Bill going to do?"

"He's trying to arrange for her to go stay with Aunt Doris for a while. Nora – it just seems like this is never going to end. I don't know why I'm so upset by this. It's more or less what I expected."

"Yeah, me too," she whispered.

"I guess it's just that – I'll always love Megan, of course. She's my sister. But the way she's acting, it's like she's some other person. Someone I don't know, someone who doesn't share any of my values, who doesn't care about my family or the way we were brought up. That's what hurts. It seems like she doesn't care about us."

Nora hesitated, then she reached over and patted James's shoulder. "I know it doesn't really help, but the rest of your family cares about you. I – I care about you."

"Thanks, Nora," he said, half-smiling. He looked at her for a minute, then sighed and looked away.

She had to distract him. "If it helps, I have some news too. Good news, although it can't outweigh this, of course."

"Yeah?" he said, not really succeeding at acting interested.

"I heard it from one of the girls in my Spanish class who lives in Davidson. Jackie is transferring at the end of this semester. She'll be gone."

James's face lightened. "Actually, that does help. Wow. That helps a lot. You can't imagine how much, Nora."

"Now if we could just get rid of Lee too –" she said, trying to joke.

"I don't have much of a hope for that. He's a senior. There's no way he'll transfer with one semester left."

"I suppose not."

"But still – not to have to see her every day. Trailing guys behind her everywhere she goes. The rest of my senior year might not be a complete torture, after all."

Nora frowned. He still sounded so bitter. She privately thought Jackie was looking for something in the guys she always hung out with, and failing to find it. She wasn't happy either. Nora didn't know how she knew that, but she did. Jackie wouldn't be transferring if she were happy. But Nora didn't say anything to James – she wasn't stupid enough to think that would be a good idea, even if it was momentarily comforting to him.

"Did they say where she was going?" James said after another minute.

"Um. M State I think. I'm not absolutely sure that's what the girl said, but it would make sense. Closer to home."

"Good. That's far enough away, so she won't be coming back here often. And another thing – I can fill out my class schedule for next semester without worrying she'd somehow end up in my class. Lee might, I suppose, but that's different. I despise him but I don't –"

"I know. Not the same."

"Have you looked at classes yet?"

Nora nodded. "That was actually the original reason I was coming over. I wanted to ask you about which religion class would be good for me to take. I guess I probably should declare my major soon too. That might help."

"You should definitely declare your major," agreed James, diving into the discussion with more life than he had shown in months. "Then you can switch to an advisor who can help you in your chosen subject. Are you still going to double religion and literature?"

"I think so. I'm going to take the second semester of both of the American and British lit survey classes next, and probably Spanish again. And I might take Psychology since I have a social sciences requirement to fulfill. But that still leaves me with room for another class. What do you think? Should I take Church History? Or the Comparative Religion – that's a survey so it seems like it might be better. The only thing is –"

"You already know what I'm going to say. Weston is teaching church history, so that's the one you should take." He grinned at her, with the old James grin, all the way up to his eyes.

Nora smiled back. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed him, the happy James. "What about you? Have your schedule all figured out?"

"Just about. I have a lot of education program requirements to do, unfortunately. But there's another seminar on theologians of the middle ages I might take. And I have one more requirement myself. I'd better make sure I fit that into the schedule or I can't graduate."

"Which requirement?"

"General humanities. I was thinking about taking Art History."

"Really?" Nora flipped through the schedule hastily. "The section on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons? I was trying to make up my mind between that and Psych."

"Yes, that's the one. Why don't you take it with me? It would be fun to have a class together. And art history goes so well with religion and literature both."

"It would be fun," said Nora. She was proud of herself – her voice was fairly calm, considering the way her heart was jumping.

Chapter 33

Posted on 2009-12-01

Despite many promises at the end of the summer, Nora had seen very little of Jessie. Of course she thought about it every time she passed Jessie's sorority house, but she couldn't quite bring herself to go inside. Nora was convinced that sororities had a secret code of behavior which she was sure to violate in some way the minute she rang the doorbell. She wasn't even sure if ringing the doorbell was allowed to outsiders. The closed door with its shiny brass Greek letters was just too intimidating, even though Nora felt she probably ought to try.

It was nearly Thanksgiving before she finally bumped into Jess in the upstairs hallway of a classroom building. Nora had gone to see a professor and apparently Jess had a class getting out at just that time. She felt so guilty that she did not even notice at first that Jess looked equally abashed.

After the first awkward greeting they both spoke at once.

"I've been meaning to –"

"I know I should have called –"

Jess burst out laughing. "You too? And I've been feeling horrible about not talking to you before."

"Oh no, don't feel bad," Nora assured her quickly. "It's my fault at least as much as yours."

Jess pulled her to the window at the end of the hall. "The truth is, Nora – well, I kind of hate to hang out anywhere on campus. I can't stand seeing them, you know? The House is like my safe cave now."

Nora was struck afresh with how much the entire Bayfield family had been altered by what Lee did. She'd never seen Jess afraid of anything. "That's so –" She didn't know how to continue, so she gave Jess a quick pat.

"I know. But I hate what he did to Megan. We've had our ups and downs but I always knew what she was thinking, even when we were fighting. I don't know anymore."

"You miss her."

"Not even that. I'm glad she's gone. And I feel like a horrible person for thinking it."

After a silence, Jess spoke again in a changed tone. "The worst is I can't stop thinking about it! Here I am seeing you for the first time in weeks and I have to bring it up. God, Nora! So depressing!"

"Well, let's not talk about it then. How are classes? How's volleyball?" Nora offered.

