Beginning, Previous Section, Section IV
Section Revised on October 16, 1999
The Call of the Running Toad
Posted on Sunday, 18 April 1999
You can't be serious said Charles aghast!
We are! We wish to wed?
What did they say? Came a voice from the back. "They want to be towed? I'm not surprised, look at the size of him! Need a pair of clydesdales by the look to get him moving."
"Speak up!" Came a voice from even further back in the Church. "I didn't hear. It sounded like someone is a toad?"
"Er yes?" Said the Reverend Collins, "Did someone address me?"
Charlotte rolled her eyes and thrust a pear into her husband's mouth to shut him up. CHUNK! SQUINCH!
As the juice ran down his chin, the Reverend William Collins' eyes clouded over as he regarded his wife in a way she had seen only once before when Lizzy had left them at Hunsford that time.
'Uh! Oh! Another "Olive Branch"* on the way,' she thought.
Back at the front of the church the officiating clergyman had restored order. Charles was dismissed to an obscure pew (where Miss Jane Bennet just happened to be sitting), and the rest of the congregation was at last quiet.
The clergyman opened his mouth to speak, but before he could open his mouth, the Church door sprang open and in marched Major General Sir Tristram Toddles and Lady Catherine, followed closely by Mr. and Mrs. Bennet.
"What is going on here?" Shouted the General. "What are you doing with my half-wit son?" He glared at Caroline.
Toddles drew his 400lb frame up defiantly. "We wish to wed."
What did they say? Came a voice from the back. "They want to be towed? I'm not surprised, look at the size of him! Need a pair of clydesdales by the look to get him moving."
Major General Toddles turned to the congregation. "Stop that! This is getting very silly! What do you people think this is, Groundhog Day?"
He looked at his son, then at Caroline. "Well, in that case, I suppose you will come into that fabulously huge inheritance that you get when you marry! Congratul8shons son!"
Mrs. Bennet let out a squeal! "A fabulously huge inheritance! Mary! Kitty! Lydia! Come quick! Chaaaaarrrrggge!" With that she ran full tilt straight for Caroline, and probably would have done her a terrible damage except that as she roared past, Mr. Bennet thrust a large Nashi pear in her mouth. CHUNK! SQUINCH! And a large amount of juice rolled down her chin.
With that she stopped in her tracks, her eyes clouded over with an expression that Mr. Bennet had seen only five times before. "Well, we could try for a son this time, my dear!"
Mr. Bennet, however appeared to be a little distracted, by something going on a little distance off.
"Aha! Now I remember my purpose in coming here. Cut it out you two!" Something else caught his eye. "I mean cut it out the four of you!!!!"
He stormed to one of the pews, and dragged a protesting Lizzy and Darcy from their hiding spot. "We weren't doing anything, honest!" Said Lizzy.
"Oh yes, and I suppose that isn't pear juice running down your chin?" Said the aggrieved father. Darcy had the decency to look embarrassed.
But Mr. Bennet had darted off again to another pew (phew) and this time dragged Charles and Jane to join Elizabeth, Darcy, Caroline and Toddles in front of the Rector.
"Right! Since there is to be a wedding, you might as well make a job lot of it!" He almost yelled at the startled clergyman.
The Rector was puzzled, but not displeased, he had come prepared for a long and dreary funeral, and now only had to publish the banns + for the wedding of these obviously well off parishioners - a much easier task, and besides the food and drink organised for the funeral could not go to waste.
After the banns had been published, Mr. Bennet asked. "How soon can the weddings take place?"
"Three weeks is the legal minimum, I'm afraid!" Said the Rector+. "When do we eat?"
"Right Now!" Said Pudding Mistress Teg.
Marks has made a huge quantity of "pears Belle HELLene."
"You mean 'Pears Belle Helene' don't you?" Said a slightly affronted Valerie-Helene
"Not where Marks is," sniggered Leah.
Meanwhile, down in the underworld, Marks was reporting to the King and Queen of Darkness.
"I have just finished the Starr project!"
"And?" Questioned Persephone.
"And after the amount of pear juice, nutella and pudding that I stuffed into the man, I think you can safely expect a headline within the week saying
PRESIDENT PROSECUTES STARR!
or
STARR CLAIMS STAIN WAS PEAR JUICE"
The King pulls out his mobile phone and yells into it "Buy 20000 Newscorp shares!"
"Ok people, I'll be on my way." Said Marks.
"Oh no you don't!" Said the deadly couple.
"Oh yes I do!" Said Marks as he tossed a Nashi pear at each of them with deadly aim. CHUNK! SQUINCH! Into their mouths. Their eyes clouded over, and Marks headed out the gate whistling "Australians All, Let Us Rejoice!"
He gave the knob an affectionate twist. It winked in reply, and said "See you in a few months?"
"Sure," Said Marks "Getting to Australia is much easier this way than having to go round the outside, and your boss pays well!"
Meanwhile Back In England.
Well, where shall we go on our honeymoon was the subject of discussion amongst the three brides-to-be. In this they were joined by a fourth. Lise Fitzwilliam, newly married herself, had not had her honeymoon yet, and was definitely in the mood to travel.
"I know!" Said Lise, "Let's go on a sea cruise!"
"Yes! Great idea!" Said the others, so they headed off to Tilbury Docks.
"Look!" Said Lise, "There's a ship offering cruises for newlyweds."
Sure enough, there in the distance was a ship with a sign "Ship for hire, newly-weds a specialty, Commander Wentworth RN (Retd.)"
As they got closer, they saw the ship's name "ORSETEN"
They approached the couple, obviously Commander and Mrs. Wentworth.
"May we hire your ship?" Asked Jane.
"I am afraid not." Said Mrs. Wentworth.
Commander Wentworth broke in hastily. "You must excuse my wife, she normally refuses an initial booking, it then takes at least eight years to get her to reconsider, it's a hangover from when we did Oktoberfest tours and had to keep the Kiwis away. Sign right here ladies! Oh and for a group booking, we throw in a firkin** of pear juice on the first night. First couple to finish the firkin wins a special prize!"
The ladies looked at each other. "Done! Commander Wentworth."
They did not see the comely maiden named Lu grinding her teeth and stamping her feet. "Marks! I am going to get you for this. You are going to be scraping barnacles from the anchor with your teaspoon!"
Acknowledgments:To Lu for mangling her title.
Note:
+The Banns of Marriage - the following is from the Book of Common Prayer, and may be of interest to those wanting to marry off their own heroes and heroines.
First the Banns of all that are to be married together must be published in the Church three several Sundays, during the time of Morning Service, or of Evening Service, (if there be no Morning Service,) immediately after the second Lesson; the Curate saying after the accustomed manner, I publish the Banns of Marriage between M. of ----- and N. of -----. If any of you know cause, or just impediment, why these two persons should not be joined together in holy Matrimony, ye are to declare it. This is the first [second, or third] time of asking.
And if the persons that are to be married dwell in divers Parishes, the Banns must be asked in both Parishes; and the Curate of the one Parish shall not solemnize Matrimony betwixt them, without a Certificate of the Banns being thrice asked, from the Curate of the other Parish.*The olive branch reference is to the "beati omnes" a psalm used in the wedding ceremony in England in JA's time.
Beati omnes Psalm 128.
BLESSED are all they that fear the Lord: and walk in his ways.
For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: O well is thee, and happy shalt thou be.
Thy wife shall be as the fruitful vine: upon the walls of thine house;
Thy children like the olive-branches: round about thy table.
Lo, thus shall the man be blessed: that feareth the Lord. The Lord from out of Sion shall so bless thee: that thou shalt see Jerusalem in prosperity all thy life long;
Yea, that thou shalt see thy children's children: and peace upon Israel.
Glory be to the Father, &c.
As it was in the beginning, &c.**For those with enquiring minds, a "firkin" is a small barrel, not to be confused by anything that rhymes.
HMS Toddles!
Posted on Wednesday, 21 April 1999
Marks trotted out the gate, singing.
"Australians All let us rejoice! For we are young and free! With golden soil and wealth for toil, our home is girt by sea!"
Suddenly, without warning, a wall of flame crashed down in front of him.
"You shall pay for this insult!" bellowed the King of Darkness, wiping pear juice of his face. "You will suffer for all eternity!"
Knowing full well what the dread King was capable of, Marks fell on his knees and begged for forgiveness.
After one hour of begging, the King finally relented.
"Okay, okay - besides, you cook a great pudding. But you have only one chance to redeem yourself!"
"Anything, anything!"
"In the North Atlantic at this very moment, there is a ship called the Orseten. You may, and I repeat - may have to take one of the people aboard, and bring the person here to be tortured for all Eternity. Bring the person to me and torture him well, and you shall be forgiven."
Marks bowed down before the wisdom of the Dread King.
"Uh huh, yessir, I shall do that don't worry I will obey your command and make sure that this person whom you want me to bring here is tortured forever and forever more do you like Nashi pears because I'm really sorry about the pear thing it's all a misunderstanding and if you like I can make you a beautiful pear pudding before I go to make it up to you and your wife is really pretty and I hope I did not spoil her dress Miss Bingley would kill me if I did something like that to her and so - "
"SHUT UP and GO!"
"Yessir!"
Meanwhile on the Orseten, things were very quiet.
As it was a honeymoon cruise, the various couples all had certain areas on the ship which was their place. Toddles and Miss Bingley had a fancy for below-decks, Lise and the Colonel liked the crow's nest. Jane and Bingley stayed at the aft of the ship, while Lizzy and Darcy liked the prow.
