Beginning, Section II, Next Section
By Teg
Posted on Wednesday, 24 February 1999
The chanting had continued all through the night outside the front doors of Pemberley. Hundreds of women, seated on the lawns, in the shrubbery, all waiting and hoping for a glimpse of Fitzwilliam. The Colonel had mercifully managed to sequester himself in a remote part of the house, and gained a few hours of sleep as a result.
The same could not be said for the other residents of Pemberley.
"I can't take this anymore!" Darcy growled. His head was still suffering the ill effects of the day before, and the chanting voices from outside permeated the halls and rooms of the vast house.
The hour was still early, but Darcy knew that his aunt, stationed in the room adjoining his, was a light sleeper, so his movements as he crept from his own room were light and calculated to make no noise at all. With stealthy steps, he made his way down the long hallway, around the corner, until he came to Miss Bennet's door. A soft knock and he heard a faint 'Come in'.
"Oh!" she exclaimed upon seeing him in the doorway. "I thought you to be the maid!" She pulled the blanket up around her chin, eyes blazing.
"I beg your pardon," Darcy said quickly as he turned to face away from her. "I couldn't sleep. The events of the last day have been playing in my mind for hours." He studied the grain of the wooden door as he tried to formulate his next words. "I was hoping to be able to speak with you privately before the others arose." The rustle of the bedclothes was proving a great distraction to his thoughts.
"One cannot get much more private than a lady's bedchamber, Mr. Darcy." came her soft voice from behind him. There were more rustling sounds.
Darcy felt the heat rise in his cheeks. "Again, I beg your pardon for the intrusion." He swallowed with some difficulty, as the rustling sounds drew nearer to his position at the door. He closed his eyes in an effort to shut out the distraction, but an image of his beloved Elizabeth came immediately to mind. Opening them once again he stared at the door, placing a hand on it for support. "What I wished to say..... that is...... I'd like to..... Elizabeth, when the arrangements for the ball are complete, I'd like to simply leave the others to it. I'd like to go..... I'd like you to go with me to...." He stopped as he felt a hand on his arm and Elizabeth pulled him around to face her.
He sighed in relief as he saw that she was dressed, properly dressed.
"And just where did you wish us to go, sir?" she enquired innocently.
Darcy nearly melted in the warmth of her gaze. "What?" he asked, totally losing track of his train of thought.
"To Longbourn, perhaps, to see my father?" Elizabeth continued to hold his gaze.
"Yes. Yes, to Longbourn." Darcy said, mesmerized. Then he shook his head. "I mean, no. Not to Longbourn."
Elizabeth's eyes widened. "Not to Longbourn?"
"No."
She looked at him, a bit confused. "Where, then?"
"Scotland."
"Scotland." she repeated.
"Yes, Scotland. Gretna Green." Darcy looked at her intently, awaiting her reaction.
Elizabeth said nothing for what seemed like an eternity to the man standing before her. Then her lips parted and the words rushed out.
"Why wait until the ball? Let's go now!"
Darcy's smile lit up his face. "I'll go pack and be back here in ten minutes!"
Elizabeth nodded. Before he could open the door, she planted a kiss on his cheek. Darcy paused, looking into her expressive eyes. Then he took a deep breath and slipped into the hallway.
"What do you think you're doing?"
Darcy nearly leapt out of his skin at the sight of his cousin, Anne, not more that two feet away.
"Darcy! I asked you a question." Sickly or no, Anne's voice commanded attention much like her mother's.
"I.... I.... I...." Darcy's voice trailed off.
Anne shook her head, smiling. "I know what you're up to."
Darcy drew himself up indignantly. "I think not. Do not jump to conclusions, Anne."
Again she smiled. "Take me with you, then." Darcy simply stared at her. "Take me with you or I wake my mother right now."
Darcy grabbed her by the hand and hurried back to his room. Once safely within the confines, he sat her in a chair and, himself, took the chair opposite. Anne looked at him in amusement.
"You must understand that I cannot take you with me, Anne."
She continued to gaze at him unperturbed. "Darcy, I want escape from my mother's overbearing, dictatorial ways. I want to live a life of my own. I want you to help me."
"Your mother would send the militia after us!" he cried, then cast a worried look at the door connecting his room to Lady Catherine's. In a hushed voice he continued. "Besides, how would it appear, for me to run off with two women?"
Anne's smile broadened. "Ah, but here is the best part of my plan! It will only appear that you have run away with me! And that Miss Bennet has retreated to her room in her grieved state. Besides, I can act as Miss Bennet's chaperone on the trip, and no-one would be able to accuse you of compromising her honour."
Darcy frowned. "You have obviously given this some thought, Anne. How on earth did you expect to be able to carry it off?"
"Oh well. I knew you were hardly likely to wait around Pemberley until after the ball, with my mother breathing down your neck, and Miss Bennet tempting you at every turn. Not to mention that repulsive Mr. Toddles!" Anne shivered in revulsion. "No, it was plain to me that sooner or later you would hit upon the idea to run off to Scotland with her. I just kept my eyes open and waited."
Darcy was in turn shocked at the transparency of his feelings, and amazed at the tenacity of his cousin. "Very well, Anne. What is our next move then?"
She leaned toward him and spoke so quietly that even Caroline, with her ear to the keyhole, couldn't hear a word.
Drawing back from the door in frustration, Caroline mused over the bits and pieces she had managed to overhear, er, hear. It had been Darcy's raised voice, uttering something about the militia being sent after him, that first drew her to the keyhole. Then she had heard Anne de Burgh's voice: Run away with me. Run away to Scotland. And Darcy's reply: Very well, Anne.
"Oh, no!" Caroline whined. "He couldn't possibly be considering eloping with his cousin! That bump on the head must have addled his brains! Oh, I must save him from such a terrible mistake!"
She ran off in search of her brother.
Barely an hour later, Mrs. Reynolds was seen ushering three junior servants into the Master's chaise and four, loudly instructing them to "be about your business quick, like. No dawdling. The Master will need those things immediately to prepare for the ball." The hordes of women encamped on the lawns couldn't see the misty eyes of the housekeeper as she watched the chaise depart up the drive. Nor could they detect the huddled form of Colonel Fitzwilliam, tucked into the trunk strapped to the back of the carriage.
Caroline was still arguing with her brother, entreating him to do something to save his friend from the clutches of that woman!
"Caroline, Caroline! Darcy would no more run off with Miss Anne than he would marry y–, uh, Lady Catherine!" Charles Bingley declared. "I don't really see what your concern in all of this is. Anyway, Darcy told me himself that he intends to announce his engagement to Miss Bennet at the ball."
Caroline looked at her brother in exasperation. "You are totally useless!" she huffed, and turned away abruptly to the door.
"Where are you going now? Don't be bothering Darcy with your silly notions, Caroline."
"I have no intention of seeing Darcy. I'm going to see his aunt. I'm sure she will have something to say about this!" And with that she left the room.
But Caroline's news seemed to have the opposite effect of the one she intended when she at last managed to impart it to Lady Catherine.
"Oh, he has finally come to his senses!" cried the older woman. "I knew Anne would prevail in the end. Well, actually I had severe doubts, but that's of no consequence now. The point is that he has honoured his mother's wishes and whisked my darling Anne off as his bride. It was a narrow escape from that conniving young woman, but all's well that end's well." She peered closely at Caroline Bingley. "And you say that Miss Bennet keeps to her room above stairs? That she is to ill too make an appearance below? Too ill, indeed! Too embarrassed at having been caught out, most like!"
