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Romance & Part the Seventh

Or what our no-lives are planning on this Valentine's Day

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You like Jane Austen!
And I like you!

William and Lydia

(An e-mail to be sent an hour before dinner)
To: Lbynet@austen.edu
From: Wdarcy@austen.edu
Subject: Do you know what tonight is?

You...Me...Evita!

Jane and Charles

(A note on the whiteboard)
Janie~

Marian's out for another game tonight, so do you think you have time to catch dinner and a movie?

Charles

Bill and Mary

He didn't get her flowers.

She thought that was the most romantic, sweetest thing anybody had ever done for her.

Liz

Originally reading all books that would make her feel better and crying into tissues:

Pride and Prejudice
Bridget Jones's Diary
Bridget Jones Edge of Reason

All that Darcy...(OTHER circumstances will intervene as to make her feel incredibly different today (and to make the reader at ease, the authoress will tell the reader that they do not involve her getting together with William, so don't even think and hope))

George

Lab (he's becoming as bad as Karl)

Annie, Georgie, and Caroline

They ignored the stupid commercial holiday and did their usual.

Colonel and Lottie

They fought, but ended up engaged.

(I'll show the scene, don't worry...it happened, as it often does, in the bathroom)

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, ANGST!

Part the Seventh - Toothbrush (lots and lots)

February 14, 8:31 a.m.

She put aside the toothbrush, having finished brushing her teeth.

Disgusted with her contacts, she put them aside and decided to wear her glasses to class. It wasn't as if anyone noticed her anymore.

Liz checked her reflection as Georgie entered. "Hello Liz."

"Hey..." she said.

A month ago, both of them would have cringed upon seeing Liz dressed the way she was right now: jeans and an old worn hall sweatshirt. Fifth South's mascot, a Yapping Goat, smiled snidely. On the back, a map of the hall, with the names of the residents.

William was close to her left shoulder blade. And that was as close as he was ever going to be to her heart, apparently.

Liz sighed as she finished brushing through her hair, and checked her reflection.

"Date tonight?" Georgie asked, sadly already knowing the answer.

Liz shook her head, keeping silent.

"Care for company on the way to class?" Georgie asked, as she finished fluffing out her hair.

Liz turned to her newest friend. "Sure."

"I have to get my stuff, so I'll go by your room in 5-10 minutes?"

Liz nodded, and continued to comb her hair into a low, lifeless ponytail.

Lydia entered, hair in a storm. She had not gotten any of her physics p set she had tried to do last night done. It was due tomorrow, so it was all right.

But that Madonna's "Get into the Groove" rung into her head, even after she had turned off the music, was not all right.

It simply didn't go away anymore.

It was everywhere...the beats, the words, spiraling about her, until she wanted to coil up into a little ball. Madonna haunted her in her sleep.

She was more than addicted; she had to listen to the beats to keep thinking.

It was a sweet lullaby at first.

Now, following her too classes, persisting during her exams...Lydia could not shake it. She was going to crack, wasn't she?

"Have to get away, have to get away..." she muttered as she splashed water on her face.

Liz turned to the frosh. "Are you all right, Lydia?"

Lydia turned to Liz, eyes hollowed.

Liz frowned. Despite the obvious jealousy she felt for the freshman, no one deserved to look so ragged. "Lydia, you need some rest. Stop listening to the Madonna..."

Lydia shook her head. "Can't..." She put her hands to ears, went to sink, ran water, and slowly let the ice cold water run through her hair. Would it wash away the music? Please?

Liz frowned, going to the girl. "Just breathe..."

Lydia let tears come to her eyes. "Don't make me listen...please don't make me listen..."

William now entered the bathroom. Upon seeing Lydia in the sink, he ran to her side. "Lydia...are you all right?"

"What does it look like, William?" Liz glared, her intense passionate love (momentarily) forgotten. "She's OD'd on Madonna..."

"Can't listen, can't listen..." Lydia said.

"She needs a vacation," Liz said, "from YOU."

William frowned. "If she took a holiday..."

"Took some time to celebrate!" Lydia completed the Madonna lyric, eyes widened. "I'm ready for the next."

William's eyes lighted with pleasure. Liz scowled. And Lydia fell against the sink once more. "No NO NO NO!!! GET IT OUT!!!"

William's arms went around Lydia's frame. "Come on, Lydia. You can get up. We can get through this...we can, we will."

Lydia looked up at William, and recoiled. "Don't touch me anymore William. Leave me alone. You scare me. You SCARE me."

William's eyes narrowed. "You helped me make the scrapbook. We had lots of fun. NO ONE WALKS OUT ON ME AND MADONNA."

Lydia turned to him. "I'm sorry, William. I really like you, and Madonna, but I just don't think this will work out. I mean, you're a really neat guy, and she's a talented artist, and I want us to be friends."

William shook his head, with a bitter laugh. "I don't think we can be friends, Lydia."

"Then so be it." With tears in her eyes, she ran out, leaving the era in her life of William and Madonna. (She was 15 minutes late to lecture, but she was better; making the clean break was the first critical step in her recovery.)

Left alone, William simply stared at the spot Lydia used to stand. Liz crossed her arms in front of her. William straightened. "What do you want, Bennet?"

Liz simply shook her head. "You don't understand, do you?"

"I understand perfectly. She was not worthy of me."

Liz's mouth dropped. "I cannot you believe you are such a jerk! Had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner, you might still be friends with her."

"I don't want to be. She's not worth it."

Liz poked her finger to his chest. "Listen well, buddy. That girl liked you. There are not many girls who will claim that." Me included. "You had a friend, and it's obvious that you are not ready for one. Grow up, William," she stormed out the bathroom.

9:25 a.m.

Louisa silently prepared for her day, groggily trying to remember what went on the toothbrush. Oh. The toothpaste.

Karl soon joined, yawning, and after noticing Louisa in the bathroom, turned and left. That was a problem he did not want to deal with.