Every day they were surrounded by blue water. The only living things were the occasional dolphins and albatrosses.
Things were rather uneventful. But every now and then, Captain Wentworth remarked that food kept disappearing from the galley. If Mr. Hurst had been present, they all would have blamed him, but as he wasn't - it was a mystery!
Apart from that, things were FINE as fine could get.
They were in the North Atlantic. Being so far North, things were pretty cold. It was so cold, Lise and Fitzwilliam had decided to leave the crow's nest and go to their cabin instead. In fact, practically everyone was inside the ship. Well, except Lizzy and Darcy, who found the spray of the waves rather refreshing seeing their previous . . . activity.
"Before, I was rather warm, but now I'm quite cold!" shivered Lizzy.
"I suppose we could always resume our . . . activity," whispered Darcy.
Lizzy laughed and kissed him, for a very long time.
Suddenly, there was an evil laugh behind her.
They broke off and looked into the shadows. They couldn't see anyone, but there was moonlight glinting off a pistol that was aimed at Elizabeth's head.
"Don't move," said the shadow - a very familiar voice.
"What are you doing here?" said Darcy, not letting go off Elizabeth's hand. "How did you get on this ship, Wickham?"
"Quite easily. The Captain does not check his hold very often and climbing onto a ship at night is simple. Move away, Elizabeth dear, I won't let him harm you," said Wickham.
Elizabeth was frozen to the spot so Wickham grabbed her arm and pulled her away from Darcy. He instinctively moved towards her but Wickham shoved the pistol into her neck.
"Don't try anything."
Noticing Elizabeth's fear, he swung her around to face him.
"What's the matter? Are you frightened?"
Elizabeth could not speak a word. Wickham sighed.
"Well, who would have thought that I would get my revenge in the middle of the ocean? Quite convenient, I must say." He looked at Darcy and smiled. "After all, I don't have to kill you for you to suffer. That pretty show you two made just before I came on the scene - all I have to do is swing her overboard."
Elizabeth turned white.
"You bastard," whispered Darcy. He tried to move forward but Wickham cocked the pistol.
"I will do it," said he.
"Please, don't," said the other. Darcy glanced at Elizabeth. "You don't have to hurt her. It's me you want."
"Oh yes I do. If I kill you, you suffer for only a few minutes, whereas if she dies, you suffer for the rest of your life."
He backed into the mast. There was rope around the deck, but Wickham did not notice. Nor did he notice Toddles and Miss Bingley silently sneak up behind him.
"But I want you to suffer as much as possible, Darcy," said Wickham. "How about dear Lizzy and me having a little fun before you take a swim? Darcy, you don't mind sharing, don't you?"
That was going too far. Darcy lunged forward, but Wickham pushed Elizabeth into his path. Behind him, Toddles picked up a length of rope and put it around Wickham's gun-arm. Knowing things were going badly for him, Wickham punched Toddles and aimed his gun at the centre of a shadow he imagined was Darcy. Miss Bingley pulled on the rope holding Wickham's arm and his aim was put off.
A single shot rang out, and the shadow fell to the deck.
Behind Wickham, Darcy looked in shock at Elizabeth lying on the deck, her right shoulder wet with blood.
Wickham breathed deeply. When he saw Darcy's horrified look, he smiled.
Darcy ran to Elizabeth's side. He cradled her in his arms as the others appeared, drawn by the noise.
"Lizzy, please wake up, please," he whispered. Her blood was all over his clothes.
Lise ran forward and examined Elizabeth's wound. Elizabeth was breathing faintly, and gave a soft cry when Lise wiped the blood away with her dress.
"The bullet passed straight through the flesh of her shoulder," she reported. Seeing Darcy's distress, she added, "She will live as long as she does not lose much blood. Give me your coat." Darcy wordlessly handed it to her, his attention fixed on Elizabeth's white face. Lise arranged the makeshift bandage on Elizabeth's shoulder.
"Carry her to her room and keep a watch over her," she instructed. Darcy immediately made to go but Lise stopped him.
"Not you. You need rest."
"I am quite fine!" he said angrily, watching as Bingley and the Colonel gently carried Elizabeth away. Toddles kept a tight grip on Wickham.
"Your concern is good, but too much of it is not," said Lise firmly. She looked at Wickham. Darcy followed her gaze and his expression darkened. Wickham turned white.
Darcy strode forward and grabbed Wickham by his shirtfront.
"You miserable wretch, I swear you will rue this day!" He gave Wickham a terrific blow.
Wickham staggered, rubbed his cheek and looked up fearfully at his nemesis.
Hanging onto the ship below the rails was a very wet Marks.
"grumblegrumblegrumble what am i doing here? it's cold and who am I supposed to wait for anyway?"
Suddenly, he heard cries of pain. Marks peeped over the railing. Someone banged into him and he lost his grip. He nearly fell but hung on to Wickham's coat.
"If she dies, I will have no scruples in sending you over board," heard Marks.
"Then at least you will suffer - ow!"
Marks looked as Darcy punched Wickham again.
"I think I know whom I'm supposed to take to Hell," he muttered.
Toddles Polishes His Image
Posted on Wednesday, 28 April 1999
Marks looked around desperately for something, anything to hang onto. He felt Wickham sway again as another of Darcy's punches landed. Suddenly he spied a solid chain just to his right. Reaching out as far as his arm would go, Marks grabbed the chain and swung himself over. For a moment he thought he was a goner, as his hand slipped on the slimy surface of the metal. But fate prevailed and he clung to the side of the ship, his breath heaving with exertion and relief.
Marks risked a glance over to see what had become of Wickham. He saw the man's form, still bent backward over the ship's rail. Darcy still had hold of the front of his shirt, preventing the wretched man from falling into the drink. But Wickham didn't seem to realize his peril. He kept taunting Darcy despite his obviously disadvantageous position.
A sudden movement from beyond Darcy drew Marks' attention.
"Come on, Darcy! Let him up! I won't let you throw away your life for this poor excuse for a man." cried Bingley, struggling to raise Wickham against his friend's stronger grip. Bingley finally appeared to win the battle.
But Wickham lost the war.
Just as Darcy acknowledged his friend's logic and relinquished his hold, Bingley's slipped. A huge wave rose from out of nowhere and swept Wickham from his perch.
Marks was vaguely aware of the man's body flying past him as he held on to the chain for dear life. Then he felt a sharp tug on his boot. Blinking the salty water from his eyes, Marks looked down.
"I say, dashed lucky you being here!" Wickham grinned at him.
Marks frowned. Any second now Darcy and the others would be peering over the side to see what had become of Wickham. Marks wasn't too happy at the prospect of being discovered hanging here in the middle of the ocean with no plausible (excuse me, believable) explanation.
Where is a wave when you need it? he thought, searching the ocean's surface hopefully.
Voices above brought both men's gazes upward.
"I assure you Captain Wentworth, Darcy didn't toss the man overboard! It was a wave. A huge wave! I swear it!!"
"Mr. Bingley, I have never in all my years at sea witnessed an act of God such as you describe. A wave coming out of nowhere and washing Mr. Wickham from my deck as the hand of God smiting the evil! You honestly expect me to believe that??"
Marks began to worry. He looked down at Wickham, clinging to his left boot like a barnacle. He had a thought........ then shook his head. No, Marks. Not unless you want to share Wickham's eternal torture!
Out of the corner of his eye he spied an object approaching. It was slicing through the water's surface at a terrific speed, in a straight line for their side of the ship. And could it be?? Yes! There was definitely some sort of musical accompaniment!!
Da dum. Da dum.
Da dum. Da dum......
Da da da da da da da da da da........
As it drew nearer, Marks could see it was a fin. A dorsal fin. A dorsal fin of a shark. A dorsal fin of a great big white shark!
He closed his eyes. This was it. He knew he should have just stayed at home and never gone to cooking school!!
There was a vigorous splashing noise and Marks felt a frantic tugging at his lower extremities. He closed his eyes tighter and prayed and prayed and prayed. Then the tugging stopped and he dared to crack one eye open and peer down.
Marks let his breath out in relief. His legs were still there, and intact.
But where did Wickham go?
There was suddenly a great commotion above deck. Voices were shouting and Marks could see arms pointing over the rail. His gaze followed the direction of their fingers and squinted against the light of the rising sun.
Then he laughed. Not loudly of course. That would never do. But the sight of the great white shark tossing Wickham into the air like a plaything and gently catching him to do it all over again was too much for any man to withstand. He laughed so hard that he could barely retain his grip on the slimy chain. With a final guffaw his fingers slipped and Marks fell unceremoniously into the water.
"I've never seen anything like it!" Wentworth was saying. "And to think that after playing with the man for the better part of an hour the danged thing.. oh pardon my language.... but it brought Wickham back to the ship and tossed him onto the deck! Never in my life, I say NEVER IN MY LIFE!"
He looked at the crowd gathered in the galley. Toddles and Caroline were acting the part of the attentive audience, Bingley and Jane seemed a little preoccupied with one another's eyes, and Darcy had disappeared long ago to sit with his beloved Elizabeth below decks. That deuced Colonel Fitzwilliam and his useful wife, Lise, were keeping a very watchful eye on the wretched Wickham. Not that he was going anywhere after the outing he's just endured. And Anne...... his beautiful Anne... well of course she was enraptured with whatever he said!
Wentworth dipped his spoon into the bowl of pudding. What a delightful surprise that had been at the breakfast table! He hadn't realized that his galley cook leaned toward such luscious concoctions. And the others seemed equally enamoured with the offering. He'd never seen such an increase in appetites. Well, except for Toddles. He had poked at the surface of his bowl in what appeared to be a rather cautious manner at first. Wentworth puzzled over that. What on earth did the man expect to find in there?