Caroline felt rather ill herself. Darcy out of her reach, Anne de Burgh in the place that should rightfully be hers....... She suddenly felt a little more sympathy for Eliza Bennet. But it was short-lived. Especially in view of the fact that Toddles entered the parlour at that very moment.
"Miss Bingley, how delightful to see you."
Caroline cast him a look that would curdle milk. "Perhaps your sparkling wit would be better put to use in cheering up Miss Bennet. I understand her to be feeling a little under the weather in light of Mr. Darcy's imminent departure."
"Departure? Darcy? What on earth could you be meaning?" Toddles waddled over in her direction.
Lady Catherine spoke up from her lair in the corner. "He has taken my Anne off to Gretna Green to marry her, Toddles. My nephew has finally realized the value of his mother's and my schemes, er, plans for the two of them, and has dutifully carried them out."
Toddles stood with his mouth open for several minutes, then scuttled away without so much as a by-your-leave.
Not ten minutes later he was found by Charles Bingley, curled into a pathetic ball outside Miss Bennet's room. In his hand was a crumpled bit of paper.
"Toddles, what is all this fuss? What is it, man?"
Toddles held the paper aloft, narrowly missing Bingley's left nostril. Bingley grabbed it and scanned the contents. His right eyebrow rose. His left eyebrow rose. He looked at the huddled man at his feet.
"Have no fear, Toddles. I'll take care of this!" Bingley strode quickly down the hall in search of Georgiana.
Toddles looked up and wiped his nose on his sleeve. A sudden determination gleamed in his eye. "I haven't lost her yet. Oh, no Darcy. Not yet. Let's see how you handle this!" With that, the little man hurried off to his room to compose a letter to Mr. and Mrs. Bennet.
The express rider reined in his mount at the front door of Longbourn, both panting with the exertion of the trip. The housekeeper met him at the door and exchanged a few coins for the small piece of paper in his hand. She then carried the paper to the door of the library and knocked. When the voice within answered, she entered and left the missive on the desktop before retreating, closing the door behind her.
The peaceful quiet of the house was shattered moments later by a loud cry of "NEVER!! NEVER, NOT IN A THOUSAND YEARS WILL I PERMIT IT!!!!" and the library door flung violently to, crashing out and back to the doorframe once more.
"FANNY! FANNY!" Mr. Bennet shouted. "This is your doing, I know it! FANNY, WHERE ARE YOU?"
Mrs. Bennet peeped her head out from around the sitting room door. "Whatever is the matter with you? Have some compassion for my poor nerves! All this loud banging and crashing, shouting and brou-ha-ha. I cannot stand it, no, not one little bit! Pray, dear husband, tell me what is it?"
He waved the paper under her nose and stared down his own at her. "Why only that my Lizzie has been carried away to Scotland by that.... that.....that arrogant Darcy fellow. Who knows what may befall her! Toddles writes that there was much subterfuge, and that Lizzie had been tucked safely in her room to all intents and purposes, when suddenly it was discovered that the two of them were gone! And upon interrogation of the servants it was discovered that Darcy and another person, unknown at this time but probably in his employ, and dressed in servant's clothing had bundled a third person, my Lizzie!, into a carriage which was seen tearing off in the direction of the north road! I tell you Mrs. Bennet, when I get my hands on that man...... Argh! I must be away to Scotland at once. Perhaps there is still time....."
At that, he rushed upstairs, calling for his man to pack his things, ready the horses, bring the carriage round... "Don't be all day about it, man!"
Mrs. Bennet looked back at her other daughters assembled in the sitting room. Jane's eyes were big and round, unable to believe a word of the story. Kitty looked frightened, Mary about to present a sermon, but Lydia..... Lydia merely breathed a sigh of relief, thinking I'm glad I didn't run off with George when he suggested it! Lord, what a fuss! Who would have thought it of Lizzie, though!
Then Mrs. Bennet clapped her hands together gleefully. "Oh what a wonderful thing for my Lizzie! Imagine, girls! Ten thousand a year! What jewels, what clothes!"
"What an arrogant snob for a husband." Lydia muttered.
"Oh Lydia," her mother admonished. "You must keep your mind on the important things. What riches your sister will have! Oh, I can't wait to see his estate!"
She continued on in this vein long after the front doors had slammed shut behind her husband's retreating form, and he was well on his way to Scotland.
To Be Continued.......
By Bodecia
Posted on Thursday, 4 March 1999
Upon reaching Gretna Green, Mr. Bennet began the search for his favorite daughter. Noticing a constable on the street corner he at once secured his aid in the search.
"Constable, please can you aide me in recovering my daughter" he asked breathlessly, "she has been abducted by a horrible man, who is making her marry him under duress."
The Constable, Mr. Doone, having listened to Mr. Bennet's plea agreed to help him locate the couple.
"Sir, I myself have a favorite daughter, Lorna, whom I would hate to have in such a situation" he replied. "Of course I will aid you, come lets go to the License Bureau."
Mr. Bennet followed the kindly constable to the office of the local License Bureau. As soon as they entered the office, the clerk turned to greet them.
"Welcome, may I be of service?" he asked.
Mr. Bennet, catching his breath, agitatedly replied, "Yes, a gentleman and lady would have arrived here earlier today, did you give them a license?"
The clerk scratched his head then said, "Hmm, a couple did come in nearly an hour ago, they seemed in a great rush. I sent them to the chapel on _____ Street."
Mr. Bennet felt ill, as he continued questioning the man, "And what names did they give you?"
"Why I believe it was a Mr. Fitzwilliam…"
Before the clerk could finish Mr. Bennet was out the door of the office with the constable close on his heels.
Mr. Bennet was moving at a quick trot down the road before the constable caught up to him. "Please sir," he panted "we have time, I know Mr. Graves and he seldom gets to the church before noon."
On hearing this Mr. Bennet slowed his pace down some as he neared chapel. Suddenly a large coach came speeding up to the door of the chapel. As it came to a stop the door opened and a body, which Mr. Bennet recognized as that of Mr. Toddles, came tumbling out.
Splat!
Mr. Toddles found himself face down in a puddle as first Caroline Bingley, then Lady Catherine exited the coach walking over him.
"Thank you, Toddles" was all Lady Catherine said to him as she ran for the door of the chapel.
Mr. Bennet, on witnessing this sight, nearly forgot his mission. But he was soon brought back to reality as Miss Bingley cried out, "Mr. Bennet! Thank God you are here to stop this catastrophe."
Grabbing him by the arm, Caroline jerked him toward the chapel, nearly knocking Lady Catherine down in the process. The couple at the altar seemed quite oblivious to the commotion going on behind them, as they were locked in a passionate embrace.
"Oh No!" screeched Caroline, leaning on Mr. Bennet for support.
The couple startled from their rapture, turned and looked at the odd group assembled before them.
"Good God, Anne not Richard!" screamed Lady Catherine as she fainted dead away.
Anne, smiling at her husband said politely, "May I introduce you all to my husband Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam."
Mr. Bennet, freeing himself of Miss Bingley, walked toward the newlyweds and asked, "But where is Elizabeth and that that Darcy fellow!"
"Oh, are you Mr. Bennet?" Richard inquired of the gentleman standing before him.
