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Toddle Doodle Doo!
By Marks
Posted on Thursday, 1 April 1999
Elizabeth and Darcy headed to the pantry as was their wont.
Unfortunately, their plans were interrupted by Teg the Puddingmistress, and about ten men and women dancing around a large tub of warm Nutella wearing aprons and rather funny hats. One of them was Marks, behaving rather strangely.
Darcy and Elizabeth could only stare, until Teg left the group and came up to them. She explained that she was the Grand Mistress of the Lodge of the Most Ancient Order of Pudding Masters, and was conducting one of the Lodge's secret ceremonies, culminating in the production of a Nutella Pudding.
"Unfortunately, it is not possible for either of you to stay, since you are not initiated into the pudding club.
I am really sorry, normally, we are quite finished by this time, but something very strange has happened."
"Strange?" Asked Elizabeth curiously. Darcy shuffled his feet in discomfort.
"Why yes," Said Teg. "Marks has been turned into a Frenchman, and spends all his time complaining about how the English boil all their vegetables to death, Georgiana has been turned into a sprite, Charles and Miss Bennet are unable to communicate, Toddles has the head of an ass, and Caroline is kissing the A.."
"Enough! Toddles is normal at least." Said Darcy. "Er, Elizabeth, we had better go." This was delivered with a strange insistence that suddenly roused the suspicion of both women.
"Stay a minute!" Said Elizabeth. "You say that someone has caused a difficulty between Jane and Mr. Bingley." She looked rather displeased. Darcy looked as if he didn't want to be there.
Teg looked hard at Darcy. "And the fairy that caused it all, looked rather like you Mr. Darcy."
Elizabeth placed her hands on her hips and said ominously. "Fitzwilliam!!!!"
Darcy looked at Teg in desperation for help.
Teg took Elizabeth aside. "As an experienced Puddingmistress, might I give a little advice?"
Elizabeth nodded her assent, so Teg continued. "Remember this! You will always catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." This was accompanied by a significant wink.
"Aaah!" Said Elizabeth, "Like this, you mean?" She then approached the very apprehensive Darcy, and said, "I am so disappointed that I cannot accompany you to the pantry, but I must see to my sister. I wish somehow it would be all right, and we could, you know......" As she said this, she was running her fingers through Darcy's hair, and nuzzling his chest.
Darcy sighed with something like relief, and clicked his fingers. From the depths of the pantry, Marks' French babbling changed back to English babbling.
"And Charles and Jane?" Said Elizabeth
"OK! Click went the fingers."
"And The others?"
"Weeell, mostly." Said Darcy.
"That's good enough!" Said his fiancee.
"Er well, where can we go then?" Asked Darcy.
"I believe that there is a vacant bedroom up the stairs and first room to the right!" replied the Puddingmistress.
Darcy looked shocked. "Miss Bennet and I are not yet married, it would be grossly improper for us to share a bedroom unchaperoned. Surely you can see that?"
The puddingmistress looked thoughtful for a minute, turned to the group dancing around the tub of Nutella and said, "Would you excuse me for a few minutes, I am required to use my skills for the benefit of this couple."
With that she escorted Elizabeth and Darcy from the pantry.
Once outside the door, she took a screwdriver from her Puddingmistress's apron pocket and unscrewed the "PANTRY" sign from the pantry door, putting it into the apron pocket.
"Please come with me!" She intoned. Without waiting for a reply, she left with the pair close behind.
As they arrived at their destination, up the stairs and to the door of the first room on the right, Darcy asked the Puddingmistress. "I have always been curious as to why in most households, the Puddingmaster or mistress is the most highly paid of the staff?"
"Good Heavens, Mr. Darcy! Puddingmasters are never on the staff. We are independent professionals!" Said Teg, slightly affronted.
"Well, how do you make the considerable sums of money that I hear you do?" Persisted Darcy.
Teg did not answer, but merely took out her screwdriver again, this time removing the "BEDROOM" sign from the bedroom door, exchanging it with the "PANTRY" sign from the room downstairs.
"There you are!" Said Teg.
Darcy looked a little puzzled, but Elizabeth had an instant grin of enlightenment from ear to ear.
"Now Mr. Darcy!" Said the Puddingmistress. "Please remove your coat and shirt, and hand them to Miss Bennet!"
"What? Here?" Spluttered Darcy.
"I think you had better follow the Puddingmistress's advice dearest. She is a professional, you know." Said Elizabeth with a sudden enthusiasm.
Darcy took off his coat and shirt, handing them to Miss Bennet to reveal a broad chest with rippling pectoral muscles and powerful biceps.
Miss Bennet gulped, and without taking her eyes off Darcy's chest, put her hand into his coat pocket and took out a golden guinea which she handed to the Puddingmistress.
The golden coin disappeared into the apron pocket, to be replaced by a large bottle of oil. The Puddingmistress immediately removed the top and spoke to Darcy.
"Hold out both hands if you please!"
Darcy looked at Elizabeth, but her eyes held the command "Obey!" So he held out both hands, and the Puddingmistress poured some oil into each. She then poured half the contents over Darcy's chest so it glistened on his skin.
Miss Bennet, completely transfixed, took another golden guinea out of Darcy's coat pocket, and handed it to the Puddingmistress.
The Puddingmistress then addressed Miss Bennet. "Oh Dear! Clumsy Me! I seem to have accidentally spilt oil all over Mr. Darcy. Oh dear, what a butterfingers I am! Well, Miss Bennet, there is nothing else for it, you will have to help Mr. Darcy with the oil, and I shall have to go to get one of the maids to make up a bath for you. There is a very large tub in the room connected to this bedroom, er, I mean pantry, however, it will take an hour at least before the water can be heated and the tub filled."
"It will take two hours at least, I feel sure," breathed Elizabeth, "I wouldn't like Mr. Darcy to catch cold with lukewarm water, and I don't know how long it will take me to deal with this oil."
"Er yes, as you wish Miss Bennet. Oh and by the way, may I suggest that you remove your gown before assisting Mr. Darcy. You wouldn't want to spoil it by getting oil on it would you?"
Miss Bennet took another golden guinea from Darcy's coat pocket, and handed it to the Puddingmistress, who opened the door to the "Pantry."revealing a rather large bed, er I mean "table."
Darcy looked at both of his hands, brimming with oil. "And what am I supposed to do with this?" He asked with a frown of puzzlement.
"I am sure that Miss Bennet will find somewhere for you to put it, Mr. Darcy." Was the reply.
Suddenly inspiration came to Darcy, and a grin spread all over his face. "Dearest Elizabeth, would you please take a golden guinea from my coat pocket and give it to the Puddingmistress. Oh, and by the way, there will be a couple of extras for the Nutella Pudding Ceremony, just to repay Marks and you for your troubles." He winked puckishly as he disappeared into the bedroom, I meant pantry.
The Puddingmistress then took her leave, pockets a-jingle, thinking 'I suppose Mr. Darcy now knows why I am paid as I am.'
Out in the garden, some of the others had gathered, completely oblivious to what had befallen them before.
Miss Bingley and Toddles were talking together, the subject of their conversation - how to split up Darcy and Miss Elizabeth Bennet.
Georgiana and Mrs. and Mr. Gardiner were talking politics.
Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were still eating bread and honey.
Mrs. Reynolds was tending to one of the maids who had been attacked by a blackbird that had pecked off her nose.
Suddenly Kitty and Lydia arrived.