Jess checked her watch. "I have to go, speaking of volleyball. Can't we have a movie night or something soon?"

"Yeah! And come over to the Sticks some time. James would love having us all over, I know."

Jess shot her a look over her shoulder as she turned to go. "I have to ask you about that too. Call you!"

That look made Nora a bit nervous. Jess had looked so knowing. But she was probably being over-sensitive, she thought. And in fact when Jess came over to spend the next evening at Gordon, she seemed to be asking mostly whether James was doing better.

"I talked to James yesterday too," Jess said, flipping through Beth and Nora's shelf of movies. "He sounded a lot happier than I expected. I didn't know Jackie was leaving Douglas, though – I guess that's what I get for hiding at the House all the time."

"I think that helped a lot," agreed Nora.

"James is so smart," interjected Beth. "I couldn't understand what he saw in her."

Nora was surprised. She didn't remember Beth having said anything of the kind, before. But maybe Beth had kept her theories to herself. She was sharper than she acted, sometimes. Just not about Lee – but she hadn't seen the way Lee acted with Jess and Megan.

"Jackie's pretty and acts helpless all the time," said Jess, answering Beth's implied question. "And she's really good at disguising the fact that she's a bi – sorry Nora. A witch."

Nora frowned. She couldn't say what she thought in front of James, of course, but she'd gotten tired of hearing everyone call Jackie names. "I don't think that's it. She's really intelligent – that's what got James. She has wit."

"Oh my God, Nora! Did you just defend her?" Jess dropped two DVDs and turned around.

Nora blushed hard. "Well, she was horrible for James. It's not like I think it would have worked out. She has a lot of issues."

"Issues?" Jess said, and Beth snorted.

"Yeah, she's messed up," Nora persisted, near crying but still stubborn. "That was the other thing. James thought he could save her."

To Nora's surprise, Beth stopped laughing. "You're probably right, actually. It's like a reverse version of bad-boy appeal."

Jess winced, and Nora guessed she was thinking about Lee. "Maybe," Jess said, and changed the subject. "But back to James – I don't think Jackie leaving is the only thing cheering him up. You're really good for him, Nora."

Nora looked away.

"Yeah," Beth agreed again. "I've really been a bad friend this semester – Alex is distracting me. But it's just as well. I wouldn't have the patience to sit there and play Scrabble every night with James. He's depressing when he gets broody."

"Nora's so loyal," said Jess, which gave Nora an excuse to be blushing again.

"Stop it, you two," she said, and laughed, but it sounded a little weak.

Like last year, she spent Christmas week at home, and Uncle Bill asked her to come for the rest of break to stay at the Bayfields' and work at his company. James came to pick her up New Year's Eve. When they were in the car, before he put the key in the ignition, he pulled a small rectangular package out of his coat pocket and handed it to her.

"Merry Christmas a little late."

"What's this?"

James looked a little flushed. "I know we don't usually give Christmas presents between all the cousins, but – I don't know, I saw it and thought of you. Now don't get all weird on me, and freak out because you didn't get me anything. It's just a small way to say thank you for being such a good friend this last semester. You stood by me through the tough times and I know it can't have been easy."

Nora tore away the paper. It was an book, an old book, bound with cloth, the corners worn and bent inwards. It was a copy of Jane Eyre, the name embossed in the cover although the gilding had long ago rubbed away. She opened the cover and saw it was inscribed in sepia-colored copperplate, to "Anna" with a date of 1899. Under the original inscription James had written carefully "To Nora, one hundred and one years later." Her eyes filled.

"I know it would be even better if it were Jane Austen," James said. "But I thought you liked that too, and the date and everything was perfect. It's not really valuable or anything. I did look that up."

"Oh James. Oh James – where did you find this?"

"You're not going to believe that, actually – it was at our church holiday rummage sale. I won't tell you how much I paid for it, or you won't think it's a very good present."

Nora snickered, trying not to cry outright. "Don't be silly, James. You know very well how much I love this. Thank you."

She leaned over and hugged him, trying to put everything she was feeling into her embrace. But he pulled away too soon, a little sharply. He didn't look at her as he started the car. Nora sank back in her seat, all her pleasure in the gift draining away. Had she given herself away? Had he read too much into her hug? She couldn't bear to have things become awkward with James, not after all this time.

There was a brief silence, and when Nora checked out of the corner of her eye she saw that James looked pale now instead of flushed. She rubbed the cover of the book between her hands, quivering on the edge of tears again.

"So you do like Jane Eyre, right?" asked James in his usual tone of voice, as if the stern look on his face had been nothing more than her imagination. Nora lifted her head and tried to match his casual delivery as she replied. But she wasn't sure it had been her imagination, after all.

Chapter 34

Posted on 2009-12-08

Nora slid her Scrabble tiles across their tray again, fruitlessly. She wasn't even really seeing them, let alone making words. There could have been a triple word score possibility staring her in the face and she wouldn't have noticed.

It was no good. No matter how she considered it, James was going to find out one way or another. She might as well tell him what had happened, so he'd hear it from her in the gentlest way possible.

"James," she said.

"Hmm." He was staring intently at a five-letter combination on his own tray.

"Lee is in my American Lit class."

It was worse than she expected. She thought James would look sad or depressed, but in fact he looked furious.

"What?"

"Yeah, I just wanted to tell you so you don't get a shock later. James, it's not a big deal –"

"Maybe he didn't know. He might have the sense to drop it, when he sees you."

Nora shook her head. "I don't think so. He was actually adding it, and he looked right at me when Dr. Johnson was signing the schedule card for him."