"I am, and where is my daughter?"
"Why didn't you get the express she sent you?" Anne queried.
"Express, what Express!"
"Why, Miss Bennet wanted your approval before marrying, so she and Darcy sent an express asking you to join them there at her Uncle's house." Anne replied.
Toddles, who had been watching the whole episode unfold, stood in the back of the chapel with a devilish grin on his face.
By Eva
Posted on Friday, 5 March 1999
Mr. Bennet was relieved to hear that his daughter had not eloped.
"I knew my Lizzy would never do anything to disgrace our family. I shall go to London direct and see her."
Toddles cleared his throat (an absolutely disgusting noise, by the way) and said sanctimoniously-
"I hope, my dear Mr. Bennet, that you will properly chastise your daughter for running away from her fiancée. I know that you would oppose the match in any case, but if you feel unwilling to punish her, I would be glad to do the honours, especially since she is engaged to me, I feel it my duty to punish her."
Mr. Bennet had achieved the glazed eyes that he always got when Toddles was around.
"Oh, yes, yes, anything, just go away!" he said.
Toddles jumped in the air with elation, hopped into the carriage he'd just been unceremoniously ejected from, and set off post haste for Cheapside. Just what type of punishment he was thinking of would be best left to the imagination.
Once Toddles had gone, Mr. Bennet shook himself awake, and ran back to his carriage. "To Cheapside, and at once!" he cried. "I must save my daughter!" Caroline followed him, and got in the carriage just as it was moving off. "I must save my darling Darcy!" Lady Catherine remained with her daughter and new son-in-law, a little miffed at what had happened, but what happens between them is another story and will be told another time.
Meanwhile, back at Pemberley, the hordes of young women were at a loose end now that their Messiah had gone. They knocked down the front door and searched the house for him, but obviously he was nowhere to be found. The servants tried to stop them from destroying the place, but they could not be stopped from tearing down curtains, pulling books off shelves and other nasty stuff in anger at the departure of their leader. Mrs. Reynolds, after many failed attempts, decided that only one thing was to be done. As the master had taken one carriage, three servants the chaise and four, and the other carriage was in for repairs, she was forced to take a horse. Riding bareback and astride, she made her way to London to seek assistance.
By Jen R
Posted on Friday, 12 March 1999
Mr. Toddles arrived and descended from his horse, which neighed in relief at being released from so heavy and clumsy a load. He made his way to a small shop in a less than reputable area of Cheapside.
At the ringing of the bell at the door, a woman of indeterminate age and definite uncleanness looked up to see a somewhat greasy man enter hesitantly.
"Good day, guv'nor. How can I serve ye?" she said, rather surprised to find such a well-dressed man in her establishment. Not that his clothes were particularly attractive-in fact, he sported an orange tie and a maroon jacket-but they were cleaner than she was accustomed to. As she ruminated, she realized this was the first instance of a man entering her shop alone. Men never seemed to need what she offered.
Not, she thought with a grimace, that I've ever wanted what the scoundrels offer me!
"Ah... well... you see, my good woman," mumbled Toddles, "I hear your shop specializes in... that is to say--"
"We tailor fine corsets for young ladies, sir, and beggin' thy pardon, I'm not sure ye've a need for such underpinnings." Here, her expression changed. "Unless ye've a taste for such clothing yerself... 't wouldn't be the first time!"
Toddles' eyes widened. "NO! No.... it is not for myself. There is a young lady of my acquaintance. I should like to purchase her some... ah, unmentionables, and I've been told you trade in Florentine leather garments...."
The woman smiled knowingly. "Nudge-nudge! Wink, wink! Say no more...."
Elizabeth paced the floor of Mrs. Gardiner's sitting room.
"Papa, how could you doubt him so severely?" she said. "Perhaps I did not always love him so well as I do now. But in such cases as these, a good memory is unpardonable. And to think him capable of such a transgression! He, who has always prided himself on his upright behaviour! Papa, you have judged him far worse than I ever did.
"Would you have objected, if you had not first suspected his guilt?" Lizzy bit her lip. "I suppose I shall never know." She looked sadly at the empty room.
"Perhaps not, my dear." Startled, Lizzy turned to see her father at the door. "But now that I know your true heart, I feel easier about the situation. After all, I am well aware that one's heart can change."
As he held his daughter, Lizzy did not notice the strange light in his eye.
Miss Bingley crept into the library, and rejoiced to find Mr. Darcy pacing alone. It is not for nothing I have stalked him for all these years, studying his habits.
"Mr. Darcy!"
He jumped up. "Miss Bingley, I was not aware you were in London. I trust you had a safe journey?"
"Mr. Darcy," purred Miss Bingley.
"Miss Bingley, I do not--"
"I was so very glad to find you had not taken leave of your senses after all. Marry Miss Anne, at Gretna Greene! I greatly pity your Aunt Catherine for the whole affair."
"Indeed. Miss Bingley--"
"The moment I discovered you were gone, I realized I could love only you."
"Now there's a surprise," muttered Darcy.
"What did you say, dearest?" Miss Bingley crept forward like a contented orange tabby.
"Nothing of import. Miss Bingley, may I remind you that you have a most promising engagement to Mr. Toddles. Have you set a date yet?"
"Ah, my dear, always worrying about propriety. I assure you, I am willing to forget my engagement if you are willing to forget yours."
Darcy frowned. "The only day I would be willing to forget my engagement is the day I fulfill my promise to Miss Bennet. If you will excuse me."
"But lovecup!" shrieked Miss Bingley, running after Darcy into the hall. "Think of what beautiful children we could have!" Darcy turned to look at her.
"If children are all you want, I suggest you discuss your reproductive urges with Mr. Toddles. He would make a wonderful mother!" he called as he strode away.
Hearing this last speech, Mr. Bennet looked at his daughter with a quizzical look on his face. "Can it be that Mr. Darcy has learned to laugh at himself? If this is so, you are better suited than I could have hoped. You have my blessing."
Elizabeth smiled. "Perhaps he has learned to laugh at himself to some small degree. But he will not be such a proficient as we two without careful instruction!"
Mr. Toddles made his next stop. "Engaged to Mr. Darcy? Her father on the point of approving the match? Inconceivable!"
"Sir," the apothecary said, "I have no idea what you are talking about."
Mr. Toddles looked up nervously. "Oh, ha, silly me! What I meant to say, of course, is that I should like to buy some iocane powder."
"I am sorry, sir, but a gentleman came by a short time ago and bought my last portion of it."
"You are out, then? cried Toddles. "That is totally and in all ways inconceivable!" He turned to leave, but then returned and asked "What did he look like?"
"Tall, dark, well dressed. Perhaps you know him? I believe his name is Mr. Darcy. My second youngest daughter cannot stop talking about him."
"Ah," said Toddles. "Thank you, then, I shall not need anything more. Goodnight, sir!"
So it's a battle of the wits you want, Darcy. Well, I am ready.
By Marks
Posted on Saturday, 13 March 1999
Toddles Dresses Up
The first package had been requested by Mrs. Gardiner:
PARSONS' PURGATIVE - THE EFFICACY OF EPSOM SALTS AND COD LIVER OIL COMBINED - THE ORIGINAL "DOSE OF SALTS"
The second package in a similar container had been requested by Mr. Bennet, but was a little more puzzling:
INGROM'S IOCANE - THE BRIDE'S FRIEND.Mrs. C. Of the Parsonage, Hunsford, Kent writes of Ingrom's Iocane - "I can't remember a thing of my wedding night! Hallelujah!"
