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Chiseling around the flourish of his own hand, Darcy focused on every corner and every bend. Hours passed, he stopped and brushed off the shavings from the wooden piece. After removing the goggles and setting it aside, he began to inspect his handiwork. With his long fingers, he traced the carved letters with such gentleness as if a man was caressing his lover's lips.
Lips. The memory of a pair the sweetest and most divine caused the familiar myriad sensations crashing inside him. He groaned. Trying to deflect those feelings, he refocused his attention on the handicraft cradled in his hands.
It was made of an oak piece he took from Pemberley. The ancient estate, which with all its grandeur and opulence, inevitably required rigorous maintenance so that its greatness could be preserved and passed on from one generation to the next. For the beautiful grounds alone, a regular staff was dedicated to pruning, trimming, and clearing. Perhaps he was being sentimental, during his rambling, whenever he spotted pieces to his liking, he would put them aside, and later, brought them back to Ackerley.
Over the years, what he had accumulated provided a good stock of seasoned wood for one of his favorite hobbies -- woodworking. While he crafted mostly small decorative pieces, the pleasure he derived from them was no less. The art of transforming a piece of raw wood into a piece of art was almost magical. And to know that it was his own hands that made it happened was both rewarding and exhilarating. Moreover, since the pace of woodworking was inherently leisure, time and again it had given him the much-needed relaxation whenever he sought it.
When looking for a place for his dwelling many years ago, he was drawn to this piece of property filled with oak trees. When the house was finished, he had christened it 'Ackerley,' which meant 'from the Oak-Tree Meadow.' The names and general design, the resemblance of the two houses dearest to his heart, linked his present to the generations past. Such premeditated design again showed his sentimentality.
One day, inspiration struck. Since the new greenhouse would need a sign, he decided to make one himself. The art of carving letters into wooden signs went back to the dawn of written history. A carved letter took time to create, it could not be erased, and it emoted feelings of care, eternity, and trust. Moreover, the beauty of a wooden sign, its natural warmth and sense of welcome it evoked was nonpareil.
So now lying before him was the first fruit of his inspiration. Although still quite preliminary, since he had only put in a few days of sporadic labor, it had captured his idea, that the basic construct, in turns of shape, design and carving, was complete. All it needed was time and patience until it was ready to grace the entrance of the greenhouse.
Time and patience. For most things in life these ingredients alone were sufficient. For some, however, they were not. A corner of his mouth lifted sardonically. Time had not deterred him. Patience he had plenty. But when it came to matters of the heart, so insuperable they seemed that neither time nor patience could overcome them. At that conjecture, he could not stop the deep sense of despair swelling inside him.
Since he was alone, he sighed as loudly as the occasion deserved. When the last bit of the audible exhalation was dissipated, his gaze returned to the oak piece. At least, with time and patience, a great part of what had etched upon his memory would be carved into it. After giving it another glance, he wrapping it carefully in soft clothes, put it inside the bottom drawer and locked it. No one should know about it. If the present were indicative of the future, perhaps no one ever would, and the greenhouse would remain forever nameless.
Heart wrenching, he got up and exited to the backyard. He had been working inside long enough and his body demanded some diversion. His feet brought him to his favorite meditation spot. It was also hers. He could not help recounting all the other things they also shared. Ignoring the knot in his heart, he sat down on the soft grass with his back leaning against the hard, weathered rock. The sun was beginning to set, but the late March clouds hid most of its usual glory. It did not matter. All was lost on him. His remembrance brought him back to a place and time that had haunted him ever since, and would continue to haunt him for as long as he lived.
No rush though I need your touch... **
Had he rushed? What had happened?
It had begun tumultuously but it had ended even more so. After successfully tearing himself away from her side, he was on his own. Before dawn, he was drawn by the music sheet at the piano. Nothing out of the ordinary, it had seemed perfectly innocent. Yet, no sooner did he glance at it than his heart had raced; his fingers ached to make the printed expressions alive. Deep in interpretation, he was further bewitched by the lovely vision that silently claimed a seat by his side. The proximity, that unique spirited fragrance, those hands, and those eyes had intoxicated him.
Stripped of all pretenses, he had bared his soul. And when he was rewarded by the tenderness in the eyes and face he so coveted, his heart had leapt with joy.
But it was only fleeting. He could not help thinking that he had deluded himself in seeing and feeling more than it was there. And as soon as she reminded him of his ungenerous words, his loving feelings had rapidly turned into frustration and rage. Before he knew it, he had gathered her in his arms and possessed her lips.
In that defining moment, he wilted hope had renewed. All doubts of her feelings were obliterated. When she surrendered, he was encouraged. His heart too full, his heart and soul again rejoiced. This only increased his ardor.
Alas! The pleasure was short-lived. Just as quickly, the seal on their lips was broken and so was that magic moment. The new chapter in the book of their lives that had barely begun was turned over.
"You're my everything, please be mine," he had murmured huskily. Still ravenous after repeatedly crushing her mouth under his, he began bestowing tender and delightful kisses on any bare skin his lips could find.
He had not meant to rush her. However, he had hungered for her touch for such a long, long time that it was no longer possible to restrain himself. But that glorious moment ended all too soon. The wonderful world that he had barely glimpsed was shattered by her astounding response.
"I'm sorry, this is a mistake," she said while trying to breathe normally.
His tightened jaws mirrored the tension bursting inside him. In an instant and quite roughly, his arms had repossessed her. Panic urged him to declare his devotion, his sacred love. Undeterred by her response, with his eyes, glowing with blatant love and desire, he pinned hers as he said what he had been repressing all these years.
"You mean the world to me." Determined to leave her no doubt of his feelings, he continued, "I've long loved you, but there was nothing I could do then. The world's protocol was against me. But now... I must tell you how I feel. I love you, with all my heart."
Her surprise was obvious. There was a long silence then. Was she overwhelmed? Before he could admonish himself for moving too fast, he heard her obligatory gratitude. Then, the final blow.
"I... I'm indeed honored. But there's someone else."
Stunned and disbelieving, his mind had exploded for the second time in that early hour. Except this time, for an entirely different reason. This was not the response he was expecting! These simple words destroyed the world he had envisioned, tearing up the new page that had barely written. There's someone else? She's seeing someone else? Who? Since when? He had not considered this possibility! Tormented by confusion, disappointment, and the sharp slam of jealousy, he had tightened his hold on her with such force that she winced.
"There's someone else?" Howling in frustration, he had repeated. His mouth tight with constrained anger and disappointment. Chest heaving, his eyes pinched shut trying to grasp some semblance of restraint. All the wishing, wanting, aching and longing were all for naught. Must he go through life knowing she could never be his, constantly seeing her belonging to someone else? After letting out a frustrated sigh, he reopened his eyes and studied her intently.
There was another long silence then. Meeting her unwavering gaze, finally, he had to admit defeat. With all his powers, he did not feel an ounce of it. Why must it always have to be this way with her? With resignation, he had pulled back, dropping his arms and stepping away before he could respond.
"Forgive me, had I known... " Feeling so overwhelmingly sad he could barely contain it, he had left the rest unsaid.
Just then, the first ray of sunlight broke through the windowpanes. A new day had begun. A beginning to an end. After the tumultuous exchange, the lack of any cast an eerie silence in the house. When the stillness was becoming too unbearable, she asked the unthinkable. After all that had happened, she had asked if they could still be friends.
"I've long treasured you as a friend, and you'd do me great honor to remain as one."
With trepidation, she had extended her hands. And with those eyes, she had looked up at him beseechingly. His eyes had lowered to her small hands and then returned to hers.