"Okay, that's not acceptable," snapped James. "Don't worry, Nora. Maybe we can talk to the dean."

"No, really –"

"Do you want me to? I could tell Dad."

"James. It's not that important."

"It is important. I won't have him harassing you after everything he's already put you through. What is he thinking?"

Nora was appalled. "James, stop," she said, firmly enough to attract his attention. "I didn't mean to upset you like this. I probably shouldn't have said anything. But you don't have to do anything. I don't even care that he's there. I just wanted you to know."

James stared at her. "Nora, I don't know. Are you sure? You're not just trying to downplay it because you don't want anyone to fuss over you?"

"No, it's really okay. I promise," she said earnestly. "I don't care about him. I never did. I mean, of course I despise what he did to Megan. But it doesn't bother me to see him, as long as he doesn't try to sit next to me or something."

"You tell me if he does that," James said, taking her hand. He looked fiercer than Nora had ever seen him, and she couldn't meet his eyes, though she couldn't quite pull her hand away either.

"I will," she said, more to calm James than anything. "I truly never cared about him, James," she repeated. No one had ever quite believed her about that, she still thought.

"I know, you've said." James leaned back against the sofa, Scrabble forgotten. "I think it's difficult to understand because I'm trying to find excuses for my own stupidity in falling for them. How did you end up so much wiser than the rest of us, Nora?"

She considered a number of responses – I was protected by being in love with you, James. I wasn't blinded by attraction. No one ever notices when I'm around, so I get to see things other people don't, like Lee wooing two sisters at the same time.

"I had a little more distance," she finally said. "Anyway, I'm not that wise. Lee was almost winning me over, in spite of everything I knew about him. I was almost to the point of liking him anyway. Who knows what would have happened?"

Beth was almost as upset as James had been when Nora told her the latest developments.

"That creep! Why can't he just stay away from you? If he really cared about you, he would. And if he doesn't care about you, he doesn't have any excuse to be following you around."

"James was really angry," Nora added, wondering if maybe she herself had underestimated the possible malevolence of Lee's behavior. "He said he'd take care of it if Lee tries anything else."

"Good! He should be protective of you," nodded Beth.

Nora flushed a little at the idea. She'd hadn't exactly thought of it as protectiveness of her.

"I suppose, considering what's happened to his family," she said. "But it worried me – James doesn't usually fly off the handle."

"No, I'm with him in this case. I'm surprised you aren't more upset yourself, Nora."

"There isn't much Lee can do to hurt me."

"So calm, all-knowing Nora," said Beth, affectionately mocking. "I still feel horrible for telling you to go for him, you know. Thank goodness you knew better."

Nora was beginning to think it might be more embarrassing to have been right about Lee than to have been mistaken. "Maybe I wasn't wise, just stubborn," she suggested, in desperation.

"You, stubborn?" Beth laughed.

But she had been. Stubborn and intolerant and hopelessly in love.

To everyone's continued shock, Lee made no further move in the next few weeks. He didn't try to speak to Nora, and he sat on the opposite side of the room. Every now and then he'd catch her eye, look at her for a few seconds, and glance away. It was almost as if he'd taken the class just to keep an eye on her. Nora began to be a little afraid of him despite herself, but she wouldn't admit it to James for the world. Logically, what she had said to Beth was still true. Nothing Lee did could hurt her now.

On a Saturday afternoon in February Nora went over to the Sticks to study with James for their first art history test. It was sleeting and even at one o'clock it seemed dusky. It would have been the perfect afternoon to take naps, or watch movies, or reread an antique copy of Jane Eyre. She was going to have a hard time focusing on dates and artist names, she could tell.

James opened the door when she knocked and actually pulled her inside so he could slam the door against the ice.

"What a horrible day, huh? If we didn't have over a hundred works of art to memorize by Monday, I would have called you and told you not to come. Do you want something hot? I think we have some packets of hot chocolate somewhere."

"That would be great, thank you, James."

He went into the kitchen and filled the hot pot, and then opened a cupboard. "I think the hot chocolate is in here. We don't drink it much, but it's definitely called for today. Yeah, here it is."

"Those look familiar," said Nora, laughing at the bulk-labeled packets he pulled out.

"What, are you suggesting I would smuggle from the cafeteria?"

"WWAS!" she cried, without thinking.

"What?"

"Oh, sorry, that's an in-joke Beth and I have. It means What Would Anne Say. It's a Jane Austen thing," she added as James still looked puzzled.

"Say no more! I probably wouldn't get it even if you explained."

"We should all watch Persuasion some weekend," said Nora, boldly. "It's Beth's favorite, and she can never get Alex to watch it with her. But if you watched –"

"I guess I could. There's no reason why a history major couldn't get a little education in literature, too. Which one is your favorite?"

"Which Austen novel?"

"Sure – you're always talking about them. I feel like I should know."

"It depends on my mood. Sometimes I like Sense and Sensibility best, sometimes Persuasion."

James looked blank, then laughed. "I have a lot to learn, I guess. I didn't know there were so many besides Pride and Prejudice. Here you go." He poured the hot water into the mugs and handed her one.

They sat down on the couch in the living room with their hot cocoa, and Nora opened the art history textbook between them so they could both see the illustrations.

"All right, let's go down the list of artworks. It's going to be awful memorizing these dates – maybe we should make flashcards."

"You get credit if you put them within the correct half-century," James reminded her.

"Oh that's right!" she said, struck with an inspiration. "Hey, in that case why don't we put them in time period categories? Don't you think it would be easier to memorize chunks in a series, rather than an individual date for each one?"

She started drawing brackets around all the works of art in the same category, to show him.