"Oh Lord, how boring you all are!" Cried Lydia. "Let's have some fun!"
"Oh yes, let's." Chorused Kitty and Mrs. Bennet.
"I know!" Said Lydia. "Let's have a fancy dress ball!"
"Why not?" Said Mrs. Gardiner. "Georgiana could come as the sprite Ariel."
Caroline looked down her nose at this. "Harumph! It sounds positively vulgar."
"Actually, said Georgiana quietly. "Elizabeth and my brother mentioned that they would like to have a fancy dress ball, just the other day. They wanted to come as Romeo and Juliet." This last little barb was directed at both Toddles and Miss Bingley, and from the way they both puffed up, Miss Darcy surmised that the shaft had hit home and deep.
"Well in that case, I suppose I should not cause the party to fail by not being present. But I always have trouble deciding what costume to adopt." Said Caroline.
"Perhaps you could come dressed as a duck," suggested Georgiana as innocently as she could.
Miss Bingley looked a little undecided, so Georgiana continued: "Miss Bingley, I am sure you would do well in such an enterprise. I have often thought of you as having a certain something in your air and manner of walking, the tone of your voice, your address and expressions, that would enable you to take on such a task."
"Since you put it like that, dear Georgiana, how could I refuse?" Beamed Miss Bingley.
"What about me?" Demanded Toddles, eyeing off Georgiana in a way that made her stomach churn.
"I think I know some tailors who could help you with a costume, Mr. Toddles."
"And who might they be?" Said Toddles, moving toward Georgiana.
"Two Frenchmen, the Montgolfiere brothers. I'm sure they'll have something appropriate." Georgiana moved back swiftly out of the path of Toddles as a Matador moves from the lumbering bull. "Oh!" She said, "I wonder where Elizabeth and my brother are?"
Toddles stopped in his tracks and looked around. "That that woman!" he said, "I can't trust her for five minutes, and she is persisting in this fantasy that she is going to marry any one but me! I'll soon put a stop to that! Come Caroline."
"Not again! I still have cracked ribs from the last time." Groaned the orange one.
Not that far away, in another room (a bedroom, since they were married), Colonel Fitzwilliam and his wife had just spent some quality time together. In fact, they had spent several quality times together.
The Colonel looked at his wife and frowned in puzzlement.
"Dearest, your makeup seems a little thickly applied, and..." at this he peered closely at her chin. "...it seems to be peeling a little."
"Oh dear! Bother! I knew it would come to this," she sighed resignedly.
She turned away from her husband and pulled at her chin. He watched in astonishment as her face appeared to come away in her hands. She had been wearing a mask! GASP!
"What? How? Who are you?" He said in shock.
"I am Lise Fitzwilliam, nee Joling." Said the young lady pertly.
"Not Liselotte Joling the famous spymistress?" Cried the Colonel.
"The very one!" Was the reply.
"What have you done with Anne? We are not legally married. This is immoral!" He clutched his clothes in shame over his substantial chest.
"Calm yourself my dear, we are legally married. It was me that you wed in Scotland, Ann was long gone by then."
The Colonel lowered the sheet in relief at this information, much to the interest of his new wife who moved toward him in anticipation of more quality time.
"Uh! Not so hasty if you please! What happened to Ann? What did you do with her?" Said the Colonel with gallant concern for his cousin's welfare.
Lise Fitzwilliam plumped up the pillows and draped herself fetchingly over them in such a manner as to cause beads of sweat to form on her husband's brow.
"Well dearest! Do you remember when all those women invaded Pemberley looking for you?"
Fitzwilliam swallowed nervously thinking of his narrow escape and nodded.
"Do you remember a group of women dressed in leather?" Said his wife.
His brow creased as he tried to remember. At last he said, "I think I do. Didn't they have very short hair, earrings in one ear only, and some of them even wore trousers? I remember thinking it a little qu-, whoops, I mean strange, at the time."
Lise snorted. "Well, they were a group of Dutch geography students, and I had infiltrated their party. After all, I am a spymistress."
"In any case," she continued, "Ann showed a great deal of interest in geography, and when she heard that we were from Holland, she wanted to know all about our famous Dutch dykes. In fact, she wanted to join our party immediately, and was greatly disappointed that our carriages were full, and she could not join us. That is until I found that you and she were to be married. Since I was interested in Colonels, and she was interested in dykes, it made sense for us to swap places. It was I that accompanied you to Scotland. That is how I became Lise Fitzwilliam."
"Well," said the Colonel, "Now I guess we can have some 'quality time'?"
"No!"
"No?" The Colonel looked puzzled.
"You must say 'Please'!" Lise demanded.
"Please!" Begged the Colonel.
"In Dutch!" Mrs. Fitzwilliam folded her arms demurely over her chest, with her lips pursed to stop herself laughing.
Fitzwilliam groaned in frustration. "I don't know any Dutch!" He went down on all fours, as if to plead. Then leaving no time for a reply, lunged for his wife. As they grappled together, she managed to get out "De Vernederlandisering begint!"
Toddles waddled around the kitchen looking for Elizabeth, vowing to declare his feelings for her. He heard noises coming from the pantry, which now inexplicably had a "bedroom" sign over the door.
'That shameless hussy!' He thought. 'She's in there with Darcy again, despite my explicit instructions to the contrary. She will change her ways when we are married. Just you wait Miss Bennet!'
He screwed up his face in what he imagined was a self righteous scowl, and thrust open the door.
His jaw almost hit the floor. For there in front of him was a group of ten men and women in a hot tub of Nutella. One of them, on the knees of Puddingmaster Marks, looked suspiciously like a Jennifer Ehle clone, and another, on the knees of Puddingmistress Teg, looked similarly suspiciously like a Colin Firth clone.
"WhaWhat are you doing?" He shrieked in confusion.
Marks the Puddingmaster, cast a look at Toddles that let that mountain of blubber know instantly that on the scale of living things, he was somewhere below cockroaches.
"Where are we Mr. Toddles?"
"Er in the pantry?"
"Good, and what am I?"
"The Puddingmaster! Puddingmaster." Squeeked Toddles in embarrassment.
"And what does a Puddingmaster do, Mr. Toddles?" Hissed Marks.
"Er, make pudding?" Whispered Toddles completely intimidated.
"Brilliant deduction Mr. Toddles, now will you leave us to it please?" Marks turned his attention once more to the matter at hand.
"Puddingmaster!" Toddles interrupted.
Marks tensed, and his eyes narrowed. This was not the time to interrupt a professional at work. He slowly turned his head toward Toddles. His eyes caught sight of the package of Iocane on the shelf by the door, and he looked at it, and then at Toddles contemplatively.
"Well, Mr. Toddles?"
"Er you wouldn't happen to know where my fiancée is would you?"
"Your fiancée, Mr. Toddles? And who might that be?" Said a dangerously annoyed Puddingmaster.
"Why Elizabeth Bennet, of course! We are to marry, and if you know where she is, I demand to know!" Toddles had found some reserves of courage.
The puddingmaster looked intently at the Iocane packet intently before relaxing back into the hot Nutella tub with a smile.
"I think she is in the "pantry" upstairs, first room on the right. But Mr. Toddles, I suggest that you don't just barge in like you did here. Pray look through the keyhole first!"
"I always do that, Puddingmaster." Toddles reddened with embarrassment at this little revelation and exited with haste.
Marks sank back into the tub murmuring, "Well, I think I just saved a perfectly good packet of Iocane from being wasted." He looked at the pantry clock and said to no one in particular. "About a minute should do the trick!"