As a friend? Never kiss her again? Never feel her warmth embrace, her heart beating against his? Were the tenderness in her beautiful eyes and her sweet surrender only his imaginations? How could they go back to being friends after he had poured out those sacred emotions to her, and her alone?
He wanted so badly, more than he had ever wanted anything in his life, to reach out, to hold her there. But he knew that he could not. His heart had twisted in his chest and he knew that he would do anything in the world to make her happy. Besides, what choice did he have? If he had to choose between the two evils, losing her completely or retaining her friendship, he had no choice but the latter. He could not imagine life without her, even if she was only drifting in and out of it.
After another long silence, he resigned himself to her supplication. When he felt composed enough to response, he choked out the response she wanted.
"I wish... I wish there were another place and time, that we could be so much more. But as it is... " His voice began to trail off and he had to urge himself on, "It's not what I want, but... but if that's what you want, friends then."
It was thus that he had given his words and his promise. And their hands further sealed them.
The night had already fallen when he reached the end of this haunting memory. Squaring his shoulders, he told himself he ought to go inside, to move on. No amount of pining would change anything. He had done that long enough. And in more ways that he could count, heedlessly wounding himself and causing anguish on those who cared for him. He should not live out the remainder of his life constantly wishing and hoping for what was not meant to be. It was time to begin anew.
He began to walk inside. On his way, he passed her room. On their own, his feet stopped. But only for a few seconds. Then, they moved on.
As soon as the door was closed, Elyse leaned against it and closed her eyes. What had transpired incapacitated her, rendering her impossible to face anyone. Thank goodness, it was Saturday, and Aaron and Aster were with Glen! Alone and free, she could examine all that had happened in the past hours. After trapping indoors for so long, she felt the urgent need to seek solitude outdoors.
Trapped. The stirring sensation of being trapped in his arms and his lips made her instantly feverish. And she knew it was fever of a different kind.
Shaking her head, she walked into her room and put on a jogging suit. Since the morning was still early, she sought the familiar path leading to the reservation. Trying to untangle her thoughts, and since she was still quite weak, she decided to walk instead of jog. It felt good basking in the early morning sun. Her mind began to unwind. No sooner did she begin that treacherous journey than she felt her pulse hammering, and the occasion that caused that sensation began to relive in her mind's eyes.
Bathed in mind-spinning pleasure, she had melted at his touch and dissolved when his mouth forcibly claimed hers. Like a bottomless chasm at her feet, her whole self had trembled. Every nerve ending sang, every passion, both dormant and fresh, sprang to life. She was being kissed like she had never been kissed, felt what she had never felt. To her utter surprise, there was a need beyond measure, not just physically, but also to mesh emotionally, to entrap her heart to his. For one moment of blissful forgetfulness, she had abandoned everything except pure feelings.
But only for a moment. Then she panicked, a voice in her warned. And even before the pleasure was through, her heart had twisted with the contradiction of love and regret. Reality sank in as these trampled thoughts brought her back on solid ground...
Where did she stand in the eyes of the world? Memory of the day she walked the hall of Pemberley now took on a different light. Standing in front of his parents' portraits, didn't she wonder what great hopes they must have for their heir? What woman would be worthy of his regard? Moreover, what woman could share his enormous responsibility, burden, and challenge?
And what about Arthur's opinion on Darcy's choice? That whoever the woman, he hoped she was worthy of him, and that he was an excellent men and deserved someone in kind?
And, where did she really stand in his eyes? Memory of his Accusation and Steve's kisses and caresses reawakened all her shames. In truth, he had apologized. But if such thoughts had crossed his mind, he must have had believed them too.
Then came his passionate murmurs, so unexpected that they put her in a muddle. Should she believe what she heard and felt? Her heart had convulsed with the pain of knowing what could never be.
But there was more. With high emotion, he had spilled out his feelings. It was indeed thunderstruck. He said he had long loved her. How could it be possible? In retrospect, as a model of decorum, he was too honorable to show anything when she was not free. And afterwards, there were telltale signs that she had just begun to comprehend. While still recuperating from his admission, she had stared into his smoldering eyes. In them, she saw a pure heart and a deep, honorable soul. However, the expectation and the opinion of the world and her own had made it apparent what she should say.
With bated breath, she had told him there was someone else.
She knew that this was enough to deter him. Besides, it was not entirely untrue. Steve was pursuing her. Instead of explaining the obvious, the pragmatics, why not just give him a simple, decisive answer? It was not without a heavy sense of regret. It was one of the hardest things she had ever done, but she had made her decision. It was the right thing to do. It had to be.
He had paled and tensed. How his face had distorted when he demanded her reaffirmation was still vivid in her mind. Her fear from the force of his arms and the tone of his voice must have betrayed her. While still imprisoning her, he loosened his grip just a little. His struggle to rein in his emotions was too painful to watch. Nonetheless, meeting his tumultuous eyes, she had put in as much finality in her reaffirmation as possible.
"Yes, there is," she had said, her voice surprisingly steady.
Just three little words. But the dread of regret that followed had her almost undone. As much pain as this might inflict on him, her share of it was no less. She wished with all her heart that he would soon get over it. After all, a man like him could have anyone he wanted.
She continued her path in the reservation, passing tender shrubs and trees, and vibrant blossoms and blooms. At the sight of a field scattered with clusters of crocuses, she stopped to take a closer look.
However, her journey of the mind did not stop as she leaned against a majestic oak. Perhaps she was desperate to lessen her guilt, Arthur's other disclosure rang in her ears. The tapestry in Geneva. As if finally finding a valid reason to justify her response, she felt instantly relieved. And like the dissipating morning fog, the tightness in her chest felt less so.
This piece of intelligence from Arthur, regardless of how unwittingly that was conveyed, only fortified her conviction that she had done the right thing. What she had said should be enough. Enough to put an end to this unnatural fascination, on both sides. Besides, it had proven that he could transfer his affection without much difficulty. Hadn't it? He was supposedly to be besotted with this mystery woman. Yet, just an hour ago, he had declared his love to her so ardently. In retrospect, in some ways, especially those pertaining to a man's vitals, he was not unlike Steve. Wasn't he?
The thought of Steve just made her realized how incredible it was that, within only a few weeks, a woman like her should receive passionate outburst from two extraordinary men! Should she be flattered or perplexed? Pushing away from the oak, she almost laughed at that absurdity. Oddly, at that diverting thought, another wave of relief swept over her. Yes, she was right in telling Darcy the way she did.
Before leaving, unlike Steve, he had promised to retain their friendship. He was truly the most generous man! Sighing with relief and gratitude, she looked heavenward and found solace in glimpses of the clear blue sky. Moreover, the rays of sunshine filtering through the trees reminded her why friends were so special in the first place...
This was the way it should be. His friendship, which she had treasured steadily over the years, was only disrupted by his accusations. What would she give to go back to the way they were! Perhaps what had happened earlier this morning was just the catalyst that made the reversal possible.
Besides, the feelings he evoked were too frightening, too foreign, and too surreal. She must bury them. Life as it was, she ought not to dwell on them.
Now that the past few hours were thoroughly analyzed, she believed Darcy was out of his elements, acting out of character. Perhaps by now, he had come to his senses, feeling blessed and fortunate for the narrow escape. Perhaps like Steve, he was seduced by the moment. The hour was late, the music was haunting, and they were alone -- perfect ingredients for that moment of weakness to seep in, playing havoc in one's otherwise rational mind and beliefs.