"Brilliant – that's why I asked you to study with me. I don't know why I've never thought of it that way. It would have made my church history exams a lot easier."

"All the High Renaissance stuff is from the same time block anyway, so we can just memorize the same thing for all of them," Nora said, observing her list. Having reached over to turn a page in the book, she absently began fiddling with one of the fabric-covered buttons on the sofa cushion.

"I think I've got a handle on the Renaissance," agreed James, paging through his notes.

"Then the Mannerist period – that's not so bad, it's short and most of them are El Greco, so if he puts up a slide with lots of funny-looking elongated figures in hot pink –"

Nora trailed off, because James had put his hand over hers to make her quit her fidgeting with the sofa button, and instead of pulling away, he curled his fingers around hers, stroking his thumb over the back of her hand.

Chapter 35

Posted on 2009-12-15

It suddenly felt as if the silence had been going on for ever. Nora thought she might be literally speechless – she couldn't have spoken even if she had wanted to, which she wasn't sure she did. In the quiet, she could hear sleet hitting the windows over her head, and a clock ticking in the kitchen, even the rasp of James's jeans against the sofa as he shifted a little closer to her, still holding her hand.

"Nora, can I ask you something?"

She nodded, and looked up to meet his eyes, green-grey and intent.

"You know what just kills me?" he said, which she guessed was not the question he meant to ask her. "That I've wasted so much time. Before you answer, just know I won't blame you if you say no, considering how stupid I've been. Above all, I can't stand to lose your friendship, so if you have to say no, just say it and I'll pretend I never said anything, okay?"

She thought she might pass out if he didn't go on and say it. She couldn't be wrong – he was going to ask her –

He started to speak, cleared his throat, and started again. "I wanted to ask you – if you'd consider dating me. I've finally started to realize how you fit into my life better than anyone I've ever known, and how important your friendship is to me, and in fact – it's more than friendship to me, way more. But as I said, I'd understand perfectly if you'd rather just go on being friends only, or if you really think of me as a cousin –"

"No," said Nora, to his last phrase. And then seeing his face fall, she realized what it had sounded like to him and amended, "I mean yes. I mean yes, James, I'd love to." And, of course, she burst into tears.

But it was the nicest, loveliest burst of tears she'd ever had, because James shoved the art history book out of the way and put his arms around her, and at last she could put her head down on his shoulder and cling to him, not like a brother and not like a cousin, but as her James. And the tighter she held him, the closer he pulled her, pressing his face against hers and lifting his hand to stroke her hair.

After a few minutes James pulled away slightly and looked down at her. "I'm sorry, we're such guys, I don't even know if we have any kleenex in the house," he said, as Nora tried to wipe her eyes. "Let me go see." He disentangled himself and got up, and Nora sat on the sofa wondering if she had dozed off in the dusky afternoon and was actually sleeping back in her dorm.

Apparently she wasn't, and this was really happening; because when James came back looking sheepish with a battered travel packet of tissues, he sat down next to her and reached his arm around her shoulders to tuck her in to his side. Nora leaned into him, feeling his body against hers with her whole being. She tried not to tremble, but it was no good. James rubbed her arm, and with his other hand he took hers, as if he couldn't stand not to be touching her. Nora was lost in the beauty of it.

"I can't believe you said yes," James murmured.

"Why wouldn't I say yes?"

"You know – as if it weren't enough that I've been a complete idiot for the last year and a half – for most of the time we've been friends, actually – there's the family connection. I thought you might be really weirded out."

"It's not like we grew up together or something," Nora objected. "We barely knew each other before last year."

"I'm really wishing now I hadn't introduced you to so many people as my cousin, though. We are going to get so many strange looks."

"I hadn't thought of that," she said, smiling. It was funny – she had been in love with James for so long she'd forgotten they were supposed to be related. She couldn't tell him that – it was too soon to speak of how long she'd waited for him, and how nearly he'd broken her heart over her own roommate. Eventually, maybe...

But he had picked up on something in her tone. "Thought of it?" he repeated. "You say that like you've already thought of everything else. Are you saying you really wanted this, too? I can't get over it, Nora. Do you really feel the same way about me?"

"Yes," she said, and her eyes filled again. "You have no idea. I – I care about you so much. You think you're surprised – I thought it was just hopeless for me. I thought you'd never see me as anything but another little sister."

"No, not as a sister. Well, all right – I did, at first, before I got to know you. And then you were a friend, and then a very good friend, my best friend."

"How long have you felt – more than friendship?" she asked.

"I don't know exactly, sometime last semester, when I was starting to – get my mind back in order. Nora – this isn't a rebound thing. I wouldn't want you to think that. I know what I'm doing now – I know you're the one for me. We're so right for each other – Sorry, I wasn't going to say that; I don't want to freak you out."

She smiled at him. He could say a lot more without freaking her out.

"You're not, are you? You're not freaked out." For a minute, Nora thought he was going to kiss her, but he drew back a little. "How long have you felt this way about me?"

Oh no – she should have known he would echo her question. "A while," she said, dropping her eyes involuntarily, though she tried to keep them on his.

He didn't say anything.

"A long time," she added, helplessly. She really hadn't meant to tell him, but she couldn't keep anything from him – it poured out in spite of her. "Maybe a year – no – longer than that –"

"Oh, Nora."

"James – it's not really – I'd rather not talk about it.

"Okay, but – you should hate me. I don't have any excuse for being so stupid."

"Well, I don't hate you."

"I'm so lucky. I mean it. I am unbelievably lucky."

Nora had to reach for another tissue. She wished she could stop crying – she probably looked horrible, all red in the face and swollen. But when he said things like that, it was impossible.