He glanced over at Anne. She was gazing at him in the oddest fashion.
Darcy sat beside Elizabeth as she lay sleeping in the bunk. She appeared almost peaceful, though he knew that to be an illusion. Her dark hair was spread about the pillow, surrounding her face like a cloud of curls. Darcy reached out to touch the strands and caress them with his fingers.
Lise had said she would be fine. The wound was clean, and she had not lost a great amount of blood. Still, Darcy had insisted that they head for the nearest port for some proper medical attention. Wentworth had agreed, much to his relief, and they had turned about immediately. He was glad that Wentworth, at least, knew where the heck they were going!
Elizabeth stirred and moaned quietly. Her head tossed from side to side. Darcy laid a hand on her forehead to determine if she was feverish. Her skin still felt cool under his fingers and he sighed, relieved.
"Fitzwilliam?" Elizabeth's eyes were struggling to focus on his face. "What happened?"
Darcy placed his open palm gently against her cheek. "An accident, my love. Wickham
thought he was shooting at me, but the bullet hit you in the shoulder."
Her eyes widened considerably. "Shot? I've been shot? What happened to Wickham?" She gazed at him fearfully.
Darcy clasped her hand in his. "He's above deck, trussed like a goose. Fitzwilliam and his wife are keeping the watch until we make port."
"Where will that be?"
"I'm not sure. Wentworth knows these waters. He's taking us to the nearest port that will offer the best medical attention for you, my dearest Elizabeth. As for Wickham, he can rot in the nearest jail cell for the rest of his miserable life!" His expression had hardened during these words, and suddenly he recalled himself. Looking at Elizabeth once more, Darcy smiled. "Do you feel up to eating anything? I hear the breakfast was especially good this morning."
"Did you have some?" Darcy shook his head. "Then I'll share some with you." She smiled weakly.
By the next morning land had been sighted and the ship's crew were preparing the ship for dock. Darcy impatiently paced the deck, frustrated at the slow approach to his wife's source of aid and relief. He knew he could not rest easy until she had been seen by a proper doctor, despite his cousin Fitzwilliam's testament to his wife's skill and knowledge in that area.
A woman practicing medicine?? Really Fitzwilliam! You are truly besotted with her. Your brains have been addled! She must really be something in ---
"Heave!!"
Darcy scrambled out of the way of a burly crewman as he hauled away on one of the ropes, pulling the ship snugly against the dock. A few moments later the gangplank was lowered and Darcy set out to find Wentworth so that they could leave in search of the doctor immediately.
Before he could proceed more than five steps a figure rushed past him, nearly bowling him over. Darcy looked up to see Wickham racing for the gangplank.
"What the —? Stop him!" he cried, pointing at the fleeing man.
Wickham made the edge of the gangplank and pounded down the length of wood. He came to a screeching halt at the end resting on the dock. Before him stood a man, blocking his path.
"Out of my way!" he growled at the obstacle dressed in rags. He failed to notice the strange light in the man's eyes and the odd horned hat on his head.
The man raised a hand, pointing his finger at a spot in front of Wickham's left foot. A bright flash of light and a sudden explosion of flame appeared at the end of Wickham's boot. He leaped back in surprise as a cloud of smoke drifted up from his bootleather. He eyed the ragged man carefully.
"What manner of man are you?" he said softly.
"I," said the man without batting an eye, "am an enchanter. There are some who call me...... Tim."
Wickham blinked and tried not to laugh.
"Yes, Wickham." Tim said. "I can help you find the Holy Grail."
Wickham stared at the man. "I'm not looking for any Holy Grail!" He looked over his shoulder at the advancing figures of Darcy and the others. "I just want out of here. I want across this plank and onto dry land!"
"He who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. First; what is your name?"
What on earth is this???? Wickham thought. He glanced behind him once again, then turned back to the strange little man before him. "George Wickham."
"What is your quest?"
Wickham thought quickly. "I seek a means of escape from persecution by that gentleman." He pointed in Darcy's direction.
"What is your favourite colour?"
Wickham smiled. "Blue." Then "no, green."
The old man flicked his hand and Wickham flew through the air to land at the feet of Mr. Toddles. Toddles looked at the old man in awe. Then he reached down and grabbed a stunned Wickham by the collar and dragged him back toward the main mast to tie him securely this time. You could never trust an army officer to know anything about knots!!
Darcy paused. Wentworth had not warned him about any customs inspection at this port! What had Wickham said to cause such a violent reaction? But the thought of his dear wife, suffering from an injury caused by that man raised his determination, and he set off across the gangplank to come to an imperious stop in front of the odd little man.
"He who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. First; what is your name?"
"Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley."
"What is your quest?"
"I seek a doctor to tend to my injured wife."
"What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
Darcy's eyes widened in surprise. He thought quickly. Where have I heard that before? Oh, where is Ann Haker when you need the answer to a mathematical equation? Instead he wracked his brains to come up with a smart-ass reply.
"Do you mean an African or a European swallow?"
The old man looked at him blankly for a moment. Then he suddenly flew up into the air and a very loud popping noise accompanied the flash of light as he disappeared in a cloud of brightly coloured smoke.
All activity in the port stopped as every man, woman and child stared at Darcy. Darcy's eyes darted from face to face. He began to perspire in his nervousness. Suddenly a cry rang out and the people began to advance upon his position. Darcy looked from side to side. Then he looked down at his feet. There was nothing but water on either side of the narrow walkway where he stood. Still the people advanced.
Another cry rang out and from somewhere unseen the distant strains of music were heard.
"Ding dong, the witch is dead.
Which old witch?
The wicked witch.
Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead."
The crowd swelled toward Darcy, men surrounded him, and he felt himself being lifted from his feet and high into the air. On the shoulders of the crowd he was carried away from the dock and up into the centre of the town, all the while the singing and chanting continued. In the centre of the town square was a garden with a statue. Here Darcy was placed once more on his feet, and the people backed away to open up space between them.
The music faded and the singing as well, until there was nothing but silence and hundreds of expectant faces staring at Darcy. Suddenly, as one, their heads turned upwards. Darcy looked up, too. At first he saw nothing. Then he spotted a bubble growing larger and larger as it descended from the sky. It appeared to be aiming for Darcy himself.
More music, harp this time, accompanied the bubble's delicate fall. Just as Darcy closed his eyes, anticipating the worst, the bubble came to rest on the yellow cobbles in front of him. He cracked open an eye and was surprised (though how anything could surprise him at this point is anyone's guess) to see a beautiful woman in a formal ball gown before him.
She raised her arm and pointed a stick at him. The stick had a paper star stuck on the end of it. "Are you the one?" she asked.
Darcy raised an eyebrow. Before he could confirm or deny whatever it was she wished to know, one of the men stepped forward from the crowd.
"He is, m'lady. He is the one who destroyed the evil enchanter, Tim."
"Ahh!" the beautiful woman purred. She looked Darcy over from stem to stern with a discerning eye. "And what, pray tell sir, would be your desired reward for this heroic deed?" She reached out an impeccably manicured hand to delicately run one fingernail down the side of his cheek.
Reward? Heroic deed? Darcy thought. There must be some catch. I don't think we're anywhere near England anymore! Thinking it best to stick to the truth, he replied "I am looking for a doctor."
The woman visibly shrank back from him. "A doctor?" she said hurriedly. "Are you ill?" She turned to the crowd of people who had also retreated several steps upon Darcy's words. "See? What did I tell you about letting foreign ships make port here? And you thought that Tim had let his power go to his head! You never had any requests for doctors until now, did you?!"
Cries and shrieks came up from the masses. Calls for deliverance, mercy and Darcy's head were among them.
Darcy stepped toward the woman anxiously. "No, no I'm not ill! It's my wife. There was an accident. She was shot by that man..." he looked around, realizing that the ship was not visible from where they were standing. "Uh... an evil man who had stowed away on board our ship. I only wish to find the best medical attention I can to restore her health!"
The woman looked at him for a moment. Then she nodded sagely and motioned for two men to come forward. "If that is all you require....." She waved her stick with the paper star attached to the end high in the air. "It is done."
"I beg your pardon?" Darcy stared as if she had sprouted a third eye.
"It is done. She is well. That is your reward." The woman waved her hand impatiently. "Now be gone. Pip and Squeak will escort you back to your ship. Then you will leave this place, never to return." She waited for him to move. "Go!"
Darcy, Pip and Squeak on either side of him, backed away, his eyes never leaving the beautiful woman's face. This was all a strange dream wasn't it? He could only be sure of one thing; he wasn't going to be turning his back on her.
Once out of her earshot, Darcy whispered to his companions, "Which way back to the ship?"
Pip pointed to the ground. "Follow the yellow brick road." Darcy looked down and Pip said again, "Follow the yellow brick road."
Darcy's eyes followed the spiraling path of yellow cobblestones. They twisted and turned and seemed to weave in and around the buildings of the town. He sighed. "Isn't there a straighter route?"
Pip looked at Squeak. Squeak shrugged his shoulders, emitting a screechy, fingernails-on-chalkboard sort of sound. Darcy winced. Pip looked at Darcy once more.
"Oh, all right," Pip said with a resigned sigh. "This way." He pointed an arm in the opposite direction that the cobblestones had led. All three made their way quickly back to the docks.
Wickham tugged again at the ropes binding his hands to the pole at his back. Once more his winced at he felt them tighten. What kind of knots are these? At least Fitzwilliam's I could untie. Army knots are army knots, but what the hell are these??