Marks looked at two sets of bubbles coming from the centre of the tub. "OK Spring and Shawn, you can come to the surface now!"
Toddles stood at the top of the stairs, wheezing with the effort of his climb. He lumbered for the door of the first room to the right and bent down to look through the keyhole to see what Lizzy was doing inside.
His eyes opened in horror and shock. His mouth opened and closed like a fish that had just been landed. He straightened up, clutched his chest, wheeled about and his 400lb frame crashed to the ground. BANG!
In the "pantry" where Elizabeth and Darcy were just finished dealing with the last of the oil, and in the bedroom where Colonel Fitzwilliam and his new wife had just finished their third Dutch lesson, both couples exclaimed "The earth moved!"
In the pantry downstairs, the ceremony of the Lodge of the Most Ancient Order of Pudding Masters was briefly interrupted after the thud, as Marks asked, "Does anybody here know anything about mouth to mouth resuscitation?" Four hands went up. "I think Mr. Toddles may need some assistance." Four hands went down. All those present looked slightly ill, shook their heads, and denied any knowledge of first aid.
"Pity!" Said the Puddingmaster in a strangely insincere tone.
"Oh well, I propose that the following Puddingmasters and Mistresses be awarded the order of the brown-pudding......."
Acknowledgements:To JenR for the oil
To PaulaJ for the Nutella
To Lise for inspiring me by way of an underhand threat, and liking Colonels a lot.Apology:
To Eva for killing someone (almost - he's not dead yet!)
The Toddles Show
Posted on Sunday, 4 April 1999
Everyone left Toddles lying there on the floor, somewhere in between life and death. In this Limbo, Toddles had a vision.
(No, it was not an orange-clothed angel, though it was a duck.)
A duck waddled up to Toddles and asked, "What, at the moment, is you're greatest desire?"
Many things flashed through Toddles's rather slimy mind that ranged from the ludicrous to the disgusting. But at the present moment, the desire that outweighed all the others was to get his hands on Elizabeth Bennet. There was only one problem and that was the matter of her fiancee.
"You want him out of the picture?" quacked the duck, "Easy. If you awake, go to this man . . . . Stare deep into my eyes . . . "
Toddles stared, squinted. His nose poked the eye. The duck bit his nose which gave him a nosebleed. He hit the duck. The duck hit him. More blows were exchanged . . . .
"Cut! Cut!" came a voice off to one side. Toddles squinted past the mists to see a man. Behind this man were other people, holding strange devices.
"That was not supposed to happen! Puppeteer, are you okay?"
Toddles stared in amazement as the duck removed its head to reveal a human head underneath.
"F****** hell, of course I'm not! This f***head just poked my eye!"
"What is going on?" squealed Toddles.
"Just pretend we're not here, and act natural when we begin rolling again," said the first man. "Come on, we're on a tight budget here. Roll the cameras!"
"Mr. Langton, wait while I replace my head!" said the duck/man. "What's my lines again?"
"I don't know, make something up!"
"I can't, or Mr. Davies will kill me! He hates it when people don't stick to his screenplay!"
"Rolling in five . . . four . . . three . . . ."
Toddles gaped. The man disappeared into the mists. The figures with the strange devices pressed something. Something bit his bottom.
"Ow!"
"None of what you saw happened. It was all a dream," said the duck.
"Uhhhh . . ."
Unable to find a better explanation, Toddles accepted this.
". . . . two . . . one!"
The duck coughed.
"Stare deep into my eyes . . . ." quacked the duck.
Toddles stared. He saw an office. There was a man behind the desk. There was a name on the door.
The vision disappeared.
"Go to that man and he will help you get rid of Darcy," quacked the duck.
"Really?"
"Yes." The duck turned and waddled off, muttering, "God, it's hot in this suit!"
Toddles was left alone in the mists.
Meanwhile, there were voices shouting, "Where's Miss Bingley? She's supposed to give him mouth to mouth to wake him up!"
"I don't know - not here!"
"I think she's still recovering from that last scene!"
"Well, we need to wake Toddles up!"
"We're on a tight budget - get something, anything, anyone!"
"I know!" Feet running away, feet running back.
"Here!"
"What's this?"
"We can use her."
"How?"
"I don't know - you said anything!" Pause for moment. "What do you want to use her as - a witch? A fairy? Jedi Knight? Wizard?"
"Jedi will do."
"You have got to be kidding."
"We don't have the time to wait for Miss Bingley. She hasn't woken up yet - we didn't count on that."
"Andrew Davies is not going to like this . . . ."
"We've spent enough money manipulating these people. We don't have the resources to build a giant studio like the Truman show so we make do with this!"
"You've already done a great job, Simon; none of these people know we're filming them."
"Just dress the girl up like a Jedi, give her a lightsabre - borrow one from Lucasarts - and get her to use the Force to wake him up."
"Okay, okay."
Toddles was very confused and was wondering how to wake up and how to see the man in the office.
Marks was about to go back to his, um, clone and pudding with Teg following, when there was a BANG behind them.
The pair looked back to see a lady in black who hand her hands over Toddles's body and going into a trance. She had a silver cylinder attached to her belt.
Their eyes grew wide as Toddles's floated off the ground. His eyes popped open and then he flailed about widely. He hit the mysterious lady which caused her to lose her concentration and Toddles fell to the floor.
"Ow!"
"He's awake!" yelled Teg in her Irish accent.
"Damn. What a pity," said Marks, shaking his head.
"Where am I?" spluttered Toddles. "I remember . . . looking through the Pantry door . . ." He glanced at the pantry/bedroom. "Then I was in Limbo, there was a duck, some strange people, then this lady here," said he, indicating the lady standing to one side. Toddles sat bolt upright. "Wait - I have to see someone!"
He stumbled to his feet and ran out the door.
"Err, that flew right past me," said Teg.
"Where's the master?" asked Marks.
"Still in the pantry with the soon-to-be mistress," said Teg, thumbing her thumb at the 'pantry'.
"And who are you?" asked Marks to the lady in black.
"Someone from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away," replied she without cracking a smile.
Marks and Teg looked skeptically at each other.
"Oh yeah. Pull the other one, will ya?"
Toddles ran down one of the many streets in London. He looked around for a familiar building. Finally he found it. He opened the door and walked up to the third floor.
He stopped and puffed outside a plain wooden door. There was a name card in the slot. He read it, opened the door and walked through . . .
Only to stop short as he saw that the man he intended to see was engaged. The man behind the desk was speaking earnestly to another man, who had his back to Toddles.
The man behind the desk looked up and peered over his glasses.
"Can I help you?"
"I am Mr. Toddles and I am in desperate need of your help."
"Can you not see that I am busy? Come back tomorrow."
"PLEASE! I beg you!"
The man sighed.
"Excuse me for a moment," said he to the second man. "How can I be of service?"
"Well, sir, I am engaged to a young lady with modest wealth. The problem is, that she has accepted a proposal from another man and though she was firstly and officially engaged to me she refuses to leave him!"
"And what am I to do about it? Seems a hopeless business."
"Expose Darcy and their scandalous relationship so their engagement will be broken and I can marry Elizabeth!"
The two men looked at him with interest.
"Fitzwilliam Darcy?" said the second man.
"Uh, yeah."
"He is in a relationship?" said the first man.
"Uh, yeah."
"And does he love her?"
"Uh, yeah."