Mr. E Of the Parsonage, Hartfield writes - "For two whole hours, I never heard the words 'Maple Grove' or 'Caro Sposo'
Mr. B of the Parsonage, Mansfield, writes - "Fanny and I both used your product, and can't remember a thing of our wedding night.
Mr. and Mrs. T of the Parsonage, Woodston, write - "The container of Ingrom's was just the right size to stick under the wobbly leg of our marriage bed and almost assuredly prevented a severe case of motion sickness and carpet burns on the muslin sheets"
Mr. and Mrs. W of a cottage somewhere near Kellynch write - "The container of Ingrom's was just the right size to stick under the perfectly good leg of our marriage bed to cause it to sway like a ship at sea. No wonder sailors call your product 'The Midshipman's Friend.' My wife and I were most reassured by your guarantee of satisfaction.
Mrs. K of Hartfield writes - "A little in my father's gruel before our wedding night, and...heh, heh!"
Mr. Darcy looked at the packages in perplexity. He gave up with a sigh, imagining them to be something that he might begin to understand after he was married. At this he smiled, for after all, he was going to get married, and to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and not even that objectionable Toddles was going to get in the way.
He entered the Gardiners' house, and gave the Purgative to the maid, and the Iocane to Mr. Bennet, who furtively concealed the package under his coat.
About five minutes later, Toddles reached the Gardiners, and he was admitted by the maid.
"Did Mr. Darcy leave a package from the Apothecary anywhere?" He asked the maid imperiously.
"Indeed Sir! I have but now put it in the pantry." Was the maid's reply.
"I need to have some right away!"
The maid, remembering that the package was of 'Parson's Purgative' could barely suppress a snicker as she regarded the corpulent figure before her.
"I shall fetch it for you then sir."
"Er, no! I shall get it for myself, if you please!" muttered Toddles.
"Well then, it is just inside the door of the pantry, but be careful Mr. Toddles, it is quite dark in there."
Toddles lumbered for the pantry and opened the door. As he felt on the pantry shelf for the package, he heard a sudden movement in the darkness. Suddenly two bodies pushed past him into light of the kitchen.
"Miss Bennet! Mr. Darcy! What, what, what is the meaning of this?" He stammered. "What are you doing with my fiancee Mr. Darcy?"
Although Elizabeth was busy adjusting her dress, she managed to roll her eyes at Darcy. "Mr. Toddles, I have made myself plain on this matter many times. Mr Darcy is my fiancee. Come dearest!" She then helped Darcy adjust the last of his buttons in a way that seemed to underline the status of their relationship.
Toddles burnt with fury. 'Just you wait!' He thought. 'My plan will soon have you in my power, woman!' (fiendish giggle at this point).
As soon as they left, he went back into the pantry and opened the packet of what he thought was iocane, and emptied it into a small sugar bowl which he then took with him to the breakfast room.
"Good morning to you, Mrs. Gardiner. I come here with permission of Mr. Bennet."
Mrs. Gardiner and her husband looked at Mr. Bennet in surprise.
"Is that not so Mr. Bennet?" said Toddles.
Mr. Bennet's eyes glazed over. "Yes, yes, anything!" He said.
Toddles' eyes roved over the empty seats, rejecting the one next to lady Catherine in her blue gown, and instead sitting himself between Elizabeth and Mrs. Bennet. He placed the "sugar" bowl in front of Elizabeth.
The servants brought in the first breakfast course. Large steaming bowls of porridge!
Toddles saw his chance!
"Look out the window, is that a black swan?" As all eyes craned to see, toddles spooned a generous amount of "sugar/purgative" into Elizabeth's porridge. 'That ought to knock her out, now for that interfering Darcy.'
"Good heavens! Look on that wall! Is that a painting by Joshua Reynolds?" As the eyes craned again, Toddles spooned some more "sugar' into Darcy's porridge bowl. Mind you, as Toddles did that, Elizabeth switched bowls with him.
Mr. Bennet saw his chance. "Mrs. Gardiner, is that fresco on the ceiling a genuine italian piece?" He then spooned a large amount of Iocane - "the Bride's Friend" into his wife's bowl as all eyes gazed heavenwards, Caroline did not notice that Darcy switched his bowl for hers.
Now Mrs. Bennet, as the mother of five children knew of her husband's little tricks. "Good heavens!" She cried "Just look at the pattern on that dado!" and switched bowls with Toddles.
"Right!" said Toddles through clenched teeth. "Just look up there at that candelabra!"
Just at that moment there was a commotion as a rather tall man in an army uniform strode into the room.
"STOP THAT! STOP THAT! YOU ARE ALL JUST BEING SILLY!"
"And who are you, if I may ask?" said Mr. Gardiner.
Toddles went white. "FFFFather!" he quivered.
"Yes! Major General Sir Tristram Toddles as you see!"
"NOW EVERYBODY, JUST GET ON WITH IT!"
"But Father!"
"BUT FATHER NOTHING. EAT!!!!!"
Toddles and the rest dutifully ate their porridge without interruption under the steely gaze of Major General Sir Tristram Toddles.
Well, almost without interruption, as suddenly Caroline rose from her chair as if jet propelled and headed outside. Within a minute Mrs. Bennet followed with Mr. Bennet in her wake "I'm coming my little tulip. No need for such a hurry." Suddenly Toddles started to sway in his seat before the almost empty porridge bowl. The servants noticed this and hurriedly refilled the bowl with warm porridge, just in time for Toddles to fall face down in it. Splat!"
You might have thought that this would have had his father alarmed, but the Major General was otherwise occupied. He had locked eyes with Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and with the experience that only years in the military can give, he was almost levitating her out of her seat with his gaze. "Come my little claymore. We have things to do. Now!" They left arm in arm, and headed upstairs, followed by the Gardiners.
That left only Elizabeth, Darcy, and the comatose Toddles who was marinating in warm porridge.
A maid came up to Elizabeth. "If you please Miss, a package has just arrived for you from Mr. Toddles"
Elizabeth looked at Darcy doubtfully, but he shrugged his shoulders as if to say, 'open it if you are curious.'
Out tumbled a tangle of leather strings and triangles and an account from "Larry's Florentine Emporium of Leather Lace And Tasteful International Imports."
Darcy and Elizabeth looked at each other with raised eyebrows. They then looked at the sleeping form of Toddles, and the pile of leather triangles and strings, and an evil grin crept over both faces.
"Fitzwilliam, we mustn't." Said Elizabeth.
"Yes, it would be terribly wrong wouldn't it?" Said Fitzwilliam as he disentangled one item from the packet and held it against Toddles as if to check for size.
"I mean dearest, we would feel so ashamed, wouldn't we?" Replied Lizzy as she showed Darcy how to adjust the straps to fit Toddles.
"I for one would find it hard to live with myself, dearest, sweetest Elizabeth." Said Darcy as he removed Toddles shirt, and slid the man's arms through the straps of the leatherware, fastening the clasp at the back.
"Oh, those cups fit him perfectly. You did that so well darling Fitzwilliam! But perhaps you are right, we should leave him be."
"Elizabeth." Breathed Darcy softly. "You seem to have spilt something on your chest there. What is it?"