He looked at the man sitting across from him, idly filing his nails. Toddles was certainly a surprise. Who would have thought that the disgusting slug would have any redeeming qualities? And there was Caroline Bingley, no, Caroline Toddles! She stood there, almost salivating over her husband! It was revolting to witness!
Wickham tugged at the ropes again.
"Forget it, Wickham," Toddles said quietly without even so much as a glance at him. "The more you struggle, the tighter they'll get."
Caroline moved closer and placed a hand on her husband's shoulder. "Toodles, dear," He smiled at her nickname for himself. "I never knew you had such drive, such strength. I am impressed. And I'm proud to be called your wife."
Toddles looked up into her face. She wore such an enraptured expression that he felt his heart leap. Ignoring the retching noises emanating from the direction of the mast, Toddles took Caroline's hands in his and pulled her onto his lap. They stared into each other's eyes for several seconds. Then Caroline leaned forward to plant a shy kiss on his lips.
BOOM
Caroline picked herself up from the deck, rearranging her disarranged skirts. She shook her dazed head and abruptly remembered what she had been doing. Panicked, her eyes searched for Toddles.
She saw Wickham, still bound to the mast, an incredulous expression on his face. She heard footsteps pounding on the deck behind her.
"Caroline! What happened?" her brother cried.
Caroline was spun around to face him. "I'm fine, Charles. Fine." She shook off his grasp and turned back to look for her husband. "Where did he go?"
"Who?"
"Mr. Toddles." she replied as she walked over to Wickham.
They heard a low moan from under a tarp. Bingley pushed his sister back and moved cautiously toward the sound. He pulled back the edge of the tarp and peered inside.
"Good Lord!" he cried and flung the tarp back to reveal a young man huddled into a ball. "Where on earth did you come from??"
"Oh... ah... I never thought this day would come." the young man was muttering. "Caroline.... where is Caroline?"
Caroline crept forward to peer at the mysterious man. He was dressed in clothes that were at least four times too large for his frame. He was also the most handsome man she had ever seen! When he finally raised his head and met her gaze she gasped in surprise.
"Mr. Toddles!!"
Bingley stared at his sister in concern. "Caroline, that's not Toddles. Are you sure you didn't bang your head? Come, sit down and let me have a look."
"No, no!" she cried impatiently. "He is Mr. Toddles! Can't you see it in his eyes? Oh, Toodles, dear," she sobbed as she rushed forward to cradle his head in her arms. "What happened?"
Bingley continued to stare at his sister and the strange young man in horror.
"Caroline," the mystery man said softly. "It was you. You did it. I was cursed to remain trapped in that despicable form until I was kissed by a woman with a true, caring heart." He gazed into her eyes and sighed dramatically. "Thank you, Caroline. Thank you, my dear beautiful wife."
Bingley and Wickham tried vainly to control their gagging.
There is something really, really wrong here, thought Bingley. Toddles cursed, I can believe. But Caroline with a caring heart???? Where was she hiding that???
"Set to! We're off!" boomed the voice of Captain Wentworth.
Crew were bustling about, drawing in the lines, rigging the sails and otherwise looking busy doing sailor stuff. (author's note: Lu wasn't here to advise me!) The ship lurched beneath their feet and with a flurry of shouts, they were underway once more.
Darcy rushed past on his way below decks, oblivious to Bingley's presence and the drama unfolding in that quarter. The only thing on his mind was Elizabeth, and to determine if she was, indeed, completely restored to health.
Toddles Tribbles
Posted on Sunday, 2 May 1999
author's note: I have enjoyed being a part of this collaboration. Thanks to all involved and our readers. Next!
Grabbing Toddles firmly by the arm, Caroline drug him toward the hold of the ship. Now that her husband had been transformed into this tall, blonde Adonis she didn't want to waste a moment more of their honeymoon. Finding the hold empty, except for the usual freight stacked everywhere; Caroline threw herself at her dashing husband. Toddles, although now handsome, was still extremely clumsy. As his wife fell into his arms, he fell into a stack of barrels knocking them over as he and Caroline went down to the ground.
'Toddles you dolt!' Caroline screamed as she found herself covered from head to toe in molasses.
'Oh my caro mi a, my love! Please let me help you.' Toddles said lovingly as he picked her up off the floor of the hold.
With molasses streaming off their bodies, the pair was quite sticky and slippery. Toddles, attempting to carry his wife to a drier spot, did not notice the ships cat scurrying under his feet. Tripping over the cat; which screamed, 'MEOWWW!' Toddles pitched Caroline forward into a pile of large sacks marked feathers. Caroline landing on the sacks with a thud dispersed a blizzard of white ostrich feathers into the air. Sitting on the pile of bags covered from head to toe in molasses and ostrich feathers, Caroline was not amused.
'Oh my dear caro mi a,' Toddles cried.
Caroline's face turned bright red as she screamed, 'TODDLES YOU DOLT, IDIOT, CLUMSY OAF JUST LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME!'
Standing up she straightened her gown, getting molasses and feathers all over them, and proceeded to leave the hold. Slipping and sliding as she made her way to the deck of the ship.
'Caroline, I think you have over done the feathers thing this time.' Bingley exclaimed trying not to laugh.
Making her way to her cabin, Caroline cried, 'That man! Oh! He may resemble Adonis on the outside, but he is still the same old Toddles on the inside!'
Managing to find some new clothes, among the cargo, Toddles had cleaned himself up a bit. Sitting with his head in his hands, he ran his fingers through his lustrous golden mane of hair. Suddenly he felt something crawl across his leg. Jerking his head up, he espied a small ball of fur sitting on his lap. Reaching out he gently stroked the furry ball as he usually did to his cat, Puss.
'Nice little fur ball,' he whispered.
The fur ball began to purr softly at first, then increased its fervor with every stroke of Toddles hand. Toddles mystified by the furry little thing mused, 'Why it purrs just like Puss does when I stroke her.'
After searching the hold for more of the creatures, and finding none, he tucked the fur ball in his pocket as he proceeded to go up on deck.
Bingley and Jane stood on the deck giggling over Caroline's strange appearance. Noticing Toddles emergence from the hold she nudged her husband in the ribs with her elbow.
'Charles, Toddles,' she whispered, nodding in the direction where Toddles stood.
'Ah, Toddles. Caroline has gone to adjust her appearance,' Charles informed his brother in law stifling a giggle as he did so.
Realizing it would be in his better interest not to disturb his wife until she had time to cool down, Toddles simply nodded in reply. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out the fur ball to show the others. 'Look what I found,' he said as he felt something move in his pocket. Handing the fur ball to Jane, he put his hand back in his pocket and pulled out another one. 'My my, where did you come from?' he mused.
Jane began to stroke the fur ball gently, as it purred. The more she stroked the louder its purring grew. Suddenly it let out a small peep as Jane found herself holding two of the creatures now. 'Oh, My! She cried out, 'Look what's happened!'
Toddles and Bingley looked at the two creatures in Jane's hands.
'My they seem to multiply faster than rabbits!' Bingley exclaimed.
'Yes they do, but only one at a time it seems.' Toddles replied.
'I must show Lizzy,' Jane said as she ran to find her sister.
Darcy and Elizabeth were busy making up for lost time, when they heard pounding at their cabin door.
'Lizzy, oh Lizzy! You must come and see what Mr. Toddles has found.' Jane yelled from the other side of the door.
Darcy, upset at the interruption, yelled, 'We'll be up on deck in a moment!'
'Fitzwilliam, you didn't have to yell so.'
'I'm sorry dear, but this is our honeymoon and I have things other than Toddles on my mind,' he said with a wicked smile as he took Lizzy in his arms.
By the time the Darcy's arrived, the deck was nearly covered in fur balls. Jane was sitting on a grain sack covered in the furry little creatures. Elizabeth smiling at the scene plopped down next to her sister and began petting the fur balls, which seemed to multiply with every stroke of her hand. The ship was soon overrun with the furry little creatures, from bow to stern. Captain Wentworth was pulling at his hair, as he tried to pace the deck amongst the fur. Fearing that the added weight of the over populated creatures would soon sink the ship turned to the assemblage and said, 'Please don't stroke the tribbles!'
Calling to his first mate he ordered all life boats deployed. Luckily he had two boats tied up to the side of the ship for just such an emergency. Captain Wentworth, his wife and crew climbed in one boat as the others boarded the other. Bingley had descended into the lifeboat first, to help the women board. Darcy helped Jane down first, and then Elizabeth who didn't want to leave her husbands side, then Caroline followed by Darcy.
As they rowed away, from the ship, Caroline noticed that her Adonis was missing, Toddles was not on board. 'Wait!' she screamed, 'Where is my Toddles!'
Looking back at the ship Caroline saw her husband, standing at the end of the plank. Suddenly Toddles bounced on the plank, not once but twice. On the second bounce, he leapt up into the air touching his toes, straightening back out before cutting the water with his hands.
The Chronicles of Toddles
Posted on Wednesday, 5 May 1999
The crew applauded and held up cards with scores on them. 9… 9.5… 8… 9…
"Oh well done, old chap," said Wentworth, as Toddles swam over to his lifeboat, and hauled himself aboard.
On the other boat, Caroline clapped her hands with joy. "Have I not an athletic husband?" she asked proudly. The others mumbled half-heartedly, but Caroline was oblivious to everything except the sight of her handsome husband drying himself off in the late afternoon sunshine.
As soon as Toddles was dry again, the crew took the oars of the one boat, and Darcy and Bingley the other, and they prepared to set off for the nearest landfall. However, they were checked by cries coming from the ship.