Louisa, satisfied that she had at least an effect on him, how found herself humming Madonna. She never liked Madonna before, but for some reason, it wouldn't get out of her head. But that was all right; she liked it. She liked it a lot.

10:32 a.m.

"Come on shower! Open!" Caroline said to the doors, chants under her breath.

Her class began in half an hour. She had already missed one by accident this morning. She was not about to miss the next one. Oh DEAR.

Annie entered now, swearing in her worst Italian. Noticing Caroline in the room, however, she toned it down; she had to be considerate of others...

Wow! What a nasty taste in her mouth! Being considerate of others? Annie laughed at herself, but remained tactful with her language as she continued with the morning's preparations. Taking out her toothbrush, she put on the toothpaste.

The door to one of the showers opened, and Mary came out. "Good morning, Mary. Thanks, Mary. Bye, Mary," Caroline said, as she shuffled past her into the shower room.

Mary smiled confusedly, and smiled to Annie in warm greeting. She'd taken to Annie the most out of the frosh. She seemed to be the least silly. "Hello, how are you?"

Annie spit out her toothpaste and smiled casually. "Great, of course."

Mary smiled her pretty teeth.

Annie stared in wonderment. "Mary, your teeth are absolutely stunning..."

"I should hope so. If they weren't, I'd have to brush them six times a day! Must keep the mouth pure," she left.

Annie stared after Mary, and looked at her toothbrush with wonder. Wow. The power to keep one's mouth absolutely pure. Reverently, she reached for the toothpaste, and decided to brush her teeth again.

Lottie came out of the other shower. "Oh, bonjour! Happy Valentine's Day!"

Annie smiled back. "Oh yes, it's that holiday again, so soon?"

"Yes, do you have plans for tonight?"

"Nah," Annie shrugged, going back to brushing her teeth. "You?"

Lottie smiled widely. "Yes. But you will find them out later."

Annie spit out her toothpaste. "Really? Is something awesome going to happen?"

"I hope so." Lottie gushed. "It makes me very happy."

Jane entered, cheerfully dressed in stunning red sweater and jeans, smiling widely at Lottie, hugging her. "I haven't seen you in forever. You and Colonel are always out or hiding from us! Are we that horrible?"

"No, we're around. It's all you and Charles..." Lottie teased.

Jane's face paled.

Lottie pretended she did not see the change in color, and continued casually. "I saw the whiteboard message...it appears he was out early today."

"Yes, big test to prep for, and he felt he needed some more review before he took it this morning..." she checked her watch. "...which is now. I'm to think about him now and wish him luck."

"Can you ever stop thinking about him?" Annie teased laughingly after she spit out her toothpaste. Oh my! Did she just tease? She had to stop all these friendly remarks from coming out. Caroline's evil influence, she glared at the closed shower door. She'd stop talking before she said anything else that friendly.

Lottie was about to tease Jane as well...until she saw Annie's smile. "Annie, I must say that your smile is absolutely stunning. Your teeth..."

Annie couldn't help it. She had to say it: "I should hope so. Must keep the mouth pure!" With those words, she left.

Lottie looked after her, and decided to brush her teeth immediately.

Jane followed suit, though she had already brushed her teeth this morning.

12:00 p.m.

Oh no! He'd missed the first two lectures! (Fifth South has now become notorious for its over-sleeping occupants...not unlike any other college dormitory, though.)

Bill threw water in his face and ran out the door.

The blur was amusedly noted by Colonel, who had decided to skip classes today; there were only two, and he was a second term senior, after all; the classes were not going towards his degree or his major...they were just some classes he had thought were interesting...sort of. He was not in the mood to deal with them today.

Today was Valentine's Day. He was going to propose to Lottie once more. It was a sweet romantic gesture. But those other times he'd proposed, he never thought he'd actually have a chance. Now, well, they were actually on excellent terms.

And he was very much afraid and full of angst over the whole dilemma. If he proposed, and she turned him down...well, he'd ask again, but the question would be...when?

Maybe it'd be wiser not to propose...

But...

4:45 p.m.

"Must brush teeth." Annie muttered.

Jane joined her, and jumped back in surprise. "I was about to brush my teeth too."

"I can't see why I need to brush my teeth, but I just feel unpure..." Annie said.

Jane nodded in sympathy.

Liz entered now.

"You're looking hot tonight..." Jane winked, talking through toothpaste accent. "Taking advantage of William on the rebound?"

Liz frowned. "Nah. Not worth my time. Not worth the effort. Have a date tonight with a nice guy. Do you know Robert Martin?"

Jane's eyes widened, and she spit out her toothpaste before she could choke. "Robert Martin?"

"It's time I started dating again. Well, Robert doesn't have as much money as my usual dates, but you know...he's a nice guy. You know, target practice," she winked, and left the bathroom.

"I don't like this, Annie," Jane said, as she put more toothpaste on her brush, sure that a double brushing would be even more purifying.

"I don't either. The minty taste of this toothpaste is getting to me." Annie spit out the toothpaste, and proceeded to put more on...she'd get more tomorrow. They had other flavors for this kind of thing, right?

5:17 p.m.

Lydia slipped into the bathroom, tired, rubbing her eyes.

Lottie brushed her teeth. "You're awake."

"I got some sleep. Liz tucked me in after I got back from classes with some Enya and I slept soundly...I feel better now."

"I am glad for you."

"But I have other issues to deal with now..."

"Ah...the other girls..." Lottie said wisely.

Lydia shrugged helplessly. "I don't know what to say to them. I know we've been distant, but...I know it's partly my fault, but you know, it was all so fast, and Madonna was really cool, and William was nice and stuff..."

"I'm sure if you just talk to them you'll feel better..." Lottie said. "I'd help, but I have to look stunning tonight..."

"You always look stunning..." Lydia sighed worshipfully. "Lottie, how can I be like you?"

"Keep your mouth pure."

6:04 p.m.

Lydia brushed her teeth vigorously. She'd gone back to her room and contemplated Lottie's words. And decided to purify her mouth.

The world was a better place once one purified one's mouth.