"Oh dear, I seem to have dropped some Nutella on myself there again, that's the fourth time this week. Silly me."
"Well then, as a Gentleman, I suppose I should help you remove it." Said Darcy, reaching toward Elizabeth's rather low cut dress.
"Tut! Tut! Mr. Darcy. No hands there please! We are, as yet unmarried!"
Darcy licked his lips in anticipation of that happy event. "It shall be as you wish my dear." He then approached her with his hands firmly clasped behind his back.
"MMMMM!MMMMM! Nutella! It is so tasty!" Exclaimed Darcy much later.
They had finished their breakfast in peace, and after their last Nutella on toast they rose to leave.
"Pantry?" Said Darcy.
"Yup."
They left for the kitchen. As they departed, Darcy scooped up the rest of the Florentine Leather. Just to make it easier for the servants to clean up. Of course!
Upstairs in one of the guest bedrooms two people were smoking. One dressed as a Major General in the British Army, the other in a blue gown with Brussels lace.
"You know Catherine," said the man, "I have always admired women in uniform!"
Toddles And Austen.com
By Leareth
Posted on Thursday, 18 March 1999
Author's Note: (How many DWG stories can you find in here?)
Mrs. Reynolds did not have very good eyesight. The dark night did not assist her either. She squinted, trying to decipher the lettering on the signpost. She did not know the way to London very well and was afraid of making an erroneous detour and so was resolved upon checking all the signposts.
Suddenly, she and the horse were startled by the appearance of a man out of the trees. He was big and looked very mean as he handled the club. He gave a shrill whistle and two more ruffians appeared.
"Well, ma'am, yer're travellin' late," he drawled. "You'd be wantin' to travel light. Why don I 'elp you lose some of that coin, so yew kin travel a bit fasta, eh?"
Mrs. Reynolds gasped and feared for her life but as if by chance a large carriage with two ladies inside appeared. The ruffians were either very startled or they saw the three soldiers riding alongside but whatever it was, they disappeared. The carriage pulled to a stop and one of the ladies leaned out.
"Are you all right there?" she inquired. Mrs. Reynolds replied in a very flustered manner and said she was trying to get to London.
"Why, we are traveling there ourselves. Why don't you travel with us?" said the second lady.
Mrs. Reynolds readily agreed, thankful for this angelic intervention. The horse was given to the footman to ride to London.
"I am most profoundly grateful, madam. And whom do I have the honour of addressing?" asked the Pemberley housekeeper.
"Oh, I am Lady Eva and this is my friend Miss Bodecia. And you?"
"Mrs. Reynolds, housekeeper of Pemberley."
"And what is your business in London?"
"I have to report a matter of urgency to my master. He is in Town at present and has no idea of what is happening at home!"
Meanwhile, in London, Toddles was not having a good day. He could not find 'his' Elizabeth or her blasted fiancé, and his father had coerced him into playing a game of chess, and the cook would not make his favourite dessert dish, and a pretty maid carrying a bowl of soup nearby was rolling her eyes every time he spoke. He got the impression she didn't like him very much.
His father moved a piece while Toddles argued with the cook.
"I want mah cheesie-poofs!" he whined, his voice high-pitched, nasal and with a strange accent.
"No, I am serving chocolate pudding!" yelled the cook.
"I hate chocolate! Can't you make cheesie-poofs, Marks?" He absently moved a knight.
"The master likes chocolate, so live with it!" said the pudding-master. (Mr. Marks was renowned throughout the country for his wonderful puddings.) "I wonder . . . would he mind if I used Nutella?" mused he.
The elder Mr. Toddles stared at the board, puzzled as to what to do next. The maid, who was Irish and nicknamed 'Teg' (her full name was too long and complicated to remember), thought carefully and after great deliberation, whispered something into the General's ear. With this assistance, the man had a flash of insight and moved a piece, waiting for his son to fall into the trap.
"Marks, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!" begged the man. Picking a piece, Toddles made his move.
"NO! We are having chocolate!" Marks stormed out, head high.
Toddles groaned - his drug-induced sleep had given him a frightful headache - as his father laughed maniacally and moved his Queen into Checkmate position.
"Haha! Again, you lose!"
The maid grinned and 'accidentally' tripped over the carpet - dropping the hot chicken soup into Toddles's lap.
Toddles gave a loud howl.
"Oh dear, sir, please allow me to apologise," she said sweetly.
No, Toddles was not having a good day.
The reason Toddles could not find the fugitive couple was because he did not like the outdoors. Had he gone to the park, he might have found them. Then again, maybe not, as the two were quite well hidden - and occupied.
Unfortunately, this agreeable activity which involved a lot of mouth work but no words was interrupted as the sky fell on top of them.
The 'sky' was a book. There were vampires and stakes on the cover and the author was a G. Irlbeck. The lady looked up to see a girl of perhaps sixteen sitting in the tree.
"Oh, great, now I have to climb down and get it. Just as I was up to the good part," grumbled the girl.
"Aren't you a bit old to be climbing trees?" asked Elizabeth, giving the book to Darcy, who being taller, handed the book back to its owner.
"Probably. Who cares? This is one of the best trees in the park - I like climbing." She looked at them strangely. "I take it from up here that you two are more than just good friends. Someone might see you two - that's not a very good hiding-spot."
As if to prove her words, Miss Bingley stumbled over them. She stared at the pair without understanding, looking a bit green. Miss Bingley shook her head, trying to rid herself of her dizziness.
"I think I'm hallucinating . . . ."
After catching her breath, she stumbled off again.
"What's wrong with her?" asked the girl.
"I imagine she ate something that didn't agree with her," said Darcy, trying not to smile. "What is your name?"
"Miss Leareth."
"You seem to know all the good hiding spots and good climbing trees in this park - is there another place we could go to?"
"There's a really good one about twenty yards north."
"Thank you." He helped Elizabeth to her feet and rearranged his coat. "Good day to you."
"May the Force be with you," replied the girl, going back to the book, oblivious to the world.
The pair walked slowly to the location given, puzzled by the girl's farewell remark.
"It is quite hot, isn't it?" remarked Elizabeth some - actually, a long time later.
"What a pity we are not at Pemberley - the lakes are wonderfully cool and clear there."
Meanwhile, back at the house, there was a tap on the front door. Now isn't that a funny place to put a tap?
Seriously, there was a tap on the door. Teg opened it to find a young lady standing there. She was a friend of Georgiana's, and her name was Miss Jen.
"Is Georgiana or her brother in?" asked the lady.
"No, the master is out walking and the mistress has not come to Town."
"Oh, what a pity! for I have such news! That man who Georgiana used to have a slight fancy for - he's been arrested! Overdue gambling debts, I believe. Very wicked." The lady laughed. "But I suppose Wickham and wickedness go very well together. I never did like him."
"Would you like to wait for the master to return?" asked Teg.
"Oh no, I have to see a friend of mine. I shall return when dear Georgiana returns." She turned and left.
It had been a most confusing and strange time for everyone in the Darcy household - and it seemed it was going to get even more confusing and even more stranger.
Toddles Runs For Cover.....
By Teg
Posted on Wednesday, 24 March 1999
Colonel Fitzwilliam surveyed the land between his position and the house. All seemed quiet, but he knew that looks could be deceiving.
"Carruthers." he whispered.