"Oh no!" cried Darcy. "In our haste we forgot my cousin and his wife. And the ship is sinking!" Those in the lifeboats yelled out words of encouragement to the two standing on the deck. The Colonel was loath to let his wife get wet, but Lise dived expertly into the water and swiftly swam the few hundred yards to Darcy's boat. The Colonel followed with a bellyflop and some rather halting dog paddle.
"I'm in the Army, not the Navy," he grumbled when teased by his companions.
Now that they were all aboard, the troupe could finally row their way to freedom. The rowers rowed while the accomplished ladies accompanied them on voice.
"Row, row, row your boat," they sang. "Gently down the stream. If you see a great white shark, don't forget to… Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!"
"What's wrong?" asked a concerned Bingley.
"It's a-a-a-a Great. White. Shark!!!" stammered Lizzy in fear. "I am not used to the sea, I don't want to be eaten!"
"I'm too young to die!" lamented Toddles.
"It's heading this way!" yelled Jane.
There was much confusion, as the oar-bearers tried to row off in opposite directions, the ladies wept, and Toddles attempted to jump over board to swim away from it. Strangely, no one noticed when the shark swam away again, leaving behind a bedraggled figure. Eventually, Lizzy noticed, and looked closely.
"Why, it's… Marks!" she said in surprise.
"Yes, ma'am. At your service, ma'am," he said, in his best Mr. Collins impersonation.
"Marks? What in devil's name are you doing here?" asked Darcy, astonished to see his chef treading water in the middle of the ocean.
"I'm on my way back to Australia," replied the pudding-master. "But I got sent aboard Orseten to dispose of a certain gentleman. When the ship sank with the weight of the tribbles, I got a lift with a friendly shark who just happened to be passing. But he thought that I'd be happier with you. Will you let me come aboard?"
"Of course," replied Darcy, and helped Marks up. Soon they were on their way again.
Commander Wentworth and Darcy (who had been elected honorary captain of the other lifeboat) pulled up beside each other and held a hurried conference.
"I think," said the Commander, "That the best thing would be for you to take your crew to Australia to drop off Marks, and I take mine back to England. Marks knows the way, and you have food to last a month."
"I have always wanted to see Australia, and think that that is a most capital plan. Shall you be all right?"
"Of course," replied the Commander, and after making Toddles swap boats, they parted.
The Wentworth boat fared well. Despite an encounter with a few billion swimming tribbles, the boat remained intact, and they returned to England safe and sound, where Wentworth was given a new ship to command, and they all lived- wait for it- happily ever after.
The Dawn Treader, as Lise and Lizzy christened their lifeboat, had a long journey ahead of them. Luckily, the sea was dotted with many tiny islands that they could stop at and replenish their supplies.
The first island they stopped at was practically deserted, but there was a freshwater stream where they set anchor for the night. They set up a small camp near the beach, Darcy and Bingley managed to shoot a deer, and Marks cooked it to perfection. Toddles, however, was unsatisfied. The others were all talking and laughing, but he felt out of place, so he decided to take a walk by himself. The others did not notice him get up and leave the campfire, so it was some time before they saw he was gone.
"Toddles… here Toddles Toddles Toddles Toddles!" they all called, but he was not to be seen anywhere. They decided that it would be fruitless to look for him in the dark, in an unknown place, where all sorts of wild beasts around, so even Caroline reluctantly went to sleep to await first light.
Colonel Fitzwilliam was the first to stir the next day. He decided to let the others sleep a while longer before searching for Toddles- not everyone was used to the outdoor life as he was. He walked along the beach, skimming stones across the water, when he saw an amazing sight.
"D-d-d-d-d-dragon!!!!!!!!!" he yelled. For in the middle of the beach sat a realio, trulio, little green dragon. The dragon waved it's claws at the Colonel as if he was trying to say something. The Colonel cautiously moved forward.
"Do you want to tell me something?" he asked it.
The dragon nodded furiously. Then it turned around and wrote something in the sand.
"You can write?" the Colonel exclaimed. The dragon kept on writing, having some difficulty. Finally it stood aside. Fitzwilliam read it quickly.
"He-p I am T-les --- woke up turned into--- oh buther," it said in scratchy letters on the sand.
"You're… you're Toddles?" asked the Colonel. The dragon nodded. "Oh heck. What are we going to do?"
The dragon shrugged. At this point the Darcys, the Bingleys, Lise, Caroline and Marks had run onto the beach. They had heard Fitzwilliam's initial scream and rushed to his assistance.
"Oh my…" said Darcy, open-mouthed.
"Let's run him through!" cried Marks.
"No, no, it's Toddles," said the Colonel, and explained all he knew.
"I still say run him through," said Marks. "It's not as if he's any use like that. Not that he was particularly useful before… ow!" For Toddles had given him a swipe up the backside with his tail.
"No, no, we shan't kill him," said Bingley rationally. "But the question is, how do we change him back?"
"Do you have any idea how you turned into a dragon?" asked Darcy. Toddles shook his head. "Then I'm afraid you're stuck that way forever." Toddles started to cry, huge dragon tears falling down his face.
There was nothing to be done. Toddles remained a dragon for the rest of the day. He got in the way a lot, but was comforted by his wife, who tried to kiss him again to release the spell, but it didn't work. Night came- they all settled down, Toddles away from the rest, as dragon snoring is very loud.
The next morning everyone woke at about the same time. They were sad, as they had decided the night before that they would have to leave today, and Toddles would have a hard time swimming along. But he was nowhere to be seen. They searched high and low, when all of a sudden there was a rustling in the bushes, and the head of the human Toddles emerged.
"Psst, Darcy, over here!" he whispered. Darcy went over, surprised.
"You're human again!"
"Yes, but I'm also naked. When I get some clothes on I'll tell you all the story."
Darcy procured some clothes, and they all sat around the remains of the camp, listening to Toddles. He told them how, in the middle of the night, a mysterious lion had come and peeled the dragon scales off him, revealing the human underneath. "And," Toddles said, "He told me that I had proved myself to be an amiable dragon, and that I would have to prove myself to be an amiable human or I'd turn back into a dragon. So you see before you a completely revised Toddles!"
Everyone was very glad. Toddles was indeed amiable from them on. However, the identity of the lion remained a mystery. They searched, but could not even find any tracks. That afternoon, they set off on their voyage again.
Author's Note: And so ends my part in this farce! Thank you everyone!
PS- this part borrows very heavily from CS Lewis' Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
Toddles In Paradise ~ By Jen R
The Dawn Treader pulled up to a tropical island, grinding up a pearly white beach which stretched along the coast. Its passengers disembarked and headed for the cover they knew was most likely to conceal a spring. (A spring of water, not a Spring of DWG--everyone knows that she is most often found in a dark alley, trying to scalp Phantom Menace tickets. Well, no. Not really.)
As they proceeded through the undergrowth, they grew increasingly sweaty; the women were at the greatest disadvantage, as they had fewer garments they could remove. However, as they were able to view their husbands in puffy white shirts which were damp with sweat, they complained very little.
"Say," said Bingley suddenly. "Doesn't that look like a shelter over yonder?"
"I don't see any yonders," said Colonel Fitzwilliam. "I don't believe those are native to this area, so we're not likely to see any at all. However, there seems to be a shelter, just there through those trees, wouldn't you agree?" Lise Fitzwilliam rolled her eyes but declined to comment. Instead, she continued to write furiously in a small, even script.
"Mrs. Fitzwilliam," inquired Jane, "may I ask why you continue to write so earnestly, even as we are thrashing through this undergrowth?"
"I am trying," panted Lise, tiring from her exertions, "to avert a Deathmatch."
Because Lise was panting, the small company did not notice the panting coming from the small shelter they were approaching until they were very close. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth grinned at each other as they heard what the noises consisted of. The rest of the group soon recognized the noises for what they were, and all hung back at a respectful distance. Shortly, the noises ceased, only to be replaced with urgent, low-pitched murmurs and scrambling sounds.
A woman emerged from the lean-to, pushing her somewhat disheveled hair out of her eyes. A man appeared beside her, tugging his somewhat tattered clothing into some semblance of order. His eyes met Mr. Darcy's, and quickly registered shock similar to the shock he saw in Mr. Darcy.
"Goodness, luv," said the woman, "I fancy that man rather looks like you!"
"Welcome to the back of beyond, friends," said the man. "This is Bridget, and my name is Mark."
"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" howled Marks. "I'M Mark! Pay no attention to this young upstart."
Darcy sighed. "Do be quiet, Marks. This is my wife Elizabeth. You see with us the Bingleys, Toddles, Wentworths, and Fitzwilliams, and our chef, Marks. I am Fitzwilliam Darcy." At this last admission, Bridget and Mark started.
"I knew it," wailed Bridget, "I knew it! Chuh! Didn't I tell you they would turn up soon enough to write us out of our happily-ever-after! I knew this couldn't last! Oh, I must call Shazzer!" Bridget ran back into the lean-to.
Mark smiled. "Do forgive my wife. She's never met any Darcys beyond myself and the immediate family. Bridge dearest," he called into the shelter, "do remember that we were saving the flares for emergencies only!"
Mr. Darcy smiled. "Why, you are Darcys as well? What a happy coincidence! We must be related. Tell me, what part of England are you from? How did you come to be here?"
"Well," laughed Mark, "Bridge kept going on about a mini-break, and I thought a long haul would be much more restful… the next thing we knew we were shipwrecked here. Then--"
"Could we not save the pleasantries for later?" snapped Caroline. "I am terribly thirsty, and I am certain these Darcy upstarts must know where the nearest drinkable water can be found." Toddles paled at her sudden bout of ill humour.