She could face any problem.

Annie, Georgie, and Caroline entered the bathroom. "I'm telling you, purifying your mouth makes you feel so much better..."

Lydia paused in her actions, meeting Annie's eyes in the mirror. She wasn't expecting to face the problem now.

Lydia spit out her toothpaste, and straightened.

Caroline looked between the two. "Oh come on, just hug and get it over with! You know you want to forgive each other!"

Georgie leaned against the sink. "And you know she was under the influence of my brother, who is, I always thought, a very deceptive sort of person, not to mention very selfish. She couldn't help it, Annie."

Annie looked at her former friend, and Lydia met her eyes warily. "I'm sorry, Annie...I let a guy come between us, though in a different way from what we had always laughed about..."

Annie remained silent. Lydia held her breath.

"Did it have to be William, though? I liked George more; I don't think I would have minded as much. You and William are just...wrong," Annie said.

Lydia laughed, and threw herself into her friend's arms. "Thank you!" She stood back. "I like George more too, but we're not going to be able to do anything about that."

"Now, we're going to brush our teeth...you want in?"

Lydia smiled her sparkling teeth. "I already did, but I think I can do it again. It never hurts."

9:03 p.m.

William finally realized the effects of what happened as he was sitting in his room listening to "Time Stood Still" by himself. Saddened, he went to brush his teeth: he lost Lydia! And he was once more very much alone.

It was not was fun.

George came in, and noted his cousin's fallen features. "What's wrong, William?"

William turned to George. "Lydia left me."

George frowned. "Sorry bud, that's the way women often are."

"I should have seen it coming..." he shook his head. "I just tried too hard..."

George tried to sympathize, but found he had no idea what William was talking about. After all, he'd never been in a relationship before. And so, he chose to just be silent. That was the best and only way to deal with problems he didn't understand.

William continued. "That will be the last time I ever take on a protégé."

George's eyes widened. "What?"

"Lydia. I mean, she's entitled to her thoughts. She needs to be someone else, I guess. I should have known she'd never be me, but I thought that maybe perhaps...well you know, she was in need of guidance."

George's eyes widened. "Be you? Wow, William, I don't know much about that stuff, but I don't think you should do that. Lydia's a sweet little thing. Not much for being hammered into a form, and...sorry to say this bud, certainly not yours. Lydia is simply beautiful the way she is. She'll catch a guy herself some time."

William stood, in deep contemplation, with shaving cream still lathered on his cheeks. George continued his morning preparations.

"Why won't you go out with her?"

George turned to William. "Are you out of your mind?"

"No, I'm serious. You just said she's very beautiful. I certainly don't think she's beautiful; pretty, perhaps, but not beautiful. So your simple appreciation surely means that you deserve her."

"Oh, so now I must deserve her."

"Well, she is a close friend of mine, or...was. She'll come back. Madonna always gets them back. And when she does, I'll take better care of her."

"I hope you don't try to turn her into you again. And keep this silly nonsense about her and me out of your head!" George exited, leaving William deep in thought.

George and Lydia would be a good pair. But he remained alone. ALONE. That didn't bother him before. But alas, William did not have much time to think alone, for Louisa entered the bathroom, and started brushing her teeth.

There would be no privacy for him here, so he left.

10:34 p.m.

It was a pretty decent date. But it was so obvious that Robert was on the rebound. He sobbed through half of the date. Such a sad boy. She ended up consoling him half the dinner, which made her feel better. But she had her hopes up; she was now ready to move on, and she wanted to make the break clean. William was not worth it.

Discovering Georgie brushing her teeth, her brow furrowed. "What's with the brushing teeth thing?"

"Keeping my mouth pure," she responded.

Liz rolled her eyes. "You don't expect me to believe that, do you? Really, what are you doing?"

Georgie looked up, and then looked at Liz. "I have absolutely no idea. It's the third time I've brushed my teeth since around six...this is ridiculous."

Liz nodded. "Are you feeling better now?"

"I need air."

"Good idea. Let's go for a walk."

"Now?"

"I am going to treat this floor to a lot of candy tonight. I want you all to get cavities. Come on. I need some extra arms at the store."

"Sure!" Georgie said. "Let me tell the others I'm going..."

"Ask them to come along too...this candy raid will be enough to undo any "purifying" crap you've been doing all day."

The women laughed, and Liz continued as Charles came in. "I'm going to change. You get the girls and we'll meet at my room in 5 minutes."

Charles went to the sink. "I hope you're not brushing your teeth..." Liz warned him, as the ladies laughed and exited.

Charles looked after him. Liz, she was gorgeous tonight. He ought to have been able to appreciate it.

So why was he not?

Frustrated, Charles continued to wash his hands. Commitment to one woman was imminent. And Marian was a very demanding girlfriend.

Marian was very pretty. She was very creative, and full of energy. Dancy, blowsy. And a great hockey player.

But whatever he felt for her was cramping his style, certainly. The attraction he felt for other women was reduced to bits.

The bathroom door opened the door, and Jane entered. All thoughts of Marian slipped out of his head. "I hope you're not brushing your teeth," he warned.

She protested. "I must!" She went to her cubby, grabbed her toothbrush and toothpaste, and moved to the sink.

Charles intercepted, and tried to take the items out of her hands. She fought him, but he knew her weakness; he grabbed at her waist. She leaped in a tall jump and dropped her items. He bent down to grab them first, and she, of course did as well.

Now, after all this time of developing such a strong friendship, and feeling small nuances of attraction, they should already be together or something like that. And it was a mistake on the part of the authoress's laziness that she had not yet tested Charles's feelings for Marian until now.

But she will make it up now. In once cliché action: They're hands bumped as they reached for the items.

And they found themselves holding hands. Staring into her eyes, Charles realized why he didn't find any other women attractive.

"You win," he cleared his throat, getting up immediately. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed now. Night," he almost ran out.

Jane looked up after him, confused. She didn't feel like brushing her teeth anymore.

11:36 p.m.