"This is the perfect opportunity!" said the first man, clapping his hands. "It seems the weapon against Darcy we have been searching for for so long has been found."
The second man grinned evilly.
"Expose their scandalous relationship? Now that will be easy! And a great pleasure . . . " laughed the first man.
Toddles clapped his hands.
"Oh, Mr. Kenneth Starr, you are just wonderful!"
Starr sighed and looked at his friend. "Wickham, I shall at last be able to give you the means to hurt Darcy. I have not forgotten my vow to help you find vengeance."
Wickham smiled pleasantly. "I look forward to it."
"Good. I'll get on the case right away. Is there any information you can give me?"
"I think there is a masque on in a week. Costumes, dress-ups, you know. Elizabeth and Darcy intend to announce their engagement then."
"Information, Mr. Toddles, any incriminating information?"
"Well . . . " thought Toddles. "They seem to be spending a lot of time together in the pantry . . . . "
"Perfect!" cried Mr. Starr.
Meanwhile, Teg and Marks were trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Toddles had run off somewhere, the master and mistress were still in the pantry, there was a lady in black who had appeared out of nowhere and some people seemed to be hearing voices. Colonel Fitzwilliam was nowhere to be seen and there were Pudding masters and mistresses walking around carrying pots of cooking ingredients (mostly Nutella) and utensils.
Suddenly, Miss Bingley burst into the hall - dragging a cannon. She aimed it at the door to the 'pantry'. Her eyes blazed with madness.
"Die, Elizabeth!"
"Oh great, I think I put too much of that stuff in the pudding," groaned Marks.
(Somewhere in the background, there was some rustling of paper. "That's not in the script!")
Miss Bingley lit the wick. A cannon-ball flew out - and fell to the floor in two pieces.
Everyone stared at the lady in black, who was holding an ignited lightsabre.
(In the background there was more rustling of paper, more frantic this time. "What the hell is going on? That wasn't supposed to happen! She was supposed to just wake Toddles up, not defend the pantry!" "Well, get her out, now!" "Gimme a pen!" There was a sound of scratchy pen on paper. "Done, she's written out of the script.")
The lady in black disappeared.
"Where'd she go?" asked Teg curiously.
"What's going on out here?" came a voice from the other side of the pantry door.
"Errrm, nothing sir. A member of the Pudding League dropped a large pot, that's all."
"Oh. All right then. Where'd that oil go?"
Marks looked critically at the floor.
"The master isn't going to like the marks on the floor from the cannon," said he, shaking his head.
"No, he won't," said Teg. She turned and headed back to the room where the other Pudding masters were. "There's a masque ball coming up - let's go and prepare the menu."
"We shall need some costumes for the masque, dear," said Elizabeth, leaning her head on Darcy's bare shoulder. "What shall we go as?"
"Romeo and Juliet."
"No, that has a sad ending. Othello and Desdemona."
"That's also a tragedy."
"Beatrice and Benedick then."
"Much better."
"Perhaps Toddles can go as the Ass?"
"Certainly suits him. And Bingley and Jane can be Hero and Claudio."
"So much Shakespeare?"
"Well, Miss Bingley can come as an orange duck."
They both laughed.
"We shall announce our engagement - and Jane and Bingley's - at the masque," said Elizabeth.
"Yes," replied Darcy, kissing her again. "And then, dear heart, we can live happily ever after."
"Nothing shall go wrong," agreed Elizabeth, reaching for the oil.
The Trouble with Toddles....
Posted on Tuesday, 6 April 1999
Mr. Bennet was making his way to his room when he heard what he thought to be his daughter's voice. He peered around and listened again. Sure enough, it was indeed Elizabeth's voice. He looked closely at the door behind which he had determined she was located. Oddly enough, there was a sign above it, indicating that this was a pantry.
Strange! the gentleman thought. I've never known a house to have a pantry on the upper levels.
Then he heard Elizabeth laugh, and to his shock, a deeper laugh in reply.
What is this? he thought in dismay, and reached for the handle of the pantry door.
"This will be perfect," George Wickham chortled. "Darcy will never know what hit him!"
Kenneth Starr stacked the papers into a pile and tucked them into an envelope. "I'll post this directly and we'll watch the fireworks tomorrow when the papers hit the streets."
Wickham rubbed his hands together gleefully.
"But Papa!" Elizabeth cried. "You don't understand!"
"Oh, I think I understand perfectly, Lizzie! And believe me, I will not tolerate this sort of dalliance with my daughter, Darcy!" Mr. Bennet's face was nearly purple with rage. He shook his head once again at the sight of Elizabeth hastily wrapped in the gentleman's, (no, not a gentleman!) coat, her hair strewn wildly around her face. Darcy he hardly dared to look at without fear of doing that man some harm. If it hadn't been for the fact that the two of them had already announced to him their intention to marry, then he would have been hauling the young fool out to the yard for a duel! "Get yourself decently dressed, my girl. Be quick about it. And you!" he spat out as he turned his attention to Darcy. "You put the rest of your clothes on, too. We're off to the church in 15 minutes and I don't want to hear any arguments from either of you!"
As the couple complied with his instructions, Mr. Bennet faced away from them, his thoughts tearing around his brain. Darned foolish, the pair of them. Who knows what might have happened if it had been someone else to see what they had been up to. Someone like that disgusting Toddles! He shuddered in revulsion.
Suddenly the door handle turned and Marks poked his head into the room. He looked at Mr. Bennet in surprise. "Oh!" Then he saw his master and the young lady on opposite sides of the room making final adjustments to their attire. "Oh." he added in dismay.
Mr. Bennet glared at him and Marks quickly withdrew, closing the door firmly behind him.
Marks beat a hasty path back to the kitchen. There was quite a crowd in there by now. Cooks from stately homes within a five mile radius had descended upon the Darcy home to participate in the pudding ritual. They were all now filling up their pots to take back to their own kitchens to serve with the day's meal.
Frantically Marks scanned the faces for the one person he knew would be able to fix everything. All of a sudden he spotted her. With the draining of the pudding tub there was very little surface to hide under now.
"Spring!" he shouted, and breathed a sigh of relief when she looked back at him. "Spring, you must do something immediately!"
Spring nodded, even though she had no idea what he was talking about. But if Marks said she had to do something, then she would certainly try her best. She reached across the tub to pat Shawn on the shoulder.
"Time's up, buddy." she said with a grin. She hiked a thumb in Marks' direction and Shawn frowned. "Oh, don't be like that. You know that when duty calls I have to be creative. You can be so jealous, sometimes."
Shawn rolled his eyes and watched resignedly as she climbed out of the tub, shaking pudding from her boots.
Spring glanced back at him one more time before setting off across the kitchen. She noticed the thoughtful grin spreading across his face. "Shawn." she said warningly. "No Death Matches!" She shook a pudding covered finger at him. "Promise me."
Shawn sent her one of his most wide-eyed, innocent expressions and sank back into the tub. Spring set off in Marks' direction.
"Jane, Charles, come with us." Mr. Bennet commanded as he steered his second daughter across the expanse of the front hall toward the door. Darcy followed close on his heels.
"What's up?" Charles enquired of his friend.
Darcy shot him a look and just shook his head. Charles looked at Jane and shrugged his shoulders.
Mr. Bennet walked a rapid pace in silence. No-one dared say a word, least of all Elizabeth or Darcy. Jane and Charles were completely confused, especially having only just gotten over their earlier confusion. Not much was making any sense to them about this day. However, Jane finally managed to work up enough nerve to come even with her father and ask him what was going on.