No, such circumstance should never be repeated. After all, we were only humans. Hadn't she succumbed to two men within only a few weeks? She could not help frowning at herself. All her life, she had held on to her values and beliefs. Why was she so weak suddenly? And what about them? What had set them off? Definitely not her charms, she was sure of it.
Finding no answer to her satisfaction, she followed the scenic path and walked on. It really did not matter. It was about time to put a stop on these nonsensical thoughts. Time, once used, could never be regained. It was about time to put her life back on track. The way it was before these two men's passionate outburst. The way it was when they were friends.
* Isaac Watts
* The One (see Chapter 30: The One, for more lyrics)
*** Author Unknown
**** Plautus
Elyse and Steve emerged from intermission with high spirit, temporarily separated from their colleagues who also came along for tonight's performance by Cirque du Soleil. This excursion was all started one day during lunch when the highly acclaimed traveling troupe was their topic of conversation. A few days later, Steve surprised her with an invitation. Remembering her resolve, and therefore refraining from giving any encouragement in that direction, she was fully prepared to decline. Little did she know that Steve had already expected that and persuaded two other willing fans to join them. Finding nothing amiss, she accepted. And she was glad she did.
The performance was spectacular, just as spellbinding as anticipated. Time alone for herself was always a luxury. Time as enjoyable as this was rare. Much moved, she turned and smiled at her companion. The smile she bestowed on him reflected not only her pleasure for the evening, but also her gratitude for his friendship. Although Steve had not given her his words, in all appearances, their former rapport had been restored.
Seeing her beautiful eyes sparkled with joy directed at him, Steve was more than a little lightheaded. He could not help returning her smile. Certainly, having her by his side was his goal, but until that happened, giving her pleasure was just as important. And the pleasure is all mine. He had contented himself with taking one step at a time. For now.
Today's shown commanded a full house. As they navigated precariously through the crowd, he did not meant to but, somehow, his arm had reached out and quite possessively, held onto her slim waist and gathered her close. As soon as he realized what he had done, he was again shaken by the sensation summoned up by her feminine power. He almost groaned. Nonetheless, he tried to savor this rare moment of proximity. As if his enjoyment was destined to be short-lived because no sooner had they found a standing spot than they found themselves being addressed.
"Elyse!" Before Elyse could register the familiar voice, Alex was at her side, grinning.
"Alex!" she exclaimed, giving his hands an affectionate squeeze. It was a few seconds later when she caught sight of the other familiar faces.
"Elyse, what a coincidence!" Robert, Alex's father, was next to greet her.
Still smiling, Elyse shook his hands before acknowledging his wife. When she got to the last two, for a good long second, she hesitated, and her shimmering smile lost some of its luster.
Already an ethereal beauty, Heather, bridesmaid at Charlotte's wedding, was dressed to perfection. Elyse did not miss the intimate and triumphant way she held on to Darcy's arm, nor could she account for the sharp pang of jealousy rising inside her.
Jealousy? Or was it disappointment? however irrational it might sound. Yet, even knowing he had the means and the power, and that she had neither the right nor claim on him, she still found the sight disturbing. Vanity and flattery. Apparently, even honorable men had their shares of human frailties. Telling him what she did was probably one of the wisest decisions she had ever made! Thank goodness that she had let her head rule her heart, and that she had thrust aside all those novel feelings and haunting thoughts.
While Elyse was thus contemplating, the expressions on Darcy's face were strangely impassive, a complete opposite to his companion, who was aglow with excitement.
"Well, hello! How do you do?" Heather broke into a dazzling smile and eyed the pair in front of her with speculation.
Before Elyse could return the greeting, Beverly chimed in, "Well, Elyse, who's this charming young man here?"
By now, Elyse had gathered herself enough for the obligatory civilities.
"Oh, this is Steve, we all work for Darcy and Arthur," she said archly, her eyes purposely sweeping over Darcy, confident in what his preconceived notions might be.
Steve, being his usual charming self, proceeded to express his pleasure of making their acquaintances. During these pleasantries, the two cousins were silent observers.
If Elyse had intended to provoke some reactions from her object, she had succeeded more than imaginable, although it was well concealed by the same object. An internal battle, which begun as soon as Darcy laid eyes on the pair, continued to war on. Holding his spot and trying desperately to rein in his composure, his eyes narrowed at them.
The night had begun inauspiciously. At the last moment, his aunt had dragged him in, claiming that her friend could not attend. As soon as he saw Heather, he knew what his aunt was about. Since he had already arrived, good manners precluded an escape. Fortunately, everyone else was good company, and the contortionists, acrobats, and trapeze artists in the show were entertaining enough.
However, no sooner had he emerged from the crowd than he saw his beloved held possessively in his arms. When she told him there was someone else, he thought his entire being had taken all the blow it could take. But now, seeing the two standing before him so intimately, that magnitude was negligible compared with the savage force slashing him inside. Struck by such a vehement force that he was actually grateful for the firm hold on his arm by his decorative admirer.
So, Steve is the 'someone else!' Since when? Good G-d! What is she thinking?
This development must be quite recent. He still remembered how offended she was when he accused her. Although not without disappointment, dismay, or rage, he could only suppose that she was not unlike other women who had succumbed to Steve's charms. Lovely and desirable as ever, she seemed to enjoy Steve's company. And deuce take it, Steve was grinning ear-to-ear. But who wouldn't?
Seething, he tried to force down all revolting thoughts. Stunned, bruised, and immobilized, his face hardened into an emotionless mask. He clenched his jaws and eyed the pair with distaste. He had been a fool. He should have known. He had seen enough of what was going on in the office. His Accusation was just. What devil had induced him to open his heart just to have it trampled on was still a mystery.
Adding injury to misery, with their similar lively disposition, he had to admit that they made a stunning pair. Suddenly, it dawned on him that while his manners were cordial at their best, they were reserved and by no means inviting. So, why wouldn't she favor Steve instead? However, even this admission could not lessen the blinding jealousy and excruciating pain that was gnawing him inside.
Standing nearby, Alex measured the handsome stranger not without a hint of jealousy at first. But it was quickly replaced by happiness for his friend. So, Elyse had allowed herself some chance of happiness after all! He did not miss the admiration in Steve's eyes, which fixed on her often. Alex could not blame his excellent choice. When his eyes shifted to his cousin, he was taken aback by the impressions he beheld.
Granted, Darcy could not be in a good mood. Alex sighed, his eyes shifting to his mother. She really should stop meddling. Other than indifference and boredom, over the years, Darcy had obliged her matchmaking scheme out of duty. But this time, she had gone too far. Moreover, Heather's obvious flaunting only added to his cousin's irritation. Yet, all things considered, he had never seen him so still, so stature-like. Standing next to him, he could detect the slightest of tremor on his lips and the controlled, hard swallowing in his throat. He looked so pale, all color drained from his face. He could see Darcy was trying to conceal his emotions, and only someone who knew him as well as he did could detect that unmistakable glint of agony in his eyes.
As Alex was trying to think when had he seen that look before, his attention drifted to Elyse. What he saw piqued his curiosity even further. She had greeted everyone warmly, but when she reached Darcy and Heather, she hesitated. With Heather, he could understand, since she hardly knew her. But with Darcy, he was perplexed. Having known each other for so long, their exchange should have been warm. Instead, it was distance and strained. Unbidden, their talk in Darcy's office that evening came to mind. Perhaps Darcy and Elyse had not yet reconciled? Yes, that was it, he had seen that agonizing look in Darcy's eyes that evening. But before he could speculate further, the intermission adjourned. After another round of greeting, the two groups went their separate ways.