She brushed her teeth, and felt the aura of toothpaste about her. Mary sighed, content.

Bill came in, disheveled, and her eyes glowed. She spit out the toothpaste. "I've never seen you so tired and disheveled."

"Yeah, well...I got up too late...we were out pretty late last night, Mary..."

She nodded.

"I've been thinking, Mary."

She nodded.

"We can't work."

Mary's face paled. "What?"

"You see? My beauty?" he gestured to the mirror. "I...I am not pretty anymore..."

"You're prettier than anything I've ever seen ..." she said.

Bill laughed a bitter laugh. "I didn't think you'd understand. But understand, Mary, my career will always come first. I need to watch out for myself. I'm sorry. We'll have to break up."

Mary's eyes teared up, and she turned away.

The bathroom halls echoed with laughter of silly women high on chocolate and candy around the corner in the lounge. Mary hated them.

Who could be happy now?

What was she supposed to say to this? Turning to him, she slapped him. "Jerk!" and she went to console herself with chocolate; who cared about pure mouths when one could not even take care of one's heart?

12:07 a.m.

The evening had gone well, Charlotte mused, as she washed her hands. But she was frustrated. WHY HADN'T HE PROPOSED? She had expected him to, tonight. It was...it was a typical Colonel thing to do.

He entered now, ready to take his shower. She watched him in silence, staring at his back in the mirror, willing him to turn to him and ask her to marry him. DO IT YOU IDIOT!!!

"What?" he turned around.

She jumped. Did she just say those words aloud? She glared at him. "As if you didn't know..."

"What?" he asked.

"You were supposed to propose tonight. Why didn't you?"

Colonel, taken aback, looked at her. "I was scared."

"WRONG ANSWER! Did you just decide to be charming this past term for kicks?"

"Well I didn't want to ask you again because I was afraid you'd say no!"

"What kind of an excuse is that?" she yelled. "I was expecting a proposal tonight. I was going to accept it, and we were supposed to live happily ever after!"

Colonel's face reddened in exasperation. "Well fine! You want a proposal, you got it! Do you want to marry me?"

"Of course!" she shouted back, angrily.

"Fine!" he held out his hand.

She took it, shook it with a heavy angry motion. She then started towards the door.

"And take the stupid ring too!" he threw it after her.

Oh my. People were funny indeed. The bathroom, however, took a minty breath and sighed in happiness. A wedding! Would it happen in the bathroom?

(Authoress's answer: NO!)

Machinations & Part the Eighth

Or how the Authoress got some annoying things done

The occupants of Austen's Fifth South are now well into their second term, and only have a little less than two months left in the year. The authoress must step up the pace to ensure that our occupants will find a fulfilling and somewhat satisfying ending to the year. (It doesn't always happen, but this is a story, and it MUST have an end.)

So, in order to ensure that our characters resolve their conflicts before the summer (it does spoil quite a bit of vacation if one has a rain cloud of thought looming over one's head) the authoress must use a plot device in order to put our characters in contact and conflict with each other.

As the women of Fifth South can boast the cleanest and purest teeth in the whole dormitory, it could be that they continued brushing their teeth all the time, but Liz has already saved everyone from that dire fate.

So, the authoress must find another plot device, and in this case, it will be fruit rollups. (Disclaimer: The authoress does not own stock in anything to do with fruit rollups, (she does not even own a single box of them now, for in the last 24 hours, she has finished (with help) two boxes!) She does not claim to own the idea of what a fruit rollup is, so please don't sue.)

(Oh yeah, same works with Madonna, and any and all songs referred to in this story. I wish I were her, but I'm not. Grrrrrrr)

Fruit rollups, a staple of the authoress's diet (hehe), are of course very sweet, fruity, addictive, and STICKY in the mouth, clinging to the corners of one's mouth. The obvious solution, of course, to this problem, is to brush one's teeth!

And so, the residents of Fifth South, after seeing Liz eat fruit rollups one day in the lounge (that day is forever known as BLACK DAY to the Bathroom of Fifth South), all developed sudden and urgent cravings for the delectable fruity delight.

And hence must go to the bathroom more to brush their teeth!

Yay plot devices!

Secondly: (in which the authoress singlehandedly makes the reader like William and makes George fall head over heels in crush with Lydia)

William Darcy felt sincerely bad for what he had done to Lydia, and decided that he'd help her out; George would be a great guy for her.

The Yapping Goats' (Fifth South's team) last D-league hockey game of the year took place on a Friday in late February.

During this game, William shoved Lydia into George. As both were average skaters, they were able to avoid each other, Lydia avoiding George and William both, for she recently decided that she hated men.

However, even the professional could not avoid the combination of William's brute force tactics and horrible skating. (Here the authoress uses another trite plot device to get things going...)

William was falling down anyway, and fell in Lydia's way. Lydia swerved to avoid him, and in turn ended up smacking against George full force, and as they fell down to the ice, she decided to take the brunt of the fall, because he was a better player, and he'd get injured if she didn't block it. She certainly did not care for his health!

Her devotion to the well-being of the hockey team touched him. And he immediately decided that he was in crush with her! (Certainly not in love yet! He wasn't that kind of guy! But at least he was on his way!)

And so, without further ado, the authoress allows the men to make fools of themselves in person!

Part the Eighth - Crush - Brush, the authoress meant.

March 24, 8:23 a.m.

She brushed her hair back, and sighed.

Where had all her hair elastics gone? She suspected that the many people down the hall stole them to bundle up their stashes of fruit rollups.

Sighing at the latest fad she had started, she turned to the stocking she'd found in her drawer. At least it had pink polka dots.

She tied it into her hair, flinching.

William, who now was brushing out the fruity sticky flavor from his teeth, now turned to her. His eyes lit up as they focused on the stocking in her hair. He almost dropped his toothbrush.

He saw 80s Madonna in Liz! How could he not see it before? The starter of trends in their hall, like fruit rollups! The gold digging "material girl"!

He watched her leave in awe.

Liz was Madonna.

80s Madonna. His favorite Madonna.