"Where are we all going, Papa?"
"To the church." he replied without looking at her.
Jane glanced at her sister, startled. "Why are we going to the church?"
Mr. Bennet stopped abruptly in his tracks causing the men behind him to crash into them. Well, Charles crashed into Mr. Bennet, and Darcy crashed into Elizabeth. Jane was the only one left standing. As they scrambled to their feet once more, Jane asked her father again what they were supposed to be doing at the church.
"Getting these two wed!" he pointed a finger behind him.
Jane raised an eyebrow. "Charles and Mr. Darcy?"
Mr. Bennet shuddered. "No, my dear girl. Darcy and your sister." He had a sudden thought. "While we're there, you and Charles could get married, too!"
"But Mr. Bennet," Charles interrupted. "We don't have a license."
Mr. Bennet slapped a hand to his forehead. "Licenses!! Blast it all, I forgot about the licenses!"
Darcy grinned and patted his coat pocket. "Don't worry about that! That's the first thing I did when Lizzy and I got to London." He put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Sorry, Charles. I guess you'll just have to wait a bit longer." He looked at Elizabeth again and they grinned at each other.
"What are we standing here for, then?" Mr. Bennet grabbed his daughter's arm and once again they set off in the direction of the church.
Caroline was desperate. But this was nothing new.
She had rushed upstairs yet again to save Darcy from committing a horrendous error, only to find the 'pantry' empty.
"Where can they be now?" she fumed. Absently, she picked up a bottle from the night table and frowned at the oily residue on her fingers. She had a sudden premonition of Darcy's whereabouts and raced to the door. Just as she reached for the handle it opened inwards, cracking her in the head and sending her sprawling onto the floor. The bottle of oil was propelled straight up into the air.
Toddles stepped forward into the room. The bottle was above his head, tumbling end over end. To any other observer the scene played out almost in slow motion as the bottle turned over and over, going up and up. Then it began its descent, still tumbling. When it finally hit the floorboards the glass smashed into tiny pieces, sending the oil slicking across the wooden surface...... as Toddles placed his left foot down.
Toddles flailed his arms like a windmill. His feet flew up in the air, his behind wiggling like a drunken slug. Then he fell to the floor yet again with a resounding thud. The judges in the corner gave him a perfect 10.
Marks and Spring came tearing around the corner to stop and stare in amazement at the unconscious bodies before them. Marks looked at Spring. Spring looked at Marks. Then two malicious grins lit up their faces and they both rubbed their hands together and laughed wickedly.
"Fitzwilliam, my love." Elizabeth purred as she adjusted his cravat. "I think our announcement will need to be changed at this masked ball."
"I think you may be right." Darcy murmured as he assisted Elizabeth with the bodice of her dress. "Do you think we can keep it quiet until then, though?"
"Well, Jane and Charles are sworn to secrecy. Papa won't say anything, especially with Mama here!" She flashed a dazzling smile. "My, how exciting! A secret marriage!"
"No, I meant do you think you and I can keep it quiet until then?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Elizabeth blushed. "If you keep those golden guineas in your pocket we shouldn't have any trouble in that regard." she replied demurely.
Darcy sighed. "Well, it's only another few days at any rate." He glanced around the empty hallway. "Where on earth is everyone?"
As if on cue, there was a strange tinkling noise and two men suddenly appeared before them.
"What the–?" Darcy cried as he stared at the two men dressed in odd, brightly coloured clothing. He shoved Elizabeth behind him to stand between his beloved and these figures. "Stay away. Don't come any closer." he said warningly.
The shorter figure, dressed in gold, took a half-step forward, then leaned his head back slightly to address the blue garbed man who looked a trifle ill. In fact, he looked positively green.
"Mr. Spock, I think the calculations were a little off. Did we step through the portal a bit too early? This doesn't look like 1930's America."
"I believe you are right, Captain. According to my tricorder, we are in what was called England, roughly 120 years earlier than our intended target."
Darcy and Elizabeth continued to stare at the men, unable to comprehend a word they were saying.
"Captain, I think our universal translators suffered a malfunction in the transport process. These two individuals appear to be confused."
The man in gold flicked his gaze to his companion. "Mr. Spock, don't you think our sudden materialization and ..... um.... your ears might have something to do with that?" He looked back at Darcy and Elizabeth, who had not moved. "How long do you think it will be until the Guardian discovers the error and pulls us back?"
Mr. Spock consulted his tricorder. "Momentarily, sir. I am picking up an increase in the temporal flux in this vicinity."
His captain sighed in relief. "Thank goodness there's only these two to see us, then. There shouldn't be any real harm done. It's not as if anyone would believe them in this day and age." He said this last as he and his companion began to fade away.
Darcy didn't move for several minutes after they were gone. Then he turned to Elizabeth. "Remind me to have a talk with Marks about what he's been putting in the puddings this week."
Jane sat in the garden under the shade of the large oak tree. Charles was leaning against the trunk, dreamily smiling at his fiancee.
"I can't believe it. I just can't believe it." Jane looked at Charles, shaking her head.
"What can't you believe, my dear?" Charles enquired.
"That Papa would insist on Lizzy and Mr. Darcy marrying in haste like this. That's more Mama's style, if she thought that he might be changing his mind, which we know he wouldn't of course, don't we?" Her expression was troubled. "Why would Papa do this?"
Charles bit his lip and tried to compose an answer. He'd had a little chat with his friend before the ceremony and was given to understand the basics of the situation that led to Mr. Bennet's abrupt decision. Now, how to convey that information to Jane, without offending her delicate sensibilities?
"Um, Jane." he began confidently. But when he looked at her trusting, innocent face, words failed him. "Have you seen the pantry?"
Jane stared at him, confused again. "The pantry?"
"Yes, the pantry. Darcy and your sister spent a lot of time exploring in the pantry. Perhaps if you accompanied me there I could show you what is behind your father's unexpected behaviour."
"Something in the pantry is the reason for Papa's decision to rush Lizzy's marriage?" Jane said slowly. She puzzled over this for a bit, then rose to stand next to Charles. "All right. Show me what's so exciting in the pantry that my sister spends her time in there."
Charles grabbed her hand and grinned ear to ear. "Certainly, my dear. Let's go!"
"Oh, you want the upstairs pantry, not this one." Teg stood in front of the door, arms crossed, blocking their way.
Charles looked at her in astonishment. "An upstairs pantry! Now I get it!"
Jane was still mystified. "Well, I don't! What is all this about pantries, Teg? This must be the most confusing day I've ever spent in my life."
Teg gazed at her sympathetically. She gazed at Charles with more sympathy. Shaking her head, she motioned Charles closer. "Upstairs, first door on the right. There's a sign above the door that says 'pantry'." She placed a bottle in his hand. "Good luck."
Charles examined the bottle. He was about to enquire as to what he was supposed to do with Mother Murphy's Miracle Medicament when Jane grabbed his arm.
"Come on, Charles. I want to see what's in this pantry upstairs."
As they left the kitchen Teg glanced at Marks. "I told you Miss Elizabeth would soon be mistress of this house."
"Sooner than even you thought, I reckon." Marks winked. Then he grinned at her. "I have the feeling there's going to be another quick wedding very soon."
Teg narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "You didn't! Oh, tell me you didn't ask Spring."
Marks looked at the ceiling and began whistling.