While she was trying to blow her nose discreetly, the door banged and Alex came in. "Oops, excuse me," he said, and went upstairs.

"You know what?" James said, laughing.

"What?"

"It's just as well Alex interrupted, because – we're going to fail this art history test."

"Oh –" Nora smiled back at him. He was so gorgeous when he smiled, not to mention looking down at her like that, his eyes tender. She was melting. She could hardly remember what she was going to say, let alone anything she'd ever learned about art history. "Yeah, I kind of forgot about it."

"Do you want to try and get some more studying done before dinner?" James leaned forward and fished the textbook out from under the coffee table, where it had fallen with its cover crumpled underneath it. "Um, sorry about that – it doesn't look like you're going to get top dollar if you try to sell it back to the bookstore." He tried to smooth out the crease in the cover, but it was pretty bent.

"That's okay," Nora said, and laughed at herself. As if she'd be worried about the resale condition of her art history book, at a moment like this. "It's really okay."

When Alex came back down an hour or two later, they were nestled into the corner of the couch with the art history book open across both their knees. Nora had never felt less prepared for an exam in her life.

Alex raised his eyebrows at them. "O-kay. Um, are you guys going to dinner? Or do you want to just order pizza and make the poor delivery guy go out in the sleet, instead of us?"

"Pizza!" said Nora instantly. She felt like celebrating. "I'll call Beth and ask her to come over. I guess that means she has to go out in the weather, but anyway –" she got up, burning with embarrassment. Who knew what Alex was thinking, but James was going to have to explain it. The phone was in the kitchen, and as she left the room she heard Alex say, "James?"

Nora hardly knew what she said to Beth, except that she repeated herself several times, because Beth laughed at her for it. But when she went back to the living room the worst seemed to be over; Alex had relaxed into a chair, smirking across at James.

"Hey Nora," he said, when she sat down awkwardly next to James. "It's okay, James explained. You were starting to really scare me, though. I knew you two were close, but that's not exactly the way I sit with any of my girl cousins. I'm glad for you both."

James took her hand again, which only barely prevented her from dying of mortification. Fortunately, Beth and the pizza arrived at about the same time, which forestalled any more embarrassing moments, for a while at least. But considering James wouldn't let her sit at a decent distance from him, Nora knew she couldn't long escape explaining all over again to Beth. When she tried to sit on the floor to eat her pizza, he sat down on the couch behind her and pulled her back so she was leaning against his legs. It felt wonderful to be so close to him, but Nora couldn't fully enjoy the sensation with Beth giving her significant and very curious looks all the time.

When she got up to take her plate to the kitchen, Beth darted after her.

"Um, Nora?" Beth said, pulling on her arm to hold her back from going out to the living room again. "Am I missing something here? Do you have something you need to tell me?"

Nora was blushing so hard it was almost literally painful. "Yeah, I guess so. It just happened this afternoon, though."

"You and James."

"Yes."

"Wow. But you are cousins, right?"

Nora sighed. James was right, this was going to get awkward, having to explain all the time. "We are and we aren't," she said. "We're technically step-cousins. James's mom died in a car accident when he was really young, and my Aunt Elle married his dad a few years later. So we're not actually related by blood – we've just always introduced each other as cousins because saying "step-cousin" sounds so ridiculous. And you don't want to get into the details of family history when you first meet someone."

"Oh, okay. I was starting to worry that you were taking the Austen Society a little far! I mean, I think first-cousin marriage is still legal in some states, not that you're getting married or anything, yet –"

Nora giggled.

"I guess I should probably just shut up and say I'm really happy for you, shouldn't I?"

"You can say whatever you want, Bethie."

"Wow, you're just over the moon, aren't you? What happened to Nora, my serious roommate? All right Nora, come on, you can't just grin at me like that and not say anything. Dish, girl! What happened? When did you start liking him?"

"Um, it's been – quite a while actually –"

"Nora! How could you not tell me something like that?" Beth looked really hurt.

"I'm sorry – please don't be upset, Bethie. I just couldn't – I wanted to tell you so many times, but honestly I thought it was hopeless. I didn't think James would ever like me in that way, and I thought it would be easier for me if I just tried to forget all about it. So I never told anyone."

"If you had, I would have told you to stop being so silly. Why wouldn't James like you?"

"That's exactly my point. You probably would have tried to encourage me and I just didn't think I could stand it. I'm sorry – I was wrong, obviously. If I had told anyone, it would have been you."

Beth softened, and drew her into a hug. "Aw, poor Nora. You didn't have to be such a martyr, but I think I understand."

When they pulled away, James was standing in the doorway.

"I came to see what was taking you so long, and look what I find. I didn't think there were that many dishes. So you approve, Beth?"

Beth approved, it seemed, from the way she squealed and hugged James and then hugged Nora again.

Chapter 36

Posted on 2010-01-06

The next morning being Sunday, Nora met James for breakfast before church. Hardly anyone was up – Sunday breakfast wasn't popular anyway; and considering the sleet accumulation from last night, it looked like a good number of students had decided to attend the congregation of St. Mattress that morning. But from safely inside, it was a beautiful morning, the sun bouncing off the layer of ice that coated buildings and sidewalks. Stamping the accumulated slush off her feet as she entered the cafeteria, Nora met James's smile all the way across the room and felt warm right down to her half-frozen toes. They almost had the room to themselves, and as she sat down next to him with her tray (the usual cheerios and yogurt) he gave her a quick pat on the shoulder – a very James-like gesture, and one he had given her many times before. But it felt different this morning, more tender, more meaning. Nora gazed back at him mutely. She couldn't quite stop smiling; there were only smiles and bigger smiles.