Louisa now came in, cursing the stickiness in her mouth. It was entirely too early to be eating fruit rollups, but who in college cared when they ate as long as they did?

She had to get going...there was much to do today. And she was determined to borrow Sense & Sensibility from the library! All her come-on lines with Pride & Prejudice had failed miserably. She'd enjoyed the story, too, to be sure; she'd decided more than ever that Liz and William ought to have been together by now. But that was impossible.

The tones and sparkling wit in those lines were enough to hook her into Jane Austen, at any rate; Karl had good taste in books.

And now, she was on to Sense & Sensibility: if she did not find any clever or witty come on lines, maybe, as the title implied, she'd find some sense.

William remained rooted in front of the sink, doing nothing but gawking at the air.

It was his business. She'd stay out of it.

9:13 a.m.

Jane smiled as Lottie danced into the bathroom. "How are you this morning?"

"It's spRING, my dearest. The outside is getting more and more beautiful as I go outside. The happy RINGing in the ears must be echoing down the halls, my dear Janie, I am so happy," Lottie said, the sparkling diamond on her left hand refracting the light and reflecting beams of pretty light that caressed the bathroom's wall softly.

She was rarely anything else; really, happy characters like her could become boring if they just kept on gushing and gushing...

Or perhaps Jane was just bitter. Bitter that Charles had taken to avoiding her now. Every time he came close to crossing paths with her, he blatantly ran away.

No wonder he had gotten lost in Sears in his youth; he was very skilled in hiding and running away.

No, Jane wasn't bitter. "I'm not bitter!"

Lottie turned to Jane, now aware that the girl was not spinning as much as she was. "Of course you're not, cheRING,, I meant cheri. I know what will make you feel better; let's get you some fruit rollup..." she started to guide Jane out the door, when the door opened and Charles started to enter the bathroom. However, upon meeting Jane's eyes, he paled, and turned and ran.

In response, Jane wrestled herself away form Lottie's arms and attempted to catch him. (She could not; he was, after all, a really great sprinter. One of the best at the college, in fact. Jane was a distance runner. She couldn't get spring into the first burst of speed...)

9:53 a.m.

Lydia brushed her teeth.

What she didn't know certainly didn't hurt her; George Wickham was hiding behind one of the doors to the shower stalls, and watching her actions reverently. She did not see him; George was awfully good at hiding.

Oh what a goddess! The way the toothpaste foamed in the corners of her mouth, the way her full lips curved when she spit her toothpaste out...George clutched at his heart.

He was well beyond the attraction he'd initially felt for her now. Since the last D-league hockey game, he was absolutely in awe of her; her beautiful face, her sparkling eyes, and her blatant attempts to ignore him.

For he was certain they were attempts; or at least he hoped they were. She was very good at them now; he really should have fallen for her at the beginning of the year, though; she was so much easier to read then.

"Good morning, Annie," Lydia greeted her friend, who now came running into the bathroom.

Annie smiled. "It's a pretty day, isn't it, Lydia? I finally finished my economy size box of fruit rollups; that's the last time I get "fruit punch and watermelon." No, give me my strawberry any day."

Lydia nodded in agreement, and continued to apply the lotion to her face. Her DEAR face... George took in a breath.

Lydia was happier than she'd ever been; while she never fully got over George, she was ready to move on, having achieved as much resolution as she thought she was going to get. And, she and Liz were going on a double date with the Ferrars brothers that night!

When Lottie entered the bathroom, having finally calmed Jane down and kicked her out the hall to get to class, Lydia smiled enthusiastically, and took Lottie in her arms and started to waltz.

"My, you're a happy little thing aren't you? You've got my stomach stirRING around...I ate too many fruit rollups while forcing Jane to not obsess and to get dressed. The poor deaRING..."

Annie sighed. Engaged folk, she rolled her eyes...lack of good English and propensity to speak in weird psycho tongues. "Well, I plan on showeRING now...so if you'll excuse me..." she moved to one of the shower rooms.

Colonel now entered, and kissed his fiancée on the cheek. "Morning, darling, how are you?"

Lottie could not contain her excitement for seeing her fiancé the second time that day (she'd woken him up an hour earlier) and threw herself into his arms. "Wonderful, now!"

Lydia would have sighed in happiness and appreciation, but the scene was old to her now. A month old. (And for that, the authoress realizes she has absolutely nothing more to say about the couple; they kiss, they cuddle, and Lottie gushes. That's about it. So they will not be present in the rest of this part.)

George admired the way Lydia's eyes shined in her slight irritation.

Not knowing the door would be swung in towards him, as Annie entered.

She jumped back and almost let out a shriek.

Lydia turned to Annie, and George took in his breath and then ducked away from sight. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Annie replied, and went into the shower stall, closing the door after her. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" could be heard bouncing off the walls.

Lydia turned to the shower and shrugged, and left.

Annie opened the door, and seeing that Lydia had left, led George out, pinching his ear, and looked at him, challenging him for a logical reason for his being in the shower room.

Colonel and Lottie were oblivious to it all, as they admired each others' teethbrushing tactics. Oooohhh...inside and then outside...and saving the incisors for last...

George shrugged, looked at his feet.

"Why don't you do something about this mess?" Annie asked. "I'm getting sick of walking into you in the shower."

Mary now entered to give George a moment to retreat to his room. Maybe he ought to bring a shrubbery into the bathroom. He could hide behind that instead, and avoid the whole mess with Annie and the shower. But alas, Mary would not like that.

Mary went to the sink, and brushed her teeth. "Good morning, Annie."

Annie smiled back. "You could say that, but I wouldn't." With that, she turned back to the showers, and entered, relieved that she had the stall once more to herself. Lovesick men she rolled her eyes.

Bill came in, and paid no heed to Mary, who automatically left the bathroom. The pain in her heart made it unbearable to be around him; how could one's first brush with love be so devastating? The relationship lasted all of a month.