Teg sighed and shook her head slowly. "You did. Oh, heaven help us all."
"Here it is." Charles said as they stopped in front of the 'pantry' door. "Now, Jane. I don't want to alarm you, but–"
"Charles, stop blabbering and let's go in." Jane said, reaching for the door handle.
She pushed the door open and stepped into the room. "MR. TODDLES!" she screeched.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SISTER?" Charles shouted and lunged across the room, brandishing Mother Murphy's Miracle Medicament in one upraised hand.
Toddles Draws a Blank
Posted on Wednesday, 7 April 1999
Toddles lay dazed, in a pool of gooey rice pudding, as an angel stood over him.
"Mr. Toddles, please can you hear me?" the angelic voice asked.
Toddles could only stare up into her beautiful pale blue eyes. He felt he could get lost in the exquisite pools of blue that lay in the face of the angel. Everything else was of no consequence, how he came to be lying in the pudding puddle, the people around him, the excruciating pain he felt coming from his lower extremities, the only thing he cared about were her blue eyes. As he started to come around he felt as though he had been slam dunked by a wild ape. His head was pounding out a message as if jungle drums were beating it out, thump thump, thump thump thump.
"Mr. Toddles are you okay?" asked Georgiana Darcy.
Having arrived in town just as Toddles had flung himself from the window above, where her brother and his fiancée had been standing, she had immediately ran to see if he was well. Mr. Darcy not wanting to see his sister groveling at Toddles side ran up and lifted her to her feet. Turning her around he said,
"Georgiana, Mr. Toddles will be just fine, he is accident prone you know. These type of things are always befalling him."
Then stepping over Toddles he led his sister into the townhouse. Toddles lay confused and befuddled on the walk. He could remember strange happenings, but then if he were still on the walk in the pudding they couldn't have happened could they. Toddles sat up gingerly, and called for help. The pudding master, who was still standing nearby shaking his head over his spilt pudding, came to his aid. Examining the prone Toddles, he called for a surgeon and had the other servants carry the injured man into the house.
On arrival Dr. McCoy was shown to the room where the injured Toddles lay. Looking at the patients clothing he insisted that the pudding be removed.
"My God man, I'm a doctor not a laundress," he exclaimed as he left the room.
Toddles lay dreaming of the beautiful blue eyes he had seen in the face of the angel. He started to ask the servant that was removing his clothes who she was, when she appeared to him again. Toddles was more confused as ever that she could just pop in and out like that. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen her dress was of a heavenly blue and her hair was golden like the sun. The servant, growing alarmed at Mr. Toddles staring at him fled from the room. Toddles could only stare at the beautiful angel at the foot of his bed. Soon the doctor returned and noticing Toddles strange countenance he started to check for a head injury. After finding a slight contusion on his patient's head, and a fractured leg he went about setting the leg and bandaging Toddles up.
"Well, Mr. Toddles you shall be good as new in about a months time, or maybe more depending on how well your leg mends," the doctor announced as he left the room, "and I'll have my bill sent round tomorrow."
Mr. Darcy on seeing the doctor out proceeded upstairs to check on his, silly house guest. Entering the room he noticed Toddles gazing steadfastly at the end of the bed.
"Mr. Toddles," Darcy said quietly," are you okay?"
"Just splendid Mr. Darcy, I do hope you and Miss Bennet will forgive me, I don't know what came over me."
Darcy was completely bowled over by the sudden change in Mr. Toddles' behavior. "Whatever can this mean?" he mused.
"Mr. Darcy, while I lay unconscious I had a very strange dream. You were in it and Miss Bennet, and well everyone and some people I have never met. The pudding master was having an orgy or something and you and Miss Bennet were continually locked in a pantry together. It was rather bizarre. The only good thing that has come from my fall is the beautiful angel at the end of my bed." Saying this Toddles passed out.
Toddles Learns The Truth.
Posted on Wednesday, 14 April 1999
Toddles woke up again, and discovered that the angel had been replaced by Miss Bingley.
"Mr. Toddles, can you hear me?" she was still saying.
"Yes, yes, but what are you doing here? What happened to the angel?"
"The angel? What angel? Surely you must be mistaken?"
"No, there was the most gorgeous lady in the world in here before I fell asleep again, she had the most fine blue eyes…"
Caroline fixed her large, blue eyes on him in astonishment. "Why, it has only been I here the whole time!"
"My g-… Caroline, it was you?" he asked in bewilderment. "I was under the impression you had rather murky brown eyes."
"No, no," said Caroline, congratulating herself on the investment of some blue contact lenses. Although she didn't need them, and she kept on seeing things crookedly, it would seem they had paid off. Even Toddles didn't recognise her.
"What…what happened?" the man himself was asking.
"We-ell… you fell down the stairs. You were in a coma for ever so long, I was so worried! For twenty whole minutes I waited for you to wake up! Then you did, and I was so happy! We were in the upper pantry, doing…nothing in particular, when my brother came in and struck you with a medicine bottle. Your head had suffered some damage, and you walked through an open window on the second floor, and fell into Mark's pudding again. That is when you first started calling me your angel."
"Did I really?" mused Toddles thoughtfully, smoke pouring out of his ears as the gears in his head moved themselves for the first time in years.
While this conversation was on, the good-natured Charles was in the hallway sobbing.
"I didn't mean to hit him!" he cried. "I would never knowingly hit another human being. So what if he compromised my sister- I shouldn't have done what I did."
Darcy was there to reassure him.
"But Charles, your sister is a stupid orange duck, and you hate Toddles anyway. I am sure any permanent damage could only be an improvement on him."
Just then the door opened. Caroline stepped out.
"He's awake! And we are to be married," she said, glancing triumphantly at Darcy. He was not jealous in the least.
"Well, congratulations!" he said. "You deserve each other." The duck looked downcast. Her plan didn't seem to be working.
"Remember, Caroline," the gentleman said. "You tried this caper at Pemberley and it didn't work there either."
"EEEEEEEEEEEERKKKKKKK!" she shrieked, and stomped her foot so hard she disappeared in a cloud of smoke. A muddled Toddles appeared at the chamber door.
"What's going on? Where is my lady love?" he asked. You see, the fall had done something to his mind, and he finally realised that Elizabeth was out of his reach. Caroline's attentions to him, although because of her wish to make Darcy jealous, were nevertheless flattering, and he figured, with his usual pomposity (that at least had not deserted him), that in time he would be able to make her truly care for him.
"What am I to do?" he asked, miserable.
Meanwhile, In Another Part Of The City…
"Extra, extra, read all about it! Prominent gentleman in intern scandal!"
An awful lot of papers got sold that day. Sadly, the inmates of Darcy house were too concerned with inside matters to purchase one.
Toddles in the Underworld
A nice cherub who happened to be passing by had heard the cries of distress of poor (?) Toddles.
"I will take you to the underworld to search for her, but you must be very careful," she said. (Are cherubs male or female?) Toddles was apprehensive, but decided to go.
"There is nothing for me here!" he announced pretentiously. Everyone else in the room made retching noises.
Toddles was led to some ornate gates. "Here you go," said the cherub, and flew off.
"Hang on a sec, aren't I supposed to get instructions about not looking back?" asked Toddles.
"No," said a voice, "Unless your name is Orpheous."
"Well it is actually, Christopher Orpheous Toddles. Just a minute, who said that?"
"It was I," replied the face that adorned the handle of the gate. "Want to make something of it?"