"Still up for church, then?" he asked.

"If you think it's too icy to walk –"

"No, if you want to go, I wouldn't mind. I feel like it would be appropriate, somehow. But we don't have to walk. I parked my car on the street behind the student union."

They didn't talk much more over breakfast. Nora felt fuzzy-headed with happiness, and anything she wanted to say would probably have sounded completely silly.

In the car, James said, "You know, Nora, I've been thinking we should probably take this as slowly as we can."

She had been dreaming, looking at his profile. "Yes – the roads are probably pretty slippery."

He laughed. "I mean this, Nora," and he reached over and squeezed her hand. "I mean our relationship."

"Oh," she said, feeling stupid, and not sure what he meant. Was he having second thoughts?

"It's going to be tempting to – well, not to hold back, I guess. Considering I'm graduating in three months. And I told you yesterday – I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life. But that's all the more reason not to rush – we shouldn't cheat ourselves of letting things progress naturally, you know?"

"Yes – I guess. I'm not sure what you're saying."

"Well, for instance," James pulled into the church parking lot, stopped the car, and turned to face her. He flushed. "For instance, I really wanted to kiss you yesterday. It's not that I'm against kissing, not at all – when the time is right. But I think it wouldn't be right to – Ugh, this is so hard to explain. We've been such good friends. You're my best friend. We have all the time in the world to get used to being more than that. Does that make any sense?"

If Nora had thought about it, which she hadn't, rushing into anything with James would have been the last of her worries. It had already been so long, for her. She wasn't sure what to say. James was probably right, but if she was being completely honest with herself – she really wanted him to kiss her.

"Sorry, Nora, I probably shouldn't have said all this right now. I am freaking you out."

"No, you're not, really. I'm – I'm sure of you, too, James." She looked up at him, and he sighed.

"See? So tempting to ignore everything I just said." He moved a little closer to her.

She held her breath, but he looked at the clock in the dashboard. "We're going to be late for church. Why don't we talk about this more later?"

What a moment for church to interrupt! Nora knew she wouldn't be able to pay any attention to the sermon. It could have been about the sinfulness of kissing before marriage, for all she knew. She couldn't comprehend anything with James sitting next to her – it would have been difficult on this morning of mornings, anyway, but she was suddenly a little shaken in her certainty of him. Nothing could erase her joy, but it had a slight edge to it now. In theory, she'd always agreed with the idea of going into a relationship with caution and proceeding slowly. But now – she stared up at the pulpit and watched the pastor's mouth moving and tried to understand why she was so unsettled.

When they stood up to sing James held the hymnal for her, with a sidewise smile. Nora sighed inwardly, wishing she could sing better. James had a warm tenor voice and she almost hated to blend hers with it. She could stay on key, but that was about it. Jackie – Nora caught herself on the thought that Jackie's voice would have sounded better with James's. It didn't matter now, she reminded herself. James wanted her.

And that was the problem. Deep in her heart, she wasn't yet convinced he did want her. He'd said she was his best friend, that she belonged in his life. But she couldn't help wondering if he would ever admire her the way he had admired Jackie – he hadn't said she looked beautiful, not even that morning, though she'd picked her most flattering outfit for church. She wished she could know that he found her attractive, even if she wasn't as pretty or as talented as Jackie. If only he were a little less wise and logical about kissing her.

As they walked back out to the car, James took her hand, which made her feel a little better.

"I should call Dad and tell him about us," he remarked, opening the car door for her.

Nora forgot her worries about kissing and Jackie in a sudden nervous jump of her stomach. "Oh James – is he going to be upset?"

"What? Of course not. Why would he be upset? He adores you. Come over to the Sticks with me after lunch while I call him."

"Oh no, I can't," Nora said, mortified. What would Uncle Bill think of her? He might like her as a protege, but that didn't necessarily mean he would like her as his son's girlfriend.

But it was impossible to resist James's persuasion, so after lunch in the cafeteria with Beth and Alex ("Double date!" giggled Beth), she went. She sat fidgeting on the sofa while James called, blushing to herself while she listened to James explaining their new status. Despite the fact that she had lain awake last night for several hours relishing the phrase "James's girlfriend" in her head, she was not yet accustomed to hear it in ordinary conversation.

"Dad wants to talk to you," said James, holding out the phone. He grinned reassuringly, but Nora took it with trembling hands.

"Hi Uncle Bill –"

James put his arm around her from the side and rubbed her back. He probably meant it to be comforting, but Nora almost dropped the phone, her face so hot she was probably actually radiating.

" – exactly what I hoped," said Uncle Bill, unbelievably.

"I'm sorry, did you say – you're okay with it?" Nora stuttered.

Uncle Bill gave one of his resonant laughs. "Good lord, Nora! I couldn't be more pleased. I told James he'd better take good care of you. Don't let him get away with less than Olive Garden for dinner out."

Nora had been a little afraid of Jessie's reaction too – she thought Jess would be pleased, but she could be so forthrightly opinionated. If she weren't happy, or if she thought it was weird – who knew what she'd say? What Nora didn't expect was to get back to her room at Gordon and nearly be knocked over by Jess barreling into her.

"I knew it," Jess shrieked in Nora's ear, almost lifting her off the floor. Jess was strong.

"You knew it?" Nora gasped, pulling free with some difficulty.

"Okay, I hoped it. You're so much better for James than she was. Isn't she?" Jess appealed to Beth.