Bingley leaned over to Jane and murmured, "Perhaps she ought to have been turned into a dragon as well."
"Too late," she replied.
"I'm sorry, where are my manners?" called Bridget. "I'm just coming! I was going to make Manhattans, and then remembered that I don't know how to make them, and don't have any alcohol besides. So water will have to do." She emerged carrying a small pot. She set it down and handed out her two cups. "Terribly sorry I haven't more glassware," she purred, "but you know, I didn't count on company." Her company took turns dipping from the pot and drinking the cool, clear water, sighing in relief.
In a short time, the group had emptied the pot with their thirst (the pot was, after all, quite small). "Follow me," said Bridget. "I'll refill the pot, and you lot can take a nice refreshing shower in the waterfall." Exclaiming in gratitude, the group followed her down the narrow path.
They all came to a lovely little waterfall, sliding quickly down a rocky overhang. The couples all delightedly ran into the water, splashing each other playfully. Marks, although he felt somewhat left out as he had not been matched up with anyone, only hung back for a second, and was soon splashing Lise quite vigourously to give her husband a chance to display his valour in defending her.
The party soon tired of their exertions, and followed Bridget back through the forest. For a moment, the pool was still but for the flow of water into its northern corner. Nobody had noticed the Ape and the Donkey sitting at the far edge of the pool… let us take note of them now.
"At last, they have gone," said the Ape (which is not at all surprising--if lions can un-dragon people, why should we think Apes cannot talk?) "Now we can decide what is to be done about this skin."
"It couldn't be the real lion's skin, could it, Harry?" said the Donkey.
"I shouldn't wonder if it were," scoffed Harry (for that was the Ape's name). "After all, it isn't as if he were a tame lion, you know. I don't think he was really as clever as everyone thought. I'm sure a brave hunter picked him off--before those bleeding hearts went and spray-painted its skin, I suppose."
"But," ventured the Donkey, "isn't it, well, wrong to kill a lion in the first place?"
"And why should it be?" grunted Harry. "It's time someone took action and dispelled these silly myths the people have been clinging to. It's people like that (like the hunter I mean) that make this country what it is, not lions. Certainly not wild lions, at any rate."
"Yes, Harry," said the Donkey, rather puzzled. "Although I really don't understand, I know you are smarter than me, so you must be right."
Meanwhile, the skin which had provoked this debate, which had been snagged on a branch in a shallow pool, loosened and floated off towards the waterfall.
"Quickly," said Harry, "you must go in after it, Snowy!"
"But Harry," said Snowy timidly (for that was the Donkey's name), "Harry, don't you think that perhaps you might have an easier time getting it? After all, you have opposable digits, whereas I'm much further down on the evolutionary line (so far down that people would never look at me and wonder about common ancestry) and could only get it with my teeth. Your fur is warmer than mine, and furthermore, you're the one that wants it. I don't much care for such a thing."
"Well, Snowy," said Harry, "I should do it in a jiff myself, only I'm such a dreadful swimmer, I'm really much better at coaching and encouraging, and I did just get over a very bad chest cold you know. In fact, I shouldn't wonder if a swim just now wouldn't do me in. However, since you obviously don't care a fig for me, I shall do it myself." He said this last with a carefully calculated sob and the smallest of sniffles.
"Oh, no, you mustn't, Harry!" protested Snowy. "Of course you must allow me to do it for you. Don't be silly." Then, with a toss of his head and a bray, Snowy trotted into the water.
Da da
da da
da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da da da da
da da DEEEEEEEEE
"What was that?" muttered Harry. Whatever it was had speedily approached Snowy and engulfed him in such a frothy lot of waves that Harry could not tell what had happened. As the bubbles cleared and the water stilled, the lion's skin popped to the surface.
"The nerve of him, deserting me that way!" cried Harry. "Now I shall have to do it myself. What kind of a friend abandons his task so quickly?" Harry dove in and swam easily towards the skin. Oddly enough, the cold he had so complained of did not seem to give him any trouble.
Harry soon reached the skin, and clutching at it, he shouted, "Victory is mine! I shall be first in all the land!"
Boedicia and Eva strolled by. "You think so?" called Boedicia, not at all surprised to see a wet Ape hollering at the sky. "I thought we were an autonomous collective."
"You're fooling yourself," said Eva. "We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--"
"Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again," scoffed Boedicia.
"You idiots!" screamed Harry. "Bow at once before your monarch!"
"Our monarch?" said Eva. "Well, I didn't vote for you."
Harry grunted. "Do you think I really care who voted for me, and who didn't, just as long as I was voted in? Really, some people are so politically naïve!"
"Well, if we didn't vote for you," said Boedicia, "how did you become king then?"
A beatific expression came over Harry's face. "A dead lion's skin, brought to me from the Western Wilds, left tattered and ripped and spray-painted by those animal-lovers who last had power, descended over these same falls, and was given to my by the Holy White Water-Dweller, indicating as a sign from heaven that I, Harry, was to fix up this sorry land!"
"If I tried to be queen just because some foamy crustacean lobbed a stuffed owl at me," cried Eva, "they'd lock me away!"
Suddenly, a white mass blurred by the foam surrounding it rushed towards Harry, who promptly disappeared.
da da
"Ah," said Boedicia smugly, "now we see the violence inherent in the system."
Well, that was a little off-subject, don't you think? What do you suppose that was all about?" murmured Lady Leareth to Lady Teg. Lady Teg smiled knowingly at Lady Jen.
"But Teg," whined Marks, who had heard their voices and doubled back to join them, "we didn't even get to the part where they weigh Caroline against the weight of a duck and burn her for a witch because they weigh the same."
"Oh, stop complaining. You're next anyway."
Toddles in Furs
Posted on Saturday, 5 June 1999
A warning to those readers who have not been following the Toddles epic. This may seem a little silly.A warning to those readers who have been following the Toddles epic. This may seem a little silly.
Take that! WHACK!! And that! WHACK!! Came the sounds from round the corner
Marks and Teg broke off their Puddingmeisterly discussion about the up-coming Sachertorte bake off, and hastened round the bend. (As if the Toddles saga, so far, had not driven them part way there already)!
On one side of the path, lounging under some wattle trees, were Elizabeth Darcy, Jane Bingley, and Ann Wentworth, barely able to conceal their laughter, for across the path there was Caroline Toddles (nee Bingley), dressed in a lion skin (Over her day clothes, I should be at pains to point out to our more conservative readers), spanking her husband, who seemed rather strangely to be enjoying the treatment.
Marks scratched his head for a second. Something was not quite right. "Aha!" he exclaimed.
"Shoosh!!!" Hissed four voices. "They'll hear you!"
Marks lowered his voice, "There's something strange going on!"
Four pairs of female eyes looked over at Caroline Toddles dressed in a lion skin, spanking her obviously happy husband, then looked at each other, finally looked back to Marks almost pityingly. I say almost, because each and every one of the ladies mouthed the words "Duh!! Marks! Really?"
Marks squirmed, "I meant, that all the ladies are here except Lise Fitzwilliam!"
Elizabeth piped up, "Oh she and her husband disappeared into that wardrobe over there." She waved vaguely in the direction of a large oaken wardrobe standing rather incongruously amongst the trees.
"What are they doing in there?" Slipped from Marks' lips before he could arrest it. Too late! Four sets of female eyes now looked even more pityingly at Marks, and heads shook sadly.
Marks harumpfed and stalked off muttering under his breath, "....Only been married four weeks, and they're experts in marital arts already....mumble..grump."
He didn't get very far, when he came upon the other gentlemen moving swiftly in the other direction.
"Quickly!" Shouted Captain Wentworth. "There's a naked lion after us, and he doesn't look too pleased either!"
"Come on ladies!" Said Darcy, "we must move swiftly!"
"That means you too, Mr. Toddles!" added Bingley.
"OK Folks, into the wardrobe!" Said Marks.
"Ladies First" Replied Teg, as an obviously irritated lion hove into view. Teg jumped into the wardrobe with an "Eeeeeeeeeekk!"
"Hmm!" The gentlemen looked at each other for a second, then shrugged their shoulders. "Next!!!"
Darcy pushed Elizabeth into the wardrobe, and again there was an "EEEEeeeekk!" (much knitting of brows from the gentlemen).
Jane and Ann went next, again "Eeeekk! Eeeeeekk!!" (Gentlemen scratch heads).
The naked lion was now rather close.
"Any more ladies?" Yelled Wentworth.
Toddles took one look at the lion and dove into the wardrobe ahead of his wife. "EEEEEEKK!!"
The other men looked at each other as if to say "Close enough!"
Wentworth took a close look at Caroline, "I think I know why that lion is angry at us! Quickly, Mrs. Toddles, remove that lion skin! I think he wants it back". Caroline removed the lion skin outer garment, and threw it at the lion who modestly retired behind a tree, from where sounds of zippers being done up presently emanated.
"Quickly folks, lets get into the wardrobe while the lion is distracted." Said Bingley. With that he pushed Caroline into the wardrobe. "EEEEKKK!!!!" Bingley smirked. "You know, Darcy! I always wanted to do that to Caroline. I hope the lion doesn't mind that she dyed his skin orange, and stuck those feathers on it!"
"OK fellers!" Said Darcy, "All for one and one for..."
"Wrong story!" Said Marks dryly. "Just try to avoid the use of any 'Eeeeekks' ok? It does so spoil the manly image."