Mary had never been in a relationship before; Bill was everything she didn't know she could hope for. Heartbroken, she went to dwell in her angst and cry in the privacy of her room. She'd later to go the now growing topiaries and dwell there; she always found solace in the trees. They were as imprisoned as she was now...now that her heart had been taken away.

Bill had an appointment today with another agent; his former agent was not suiting his needs properly.

1:52 p.m.

Louisa stood at the sink, reading Sense & Sensibility as she brushed her teeth.

Karl now came in, and smiled at her reading. "You're adorable, like that..." he leaned against the doorframe.

Louisa jumped; she did not expect to see him. She spit out her toothpaste, and turned to him. "I am?"

Karl entered the bathroom, and smiled. "You look a lot better, Louisa. I don't know. There's something different about you. Anyhow, want a late lunch?"

"Would I?" she smiled beautifully.

"Well, you know, no one else is home right now...and I must eat."

Louisa's expression slightly fell but she ignored it as she called upon the image of Elinor Dashwood. She would be all right. "All right, then."

She followed him out, but not without hugging her book. Thank goodness for a heroine like Elinor Dashwood!

5:23 p.m.

Jane leaned against the sink, tired from running around, trying to catch Charles.

She splashed water in her face, shook herself out of it. When she saw him now, she did not even think; she simply ran after him.

That was not very smart, as the same thing always happened; he'd get away, and she'd end up tired.

Liz, who stood next to her in a stylish burgundy gown that brought out the rich hues in her eyes, let her brow lift as she examined her mouth. "You're never going to get him that way..."

Jane turned to Liz. "I don't know of any other way. He's hooked on Marian. He's determined to have her, I think..." she said, exasperatedly, sadly. "I just want to catch him long enough to get him to tell me that I have absolutely no chance. And Marian, well I haven't talked to her since before this whole mess. Does she know all the mysterious details of his life? Being raised by clerks? Sounds awfully risky to me; I wouldn't want to be with him if I were her. Who does Marian think he is, anyhow? For all we know, his parents could be pirates! Has no one warned her to stay away from him?"

Liz laughed.

William, who stood next to her, trying to look diligent in his teeth-brushing activities, hissed a breath. So beautiful. Even without the stocking in her hair. Granted, the gown was not quite of the Madonna style, but nevertheless, he could not have pictured Liz in a more beautiful gown.

"Let him come to you. He'll come when he's ready to talk. He runs because he doesn't know what to say. So until then, let him decide what he wants, and you can try your hardest to make sure that he decides it's you, or let the situation decide itself; if you're sure of the feelings that he feels for you, then you've got to let him be. No more chasing Charles. You've got to make him express himself," Liz said, coloring her mouth a dark red; Edward Ferrars liked the demure type of women, right? Well, too bad; no concessions. It felt great to do whatever she wanted. "Don't settle for second best. Put your "love" to the test," she admonished Jane.

William choked on his toothpaste, watching the woman in silent wonder. The lyrics of Express yourself were never uttered with such conviction, nor on such full and soft lips.

For he certainly thought Liz a lot more kissable than Madonna.

"I'm impatient, Liz." Jane sighed.

"Well, then. I have to go to a formal now, but once I get back, we'll hunt him down and tie him up." Liz winked.

Jane smiled. "Thanks Liz, but you're right; tying a guy down isn't really my idea of getting a fair answer."

Liz turned to Jane. Did she say that? Oh well, she was going to run late; where was Lydia?

Lydia now entered, in a black dress she'd borrowed from Georgie, smiling at Liz.

"You look absolutely stunning, Lydia, doesn't she, William?"

Gasp. Madonna spoke to him. William stood frozen in position.

Liz turned back to Lydia. "It's a good sign. He's just speechless and rooted to his spot out of astonishment of your beauty."

Lydia nodded nervously. Her first date. Ever. She was glad it was doubling with Liz, who seemed very protective of her. In many ways, Liz reminded Lydia of all the good qualities in William. And Madonna. (She started listening to regulated amounts of Madonna once more, under her friends' supervision...Madonna always gets them back...)

Liz was surprised when the frosh started hanging out with her a lot, but was not displeased. Lydia, she found, was not as horrible as she had imagined. Her previous jealousy had prevented her from being anything near civil before.

But at Georgie's insistence, Liz gave Lydia a chance, and loved her to death. No wonder William took her in so easily; Lydia was so incredibly spineless and sweet.

Georgie now came in, and admired both ladies. Caroline and Annie followed, taking in a breath at all the sophistication in the room. "Wow, you look like the covers of magazines!" Caroline exclaimed.

Georgie nodded approvingly. "Nice, ladies."

"Are you sure you don't want to come? Mike Palmer and Ben Willoughby are also available; we could get another guy, and we'd all be sure to have a great time."

Annie laughed. "We've got other plans this Friday that include movies and fruit rollups..."

Liz rolled her beautifully penciled eyes. "Why did I ever start that craze?"

Georgie came forward and kissed Liz on the cheek. "You'll be great tonight, Liz. I'm so happy for you."

Georgie's encouragement had been very essential for Liz, who had a strange characteristic instilled in her; the need to have a Darcy approve of her. As William she was wont to ignore and pretend the nonexistence of, she trusted Georgie.

Georgie examined Liz. "You need something. You need a necklace! Oh I know!" she left.

Caroline simply clasped her hands in front of her. "I hope to go to a formal like this one day...just as pretty as you. At home, we never had anything so elegant. There was the square dance...of course, but it was never..."

Liz smiled.

George now entered, following Georgie, trying to look casual about his bathroom visit. His eyes lighted on Lydia, but he hid his regard.

Annie wanted to strangle him; if she weren't sworn to secrecy, she'd tell her friend immediately of the junior's crush, confessed to her the first time she'd caught him in the shower stall.

Georgie smiled at her cousin's obvious regard for her friend, but impatiently waited for him to do something about it. It was about time he felt something for her, though. For now, that would have to do. "Here, try this necklace..." she said to Liz.