Nora still couldn't believe that the entire Bayfield family (well, except Megan) seemed to be so happy for her – seemed to want her to be one of them. After the first shock of finding James actually returned her feelings, when she had leisure to think about the Bayfield family, she had felt a little like an intruder.

Jess made her sit down and explain exactly how it had all come about. This was, of course, embarrassing, but Nora was beginning to enjoy the attention a little under the embarrassment. It was gratifying to have Jess and Beth squeal in unison when she described what James had said to her.

"Aww. I didn't think my brother had it in him to be so romantic," sighed Jess.

"Hasn't he ever dated anyone before?" Beth asked. "I always wondered."

Nora looked down. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer.

"Not really," said Jess cheerfully. "Not if you don't count her. That was just infatuation, anyway. Other than that year of insanity, he's mostly been disgustingly rational about girls."

Nora was pleased, but that nagging feeling of doubt returned. Was James being disgustingly rational about her? Being insane was bad, of course, but wouldn't it be nice if he were just slightly crazy for her?

Nora's family did not react nearly so satisfactorily to her news. It wasn't that they were upset, but mostly they were indifferent. Ruthie did send an email with plenty of exclamation points, but Nora's father just laughed at her, and her mother only said "how nice." Chris was pleased, but distracted by telling Nora all about the table he was making.

There was one more person Nora had forgotten, whose reaction she had not even thought to wonder about. Lee dropped her American Lit class the next week.

Chapter 37

Posted on 2010-01-12

With the art history exam out of the way, the next thing looming on the horizon was a literature paper. This one was for Dr. Whitefield, who taught the American lit survey class she was taking. He didn't seem to be quite as exacting as Janssen, but all the same Nora had been somewhat distracted from her studies lately, and it was high time to start working on an outline. Nora had her doubts about how much work she'd get done at the Sticks, but she had given in and gone anyway. If she sat in her dorm room she'd probably just waste time dreaming anyway. It seemed to be a chronic affliction with her this semester.

At the Sticks, she set her laptop on the coffee table and unpacked her book bag.

"Are you sure you don't mind? I'm making an awful mess," she said to James as he came down the stairs with his own computer. Her books covered half the sofa and she had her notes all over the coffee table.

"Let me see. Do I mind having you here with me instead of shut up in your room where I can't get to you? No, I think I'll be able to handle it."

She flushed, wondering if she would ever get over being shocked when James said things like that to her.

"Um, I should probably tell you," Nora said, scanning the index of her book on Puritan poetry. "Lee dropped my class."

"Good."

Nora looked up at him. "Did you say something?"

"No – well, yes, actually. Not to him. I said something to you. I think it was 'Nora, please go out with me.'" James looked smug.

"Actually it was, 'would you consider dating me,'" she murmured. The exact words were burned in her brain forever. "Do you really think that's why he dropped?"

"Douglas gossip travels fast, and it's kind of a scandal because everyone thinks we're cousins. I keep correcting people, but I can't keep up with the speed of rumor."

Nora giggled. She should probably be appalled about being a Douglas scandal, but James didn't seem to be bothered. In fact he looked even more satisfied than before. James being smug was adorable, she thought. It was hard to feel at all bad for Lee, anyway.

They worked in silence for a while. Nora was copying key quotations in below her outline when she felt James lean over behind her.

"You are the most careful writer I've ever seen," he remarked. "No wonder Janssen thinks you're a wonder student." He brushed the hair away from her neck and bent closer. Nora stopped typing as he pressed his lips to the side of her throat. She was suddenly hot, despite the draftiness of the Sticks living room.

"Nora?"

"Mmm?" she replied, trying not to sound breathless.

"What did you mean the other day, when you said you are sure of me?"

"Um. You know, like you said – I know – I know this is what I want."

"How do you know, Nora? Honestly I'm not sure what you see in me. I haven't given you the best example of making wise decisions, so far. Asking you out is probably the only good choice I've made in a year."

"James, I don't blame you for anything that's happened. And you're wrong if you think you haven't given me plenty of reasons to be sure of you. From the first moment, last year, when you stopped in the computer lab and I was upset, I knew what kind of a person you are – the kind of person who would go out of his way to help someone else."

He sat back a little. Nora couldn't read his expression. "When I helped you in the computer lab? I don't even remember – oh yeah, the first day of classes? That was nothing. I'm not that wonderful – you shouldn't be lifting me up like that."

"I'm not – I know what I'm talking about," she insisted, speaking faster in her effort to convince him. "I'm not saying I – fell in love with you right that moment. I suppose I had a crush on you, at first. But you've been a good friend to me – it's not your fault I wanted more. You're kind and generous, and you like the same things I like, and we have great discussions about everything –" she paused, catching her breath. "That's another thing. I felt like you saw me for myself. You always wanted to know my opinions."

"Except your opinion about the Cadwells," he corrected bitterly.

"Well, you didn't listen very well then," Nora admitted. "But you did ask me. The fact that you made a mistake about – about Jackie – that has nothing to do with it. Anyone can make a mistake."

"It was more than a mistake. I was choosing based on all the wrong reasons."

"But you can look back and see that."

"Nora, I don't even know what I'm doing. I went out a couple of times in high school, but nothing serious. And then – I wasted a lot of time going in the wrong direction. I know I was right to ask you out – that's not what I mean. But I might hurt you the next time I do something stupid. I can't trust my own judgment."

Nora hardly knew what they were talking about anymore. It had started to feel like an argument, and she didn't want to argue. She just wanted James to stop putting himself down.

"I trust you," she said.

James looked at her for what seemed like minutes. He put his hand back on her neck, playing with her hair. And then he leaned in, tilting his head. Nora felt as if her whole body was pulsing with the rhythm of his breathing. She thought she could feel his heart beating through his fingers. He paused, almost there.