A movement at his left indicated the arrival of the Lieutenant. "Yes, sir?"
"Take five men and circle around there," said the Colonel, gesturing to the small copse off to the right of the house. "I want to know what's going on inside. Send one man back to report in ten minutes."
"Yes, sir." The young officer backed away and rounded up his men for the assignment.
"Jameson." Fitzwilliam looked at his second for a moment. "Have the rest of the men prepare to advance on my signal. When we go in I want it to be quick, with as little bloodshed as possible."
"Bloodshed, sir?" Jameson appeared startled. "I thought this was a group of ladies."
Fitzwilliam shook his head as if to clear it. "No, not bloodshed. I mean as little trouble as possible, of course. Jameson, these aren't just any ladies. In fact, I'm not sure we should be calling them ladies at all! Women. Women is what they are. And downright possessed, too."
"Demons!" came a whisper from behind.
"Now, don't go starting that kind of talk, Wilson." Jameson shushed.
Fitzwilliam rolled his eyes. "Okay, poor choice of words. Obsessed. That's more like it. They are obsessed."
"Obsessed with what?" Jameson enquired. Then he answered for himself. "Of course! I've heard that this Darcy fellow has quite a following of admirers. But I never imagined anyone could excite so many ladies...er, women... to leave their homes and travel such a distance just to see him! What does he have that's so special?"
"Money!" came that whisper from behind.
"No," another whisper countered. "It's that brooding he does so well. Haven't you seen how he reduces women to jelly when he gives them one of those looks?"
"Quiet!" Fitzwilliam whispered loudly. "It isn't Darcy. It's me."
No-one ventured any comment.
Jameson finally cleared his throat. "I'll go prepare the men to advance, sir," and he disappeared into the darkness.
A few minutes later word arrived from the scouting party that the house was relatively quiet. Fitzwilliam sent the rest of the regiment in anyway. Most of the ladies had dispersed, leaving only a few dissidents still remaining who were easily dispatched...... er.... sent on their way.
The house was a disaster. Fitzwilliam ordered his second to organize clean-up parties to begin repairing the damage. Then he moved through the house searching for survivors..... er... prisoners..... er..... anyone who actually belonged at Pemberley.
He discovered that the dining room doors were barricaded. "Hello? Who's in there? It's Colonel Fitzwilliam!"
A muffled voice on the other side called out something that sounded like "Our Saviour" and he stepped back in alarm at the sound of furniture being dragged away from the door. Vainly he looked for some place to take cover should a bevy of females emerge from the room.
The door cracked open and a head popped out.
"Bingley!" cried Fitzwilliam in relief.
"Oh, Richard!" cried Georgiana as she spilled out the doors. She was followed by Mr. and Mrs. Hurst. "We had to lock ourselves in here when the house was overrun. Where is my brother? Have you seen him? Does he know what's been going on here?"
"Slow down, Georgiana. I don't know where Darcy is. We left him at the turnpike. He and Miss Bennet went on to London."
"Well, of course I know they went to London. He left me a note." Georgiana said impatiently. "But how did you know that? And what do you mean 'we' left him at the turnpike?"
Fitzwilliam grinned sheepishly at his cousin. "Anne and I went on to Gretna Green. We were married."
"Oh, how wonderful!" cried Georgiana, throwing herself into his arms to give him a congratulatory embrace. But I wonder what Lady Catherine had to say to that!
"So, how did you find out about the trouble here?" Bingley asked.
Fitzwilliam pried Georgiana away from him before replying. "One of the stable lads had ridden all the way to Gretna Green, sought out his master's coach, thinking that Darcy was there, and found me instead. He related to me all that was happening here. I rounded up a regiment, with the assistance of my good friend, General MacArthur, and came down here poste haste."
"And thank goodness for that, too!" the others all said in unison.
Teg opened the front door of the Darcy house (not that she usually answered a knock at the front door, but the last few days had been so wild and unpredictable that the butler was suffering from some sort of malady that kept him to his bed) to see a rather disheveled looking older woman.
"Ye've got the wrong house, I'm sure." she said in her strongest Irish lilt.
The woman merely looked at her wearily and said "Is the master in? I need to speak to him on a matter of utmost urgency."
"Do you need some help, Teg?" called Marks from down the hallway. The last thing they needed in this house was another loony in the ranks. Lord knew, Toddles was more than enough! Marks approached the door and peered around the maid. "Mrs. Reynolds!" he cried in shock. "Come in, come in!"
As the older woman entered she said again "Is the master in? I must see him immediately."
Marks nodded to Teg.
"I'll go check the pantry." she said with a leering grin, as the pudding-master led Mrs. Reynolds into the servants' hall and furnished her with a cup of steaming tea.
In a few minutes Darcy appeared, looking nearly as disheveled as his housekeeper. "What is it, Mrs. Reynolds? What brings you from Pemberley?" he asked anxiously.
"Oh, sir!" she wailed. "'Tis all those women you left behind." Marks and Teg exchanged amazed glances. They were beginning to wonder what sort of a man their employer was. "After they discovered Colonel Fitzwilliam's absence they revolted, and descended upon Pemberley like demons from hell! There was no stopping them! Every window, every entry into the house was compromised.... they tore draperies from their moorings, knocked over furniture....."
Darcy stared at her in horror. "And Georgiana? Where is my sister?"
"Mr. Bingley and Mr. Hurst ushered the ladies into the dining room and barricaded all of the doors. They were quite safe when I left. But something must be done and quickly, sir!"
"Yes, you are quite right! I must be off to Derbyshire immediately!" Darcy cried.
"I don't believe it."
"It's true, sir." Jameson said. "We found a group of them in the gallery upstairs. They were sitting on the floor in front of Darcy's portrait and chanting some nonsense about the messiah."
"No, it was a gift from God, sir." corrected Wilson.
"Oh, yes," Jameson nodded. "'God's gift to women'. That's what they said."
"Hmmm." Fitzwilliam rubbed a hand along his chin. "Did you get any of their names?"
"As a matter of fact, yes. But only their first names. They refused to give us any more than that." Jameson snapped his fingers and Wilson pulled a list from his pocket. "There's Lu, Genette, Leah-Michelle, Lisa-Michelle--"
"French women?!?" Fitzwilliam gasped.
"Jimmy, Ann," continued Jameson.
"Wait a minute..... Jimmy?" Fitzwilliam looked at him with narrowed eyes.
"That's what she said, sir." Wilson piped up.
"Laura, Dawn, and some who at least provided an initial," Jameson sighed. "Danielle L., Ellen M., Carrie G.,---"
"I get the idea, Lieutenant." Fitzwilliam was silent a moment. "What are they doing now?"
"Staring at his portrait and mumbling rather incoherently. I don't understand it, sir. It's not even the real Darcy, it's just a painting." Jameson replied, puzzled.
Wilson was equally confused. "Where are their husbands, their fathers, their brothers? Who would allow them to traipse across the country in this fashion?"
"You didn't see the mob that was here earlier," said a passing footman. "No brigand in his right mind would have tried anything on with one of them!"
"Richard?" came Georgiana's voice from the hallway. "Richard, where are you?"
"Here, cousin." Fitzwilliam called.
"Oh, there you are." she said as she walked into the room. "We're off to London, now. We must let my brother know what has happened and that you have everything under control. Mr. Bingley and the Hursts are waiting at the carriage for me."