"No, I don't care that you are a talking gate handle… a talking gate handle? Jumping Jehosephats!" The gate pulled a face, and refused to talk any more. So Toddles had to make his way on his own with no handy hints for searching for Caroline.
Toddles Down Under(world)
Posted on Friday, 16 April 1999
Miss Boedicia and Miss Eva walked down the street arm in arm.
"Extra! Extra! Intern scandal! Read all about it!" called the newsboy.
Miss Boedicia, puzzled, purchased a paper and skimmed the article. "Miss Eva, have you ever heard of an intern?"
Miss Eva thought a moment before replying. "I do not believe I have. Perhaps it is a new invention? Maybe there is a scandal concerning the ownership of the invention. In any case, why do you suppose it warrants an extra edition? Could they not have waited to report it in tomorrow's paper?"
Miss Boedicia, reading, absently nodded her head. "The paper says nothing about what an intern is. Do you suppose they are referring to internal organs? Discussing such things aloud is certainly shocking. Perhaps that is what makes it scandalous."
The two women made their way to a bench and sat down. "Why, Miss Eva, this concerns Mr. Darcy! Perhaps he has an internal injury? I still do not understand. This Mr. Starr must be headed for Bedlam!"
"I quite agree!" said Miss Leareth, approaching with Miss Jen from behind them. "I do not believe a word of that story. Why, I just saw Mr. Darcy's carriage leaving the church. There were white flowers strewn all over it. A man with internal injuries would not be getting married, do you not agree?"
"Quite," said Miss Jen. "The article refers to Miss Elizabeth Bennet as an intern as well, as though it were some sort of occupation. The very idea of a gentlewoman working! Nobody will believe it. The article is bosh from beginning to end. I do not believe Mr. Starr shall have a career after this bit of news."
Toddles wandered slowly through the cavernous space. Oozing rivers of fire slithered by, and strange, skittery creatures ran to and fro. Moans and cries could be heard from afar.
"Cheery sort of place, is this not?" muttered Toddles under his breath. To his left, a column of fire shot up, barely missing him.
Toddles kept walking, being careful of where he placed his feet. He did not like the look of the creatures underfoot, and he did not want to accidentally step into the river of Lethe and forget his mission. As he walked, he spied a strange, shadowy creature walking towards him. Some inner impulse told him to stop and wait, so he did, although he could not help shuffling his feet and fidgeting a little at the specter's slow pace. "Good heavens," Toddles thought, "the man is a ghost--that is, if he ever was a man! You'd think he could float a little faster."
The man (for that is what he once was) finally reached Toddles, who shut his eyes in anticipation of being eaten, hung, drawn and quartered, and then shot. The ghost then spoke in a surprisingly normal voice:
"You're not dead, are you? I've been appointed as a sort of a guide for you. It's been a few hundred years of your time since I've seen anyone like you. Let me guess--you took a wrong turn somewhere up there, and landed down here?"
"Well, no," stammered Toddles. "I came here on purpose. I'm looking for--"
"A lady, correct? Such is always the way of things. You're lucky The Boss is on a trip on the surface at the moment, or you'd be Bantha fodder in a moment!"
Toddles shuddered. He did not like the sound of the Bantha. "At any rate, mortal, let me introduce myself. I'm the Poet. I am to walk you through the afterlife as far as Purgatory, and after that you're on your own. However, we've just missed Easter by two weeks of your time, so we'll have to putter around here for a while."
Toddles frowned. "Putter around? You mean until next year? Whatever for?"
The Poet looked at the ground. "Well, I don't know..." he said hesitantly. "It's just not terribly symbolic to wander around the afterlife during the season of Pentecost."
"Besides," said Toddles, "I'm quite sure I'm not supposed to look in heaven."
"Not in heaven?" The Poet scratched his head. "This is unheard of. I'm not quite sure how to proceed." Suddenly, Toddles caught a distant strain of music and silenced the Poet with an abrupt gesture.
Eurydice.... kerret wider....
The Poet listened to the quiet, almost peaceful music floating across the cavern, looking thoughtfully at Toddles' face. An outsider would have thought he was half-asleep, with his sagging eyelids, but the Poet recognized a glimmer of hope in the beady eyes, and understood.
"I'm afraid I cannot help you," said the Poet. "You'll have to continue on your own." Entranced as he was, Toddles barely acknowledged him, and followed the sound of the voice. He began to sing along with the music; unfortunately, nobody had ever cared to inform Christopher Orpheus Toddles that he was tone deaf. He walked along, producing a strange noise, resembling at once a dog's howl and a foghorn. Luckily he carried no instrument; I do not care to consider what sort of cacophony he would have produced with a lyre.
Presently he spied something which distracted him enough to bring his yowling to an end. Before him was a young man covered in sores. Toddles hesitated, paused, pondered, and finally said "Pardon me, sir, have you seen a ravishing young lady clad in orange raiment?"
The man, attempting to apply a plaster to his face, looked up with a dull expression. "I don't believe so. But I don't pay much attention to those who come here. Many sink down, but few return to the sunlit lands." Finally succeeding in applying the plaster, the man shrieked in agony. "It burns! It burns! Get it off, get it off!" He frantically pawed at his face until the plaster fell off, and sighed in relief.
Toddles looked at him with a puzzled expression. "If you don't mind my asking, why are you thus inflicted? Is it the result of a life of too much...ahh...debauchery?"
"No, no," assured the man, trying once more to apply the plaster. "Those inflicted with syphilis on earth rarely keep it while here--and you may have noticed that plasters usually do not feel like fire. I'm one of the men that ignored those who suffered. AAAAAHHHH! It burns, get it off!"
Toddles shook his head.
Eurydice.... kerret wider....
Remembering his search, Toddles continued on, yowling once more. "I wonder," thought he, "how Darcy and his friends are reacting to this disappearance?"
"Extra, extra, read all about it! Gentlewoman missing, presumed dead! Mr. Starr repudiated by Ministry of Justice!"
Toddles continued, remarking that the sooty black ground underfoot was giving way to a smooth, green sort of substance. He soon noted that each step he took produced a violent scraping noise, and endeavoured to step more gently. Unconsciously, he reduced the tone of his moaning voice to a dull roar. He was nearly walking on tiptoes when the wail of a woman caught his attention. "Ah!" he thought. "Surely a woman would be observant enough to notice my radiant angel!"
Toddles approached the woman. "Pardon me--"
"Shhh!" she shrieked in the smallest voice imaginable. "The noise is detestable! I cannot stand it!" Suddenly she was flung by some unseen force against a wall, and her hands began to scratch at it. The horrible noise this produced caused Toddles to cover his ears and moan in pain. The woman continued to scrape her nails across the slick surface of the wall for a good five minutes.
When she had stopped, Toddles asked (remembering to lower his voice), "Pray tell, have you seen a fine lady dressed in orange, recently arrived here?"
"Such noise," the woman groaned. "No, I have not seen her. But then, I only look at people when they make too much noise, and ladies generally do not."
Toddles frowned. "Madam, what did you do to deserve such a fate?" he asked, nearly whispering.
The woman pressed her hands over her ears, and again the tiny voice sounded. "I was a librarian. For years I worked in blessed silence. For each entreaty for silence, whether I uttered it here or on the earth, I must scrape my nails against this substance fifty times. Now leave me!"
Toddles wandered away, again picking up the gentle phrase he had been following.
Eurydice... kerret wider...