Into the wardrobe they went. Suddenly they realised the reason for the ladies' cries as they had entered it. The $0DD3N#! thing had no bottom!!!!!!! There was only a deep abyss!!! All four men felt themselves falling, tumbling head over heels. Down and down they fell, till suddenly their fall was broken by the gentle softness of .....their wives.
"Youch! Get off me!" Cried Elizabeth.
"That's not what you said last n.....YEEOWW!" Said Darcy as an Elizabethan elbow hit him in the ribs.
"I just knew there was a reason for the 'ladies first' business," laughed Marks in relief at his soft landing. His laughter was short lived, as a shoe connected to a feminine foot caught him on the jaw.
"Sorry!" Said Teg sweetly, did I get you somewhere where it hurt?
"Where are we?" Gasped Elizabeth Darcy.
"It looks like we are in a hollow tree." Said Ann Wentworth.
"A Horse Chestnut tree, to be precise." Said Caroline.
Lise Fitzwilliam crawled out from under her husband and the pile of others, and looked through the obligatory hole in the tree. "We seem to be on a village green, by a smithy."
"LAMBTON!!" Cried the others. "We're back in England!"
Sure enough, as they crawled out of the tree, the cold hit them.
Marks shivered. "Yup, it's England all right!"
"Cheer Up! It's pudding weather." Said Teg.
"Too late!" Said Marks pointing to the others who had been whispering together.
"You mean!?" Cried Bingley.
"That we're....!?" Whooped Darcy.
"That I'm going to be..!?" Yelled Toddles.
"A father!!!?????" Hollered Wentworth.
Bingley, Darcy, Toddles and Wentworth each hugged and kissed their wives, and danced around, much to the amusement of some other couples who had run to Lambton for the Horse Chestnut season - Lady Catherine Toddles (nee de Bourgh) and her husband, and Mr. and Mrs. Bennet.
"Er Lady Catherine." Said Darcy regaining his composure. "You look well. The exercise running here has done you the world of good. You are positively blooming!"
"And you too, Mother!!" Exclaimed Elizabeth and Jane in unison.
Lady Catherine and Mrs. Bennet both looked at the ground, and would you believe it of either of them, blushed!
"You mean!?" Cried Bingley.
"That you're....!?" Whooped Darcy.
"That I'm going to be..!?" Yelled Sir Tristram Toddles.
"A father!!!?????" Hollered Mr. Bennet.
More celebrations and huggings started.
"Steady on, a minute!" Cried Toddles. " I wish to know what this all infers." He paused for a second then continued. "Since Darcy and Bingley are brothers to me by marriage, my father's next child will be a brother or sister to all of us, but Lady Catherine is Darcy's Aunt, so her child will be a cousin, and Mrs. Bennet's next child will be an......OWW!!! My head hurts."
"Lucky the Colonel married Lise rather than Ann, or Toddles would have a real problem," snickered Darcy.
"Speaking of whom." Said Caroline, "Where is Lise?"
Luckily for further conjectures on that lady, a diversion of attention occurred in that a rather dour man with a pinched face drove up in a curricle. "My name," he announced with a degree of self importance, "is Brian Whobley,I'm from the Government, and I'm here to help you!"
At this pronouncement, you must understand gentle readers that the net effect was to have a number of gentlemen and newly pregnant ladies rolling around on the green in gales of mirth. "He's from the Government, and he's here to help us????" Shrieked Mrs. Bennet, "I haven't heard anything so funny since the Americans threw all that tea into Boston Harbour.".
Finally, they managed to regain some semblance of composure, and Darcy was able to inquire of the man. "Can you tell us the nature of this 'help'?"
"Indeed Sir, I can." He replied in an oily manner that would have done Mr. Collins proud.
"I am from the Environmental Protection Agency, and I have had an anonymous tipoff that someone has polluted the shades of Pemberley, in flagrant contravention of the Pemberley Pollution Act of 1776. Can anyone here help me with information?"
At this, Lady Catherine's mouth opened briefly, only to have her husband take advantage of the situation, in the best possible of taste, I would hasten to add.
Darcy looked at Mr. Whobley and calmly stated, "No pollution of Pemberley here!"
Whobley looked uncertainly at Lady Catherine who was making loud but unfathomable noises under her husband's attentions.
Darcy addressed Whobley, this time with one word only. "Newlyweds!!!"
Whobley bowed low entered the curricle and left at a trot to get back into the office in time for morning tea.
Darcy turned to the others and said. "Let's all walk to Pemberley and have some breakfast. I'm dying to meet Georgiana and tell her of everything that has happened."
Lady Catherine, finally disengaging herself from her husband, addressed Darcy. "My dearest Nephew, I think that before you see your sister, you should know that she is.......
Toddles: The End!
Posted on Monday, 7 June 1999
*sniff* It's been fun guys! BTW . . . for any readers who are reading this for the first time and have not been keeping up with the infamous TODDLES authors, be warned . . . Teg,, Marks, Eva, JenR, Bodecia and Leareth are all escapees from your local loony bin and are considered VERY dangerous. They have the ability to write stories that cause some readers to wet their pants with laughter.
"Georgiana is . . . ?" asked Darcy to his aunt Catherine Toddles.
Lady Catherine bent down and whispered.
Everyone else leaned down also.
"Georgiana is . .. " whispered Lady Catherine veeeeeeery softly. Everyone leaned down to hear.
"AAAAAAAA---OW!"
Everyone had leaned over too far and collapsed in one big heap.
Toddles extricated himself from underneath his wife. "Really, dear, you have gained some weight."
"That's because I'm pregnant, dolt!"
Mrs. Toddles thumped her husband.
Recovering himself, Darcy repeated, "Georgiana is . . . "
Austen Time suddenly STOPPED.
Teg and Marks looked at each other.
"What the hell?" asked Marks, staring at the frozen figures.
Teg shook her head.
Up in a tree, Leareth was sitting back, off in La-La land, waiting for inspiration.
"OI!!!" yelled Teg.
Leareth annoyingly started humming.
Seeing he wasn't going to get Leareth's attention by conventional means, Marks resorted to desperate measures.
SPLOTCH!!!
"OI!!!!" yelled Leareth.
"Start writing!" screamed Teg. "You stopped . . . and . .. " She coughed. "Wait a moment." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a honey and lemon Soother and popped it into her mouth.
"Ahhhhhh, that's better. Errrrm, LEARETH, WHEN YOU STOPPED WRITING, AUSTEN TIME AND THE STORY STOPPED. SO, START WRITING NOW!!!"
"Huh? Whoops!"
scribble scribble . . . .
Everyone got up and asked Lady Catherine the magic question,
"Georgiana is - ?"
Lady Catherine coughed and thumped and ranted and raved and jumped and bumped and hit and squished and kissed (but missed) her husband.
"I'm better now," she said.
"WHAT'S UP WITH GEORGIANA????" screamed everyone.
Austen Time STOPPED.
"Now what's wrong?" shouted Marks to the tree.
Leareth was licking the pudding off her face.
"I can't think what's up with Georgiana," she mumbled.
Marks looked at the various Pride and Prejudice characters and all of their little invented characters.
"Hurry up!"
scribble scribble . . .
Austen Time STARTED.
Lady Catherine grinned and shouted,
"GEORGIANA IS DEAD!"
"WHAT???!!!"
"Just joking. Actually . . ."
"Actually . . . ?"
"Actually she's insane."
"WHAT???!!!!!"
"She's looked herself in the tower up there, waiting for the millennium," said Lady Catherine, thumbing towards the tower.
"What's the millennium?" asked Toddles to his wife.
"I don't know. Something fun?" she asked, ticking under Toddles's chin.
"Fun sounds good."
"What's there to wait for? It's not for another few hundred years!" said Colonel Fitzwilliam.
"Actually, dearest," said Lise. She checked her magic digital watch. "It's right NOW."
The earth began to shake. The sky began to fall. The sun turned green.
The End of the World had begun.
Austen Time STOPPED.
Very mad now, Marks climbed the tree and threateningly waved a pudding in Leareth's face.
"Now what have you done?!"
Teg climbed up as well. "What the hell?"
Marks shook his head. "I knew it was a mistake to let a crazy person write the ending. Where did you get that idea from?"
"You don't want to know."
"Your right, I don't. BUT CHANGE IT!"
"Okay, okay."
Rub rub rub rub rub rub rub scribble scribble . . .
Austen Time REWOUND and RESTARTED.
BBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!
"GEORGIANA IS DEAD!"
"WHAT??!!!"
"Just joking. Actually . . . ."
Lady Catherine began to collapse with laughter.
"Georgiana is up in the music room torturing Wickham."
"Oh. Okay. That's fine then."
There was a girly scream, completely in harmony with the loud 'devil's' chord played by the piano, from the music room.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"
Darcy grinned. "That sounds like fun. I think I'll join her."
Suddenly, all the married women collapsed to the ground and began gasping.
"What's going on?" cried Bingley, cradling Jane in a cradle.
"Dearest, this cradle is going to have another use in a few moments," gasped Jane.
"Huh?"
Teg leaned over and whispered into Bingley's ear.
"WHAT?! NOW?!"
"Yes now! All of them!"
"All of them?? They're all having a baby now??"
Marks smirked and ate a clam pudding. "Of course. You husbands have been pretty busy . . . ."
The light turned pink as the married gentlemen turned pink. As one, they all headed for the Pemberley lake, not noticing the various camouflaged tents around that had been used by Dwggies, waiting for another story . . .
There was a series of splashes. Teg grabbed her camera and ran for the lake, leaving Marks behind to take care of the women.