Liz looked at the diamond and silver that Georgie now fastened around her neck, and took in a breath. "Georgie, this looks expensive. I didn't know you had such..." (She was still not aware that the Darcys were actually quite rich.)

Georgie laughed. "I have expensive tastes."

William was beside himself with happiness! Liz wore the necklace he'd given Georgie for her sixteenth birthday. Madonna in his jewelry.

Liz shifted uncomfortably, and finally realized why her spine rattled this whole time; William Darcy was staring at her. Clearing her throat uncomfortably, she turned to Lydia. "We should get ready. The men will be here soon."

Lydia nodded, and followed her out.

Georgie glared at her brother, and the two other freshwomen watched her with interest and amusement. "Why did you have to do that?"

"Do what?" William asked.

"Stay away from Liz, you've done enough." Georgie said, protectively.

11:34 p.m.

Charles washed his face. It had been an exhausting day.

It must have been all the sprinting he was doing.

"CORNERED!" Jane jumped into the bathroom, standing at the exit.

Charles jumped, and looked around him helplessly. What a fool he'd been to try to come to the bathroom on his own, but George was away somewhere, and William, well the door was closed and Madonna was blasting, and therefore Charles had decided that even if he tried to interrupt, William would belittle him about his cowardice, and send him away without a companion to the bathroom.

They ought to start a bathroom buddies program in this dorm. A person very much alone in the bathroom could slip and fall, and no one else would be around to help. Or some psycho girl could chase you down.

Jane sighed, and leaned against the door. "What's wrong, Charles? I told myself I'd be patient and wait until you came to me, but it's been a month. I'm not here to force you to a decision," she said, remembering Liz's words. "I came to tell you how I felt. I thought I'd be generous and let you decide on your own what you wanted first, but I can't be like this anymore."

Charles gulped, eyes widened. "Don't say it, Janie. Don't spoil it."

It did not deter Jane, who stood her ground. "You can't hide from it anymore."

Charles covered his ears and started singing, "'Cuz we are living in a material world and I'm a material girl..."

Jane went towards him and pulled his hands from his ears. "You have to listen..."

"I'm not listening!" he sang loudly.

Jane proceeded anyway, hoping he'd somehow hear her. "I've fallen for you. It may be love, and I thought you ought to know that..."

"On top of Old Smoky...all covered with Cheese..."

"Charles! You idiot! What do I have to say to get through to you?" she asked, exasperated, ready to cry now. This was not working.

Finally she gave in, and decided to let him have his way. But not without one last statement. She let go of his arms, and wrapped hers around frame. Her fingers curled into his hair, and she drew his head down to hers, and kissed him.

It would be superfluous to say that Charles stopped singing. But the authoress will note that anyway.

His arms remained at his side, frozen in astonishment.

Jupiter! That was the only word he could think at the moment. Jupiter!

Jane drew back, letting his lips go, but not letting go of his gaze. Triumph was supposed to curl a smile on her lips, but she could not feel it. In that kiss, she felt a lot more than she ought to have, and she doubted it was the sugar buzz from the fruit rollups; it was love.

(Authoress notes: not every one falls in love in college, by the way...but for all intents and purposes, the people of Austen House have the special ability to meet and fall in love...)

Jane cleared her throat, which was now very pained having just realized that more was at stake now than just the thought that he'd be cool to be with. "Night, Charles."

She ran out of the bathroom and into her room, slamming the door. A noise that echoed in the bathroom, where Charles stood, stunned.

2:34 a.m.

Georgie washed her shaking hands. So much energy! She could not sleep! And she was sleepy! She was sure of it!

Liz sighed, entering the bathroom in her pajamas. She took the girl into her arms.

"Georgie, I have to take away your fruit rollups. I'm sorry, I know this will hurt, but you have to understand it's for your own good."

Georgie's eyes widened with fear, but as realization that the young woman was right, sighed. "You're right, you're always right."

"Yes, indeed I am. I have to be. Once Lottie leaves, Jane and I essentially become matriarchs of Fifth South. We have to take care of our charges..."

Georgie sighed smilingly, dreamily. "I like you, Liz. Why can't my brother fall in love with you?"

Liz laughed. "Don't worry about it. I am sure that I don't care about that anymore. It's done, Georgie."

William entered, and Georgie burst out into tears. "He's such a jerk!"

William went to his sister. "Who?"

"Don't cry for me, Georgie..." Liz said. "You're just tired. Come, let us tuck you in..."

Don't cry for me Argentina! She was just so full of insight and wit and knowledge, even in such sad situations. Oh, the dear Santa Evita Madonna Liz! William almost clutched his heart. How beautiful she was, acting all beautiful and maternal like that.

William stared at his reflection contemplatively in the mirror. When had he ever come to admire Liz so ardently?

Liz now came back, Georgie having been tucked in, and proceeded to the sink, where she resumed washing her dishes.

The fluorescent lighting fell on her features. Liz was a brunette, and not very much like Madonna in any of her brunette phases. But nevertheless, her features were...gorgeous.

The way she so confidently handled her dishes. He bet Madonna never did dishes...

He watched her in awe.

"What?" she turned to him. He'd been looking at her oddly all day; it was if she had toothpaste streaks in her hair.

"Er...Come here often?"

2:54 a.m.

He ought to go to bed, but he'd spent the last hour pacing outside of Lydia's door, trying to decide whether or not she was awake, whether or not he ought to go in and talk to her.

Five minutes ago, Madonna was turned off, and George knew she was going to bed. He ran into the bathroom as fast as he could.

She now came in, smiling and dancing in small secret circles. What a marvelous evening! Dates certainly had their plus sides.

George decided to stand his ground this time. "How was your evening?"

"Wonderful!" Lydia sighed. "I went to the Chi Nu Lambda formal with Liz and some guys. It was so much fun!"

George tried to keep the smile in his eyes.

As an afterthought, Lydia turned to him. "How was your evening?"

"Ohh...good. Productive."

"Great...good night George," she said, walking out the door. She was way too tired for conversation now.

"Um...night," he said, watching her.

3: 34 a.m.