Since Alex sat next to Darcy, he could not help noticing the transformation. Before intermission, Darcy was tolerably at ease. Afterwards, however, not even the superb performance could break the wall of silence he erected around himself. He saw him clenching and unclenching his fists often. Alex's heart sank, knowing that it was only with ultimate discipline that his cousin could sit through the rest of the show.
Afterwards, they had planned to go out for dinner. Alex was not surprised when Darcy excused himself, claiming a headache and some urgent business. With worried eyes, he watched his cousin's lonesome figure disappearing into the darkness. He made a mental note to talk to his mother about her unwarranted meddling.
Why does it have to be this way? Staring at the phone, Steve muttered to himself. Just when things between him and Elyse were beginning to look up, now this? Pushing away from the desk, he got up and stepped out to the balcony.
Although technically, he had not gone out with her, but he had every reason to hope. Not to be vain, no woman in his past was immune to his charms. Well, except her. While this experience was singular, he believed that sooner or later, she would give in. How she had managed to eradicate his edict of never mixing personal and professional lives was indeed extraordinary. At her request, as much as he loathed the idea, he had taken the initiative to resume their friendship. Cutting her off from his life at this jointure was not an option.
But the call from his father would leave everything to chance. Leaning against the wrought-iron railing, he let out a low sign of frustration as he gazed into the sky. His elder brother was in an accident. Thankfully, nothing detrimental. However, rehabilitation would be required to ensure full recovery. While his father was more than willing to come out of retirement to fill in the vacancy, as a son, he could not feel right about it.
Perhaps it was about time to assume the family's responsibilities, which he had casually walked away from years ago. Now after many years of drifting and exploring, he could safely say that he had little regret in how his life had turned out. With experience and the passing of time, he had matured. He believed he had become a better man.
Yet, in the back of his mind, from time to time, there was always this little guilty conscience to remind him that he should attend to his duties, even if just a little. He knew what he owed his family, who had been nothing but loving, supportive, and understanding. They had let his independent spirits roam, so that he could venture, grow, and mature in his own pace. Certainly, his father was more than capable to step in and he enjoyed it, but he knew that the time had come. He must put the needs of his family in line with his own. Now that experience had shaped his perspectives, he was not adverse to the idea or the expectation. Moreover, while his brother was doing an admirable job, his father had told him, in more than one occasion and in confidant, that with his temperaments, he would be a more suitable candidate.
But what about Elyse? He was achingly aware of the consequence should he decide to walk away now. His heart constricted at that thought. Moreover, embedded in his mind, this dreadful feeling that she could never be his had never left him. He had never felt so insecure about a woman. Perhaps this turn of event would allow him to put some distance between them. Or perhaps once he was gone, she might miss him. It would be risky, but it seemed to be the only choice. Either he would win her or lose her. Yes, he must go.
As company tradition, Darcy and Arthur took turns hosting company gatherings. This time it was Darcy's. A garden party was held around Summer Solstice, just before his usual removal to Maine. The day was still early. Darcy took his usual spot in the workshop, trying to put a few finishing touches on the greenhouse sign. The final coating of varnish had been applied and it was drying nicely.
It's over and done with.
The fruit of his many months of labor now lay before him. Not bad at all for an amateur, he smiled with satisfaction. Varnished in a coat of honey tan, the wooden sign embodied a quiet elegance, in harmony with the theme of Ackerley. Surrounding the flourish of his own hand were oak leaves of various shapes, sizes and colors. Beginning with vibrant green on the top, then gradually, they wore hues of yellow, orange, red, and brown -- a continuum of nature.
As everlasting as his love for her.
Seemingly, every thought he had always returned to her. Even now, he could not love her any less. Aghast by the treacherous stinging in his eyes, he shook away her image as his fingers traced what was to be the name of the greenhouse. Now that the sign was done, its completion also signified the stashing away of a significant part of him. Trying to ignore the jagged pain in his heart, haphazardly he pulled a soft cloth over the oak piece before pushing himself away from the workbench. No, he would not think of it, he would not think of her. As if such chanting would rid his frustration.
No sooner had he done that than he heard footsteps coming his way. An all-too-familiar voice then followed, with its owner exclaiming her discovery.
"Oh, you are here!" Elyse cried with energy, her breath somewhat ragged from the unplanned excursion.
He froze on his track. She was the last person he expected to see. The only person who could simultaneously set his pulses racing and heart stopping. All he could do was stare. Thankfully, she was still bursting with energy, thereby saving him the trouble of responding.
"Clarke said I might find you here. Most of the guests have arrived. He asked that if we could be honored with your presence." Then, she smiled up at him in that teasing manner that never failed to drive him insane.
Staring down at her upturn face, he swallowed hard as the image of the last time she had graced his home rushed to him. However, the past few months had changed everything. Yet, in retrospect, nothing had really changed. They were still friends.
He forced down that maudlin thought. True to his promise, he had taken extra care to ensure their friendship. Given what happened, he thought they had dealt with an otherwise awkward situation admirably. Nonetheless, his heart still died every time she was near, knowing she belonged to someone else. Yes, Steve had taken a temporary personal leave of absence, but he knew the lovers still kept in touch. Ruthlessly, he pushed aside the memories that threatened to invade his peace of mind. Those were for later, when he was alone.
But for now, he would not think of it. Instead, he would seize the moment. She was here alone with him, was she not? She was smiling at him, was she not? Pathetic it might sound, and that it was only a minute ago he had vowed to not think of her, somehow, he found comfort in her presence, even if it was only fleeting. With that thought, he smiled, just a tiny curving of the corners of his mouth.
He rarely smiled, but when he did, the effect was devastating. Ironically, his smile put a damper on hers. Although they had tried, but neither one could deny the change in their dynamics. But even under these tense circumstances, she was too aware of the powerful current of attraction she felt at his nearness. Perhaps it was the confine of the workshop, suddenly, she felt rather warm. Her heart began to race, and the feelings he evoked that fateful night was threatening to trample on her all over again. Trying to hide her discomposure, she shifted her gaze to the table he had just vacated.
Not quite concealed by the soft cloth, the honey oak piece caught her attention. As if being summoned, she walked towards it. She was about to unveil the hidden treasure when his hand closed on hers, stopping her, but not before she took in the elegant flourish of the capital letter 'E.' She looked at him inquiringly. But before she could speak, he began.
"I'm sorry, it's not quite finish, my first and feeble attempt in sign making." He forced a smile and apologized while wrapping up the piece securely and putting it aside.
"Oh, a sign? What's it for?" She asked, more curious than offended by his interception.
Unable to avert his eyes from hers, he could feel his resolve melting away. Alarmed, he shut his eyes and turned away. When his eyes found hers again, he responded with a forced neutral tone.
"It's a sign for the greenhouse... " Trying to modulate his breathing, he could not continue.
"Are you naming it 'Eden' too?" She suggested brightly, clueless to the torture she was putting him through.
She had only deduced logically, based on what she had just glimpsed. To her, it made perfect sense; that was the name of the greenhouse in Pemberley. Over the years, she had noticed that, in one sentimental way or another, he liked to tie his two homes together.
"No." It was the only response he could give. After taking a deep breath, he looked down at his faded denim shirt and jeans. With a ghost of a smile, he continued, "I think my guests are waiting for me and I need to make myself presentable, don't you think?"
Now that Elyse was an employee and had come to know more people over the past few months, she enjoyed this gathering more than ever. In her previous job, she hardly participated in social gathering beyond the normal working hours. Life was so different then. In truth, it was mainly due to Glen's oppressiveness, but also the working environment. There were so many good things about this company -- talent people, invigorating assignment, and most importantly, the opportunities for growth. Yes, life had been kind, now a free woman and having a new job, she had given a second chance. She was indeed fortunate.