Some yards away, Toddles spied a spot of orange--in fact, the only colour on the cheerless landscape. He rushed towards it.
"Miss Bingley, my love!" Caroline grimaced slightly and repressed the urge to roll her eyes.
"Mr. Toddles, am I ever glad to see you!" she said, and hastily added as she saw his eagerness, "that is, I am glad to see someone familiar. This place is so dull, and shockingly unfashionable. Why, I have seen people dressed in clothing that went out of style over one hundred years ago!"
"Was that your lovely voice I heard singing, sweetest Miss Bingley?"
Caroline no longer resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "It was. This place is so uncultured, I felt it needed some livening up. Maybe I should have sung Euridice kommt noch too, if only for variety. I am not even certain I have the text right.... It's been an age since I have studied any German, let alone opera." Standing up with a brisk air, Caroline continued. "Don't you think we ought to leave now? You have come to rescue me, have you not?"
Toddles looked confused (he does that quite well, doesn't he?) and asked, "But what is your punishment? You do not seem doomed to any odd task..."
They began to walk towards a dim greyish haze which Toddles had not noticed before. "I have not been here long enough to receive a punishment," explained Caroline. "Besides that, The Boss and his wife are topside presently. I saw them on their way out. You see, they've found a simply darling little garden which they enjoy taking turns in--they say it is more dear than anything from Roman de la Rose. Apparently it produces delightful pears.
"Ful ofte tyme he Pluto and his queene,
Proserpina, and al his fayerye
Disporten hem and maken melodye
About that welle, and daunced, as men tolde."
Caroline blinked. "Did I just say that?"
"I believe so," said Toddles.
Caroline slapped his arm. "You fool! Can you not tell a rhetorical question from a serious query?"
Toddles cringed as they continued to walk. "I have seen strange sights here today, Miss Bingley. What have you observed?"
"Well, apart from The Boss and his wife, who were dressed in the queerest ensembles imaginable (but I gather we are not to talk about them), I did meet a rather dashing young man named Don Juan. However, I did not speak to him long, as I gather he was waiting for a woman of his acquaintance, and I did not see the point of pursuing a dead man. I also heard the voice of a creature which must have been suffering the most incredible torment, but I never saw it. However, it seemed to be listening to me, as it began its clamor every time I sang." Toddles opened his mouth, thought the better of it, and closed it.
Presently they came to an enormous house, brightly lit, and very tastefully decorated. Caroline's interest was piqued. They did not like to approach the front steps, as a fierce-looking armed guard stood there. Instead, they crept around to a side window and peered in.
They saw a man pacing a long hall, one hand tucked inside his jacket. As he paced, he muttered... "It was Soult's fault. It was Ney's fault. It was Josephine's fault. It was the fault of the English. It was the fault of the Russians."
Toddles and Caroline quickly moved away from the window lest the man see them and continued to walk towards the grey.
"But, he is not yet dead, is he?" asked Caroline.
Toddles pondered a moment. "I do not know. In fact, I am not at all certain we ought to know the man exists."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Marks, stop, I beg you! I am puuuuuure! I am chaaaaaaaaste!" Toddles and Caroline looked confusedly at each other. As they rounded the bend, they saw Mr. Kenneth Starr, being spoon-fed some substance by Marks.
"I know these two are not dead yet! What is going on?" gasped Caroline.
"Oh, The Boss decided Mr. Starr deserved to come a little early. Not for any particular transgression you know--simply because we (that is, those on earth) are glad to be rid of him."
"So this is his punishment? To eat pudding? And why are you here, Marks?" said a puzzled Toddles.
Marks grinned. "Oh, I'm not here to stay. I'm here on special dispensation--you might call it a vacation. And this is no ordinary pudding--its main ingredient is pears."
"SSSSTTTTTOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPP!" cried Mr. Starr in despair. "I can feel its effects already. Come here, my tempting vixen," he leered at Caroline.
Caroline looked at him in disgust. "And what are the effects, exactly?"
Marks chuckled. "He is to become--"
"Honey lamb! Come to your sugar daddy!" Starr rumbled in a dreadful attempt at a seductive voice.
"--a dirty old man."
Shuddering, Caroline strode away, setting a determined pace. Toddles trotted after her. Just as they had reached the gray area, they met Pluto and Proserpina.
"Sir," said Toddles, pompously attempting humility, "I have come to beg for this lady's release."
Munching on a pear, Pluto gave Caroline a slow once-over. "Why should I let her go? I have not yet punished her!" A trickle of pear juice slid down his hand, and he quickly caught it with a slurping sound. "And I do so like punishment!"
"I should think you do," said a disgruntled Proserpina under her voice. "Really, who do you think wears the britches around here? You're too busy delighting in the torment of others to get anything done! He that mysconceyveth, he mysdemeth!"
"Ah," murmured Caroline, "as on earth, so below!" Her eyes met Proserpina's gaze, and something of a mutual understanding passed between them.
Proserpina smiled at her and took her arm. As the men argued over the ownership of Caroline, she said confidentially, "It was very brave of that young man to follow you here. He will probably expect some sort of reward if you return with him. Are you certain you wish to return?"
Caroline sighed. "I seem to be plagued with him, so it does not much signify where I must bear his company. However, if I do not return with him," smiled Caroline far too sweetly, "he is very likely to wish to remain here."
Proserpina paled and closed her eyes briefly. "Heaven forbid! We plan to be without him for as long as possible. Even people in eternal torment can only withstand so much. I beg you to return with him!"
Caroline smiled beatifically. "As you wish. Shall we bring Marks back with us while we are at it?"
Proserpina considered this with a strange gleam in her eye. "No, he had better stay here. I find him most... entertaining."
Caroline nodded. "Come, Toddles," she called, "we have permission to leave!"
Toddles and Pluto seemed quite close to blows by this time. At her call, they both looked up distractedly. "What, my love?" oozed Toddles. "Oh, very well, let us leave now."
As they walked away, Pluto looked at his wife with no small measure of dissatisfaction. "My dear, what have you done?"
"I have made a decision," said Proserpina complacently. "My dear, have another pear." Pluto took the pear from her hand, and placed one arm around her waist, stroking her abdomen meaningfully.
"Come, Miss Bingley," said Toddles in a worried voice, having decided that he was once more in charge. "We really should be getting back to the land of the living before they change their minds."
"Oh, I can only imagine how worried my family is become! We must hurry!" wailed Caroline.
"We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Miss Eurydice Caroline Bingley," intoned the priest.
Darcy leaned over to Charles, whose eyes were strangely clear. "Eurydice?" quizzed Darcy.
"Now you see why she uses her second name," mumbled Bingley. "Be quiet and listen to the service. You'd think you could stand being to church twice in one week without fidgeting."
As soon as Bingley said "be quiet," a murmur rose in the room, and Bingley consequently raised his voice to compensate. People began shifting and turning around. By the time Bingley complained about fidgeting, people were standing up, elbowing and shoving each other for a good view of the back of the church. Darcy and Bingley stood, perturbed that the funeral was thus disrupted.
They saw Caroline, resplendent in orange, bathed in a glowing light, framed by the setting sun. Toddles stood directly behind her, also glowing strangely.
Bingley gaped. "Caroline!" he gasped. "But how..."
Caroline smiled. "I am pleased to announce that the report of my death has been greatly exaggerated." She turned and led Toddles forward. In a louder voice, she stated, "Reverend, Mr. Toddles and I would like to be wed as soon as may be."