Fitzwilliam gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Safe journey, Georgiana."
"Thank you, Richard. Give my love to Anne." she added shyly as she left.
"Wait a moment, Fitzwilliam," Elizabeth put her hand on his arm, effectively halting his progress.
"There's no time, Elizabeth. I must be off directly after breakfast." Darcy gazed at her solemnly.
"But you can't leave!" she protested. "You know I have to leave first. What if someone sees you?"
Darcy laughed. "Elizabeth, every servant in the house knows we're in here! Why do think we're never disturbed?"
"Oh." Darcy would have seen how deeply she blushed if there had been more light in the pantry. "All right. You go first, I'll follow in a few minutes."
Darcy raised her hand to his lips. "Thank you, my love."
Elizabeth drew in a sharp breath.
Several minutes later, Darcy emerged from the pantry.
Marks turned to Mrs. Reynolds with a wink. "You see that grin on his face? Hasn't disappeared since he brought her to London."
The pantry door opened again, and Elizabeth stepped out. She glanced into the kitchen and noticed the cook and the housekeeper watching her. She coughed slightly and said, "You're a bit low on chocolate, Marks. You might wish to acquire some more." Then she turned quickly and slipped into the breakfast room.
Elizabeth received a letter from Jane that morning, saying she was coming to London to help her sister with wedding arrangements.
"Oh, what terrible timing," Elizabeth moaned. "You'll be gone up north. She won't be able to see you."
Darcy looked up from his plate. "What's that, my dear? Who won't be able to see me?"
"Jane. She's coming to London today."
"Oh, that's too bad," Darcy said between mouthfuls. He was ravenously hungry, and had a long trip ahead. The cook had laid out a wondrous selection on the buffet. "But she'll be able to keep you company in my absence, at least. I'll feel better about that."
About this time the others began filtering down for their morning meal. Toddles and Caroline looked surprised to see Darcy and Elizabeth already eating their meals at this early hour. Both had been hoping to be the first ones to the table to be assured of seats near their intended conquests. When they were informed of Darcy's plan to return immediately to Pemberley, Toddles was ecstatic. Now he would have his chance to snare Elizabeth away from that arrogant snob. Caroline fumed. It would be impossible for her to follow Darcy this time.
Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were disappointed to learn of Darcy's departure, but understood his reasons. Well, Mr. Bennet understood them. What Mrs. Bennet managed to comprehend is anyone's guess. As long as Darcy was still engaged to her daughter, and they ended up married, where the man scurried off to was of no importance!
With breakfast over with, Darcy was saying his good-byes to his house guests. Then he and Elizabeth were at the steps of the carriage making their bittersweet adieu. Darcy tossed his hat and gloves onto the seat inside and turned to take his lady's hands in his.
"I'll return as quickly as I can, but I don't know what awaits me at Pemberley. I'll send you word when I've seen what needs to be done."
"Take care, Fitzwilliam. Don't do anything foolish." Elizabeth had tears in her eyes.
Darcy watched as one tear escaped and made its way down her cheek. Gently, he kissed it away. "I must be off, now." he said softly, as Elizabeth nodded.
"Sir? Mr. Darcy, sir!" called one of the footman.
Darcy sighed and looked up at the doorway. "What is it?"
The footman rushed down the steps toward his master. "An express just came, sir." he said, hurriedly thrusting a piece of paper in Darcy's direction.
Darcy took the paper and tore it open. Quickly he scanned the contents, and his body visibly relaxed. Looking up at Elizabeth, he smiled. "It's from Bingley. Colonel Fitzwilliam brought a regiment to Pemberley and had taken care of the women. He is now taking charge of the situation and says there is no need for me to return at the moment. He has everything well in hand."
"Marvelous!"
"And..... Bingley is bringing Georgiana to London, along with the Hursts. They should be here late tomorrow!" Darcy beamed happily.
"Even more marvelous!" Elizabeth cried. "Jane will be here today, Bingley tomorrow! Nothing will prevent them from getting together again, now!"
Ha! thought Caroline from her perch on the top step. Then consider me a nothing!
Toddles Waddles On
By Bodecia
Posted on Thursday, 25 March 1999
Toddles observed Caroline glaring at something below, but he wasn't sure just what it was. Once she had left her perch, he went out on a limb to find out what was so interesting. Below he spotted his beloved Elizabeth with that dastardly Mr. Darcy.
'Don't fret my darling, I'll save you!' he called out as he leapt from the window down toward where Darcy had been standing.
'Oh, nooooo! He screamed as he hit the ground, with a
Elizabeth and Darcy turned just in time to see him land on top of a large pudding, which was being brought into the house. Darcy ran over to see if Marks was okay, as he had been carrying the pudding. Surmising that the pudding-master was only shaken up, he turned his attention to Toddles.
'Really Toddles, if you like pudding that much you could have just asked for a large helping at dinner.'
Toddles just lay in the pudding pile and sighed. 'I don't like rice pudding at all, in fact I don't even consider it a real pudding, not like a good Yorkshire!'
Elizabeth could not contain the laughter any longer, 'Mr. Toddles, why don't you waddle on into the house and clean yourself up. Now that you've saved us from having to eat that strange concoction.'
Taking her words as encouragement, he climbed out of the pudding and waddled into the house as he thought to himself,
'She does care about me, she said I saved her, she'll be mine after all.'
The pudding-master stood shaking his head, 'Now what do I serve for dinner,' he asked the couple who were still standing there.
Elizabeth gazed at Darcy, who in return gave her a knowing smile, before grabbing her hand and dashed off to the pantry.
Toddles the Tank Engine
By Eva
Posted on Saturday, 27 March 1999
After Toddles had washed the rice pudding out of his hair, he ventured into the dining room where his father, Lady Catherine and Caroline sat. Lizzy and Darcy were still not to be found, and Caroline was furious, but she had been tied to her chair by Marks and Teg, who remained on guard by the sideboard. Major Toddles and Lady Catherine appeared to be playing footsies under the table, and were oblivious to the other's distress. Toddles tried to exit inconspicuously to rescue his betrothed, but was reprimanded by the Irish maid, and bribed with Yorkshire pudding by the pudding master. Sulkily he sat down at the table.
All of a sudden there was a great deal of noise in the hallway. The party from Pemberley had arrived, and were noisily bringing in all their luggage. At the same time the Gardiners arrived with Mr. Bennet and Jane, for Darcy had invited them for dinner as well. There was a great deal of confusion. Their host was nowhere to be found, nor Lizzy. Charles was trying to avoid Jane and Jane was trying to avoid his sisters. Caroline was yelling at the top of her lungs, and Mr. Hurst was searching everywhere for some port. Georgiana retired in fright to her bedroom, only to be confronted by Mrs. Reynolds who was recuperating after her wild ride. After a while, Major Toddles noticed the bedlam going on, and stood up.
"ATTENTION!" he bawled. The noise continued. "I SAID SHUT UP!" This time everyone heard, and there was silence, as they all made their way to the dining room for de-briefing. "THANK YOU! NOW, CAN YOU PLEASE REMAIN SILENT SO I CAN FINISH MY DINNER IN PEACE!" As he sat down, all remained silent until Marks tactfully pointed out that dinner was not yet served. The Major reacted by throwing his sherry all over him. "FOOD FIGHT!" yelled Lady Catherine, who had loosened up considerably since meeting the Major. Pre-dinner drinks and fruit from the centrepiece went flying everywhere. Marks went into his pantry and returned with the remains of the rice pudding, and all that was left of the Nutella. Chaos reigned.