A familiar rich timbre nearby commanded all her attention. While far from flamboyant, her host was gracious, attentive, and obviously enjoyed being with his subordinates. And the feeling was mutual. The absolute respect they bestowed on him was truly a sight to behold. And the most awesome thing was their feelings were genuine, not peppered with exaggeration or flattery. Her thought was then interrupted by the conversation nearby. The topic centered on the upcoming vacation plans. She was content herself with being an observer, occasionally acknowledging with a nod and a smile, when suddenly, she found herself the center of attention.
"So, Elyse, what's your vacation plan for the summer?" She turned and met Arthur's merry eyes.
"Well, nothing much as usual, since Aaron and Aster will be at camps," she supplied, returning his smile.
"Not getting away just for a little bit?' A colleague asked.
It was then something crossed her mind. Without thinking, she supplied, "Oh! I almost forgot. Yes, I'll be in France for a few days visiting a friend."
"A friend?" Someone teased. She turned and realized he was one of the two who had come along with her and Steve the other night.
"Yes, a friend!" she retorted, eyes flashing.
"I know he'll be thrilled," the same person put in, wriggling his eyebrows good-humoredly.
Knowing he was only teasing, Elyse laughed whole-heartedly. It was obvious that some opinions had been formed at work. While Steve had tried to suppress his feelings, he could never hide them completely. It only became more apparent as soon as his edict was broken. However, the same could not be said for Elyse, regardless of how she felt about the matter.
"Please, it's supposed to be a surprise. So don't spoil it for us." Matching his tone, she feigned a warning and put in teasingly.
Little did she know that this conversation wounded someone nearby greatly. When this plan was revealed, Darcy's gray eyes were ablaze with incredulous fury. Even she had told him so, even he had seen them together at the theater, deep in his heart, he was still in denial, refusing to believe. He had pushed their image together somewhere down deep where it would not make him too crazy with remembering, with wanting what he could not have. But now, as plain as day, the blatant fact was smacking across his face and planting a dagger in his chest. It was too much. He was beginning to feel as though a pressure valve had blown and he was about to erupt.
As if commanded by that lethal force, Elyse looked up and their eyes locked fiercely. She stood still, her heart hammering at the mixture of pain and anger simmering in his mesmerizing eyes. It was then that she realized how her plan must have interpreted. She shifted at her spot and averted her eyes. Well, as least this only further confirmed what she had told him. Any sensible man would be deterred by now. After all, "we can all begin freely -- a slight preference is natural enough; but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement." * She said to herself.
She hoped it was her imagination, that it was not pain but distaste she saw in his eyes. How he held Steve in his estimation in this regard was clear, and she could well imagine the same, if not worse, he did for her. Regardless, this was inconsequential. Now more than ever, she believed that they could really move on with their lives.
"Good G-d! I have no idea that Elyse and Steve is an item!" Arthur exclaimed after everyone had left. This knowledge had grated on his nerves all evening. He had stayed behind. There were a new few administrative items to discuss before Darcy left for his summer retreat. Receiving no response, he continued. "Have you?"
"It appears some people have," Darcy supplied wryly.
"I can't say that I'm not disappointed. Don't get me wrong, Steve is a fabulous fellow and his contributions to the company are many, but I'm not sure if he's right for her." Arthur huffed.
"As adults and professionals, they're free to make their choices." Darcy said gruffly, trying to put an end to the topic. He walked across the room to the refreshment table.
"I suppose you're right. But if any woman could tame Steve, it'd be Elyse," Arthur managed to find humor in it. "Just the fact that she makes him break his forsworn rule speaks volume, don't you think?"
Even when he tried to take this matter lightly, Arthur still had reservation. Early on, he had taken a special liking of Elyse, and his fondness of her had only increased over time. He worried that she might become another casualty, especially knowing how she had suffered from her previous marriage. But Darcy was right; she was free to make choices. With that, his attention returned to his friend. However, he was astounded by the odd and unprecedented behaviors exhibiting before him.
Darcy had forced down a generous portion of liquor quite savagely. As if bracing himself against the sudden, unfamiliar onslaught in his throat and his brain, he shut his eyes tightly. But what was assaulting him physically was nothing compared to the violent emotions that were taking him to a foreign and dangerous dimension. Suddenly, his energy was so pent up that he wanted to do the unthinkable, such as crashing the glass into the fireplace, pounding with his fists, or throwing the chairs across the room. He would have done all of that if not for the presence of his mentor.
"Darcy, are you all right?" Arthur asked, concern welled up in his voice.
The sound of refilling the glass was the only response he received. Seeing Darcy was about to empty another glassful, he was alarmed. He walked over and stopped the impending motion.
"Darcy, are you mad? You must stop!" With some force, he removed the offending item from Darcy. "What's the matter with you? Since when have you begun drinking like this?" He reprimanded in a paternal accusatory tone.
Arthur's unsolicited intervention only fueled Darcy's ire. The constriction was too tight in his chest for him to summon speech. Finally, the repressed rage and affliction finally erupted. And it was an eruption of exponential magnitude.
"Leave me alone! What I do is nobody's business!" Darcy bellowed, the first time in their many years of acquaintance.
No sooner did he act so ungraciously than he realized what he had done. The look on his mentor's face at his singular display of temper smote him to the core. And for a space of a few breaths, the two men stared at each other in utter surprise and frozen silence.
The remorse he felt for his behavior finally pushed him off the edge. Abruptly, Darcy turned and marched towards the windows, his back to his mentor in shame. Even knowing he was fooling himself that he was safe, he could not control the trembling that overtook him. Desperately needing support for his unsteady frame, his hands gripped onto the window frames with convulsing force.
Staring after him, Arthur had never been so shocked in his life. Where was the invincible, calm, and collected man he had known all these years? The deep sense of grief it emanated was such a discord with the tall, lithe, powerful figure. Then, suddenly, it hit him. It all became clear. Good G-d! Why hadn't he noticed it all these times?
With his heart filled with sorrow and compassion, Arthur walked towards where Darcy stood. Other than putting his arms around his shoulders, he did not say anything. And there he remained until he felt the last of the trembling subsided. Neither one knew or cared how long they had stayed that way.
Just before Arthur was ready to leave, in a voice half-pleading and half-commanding, Darcy choked out, "Please forgive my outburst, Arthur, it was most unintentionally done. And... and please, let's not discuss this, not to anyone."
It was done. The key was turned. The oak piece was packed away. Now he must do the same for that part of his life and his memory. In less than an hour, he would leave for Maine. And a long absence would follow. Just like he had done in his previous trips since she left, he had to stop by this special place.
Once he reached his destination, using the same key that had locked the sign in its safekeeping, he opened the door to the room he had ordered shut so long ago.
The night had long been fallen. Except for the light of the crescent moon filtering through the windows, the room was completely dark. However, it was not an impediment. He knew everything there by heart. With decisiveness, he found the lighter and lit two candles at the mantel. In an instance, the room was suffused with warm glow and the familiar, spirited fragrance -- a mixture of lily, lilac, rose, peony, and violet leaves.
Like the first time it caught him, it tickled his senses, and instantly, he drew in his breath and let his eyes seek her presence. And there he found her -- immortalized in the tapestry now hanging above the fireplace in the room she had once occupied. After taking in her essence, just like he had done it so many times before, he began savoring every item in the room, one at a time.
