Frederick's Fiasco (one-shot)

Blurb: A humourous modern take on the "I beg your pardon madam, this is your seat" scene in canon Persuasion. Set in the same modern AU as Can't Keep My Eyes From The Circling Sky but with a much faster outcome.

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Frederick

School’s going out – which means, we’ll have to shuttle Tiffany and the Musgrove boys constantly between houses, all summer long. If that wasn’t enough of a bummer, dig this – Charles wants to have this big shindig over at his place to celebrate the twins’ high school graduation, and he’s told me that his sisters expressly want me to come.

“It’s just this one time, yeah?” he says. “After all, they only graduate high school once in a lifetime. And I want to make this an extra special time for them to remember. They’ve planned this ‘80s and ‘90s theme just for you. Take it as a favor to a bro, please?”

“OK,” I finally cave reluctantly, since Charles is getting to be a decent bro now that we’ve been hanging out this past year. But deep down inside, hanging around the Musgrove house at this time of year, when Anne Elliot is living in it, is the last thing I want to do. Because all the milestones we had together were at the end of the school year: we’d gone from being friends to being a couple at the end of freshman year, and I proposed to her at our graduation. We’d never celebrated any anniversaries together because there really wasn’t any specific day we got together – it just happened organically over time – and of course, you know what happened about the engagement. Yet, this is kind of like an unofficial anniversary time, just about at close to one as I could get anyway; and being with her yet not with her is the worst conceivable way to spend it.

What makes things worse is that Henrietta and Louisa Musgrove have gotten Anne to be their spin doctor for the night – it seems she’s had this routine for all their parties and holidays since they were little kids. This time, she’s cleared a big wall and set up a projector to share the MTVs of our time since it’s ‘80s night; we were the first generation of MTV kids, after all, and apparently she remembers that just as well as I do.

Well, we’ve slogged through a long night with a huge chasm yawning between us, and I wonder how it got to be this way, when we’d come to share favourite foods, favourite places, and favourite songs over the four years we’d been building our college memories together. And I just want to show her that even if she chooses not to, I remember the time when we used to share the songs. Even though she grew up in Grosse Pointe and I came from the ‘hood, there was one song we both knew and loved even before we met each other, because it was the song of the year when we finished eighth grade. It was the song that played at graduation parties of every kid in America, rich or poor, the one song that bound together all the youth of our generation. You don’t even have to guess which one it is, if I tell you that 1992 was the year – of course, it’s November Rain.

And so, I open my mouth. “One last song, please,” I tell her. “I want November Rain.” These are the only words I’ve spoken directly to her the entire night.

The song begins magnificently enough – a lush piano intro with that extravagantly indulgent theatre scene and sweeping visuals. Man, I could never get enough of this MTV back when I was a teen; we didn’t have cable at home, so I could only catch it at those fleeting times when it went on air. This is great – it’s bringing me back to my youth, back to a time before my failure with Anne Elliot plagued my life.

When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained

But darlin’ when I hold you, don’t you know I feel the same

Hah. I wish. Anne’s been there at that infernal computer all night, ignoring me just like I’ve been ignoring her.

Nothin’ lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change

Stephanie Seymour, that mockery of a wedding dress indecently short in the front, has been making her way up the aisle, drawing all eyes to her impossibly long legs with the garter that’s showing. They’re standing at the altar now, her and Axl Rose in this navy jacket with crazy gold trim. An embellished, peacock-like parody of a Regency navy captain is what I think about, seeing Axl dressed like that.

And it’s hard to hold a candle, in the cold November rain

We’ve been through this such a long, long time just tryin’ to kill the pain

They’re going through the wedding in slow-mo now, zooming in on the parson’s face in an exaggeratedly comic expression as he takes them through their vows. Whatever did I think I was doing by requesting this song - how big of a dumb ass can I possibly be, to play such a sick joke on myself?

Slash – Slash, for heaven’s sake – with his jangly top hat and shirt unbuttoned to the waist, hands them their rings and bounces his way out the church. This is supposed to be a wedding, and it’s rapidly descending into a farce. Just like the way I proposed to Anne, she accepted, and it all became a farce.

But then, in one fell swoop, everything changes. Stephanie and Axl are at the party, cutting their impossibly elaborate wedding cake, and then the wind blows, someone falls into the cake, and they cut to Stephanie’s character lying in her coffin.

Don’t ya think that you need somebody

Don’t you think that you need someone

Everybody needs somebody

You’re not the only one

Oh no. This has gone from being a farce to being an absolute disaster. I hope Anne doesn’t think I’m asking for this song because I want that fate to befall her, because that’s just – it’s just unthinkable. Typical, Wentworth – you’ve put your foot in it and been an absolute dolt, once again.

I spring up from the overstuffed armchair I’d been spread-eagled on and close the distance between me and Anne in a few strides. With Guns N’ Roses still caterwauling in the background, I wrap my arms around her and she leans in.

"We don’t have to end up like them,” I tell her. And then, we kiss each other within an inch of our lives.

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Anne

A loud scream pierces through the air, and this one’s got staying power for sure. It’s Mary, my mind dimly tells me, and she’s got more stamina than a fire alarm.

“Annie and Freddie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” The sing-song voices belong to Charlie and Wally, which means they’re both awake, at this time of the night, and somebody’ll have to put them back to bed again – but no, that isn’t going to be me, I swear.

There’s a veritable circus around us, but I don’t care. Neither of us could possibly pay any heed to the commotion, for this is the end of ten long years of separation, and nothing could possibly matter except the two of us.

Eventually, after an interminable, indistinct period of time, we both come up for air. Everyone’s staring at us – all those half-asleep kids are wide awake now, and the couples making out have also been startled out of their activities by the spectacle of us, the old fuddy-duddies of the group, outdoing all of their shenanigans.

All except one couple, that is. Hetty and Chuck Hayter are still obliviously squished into a corner, both pressed together from head to toe.

“I guess we’ve got to admit we’re getting old, Fred,” I deadpan. “Look at Hetty over there – they’ve got more endurance than us now.”

THE END

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Song Reference – November Rain by Guns N’ Roses (1992)

Easter Egg – The idea of Anne and Wentworth kissing each other and oblivious to “a veritable circus” around them pays homage to the 1995 adaptation of Persuasion. Axl Rose isn't supposed to be a navy captain in the MTV, but his jacket is the right color and so it's a play on the canon original.