In the midst of the ruckus, Teg had managed to draw Bingley and Jane aside and led them into the library, and left them to it. They sat in silence for a while, then Bingley decided to try the door. It was locked. On the other side Teg listened, and grinned with victory.
Meanwhile, in the dining room, they had run out of food. Caroline was still tied up, and covered with Nutella. Toddles had managed to swallow a fair bit of pudding (well, he was force-fed it by Mr. Bennet who knew his dislike for it) and he and Miss Bingley were looking at each other strangely. Mr. Hurst had a glint in his eye at the sight of his wife head to toe in sherry and whiskey, she was flattered at the first sign of interest her husband had shown in years, and they soon departed in a hurry. Tristam Toddles and Lady Cat had again mysteriously vanished, and that left Georgiana, Mr. Bennet (wouldn't they make an interesting couple!), Mrs. Reynolds, the Gardiners, Marks and Teg (who had returned from the library) looking at each other and laughing hysterically.
Toddles hurriedly untied Caroline, and they retired to do who knows what (actually, I think I know but I'd rather not say…or even think about it!) The others cleaned up the dining room cheerfully, and sat round with hot cocoa (with marshmallows) chatting until dawn.
The Next Morning
Toddles awoke and stretched out with a satisfied smile on his face. He did not quite remember the happenings of the night before, but felt that he had at last won the woman of his dreams. Next to him, Caroline thought about how wonderful it was to have found the man who was made for her. Simultaneously they rolled over, opened their eyes… and leapt out of bed with horror. "You?!" they exclaimed in disgust...
Mr. Bennet had unlocked the library, to discover his daughter asleep in one of the lounge chairs with a smile on her face. Bingley was in another, also grinning in his sleep. Mr. Bennet also smiled (gosh it's all smiles in the library today!), gently woke his daughter, and took her down for breakfast, pleased at the thought of both his favourite daughters getting married. Although he knew Jane would not have done anything wrong, the excuse that she had been compromised was just what she needed to get pushed into marriage. Caroline, who had hurried downstairs to throw up in the backyard, heard what the father and daughter were saying and silently promised herself revenge… One by one, all the occupants of the house made it into the kitchen, where they ate dry toast in, for the most part, embarrassed silence, with no-one willing to meet their neighbour's eye.
But where were Lizzy and Darcy?
Some Enchanted Toddles
By JenR
Posted on Tuesday, 30 March 1999
Author's Note: Apologies to Eva for reusing a bit! It was too good to pass up. And I hope Teg and Marks don't mind their abrupt change in roles!
The Day Before the Next Morning
Bingley sat down.
"Miss Bennet, it seems the door is locked."
"Shocked? Why should you be shocked? It is somewhat peculiar that the door won't open, but there is nothing so very shocking to the matter."
"Hatter?" said Charles. "Why, yes, my father was a hatter--or more properly a milliner--that is why my sisters are so fond of hats. It is also how our family made our money."
"Honey?" said a thoroughly puzzled Jane. "I suppose it is strange they did not serve the rice pudding with honey. Although poor Mr. Toddles would have been more sticky as a result."
"Insult? I should think that it is a compliment to you and to your virtue that we have been left here together."
"Heather? Why yes, I do like the smell of a sprig of heather. Do you not think it cheerful?"
"Tearful?" cried a concerned Mr. Bingley. "What could have brought tears to your lovely eyes?"
As Jane heard a scratching noise at the door, she said "Skies?" with a furrowed brow.
Suddenly, Marks and Teg burst into the room. Teg sat down next to Jane. "Begging your pardon, Ma'am, but this has gone on long enough! It is quite clear you and the gentleman have a mutual interest. So get on with it! You've both waited long enough."
"A ruff? Why no, none of my dresses have ruffs. It's a rather outdated style, don't you think?"
Meanwhile, Marks berated Mr. Bingley. "Zees ees love, monsieur! Zut alors! Zees seely Eengleesh!"
"Meesh? Who is Meesh?"
"You are a fool! You must rush een where mortals fear to tread!"
"Angels," said Teg.
"Quoi?" said Marks.
"Isn't it angels, not mortals?"
"Never mind! Zee point iz zat zeese two weel never work eet out wizout help!" Marks looked back at Charles and Jane, who had fallen asleep quite inexplicably.
"I think they have already had help," said Teg. "This is no ordinary misunderstanding. This looks like the work of Robin Goodfellow."
Puck poked his head in at the window. "Thou speak'st aright; I am that Puck which did confound them quite!"
Teg and Marks rolled their eyes at each other. "Sacré, you seely Engleesh son of a pixie! How many times do I have to tell you, keep out of my keetchen! Alwayz playing weez my powders and sauces Francaises! Meddling weez my Nutella! Zeeze tings are not for your foolish eemortal games!"
"Shall I repay such kindness with its like?" said Puck with deceptive gentleness, lightly springing over the windowsill.
Teg swallowed and hastily shook her head, saying:
"Kind sprite, O merry wanderer of the night,
I pray be sweet, and change the spell once cast
For one which clarity doth so disperse
Amongst these most unlucky lovers."
Puck smiled.
"Most handsome maid, and also maiden true,
For such sweet speech, and such sweet eyes I do
Decide that these have had more than is fair--
Yet merrier hour was never wasted there!"
Marks leaned over to Teg and murmured "Zees ees more zan I thought you capable of, ma cherie!"
Teg glared back at him. "No thanks to you! You're lucky your head is still intact!"
Puck cleared his throat. Teg and Marks gestured for them to continue.
"Churl, upon thy eyes I throw
All the power this charm doth owe.
When thou wakest, let love forbid
Sleep his seat on thy eyelid--"
Teg said:
"Hold, most merry Puck! Their problem is
Not a lack of love, but understanding.
If such a spell is cast, we cannot know
That Juliet will reclaim her Romeo."
"And you have used zee last of my oregano! Eet ees you who are zee churl!"
Puck thought it over.
"Ah! Such a thought I mind
Most well! And must use words
Which are gamely borrowed:
Be as thou wast wont to be;
See as thou wast wont to see:
Dian's bud o'er Cupid's flower
Hath such force and blessed power."
Charles and Jane continued to sleep, but their faces slowly broke out into smiles.
Puck strode over to the window. As he stepped outside, he called:
"Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
But not after confounding all
The residents of this fair hall!"
Teg looked at Marks. "Don't you think that mischievous Robin looked somewhat like our master?"
"Why, no," frowned Marks. "Why yes! Zo zat ees why zey spent zo much time een my pantry!"
Back To The Next Morning
Toddles sat down by his dressing table. "She need not have been so very disgusted. I am quite a prize, am I not? Descended from a fine breed, an old and respectable line!" He reached up and scratched one long, fuzzy ear. "And I am quite handsome too." He turned to the mirror to see the head of a donkey gently peering back at him.
Toddles let out a scream that could have been heard at Longbourn, but which was in fact only noticed in the same house.
Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were sitting in the parlour eating bread and honey when they heard the most horrible noise ever.
"What on earth was that?" asked Mrs. Bennet.
"Must be that annoying Toddles again," replied Mr. Bennet.
"Oh, of course, that would explain it," said his lady, returning to her food.