After she left Ackerley, in a surge of madness, he walked the floors of many stores, trying to find the fragrance she wore. By no means it was an easy task. But one day, his persistence was finally rewarded. To his delight, he also found scented candles. Although it was only a faint reminder of her, but at times when nothingness was all there was, it was abundance.
His eyes caught the pictures next. While the pewter frame claimed its usual spot by the nightstand in his room, the ones here he had added over the years. There were pictures of her in Geoffrey's birthday party, Richard's wedding, and various company occasions. He picked up each one and remembered the exact details -- the way she was and what she was doing when it was taken.
When he was done, he moved onto the Queen Ann's desk. There, copies of her work were organized neatly. He picked up a few and leafed through them. Again, he searched through his memory for the occasion how each of them was transpired.
It was then he stepped into the middle of his sanctuary, the place he enshrined her. In all, there were so little reminders of her. So little of her he could hold onto tangibly. So inversely proportional to the way she filled his heart, his soul, or in whatever name you gave that place where his truest, most elemental self resided. He must say goodbye to this place until September. Regardless of how often he had done it, it was always so hard to say goodbye.
It's so hard to say goodbye
Because my heart just can't stop loving you
It's so hard to say goodbye
And let you go
Somehow, this time, even knowing he would return, he felt that in many ways, this could be the 'goodbye.' Even so, he could not stop his eyes tracing the tapestry with all his hunger and yearning. She lived in his mind. He did not need to gaze at it to feel her presence all over again.
Love colors your world in ever blending shades
But where is there to run to
When the coloring fades
Over times, his extensive handling of the tapestry had caused the colors beginning to fade. Hope, like the state of the tapestry, was also forced to fade in the ruthless passing of time.
I'm lost in the void, a lonely black charade
Love changes into sadness like a raging cascade
I'm so afraid to lose you
I can't accept the truth although I've tried
I need you all the time
Returning to the pictures, he picked up one and traced her face like he had done so many nights with the pewter frame when he was so alone. Then he remembered their kisses and embrace. So intimate and so consuming. In that glorious moment, every empty place in his being was filled, overflowed with light, and his spirit had soared. Even if it was only just for a moment...
It's so hard to say goodbye
Because I know I'll go on wanting you
It's so hard to say goodbye
But what else can I do
What else can I do
Just then, the candlelight flickered and a tiny spark ignited. And just as suddenly, as if trying to defy the premonitory 'goodbye,' he was seized by the urgent calling that he must not leave something so dear to him behind. Gazing up the tapestry, he reached up and took it down.
I know we must part to go our separate ways
But how can I be sure of just how much of me stays
When deep inside I need you
No matter what I tell myself, it's true
I need you all the time **
After rolling it up gently, he blew out the candles and waited. When the fragrance subsided, he opened the door and left the room just as quietly as he had entered it.
* Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
** Hard to Say Goodbye (Camerron/Hawkshaw)
As the plane was on its way to its destination, Elyse looked out into the darkness from the windows and let her mind wander.
Another school year had ended. Before they began summer camps, with much anticipation, Aaron and Aster had gone with Glen for a week-long camping trip. Overall, they had dealt with the situation tolerably well. Putting the children's best interests in mind, she and Glen had succeeded in retaining some basic elements of their once family unit. And the youngsters were striving. Perhaps even in the face of traumatic event, if one could just hold on to faith, there was always hope?
If her life so far were testimony to that supposition, she found solace for given that extraordinary spiritual grace. Her own needs aside, at least the two dearest people in her life, her main reason for living, were beholden to this safe haven. Contented with an inner peace, she closed her eyes and sighed.
A slight movement from the passenger beside her caused a temporary cessation of her meditation. At the same time, the muted roar of the engines reminded her that, in a few hours, she would be in a place she had never been before. She looked forwards to it with equal pleasure and apprehension. France, a country with infinite charms and allurements, at least that was her impression. However, sightseeing was not her main objective for this journey. Steve was. It would be good to see him again. In truth, his absence was felt by all at work. Yet, she dreaded what she was set out to do. Unbidden, her thought turned to the very circumstance that had decided this journey for her.
One day at work, when the receptionist called to inform that a 'Mr. Remington' was requesting to see her, Elyse was bewildered. The only one with that last name came to mind was Steve. But why didn't he come to her directly?
As soon as she rounded the corner to the main entrance, she was surprised to see it was indeed Mr. Remington. Except that it was Percy, Steve's father, who was there.
"Elyse! Good to see you, please accept my apology for dropping by so unexpectedly." Tilting his head slightly, Percy extended his hands for a warm handshake. Other than a hint of fatigue, he was as charming as the last time she saw him.
"Mr. Remington! Indeed this is a surprise! Is everything okay? How's Steve?" She could not help feeling a little apprehensive. To have him coming all this way must mean something.
"Call me Percy please, as I've so requested the first and last time we met." His eyes twinkled. After a quick look at his waist watch, with a more serious tone, he continued. "I have to apologize again but I hope we can talk over lunch somewhere. If you already have plans, I'd understand." He looked at her expectantly.
Something about the way Percy looked at her discomforted her. Since her lunch schedule was clear for the day, she nodded. "I have no plans. I'll be right back, just give me a few minutes."
Percy took Elyse to the same restaurant. After giving their orders, they sat in tentative silence, each pondering the last time they were here. The moment Percy began, Elyse knew her hunch was right.
"Elyse, I could've talked to you over the phone but decided to come instead. Firstly, let me assure that Steve is fine and doing a wonderful job while my elder one is recuperating."
Elyse then inquired about his elder son and was told that he was mending well. It would be only a matter of time before he was fully recovered. Their beverages arrived. Percy took a few sips, and with his eyes on Elyse, he resumed.
"I love my family. Other than Steve in his younger days, they've never given me concern." He stirred his drink as he continued. "I respect my family's privacy, but Steve hasn't been acting himself. I don't know what happened. Come of think of it, everyone else likes the change in him. It's quite refreshing." He let out a few laughs. "He seems more mature, more responsible, and more focused. I know this sounds odd, but with all these improvements, I sort of miss his usual liveliness." At the end of his speech, he eyes fixed on Elyse.
Other than squirming a little, Elyse knew not what to say. When Steve told her about the personal leave, secretly she was relieved. Knowing his intention, she could not be at ease, no matter how hard she had tried. While he had not made any more advances, he could never hide his open admiration. To further complicate the matter, because he had respected her wishes, her opinion of him had improved.
In truth, other than his past, there was so much in him to admire. And if a woman loved him enough, that part of him could easily be ignored. Besides, what difference should the past make if a couple really cared for each other? Only the present and the future should matter. However, deep in her heart, she knew that she could never be that woman. But more importantly, she could not give him what he wanted. She could not explain it; just that it did not feel right.
These past few weeks, she had much to think about. The end of her introspection was just the beginning of her self-admission. How her innermost feelings were being evoked was something she could no longer deny. With Glen, it was ancient history made when her eyes were blinded by the passion of youth. And that history would not repeat itself. With Steve, she was content to be the best of friends. She could not return his affection, nor feel right about what he had expected of her.
Traversing along the path where her significant acquaintances were found, the next and last one stood out vividly, and before she knew it, a knowing light flashed across her mind...
With Darcy, everything seems different, is different, feels different. He is different...
Stunned at the heedless path her thought had taken, she almost bolted from her seat. Not even the distance between heaven and earth was enough to catalog their manifold differences! Notwithstanding how I feel. Instantly, she was disengaged from her reverie and an expected response from her companion restored her frame of mind.