William threw water in his face.

It must have been the fruit rollups.

In the last hour, he must have hit his head ten million times. Come here often? How stupid could he be?

And what upset him the most; in the last fifteen minutes, he (authoress turns away from the computer to type this part) found himself sick of Madonna! If he heard "VOGUE" one more time he was liable to go insane.

Of course, he'd recover in the morning and be just as devoted as ever; phases like this happened.

But for now, what surprised him was that his extinguished love for the rock star did not wane his admiration of the woman who lived across the hall from him.

And with a sinking feeling in his stomach, he dreaded acknowledging what his instincts and his heart were telling him: he was in love with Liz.

His admiration for a woman never surpassed what he felt for Madonna. The simple fact that Liz was like her in so many ways...and so different...

Liz was from Michigan, like Madonna. She was...well everything about her behavior was saturated in Madonna's words. But...

Liz smiled so...brightly. It affected him deeply when her eyes flashed. Eyes, he noted, that were not shaped as Madonna's, nor even the same color. Liz had a love for the floor. Madonna would never know Austen House's Fifth South. Liz was content with what she did. She did everything with the same passionate love as Madonna did. Only, the interests that Liz had coincided, he found out that afternoon, with his.

Liz was beautiful. Liz was smart. Liz was accessible.

The accessible had a lot to do with it, but William was a lot more romantic than this story has depicted him to be. (It's not much of an accomplishment to be more accessible than Madonna.)

He whole-heartedly loved Liz, and at this moment, his heart did whisper that the whole of their interactions, from the time they had met in this bathroom for the first time, moved towards this one moment. Every word forgotten by his mind was imprinted in his heart.

At any rate, he was in love. With Liz.

Obsession & Part the Ninth

Or What To Do During Spring Break

Regardless of where one went, though, an idle mind does not a vacation make. One worries about all sorts of things: am I doing the right thing? Is my major right? Did I remember to lock the door before I left the dorm? Will they leave my fruit rollups?

What was our band of demented heroes and heroines thinking of?

You asked for it. And even if you didn't, the authoress does not care.

Done in internal monologue style

Annie: (while making some of her super-secret spaghetti sauce one evening for dinner) So much corn...where is it? There should be corn somewhere. Caroline would hate it here. I miss corn. Caroline's corn muffins, corn bread. Mmmm...I think this spaghetti would taste better with corn...

Bill: (while standing at a mirror, admiring himself) I'm so beautiful..........................yeah..........................

Caroline: (while playing with her cat) what a nice kitty...I wonder how fast she burns her calories...I wonder what the equivalent K is of her legs...they are awfully springy...

Charles: (while trying to play basketball with his little brother) Jane...Marian...Jane...Marian...I wish I were a one woman guy. Jane. Janie. She's so pretty. I like her. She kisses nice too. Jupiter. Yeah.

Charlotte: (while admiring her ring during a photo shoot) I miss my Colonel. Three days, two hours, five minutes and thirteen seconds until he picks me up at the airport...

Colonel: (while trying to concentrate on pushups) Steak. Hamburger. And then a rack of ribs. And for dessert, maybe spaghetti.

Elizabeth: (while on a date with an old acquaintance) I should return those khakis. Pay attention to this guy, Liz. But he's so boring...if he were W-I mean, wiser...grrr...Liz, I thought we thought it over before...

George: (while sunning himself on a cruise in the Caribbean) Benzene...Lydia...I meant benzene...oh it's no use; I can't concentrate on anything but her! I can't get her out of my head anymore; George, face it boy...it's time to own up to the fact that you're no longer in crush with her; you're in like.

Georgie: (while trying to concentrate on catching up on lit readings) How to keep William from Liz...he's going to do something stupid, I'm sure of it.

Jane: (while in a blue funk trying to concentrate on TV (ha!)) I've seen this episode of Matlock before...the aerobics lady did it. Charles, I wonder what he's doing now. Is he thinking of me? Please? I hope he is. If he isn't...oh I can't believe I kissed him. Way to go, Jane. And Marian will kill me too...

Karl: (while washing test tubes) Fourth rinse...Fifth rinse. There. Next test tube.

Louisa: (while trying to concentrate on small talk at a party) I wonder what comes next. Lucy's such a leech. Oh I hope Edward and Elinor are together in the end...hm...can't finish the book too soon, though. I haven't borrowed Persuasion yet...should have borrowed more books...

Lydia: (while walking back from the Darcys' home) Finally...I feel free. I always felt so...watched at Austen House...I don't know why or how...but...what a relief. New York City is such a safe place.

Mary: (while freeing the fresh grass clippings left on the driveways in smothering plastic bags for the compost people) Run! Fly away free! Wheee!

William: (while trying to do anything) COME HERE OFTEN? HOW STUPID CAN I GET?!

After returning, all thought out and replenished, Liz proceeded to start the next lame trend...

She had volunteered to join in the college tradition (sounds weird, but college traditions are often weird, though the authoress admits this takes the cake...and the cookie) of weeding the football field. However, Liz, being a very good spoiled young lady and gold-digger for the first twenty years of her life, did not know how to weed.

Surfing the web, she'd tried to find websites for weeding. Exasperated at not finding what she wanted, she tried the last ditch effort (and it's been done this way) of "weeding.com".

However, as she typed the word, she was interrupted; Georgie and Caroline had just returned from their spring breaks and were stopping by to lurk, as frosh with nothing else to do are prone to do.

Liz, too happy to realize the grievous error that was about to occur, mistakenly typed "wedding.com". The web site loaded, and the two freshwomen cooed.

As it was spring and everyone in the world seemed to be happy and getting ready to get married, combined with Charlotte's own upcoming wedding, of course the frosh started to look at wedding gowns on line. (BAD OBSESSION...AKA "prom dress obsession" for anyone who's already had prom.)

This has nothing to do with the bathroom, but is rather amusing. There will be snippets of conversation revolving around the lacy and frilly costumes of our wonderful institution of love.

Continued In Next Section