Marks finished eating and stared down and said, "Uh, okeday, nowsa whatcha we doeing?"
Puzzled, he stopped and tried to speak again.
"So, what mesa do with all thesa ladies?"
Marks looked at himself. His skin had turned rubbery with orange spots and his body had become gangly and long-limbed. His head had become one large duck-like snout and his ears had extended to become large and flappy.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRGGH!!!!!" he screamed.
Austen Time STOPPED.
"Whatcha dosa to moi?" wailed Marks to Leareth.
Leareth grinned evilly.
"Let me introduce you to Mar Mar Jinks!"
Mar Mar Jinks poked his long tongue out at the tree. Suddenly overcome by a desire to eat a clam, he headed off for the lake. He executed a double somersault and dived in.
Austen Time STARTED.
The gentlemen, dripping wet and with rather transparent white linen shirts, came back and carried their respective wives into the house. Quickly assigning rooms for everyone, Darcy yelled for Mrs. Reynolds to arrange for some midwives . . .
Lizzy sat up straight in her bed in the Lambton inn. She gasped and opened the window to cool her burning cheeks.
What kind of a dream was that?
She breathed deeply and closed her eyes.
Snowstorms in the middle of summer, a pantry, a honeymoon cruise, Van Diemen's land, lion skins, enchanted clergymen, prosecutors, pudding, clones, Jedi - what on earth was I thinking??
Yet overriding all of these was the image of Fitzwilliam Darcy.
In the pantry, on the ship, in the garden, oh my god!
Lizzy blushed and the room glowed. That's disgusting. As if I'll ever find myself acting like that around Fitzwilliam.
She went back to bed, determined to cast all thoughts of Mr. Darcy from her mind.
Problem was, she found herself wishing he was in bed with her.
Darcy sat up straight in his bed in the inn along the road to Pemberley. He gasped and opened the window to cool his burning cheeks.
What kind of a dream was that?
He breathed deeply and closed his eyes.
Snowstorms in the middle of summer, a pantry, a honeymoon cruise, Van Diemen's land, lion skins, enchanted clergymen, prosecutors, pudding, clones, Jedi - what on earth was I thinking??
Yet overriding all of these was the image of Elizabeth Bennet.
In the pantry, on the ship, in the garden, oh my god!
Darcy blushed and the room glowed. That's disgusting. As if that will ever happen. I'm the last person whom she could ever marry, he thought, depressed.
He went back to bed, determined to cast all thoughts of Elizabeth from his mind.
Problem was, he found himself wishing she was in bed with him.
"This is the music room," said Mrs. Reynolds, taking her guests on a tour of Pemberley House.
Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner looked at all the instruments and smiled.
"Would you not like to spend time here, Lizzy?" asked Mrs. Gardiner.
"Mmmmmm, yes, especially with Mr. - " She stopped her musings just in time.
"Well," replied Mrs. Reynolds. "If you will come this way, I will show you the pantry."
Elizabeth hung back, her cheeks pink.
The pantry - don't remind me. It's just like last night's dream.
When they came to the pantry, Lizzy blushed even redder, vividly remembering how pleasant her experiences in the pantry had been. Mrs. Reynolds wondered where the light was coming from.
Soon they decided they had had enough of touring, and the Gardiners and Lizzy left the house. They headed towards the lake, wondering why there were so many people camped out.
All I need to complete my dream is for Fitzwilliam to appear dripping wet, thought Elizabeth.
The trees parted, and there stood Mr. Darcy - dripping wet and very handsome indeed in his transparent wet shirt.
Lizzy gasped. "Mr. Darcy!"
Fitzwilliam was shocked. "Miss Bennet!"
Both of them remembered last night's dream-activities. The light turned pink, much to Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner's amazement.
Time STOPPED.
Up in the tree, Leareth grinned evilly.
"Hehehehehehehe . . . . . . . . ."
scribble scribble scribble . . . .
SPLOOOSH!
Out of the water came a very strange amphibious creature, jabbering in pidgin English.
"AHHHHHHHH!! Gemme outtasa this, okeday Lerryth?"
scribble scribble
POP!!!!
Marks looked at himself.
"Oh boi, oh boi, I love yous, I love yous forever!" he cried.
POP!
Out of the trees ran Toddles and Miss Bingley, hotly pursued by a naked lion.
"AAARRRGH!!!"
"GGGGRRRRRROWL!"
"HELP HELP HELP HELP!"
scribble scribble scribble
POP!
Out of the house ran Teg holding a camera, hotly pursued by the ladies of the DWG.
"Look, Tam, Danielle, Eva, Genette, Dawn, CM, Leah, everyone, I'll get you all ten copies of all the guys in their wet shirts, okay? No need to fight!" she cried to no avail.
"GIMME THE CAMERA!" screamed the Dwggies.
Teg screamed too and ran for Leareth's tree.
POP!
Jane and Bingley, locked in a passionate kiss, were seen in the bushes. They turned bright red.
"What are you looking at?" they demanded.
POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!
Lady Catherine, Major Toddles, Lise, Colonel Fitzwilliam, Wickham with Georgiana after him, Mr. and Mrs. Bennet, Kenneth Starr, Captain and Ann Wentworth, and everyone else in TODDLES appeared.
Lizzy fainted, and fell into the lake.
"Lizzy!" yelled Darcy, diving in after her.
At the same time, in her desperate bid to catch Teg, Eva did a rugby tackle - and also dived into the lake.
"Oopse daisy," said Marks.
Mr. Gardiner sat down on the edge of the lake, and cast out his fishing line. Soon, he careful drew in the line, and on the end of it, caught by the seat of his pants on the hook, came Darcy grasping Lizzy to him.
"What a fine catch," said Mr. Gardiner. He then cast his line again, and pulled out Eva.
Both ladies were soon lying on the grass unconscious. Unsure of what to do, Darcy looked to Marks for help.
"Mesa tink you help them," said Marks.
"How? Who first?"
Marks scratched his head. "Mesa tink you help Evva first, she be in der lake longest. You do CPR, okeday?"
With one look at Lizzy, Darcy quickly bent down and gave Eva a big gulp of air.
All the ladies of the DWG immediately turned green.
Eva coughed and sat up. Darcy moved over to Lizzy.
"Awwww!" whined Eva. "I want to do that again!"
Darcy leaned over Lizzy and placed his mouth on hers. He did not move, even after five minutes.
"Errrrr, doncha tink tis little bit long?" asked Marks.
Lizzy's eyes fluttered open then grasped Darcy's hair and pulled him closer. When they finally parted, Lizzy looked at Darcy for a long time.
"Fitzwilliam," she said.
Darcy jerked at being called by his first name by Elizabeth.
"Yes?"
Lizzy took his arm.
"We need to do a lot of talking," she said. "A lot."
Darcy did not mind a bit, not with Lizzy gently leading him towards a door the appeared out of nowhere, marked, PANTRY.
The crowd all cheered.
Suddenly, there was a bright light. Not coming from the various married couples, but from the sky.
No, it wasn't the sun.
A figure appeared in a beam of light.
No, it wasn't God - sort of.
Up in her tree, Leareth was frowning at her paper.
"What's going on? I'm not writing anything and Austen Time is still moving."
All the Pride and Prejudice characters went POP and disappeared. All the Dwggies fell to their knees and bowed in reverence before the figure.
"This is most irregular!" cried Jane Austen.
As one, all the Dwiggies said, "Oh, Miss Austen, how we all worship you, for bringing such light into our lives."
Jane Austen frowned and asked, "What on earth have you done to my stories? They are not meant to be made fun of."
Marks grinned and pointed to the tree.
"Itssall her falt!," he said.
Up in the tree, Leareth said, "Uh oh."
"Come down please," said Jane Austen.
Called by the idol of the DWG, Leareth came down.
"It's not my fault! It's theirs as well!" she protested, pointing to Marks, Teg, Bodecia, Eva and JenR.
Jane Austen frowned.
"May I ask what possessed you to take part in such a ridiculous venture?" she said.
The infamous TODDLES authors bowed their heads.
"It was fun," said Eva.
"It was silly," said JenR.
"It was hilarious," said Bodecia.
Marks kneeled before Jane Austen, goddess of the DWG.
"Pleasa don punnish usa, okeday? I give yous sum puddin?" he pleaded.
Jane Austen smiled.
"I will not, for it is a truth universally acknowledged that those who have such wild imaginations must be congratulated." She clicked her fingers and the P&P characters and the invented characters appeared again.
"I thank you all for applying your minds to livening up my stories, though perhaps I would have enjoyed it more if you had used less of the pantry."
She opened her hands and a large book appeared. The P&P characters all flew into the book, which she then shut.
"Keep writing!" said Jane Austen.
Jane Austen turned into a bright light and disappeared.
The Dwggies, still prostrated on the grass of Pemberley, realised that there was one character still there.
"HELP!" begged Toddles. "I need a story to live, or I will disappear . . . ."
Marks shook his head.
"Whatsa we do wif him, Lerryth?"
Leareth grinned and help up six pens for six authors.
"Write another story!"
Note: Never let a crazy girl write the ending.
Apologies to:
Marks (for turning you into a Gungan)
Teg (for making you get chased by everyone)
Bodecia, JenR and Eva (for being included as my fellow escapees from the loony bin)
George Lucas (for adding Mar Mar Jinks to the Gungan population)
Kenneth Starr (actually, I won't apologise to him)
Jane Austen (for plagiarism, unauthorised use of her characters, ridicule, etc . . . )
FINIS!