"Perhaps he needs more time to adjust. After all, he has established much in the states. Although I know nothing about his new duties, I dare say they're quite different from what he has accustomed to here," she offered.
"True in all counts," Percy smiled at her appreciatively. Just then, their orders arrived. After a measured pause, he resumed. "As I was saying, you're right, but as his father, call it an intuition, I suspect there's more to it. " He glanced up at her with meaning.
"As a parent myself, I understand and you're probably right." Elyse evaded his inquisition.
"Steve has talked little less besides you," he deadpanned. Seeing her confused expressions, he continued. "Steve and I are very close, and I'm glad that he trusts me enough to tell me things that he wouldn't have with anyone, not even my wife. Forgive me if I'm intruding on your privacy, where do things stand between you two?"
Shocked by his forthrightness, Elyse could not immediately reply. Trying to compose an answer, she put down the utensils and took a sip of her drink. Sensing her discomfort, Percy looked at her and spoke gently.
"Steve thinks the world of you. He told me that much and I believe him completely. I know he had a certain reputation, but that was a long time ago. Since then, he has become quite the opposite. All these years, I've watched and wondered if he'd ever find that special someone. Because you see, his devotion, once bestowed, is complete."
"I... I have no idea," Elyse stammered, realizing the implication of this revelation.
"Who would've? If his past actions were any indication," Percy laughed a little. "Because of his many advantageous qualities, most women just won't leave him alone. Flattered by all these attentions, oh, he has indulged himself from time to time, not unlike most men in similar situation. But as his father, and knowing the way I do, I can voucher that he now knows better."
Feeling increasingly uncomfortable with this conversation, Elyse felt she must speak now. Although she hardly knew Percy, somehow she felt confident enough to be frank.
"Percy, Steve did tell me about his feelings. I'm truly flattered. He's a wonderful man and I'm very fond of him. However, there're many reasons why I can't return his regard, and I've told him. Since then, we've agreed to remain friends. I thought we've cleared the air." Her gaze never wavered as she spoke.
Percy sighed. Steve had told him that much, too. He wanted only happiness for his family. In all fairness, he could not blame her. But as a loving father and a man used to having his way, he could not bear to see Steve suffer. He must do something, even if it meant meddling a little.
"I hope it's too much to ask, but we'd be delighted if you'll come visit us. According to Steve, your schedule is less hectic in the summer," he said with anticipation.
Surprised, Elyse stared at him in question. As if reading her mind, Percy laughed and provided the reassurance.
"All of us will be delighted to meet you, just for a few days. Oh, your children are invited too."
With that, Percy continued to persuade her. By the time lunch was over, he had succeeded. However, Elyse's decision to go was not based on his persuasion alone. Before this meeting, she was still skeptical about Steve's declaration. If Percy was telling the truth, she must settle things with Steve, hopefully, once and for all.
"Elyse!"
In one swift motion, an ecstatic Steve scooped Elyse up to his arms. When his eyes finally looked into hers, he beamed with delight. This was indeed a surprise. He shot his father a grateful glance.
Laughing, Elyse protested and demanded to be put down. Steve obliged but not before bestowing a few kisses on her cheeks. Holding her only an arm away, he looked her up and down appraisingly as his smiles deepened.
"How I miss you!" He claimed her hands and let her to a sofa in the living room in his dwelling, located in the lavender-tufted countryside Provence in southern France.
There had been a change in plan. Because of the various cultural festivals typical throughout the area during the summer season, the family had came to stay with Steve for a week or two.
"Well, son, here she is! I don't want to be on your way so I'll leave you now," Percy winked. "Elyse, welcome. You'll get to meet the rest of family later at dinnertime." With a nod, he was gone.
Before his father turned the corner, Steve returned his undivided attention to Elyse. "Really, I have no idea that you're coming!" he confessed. "What did my father say to you? That I'm so lovesick with you that you're sorely needed?" he said mockingly.
"Something like that," Elyse jested. "Well, since I've come all this way, I expect to have a grand tour of the house, and everywhere else. You know I'm very fond of sightseeing!"
And Steve was too happy to oblige. After a quick tour of the house, Elyse got on Steve's convertible and for the remaining of the day, they went on a leisurely tour. Romantic, gay, and sunny, Provence embodied the essence of the relaxed south.
By the time they returned to the house, the rest of the family was already waiting. After a quick introduction, dinner was served. A stream of easy conversation and excellent wine accompanied the down-to-earth cuisine. Surrounded by the natural affections among the family members and the hospitality she received, Elyse enjoyed herself thoroughly.
Afterwards, Steve led her to the patio. It was a glorious night, and the early-summer weather was just about perfect. Quite caught up with the moment, Elyse sighed.
"I presume that's a satisfactory sigh?" Steve handed her a glass of wine.
"Indeed! This place, this town, is just pure wonder! I won't be surprised that you don't want to come back."
"It's just another dwelling, it's whom I am with that counts." Reaching out and gathering her hands in his, he spoke softly, "I miss you, I think I've said that already, but I really do."
"Would it help if I say 'I miss you' too?" Still teasing, she tilted her chins.
"Yes, but do you?" His eyes darkened with anticipation.
Recognizing that look, Elyse averted her eyes. Feigning a playful tone, she replied, "Who doesn't? The hearts of women of all ages were broken the day you left!"
Steve pulled her closer. Tracing her lips with his long fingers, he said with feelings, "Mine was the day I left you." Before he could draw her in for a kiss, she moved away. Heart wrenching, he looked at her and apologized, "I'm sorry, I just can't help myself."
His intention was unmistakable, and Elyse dreaded it. Yet, she had come this far and with a mission, and she must see to its completion. However, now that she was here, she could not immediately find a way to begin. She resorted to studying him. While his appearance seemed very much the same, there was something different about him. She could not gage it, but he seemed more steadfast than the image she remembered. And she liked what she saw. It became him. Unknowingly, she smiled as she replied.
"Percy has convinced me to come, he's concerned about you. I don't know what he had in mind when he asked me to come. But I'm happy to be here."
He repossessed her hands. And closing his eyes, very gently, he brought them first to his lips, then to his face. The two months of absence did nothing to relinquish his desire and need for her. So full was his heart that he could not speak. There they stood silent until it was time to retire for the night.
As if the dangling conversation they had the other night was destined for closure, the evening before her returning home, Elyse stood at the very same spot.
Enough light was left of the early summer evening to afford a magnificent view of the surrounding. Glancing to the high wall of the Alps in the distance, Elyse could not help speculating Steve's family background. Although she knew that they were affluent, she had never contemplated just how much until now. But it mattered little, she had seen the like before.
Ackerley and Pemberley...
Startled, she shook her head, trying to shake away that intrusion. But it was all for naught. Crossing her arms around her chest, she took a few turns at the patio. She had to admit that he was never far from her thoughts. Unbidden, the way he looked at her that day he overheard this particular excursion came rushing in. Could I have really meant that much to him? No, it was impossible. Someone else already had a hold of his heart. The tapestry. She must remember that. She must remind herself to curb her overactive imagination.
Just then, Steve returned with two glassfuls. His heart and his feet stopped as soon as his eyes beheld the lovely vision under the moon. Her long silky hair danced enticingly in the lavender-scented summer breeze. When she turned her eyes on him, he literally choked. How often had he envisioned her here in his sanctuary, in his house, its intimacy reserved for his loved ones alone? He did not recall how the whole notion had started. But long ago, he had decided that only the privilege few could grace his dwellings.