"Is this okay?"

She tried to nod, but she wasn't even sure if she had moved before his mouth touched hers.

Nora had imagined kissing James, dozens of times if she was honest. But this – to know what he tasted like, felt like against her lips – it was more intimate, more alive, than she ever could have guessed. She couldn't stand it when he drew away, and she pulled him back for another kiss, feeling she could never be satisfied.

"So much for taking it slowly," he said when they broke apart. "I just couldn't help it, dear, you looked so sweet. You're really okay with this?" He laughed at her incredulous look. "Sorry, I guess that's a stupid question."

Nora loved that he called her 'dear'. It sounded slightly old-fashioned – so James. But he thought she looked sweet – what did that mean?

"What's the matter?" he said at her change of expression. "Talk, Nora – you're scaring me."

She said nothing.

"Come on, Nora. You have to talk to me. Something's bothering you. You have to get used to telling me things – you said you trust me, right?"

"I do trust you, but – it's embarrassing." She knew she was making it worse on herself the longer she delayed. "James – what do you see in me?"

He burst out laughing. "Oh Nora. Do you really have to ask?"

"Yes, I do have to ask," she retorted, a little indignantly. It was okay for him to have doubts, but not for her? "I'm always awkward, and I'll always be shy, and I know I'm not pretty –"

"What? Who told you you're not pretty?"

She stuttered, "No one – I just – I know I'm not. I have eyes. I'm just sort of normal-looking, not like J– like Jess or even Beth."

"Like Jackie? Is that what you were going to say? Is that what this is about?"

Nora bent her head, miserable, tears near the surface.

"Are you really doubting whether I'm attracted to you? Nora! I'm kissing you against my own better judgement, what do you think?"

She half-laughed in spite of herself, mortified and relieved at the same time.

"Who's asking stupid questions now?" teased James, pulling her closer.

"I know it's stupid. I just can't help it –" She couldn't quite joke about it yet.

"Nora, look," he said in a more serious tone. "I don't want to spend all our time together talking about her, but I don't mind if you have questions. I can talk about Jackie now, if that's what you need to feel secure. It's not painful to me anymore. If you're just sitting there internally comparing yourself to her and feeling inferior – that's horrible. You can't do that, Nora. It's not even the same kind of thing. What I feel for you isn't in the same category. You're not in the same category –" He broke off, looking frustrated. "This is ridiculous. I don't know what to say to convince you."

He leaned forward, cupping her head in his hands, and kissed her again, more deeply than before.

"I never did that with Jackie, or anyone else, if that's what you want to know," he whispered against her face. "You're beautiful, Nora. Just because you don't have the same kind of looks as someone else, or curly hair, or whatever it is that's bothering you – it doesn't mean you're not beautiful. You have gorgeous eyes, and I love your smile –"

Her lips curved involuntarily at the word.

"See?" said James. "That was the first thing that got me. The first thing that made my heart jump. Your smile, Nora."

She hid it against his shoulder.

"I probably shouldn't be saying all these things," James mused. "I just – no, I won't say any more."

"James!" Nora protested, exasperated. The exclamation burst out before she thought.

He pulled back a little, bewildered. "What?"

"It's just – we're friends, right? – and we have so much behind us. We've been through so much and that's – I don't know how to say this. It's sort of coloring everything. Maybe you should say things. Maybe we should say everything."

He paused for a long time. Nora's stomach twisted. Why had she gone and overcomplicated a lovely moment?

But James said, "You're right. You're right, Nora. Maybe I should start trusting you, for a change." And he kissed her, until she'd almost forgotten what they were talking about in the first place.

"I'll say it, then –" James whispered. "Nora, I love you –"

From: Jacqueline Cadwell (cadwellja@mstateu.edu)
To: Worth, Nora (nworth@douglas.edu)
Subject: Congrats

Nora,

Hi. It's been a while. What a stupid thing to say. I guess I don't really know where to start.

Congratulations on everything. I keep up on what's going on, you know. I heard you're in the top ten of your class, and graduating summa cum laude. That means something at Douglas. I should know. I hate a good many things about ol' Douglas, but I have to admit that means something.

I can imagine the way you're looking right now. No, I mean I hate it. I could pretend and say 'it just wasn't a good fit for me,' but really I hate it. I hate how uptight and snobby and full of themselves everyone is there. I hate more that they actually have something to be snobby about (not nearly as much as your Uncle Bill thinks, but enough). Ugh, I hate that I still miss some things about it.

It's just not the same here. No one knows you and no one really cares. It's nice if you want to hide. It's bad when you're lonely.

Well, that's enough obnoxious whining/philosophical musings from Jackie. It's not that bad, actually. I don't regret deciding to transfer. I couldn't have majored in entertainment management if I'd stayed at D. And since the classes are easier I have more time for what I really want to do. I've still got another semester to go. Douglas's great classical education didn't transfer that well. Not that I care. I'm not that excited about graduating. Not like you probably are. You have so many things to get excited about.

Like... you're getting married. Congrats on that too. It may not seem like it, but I'm honestly happy for you. I know you're a really decent person, Nora. You were always right for him. I think I knew that even at the time, because it annoyed me that you were so close – don't worry, I didn't ever suspect you of trying anything underhanded. You're way too nice for that.

I just hope you'll make it. The world isn't as nice as you are.

Don't feel like you have to write back. I know 'Cadwell' is still a bad word over there. I just thought I would let you know I'm wishing you the best. And believe it or not, I really mean it.

Jackie

PS Lee still talks about you.