Sensing his presence, Elyse turned and looked at him quizzically. Whatever she had intended to say was silenced by the intensity in his eyes. She panicked, trying to convince herself that he would behave. Besides, they were not quite alone; the rest of his family was somewhere within.
"This place is lovely, but I must say that it's not quite 'you,' or should I say not quite the 'you' I know," she began archly, breaking the intensity of the moment.
Steve laughed softly. "Yes, although my parents' townhouse is where I usually stay, I spend as much time here as possible. I'm full of surprises." He raised his eyebrows. After setting down the glasses on the table, he frowned. "You're leaving tomorrow?"
"Yes, I really need to catch up with domestic chores while the kids are with their father."
"Since they're away, why don't you stay for a few more days?"
"No, my summer class begins in two days. Besides, I don't want to inconvenient you."
"Inconvenient me any time you want, my dear," he said huskily, coming closer to her.
This time she could not escape. Before she knew it, he had caught her in his arms and kissed her passionately. It could be said that any woman would have swooned by a kiss like this. However, in another place and time, having been kissed like she had never been kissed, feeling like what she had never felt, this only confirmed her belief that this was not right. Sensing her reluctance, Steve released her immediately.
"Oh, Elyse, isn't there a chance for us?" he asked pleadingly, after catching his breath.
"Steve, please, I thought you understand."
She turned away from him but not before he turned to face her again.
"Yes, I do, but I don't want to. My feelings haven't changed. Perhaps I'm deluding myself, but now that I've found you, it's hard for me to give you up."
"It's no use, you must know that."
"What can I do to change your mind?"
"Steve, please try to accept. What good will come of it? What kind of life it'd be if our feelings aren't mutual?"
"If my past had been different, would you have felt different?"
"It's hard for me to say. It's more than that. There's so much to consider in a relationship. If a woman loved you, she'd love just the way you are. She wouldn't care about your past."
"But you would."
"I don't know. My failed marriage has forced me to look at things quite differently. My eyes have certainly opened. The betrayal, the promises broken, even after all this time, I could still feel it, still suffering from it... "
That ugly past, once laid dormant, now sprung to life -- the humiliation, the despair, the heartache, and the helplessness. Perhaps it was unfair to equate Steve with Glen, but she could not help it. Frustrated, she turned away from him again.
For a few heartbreaking minutes, Steve stared after her graceful form in agony. He, a man of action, and proud of it, had an unfamiliar sense of being paralyzed by not knowing what to do. Nevertheless, he must summon his strength. He must face the wrenching fact and accept the harsh reality that she would never be his.
The familiar unmistakable ache cascaded over him, for things regretted and unfulfilled. It was sometime before he could speak. Finally, with measured pace, he steadied himself before approaching her.
"I suppose that I understand. I must understand. I can't change the past. And I can't force you to accept; I can't bear to. As much as it pains me, but... but I love you... love you enough to respect your wishes, and... and let you go... " Holding back his tears, he continued. "I can only hope that someday, you'd open your heart. Let someone love you, the way you deserve to be loved, and by a man worthy for you to return you love."
Perhaps it was the racking pain inflicted by his submission, or perhaps it was the regret from his love unrequited, there was a long silence then. So silent that the music drifting from the living room could be heard in the open space. It was a fitting, familiar tone. Even when his face was ashen, even when his frame was still trembling, Steve forced a wistful smile and continued.
"It's been so long since we've danced. When was it? Yes, it was at Arthur's house last December. Come, dance with me, just one more time, before you go."
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbyeHolding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it allAnd now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would goYes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance **
In silence and in nostalgia, together they danced their last dance. And when the last note ended, Steve bent down and kissed Elyse for the last time.
Elyse would never forget the look on Steve's face when he came to his decision, releasing his hold on her. At last in her heart, she believed his love for her was true. But knowing the truth only pained her more. Certainly, she was saddened in knowing how much pain she must have put him through, but just as certain, she knew she could never return his love. She could only pray that someday, he would find that special someone who would love him unconditionally.
It was also at this moment when the declaration of the two men echoing in her mind that she finally realized where her heart truly belonged. Before this, her heart and her head had been in discord. Her heart had whispered many times over but her head had been refusing to accept. Until now.
Even knowing that nothing would come out of it, at last, she would no longer run away from that dawning. Reconciled. Accepted. Fittingly or unfittingly, willingly or unwillingly, Darcy had taken up permanence in her heart. From this moment on, that sanctuary was no longer hers alone to control. While the feelings that she was feeling were as natural and as light as the air, they were also forbidden fruits. She could never act on them. The contradiction of love and regret. She had felt it, even on that day when his mouth claimed hers, his heart claiming hers.
The journey with Steve came to a full circle. As the plane was bringing her home, she looked out the windows from her seat. The clear blue sky reminded her of Steve's eyes. Amidst the fluffy clouds, she thought she could see Steve's face and his resigned expressions. From his lips had come his parting words.
"I just ask that somewhere in your heart, try to save a place for me. Just one little corner will be enough to see me through." ***
Yes, Steve, I'd do that. You deserve that much from me.
Tears, like the summer showers to the soul, ran down her cheeks. She let them fall, bidding adieu to him, to this chapter of her life. It was then settled. From now on, nothing but the best of his memory would be tucked away, in this little corner specially designated for him.
It's done.
The door behind Darcy's office was closed as Steve turned and walked solemnly to his office for the last time.
The path he took that led him to a better man just ended. Stopping at a new jointure, he hoped the next path he took would be as good as the one he had left. A life of drifting and dissolving, years ago he had left his homeland to find a new life. And he had succeeded. Looking back, he could honestly say there were little regrets.
Well, perhaps just one...
Shaking his head, he stepped into the office that he had vacated more than two months ago. After flipping on the switch, he tried to sum up this chapter of his life before moving onto the next.
Darcy and Arthur were the best superiors and the best men one had the privilege of knowing. Trusting, respectful, and supportive, they had provided everything he needed to reach his potential and to contribute to the company's success. More importantly, they had served as the epitome of men with characters. As he blazed the next trail of his life, they would continue to be his model. Oh, occasionally, countless hours had been devoted to meeting deadlines. However, the need was driven within not without. The experience he had in this place made him a man better than the one he was before.
He began to clean out his office. As he reached the desk at the other side of the room, vision of Elyse came rushing in. He smiled wistfully. Before she had her own office, it was where she used to stay. He stopped and thought about those bygone days. It was a good thing that she was not here today. He did not think he could walk away otherwise.
Leaving the place where he had matured and rebuilt himself was one of the hardest thing he had to do. But accepting Elyse's rejection was the hardest of them all. However, even if he knew the way this would end, even if he had read the last page first, he would do it all the same. Knowing her, loving her, and knowing his feelings, he knew what he should be looking for in life. He would no longer settle for anything less.
It's done.
On his way out, he walked past Elyse' s office for the last time. Stopping in front of it, he still remembered how he used to stand at the threshold, leaning against the frame, watching her. The familiar sense of regret and emptiness consumed him anew. He missed her so much, more that he could ever say, and he knew that he would continue to miss her.
His heart constricted. It was bittersweet to look back now, but not a second he would change, not a touch he would trade. He would have loved her anyway. **** He would hold close to these memories for the rest of his life. In the deepest place in his heart, it would always be graced with her presence. His prayers would be with her, hoping that somehow, someday, someone would bring all the happiness she deserved.
* George Iles
** The Dance (sung by Garth Brook)
*** Random excerpt - Somewhere in Your Heart (sung by Frank Sinatra)
**** Random excerpt - I Would've Loved You Anyway (M.Danna/T.Verges)